Drhoz

Pathfinder - CSI Magnimar Ys: We're in the middle of the 'Save The Accused For Some Reason' Caper GM: I'm disappointed in you all - you were left unsupervised in a rich person's apartment, and not even the smallest item got pilfered. Harshal: If we steal it now they'll make the connection. We can always sneak back later - consider this as casing the joint. Tannis: Come back later disguised as removalists, and tell them Emarre's family hired us to remove everything. Harshal: At the very least leave all the 'valuables' with the major-domo.... And sell all his furniture. Sala No-name has fae Magic, so Emarre being killed by some giant clawed snake thing doesn't get her off the hook. Ys does an alchemical analysis on the snake scale we found, to see whether it's a remnant of a Polymorph spell, or from an actual snake-like creature. It's the former. GM: If I was truly evil, I'd have a Yuan-ti shapeshifter. Harshal: We still need to talk to that houseboy. Tannis: But he wasn't even here - he was having his end away with a streetwalker. Harshal: So Sergeant Colon tells us. Tannis: ... True. Zin: Maybe the houseboy turned into the snake thing, before his date. He should know better - turning into a snake never helps. GM: Oh, I don't know - some people pay extra for that. Harshal: Hemipenes. Harshal: Perhaps Zin can hide in the chimney, to see if anybody tries to break in tonight. Zin: Which is fine, right up until somebody starts a fire. GM: At least if you case the joint, you've still got that phony Warrant of Investigation. 'We wanted to see if the criminal would return to the scene of the crime' Harshal: 'They do that, don't they?' At least the assassin is unlikely to teleport back in - if they used a mere Alter Self spell, they probably aren't very high-level. Zin does indeed spot somebody sneaking up and trying the windows, and trying and failing to climb the drainpipes. Harshal: So, wait until he's halfway up, sneak up and yell OI!!! The GM points out that loudly grabbing the guy while the city guard are still on duty around the front doesn't help us much - even with our warrant they'll nab him for their own investigation. The rest of us take up our positions, and Tannis sneaks up to tap the target on the shoulder. But the figure sniffs the air, turns, and reveals a cloth mask and scaley skin. Tannis: Good evening, friend. Scaley: *bolts* Ys: It goes against the grain, but we're trying to take them alive. *jumps him as he runs past the end of an alley* The would-be burglar rolls to his feet, and fights back. Tannis: Dammit, I want to talk! Ys: I want to kill him. Harshal: Well, kill him, then hire a Necromancer. Zin tries to get a burlap sack over the scaley individual, and gets mauled. Harshal: Doesn't work so well when they're three feet taller than you. GM: It's like you trying to grapple Andre the Giant. AFTER you've said 'Hey! Fatso!' Guards on the front door: What was that? I think it was a bird. Party: *in Alley around the corner* THWACK! THWACK! Guard: Ah, the Majestic Space Duck. Gillert's player: .... What are you doing? Harshal's player: Cosplaying a Portuguese Man-o-war Gillert: *THWACK! THWACK* Ys: 'We're trying to save you from Ys!' Tannis: Just stay down! Scaley: Damn you! We serve the same masters! Tannis: ... I really doubt that. Scaley: *Drops smoke bomb* It's also increasingly obvious that the scaley is female. GM: You all just assumed they were male. Harshal OoC: Can you even tell with reptiles? Scaley: You don't even know whom you serve? Each Hand moves separately - what they would do to me! Do your job, and I will do mine! Tannis: I'm just trying to correct you on your form - why don't we take a moment top discuss this like decent people- Harshal: *snicker* Tannis: -doing indecent things. Ys: *glares at Tannis through the smoke* Scaley: I was TRYING to see that the building was still sealed! All: ... Tannis: By the way, I don't suppose you killed Emarre, did you? Scaley: We are done here. Tannis: You know, if you want the job down properly you can always hire us. Scaley: You have your task, and I have mine! Tannis: We're open contractors. Scaley: You do not wish to be distracted - the cost will be high! Do your job, or the last thing you will see is a silver mask! Ys: Who are the Silver Masks/Silent Circle. Tannis: A gang. Gillert: ... I don't think they are. Tannis: Trust me, they're a gang. GM: You don't send a fighter on a job like this. Tannis: They don't send a Rogue either, apparently. That's why I was after the job. Gillert: What do you see if you take their mask off? Tannis: Mind-blasting horror? Star-filled void? Who cares? Harshal has heard about soldiers with the kind of pseudo-telepathic co-ordination exhibited by the Sient Circle, but it's unheard of for so many members to share it. Basically, the silver masks are creepy, they have agents, they've been pissing off the Magnimar nobility, and we've been unknowingly working for them. At least according the scaley ninja. Tannis: While I appreciate your propensity for bloodshed, Ys, pleeeeease try not to kill everybody we meet? Ys: Hey, I don't try to kill EVERYBODY. But if they slice open my arm I reserve the right to consider them hostile. Harshal: So, should I send an anonymous note to the guard telling them they're not doing their job properly? Gillert: No, we want them to not do their job properly. Zin: Why am I hobbling, I got hit in the head? Ys: It's because I'm dragging you along the street by an ankle. Harshal: That would be cobbling. Zin: Actually it would be kobolding. Gillert: Oh god, they're all at it. Zin's player: Cute bears on the GM's display screen! GM: And now we have a beetle for Drhoz. Me: *glances up* Hippodamia variegata. All: .... Me: So what did you want to know about diseases? *cracks knuckles* GM: Do anybody even REMEMBER the Beaufort Scale anymore? I mean, do any of you know the difference between cumulonimbus and- Me and Zin's players: *hold up hand* GM: OK, I should have remembered who was at the table. We take our wounded to Iria, who is still distressed about her girlfriend being in lock-up, and frantic that she doesn't get exiled from town. Her healing potions do Zin a lot of good. Zin: If I drink too much of this I'll explode. Harshal: He's feeling so healthy he's walking around with a tiny rock-hard erection. Zin: *slaps Harshal's leg* Ys: Two. Harshal: True. Hemipenes. GM: That's dragonkin for you. Harshal gets dragged out of his apartment to see the Captain. It's about the warrant. Harshal hopes he can bluff his way out of this, but his forgery is still good enough that the Captain reluctantly accepts it, reluctantly admits that our evidence does mean he'll have to release Sala, and gleefully hands over the problem of finding the real killer. Sala is glad to be released, but short-tempered with our polite disassembly about Iria's role in the affair. Sala No-name: Is it over? Harshal: You role in it is over, at least. Sala No-name: Who are you people? Tannis: We are working on behalf of an associate of yours. Sala No-name: *in Shoanti* Hurry up and skin the beast (Get to the point) Tannis: Iria wanted us to get you out. Sala No-name: Iria? *perks right up* Tannis: Also, there's some paperwork about becoming a registered information broker I need you to look at. Sala: Huh. Paperwork. Tannis: Indeed. Such flimsy stuff can bind us stronger than chains. Sala: Worse, it kills the words. Harshal: *shrugs* There's a certain poetry in literacy. GM: You take Sala around to Iria's place. So, have you ever met two people who are completely infatuated with each other but are trying to hide it? Tannis: We'll give them twenty minutes. Harshal: That should be plenty of time - it never takes me more than twenty. Sala explains that she was indeed acting as a rumour-broker for the nobility, and that Master Emarre was also a broker, and a rival, but that Emarre had come to her out of desperation - all his own sources had failed him on a matter of some import. Sala shrewdly observes that Harshal is a Shoanti, passing himself off as a full-time city-dweller. Sala No-name: So, an affectation, or have you realised our people have their heads firmly up their own arses too? Harshal: There's a certain amount of cranio-rectal inversion. Sala doesn't want to discuss her meeting with Emarre, but indirectly tells us that it was about the mask-wearing Silent Circle. Still the warrant means we have to still try and find the actual killer. Tannis: So, the killer was somewhat that knew or had access to the Alter Self spell. Harshal: So, Gillert, who is the beneficiary of your Last Will and Testament? I ask out of curiosity. Gillert: To whoever hunts down and executes my killer. Tannis: We need to follow all lines of inquiry. Ys: And torture the houseboy. GM: You've done the job - you got Sala off the hook. Zin: Now we just need to get the Guard off our backs. GM: There are consequences for having a Warrant of Investigation, even if it's a forgery. Zin: We need to post a description looking for scales in cloaks and disguise... Wait. Gillert OoC: Better improve your Disguise skill first. New Magnimar media tycoon Parvo Crispin has released his first news-sheet - which includes numerous details about the Nightscales and their slavery operation. Thankfully, only Tannis actually gets mentioned by name, as a resident supplying food for the benighted kobolds. Harshal: I wonder if he needs a front page story for the next edition. We go back to Emarre's place to case the joint do a more thorough search of the place. Actually looking in the desk Emarre was heading for, for example. And we need to track down the houseboy who found the body. Zin disables the magical traps on the late wizard's lab door, with Gillert's assistance. Gillert: I'm still standing behind the Kobold. The corridor on the other side apparently leads to the pantry. Tannis: That lazy bastard. Gillert: Well, he was a bit pudgy. Emarre's writing desk has been robbed, as we feared, but Harshal's careful search does uncover a thin volume hidden under a drawer. It's in code. GM: You'll need Linguistics to decode it. Harshal: *smiles* I guess I'll be busy for a few days then. Caesar cipher or Vigenère? GM: ... I don't know? Something early? Even Harshal's preliminary glance reveals Emarre's discoveries about the Silent Circle - there are at least Five, the Aspects of Pain, Smoke, Ash, and Thorn, in the Roles of Sentinel, Seeker, Sojourner, and Speaker and the true head, the Aspect of Death in the Role of Sage. His last notes fear that the Sentinel is coming for him - the same one that tore that Gargoyle leader apart in Underbridge. Harshal: And does the book end 'ARGH, ARGH, IT'S COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW' and trail off into a bloodstain? GM: No. But bonus, finding this gives the Guard an actual target - so XP all around. The others eventually figure out that the warded, fog-filled corridor is actually enchanted with a Suggestion spell to make it seem as boring as possible. This is so boring, in fact, that they decide to ignore it. Harshal OoC: I am deeply impressed by your cunning meta-gaming, Mr. GM. Zin: Whoever buys this house is going to be stuck with an impossibly boring corridor. GM: That Warrant solved so many of your problems.

Champions: Return to Edge City News on the Moreau front - one has actually had to move to L.A. For an actual job! Albeit in the new live-action Chester O'Star, about a spacefaring bunny ranger. It helps that the Screen Actor's Guild already accepts animal members. Hero Shrew OoC: If I was actually intelligent enough to actually come up with conspiracy theories, I'd say my live action Zootopia idea is looking more and more plausible. GM: That they're hiring might actually be a good sign. More likely it just means a few years of Hollywood making Moreau-ploitation flicks. Oh, and Tyrell has released a line of humanoid domestic robots. Hardlight: How humanoid? GM: Not very. Hardlight: So, C-3PO, then. Hero Shrew: So, are they Freemium model, or come with lots of Downloadable Content? Flux: If one crosses my path I'll fiddle with it. Hero Shrew OoC: There's laws against that. Or will be. Hardlight: Given our luck we're meet one that's sentient and wants to sing show tunes. GM: Most of Tyrell's research budget went into LIMITING their AI. Flux: ... That's a very scary sentence. Hero Shrew OoC: It's a superhero Mileau - AI is a crapshoot. Just ask Hank Pym. GM: That is a low blow. Flux: I think Hank Pym was a little unstable. All: A LITTLE??? Flux: My days are spent programming, my nights are spent kicking supervillain ass. I have very little free time. The robots are supposedly perfectly safe - they're not very strong and they're not very fast. Hero Shrew: But we've all seen zombie movies. GM: ... True. GM: And the Internet is already saying 'By the time I've finished typing this somebody will have released a porn kit for them'. And in gangland news, our hit on Dysprosium Dawn has lead to several nighttime altercations between the mad scientists and other gangs. There have been a number of stabbings, and a number of Boosters have ended up in hospital too but that's only to be expected given the hierarchy of gangs in Ditko - the cyborgs and mad scientists have a mutual protection pact. So, who is actually doing the stabbing? Hero Shrew: Well, you've got the cyber-Margery-power-thingies, Flux. We go to where the security cameras are and you chat them up. Flux: How are am I going to get there? Hero Shrew: Be environmentally aware - ride a bike. Flux: I don't have a bike. Hero Shrew: Steal one. He ends up getting a cab. Flux: This is mildly embarrassing for a superhero. Hero Shrew: That's OK, you're mildly embarrassing. GM: Why are you doing it all yourself? You don't have that as a Psychological Limitation. Hero Shrew's player: He's used to roleplaying with me and Aramis, and used to shit never getting done. GM: It's true - Drhoz's characters would probably want to f**k whatever is going on, and Aramis ... Hero Shrew's player: Stick his foot in his mouth and fall over? And I dispute the thing about my characters, it really only applies to Jrska. And Ripper. Flux: I won't call Fireflash, I don't want to upset her Mom. GM: How has Fireflash's mother, who none of you even interacted with, turned into a total boogeyman for the party? This is worse than the 150pt housewife - I haven't even statted her out! Fireflash: I did ask how I ended up in charge of this party. Hero Shrew OoC: Because the rest of us are too afraid of being called sexist or misogynist to shut you down over anything. Flux: Sexist, too. Flux: I'll call the impressionable one. GM: ? Flux:*points at Hero Shrew* GM: Ah, right Flux: Everybody meet me at the Owlcave. GM: Owlcave? Flux: Owlcave. And this is my butler, Whoo. 'Who is your butler?' 'Yes, Whoo.' GM: 'And where is your butler?' 'No, Where is my chauffeur, Whoo is my butler' Hardlight: What's with the British accent? Flux: I've been awake for two nights, ignore it. Hero Shrew has heard more accurate rumours that the media are given us - the stabbings have all been non-fatal, and appear to be an effort to force the Dysprosium Dawn into something, and ruin the arrangement between them and the Boosters. Hero Shrew: We could always find a Dysprosium Dawn ganger and ask them. Flux: We aren't exactly their favourite people right now. Hero Shrew OoC: Then arresting whoever has been stabbing them will make them feel more favourably towards us 'Hey, I hear somebody has been stabbing you, and for your information it wasn't us'. Hardlight: Are we catching a cab or are we Banjo-Kazooie-ing it? Hero Shrew: I'm fine with a cab. Hey, can we get one with a human driver? It always gives me a kick making a human drive me around. Hardlight: Are there even human cabdrivers anymore? GM: Of course there are - some people don't like being driven around by a robot. Mechanon the Genocidal Robot is a thing. Flux: Stealth is on the list of things to get. GM: Not really - Fireflash glows, and Hero Shrew... Hero Shrew: Subtlety? What's that? Flux: Mister Walking Property Damage. Right. GM: Makes a nice change from the Streets of Magnimar campaign. Flux: So we walk around Ditko looking not stealthy at all. Hero Shrew: Alright then - we can put baseball caps and jackets on, and walk around holding up our phones like we're playing Pokemon Go. GM: .... OK, that works. Augmented Reality games are popular in Edge City. Hero Shrew:*rolls Stealth check* Very popular. Apparently I got so focused on Pokemon Go I forgot what we're actually doing here. Flux figures out that a pair of Dysprosium Dawn Gangers are hurrying south as if they're trying to avoid something. In fact, they're being herded into an ambush by eight members of the Voodoo Crew. Voodoo Crew: Time for another lesson*all draw their Zo Lams, scary curved cleavers* GM: Time for Energy Blast 101 - you can Spread your attack. Hero Shrew OoC: So how far will Hardlight need to Spread his Energy Blast to- GM: Actually hit something? Hero Shrew OoC: I was going to say 'to scorch off all their clothes but leave them mostly unscathed', but that works too. The Voodoo Crew members all grab for the Loa Dust pouches around their necks, and inhale the contents. Voodoo Crew:*snorts derisively* You need superheroes to rescue you? GM: Hero Shrew isn't here yet - the Murderball got distracted by 'Hey, that Sandshrew is actually kinda cute' Fireflash's blasts are super effective - unfortunately for the Dysprosium Dawn gangers who are behind the Voodoo Crew that just got blasted down the street. Flux: Nice work - now we've got people to question AND people to arrest. Fireflash: Sorry! Sorry! Flux: To be fair her last opponent WAS a giant robot. Hero Shrew leaps to assist! - and overshoots the fight, street, and city block, but luckily avoids landing in anybody's prize rose garden. GM: Scooter lands in the street. Face first. He seems a bit surprised. Flux: Wait, I know that ass! Hero Shrew bounces up and advances gleefully on the last Voodoo Crewmember standing, grinning in a most alarming manner. Hero Shrew: I get to hit you now! Hardlight: Too late!*punches at the ganger with a giant holographic fist, and misses entirely**facepalm* Voodoo Crew Survivor: Hey, this none of your business, mon.*bugs out* Fireflash calls the police in, and we cart the Dysprosium Dawn gangers off for more private questioning. GM: That was the most Keystone Kops fight I've ever gamesmastered, and I used to GM Toon. Hero Shrew OoC: Was that you or a Dysprosium Dawn ganger that said that - because it sounds like it could be either. The two gangers aren't full members of Dysprosium Dawn. Hero Shrew: Lab assistants. The Dysprosium Dawn gangers don't know why the Voodoo Crew are trying to teach them a lesson. Common knowledge about the Voodoo Crew - they're the biggest gang in Edge City, the businesses under their 'protection' pay tribute at any cost, they were once found stockpiling human corpses, and their leader is the deeply scary Papa Friday, who claims to be a bokor, and may actually be one. Fireflash has a plan - we harass the Voodoo Crew drug dealers, confiscating and destroying every gramme of drugs they're carrying. Fireflash: After all, who are they going to complain to? Hero Shrew: So, your plan is to piss off the voodoo sorcerer... Fireflash: Yup. Hero Shrew: Do you actually like your mother? Hero Shrew has a public ID too - Retaliation by the Voodoo Crew is likely to be very very unpleasant. Hardlight: Drug dealing must be pretty lucrative. Fireflash: It's probably the biggest business in the world. GM: We're talking about a business that makes disposable submarines, and shrugs off losing 13 in a month, and just keeps making them. One of those subs was carrying 7 tonnes of coke. Once again, gaming at this table has taught you things you never wanted to know. GM: Drug addicts, by definition, tend to be repeat customers. Hero Shrew OoC: If I recall correctly, the plan was 'Get killed trying to take down Papa Friday' GM: To be fair, that wasn't the actual plan. Hero Shrew OoC: But it IS the destination. Hero Shrew OoC: So, who's running for President, in-universe? GM: I cannot make the U.S Presidential campaign more comic-book than the real one actually is, and you may quote me on that. It's actually pretty depressing. Flux: So.... We're relying on Scooter's streetwise? Hero Shrew: Hooray, I'm relevant again! The economics of drug dealing means that harassing the Voodoo Crew's minor members will rapidly cut into the gang's financial margins. And make a lot of people very angry, but hey, that was going to happen anyway. Papa Friday has real mojo, to the point that many San Fransisco mystics won't even come to Edge City. His lieutenants include Mr. Gato - Mister Cake, in charge of drugs and actual cakes, Mr. Zanmi - Mr. Friend (in change of the protection rackets), Le Dokté - The Doctor (in charge of prostitution), and Madam Nwa Dantél in charge of special operations. Hero Shrew: Mademoiselle? GM: Madam. She is very clear about that. She has views. Hardlight: Mr Cake's icing sugar must really be something. GM: No, actually. Flux: Ah - only*actual* ingredients go into his cakes. GM: Yep. He runs a bakery in Little Haiti - specializes in little Creole dainties. Of course the question arises is why the Voodoo Crew aren't going after the Boosters Gang, when they're so busy terrorizing the lesser threat of the Boosters' allies in Dysprosium Dawn. The Voodoo Crew*have* been known to forestall gang warfare by pre-emptively stomping whoever is getting uppity. They like the status quo. They will not like us. We split up. Flux: F**k, we're got somebody with a Code vs. Killing on both teams. Well, drug labs are highly flammable. Fireflash: But we're not going after the labs. Hero Shrew: We're going After Jesse, not Heisenberg. GM: Can you imagine how scary Walter would be in a superhero-milieu? Hardlight: OK boy, find me a kilo of heroin. Hero Shrew: Boy? I get the feeling I should take offense at that. GM: You should keep a shoe handy, for whenever you need to insert one in your mouth. GM: Not all Moreaus have tracking senses - Hero Shrew only has Acute Senses. Flux: Actually he smells pretty bad. GM: 'Oh, you're not that type of Moreau' ' We come in types now do we?' Hardlight promptly forgets what the plan was, and starts shaking down a dealer. Flux: Now shake vigorously until information falls out. The dealer - and all the other members of the Voodoo Crew - have been warned that Hardlight is bad juju, and not to speak to the superteam under any circumstances. Hardlight seizes the drugs. Hardlight: I'm taking these for the good of the city. Dealer: Really? Hey, everybody, come watch a shakedown! Hardlight:*vaporises the stash* I feel I have done good for the city today. GM: Yes, you've just destroyed a few hundred dollars worth of Loa Dust and Weed. Well done. Now let's go check in on Flux and Fireflash, and actual competence. GM: Once again, Hero Shrew, the only actual investigator in the party, is hamstrung by having to work with Hardlight. Hero Shrew OoC: And they say I have a short term memory problem. GM: Hardlight just has a very fixed idea about how heroes are supposed to behave. Fireflash and Flux actually watch who is supplying the stringers, and THEN destroy all the drugs and drug money. Fireflash: We can't destroy their phones, they're guaranteed those by the city. You can f**k them though. Flux: ... Oh, you mean f**k their phones! Yes, I can do that. GM: That's the problem - you've got Captain Obvious teamed up with Captain Oblivious. Hero Shrew: Actually, it works pretty well - Hardlight and I blunder through drawing all the attention while the dealers just pass off their stashes behind their backs. Meanwhile, YOU two are watching from the rooftops making notes on everybody to pick up later. GM: Just think of that scene from The Sixth Sense, but replace Dead with Stupid. "I see stupid people. They walk around just like everyone else, but they don't know they're stupid". Typically for the table, the conversation then wanders off through Oreos complete failure in Australia, Vegemite, MREs, and excellent breeds of apple. Hero Shrew: Is prostitution illegal in California? Fireflash: Yes. Hero Shrew: Oh. Well, I'd rather not go after the Voodoo Crew's prostitution interests, because I can predict what will happen next. GM: Yes. The Collar Club will be getting a visit. Hero Shrew: And then I'd be having a very awkward conversation with Colin the Collie. Fireflash: Well, we're doing some good for Edge City anyway. Hero Shrew: Yeah, we're raising the price of hard drugs in Edge City. Well done us. Current fad drugs in Edge City include Pogo - an inhalant super-stimulant that's very popular with the college crowd and lethal to anybody with a heart condition - and Jackhammer - which appears to be a combat drug somebody is selling recreationally. Hero Shrew: 'I WILL CLEAN THE ENTIRE HOUSE' The after-effects, an hour later, are even worse than the ones for Pogo. The cocktail includes heroin AND cocaine. Flux: And this is what we're vaporizing in the middle of the street. Fireflash: 'I miss having an erection' GM: 'Really? I miss NOT having an erection.' Fireflash: Ouch. Eventually Madam Nwa Dantél suggests a meeting - on the condition Hardlight doesn't come within a hundred meters of the Fern Gardens. For some reason the Voodoo Crew really, really don't like our erstwhile employer. The Fern Gardens in Lake Park are midway between Corporate Circle and the University. Hero Shrew: i.e. One of the worst possible places in the city for a super fight. Hardlight: I'll keep Hero Shrew with me. I need a bodyguard, even in my civilian guise. Hero Shrew: Is there an observation deck with those pay-telescopes some up in Corporate Circle? Hardlight: Screw that, there's a revolving restaurant. Hero Shrew: But we need to see what's happening down in the park, in case they need us to jump down there. Flux: And jumping out the window of a revolving restaurant will cause comment. Madam Nwa Dantél wants to know why we're targeting the Voodoo Crew - she's apparently a little insulted that we're harassing the Crew, when the attacks on Dysprosium Dawn are all in retaliation for some slight the mad scientist leadership caused the Crew. The mad scientists are all in hiding, and just as well, since the Voodoo Crew are prepared to put up with our harassment until they've finished punishing Dysprosium Dawn. Whatever the mad scientists stole from the Crew was indirectly responsible for that entire Boosters vs. Juicers trouble, and has really, really pissed off the ju-ju leadership. Madam Dantél: The price of research to replace what they have stolen would be measured in lives - lives already paid on their side by previous generations. Fireflash: Thank you for your time. Madam Dantél: In future, if you want our attention, simply let one of our soldiers know. Mr. Gato, he is not happy. Flux: It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.*flies off* Madam Dantél: How rude. There's a possible DD hideout in Chinatown. Flux: F**k. You're going to be a problem. Hero Shrew: Yes, yes I am. That's because I'm me. Hero Shrew: I've never been there myself. I don't want to end up as somebody's dinner. Fireflash: How could you? They couldn't get through your hide! Hero Shrew: Hey, I've seen those ads for Ginsu Knives - I'm not taking any chances. Hardlight slaps a hard-light disguise over the shrew, and we stick our noses in the retro-tech coffee shop. Hero Shrew puzzles over the slide rules nailed the wall. The rest are more alarmed by the metal face of one of the historical steampunk automata hanging over the bar, since they're seen in the records at the ancient base. Ancient Oriental: You don't need that here. Hardlight: Excuse me? Ancient Oriental: Everyone here already knows who that is, since he is here with the three of you. Go ahead, drop his disguise - we don't lose customers because of Moreaus. Hardlight: Oh.*drops the holofield* Dysprosium Dawn soldiers having coffee: Huh. That's interesting.*go back to their coffee* Fireflash heads over to talk to the soldiers. DD Soldiers:*groans* Fireflash: Hey, be cool, guys. DD soldiers: What do you want? You already took the Arena. Fireflash: Hey, we only wanted the metal - and then that robot attacked us. DD soldiers: We were IN that robot. It was not fun. Flux: Well, it was a hard fight. You nearly hit us, once or twice. DD soldiers: Hey, if we'd got fully charged up things would have been different. Flux: Proper Preparation Prevents Piss-poor Performance. Fireflash runs through plan A, and B, which are asking nicely for info, and then threatening them for the info. DD soldiers: Yeah, but the Voodoo Crew have already moved on to plan K, where they start killing us. Fireflash: Yeah, and that's when we get to Plan C, where we destroy all your gear. DD soldiers: Hey, no reason to get personal! The soldiers have a problem - they haven't been able to get in contact with the Dysprosium Dawn leadership, by ANY of the usual methods. True, they get buried in their work sometimes, but when the Boosters aren't answering their calls either... The brain-frying precautions the mad scientists installed in their underlings don't help either. DD soldiers: You don't get it, we don't talk to you if we want to be able to rub two neurons together. DD soldiers: You guys are the city's superteam? We're boned. Hero Shrew:*picking his ear* Huh? DD soldiers: We should retire and let you guys become Dysfunctional Dawn. One of the DD members throws Flux a pair of Mad Scientist googles as a gesture of respect. Mad Scientist: Stop embarrassing yourself. Flux: ... Ok? Won't explode, right? Mad Scientist: We had a passive Dysprosium sensor set up when you set off that Active Ping of yours. Flux: ... Oh. Law of unintended consequences strikes again. We head off to talk to Edge City's premiere info broker, who indeed can pass on a message to the mad Nobel prize winners. She confirms that the Voodoo Crew and the Dysprosium Dawn were involved in a joint research program. Info broker: The prototype is in safe hands. So is the duplicate. And the notes on replication. The leadership of the Dysprosium Dawn are of the opinion that they would be hard-pressed to replicate their success, but Papa Friday would have no restrictions on replicating the item in question. GM: And that sacrificing their entire gang is worth preventing Papa Friday getting whatever technomagery the Macguffin actually is. Happily, we have an expert on technomagery and tracking spells in the party. Alarmingly, there are already multiple emanations of magic and tech in sync all across Edge City, popping up and disappearing. GM: You were looking for a needle in a haystack, and found a seamstress. One of the interactions of magic and technology is Hardlight. Hardlight: What? Peanut Gallery: You're a wizard, Harry. GM: That crystal that powers you is probably magic. Hardlight: I thought it was aliens! There's also a large one in Lake Effinger, where one supervillain plot removed a large chunk of real estate and ruined Edge City's economic future. GM: Probably an Atlantean down there. Better not poke it. Flux: Welcome to Edge City, enjoy your stay. GM: And there's a large signal of necromantic and technology in the Laguna Complex - that's probably your target. Flux: Oh goody. The Laguna Complex is a high-end mall with sales of minor cybernetics and same-day cosmetic surgery. GM: Been snorting Pogo all week? They can clean you up! Hero Shrew: High Colonic cleanses all round. Flux: And this is why I don't go shopping for anything but food. The Laguna Complex is built in a suburb where the customers don't have to look at anything disreputable, like the poor, or the less socially acceptable species of Moreau. Guess where Hero Shrew lies on the Venn Diagram. Hardlight disguises him as Ted, the famous former denizen of the Zoo. Hero Shrew: NOT. F***ING. COOL. Hardlight: What??? Hero Shrew: I knew this guy! Hardlight: Oops. GM: Ted was a drug addict, so he wouldstop remembering ever experiment that was done to him. Hardlight: Wow - I just foot-in-mouthed Hero Shrew. GM: Yup - foot-in-mouthed so hard he actually noticed. He tries a Lasagna Cat disguise next. Hero Shrew: I hate Mondays. And you. Flux: 'Mostly you'. GM: It's nearly 11, we'll call it here. Hero Shrew OoC: It's going to be zombies, isn't it. GM: Well, I COULD have called it Rhodes Plaza. Guess what the spin-off technology the Dysprosium Dawn came up with was. Hero Shrew OoC: .... The Juice the cybergangs were using? Oh god... Fast Zombies.

Star Wars: Scum and Villainy Since the D&D game collapsed from lack of players, we found a new one and are playing Star Wars. Star Wars was probably the first RPG I got to play in. I played a thermal detonator Sales-gibbon, who lasted less than a session. But then I was gaming with Team Demolition. After what they did to the poor gibbon, and several subsequent characters, it's amazing I kept roleplaying at all. Still, in memory of that long deceased character, I'm playing the next best thing, another highly sociable, tech-orientated, arboreal species. It's not an Ewok. Aramis: How do you even get Ewoks off Endor? Paul: That's easy - trébuchet. Aramis: I'm the plausible deniability guy. GM: Good name for a ship, too. The F Troop - a bunch of ne'er-do-wells out to make a dishonest buck, in the era after the first Peace Moon was blown up by terrorists. Aramis: Are we playing in the actual continuity, or the Darth and Droids version? Drhoz: The version where an interstellar dictatorship controls all the media, and can call it a Peace Moon if they want to. Aramis: Point taken. The characters Forvuk Zahj - Dressellian brute Fakybe - Chandra-fan smuggler and diplomancer Fendri Nekut - Bothan pilot Fendri: Do we get a scrolling text intro? GM: If you can't afford the A Team or an X-wing, there's always F Troop. Fakybe: I get most of my Imperial war tech from that stormtrooper BLK-0. GM: Old Ben Kenobi described Mos Eisley as a wretched hive, but that's because he never went to Formos. The F Troop and their ship have been hired to transport a Wookiee and a medical droid from some place called Tatooine to Formos. Formos is a haven for smugglers, but there are disquieting rumours that this will change. But for the time being BOSS is still in change, and the live music is great. GM: You didn't see any Star Destroyers or Tie Fighters on the way in. There is a small Imperial presence on the surface though. Forvuk: And that is a moon? GM: ... Yes. Forvuk: It pays to check, these days. We head to the Formos cantina to hand off the passengers, and make note of all the smuggling shenanigans, screeching aliens, and heavily burdened water carriers advertising The Cheapest Water On Formos. Fakybe: I'll go talk to the old lady selling water. GM: She'll be happy to talk to you. Fakybe: Of course she will, she's an old lady, she'll talk my ears off. Forvuk: Do you have Disengage? Old Woman: What brings you to Formos? Fakybe: Tourism. Old Woman: ... Oh? Fakybe: Yes, those tourists we're transporting wanted the scenic route. The old lady is a survivor of Alderaan, which interests Forvuk since his family got wiped out in the atrocity at Dralk. Fakybe is sure they'll have a lot to talk about. Forvuk gets pickpocketed by a street urchin, who legs it with a stimpak. Fakybe: Just shoot his leg off, he's got two. Instead Forvuk assumes the theft is to distract us from an attack on our passengers. Fakybe: Ah well, at least you didn't just shoot the kid in the back of the head. I'll add the cost of the stimpack to whatever we bill the 'tourists'. The wookiee and the droid pick themselves back off the ground. Forvuk notices somebody has been following us. GM: Do you know what a Rodian is? Forvuk: Short, green, snout, taste like chicken. Everybody in the street turns to look at the Rodian when we point him out. The Rodian gets very nervous. He claims to be a businessman, so we steer into the Cantina by both shoulders. Fakybe: To talk business. Since you're so fond of business and everything. And then we come across a half-dead diplomacy droid, one J9B8 whose astromech friend R4-W9 was kidnapped by slavers as they were going to meet a bountyhunter in the cantina. Fakybe: Popular place, this bar. GM: The musician is playing a cluhorn, and ... Sigh ... smooth Freeform Jatz. Forvuk: And does it drive us crackers? Fakybe: At least it's better that Freeform Jizz. There are also Dead or Alive posters from the local prison. Fakybe: Is this the only bar on Formos? GM: Yes. We're approached by the cantina's owner, or at least somebody circulating from table to tab;le like he owns the place. Devaronian: Greetings, Adventurers - I am Snoo. Fakybe: Hi there - what's Snoo with you? Devaronian: I have lots of snews - about your passengers, for example.*wriggles his horns* Forvuk: That's nice - but we have a contract to complete first. Devaronian: I'm your contact, moron. Forvuk: Oh, good.*hoists up the Rodian* Is this yours? The Dead Or Alive poster that everybody is ignoring is for a scary space pirate wanted both by the Empire and the Hutts. Snoo has no idea who the droids were going to meet, unless they were bringing info about the pirate to a bountyhunter. Snoo: There was a Rodian bountyhunter in here. All: Oh really?*all turn to our new friend, pushed into the back of the booth* Rodian:*sinks into his chair* Medical Droid: Calm down, young Rodian, he is not going to kill you, or feed you to the Wookiee. That is just a vile rumour. Fakybe: Drinks all round - the Rodian is paying. Rodian:*sad meep* Why should we rescue the kidnapped astromech, even though the medical droid insists we get involved? Fakybe: It's a free astromech for the freighter if we do. Forvuk: Point. Fakybe: Through the bits of that diplomacy droid into a bag - I'll see if I can fit him back together. Medical Droid:*electronic wince* After we get him sufficiently liquored up the Rodian admits he's the pilot for a smuggling ring that were looking into making contact with us. Forvuk: So do we treat him as a hostile? Fakybe: Nah, he's a potential contact. Who is terrible at making contact. The Rodian is distracted by the arrival of a very attractive and well-dressed Rodian female. Fendri: Rodian females are hot because they're the only ones with hair. Forvuk: What do Rodians think about Wookiees? The Rodian woman is soon followed by three very obvious smugglers. Fakybe: Well, they're obvious smugglers - which means they can't be very good smugglers. Rodian:*slurred* You know... You know, I think those guys are the ones I was supposed to be following. GM: He's obviously going to try and hit on the Rodian Princess. Although why a human would want to baffles me. Fakybe: It's the snout. GM: And there's also the question on why a well-dressed Rodian would even come in here. Fakybe: ... For fucks sake - it's the bountyhunter. Fakybe: Do you want to intervene? Forvuk: What about our Rodian pilot friend? Fakybe: I really don't think he's going anywhere. Forvuk: Good point.*props him back upright* The Dresallian, the Bothan, and the Wookiee walk into a bar - the two PCs and NPC moving into position to intervene on the bountyhunter's behalf. Medical Droid: Oh dear, are we going to need my services soon? I've made a study of my associate's body language, and he always behaves like this shortly before violence breaks out. Fakybe: Yes, I think that blood- or ichor-of-choice-shed is imminent. Medical Droid: Perhaps we should take cover. Fendri: Is there a problem? Scary Smuggler: Step away, boy. You don't want to get involved with us. Fendri: You need to learn to respect women. Fakybe OoC: 'milady' Fakybe, watching the situation escalate from the upstairs booth, flings a bottle at the smuggler's bodyguard. Medical Droid: Have you stopped taking your anti-psychotics? Fakybe: No, but now is the time to hide under the table.*pushes the Rodian to slide slowly sideways* Besides, it's the classic way to start a barfight. Forvuk: Especially by characters with no combat skills. The smuggler's bodyguard realizes that actually starting a fight would be a bad idea, since he brought a vibro-axe to a fight that will include a Wookiee Vibro-axe, a Dresallian heavy blaster, and whatever else the idiot on the mezzanine can throw. Backing down will look bad, but not as bad as actually losing. Thug: Let's go get pizza boss - we can deal with this ... later. The Rodian woman claims to be a researcher for what is effectively The Bountyhunter's Guide To Galaxy. She does know of a reckless Rodian bountyhunter missing in the area though. Fakybe: Anyway, this is our pilot Fendri, our engineering aide Forvuk, and we haven't known the Wookiee or the droid for long. They're tourists, we've been showing them the scenic parts of the Kessel Run. Rodian Researcher: Scenic?? Fakybe: You have to admit, in many ways it's unforgettable. We all move to head back to our ship and read that diplomacy droid's memory chips, when we are forced to follow somebody that was apparently spying on us and is now leaving to report. He spots Fakybe and Fendri following him, turns and gets angry, we get angry too claiming total innocence, and in the ensuing confusion the spy spots Forvuk taking up a sniping position and flies for cover. Forvuk shoots. Fakybe: He's been shot! Somebody call a medic!*elbows the medical droid* That was your cue. Forvuk:*hands his huge slug thrower to the drunk Rodian* Medical Droid: You shot him. Forvuk: No I didn't, the Rodian did. Fakybe: The one who is too small to even fire it? Well, it'll be a good defence if they catch him. We get everybody back to the ship, and pin the flying alien out on the dartboard. He still tries to negotiate. Fakybe: Well, I have to appreciate him for that, anyway. Spy: You shot me, you're obviously Imperial terrorists. Fakybe: Hey, do we look like the kind of people who go around yelling 'Democracy is Great!' and blow up Peace Moons? Wookiee and Medical Droid:*exchange glance* Spy: Why didn't you use a stun rifle like civilised people? Forvuk: The slug thrower makes the situation clear. Fakybe: It's not the most versatile of tools - I have talked to you about that before. Forvuk: It makes things clear. Spy: It's direct, I'll give you that. Forvuk: You know anything about the massacre at Drelk? Spy: I heard it was hilarious. Fakybe: Aaaaaand steering Forvuk out of the room. Right now. We agree to release the spy if he helps us get a job introduction with the local space pirates. Who probably include those smugglers at the cantina. But where is good neutral ground? Fakybe: That's obvious. Right in front of the local Imperial base. GM: Congratulations - you have broken the module. Fakybe: And somewhere the Rodian pilot's friends are still waiting for him to come back. 'Why did we send our pilot?' 'I dunno, we're stupid'

CSI: Magnimar On the various things that can affect Fame and Prestige, such as fleeing minor encounters, murdering the innocent, and associating with people of ill-repute. Harshal: In other words, whatever you do, do it in private. Ys: Or get a good lawyer, and kill all the witnesses. Tannis: Just as well we have our own lawyer. Harshal:*smiles smugly* Ys doesn't recognise the family that wrote that magical workbook. Harshal: 'I don't associate with Elven wizards, they're too snooty. And I'm an elf' As it happens there is no real need to track down the book's owners - since it used to be in the hands of Gillert's teacher, Marcellano Emarre. So Gillert can easily hold on to it, with suitable self-justification. Harshal: 'I deserve it more than that douchebag' Gillert: As long as it's a duplicate I have no qualms about keeping it. Ys and Harshal: Why would you have qua- Harshal: Ah, of course - Good Alignment. Zin: I'm staying with Ys. Ys: You might want to reconsider - I live above a fishmonger. GM: And the only free space in the apartment has manacles. And bloodstains. Zin: Okaaaay - I'm moving in with the kobolds. One interesting NPC in Magnimar - one Sala No-name, a Shoanti sorceress living in self-imposed exile in one of the Alabaster District's public parks. This is a point of contention with the city's Shoanti, despite how useful she's made herself to the nobility as a information broker. Gillert: She's not squatting, she's just hanging about for a while. Harshal: She's having a very long picnic. Harshal: You'll have to bring those kobolds up to speed on how Magnimar actually works. After all, they haven't seen much of it - except from underneath. Sala No-name also associates with Iria, the vivisectionist. Associates so closely that one euphemism for her relationship is 'shadow'. Zin does make a slightly disquieting discovery - a well-oiled scorpion-tail whip among Iria's possessions. Zin: ... I'll give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she saves it for her 'meetings' with Sala. In fact the two are so close that Iria is upset when Sala is 'helping the Guard with their enquiries' - apparently some wizard in the Alabaster District was found dead. In at least five different places. Although the authorities only assume he's dead because they haven't found all the bits yet. If we help out there won't be any money in the job - all of Iria's spare money goes into looking after those kobolds. Zin: I was thinking we could get the team together help them out? Ys: Well, we could. Are you going to give me a reason why we should? Harshal: Take the long view - it's one more step towards getting those kobolds as loyal minions. GM: Why is Harshal even there? Ys: Because I'm experimenting with my alchemical set-up, and if somebody is going is going to poisoned the lawyer is the most expendable? Actually, getting Iria onside will help Ys with her own alchemical research. Tannis: Evening, Ys. How are you? Ys: I'm fine, but Zin has a problem. Harshal OoC: Yes, he's a Kobold. Tannis: At least we keep Iria looking after those kobolds - I have plans for them. Gillert: I'm a little unenthusiastic about going near anything that kills wizards, but OK. Lead the way, little person. Zin: We need your reasonable magical prowess. Gillert: I can still drop-kick you into the river, you know. The Alabaster District is, of course, the most upper-class section of Magnimar. Happily, we can all disguise ourselves as scholars and bodyguards when we head up there. Hell, some of us ARE scholars - the late-night murderizing is a hobby. Zin OoC: One session we're saving kobolds, next time we're Boston Legal. Tannis OoC: I was thinking Murdoch and Nelson. Turning up to offer legal assistance does not start off well. GM: 'A-ha, other people that want to help us with our inquiries!' Guard Captain: Sala No-name is not a registered agent or notary of Magnimar. Harshal: ... And therefore has no legal protection or right to confidentiality... Captain: And she has refused to tell us why Master Emarre consulted with her, not four hours before he was found dead. We find her reluctance to assist us suspicious, and consider her a suspect, especially since she is known to associate with a large wild animal. If you want to assist us, I suggest you get out of our way and find us someone else to direct our attention towards. Ys: I suggest we find somebody related to the wizard, and make him write a confession, and commit suicide. Gillert:*looks increasingly nervous* He might have been my teacher. Harshal: That's convenient. Ys: Very. Gillert: And we've already killed his other apprentice - wait. Damn, his body is still buried in that tunnel. Tannis: So, where were you when Emarre died? Gillert: Reading? Tannis: What were you reading? Gillert: ... His spellbook. GM: Any summoning spells in that book? Gillert: Oh, I can see a cart coming. Just let me throw myself under it. Harshal suggests Gillert go pay his respects. The body is probably already prepared for internment at the Cenotaph of the Goddess of Death - after all, it's summer. We're the fourth 'well-wishers' that have turned up to pay respects, but the body is still at the family estate. Harshal's 'donation' to the temple doesn't get us the ID of the other well-wishers, alas. Indeed, it seems to offend the priest. Harshal: Getting a look at the body is still a good idea. Ys: At the very least we need to see what kind of wounds were inflicted. Harshal: Well, you're our expert there. Ys: And we need to know what our patsy has to confess to. Harshal forges a Private Warrant of Investigation, and heads off to investigate. GM: Guardsmen aren't known for their intelligence. That's how you become a captain. GM: You know the trick to a good forgery - make it look like it was written in a hurry. Somebody has used necromancy to repair much of the damage to the corpse, but that was just the mortician the family hired. It does make our own forensics more difficult, though. Tannis: First question - is it him? Gillert: Yes? He used to be a bit shorter around the knees. Harshal: And he had a head. We remove the shroud. GM: Whoa! All: Yes? GM: Apparently he was very popular with the ladies. Tannis: Came up with a limited version of Enlarge Person, did he? Apparently Emarre was killed in his own home, which makes Gillert even more nervous. Ys goes to talk to the mortician. GM: There's a card 'For discreet necromantic services'. And a sign of the Goddess of Death, so they're not THAT kind of Necromancer. Gillert: ? GM: Necromancy is also divination, often using the entrails of the dead. Gillert: You wouldn't want to get your necromancers confused. 'Oh, you wanted him prepared for burial? Sorry - but good news! Wealth for the family!' The family's butler expresses his appreciation that somebody is exactly investigating the death, and not leave it all up to the city guard. Not that any of us really have the relevant skills. Ys OoC: CSI Magnimar, we are not. Zin does figure out that something with claws, but hands the size of a humans, did most of the damage to the clothing. Zin OoC: Well, that narrows it down to about a third of the Monster Manual. Harshal: So it can't have been Sala's wolf - unless it's a werewolf. Gillert: What's the penalty for being AT the scene of a murder, but not the actual murderer? GM: Nothing. Harshal: Unless the guards can't find anybody else to pin it on. Butler: All the well-wishers have been family members of long standing. I'm sure none of them are involved. They are all lords and ladies, after all - they'd have used other methods. Necromancer: Ma'am? Before we go any further I'm required to tell you that if Sulbin and Sulbin, Necromancers to the Rich and Famous, become aware of any illicit activities we're obliged to report it to the authorities. That said, can we still be of assistance? Ys: I believe so. Necromancer: Oh good. They actually keep good records of pre-mortem injuries, and are willing to discuss them - provided we have a warrant. Heh heh heh. Ys and Gillert go to find Harshal and the others, who have already gone to the scene of the crime. At the late wizard's home are two guards, one with molded armour and molded beer belly. The sergeant takes a great interest in our warrant. Harshal: And is he running his finger along the line? GM: Worse - you can see his lips moving. I wasn't going to play him this way, but I did draw The Idiot card from the deck. Sergeant Colon: It's all pretty clear that fae bint we've got in lock-up is responsible. Muscling in on the old bloke's business, handing out free advice, he took offence, she sicced her wolf on him. Took the seat out of my trousers, it did. Harshal: Tried to move her on, did you? Or were you the ones that took her in for questioning? Apparently the house boy was enjoying a break with negotiated affection at the time of the murder. We'll have to track him and the prostitute in question down. Pity Gillert isn't here - he actually knows the house, after all. Harshal: We have an apprentice of his on the way, officer - he'll be able to tell us if anything is missing. Colon: Right you are, sir. GM: Somebody has chalked the outline. And the outline. And the outline. Harshal OoC: That would be useful if they actually did forensics. Or had photography. GM: Chalking around the body was a Hollywood invention anyway. Gillert and Ys arrive. Gillert: Evening? Colon: Evening. Gillert: .... Have my associates arrived? Colon: Aren't you supposed to tell me who you're with? Gillert: If I knew that, wouldn't I say? Colon: .... Makes sense. Go right in. Harshal OoC: ... What??? Could you repeat all that? I think you just derailed my brain. Going over the scene of the crime, in Emarre's secondary study, reveals some interesting clues - the killer must have been in the other chair, and attacked when the wizard was going to a sidedesk, not towards the door in an attempt to escape. Also, the amount of damage down to the corpse was far more than would have been necessary to kill him. Also there's a giant snake scale, which is odd, since Emarre was mortally afraid of all snakes, and even refused to use their scales as material components. Tannis heads out to talk to the sergeant and his offsider. Tannis: Can I borrow your guardsman, sergeant? Colon: What for? Tannis: I need a witness, and I'm sure a man of your stature can take the place of any two guardsman. Harshal:*internal snicker* Any three. Tannis explains our analysis of the scene. Lance-Constable: But the houseboy said Master Emarre didn't have any guests... But he was out for half an hour. Harshal: Well, five minutes, depending how young he was. Lance-Constable: Five minutes to walk there, a few minutes negotiation... Lance-Constable: Why do you need my help anyway? Harshal: You're helping an innocent woman go free. Lance-Constable: She's guilty of something. Harshal: Everybody is guilty of something, officer. Lance-Constable: Yeah... What are you guilty of? Can I see that warrant again? It looks right... Who'd you bribe for this? You're not investigating who did this, are you? You're just just trying to prove it wasn't her. We politely take our leave of the unpleasantly perceptive guardsman - this case is getting more and more intriguing...

Champions - Return To Edge City : Retro SF Refurbishing the Machinist's old lair under South Pinnacle, and various major public works. Hero Shrew OoC: At least THIS place isn't infested with giant man-eating spiders. And the base comes with its own 150 year old clockwork owl. Flux: Who keeps that thing wound up? Hardlight: Who? Whoo-whoo. Hero Shrew: Can we have a Danger Room? We take turns sitting on top of a ladder with a bucket of water balloons. The Dysprosium Dawn gangers admit that the drugs the cyborg gang were using were produced by the DD leadership - the leadership that escaped in their invisible car. The Machinist's files include his encounter with something he called the Iron Devil, which was some kind of automaton. Fireflash: Let me guess - his version of Ultron? GM: Yes - except he didn't invent it. Hardlight: Nancy, hold all my calls - I have one hell of a data-entry job ahead of me. GM: Well, you do have years of notes to transcribe. Fireflash: Hey, I'm helping! Hero Shrew: I'm not. Hardlight: Oh great, he had clockwork sex-meks. GM: Actually, it's part organic. It used to be a woman. Hardlight: .... Well, foot in mouth already. GM: At least you're staying in character. Hardlight: Flux can set up his lab over there - the Feng Shui is good there. Fireflash: Feng Shui? Is that some Chinese superhero I should know about? Hero Shrew OoC: I'm willing to bet they're a Californian super. GM: That IS more likely XD We also discover what happened to him - increasingly disillusioned with the US, he applied one of his discoveries about anti-gravity. GM: 'IMA GOIN TA MARS!' Or beyond. GM: Your mother will have things to say if you spend too much time with two grown men and... Hero Shrew works at a titty bar, OK? Opinions are mixed about the association between human and Moreau super beings. For one thing the underage Fireflash can't go into The Collar Club if they need Hero Shrew. But then Hero Shrew is his own problem. Edge City Racists: Great, the humans can keep him on a leash. GM: He is pretty notorious for doing property damage - but admittedly he hasn't been doing as much of that lately. Hero Shrew: Well, I'm working two jobs now - I don't have the time. Fireflash: Time for exams. GM: Oh look, A++ on everything. Again. Fireflash: Why did I get an A- on this one? GM: Snoring in class. Fireflash's new outfit has glowing piping. Hardlight: And in red 'If this is blue you're going too fast'. The Booster's breakaway group have taken to calling themselves the Juicers, and have established themselves in West Haven. Hero Shrew: And what is West Haven known for? Fireflash: Juicers. On the other hand the cocktail of drugs that go into Juice are turning up on Edge City's recreational scene. Which can be alarming, given the nature of the drugs and the variety of biochemistry possessed by the locals. Even the Dysprosium Dawn gangers making the stuff are being cautious who they sell to. One of the new drugs is called 'Cooling', for some reason. Oh, and some kind of very big thing has been spotted swimming around in Monterey Bay. Flux: So, which of us can swim? Hero Shrew: I can sink pretty well. And people have been seeing Grey aliens in Saint's Row. Wearing t-shirts and jeans. GM: Saint's Row is just north of the Hellgate Institute. Hero Shrew OoC: HELLGATE?? GM: Where you were born. Fireflash: Decanted. Flux: Well, the aliens might have a mundane explanation. Fireflash: I'm assuming a mundane explanation - it's aliens XD Flux OoC: ... Damn superhero milieu... There is precisely ONE photo of the aliens on the Internet. Which is pretty odd, and highly suspicious. Flux copies the file into a honey trap, to see if anybody tries to delete it, while the rest of us study the picture for clues. Apparently it was taken near a cinema and a newsstand, judging by the 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' and 'Mars Attacks!' posters and bundled newspapers with Roswell headlines. There's only one cinema in Saint's Row, and that's disused. More weirdly, the stack of newspapers in the photo are 50 years old, but the empty bottles are a few years old at best. Hardlight: Why are we looking for these guys? Fireflash: Because someone doesn't want us to. Hero Shrew: That's always a good reason. Flux: We'll pick Fireflash up after school hours, so her mother doesn't murder us in our sleep. Hardlight gets to work on the cinema locks. Flux: Fine, break in, I don't give a shit. Hero Shrew: You don't give a flying flux. GM: At least Hardlight looked around to see if the news blimp was filming you, this time. Hero Shrew smells the scent of a lot of frightened people, who were here recently. Also, so many empty bottles and tin cans that's it's impossible to move quietly. GM: Their diet appeared to be mostly Cheetos and tinned food. Hero Shrew: My god - no wonder I could smell it when we opened the door. The aliens apparently fled into the utility tunnels shortly before we arrived. GM: Does anybody have tracking skills? Flux: I do? I used to be a vigilante. But no stealth skills, apparently. GM: I am the bat that flaps noisily in the night. Hero Shrew: Ghost Rider. Not stealthy at all - indeed, rather conspicuous. We eventually catch up with them - mostly because they're exhausted by the evacuation and trying to telepathically confuse the pursuit. GM: Congratulations - how nice a guy is Flux? Be causing you've literally just run them to ground. Flux: Vigilante, remember? Hero Shrew: Illegal aliens. Fireflash tries to talk to them, but they really just want to be left alone and unnoticed. Alien: And if I wasn't so tired you never would have noticed us. Just like the last three times. *he collapses* Fireflash: Quick, does anybody have any energy bars? Hero Shrew: I do. GM: Are they fit for human consumption? Hero Shrew: ... They're fit for Moreau consumption. GM: Aren't mealworm bars marketed to people anyway? Hero Shrew: Insects are edible. Fireflash: SOME insects are edible. But what to do with them? Even if they want to be left alone we can't really leave an unknown number of aliens squatting in an empty cinema, eating expired tinned goods and shooting up. Hero Shrew: How many more warehouses can you afford, Mr Lowell? Flux: We're not putting them in a warehouse. Hero Shrew: Why not? They'll be studied by top people. Fireflash: Top people are useless anyway - they just stand in one spot and grin. All: .... Groan. Flux: We only found these guys because we have better endurance than them. Hero Shrew: Well, of course we do - we have to endure Fireflash's puns every day. We can't hand the aliens over to one of the extraterrestrial affairs bureaus - because they're Moreaus. Hero Shrew: Huh - my Live Action Zootopia theory is looking more likely. Looks like they were going to make remakes of 50s SF too. But that's where things get especially weird - these guys claim to be Moreaus - and they think they're Moreaus - but they have none of the genetic markers shared by all the Moreaus that came out of the Genesys labs.

Pathfinder : Craptastic (Small note - Harshal's Harrow card should actually be the Twin, which makes much more sense than the Bear.) In this episode, the party learn more than they ever wanted to know about Magnimar's sewerage disposal systems, rescue a bunch of kobold slaves who go on to invent communism, and enable graverobbing from Fantasy-Native-Americans (awkward!!!!). GM: I give a Hero Point to the Chronicler, and whoever keeps track of the party treasure. Harshal: Which is currently two hundred pounds of garlic. In fact, the garlic is more valuable than the job we were originally hired for - substantially more so. GM: Which explains why there was always a guy out the back of the spice merchant's shop. You can guarantee he'll be investing in a better lock. GM: And that set of printers dies was only the basics. Harshal player: Didn't even include the cliches. Gillert: Ha. Harshal's player: I'm serious - it's where the word cliche came from. Preset blocks of frequently used words and phrases, 'clicked' into place. Gillert's player: I love gaming at this table - you always learn something. History, criminology... Zin's player: Entomology. GM: AND etymology. Erstwhile noble Tannis Orbereck has been hearing stories about the Silent Circle turning up around Magnimar - deeply creepy individuals with suspicious synchronisation and blank silver masks. Typically for the Circle, nobody knows what they're doing in Magnimar, or why they're here. Also, the Nightscales - the Magnimar thieves guild - are pissed off that somebody bypassed their smuggling operation. GM: They've been asking questions, but haven't got very far. Harshal: *looks innocent* I hope they make an example of somebody. And one of the Gargoyles - a brutal Underbridge gang - got mauled in an alleyway. Despite his bodyguard being just outside the alley. In hopefully unrelated news, Tannis gets an invitation from his cousin Emalliandra Orbereck, inviting him - and Harshal! - around for tea. GM: Knowing your cousin, you might want to take your own chair. She is very diligent into her research into Azlanti heritage and artefacts, so you'd think she'd be quite respected in the Orbereck clan. But she doesn't actually like her family much, and keeps to herself in her bookshelf-choked rooms in the Docklands. Harshal shares her interest in Azlanti and Thassalonian artefacts, which may explain why he's been asked to attend. Tannis shows up deliberately late. Tannis: My family may deserve respect, but they are not masters of me. Emalliandra: Who is it? Tannis: Your cousin. Emalliandra: Is it teatime already? Harshal: *sigh* I anticipated this - I brought a hamper. Emalliandra: Look at you, cousin! You've been busy! Harshal: 'And look, you've actually grown a beard!' The rooms are even worse than rumours suggested, with books piled up high against every wall. Tannis: You know, dear cousin, if you were actually willing to pay you could find a better apartment. Emalliandra: Oh, I couldn't do that - it's too entertaining listening to the landlady entertaining her visitors. Harshal: *chokes on his tea* There is actually a small table and four chairs. Emalliandra: I've been making friends. And I friends tell me you and your friend Harshal have been naughty boys. Harshal: *tenses up* Tannis: I'm pretty sure that's not true. Emalliandra: I'm pretty sure it is - that much lead coming into the city will be noticed. Tannis: We didn't do anything illegal. Harshal: *internal facepalm* Emalliandra: Did you pay import duties? Tannis: Oh, you mean illegal under Guild Law. Emalliandra: Now, I've nothing against a little smuggling now and then, but the Nightscales have been making enquires and they're getting close. Your friend Harshal here - good day to you by the way. Harshal: *bows and kisses her proffered hand* Ma'am. Emalliandra: As I was saying, your friend here is a known associate of our Mr. Crispin, so it won't take them long to make the connection. However, the Nightscales can be distracted. They've been digging a tunnel - not under the Irespan, since they're not insane - and if this smuggling operation gets disrupted, the current master of the thieves guild will lose a huge amount of face, and hopefully lose interest in pursuing minor smuggling issues. Tannis: And how does this benefit you? Emalliandra: Who knows how many priceless Thassalonian artefacts they're smashing as they dig? This is an area that needs finesse and careful excavation, not... Harshal: Hamfisted pick-axing in the dead of night. Emalliandra: Exactly. But you will be doing me a favour, and favours must be repaid. I offer you and your associates silver - so much less suspicious than gold, don't you think? - and an assortment of potions. I can reward you appropriately. *glances at the alchemical and appraising set-up in one corner* Tannis: Well, thank you, cousin. Family must stick together. Emalliandra: Especially those more 'interesting' family members. Half an hour of small talk over tea and cakes ensues, as Harshal considers the matter. Harshal: I'll need a reliable team - or at the very least warn them they may have to get out of town in a hurry. One complication - nobody seems to know who is doing the actual digging for the guild. And of course getting involved in Nightscales affairs right now is possibly the worst thing we could do. Zin: So... Your solution to our pissing off the thieve's guild is to piss them off even more? Emalliandra's contributions include potions of Cure Light Wounds, and one of Concealment from Animals. GM: The effect ends if you actually touch an animal, so it's not much use in the sewers, because you'll keep stepping on rats. Tannis: This operation might be rewarding for us. Harshal: Her Ladyship is in a position to express her gratitude appropriately. Gillert: I bought an umbrella. GM: Some people in Underbridge never see rain. Or daylight. Harshal: Do we need to put a false tail on Zin? Zin: I'm a Kobold who disguised as a Halfling trying to disguise himself as a gnome. We gather rumours. Dockworker: Damnedest thing - bunch of Nightscales come in to pick up a shipment. That's not the weird thing - it was all moon-radishes! And mushrooms. Harshal: Moon-radishes. Hmm. Tannis: Gee, I wonder what races eat moon-radishes and mushrooms. Harshal OoC: *nudges Zin* Hint, hint. Tannis: Oh look, the Halfling seems to know something. GM: 'Hey, I remember moon-radishes! *drools*' Tannis: They must have wanted miners that aren't very bright. GM: That explains why they're using kobolds. Harshal: 'Gee, I wonder what burrowing race we can pay in radishes' Insulting Zin's heritage is quite easy, even if most of us don't actually know he's a Kobold yet - maybe we can stir up the kobolds against the Nightscales just as easily. Zin: And then we'll have freed Kobold slaves running around under Magnimar. Ys: Not our problem. Harshal: Unless they burrow into the Irespan, and then it IS our problem. Ys: Nope. Then it's the city guard's problem GM: Nah - The kobolds would run into the sewer goblins first. Rats aren't the only pests under Magnimar. We track the excavations down by backtracking along the complicated chain of gangs, mafia, and nightsoil carts the Nightscales are using to conceal their activities. Fortunately, the team is very very good at not being noticed. Harshal OoC: Stealth Synergy - the entire party sneaks down the street disguised as a wall. NPC: 'This corridor seems a lot shorter than it used to be' Harshal notes that the Shoanti gangers the Nightscales are using are all from the Skoan-quah or Skull Clan, who when they're out on the steppes protect the Shoanti burial grounds, and so on. The richest districts of Magnimar are all up on the ramp leading to the stumps of the Irespan, overlooking Underbridge and the port. Harshal: Makes for easy sewerage disposal too. *reach out, pour* GM: Actually, when they were founding Magnimar they got a master engineer in to design the sewer system. Zin OoC: So Magnimar is one of the few medieval cities with indoor plumbing. GM: One problem is that nobody has a complete map of the sewers. Which is why they have all those cultists down there. Turned out later the engineer was a Norgorber cultist. He put in a lot of extra tunnels and dead-ends. One puzzle is why material from the excavation is going in multiple directions. Gillert: Maybe they're finding valuables as they excavate. Harshal: Thassalonian artefacts? Well, they're not gong-farming, anyway. Gillert: Gong-farming? Harshal: Collecting old nightsoil for gunpowder production. Fine old profession. The Nightscales have been very clever - the building they're using as a front is also the main collection point for uptown's privy buckets. Hiding the excavated soil and stonework is easy, given all the nightsoil carts that come through the yard here. The carts head out of town to deliver the valuable fertiliser to surrounding farms, and nobody finds out about the digging operation, which is just as well for the Nightscales since everybody remembers what happened the last time somebody delved too far and dug too deep. Tannis: So, how are we getting in? GM: There's one entrance that's unguarded. The slide all the nightsoil comes down. Harshal: Ah. And if we ever need to blackmail Tannis in future, when he's become an actual noble, we can remind him about the day he slid down the shitslide. Tannis: I'm not going down the shitslide. Harshal: Oh? Tannis: No. Ys is. Given the number of people watching the building - 'sleeping' beggars, suspiciously inefficient street sweepers, and the fairy dozing on the lintel, it's just as well we're a party of sneaking sneakers. Ys discovers somebody waiting near the bottom of the slide, flicking through a loose-bound pornographic blockprint by the light of a candle-clock. Harshal: Ah, technology. The unfortunate porn aficionado is promptly murdered by Ys and Zin. Harshal: I don't think he needed to DIE for his taste in erotica. Publicly flogged, perhaps. Harshal narrowly avoids an unfortunate accident getting into the building. GM: Nearly went face first into an ogre's dingleberry. The dead guy get dumped down the slide into the waiting nightsoil cart, with the hope enough nightsoil comes down to cover him up before anyone checks. Harshal: Do we need to make our own contributions? At least we've found the tunnel entrance. And the tunnels is much more complicated than we expected, wide enough for carts, with sound-baffling turns, workers camps for the Kobold slaves, and scorched mud-and-shit ceilings. Harshal: Let me guess - they're burning dried shit as fuel? They've got plenty of it. GM: Nope - they've got a use for that. *points to ceiling* This explains a rumour about a 'black market' we heard, too - it's certainly going to be big enough for a market. There's a number of Nightscales guards about the place too - some with scourges to use on the brutalised kobolds. Nightscale: Break! Taskmaster! On high! High Taskmaster: This one! No buckets spilled, no matter how I tried to trip him. Quick on his feet. I like that. *throws the Kobold a radish* Nightscale: On low! Low Taskmaster: This one! Three buckets dropped - a new record. You know the price - you make up the difference. The rest of you get to eat! At least one of the ten overseers is a Mage. Sneak attacks and stirring up the kobolds seem like the best plan. Tannis doesn't actually know that Zin is really a well-disguised Kobold. Tannis: Can the Halfling speak Draconic? GM as Zin: *mutters* Speak it better than you do, smooth-skin Zin: *sneaks in and whispers* Clanmates! Help is on the way! Kobolds: *stare at the Kobold-disguised-as-Halfling-disguised-as-gnome* Uhh.... You want us to do anything? We wouldn't mind getting a few hits in. Zin: Just wait for the signal. Harshal: The signal will be screaming. Sneaking into position. Ys is already within arms-length of a taskmaster. Gillert is going to colour-spray the others, and Tannis, Zin and Harshal are going to turn the Mage into a kebab. Ys: *Whispered prayer* Norgorber hear my prayer - this blood for you. Tannis: I ready my Vorpal Cudgel. Harshal: *raises eyebrow* Is that what you call it? The surprise attack works brilliantly - right up until the mage's familiar, a raven that was resting under the table, flies off cawing in panic. Crap. Ys manages to wing it with a thrown dagger. Zin: *in Draconic, to the kobolds* Clanmates! Attack! Tannis: *who also speaks Draconic* ... Wait, what? Tannis is pulling hidden daggers out of every orifice, Harshal is doing pinhole surgery on people's spleens with his rapier, Zin is pinning people to the wall with his crossbow, and Ys is being sneaky death on two legs. The kobolds turn the raven into nuggets. Then the survivors get their retaliation in. Harshal goes down with a club to the solar plexus. Gillert tries to Acid Splash them and takes mental damage as the spell backfires. Tannis: Next time don't visualise the spell effect inside your own head. Harshal OoC: It's 'Acid', not LSD. Tannis: Lower your weapon or die like your friends! Thug: *looks intimidated, drops his club, and is torn apart by a mob of Kobold slaves* Ys: You were right - he didn't die like his friends. He got killed by kobolds. What to do now? Could we use the tunnel for our own purposes? Inform the authorities about unlicensed archeology? Or collapse the chamber? We now discover that the brutalised Kobold slaves are all bearing the brand of the same Chellaxian trader that owned Zin. So we can leave by the other end of the tunnel, hand the kobolds over to the guards as slaves illegally imported into Magnimar, and let the powers-that-be treat them as a public relations opportunity. Or there's a half-elf alchemist in the Docklands named Iria that's known to take on unusual cases. GM: She's the kind of alchemist that has stuffed specimens and organs on the shelves. Harshal: Let's hope that's a crocodile hanging from her ceiling and not a Kobold. Kobolds: You're taking us all? Even the weak???? All: .... Tannis: ... Yesssss? The kobolds start talking animatedly among themselves, invent communism, and start sharing out the moon-radishes equitably. Harshal OoC: Have those kobolds just invented communism? I sure that will end well. Some of the loot includes fragments of Thassalonian inscriptions - quite valuable to collectors. And the Mage was reading an elven family's magical workbook, despite not being an elf. Harshal: Gee, I wonder where he got that - oh wait, the Nightscales are all thieves. Gillert recognises the Mage from his apprenticeship. GM: He was the master's favourite. He was the studious one. Gillert: I became a rogue, he became a douche. Tannis: We need to collapse this chamber. Hey Gillert, I've heard wizards can cast Acid Splash. I don't know if you can. Gillert: .... Arsehole. Iria is very excited. Iria: Do you realise how little opportunity I've had to study scalykind! Zin: Please! You have to help them! *whips off his disguise, revealing his species to the rest of the party* Harshal: Huh. Well then. Iria: Can I speak to you later about optioning your body after you die? Gillert: She's one of those people with no filter between brain and mouth, isn't she? Tannis: You're not dissecting any of them. Harshal: Or vivisecting. GM: How did you guess her archetype? Zin: I'm going to stay with the kobolds overnight. Harshal: Is that what you call it? Tannis: ? Harshal: Kobolds ARE the notorious hornbags of scalykind. Zin: Well, yes, but then Iria would want to watch. Emalliandra: Cousin! My friends tell me the thieves guild were busy last night. Apparently the bodies were piling up. Harshal: I'm surprised they could dig the bodies out that quickly. GM: No no no - what she's referencing is what happens when there's a leadership spill in a thieves guild. The bodies start piling up. She's also very interested in the inscriptions, and suspects that's how the Skull Clan got involved. Since the Shoanti are the descendants of the Thassolonian slave-warrior caste, adding such inscriptions and fragments to a Shoanti gravesite adds honour to the late inhabitants. She happily mentions that there are always Shoanti who can be paid to take them away again, and starts making plans to do so. This makes Harshal - Shoanti himself - very uncomfortable, but he doesn't say anything. Either way, she adds extra magical items into our payment, on top of paying for the inscriptions. One of the items is a elf's hand on a chain. Gillert: ... Well, as long as it wasn't made recently. GM: It was. Gillert: ... Tannis: My family are not nice people. Gillert: Isn't there a spell that lets elves regrow lost limbs? Tannis: There's a business idea for you.

Flux's player: As enjoyable as this conversation is I'm more concerned by the fact the GM has been rolling dice for the last five minutes. GM: Yeah, I have to roll for all your Hunteds, Rivals, Hero Shrew's player: Unluck. GM: Yeah. I which case there's tonight's plot right there. Flux's player: And it's all self-inflicted. GM: Hold off on buying a base - I'm going to give you one. Fireflash's player: ... Why am I suddenly nervous. GM: It's a base with potential. All: Oh god. Registration of superhumans is not enforced, mostly because nobody wants to try and legally define human and superhuman. Hero Shrew OoC: After all, if they have to register everybody with sonic weapon powers, do they have to sign up every Pistol Shrimp? Fireflash: And most cetaceans. Then you have chemical attacks. Redneck: Aw gawd, it's terrorists! Moreau: I skunked you, asshole. Redneck: A TERRORIST SKUNK???? This week looks like it will be set in The Zone, an area of Edge City under constant low-level gang warfare, where most of the gangs have low-level superpowers. One gang territory, that controlled by Humanity First, backs onto Edge City's nicer neighbourhoods. Hero Shrew: Gee, I wonder where THEY get their money from. Flux has noticed that some of the gangs - the Voodoo Crew and the Spinnerettes - are being quite active in part of The Zone. But all the cameras in that area have mysteriously stopped working, which makes his cyber-magery difficult. Are the Boosters up to something? Or are the Voodoo Crew and the Spinnerettes up to something in Booster territory? Hardlight: Hey Scooter, can you get off for an hour? GM: He works at a titty bar/brothel, I'm sure he can get off for an hour. Unless you meant get off work for an hour? Hardlight: *headdesk* Flux: Seriously, invent a foot shield for your mouth. Scooter finishes shaking a troublemaker unconscious, and dumps him headfirst into a dumpster. Bennie the Bouncer: Not headfirst, Scooter - they can suffocate that way. Hardlight: ... I really don't want to piss off Fireflash by calling her on a school night. GM: How do you get from The Zoo to The Zone? Hero Shrew: Walk up between Chinatown and Victoria to the freeway. GM: Good idea - they don't like Moreaus in Chinatown. Hero Shrew: Except when they're using us in Traditional Chinese Medicine. Flux: Do Moreaus count as livestock on Californian Freeways? GM: Nah - the Highway Authority avoided the whole problem by counting them as wildlife. Hardlight: We need to find a Spinnerette and ask them what's going on. GM: That's easy - look for a hot chick in red. Hero Shrew: Any bets on what will happen if Hardlight tries to talk to a Spinneret? Anybody? The Spinnerets are reinforcing the border to stop the trouble in the Booster territory spilling out. Spinneret: They're having a top-down reshuffle. Fireflash: A coup-d'état? GM: Not really, they're... Hero Shrew OoC: They can't even spell 'French'. Apparently the Booster's infighting is down to a philosophical disagreement over exactly how one gets augmented. Which given how willing the Boosters are to let anybody implant they with experimental military tech, etc, is a bit laughable. So why haven't the local cops, PRIMUS, or the military locked them up? Hero Shrew OoC: They're a minor threat and they're containing themselves. GM: They're mostly a threat to each other. There are, indeed, running battles in the streets between Boosters. One combatant in particular is gigantically muscled and apparently only has two toes on each foot. Hardlight OoC: Ah, the wonders of Liefeldian anatomy. In fact, all the most effective combatants have what look like drug tubing running down their arms. Maybe that's what the argument is about? Especially since the current booster leader - a former commando of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea - has distinctly old-school enhancements. Fireflash recognises the drug-harness technology - it's the same gear Ripper, one of the strongest super-terrorists in the world, uses. This is extremely alarming. Fireflash: We need to find out where they're getting these chems. Hero Shrew: We need to tell PRIMUS. Flux: We need to get a sample. Fireflash rings Primus and gets their pre-recorded message. Fortunately someone actually picks up in a few minutes. The rest of us are clearly audible in the background. Hero Shrew: That's gotta sting - she just pulled his arms off. Hardlight: Ask them if they want a sample. PRIMUS Op: I didn't just hear that, did I? Fireflash: No. PRIMUS Op: Good, because you're not sanctioned. Hardlight: Hey, I sent in the application forms! Fireflash: We need to get a sample of that drug. Hero Shrew: Hey, Hardlight said that! You mean it was actually a good idea? Hang about, I need to adjust some odds. Hero Shrew's plan to get the one on the motorbike doesn't work, since he recognises Scooter and doesn't go anywhere near him. Hero Shrew OoC: I'm a bit disgruntled about this - my reputation seems to be working against me for some reason. GM: First rule of the Speedster - don't go anywhere NEAR the Brick. Hardlight has more luck - by putting up a forcewall across the road one of the Boosters is running along at superhuman speed. The wall shatters, but the superhuman tumbles on for a few blocks. Hardlight: Scooter! Sic him! Fireflash: Shouldn't that be 'Retrieve him?' Hardlight: Good point. GM: Congratulations - you caught one. Hero Shrew: Yay! A plan actually worked. For once. Flux attempts to hack into the harness control systems, but he's locked out because the harness is the only thing keeping the Booster alive right now. Hero Shrew: They're killing each other in there. GM: Actually no. Hero Shrew: They're dismembering each other in there. GM: The traditionalists are trying to kill this drug guys, but the drug guys are just having fun. Every few minutes the guy starts coming around, and Hero Shrew slaps him unconscious again. Do we have anybody we can even hand this guy over to? Fireflash: Actually, I might - my school counsellor. Flux: ... OK, I can't wait to hear the logic behind this. The counsellor question in has numerous contacts himself. Counsellor: Sonia? Fireflash: Hey. You know about my... Accident, right? Counsellor: This something to do about your 'extra-curricular activities'? Fireflash: Might be. Anyway, where would I take a friend to get their cyber harness and drug systems analysed? Counsellor: Wait, are you over in Marsden? I'm watching this on the news. Flying to the university. Flux: Hardlight is slow. But Fireflash is fast. GM: ... I'm not touching that with a ten-foot pole. Flux: *headdesk* Fireflash: It's true though. My mom doesn't know, but I haven't 'Got Any' since the accident. I've got a body temperature of 64 degrees C now. Hardlight: And the boys are afraid of rug-burn? Hero Shrew: Then shave. Flux: We are not having this conversation on the way to the university! Fireflash: Besides, I don't have body hair anymore. Hero Shrew: Eh. Some people like that. The scienticians at the Uni eventually get quite animated and upset about the drug harness effects - for one thing the device and drugs will kill a user within a decade. Fireflash: We need to kill this. Flux: Agreed. Scientist: ... You mean kill this technology, right? Flux: ..... Yessss, that is what we meant. Fireflash: We can't handle this. I'm calling PRIMUS. PRIMUS message: PRIMUS is aware of a second incident in Edge City. All operators are currently busy. Fireflash: Aw crap. Hero Shrew: So, what's on the social media? It's all over the news too - the Dysprosium Dawn gang used the violence in the Zone as a distraction while they raided the Higson Institute of Biotech. Hardlight boosts Hero Shrew's leaping with his own powers, while riding the shrew's shoulders. This is faster than flying himself. And also worth photographing and posting on Facebook. Flux: Banjo Kazooie to the Rescue! Hero Shrew: So, what's your blog title? No Flux Given? Flux: *two thumbs up* GM: Can you imagine the pool services in Edge City? 'Mummy, there's an alligator in the pool!' 'No Bobby, that's the new pool man'... I need to post to the HERO forum, get some suggestions for jobs for Moreaus. The Higson Institute is well aflame by the time we get there, but at least the people there recognise us. In fact, they paid the news blimp to NOT broadcast the footage of us kidnapping that unconscious Booster. In return they'd like to know what happened to him and the harness. We oblige. It turns out Dysprosium Dawn were especially after all stocks of Dysprosium at the institute. It's a very useful metal, with all sorts of hitech applications. GM: The Spinnerets use information, and coercion. And weaponised sexuality. The situation in the Zone burns itself out, because the drug-harness Boosters are badly outnumbered and simply leave, running all the way up Stompanato Street, out through the biggest gate in the Zone Wall, and into Edge City proper. Shit. Flux settles down to design a spell to track down the stolen dysprosium - all two tonnes of the stuff. Three-quarters of a million dollars-worth. GM: They stole a truckload of it. A whole truck. You were picturing a bunch of guys on rollers skates going "wheheeheehee" weren't you? Hardlight: Why the hell did the Higson Institute even HAVE two tonnes of dysprosium??? Hero Shrew OoC: They were making a Dysprosium Dragon. Hero Shrew: I hope they don't expect us to carry it back. GM: Why? YOU could carry with one hand without breaking a sweat. Flux is working with a gramme of the stuff, donated by the institute. Hero Shrew: 'Keep it as a souvenir' Fireflash: I guess he's got a mono-gramme. All: *wince* GM: It's not fair, I'm the GM, I HAVE to listen to this stuff. Fireflash gets home to find a offer from Ravenholme Biotech. Which is peculiar, since they do cybernetics. ONLY cybernetics. And whatever Fireflash's condition is, it isn't cybernetic. Hero Shrew sleeps off the all-nighter. Hero Shrew OoC: You can take bets on whether the string of drool from my muzzle reaches the ground before I inhale it back in again. Fireflash heads to school. GM: 'Hey, look, everybody is in class early! Oh, wait *looks up, sees bucket over door* Right.' Fireflash: Come on guys, again?? Hero Shrew: ? GM: Bucket of water, and what she wears? GM: Make a note - you go to Morningside High School. Fireflash's player: Morningside National? Most US Schools have a second part to the name. Morningside Memorial? Hero Shrew: Morningside Generic. GM: Who wouldn't want to go to Northeast West Hollywood Middle School? Fireflash: The worst thing is that I used to be part of the Geek Clique. Hardlight: Part of the DnD club? Fireflash: Pathfinder, thank you - I play a cleric. Fireflash goes to find out about this Ravensholme thing, with Hardlight for backup just in case. After all, she's underage. Flux: And she's walked into situations like this before. It's how she got her powers in the first place. But they won't let him in - his emissions will interfere with their RF sensors. She goes in anyway. It turns out they work closely with the Higson Institute - indeed, the Institute is a subsidiary of Ravensholme. And their cybernetic work might actually be useful for Flux, since dumping excess heat is a problem with cybernetics too. They want to sponsor her career as a superhero, by building her a more modest outfit. Hero Shrew: But you will have to go around with a Ravensholme logo plastered across your butt. Flux notices that nearly everybody at the Institute uses a holo-haptic wrist display for their work. Flux: This might be a problem - I glow. She heads back down and picks up Hardlight. Hardlight: So my paranoia wasn't justified, this time. Hero Shrew OoC: 'They just wanted to make some clones of me, no doubt it will be relevant in future issues' GM: On you way out you see a small riot outside the Tyrell building. Hero Shrew's player: What do they do? GM: Seriously? Hero Shrew's player: .... Oh, right. Blade Runner. Flux OoC: AIs and cybernetics. Hero Shrew OoC: And electric sheep. Apparently, after the success of the robotic Johnny-cabs, Tyrell has announced the release of a whole line of simple AIs that threaten a large range of professions. Protesters: Real Jobs For Real People! GM: And they don't just chant that kind of thing about AIs, either. Hero Shrew OoC: Just as well I'm not there, hey? Hero Shrew's Player: 'Advanced Hoard Evaluation'? Flux's Player: ? GM: It's an illustration in the Ultimate Skills book - a dragon lying back on his pile of gold and reading a book called 'Advanced Hoard Evaluation'. Hero Shrew's Player: 'I'm sure I had an Arkenstone around here a minute ago'. Hero Shrew sleeps through the Prog Grunge Techno Dubstep rehearsal next door. GM: At least, that's what they say they are this month. Hero Shrew: *shrug* If annoyed me I'd add a counterpoint by bouncing the fridge on the floor. Flux: Please tell me you live on the ground floor. Fireflash: Why? Flux: So he doesn't putting the fridge through the floor. GM: Why do you think he's always destitute? Flux: 'Oh dear, I've killed the little old lady downstairs, time to move' GM: But you slept through it - apparently they've learned the basics of melody. Only took them four months. Now they just have to settle on a style. They're very popular with the Edge City hipster crowd. Fireflash: 'I love these guys, you never know what you're going to get' Hero Shrew's player: It would amuse me if I've been learning Disco dancing in an attempt to impress my romantic interest. Hardlight drops by Flux's place, disguised as a workman, to check on his progress. Hardlight: Cable guy! Flux: *wakes up, blearily* Wha,what? Wait, I'm my cable guy. Flux: Let me get dressed. *looks down to see he fell asleep still fully clothed* Never mind, done. He's tracked down the stolen Dysprosium to South Pinnacle, a headland overlooking Monterey Bay. And every other large Dysprosium deposit in North America, since he slightly overdid the spell. Flux: It's the best I could do on one night and caffeine. Flux: Where's the wrecking ball? Hardlight: ... I didn't pick him up. Flux: *facepalm* He might be useful! Fireflash: I'll go get him. *calls ahead* Scooter? Hero Shrew: *deafening rehearsals in the background* YEAH???? *WHOOM WHOOM WHOOM WHOOM* GM: SKRANGGGGGGGG!!! Fireflash: Are you busy? Or strangling a cat? GM: As Fireflash lands, carrying Scooter, Bubo takes notice. All: ? GM: The mechanical owl from one of the Harryhausen movies Clash of the Titans. Hero Shrew OoC: So there's a mechanical owl perched over the freeway watching us? GM: Yup. Hero Shrew OoC: OK.... Oh, f**k. Flux: F***ing mad scientists. GM: Actually, Bubo has been seen around Monterey Bay for over a century and a half. It keeps looking over at you and down at a particular warehouse. Hardlight: Blam. Flux: No, wait! Hero Shrew: It's on our side, nimrod. Fireflash: Don't shoot the help! Hero Shrew OoC: Didn't Harryhausen live around here? Fireflash: Yup GM: Thankyou! That's a very useful detail. The warehouse is full of Dysprosium Dawn. Doing presentations to each other about their latest Mad Science ideas. Hardlight: OK, them I Blam. Flux: Wait until we're all in position! GM: I think he has a power mechanic that transforms Intelligence into Energy Blast. Hero Shrew: Want me to throw a garbage truck through the wall as a distraction? Fireflash: Wait for the signal. And preferably something smaller. Hero Shrew: OK. *tests the weight of some Dumpsters* Fireflash dives down into the warehouse, punching through the force field they had set up, and does a three-point superhero landing on the stolen truck. Fireflash: OK guys, party's over! I don't care what else you're doing, but the dysprosium goes home! Dysprosium Dawn gangers: Oh come on, really! We didn't hurt anybody! One particular Dys Dawn Ganger: MwahahHaHaHAHa! I shall SHOW you my MechaMorph is the best! *presses a button, and a giant robot assimilates the flame tank and looks pretty damn threatening, actually* Fireflash: Ok, nice trick. Now for mine. GM: The rest of you can hear a lot of tearing metal and crashing inside. Hero Shrew: Was that the signal? Hardlight: So the rest of us are making grand entrances and Flux sneaks in through a side door. Fireflash flies around behind the MechaMorph and targets the napalm tank. Hero Shrew OoC: Oh joy. Why am I suddenly picturing a mushroom cloud of flame over South Pinnacle. Hardlight: Finally! Melta-missiles! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM. Flux: Every CEO needs a hobby. GM: Whoop! Whoop! Litigation Alert! Litigation Alert! Hardlight: It's only a machine.... As far as I know. GM: So you're using Armour Piercing attacks? Flux: Explosion doesn't help you much against Oh My F**k The MechaMorph sprouts a force field, reroutes its systems around the current damage, and assimilates a cyberbike fitted with missile launchers. Fireflash: Um. Help? Hero Shrew attempts to take out an ankle, and bounces off. Hero Shrew: Well, I'm annoyed now. I'm famous for the amount of damage I can do... Or was it infamous? Fireflash charges up for a maximised attack, and drains all the light from the vicinity. GM: The shadows are getting deeper and deeper. It's like somebody turned the contrast waaaaay down. Flux: That's actually pretty creepy. GM: 'I. Am. The Light! In! Darkness!' Hero Shrew hits it hard enough to jam one of the MechaMorph's claws into it's own leg. Hero Shrew: I can help with that! *rips the arm off* Fireflash: You are our god. The MechaMorph grabs one of the other mad science vehicles, and assimilates the bits into a big fuck-off laser along one limb. Hardlight: Multiple Variable Refractor Prisms???? Flux: *whimper* GM: The last time I used the MechaMorph they killed it in the first round. Trawler grabbed it by a leg and beat it to death against the floor. Hero Shrew: ... I don't remember this. GM: Yes. Because your team killed it in the first round. The Dysprosium Dawn gangers are cowering in the corners as the battle tears apart the warehouse. Dysprosium Dawn: Turn it off! That Ganger: It's not automatic! They took out the radio on the first attack, I can't tell them to stop! GM: It's not a robot. It does have two pilots though. I'm good at designing vehicles. Hardlight: Time to take out Gypsy Failure, then. Hero Shrew: Robots have balls, don't they? I've seen Transformers. GM: *glares* Transformers fan here - that movie was a travesty. Hero Shrew: *shrugs* Trucks have nuts, too. Ganger: Look at the emitters on that! Fireflash: Funny, that's what they say about me. Flux overloads the force field emitters. That Particular Ganger: NOOO, those took me three months! Other Gangers: *taking notes* MechaMorph: HYDRAULIC SYSTEMS ONLINE Flux: *points at the inventor* You, you sir, are an idiot! No vocal systems! It's like saying FORCE FIELD DOWN. MechaMorph: *rotating to bring missiles to bear* F**K YOU, ASSHOLE. Flux: You and I are going to have words later. That Particular Ganger: It's not illegal to make stuff! Flux: How about Property Damage? Hero Shrew: We've done more property damage so far. Flux: And the flamethrower? GM: Not illegal in California. Fireflash: True. Flux: OK, I'll get back to you once I figure out what you're guilty of. GM: The Lantern Bearers don't go near Earth - because four of the five animal Lanterns come from here. Flux OoC: 'If I die, I don't want my Power Ring going to a pigeon.' GM: I like the idea that Flux's Haymaker attack is less KAMEHAMEHA as frantically stacking sigil and babbling 'Not yet, not yet!' And then Fireflash's Haymaker takes it out. Flux: *Frantically collapses his spell again before it goes off* Nononono... Whew. Four of the gangers piled into an invisible car and escape while we were engaged. The rest are quietly unloading the dysprosium. Gangers: The truck's ours. Ganger: And the bike was mine. Fireflash: That's fine, we only wanted the dysprosium. Other Ganger: Warehouse is mine. Fireflash: You'll probably want to wait till the cops get here. Ganger: That's fair. On the other hand, the open space underneath the warehouse, revealed by the battle, is news to all of us except the mechanical owl. GM: WHOOHOO! WHOWHOO! It's a small anachronistic complex, with glass domes and spools of paper. Flux: That's a ticker tape machine. GM: There's five of them. Fireflash: .... Oh my god. OMIGOD. *starts geeking out* Because 150 years ago The Mechanist protected California with steam-powered flying armour and other steampunk tech. And we just found ourselves his base. GM: And the clockwork owl just used you to get those damn kids off its lawn. After all, Bubo didn't want a group of mad scientists finding the museum of super villain trophies down here. Fireflash: Hardlight, order some concrete. You have a hole to patch. GM: And a warehouse to buy. It has a moon pool exit into Monterey Bay, that the Gilmore Tunnel missed by a few feet. It even has a Difference Engine, albeit damaged. And the California Museum of Superheroes will be delighted too. GM: HAHAHA, see, it's not just Detroit and New York that have a long history of superheroes! True, the Dysprosium Dawn leadership escaped. Flux: They were smart enough to get away. GM: That's why they're the leadership. Flux's Player: This was a good session - and Fireflash didn't end up naked!

Not really - Scooter is short, broad, has tiny little eyes, and long conical snout. http://www.paradoxwiki.com/images/9/99/Womble.png more like that

GM: Yes, I would punch a cripple. The only context I'm giving you - Me: He might be a cripple, but he IS an arsehole. The new Pathfinder campaign is set in Magnimar, a Freeport with a sizeable population of escaped slaves, built around the ruins of a gigantic ocean-spanning bridge. Archeology in Magnimar is strongly discouraged ever since they discovered the bridge was infested with giant man-eating spiders. The party are all various flavours of rogue. Zin: Kobold trapsmith, escaped slave. Harrow Card - The Locksmith. Tannis Orbereck: Ethnically Azlanti, human rake, fledgling noble sent out to see if he can do the family proud before can actually inherit the position. Harrow Card - The Tyrant. Gillert: Varisian, human, eldritch scoundrel. Writer. Harrow Card - The Wanderer. Ys Danar: Elven cutthroat, former pirate. Harrow Card - Demon's Lantern Harshal High-seeker: Shoanti investigator and barrister. Harrow Card - The Bear. Gillert OoC: 'The Wanderer' card has come up four times in a deck of 52. This is mildly disconcerting. GM: So nobody took basic rogue - you ALL took archetypes. And how many of you have Good alignments? Gillert: *holds up hand* All: *pause* Gillert OoC: Somebody has to be the killjoy. Harshal OoC: I don't have many of the 'traditional' rogue skills, but if you need legal counsel or a ironclad contract, I'm your man. And if I need anybody stabbed or houses robbed, I've got the rest of you. The GM mocks the choice of Kobold as PC. GM: So human, human, Azlanti, and kick-toy. I'm sorry, I thought you want to avoid being the butt monkey of the campaign this time? GM: Eldritch scoundrels are generally failed wizards. They couldn't keep up with the training because they kept wanting to go out and fun. It's like the difference between Dedicated Martial Artist and Worldly Martial Artist. Dedicated Martial Artists get two schools or a unique. Worldly Martial Artists get one school - Me: And get laid from time to time. GM: Somehow I avoided all the 'Let It Go' covers until I saw the movie six months after release. Me: You never heard Jrska's take on it. GM: And that is a good thing. Me: True. Although she DID put her own twist on some of the lyrics. GM: Maybe, but in her case 'Conceal, don't feel' is good advice. Zin OoC: I'm not sure what God I should follow. GM: Be polytheistic. Harshal: Just burn a candle for whatever God you think pulled your arse out of your fire this time. Harshal OoC: Gillert keeps autocorrecting to Gillette on this. GM: *sings* Gillette - the best, a man can geeeettttttttt. Gillert: *headdesk* The PCs have all worked together in various combinations before - the pirate was on the ship that was smuggling slaves out of Chilliax. The failed wizard writes the biography of the rake-hell, and provides an unforgable Arcane Mark whenever the barrister needs a witness on contracts. GM: I am NOT running another Avengers Assemble plot. Harshal's client, the Chelaxian printer Parvo Crispin, wants a crate moved from the docks to his place of business, without it being seen. Parvo: Oh, it's not something I'll get in trouble for having. Harshal: Interesting - I don't get many cases like that. The item in question isn't illegal, but the thieves guild ARE expecting a large fee for it, which the client would like to avoid. GM: ... The only ship name I can think of now is 'The Wonderful Fanny' The chest has come from a city famed for its metalwork. Harshal OoC: He's importing movable type, isn't he? GM: *looks innocent* It can be picked up from a sailor by the name of Razor. Harshal: And let's hope he hasn't made a side deal with the Guild? Parvo: Oh, he already has a deal with them. He goes to one dock, one tavern, and one flophouse, and they don't cut his throat. Harshal: With his own razor, no doubt. Parvo: I didn't inquire. The plan is to find out where the guild are loitering today, 'borrow' a handcart, and haul the crate back, avoiding any guild observers, and any city guard that might want to check the tariff stamps on the box. GM: You're making me break out 'Ultimate Intrigue' already. Gillert: Maybe we should take a larger, emptier crate and carry the smaller crate inside it? GM: Nice. Which Harrow card gave you that idea? Gillert: None, it just came to me. First hurdle - the ideal crate is in a locked shed behind a spice merchant that always has somebody working nearby. GM: This plan sounds like it's got way out of hand already. Harshal OoC: Shadowrun! All: Yay! Harshal and Tannis will distract the guy while Zin picks the lock, and Ys and Gillert leg it with the box. The crate contains a large amount of garlic. Ys: I have enhanced senses. Harshal: I guess you'll be pulling the handcart then, instead of pushing it. GM: Enhanced senses is the main reason elves like subtle spices. GM: OK, hang on... Gillert: We're being checked for unlawful garlic. Razor: Wouldn't have guessed a thin streak of piss like him would have had the stones to try something like this. Harshal: Yes, it's been an unusual job, that's for sure. The chest we're picking up is solid Darkwood. And has a very elaborate box. With huge merchant marks on all sides. Tannis: We're not being paid to be curious. Ys: Plus we don't want to die. GM: You've got an addiction you to feed - it's called living. The chest is also MUCH heavier than we expected. Ys can barely lift it. Ys: .... OK.. Somebody go steal the handcart. GM: While you're manhandling the small box into the big one, you notice one of the dock hands slip out the door. Harshal: Aw, crap. Ys: We're blown - move it! GM: Stevedores are very strong, keenly aware that they carry a deadly weapon, and don't like scab labour. Tannis: Like us. Tannis and Ys hurriedly change into their disguises, and stagger off with the crate. Right past the three thugs scanning the crowd and checking a piece of paper. GM: 140 pounds of lead isn't easy to move. Ys OoC: It IS moveable type - Drhoz was right. Tannis OoC: I was wondering why you keep trying to calculate the weight of drawers. GM: The thugs are minor guild muscle - they've been told to look out for a particular chest with a particular mark on it. Ys: I guess we lucked out going for a larger crate. GM: Yup. I'm not going to punish my players for a good idea. GM: And now you know why the thieves' guild tax on it was so high - the tax on boxes you can't open is based on weight. And anything this heavy was probably gold. We converge at the clients to drop off the chest, collect our fee, and head home to try and scrub off the smell of garlic. GM: And you've got twenty pounds of garlic. Harshal: I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with that. GM: Sell it on the black market. It IS twenty pounds of garlic. Gillert: How about we sit on the garlic until the heat dies down? GM: That sounds uncomfortable. Parvo carries the entire chest with one arm. Tannis: No wonder he said one person could carry it. Parvo: Why does it smell of garlic? Gillert: Vampires. Parvo: Was there any trouble? Gillert: Vampires. Parvo proudly shows off the drawers full of small lead blocks. Parvo: Gentlemen! And lady! And.. Maybe a lady. Witness the future! Harshal: I think your friend Razor thought you were smuggling in precious metals. Parvo: In a way, I was.

A small set of the PCs and hangers-on are hurrying to catch up with the local lordling, Gorestag, preferably before the elemental cultists ambush him. It's going to be at least a day's travel, and we don't have enough horses to travel all night. GM: Your Bullywug has been wearing the squirrel suit thinking it will make him look less like a Bullywug and therefore people will trust him. It doesn't work. Lamech: Nope - instead he looks like a Bullywug on his way to a furry convention. GM: (Kav's player), you are NOT going to draw this. (Lamech's player), you are NOT going to write the story. GM: You relax around the fire. Lamech: And Kremit gives Kav a back massage? GM: And Kavorog licks his. We get attacked. Evidently someone objects to hot lizardman-on-bullwug action. Kavorog: Why do they always attack us at night? GM: Because they're nocturnal. Lamech: Fair enough. Lamech: Behind you! Stop licking his back and move! It's a party of Gnolls. Lamech's Player: So, is it Vitus or Jrska? Kavorog's Player: I thought that one looked familiar XD GM: Kavorog, you and your companion are spared by Lamech's spell effect. Lamech: 'Companion' GM: Batman had a Boy Wonder, Kavorog can have a Frog Wonder. Lamech: Tadpole Wonder. Kremit gets downed. Kavorog: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lamech: 'You can't die, you're too perfect for this world, melodramatic sob' We also encounter a group of the local barbarians - the encounter is civil enough, right up until Blacklair the dwarf decides to pick a fight with them because they're of a rival totem. He passes every spell save as the rest of try to prevent the fight. Including the Calm Emotions the cleric tries to cast, which fails to calm Blacklair, but DOES calm the barbarians, who back politely away from the frothing dwarf. Barbarians: Please restrain your maniac. Lamech: *sigh* It appears this train wreck is unavoidable. Lamech manages to Web the dwarf and Kavorog chokes him out. We camp beside the Giant's Span Bridge, which is probably of dwarven manufacture given the complete lack of safety rails. Kavorog and Kremit take the last watch. Lamech: That way the rest of us will have got SOME sleep before those two Get It On. And then a large water elemental humps up out of the water. We panic, as is our wont. Cleric: Now, what can I do? I could have cast Calm Emotions on it, but I needed to cast that on somebody else, didn't I? *casts a scathing glance at Blacklair* Lamech: Talk to it, you're a Water Genassi, aren't you? GM: This is going to sound stupid ... But the wave wavers. GM: Now, what offering will it take to let you pass unhindered... Lamech: It has a craving for idiot dwarves - do we have any in the party? GM: You're a bit short on those. Instead it tries to engulf our horses, who break free and run for it, closely followed by the rest of us. All our camping equipment is trashed, but at least nobody is hurt - victory!

Fireflash: As I recall you had me there to grab the item the Six Teens were handing off to their employer. And for some reason, YOU, Hardlight, kept attacking the Six Teens despite the fact they'd already passed it off. Hero Shrew: In my defence, I'd forgotten why we were there. Hero Shrew: Don't we have to give a copy of that data to that Dysprosium Dawn weirdo? GM: Dammit! Flux OoC: GM, foiled again. Hardlight: I can alter all the data before we give copies back to the police and that mad scientist. Fireflash: So LowellTech will be the only group with the data and can profit from it? In a word - I DON'T THINK SO. GM: Plus there's the small matter of tampering with evidence. Hardlight: Flux and I aren't going to kill anybody! We've got a code against killing. Flux: So what you're really telling me is 'don't do it where you can see me'. Flux: So we don't need proper sanctioning. Fireflash: Pity, I enjoy a good sanctioning. Flux, Hardlight: .... Hero Shrew: ... I don't get it. Hardlight: We're the Light Irregulars. Flux: No. Hardlight: We three are the light, the shrew is the Irregular. Hardlight: Well, next weekend - GM: So you're the Weekend Warriors now? Fireflash: How about Quadrant? There's four of us. Flux: You okay with that, Scooter? Hero Shrew: *shrug* I guess. What's a quadrant? Hardlight: Now I have to redesign all our costumes. Fireflash: I am not having a giant Q over my nipple. Flux: And do you really want to put the shrew in spandex? He already smells like wet dog. GM: How about a colour co-ordinated man-kini? Flux: *shudders* Hero Shrew eventually realises that various fluffy-tailed Moreaus have gone missing. This enrages the shrew, because that cop stopped him shaking the truth out of the unconscious Alsatian. Hero Shrew: I'm going to that cop eat his own power armour. GM: I still haven't found a good picture to use for Hero Shrew. Flux: Funny, he doesn't look shrewish. Hero Shrew goes to talk to his boss at the Collar Club, who is a bit upset to learn that Genesys might still be around. He gets the various bouncers to take suitable precautions. Flux: Every time I see that place I think it should be called "The Pussy Palace". Hero Shrew walks into Hardlight's office - forgetting the whole 'secret identity' thing. Hero Shrew: Hey, you remember how that Alsatian said some perv was stalking fluffy-tailed girls- Hardlight: .... Who are you and how did you get in my office? Flux: You really think human security could stop him? Hero Shrew: *notices the human security clinging to his ankles and being dragged along* Security: I'm sorry, Mr Lowell, we couldn't stop him. Hero Shrew: .... Er... So... If you could tell that other guy. The one with the light suit. Who isn't you. Security: Wait, aren't you the bouncer at that furry bar? ... We'll be outside if you need us, sir. Hardlight: *headdesk* GM: *sings* Oh Lord, won't you find me/ a super-strong, muzzle / My brick won't stop yapping / I must make it, end. Hardlight tries to ring Fireflash. Fireflash: He's still blocked. GM: I thought you were going to unblock him? Fireflash: I was going to but I forgot. Hero Shrew OoC: So you're going to have to ring her at home and talk. Via her Mom Flux is at work too, which makes for an interesting conversation when his co-workers listen in. He begs off drinks after work, claiming he needs to put in overtime. Fireflash discovers a problem with her new costume. Sure, it ensures good airflow and won't flap when she's flying along - she just forgot that she lands feet first, at speed. GM: And your dress whips up and over your head, to the delight of all the pedestrians with cameras on the other side of the street. Flux: I'm already following it on Social Media. Hero Shrew OoC: What kind of captions are they putting on the photo? ... 'Curtain Matches The Capes?' Hero Shrew: ... Yeah, so my other boss said I should talk to you guys too. Fireflash: Your other boss? Hero Shrew: Yeah, I'm a bouncer. Fireflash: Ah, I see. Hero Shrew: Yeah, at that titty bar this boss met me at. Hardlight: *headdesk* Fireflash: .... Really. *turns to Hardlight, and angrily flaps the inadequate dress* What, this isn't enough for you? Hardlight: Flux, I'm asking you to do the data search because you have the investigative skills. GM: Nope. Hardlight: *sigh* I know, the shrew does. But he can't use the database. GM: Because he's illiterate. GM: The other problem with searching the database is 'How do you quantify fluffiness of tail' Hero Shrew OoC: I'll help. There will be gestures. 'I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie.' Hero Shrew asks the missing girl's neighbours if he can check their apartments for clues. Hero Shrew: In case I need a key. Me and doors don't get on. Of course, most Moreaus don't even bother closing their doors - they can smell whoever has been in their rooms anyway. Hero Shrew: That's funny... Smells like a car. Hardlight: What, new car smell? Hero Shrew: Nah, one of those ones that starts with an N. The front end looks like a face. Hardlight: ... GM: Nakajima. Hardlight: Weird. Hero Shrew: Yeah, I know - how would you even get a car up the stairs? Fireflash finds a photo print-out on the table - of herself, at her school. There's a note on the back. 3 4 1. Deal? - K (anonymous email addy) Fireflash emails the address - "I assume I'm the One" and get another anonymised email in confirmation. The K stands for Killzone, an effective and capable mercenary, but one who is honourable and keeps her word. Hardlight suspects that this exchange is an attempt by the people that gave her her powers to hand herself over, and that the missing Moreaus were bait to get the superheroes involved. Flux and Hardlight hurriedly collaborate to invent a way to track Fireflash before this Three-for-One exchange can happen. Flux's private lab is a strange mix of circuit diagrams and occult symbols. Hardlight: ... Is that chicken blood on your 3-D printer? And then Flux's co-worker shows up. Bob: Hey, Chris, you up there? All: .... Fireflash: Hey babe, Chris was here but said he'd be back later! Bob: Oh, I see, I understand, I didn't know he had someone over, I'll leave you to it! ... You sound familiar. Flux: .... I am so going to jail... Bad news - Killzone has assistance from Doom Troopers. At least the missing Moreaus are being kept in comfortable quarters in an otherwise typical Abandoned Warehouse Hero Shrew: You girls OK? Fluffy-tailed Girls: Yeah, bit nervous, but they asked us really detailed questions about what we needed for food. Hero Shrew: Good to hear. If they hadn't been looking after you I'd be really cross. Doom Troopers: *thumb their triggers nervously* GM: They know all about your rages. Hero Shrew: Nice to be recognised. Killzone won't let the hostages go until Fireflash gets into the crate, and after they've removed all the obvious bugs and trackers. GM: All the obvious trackers. They even go to the trouble to explaining what sedatives they'll be using and checking her medical allergies, etc. and reimburse the kidnapped Moreaus for their lost wages. Very thoughtful. Less thoughtful is the reaction from Flux and Hardlight when we entered the warehouse, and they completely lost all the signals from our bugs and trackers. Cue rising panic. Then the warehouse doors open. GM: NOW you get a signal. Flux: ... I was going to say she's putting out again, but... GM: Unlike Hardlight, YOU have a filter. Hero Shrew leads the girls off around the corner, and tells them to leg it for the Zoo. And then hurries off to meet up with Hardlight and Flux. Hero Shrew: I'm following the plan. I'm a good shrew I am. Flux: .... Please tell me he's not coming straight here. GM: Did any of you tell him not to? Flux: *headdesk* Flux: Scooter, don't lead them to us! Hero Shrew: *holding a paw to his ear to listen to his communicator* I can't see anybody following me. Flux: They might be ninjas. Hero Shrew: I can't see any ninjas. And then the tracking technomantic spell indicates that the Doom Troopers, Killzone, and the crated Fireflash are travelling underwater. Hero Shrew: Well, I start looking around for a boat we can steal. Flux: We look around for a boat we can legally requisition for lawful pursuit. Instead we pile into a robot cab and follow northward along the shore. GM: Let's Rock! ... And take public transport. Hardlight: I have a brilliant idea. GM: Why am I suddenly afraid? Flux: 'We blew up the marinas' "Why" "because we couldn't be arsed searching them' At least their sub isn't moving fast. Hero Shrew: They're in a submersible. And probably pedalling it. Hero Shrew starts looking around for something heavy. Hero Shrew: Can I jump off the bridge and use the weight of the cab to get me down to the sub? GM: Yes, but the cab company might object. Hero Shrew: I'm going to swim down to the sub and start punching holes in it GM: The sub where Fireflash is drugged and unconscious? Wait - they said the mask would keep feeding her oxygen while she was being shipped, didn't they? Hero Shrew: Yes I remembered Fireflash: Who are you and what did you do with the real Hero Shrew? Flux and Hero Shrew run up on the bridge while Hardlight runs to get a boat, and then back to an ATM to get money. GM: Larry, Curly, and Moe. Hero Shrew: Maybe we should tell the Coast Guard. Flux: About the mystery sub? Hero Shrew: Full of armed mercenaries. Flux: 'And how do you know this?' GM: 'We just did a hostage exchange with them' Hero Shrew plunges in to intercept - and discovers the mercenaries aren't in a sub. They're all using underwater sleds. GM: I love how you all assumed it was a sub. I mean, who can afford a sub? Hero Shrew OoC: Prohibition bootleggers who want to prove a point by torpedoing the Coast Guard. Flux's blast attack misses all the Doom Troopers - they were towing the crate, after all - but DOES destroy the crate itself, and that half-wakes Fireflash. And brings the sixteen mercs to the surface. And pisses Killzone right the hell off, since she considers the troopers family. Fireflash: Why aren't we sticking to the plan! Hero Shrew: If they'd gone by land we could have followed them. GM: Which is why they didn't go by land. Competent mercenary, remember? So, no clue where they were taking you. Blame your teammates. GM: You realise there's nothing around to use as a weapon, since you're in the water. Hero Shrew: But if I can get my hands on one of them, I WILL have a weapon GM: You're learning the First Rule of Successful Bricks. Killzone isn't with them - she just put on a jacket and hat and strolled off along the boardwalk. But she DOES come running when she sees her team in trouble. She is also a very good shot with her Pulson pistols. GM: The Doom Troopers are worried, they have an angry Murderball in their midst. Hero Shrew: Who is about to use one of them as a club. GM: He's only stunned, not unconscious. Flux: You can still use him as a club - he'll just be less enthusiastic about it. On the other hand they have their own Flash-based weapons - and Hero Shrew is promptly blind and deaf. And the other eight are heading after Fireflash. GM: They have very specific orders when faced with a Brick in close quarters - try to Flash them, then get the fuck away. And then Fireflash erupts from the water like a Polaris missile, and Killzone and her mercs scatter while the scattering is good. Killzone: My services are for hire - not my life. Fireflash is not happy with the rest of the team, for rescuing her when the plan was to find out who paid to kidnap her. Hero Shrew: We would have followed you but we didn't have a boat. Blame him, we sent him to find a boat. Hardlight: I was perfectly happy following you, but then HE had to go and jump off a bridge! Flux: Where do you hire someone like Killzone anyway? Fireflash: I don't know! There isn't a forum for supervillains! Hero Shrew: Actually, there is, it's on the Black Net.... Something to do with fishing, I think. In fact, the villain's forum in question is a moving marketplace, that sets up in locations around the world, fairly often in Edge City, where villains can trade tech, cursed artefacts, hire mercs, etc. GM: But it only ever meets on weekends. Flux: Villains have day jobs in this economy. The mention of the Black Net leads to the discussion of the Shadownet, and the AIs that monitor it. Flux: I am not going near an AI. Hero Shrew: If the Internet is for Porn, I'm sure the AI is lonely - you'll be really popular. Flux: I am NOT going near that AI. Flux: *sigh* Why is the most normal one of us the genetically engineered shrew? Hero Shrew: *is currently picking his teeth with a length of rebar* GM: Where did you get the rebar? Hero Shrew: Had to break a bit off the bridge parapet. GM: You broke part off the bridge?? Hero Shrew: Needed some weight to get down to where I thought the sub was. Fireflash: *facepalm* Hardlight shuffles funds into a secret account for use in emergencies. Hardlight: I have created the Bat-Creditcard. GM: And I will have to kill you. Fireflash hasn't realised her improvised top is soaked through yet. Hardlight: I've noticed, but I'm too polite to look lower than her eyes. Hero Shrew: I'm not. GM: But you've seen hundreds of boobies. Hero Shrew: Yeah, but they look different without fur on. Flux: *looks down* For fucks sake. The Shrew's bosses are glad the missing Moreaus are safe, but less so that Hero Shrew damaged the bridge in the process. Hero Shrew: I don't think they got it on camera. They might find my tooth marks in the rebar though. Bennie the Bouncer: Goddamnit, I keep telling you, just keep some tire rubber to chew on. Hero Shrew: Those reinforced radials, pretty rough coming out the other end. Bennie: Not the whole tire! Colin the Collie: *sigh* Tell Cham to go see the Head of Main Roads and smooth things over. He'll do anything for a paw job. Colin the Collie: I only followed about half of that explanation. Hero Shrew: Yeah, I didn't pay much attention to the debrief myself. Colin: ... I sympathise with your other boss, I really do. Hero Shrew: *pauses in my chewing on another Mealworm Bar* Flux: Something wrong? Hero Shrew: Think there was a Superworm in that one. Flux: Superworm? Hero Shrew: Kinda big beetle grub. Flux: Oh. Superworm suggests something very different in a Superheroic Milieu. Somebody has anonymously sent Flux a document called Magick and the Modern Practitioner. This worries him, since nobody but him knew he was actually a Mage. And the message arrived via a semi-conscious program primed to find technomancers. And did it through an unconnected modem. He also digs deep into the info on Killzone and her Doom Troopers. She's very protective of them, and does NOT react well to mind control. She's been known to go toe-to-toe with the superhumanly strong, and she's an expert shot. The Doom Troopers' suits and weapons are pretty alarming too. Flux makes a few connections, and comes to the alarming conclusion that the tech leads back to Terror Incorporated and the work of the supposedly late Professor Muerte. Which would also explain Killzone's antagonism towards the terrorist organisation Eurozone, since two of them fused Muerte into his armour and dropped him into the Marianas Trench.

Nah, Kavorog limits himself to scaley or otherwise hairless males. Jrska has no limits at all. If anything she'd snort and mutter "amateur"

Every magician PC and NPC compare ideas on turning the Shadowgate into a magically formidable barrier against any more undead coming through. Using Stone Shape to create a sealed door between the gate and the outside world is a good start. Kavorog: You could build a city in a month with this spell! Lamech: Sure. But then the Mason's Guild would have you assassinated. Will also make plans to have the dead Dragonborn we found resurrected. It's a good political move, especially if we want to seal an alliance between Faerûn and the Dawn World on the far side of the Shadowrealm. Kavorog: The Elemental Apocalypse can wait a week. The party splits up, which always works. Urlon heads off to a sacred grove to check if the resurrection will actually work, and the rest of us go drop in a Helvenglade Manor to see if they have any useful adventuring gear they want to sell. Kavorog's new acquisition, the Bullywug Kemrit, is bound to be a problem. He has a very high Charisma for a Bullywug, and high ranks in Deceive. Lamech: And Kavorog wanted him in the party * sigh* 'I can't help who I love'! GM: At least he isn't a bard - I spared you that. Lamech: * sings* 'It ain't easy, being Evil'. Kavorog: I didn't choose him just because frogs are hot! GM: Is it the big mouth? Kavorog: No! Lamech: It's the long tongue. GM: Had to take a Shiba Inu for a walk and exercise the other day. But the only toy she likes is a length of rope. So I've got a Japanese bitch who likes rope play. GM: You know the woods are called the Cryptgardens because all all the ancient tombs among the trees. Lamech: Crips? Are there many Bloods? The steward at Helvenglade is polite enough, but asks us to wait unlikely Lord Gorstag returns and can approve lending out magical heirlooms. Lamech: Gorstag? I smell plot hook. Steward: I'll make you comfortable in the guest lodge. Please keep your servants to yourself. Lamech: And that's not ominous at all. Also worrisome - the manor is suspiciously ill-prepared and ill-defended for a place next to somewhere call the Cryptgardens. They put it down to protection by the ancestral ghost. Worse, his Lordship had left to investigate the same disappearance of diplomats that we are. And he has no idea about the cultists or Temple of Elemental Evil. Steward: So who do you actually work for? Lamech: Everybody that doesn't want the world consumed by an elemental apocalypse. Steward: Good answer. GM: How are you preparing for dinner? Kavorog: Shine myself up with my best oils. GM: * sigh* What should a dragonborn be wearing - a lounge lizard suit? More alarm bells - literal ones in this case - are run during the second course. Lamech: Is this going to be another siege? GM: And you didn't bring your weapons with you to dinner. Lamech: Actually, since we're at dinner we're fine. Everybody grab the steak knives and fish forks. And they're silver, so we're good against werewolves too. It's actually the local Halfling farmers, screaming about a giant being of fire and smaller lava creatures destroying farmsteads and heading for the manor. Lamech: I told you, I fucking told you - elemental apocalypse, like I bloody said. At least Lamech and Kavorog can run off into the forest and start some fires of their own. GM: Won't that summon Smokey the Bear again? Lamech: Exactly - if he does show up he'll be more concerned by the fire monster than anything I can do. Elethandiel: Can I have those magic arrows now? Steward: Um.... Lamech: Yes, we know they're family relics, and Lord Gorstag might be a bit upset if you hand them out, but wouldn't you prefer to still have a manor house in the morning? We get everybody organised - buckets and cauldrons of water on the roof, an aspergillum holy water sprinkler from the shrine, and magical haversacks filled to the brim with well water. And a few prayers to the evil God of storms, because a torrential rainstorm right now would be appreciated. Since we don't have any air support with us, the plan is to snipe at them with Rays of Frost, Magic Missiles, enchanted arrows and the like, targeting the Magmins first (since they'll scatter and start spot fires if they reach the house) and pouring water from the capacious Haversacks, holy water, and soup onto their heads if they do reach the building. Kavorog's Bullywug concubine will hide in the garden pond, no doubt jumping out to hit them with a banjo if they approach. Lamech: At least they're easy to target at night... You know, it's only just occurred to me that they might be a distraction. Elethandiel: .... F**k. Worse, the big elemental is much faster than we expected, and soon becomes a much more urgent problem than the four lava creatures. Lamech: You know, maybe we should have stood waist deep in the pond and sniped at them from there. And then we learn that Magmins explode if killed. Very bad if you're in hand-to-hand. We do take them down, but Kavorog has been so hideously burned he's near death. GM: The lights are out, the NPCs run out of the manor to help. Lamech: All the lights apart from the burning dragonborn anyway. Kavorog miraculously recovers overnight. Lamech: Lizards molt, don't they? Kavorog: I think I had some divine intervention. Lamech: Storm God finally showed up, did he? Or was it Smokey the Bear? Kavorog: I think it was the household ghost.... He said he'd be in touch. Apparently nobody took advantage of the chaos to sneak into the manor - or if they did, they or the servants are good enough to cover the tracks. Still, we claim our rewards for saving the building. GM: And there were all those +1 magic arrows they had. Because they like to go hunting. Lamech: Very sportsman-like. GM: Well, they WERE hunting in the Cryptgarden Woods. Kerak: At least Bullywugs aren't very intelligent. Lamech: They were intelligent enough to con us into killing an undead troll and a shambling mound for them. Kavorog: I think I was visited by the manor-house ghost. He was another dragonborn. Lamech: We don't want to hear about your dreams, we know all about your predilections. Kavorog: It wasn't sexual, goodness gracious, what do you take me for? Lamech: * long withering look* Kavorog: * shit-eating grin* Resurrected Dragonborn: Where am I? Kavorog: You're in safe hands. Lamech: This is not an excuse for a Hurt/Comfort slashfic! Lamech: Well, your commander made it to safety, we closed that Shadowgate, killed the shadows (probably), and that banshee isn't after you anymore, so Yay! Go you! But we do have a problem with evil elemental cultists dicing lava Elementals on innocent manor-houses. Resurrected Dragonborn: Whu? Lamech: The big blue stud here will explain everything * points thumb at Kavorog* Kerak: Big blue stud? Lamech: Lamech Judocus - Shipper. Kerak: Cargo Shipper, no less. Apparently the other dimension is very much big on civilisation, so the Druids and barbarian dragonborn in this reality disturb him a little. Kavorog: The dragonborn here are... Lamech: Very big on leather and straps. Kerak: And woolly underwear because they promised their mothers they'd wrap up warm. A group of individuals in very bad squirrel suits step out and form up across the road. Lamech: Hey peeps. You'd better have a really good reason for stopping us. Lamech's Player: Blacklair's on 19, Urlon on 20... Kavorog, what are you on? Kavorog: Third Base. The group of humanoid sugar gliders all cast Thunderwave on us. Al: F**k! We survive. The party horses aren't so lucky. Lamech's Himalayan Mastiff is however fine, and frothing mad. Urlon: I start laughing when I hit the ground - because I've just realised that Kavorog stopped far enough back to be out of range of the Thunderwaves. Lamech: Those guys are SCREWED. Kavorog: Do they look reasonably Mooky? GM: They're guys in squirrel suits. Kavorog: Kremit? Get the knives. * casts mass Sleep and charges in to brutalise the squirrel cultists.* Kavorog: My Bullywug and I are LETHAL on the battlefield - I thump them and he uses flank and backstab to finish them off. Lamech: * wielding the Spider Staff* And YOU can have some spiders! And YOU can have some spiders! And YOU can have some spiders! Lamech follows up with a fireball. Which he hasn't cast before. And is a 20ft radius sphere. Cast at near-point-blank range. This catches the entire party. Kavorog: Not again!!!! Lamech: Sorry! The surviving squirrel cultists fly off at speed. They don't far. GM: Obviously you're loony fire cultists. Nobody else would cast fireball as a combat reaction. Kerak: In close combat Lamech: I said I was sorry! Lamech: Maybe we SHOULD have let one get away - so they could tell their superiors they were attacked by loony fire cultists. GM: At least you get some flying suits from the bodies. So you can visit the Plane of Air and go on adventures with your buddies the Aarokokra. Lamech: Whee! Although they are a bit singed. GM: Kremit is right behind you, Kavorog. Lamech: Actually, among the amphibians only amphisbaenans have intromittant organs. So it has to be a strap-on. All: ... We're all exhausted, and everybody but Kremit, Lamech, and his dog burnt. GM: You're all buggered. Lamech: I thought Kremit was the one getting buggered. GM: * death-glare* Kavorog: I haven't actually got him into my bed! ...... Yet. GM: * headdesk* Kavorog is somewhat phobic about fire now, to no-one's surprise. Kavorog: I'm going to have a nice long warm bath. Kerak and Lamech, simultaneously: With the Bullywug? Kavorog: * rolls eyes* Kerak: Hey, you're the one that called him your concubine. The next village confirms that His Nibs and a local priestess of the 1% passed through, to investigate the disappearance of that diplomatic party. They haven't come back, but given some of their party was on foot that isn't surprising. Still, the inn will give us some horses to replace the ones that are still burning beside the road where we hit the flying squirrel cult. GM: The villagers don't know where to look - there's a gnome, a char-grilled blue dragonborn, his 'man' the slimy toad-thing - Lamech: He's not slimy, he's pre-lubed. Al: ... Kavorog OoC: That was bad. Lamech: You started it. Aarokokra: What kind of lunatic uses Fireball as an Attack of Opportunity? Lamech: * runs in circles cackling and takes a deep draw on his Wacky Baccy* Urlon: He's what we call a Wild Sorcerer.

The Black Crusade game had to fold, because I'm too stressed and overworked to concentrate as a GM. So we're playing boardgames and cardgames - this week it was Smash Up, where the players each choose a themed deck - Zombies, or Dinosaurs, say - and battle it out for control of locations such as R'lyeh or The Cave of Shinies. Innsmouth Pirates was quite a powerful combo. So was Alien Wizards, and Mad Science Robots. But last session it was Flash Point, a co-operative boardgame where the players are fire fighters striving to get a fire under control, and evacuate victims before the whole building goes up. Rather fun, and quite tense, given how rapidly a small fire could explode into an inferno. The single-story residential boards were hard enough - we took one look at the chemical factory and multi-storey apartment boards and whimpered. Generalist Drhoz: Why are there so many women hiding under one bed? Paramedic Tigris: And why are you wearing a clown costume? Generalist Drhoz: Ah - that explains it. The menfolk are all enjoying their poker game and the cheap cigars that keep reigniting, and their wives all retired to the bedroom > Generalist Drhoz: What kind of moron keeps large quantities of hazardous materials in their bedroom? Fire Chief Weldun: Fucking college students. Fire Chief Weldun: Well, now we know those points of interest are actually people, and we have to save them. Generalist Drhoz: * shrug* They're only college students. Generalist Drhoz: So I got somebody out then? Fire Chief Weldun: Nah - I took them off your shoulder. I'm a prick of a Fire Chief that way - the news crews always see ME carrying people out of the burning building

The team continue to investigate the break-in at the InfoComp datafarm, and hopefully hunt down the Six Teens and get a bit of retribution in. The party includes Hardlight, the Anthropomorphic Personification of Foot In Mouth Disease; and Hero Shrew, an unholy mix of a Womble and the Hulk. An idea of some of the gangs in Edge City - the motorcycle gang that expects initiates to rob top-floor stores in the malls, without getting off their bikes. GM: Picture a bunch of mad motorcycle nuts who saw The Blues Brothers and said "Pussies". Hero Shrew's boss at the Collar Club, the strip joint he bounces for - Colin The Collie. Colin struggles to keep the business legal and above-board. Hero Shrew OoC: "I'm 18 in dog years!" But the existence of Moreaus does raise many legal questions. Hero Shrew OoC: Legal questions like 'Is it statutory rape if you're a ferret?' Hardlight: Oh, come on! Hero Shrew OoC: No, seriously - if ferret jills don't mate on their first heat, they die of anemia and internal bleeding. Hardlight: Jesus. GM: Yeah, lots of unique problems like that - hence questions like 'Is it statutory rape if you're a ferret?' Hero Shrew: I don't get it - why they'd all wail on Hardlight when he yelled 'Armour Piercing Bitch Slap'? Plenty of bitches in my apartment block. And then there my landlady - she's a cow. Flux: ... The Moreau world is weird. The cops arrive, two of them in the Edge City PD power armour. GM: Most of the gangers call them Spambots. Flux: ? GM: Tinned ham. Flux and Hardlight leave in a hurry, embarrassed by our pathetic first efforts and anxious to avoid the press. Since we made no contingency plans in case this happened, Fireflash goes to talk to the cops. Hero Shrew: Well, I've been told repeatedly that running away attracts police attention. So I'm wandering over for a look. Flux: * facepalm* Hardlight: I KNEW I should have made some communicators. GM: I hate running the Avengers origin plot - so I'm going to enjoy punishing you for every way you f**k up. GM: The cops generally shoot first if you're Walking Whilst Moreau. Hero Shrew OoC: 'Driving Whilst Furry' GM: Fortunately they don't recognise you as the Anthropomorphic Wrecking Ball. Hero Shrew: If I'd run they definitely would have shot me. GM: Which would have just pissed you off. Hero Shrew: Yeah. It's what happens AFTER that gets all the complaints. And having to call in cherry-pickers to get cops down off the towers. Fireflash: I was here with that new guy. Headlight, or something? Cop: Headlight? Really? Headline, maybe? Fireflash: Hardlight, that's it. (I still haven't unblocked him on Facebook, by the way) The cops are sceptical that it was the Six Teens - up until tonight they only targeted places like The Gap, or Starbucks if they wanted coffee. Cop: And what happened next? Hero Shrew: Headlight called one of them a bitch and she punched him unconscious. Cop: Which one? Hero Shrew: * gesturing* You know, the one with the knockers. GM: She's only a B-cup at best. Hero Shrew OoC: Big for a shrew. Cop: Where can I find you if I have more questions? Hero Shrew: Well, if it's night shift I'll be on the door at the Collar Club. Cop: ... I'll be sending a rookie then. Hero Shrew: Huh? We get cops coming in all the time! GM: .... You are so lucky the news crew didn't have their cameras set up yet. GM: One of the mysteries about the Moreaus is the question of what Genesys was up to? What were all the Moreaus FOR? Hero Shrew: Live-action Zootopia? Still, at least the cops now know the Six Teens are vulnerable to Flashbangs. Back to the 'base'. The empty building next to LowellTech. Fireflash: Hey, Headlight! Hardlight: Huh? Fireflash: Come here. Hardlight: * approaches nervously* Fireflash: * grabs Hardlight by throat and blasts him in the face* Hardlight: * screams* Fireflash: If you EVER call yell bitchslap again, next time it won't be a flash blast! Fireflash is not impressed about how our first outing went. Flux: Well, there were a lot of distractions. Fireflash: You better not be talking about my butt. Hero Shrew: * chewing on a mealworm bar, and turning to study the butt in question* GM: You DO work in a strip club. Hero Shrew: * shrug* The butt is at eye level - it's not easy to miss. Flux: He's judging in a purely professional manner. Flux wants Hero Shrew to dig a tunnel into the InfoCom server farm, so he can poke around. Flux: But we might break the coolant pipes. GM: You can be careful. Flux: * gestures incredulously at Hero Shrew* GM: And I managed to keep a straight face when I said it. Fireflash: Are we going to do this again? And do we have a REASON to do this again? Hero Shrew: * puts a paw up* I haven't been paid yet. Fireflash: That's a good reason. Hardlight: * sigh* And here was me thinking we'd come together in a spirit of camaraderie. Flux: My spirit of camaraderie vanished about the time I was thrown into a building, pursued by a angry ball of muscle and teeth. Hero Shrew: Huh? I don't remember that. Hardlight: Fine, here you go - 5 grand each. Fireflash: Thanks Mr Lowell. Hardlight: What??? How did yo- Fireflash: Oh come on, this base is right next door to LowellTech. And you went next door to meet someone. And you CHANGED COSTUME. Flux: And you need to improve your data security. Hardlight: I have a job for you. Hero Shrew: Should I tell my parole officer? Fireflash: YES. Flux: You've got a legitimate full-time job with a rich, well-known - Hero Shrew OoC: Pervert. Flux: ... Yessss. I can't fix that yet. Hardlight tries to juggle a press conference with himself in the suit and a holographic projection of himself not wearing the suit pretending to be the real thing. Fireflash: Can I go home now? My mom will be wondering where I am. GM: And your Pathfinder game will be wound up by now. GM: Do any of you check the social media after you get home? Hero Shrew: Don't look at me, he's the net-savvy one. Flux: Some of us might have social lives.... But yes, it's me. The HeroWatch forums are happily dissecting our first outing - interestingly, the fact that the 'warehouse' was an InfoCom data centre is still being kept out of the news. Hero Shrew's tunnel would be pretty conspicuous. GM: Looks like the Mole People are invading again. Cop: I thought they only invaded LA. Flux OoC: * calling up through the concrete floor* Is this Albuquerque? Instead Flux tries to find one of InfoCom fibre optic repeater stations, and use Cyberpathy to infiltrate the server farm's datasphere. Small problem - he didn't bring a torch. GM: The small shit is such a problem for superheroes > Flux discovers that the stolen file is decades of data on known and suspected Moreau movements. Who could possibly be so interested in this decades-old info as to hire the Six Teens to steal it? Fireflash gets an unexpected visitor the next morning - Michael Sanders, of Sanders, Sanders and Sanders, a trio of identical bar-certified CPAs and corporate lawyers. Fireflash's mom looks VERY concerned. Predictably, he's here to represent InfoCom, who want every detail possible on the break-in. Sanders has some odd pauses in his dialogue. Hero Shrew OoC: Let me guess - Triplet Telepathy? GM: .... Worse - legally three people, actually one. Fireflash OoC: It's the Partnership Collective Flux OoC: my god, it's full of lawyers! Flux tries to avoid blabbing about his discoveries over the Facebook page. Flux: We will meet at the place to talk about the thing. Over voice chat. Hardlight: Morning, Scooter. We need to meet up, where we met before. Hero Shrew: uuuuhhh. Flux: Where we were before you went home. Hero Shrew: Oh right, that empty building next to LowellTech. Hardlight: * beats head against desk, then erases Hero Shrews' phone, remotely* It's just as well I own this phone network. Fireflash: What are we calling ourselves? Hero Shrew OoC: League of Regrettable Superheroes? Fireflash: I was thinking Bright Sparks. Flux: I was thinking Ramshackle. Hero Shrew: Nah, that's the Gimp in the Collar Club basement. Flux: ... Scooter, you an endless font of fascinating information. One bit of fascinating information - by staging their heist in the suburb of Ditko, the Six Teens will have pissed of the Dysprosium Dawn gang. GM: So somebody must have got a cut. Or if not, someone is going to GET cut. Dysprosium Dawn use two-handed wrenches as weapons. Hero Shrew: Cute - I look forward to one of them trying to use one on me. Hero Shrew: So, want we should should split up and find one? Fireflash: Yes, let's split up. We can do more damage that way. Hero Shrew finds one first. Hero Shrew: Hey, asshole! I wanna word with you! DD Ganger: Wonderful! A Moreau! Quick, put this colander on your head. Hero Shrew: Uh, what? * chain of thought completely derailed* DD Ganger: * uses the Mad Science colander to drain the shrew's EGO* Hero Shrew: Duuhhhhhh. Hero Shrew thus learns that Dysprosium Dawn is a gang of mad scientists, where gang standing relies on what you invented this week. The others arrive to find him looking confused, and still wearing the colander. DD Ganger: Are you still here? Hardlight: Goddammit. * grabs the ganger by the throat, and slams him against the wall* Fireflash, talk to him. Dysprosium Dawn were supposed to be providing security for the data store, and are a bit pissed off with the Six Teens, not least because they didn't get paid to look the other way. But they're also too busy with their inventions to hunt them down and get their slice. And their own literal bouncer just showed up to urge us to move on. Hero Shrew: Hey! I'm a bouncer too! Fireflash: Then bounce him. Hero Shrew: OK. * grabs at the bouncing cyborg, misses* Hardlight: * sigh* OK, what do you want in return for the help? DD Ganger: FINALLY. You see, Juice, this is why we like having you around, people negotiate when you show u- Hero Shrew: * still trying to grab Juice* DD Ganger: I know where they'll be doing to the hand-off. I'll tell you - if I get to copy their data. Heyyyy, I get it now - these guys, the Moreaus. You, how much can you lift? Hero Shrew: Er, 25 tons? DD Ganger: Yeah, 'xactly. How'd Genesys manage to keep you locked up for x number of years? And think about all the other Moreaus. And they all got out at once? Inside job, obviously. But how'd they get away with it? Anyway, the Six Teens - they keep going to a top floor flop in the Zoo. Little bird told me. But if they have the data, I want a copy. Deal? We agree - not that we have much choice. The Six Teens are already in the Zoo, in the Agora, actually buying lunch instead of stealing it, and a very short walk from the flop. Hardlight is tempted to call the cops - but the inevitable arrival of power-armoured cops into a crowded marketplace is a disaster waiting to happen. Hero Shrew: Can I find a spot underneath where they're eating? GM: You go way now! You no allowed in china shop! Hero Shrew: * shrug* I was going to punch up through the ceiling, grab Black Warlock's legs, and rip them off. Flux also notes a strange info stream running between Hardlight's holographic armour and Iron Claw's superhuman limb. This is probably foreshadowing of some dark secret in Hardlight's ancestry, given the Iron Claw identify has been around since the 30s. It also streams off to somewhere in the North Marina. Also odd - a high proportion of the Zoo's canine Moreaus keep walking past the Six Teens. Something Is Up. Hero Shrew tries to follow them, to see if they're heading to the same flop. He's soon noticed. Doberman: You're the bouncer at the Collar Club, aren't you? Hey, Champ still works at the club, don't she? Hero Shrew: Yeah? Sweeeet girl. Doberman: Yeah, she is, isn't she. Could you do me a favour? I've been hearing this rumour. Hero Shrew: Yeah, they're real. Doberman: Well, I know THAT. Who'd put implants in a Moreau? ... Well, this is California. The Doberman convinces Scooter that some human has been stalking the fluffy-tailed girls that work at the Collar Club, and Scooter is gullible enough that he's halfway back to the club before Hardlight can catch up with him. Hardlight: What's up? Hero Shrew: Some Goddamn monkey furvert is stalking the girls at the club! Hardlight: Wait, what? What's that got to do with the Six Teens? Hero Shrew: ......... GODDAMMIT. And by the time we get back, the canines and the Six Teens are already heading in for their meeting.... GM: I warn you it will be a game with investigation, and only one of you has an investigator skillset. And it’s not the brilliant teen with the accountancy skills. Or the super-hacker. Or the genius inventor. Hero Shrew OoC: It’s me – the illiterate legbreaker. Hero Shrew’s player: Aaarrrrraaaamis…. Aramis: Whenever you say my name in that tone of voice, I wonder if I’ve done something wrong. Hero Shrew’s player: That’s deliberate – you usually have. GM: And this is the springbok Colin the Collie pays money to every month. He likes his kneecaps intact. Hero Shrew: Do collies even have kneecaps? GM: Well he’s digitigrade… Hero Shrew: He likes his legs to bend where they already do. GM: Moreaus are a bit distrusting of doctors, injections, and anything like that Hero Shrew: Dogcatcher vans… GM: Well, consider why they call their marketplace the Agora. Hero Shrew: ? GM: The alternative was Flea Market. Weldun, our GM, has been stockpiling art to represent NPCs and localities. GM: And this was the previous owner of the Collar Club. Hero Shrew: Ah, Fat Cat! Hardlight: And if you called him that he’d eat you. Hero Shrew: If he could catch me. GM: He had people for that. That’s why the Collar Club got its name. All the ‘staff’ had collars. Formerly patrons got to hire a leash. These days patrons don’t get to molest the staff without permission. Those that try soon regret it. GM: And that’s why Colin hired Hero Shrew. ‘Just stand there, and make sure nobody double-parks’. “Uh, wotcha want me to do with the cars that do double-park?’” “Stack them over there. Attention, the arsehole with the blue Prius – your car is now on the stack.” Flux: I feel sorry for the people that get in early. GM: Yup – their cars end up on the bottom of the stack. Hardlight: How do you feel about a minivan? Fireflash: They’re good enough – Hardlight: Good, I- Fireflash: - for target practise. Hardlight: * sag* Flux: You two can fly, I can teleport, he can jump – they’re called movement powers for a reason. Hardlight: We need some kind of transport! Hero Shrew: Yeah, we gotta have some kind of toy to sell. Hardlight signals Fireflash to launch her snatch attempts on the stolen data. She gets Hero Shrew to do a Mr Kool-aid on the flop wall. He goes through it no worries, and is stopped dead by Iron Claw’s energy dome. Evidently they heard his pattering footsteps on the run up. Titania was already braced too, in case the shrew DID smash through both. And one of the canines yelps something about “Crap, it’s that Steiner” and lobs a flash grenade at us even as Fireflash flashes them back. Hero Shrew OoC: Any tactic that’s good enough for us to use against them is good enough for them to use against us. Fireflash: True. Hero Shrew: And what the hell is a Steiner? Hardlight: No idea. Hardlight: * blinded by the grenade* Now what would Green Lantern do? Hero Shrew OoC: Try to recreate Coast City? Canine: * attempting to intimidate Hero Shrew with a handgun* Back down, Steiner! This works about as well as expected, given that even ordinary shrews cannot by intimidated by anything sort of nuclear weapons. Hero Screw retaliates to the threat by throwing a few hundred pounds of concrete at the Bull Terrier. Hardlight summons up a holographic chainsaw and tries to cut open the force dome. Hardlight: … I can’t think of anything chainsaw-related to call the attack. Hero Shrew OoC: Chainsaw Enema? Fireflash: ‘Groovy’? Hardlight: Screw it, I’ll come up with a one-liner afterwards. Hardlight’s energy construct reacts spectacularly with Iron Claw’s and the dome collapses. Iron Claw: Sonnuva... we don’t have it, alright! We now realise that two of the canines aren’t visible – a Jack Russell terrier and the Alsatian Hero Shrew was conned by earlier. The terrier leapt clear off the roof, and landed without harm. Fireflash goes after the Jack Russell, and gets shot in the back by the Doberman. Doberman: Forget the Steiner, protect the package! Also, a news blimp is filming and broadcasting our fight. Flux: OK, they’re teleporting out, but they don’t have the data… Hero Shrew OoC: I’ve probably forgotten why we’re even here. Hardlight: I can’t yank Iron Claw’s claw off… GM: Hell no. Flux: You could always cut his arm off. GM: On live TV, no less. Be my guest. Flux blasts the Doberman off the roof. Flux: Hey look! We’re on TV! Hardlight: There goes my idea of a covert superteam… We spot the Alsatian breaking from his hiding place, talking urgently into his watch. Alsatian: Control! Enhanced Intercept! Terminate Rover Four! Repeat, Terminate Rover Four! The Jack Russell gets carbonised. The Six Teens teleport away. The Doberman is still falling. Hero Shrew is looking around for something to hit. Fireflash: Scumbag! I really don’t like you. * FUSION BLAST* Alsatian: * DIVE FOR COVER! – off roof, and into the wall of the taller building opposite.* Flux uses the conductive metal of the aerials and drainpipes to teleport himself down to intercept the falling Doberman. He materialises in someone’s kitchen by mistake when he confuses a drainpipe with a water pipe. Bull Terrier: Shitshitshitshit! * shoots out a power distributer* Sparks, flames and the pole fire cover his escape. Or would, if he didn’t have flyers, teleporters, and an enraged shrew on his tail, especially with Hardlight to enclose the fire in an energy bubble. And we recovered the data-drive – maybe – so even though the news blimp filmed us beating up Moreaus it also showed them shooting at us and destroying property, and things look pretty good for us. Flux: I’m technically wanted for questioning, so bye-bye. Hero Shrew: I’m wanted for questioning all the time, what’s the problem? Fireflash: Wonderful. GM: So yeah, you’re associating with wanted criminals. Hardlight: How did this not come up in my background checks? Flux: Because you’re incompetent, and I’m actually good at what I do. Hardlight: Right, I take their communicators and weapons for evidence, and fit them with muzzles. Holographic muzzles anyway. Their equipment is weird and very high-tech – and their low profile armour so low profile we don’t even spot it as we search their unconscious bodies. Hero Shrew DOES try to shake the Alsatian awake, to ask him about the pervert stalking the strippers. Hero Shrew: Hey. HEY! Wake up! Power-armoured Cop: Put him down before you break his neck! Hero Shrew: He said some pervert was after the girls! Power-armoured Cop: So? When aren’t they? Fireflash: He was probably lying. Hero Shrew: … Oh. The canine Moreaus had already prepared four escape routes into the utility tunnels – each booby-trapped to prevent pursuit. This is all evidence that the canines were being run by somebody with high levels of resources and competency. And speaking of evidence, Flux took the data-core with him when he left. He soon determines that it’s not just Moreau tracking data, but that InfoComp investigated their client and discovered behind many shell companies, the remnants of the Genesys Corporation. InfoComp promptly ended the investigation – they don’t want to be working for wanted criminals. Genesys were after the location of their creations, their Moreaus, and especially any likely hidden communities and villages. There are probably communities in the Rockies, the Sierra Madres, and in the Pacific and scattered through Central America. Hardlight: How did they even find them? Hero Shrew: ‘Dashboard Cam Catches Unholy Hybrid of Alien Big Cat and Sasquatch in the Rockies’ We get news via Facebook that the canines escaped – they deployed their low-profile armour, sprouted retractable vibro-claws, and were filmed from news blimp legging it in disturbingly biological-looking armour. Another is of a robbery of a jewellery store by a reptilian creature. Hardlight: It’s wearing a leather jacket. GM: Yup. It’s also made from chicken DNA. Which just made more people ask ‘What the fuck were Genesys doing????’ This happened in Las Vegas. Flux: Well, we’re not going there. Hero Shrew: We wouldn’t fit in. GM: Hardlight is a millionaire philanthropist. Hero Shrew: He’ll fit RIGHT in. He’d be getting complimentary hotel rooms. GM: And if they ever find out what Flux can do he’d be banned for life. Flux: So… Hardlight. How did you get your powers? Hardlight: That’s a story for another issue. Fireflash: I think he’s asking for a reason. Hardlight explains his backstory, and how he used a weird crystal he chanced upon to power his father’s experimental hologram suit. After the crystal melded into his flesh and fused with his spine. Flux suspects something similar happened to Iron Claw, given the way the two’s info streams interacted with each other. Flux: When you were near Mr Grumpy Backscratcher – GM: You realise nobody knows who you’re talking about? Flux: The Inspector Gadget reject. Iron Claw. Hardlight: I always thought Iron Claw would be a Moreau. Hero Shrew: Hey! WE can find some resonant frequency thing that will shatter Hardlight’s crystal. Then we can use it on Iron Claw. Hardlight: I’d rather not. I’d like to keep my powers. GM: And your spine. Hero Shrew: He’d be fine, he’s rich. He can afford medical insurance. GM: And a full-body prosthesis.

Doesn't bother me In my campaign, the Great Race of Yith briefly hijacked the MiGo's Gate network as part of their own plan to use the PCs in their complicated time travel shennanigans - they just needed to give them a few nudges in the right direction about how to survive the next decade, and by surviving it, ensure the eventual extinction of Mankind and ascendancy of the Yithian far-future beetle-bodies.

Nice Interesting thing - in the Laundry series, the codename for the Mi-Go is PLUTO KOBOLD - because kobolds were originally mine spirits

Return to Edge City : Recruiting The Team Edge City's newest superheroes, getting together a wildly optimistic plan to deal with the conurbation's many problems. Flux: Techneurge/Cybermage Hardlight: Industrialist, Philanthropist, Secret superhero. Hero Shrew: Anthropomorphic Anger Ball "Shake vigorously, point towards enemy" Fireflash: Flying Energy Projector, who made an unfortunate first public appearance when she escaped from the illegal medical experiments that created her powers. "One of the reporters decided they needed to work 'flash' into her name somehow." Hero Shrew OoC: I'm detecting a theme here - Flux, Hardlight, Fireflash.... And then there's Hero Shrew. GM: One of my previous characters would have conference calls during superhero fights. 'So Gerry, what I think we need to do in the third quarter is - just a minute - I TOLD YOU TO STAY DOWN - anyway, the third quarter.' Hardlight's player: You guys are going to hate me but it will be fun later - I took 'Weirdness Magnet'. Flux's player: I can see it now. 'And who do we blame for all this? This guy.' GM: Hardlight is barely harder to hit than the hex he's standing in. He mostly relies on hitting things at range - but he's crap at that too. Hardlight attempts to recruit a team. GM: So how do you know each other? Hardlight OoC: I hired them? Fireflash OoC: At my age? Hero Shrew OoC: Intern then. Fireflash OoC: Probably not - I had a bad experience with my last internship. GM: That's how she got her powers. Hero Shrew OoC: You needed a team for a particular job? 'Now who do I know in Edge City? There's that one who was on the news the other day - the one with the perky nipples' Flux's player: 'I like her.' 'She's under age.' 'Er, I don't LIKE like her, I like her spunk..... Bad choice of words.' That would be an interesting Disad. GM: Uncontrollable Double Entendre. Sounds like the notorious Smut Field. How would you stat THAT out in Hero? On top of all the corporate and supergang shenanigans, there's Edge City's large population of engineered animals, many of whom have there own superhuman abilities. Never has the term 'rats with capes' been more appropriate. GM: Hero Shrew works as a bouncer at a titty bar in the Zoo. Hero Shrew: And I always need money because of all the criminal damage cases. GM: All kind of girls at the bar - squirrel girls, gazelle girls Hero Shrew: Cat girls. GM: The Zoo is paradise for furries. Flux's player: Am I playing Black Crusade again by mistake? Hero Shrew: For the really adventurous there's hyena girls. GM: There's a photo and note next to the door. "This bouncer can clean lift 25 tonnes" And the photo is Hero Shrew smiling. Fireflash's player: Which with shrews is SCARY. GM: Hardlight's civilian ID is Gareth Lowell, a philanthropist millionaire who actually hires Moreaus. And you've never heard of him. Hero Shrew: *shrug* Outside my usual social circles. Hardlight OoC: You wondered why I was being followed by paparazzi. Flux OoC: Who photographed you going into a titty bar. GM: A FURRY titty bar. Currently trending #LowellTitFur. Hero Shrew gets one of the girls to read the card Gareth Lowell / Hardlight left for him. It takes a few attempts for the number $30,000 to sink in. Hero Shrew: Hey! I can get the door fixed! Bunni: You broke the door again? I keep telling you, you should get a curtain. Flux: I keep expecting him to go home to food pellets and an exercise wheel. Hardlight's attempts to recruit Flux don't go quite so smoothly, especially after Flux sees what is trending on Twitter. GM: Flux, you think you're being propositioned for a swinger's party. Flux: I get spam that's more competent than this. Hardlight: It's my first time out. GM, Fireflash: *cackling* Flux: Let's start again - You're a superhero and you want extra muscle for a job? Or is this 'Can I get your number, baby?' GM: I'm going to make it easy for you - come up with a team name, make a Facebook group, and Invite Fireflash to join it. Fireflash: I'm an underage teenage girl and I'm being asked to join a group by someone named HARDlight? GM: I don't even need to steer this into the gutter. Fireflash: Blocked. Fireflash: Am I the first one you've tried to recruit? Hardlight: No, you're the third. Fireflash: And the first two turned you down? Hardlight: No, actually. Fireflash: Well, you must be doing something right. Hardlight: Actually, I haven't heard back from the first guy yet... Hero Shrew OoC: 'But he didn't throw me out of the titty bar'. Bunni: I'll help you get there, Scooter. Hero Shrew: Thanks, Bunni, I dunno what I'd do without ya. Bunni: Break everything? Hero Shrew: Yeah, probably. Fireflash: *on phone* Hey Nicki, I won't be able to make the game tonight. Sorry. Can you play my cleric for me? Fireflash's costume is on the skimpy side - her enhanced metabolism runs at a dangerously high temperature. Flux: She doesn't even have a boob window. Hardlight: She doesn't need them - she's wearing a bikini. Hero Shrew's Hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold friend makes sure he gets to the meeting on time. GM: There's a bunny girl waiting at the meeting place. Long ears, fluffy tail, the whole deal. Flux: Good feelings. GM: And then there's the ball of fur, muscle, and teeth next to her. Flux: Good feelings all gone. Bunni: Now, Scooter, remember, this is LowellTech. Don't forget to give them the card. Hero Shrew: Oh yeah. *starts patting pockets* Uh... Bunni: *sigh* I've got it, remember? *pulls card from cleavage* Hero Shrew: Oh, right, I remember now. Bunni: And remember what I said about getting home. Stick to the main roads. If you go into any alleyways you'll have to hurt someone again. Hero Shrew: Yeah, that happens a lot, dunnit? See ya tomorrow Bunni. Bunni: *kisses the shrew's cheek* Hardlight realises he's arranged for everybody to arrive at the same time. Hardlight: I have made a boo-boo. Quick everybody, get inside. Fireflash: Hey! Watch it with the hands! Flux: This guy is a social media disaster. 'Edge City Philanthropist Seen With Teenager, Manimal, and ... Cameraman?' Hardlight is also unaware that Flux and Fireflash have already figured out his secret identity. This bodes ill for future supervillain revenge schemes. Ill for Hardlight - it bodes great for any villain with half a brain. Fireflash: Who are you? Flux: Flux. Don't you read the Facebook group? Fireflash: No - I blocked him after I though he was a creep. Flux: Nah, he was like that with me too. Well, he MIGHT be a grabber, he's rich. Hardlight changes back into his civilian garb and heads out front to meet Hero Shrew. Hardlight/Gareth Lowell: Mr Shrew, good to see you, mate! Er... Mate? GM: Aaaaaand three for three. Apparently he wants to breed with you. Moreau Employee: He means 'Friend' Hardlight creates a few hologram sofas for his team to sit on. Hardlight: So let's get into it. Fireflash: Into what? Because I don't want any orgies. Hardlight: Superheroics! Not orgies! Truth, Justice, and the American goddamned Way! Hero Shrew: Will this count as community service? Hardlight: I'm prepared to pay you all a salary. Fireflash: I can't do weekdays - I'm not willing to give up school. Flux: It'll be like a weekend knitting club. Fireflash: So what do you do? Hero Shrew: Er... bounce stuff? Demolish buildings? Fireflash: So you're big and strong? Well, small and strong. Hero Shrew: Yeah. Fireflash: And you? Flux: Florist. Fireflash: What about you? That suit do anything? Hardlight: You're sitting on what I can do.... Oh god. Flux: *slow clap* GM: New Rule - Hardlight is never allowed to talk to the press. Flux: Also, Hero Shrew is not flammable but smells bad when wet. Hardlight does not, in fact, have a job in mind right now. Hardlight: ... I just wanted to set up the knitting club. Flux: I WILL re-edit your Facebook page. GM: Not difficult. Flux: The threat is real. Fireflash: If you are up to something that makes my friends think I'm in a knitting club I will re-edit your face. But Flux IS aware of something suspicious. Somebody has been testing security alarms and response times over in the light industrial suburb of Ditko. Flux weaves a spell that makes us invisible to cameras, so we can stake the suburb out. Flux: Don't try to take any selfies. Flux is right - the heist is being planned by the Six Teens, one of Edge City's more notorious supervillain groups. Titania, Lash, Iron Claw, Black Warlock, Viper Girl and Ghost Shadow. GM: But you can only see 5 of them. 'I can't see the ninja - oh crap'. Lash is carrying the Iron Claw in one of her energy tendrils, and walking on another four. Hardlight: Is he injured? GM: No - it's just faster this way. They walk up to a storage warehouse and Iron Claw starts tearing off a wall. Fireflash: These are the guys we're here to stop, right? Flux: No, they're Girl Scouts delivering cookies. Hero Shrew starts looking around for things to use as blunt instruments. GM: There's plenty of options - it's an industrial estate. Hero Shrew: Dumpsters, forklifts... Hardlight: Stop, in the name of Justice! Lash: *has already turned to catch the dumpster Hero Shrew has already thrown* Hardlight: .... Huh. Fireflash: Seriously? Hardlight, do you have any idea of the concept of a surprise attack? GM: There's a reason you can only see five of them Hero Shrew: Crap. The Ninja is doing Overwatch for them. Flux: Ninja? What Ninja? I can't see any ninjas. Hero Shrew OoC: Worse, there's only one Ninja - we're screwed. GM: True - Ninjitsu has been conserved. Lash: Seriously? A Dumpster? Titania: Wow. Well then. This is a thing. Any bookie would give our team poor odds in the fight - the Six Teens badly outclass us. But we get very lucky - Fireflash blasts them with a dazzling attack, which actually gets them all, and we discover Lash has 360 vision and no flash defence. Flux: We have discovered a weakness > Lash: See? This is why I keep saying we need goggles. Ghost Shadow: Ah, two can play at that game. *blinds Fireflash with Shadow Powder* Fireflash: Argh, Jesus, that burns! Asshole! Their leader, Titania, runs through a wall to set up some later move out of our sight. Hardlight: Hammer of JUSTICE!!!!! Hero Shrew OoC: You don't have to announce your attacks, you know. Hardlight: Yes I do. GM: He took the Disad Hardlight manages to hit himself with his own hologrammic Hammer of Justice. And Hero Shrew's gets the dumpster back in the face. GM: *sings* Return, to Sender. Hardlight: ARMOUR-PIERCING BITCH SLAP! Flux: .... Hardlight: Yes, I call it that. Flux: Suddenly I wish the concealment spell was still up. Fireflash: We are going to have words later. GM: Viper Girl is up, and she's not happy. That hurt. Hero Shrew OoC: And somebody just yelled BITCH SLAP. GM: And that too. Iron Claw, still dazzled, finally tears his way through the solid metal slab reinforcing the inner wall of the 'storage warehouse'. Iron Claw: Finally!... Am I through yet? Lash lashes away, and Titania re-emerges to lay down her own hurt, orders her team to cover Iron Claw's entrance into the 'warehouse', and gets an enraged Shrew wielding a street-sign in the face. Hero Shrew: CAPTAIN CAAAAAAAAVVVVEMAAAAN!!!!!! Lash takes a particular interest in attacking Hardlight. Lash: Sorry, What *LASH* Did *LASH* You *LASH* Call *LASH* Me? Fireflash: And he deserves it. Titania's tactical analysis is spot-on. Flux, for example, has no obvious powers, and she's cautious enough to avoid hand-to-hand with an unknown. Titania: The skinny ones tend to be tricky *punches the ground so hard that the rebounding turf slaps Flux three stories into the air* And then Black Warlock mind-controls Hero Shrew into attacking the rest of the knitting circle. Titania: Hi there. You'd better stay down. *punches Hardlight the rest of the way into unconsciousness* GM: And now that she's the only one visible, Fireflash knows that the Anger Ball is coming for her. Fireflash: *runs away* Titania: Smart girl. Viper Girl: I'm bored. *fires energy beams at Flux's crotch and singes off his short-and-curlies* GM: I think that counts as a Presence Attack. Titania: *grabs Flux by a leg, and flings him a few blocks* Fetch. *Hero Shrew heads off after Flux, who barely avoids the shrews's attack* Flux: I think the screaming and flailing helped. Titania: We're here to work, not play. Black Warlock: She's got a point, sweetie. I'll steal you something nice later. The Six Teens teleport out with whatever they were after, and we at least learn that the 'warehouse' was full of InfoComp server stacks. InfoComp specialise in data-mining and info-brokering. This is probably bad, but at least we learned how focused and co-ordinated the Six Teens are, and suspect they were hired for the job. Hero Shrew OoC: And we've learned that Hardlight's biggest power is putting his foot in his own mouth.

Black Crusade : The Four of Mandatio En route to the dripping ruins of Sacgrave, party psyker Skerrit comes back from whatever has been keeping him busy. Skerrit's player: Hey, Eniek - Feel free to modify my character sheet - since you've been experimenting on me in my sleep. Digna: I've been experimenting on you in your sleep too. Digna doses him with that nanotech drug Jrska gave her, to see what happens. Skerrit: Am I going to to have to rename myself Lab Rat? Digna: Sure - it's what I've been using you as. He goes into convulsions as metallic pimples sprout from his flesh and unfold into USB ports and the like, and some 30% of his brain is converted into mechanics. This is good for his intelligence, but bad for his willpower, and more so because it's highly addictive. Skerrit: WHAT WAS THAT. GIVE ME MORE. I NEED MORE. Digna: Well, that's a pity, because I don't have any more. Which is a lie, since she has at least seven more doses, after the three she injected into Skerrit. Skerrit rushes off to the bridge and demands the ship go wherever he can get more of The Stuff - despite not knowing what the stuff is or where Digna got it. He eventually gets talked down and sent to the medical officer. GM: You, I presume? Digna: No, Eniek - Unlike certain other people, I can share my toys. Eniek: You seem to be having some problems. Skerrit: Problems? Problems? I don't have any problems! I FEEL GREAT!!!! Digna also sets down to craft that daemon weapon she wanted, out of the blood of a thousand men. Daniels: Dedicating it to Khorne? Digna: Nah, Slaneesh. Think about it - I took the blood from a thousand men and threw the rest away. GM: That is pretty Excessive. GM: Congratulations - you have a Daemonette in the summoning circle. Who is currently doing things to hirself. Digna: Rightio then - in you get. *grabs and stuffs hir into the sword* Eniek: And now for the Binding ritual. GM: Well, it's a Slaneesh daemon - they enjoy bondage. The blood-iron has six obsidian gems in the guard. Digna: The sword also has the Daniels family crest on the pommel. GM: Oh, she's going to LOVE that whenever she gets free. Somebody else's symbol of ownership? Digna: Hey, she got a tramp stamp. GM: What kind of sword is it? Digna: The kind made from poor-quality iron and one thousand years of an OUTSTANDING PR campaign. Digna: This sword is a giant 'Fuck You' to Khorne. Their chosen destination is Sacgrave, a basalt wilderness where it rains all the time. Skerrit: It's just like home. The hereteks head down in their Halo Barge, landing near the Weeping Hall markets. GM: The locals certainly noticed your arrival - not least because the barge actually blocked out the rain for a while. Digna: You're welcome. Digna: My mesh-weave armour is half-weight - that's less than half a kilo. Imagine how diaphanous we're talking about. GM: But is it see-through in the rain? Digna: It's a market! Think of the shoes! Instead she buys a rare copy of an Inquisitorial handbook on the behaviour of chaos cults. Trader: As you can see we had it rebound in the Inquisitor's skin. Digna: Classy. But isn't human skin too thin to make good leather? Trader: That's OK, we sewed it together with his acolytes' skin as backing. Do you like what we did with his devotional tattoos? Eniek: The Lara Croft School of Archaeology - take one item, destroy the rest. Eniek expresses an interest in buying treasure maps. ALL the treasure maps. GM: You're promptly swamped by traders, waving treasure maps in your face. You can even see people down the back hurriedly forging some more. Eniek: I'm not stupid, and I'm not taking those, as is indicated by the first seller that gets cut in half. Eniek: I'm going to pick up some slaves. Digna: We don't need porters, we've got my Adsecularii. Eniek: These are more for throwing at things that might be cursed. Digna: ... Thank you. Eniek and Digna also want to buy some beasts for further experimentation with fleshcrafting - but they have to be free of any Chaotic taint. The only mutation-free ones currently for sale are, bizarrely, camels. Crazy Hassan: Welcome, welcome newandvaluedcustomers, welcome to Crazy Hassan's Used Camels! I have many fine camels. See, here are amphibious camels! *gestures to a camel wearing flippers and a snorkel* But this is not the camel for you. This, this is the camel for you sir! *leads Skerrit to a camel with dark goggles strapped over it's eyes* Crazy Hassan's Special Peril-sensitive Camel! No? You make me sad. But come again! Crazy Hassan's Bargain Camels! Digna sets up an auction of her remaining space marine geneseed. The merchant is as unpleasantly familiar as could be feared. Obsequious Trader: Milady? *doffs hat* Fortunately, a threat to peel his face off his skull if he touches her again puts him back into line. And while the auction is arranged, the party head off into the chasms and caves of Sacgrave, in pursuit of something the maps refer to as the Golden Phylactery.

Return to Edge City The Pathfinder campaign has collapsed, since Heather's player pulled out, and took Flint and Ewen's players with them. Awkward, since Heather had become the linchpin of the game, and Ewen's player was co-GMing and helping the GM learn the system. Still, it's not all bad - Weldun was feeling like GMing again, and wants a return to Champions, and his Edge City setting. Ten years further into its economic decline (although more Detroit than the town of Flint) and even more troubled by gangs of minor superhumans than it was before. Salazar's player: I'm reminded that one of Satan's titles is 'Lord of All Buggery' - and that there's the phrase 'Get Thee Behind Me, Satan'. Weldun has been spending the last few years making NPCs whenever one occurs to him. Such as the six teenage villains who are alarmingly genre- and media-savvy. Weldun: There's the Iron Claw - Zigg's Player: *snrk* Weldun: You did not just.... Congratulations, you just got a blast to the face from the Iron Claw. You do NOT snicker at his name. Zigg's Player: Duly Noted. Me: So what do they do people who post shipping charts of them? Weldun: Correct them. They're already in three established relationships. Me: That's never stopped a shipper. Weldun: Yes. They correct them. Sometimes they track them down to their homes and 'correct' them in person. Previous GM: I need to be home by midnight. Zigg's Player: Or he turns into a pumpkin. I'll be playing a Moreau - a genetically engineered escapee from a research facility in Edge City, and now part of the ghetto of other Moreaus on the shores of Monterey Bay. To whit, an anthropomorphic Hero Shrew - an actual animal, with a ridiculously robust spine. Spines are a highly conserved anatomical feature, so when an otherwise ordinary shrew has a spine like the one at right... In fact, it was only in 2013 that anybody came up with a reason why Hero Shrews and Thor's Hero Shrew even need such excessive natural engineering - it's to turn them into living prybars. Like all shrews, he's a bubbling ball of incandescent RAGE. Previous GM: "What's his name?" "The Shrew." "He turns into an aggressively Assertive woman?" No, he's literally a giant rodent." Me: Insectivore, thank you very much Zigg's Player: Sexist Previous GM: Aaand that goes right to the quotes

D&D : Batrachian Off to find that gate to the Shadow Realm, and put some police tape across it. Kavorog looks forward to the combat. Kavorog: It slices! It dices! It juliennes zombies! Lamech: I’m going to assume that only creatures with actual intelligence can be turned into Shadows, and that the swamps aren’t swarming with swarms of Shadow-insects? That would be… bad. GM: At least the main threat in the swamps will already have been killed by the Shadows – the loathsome tribes of – well, there are no UN-loathsome tribes of Bullywugs. GM: You can see something sneaking through the bushes. Lamech: Not Shadows then – they’d be drifting right through the bushes. WE CAN SEE YOU, YOU KNOW. GM: *facepalm* It’s bullywugs, waving a spiderweb flag of truce. They’re desperate for help. Of course, we already know that Bullywygs are totally untrustworthy, that they aren't aligned to any deities of this plane, and are probably just waiting to stage the sudden and inevitable betrayal.... but we did kinda think that we could ally to stop the plague of Shadows. We soon learn that they actually want us to deal with the swamp's other monsters, while they dig up the tribe's treasures and hop it. Lamech: You know, I think I met a cousin of yours. In a little seaside town called Innsmouth. The bullywugs lead us to an island occupied by a Shambling Mound of animated plants, fungi and compost, and an undead troll. Lamech: I have no idea what a Shambling Mound is. Still *rolls up sleeves* a few lightning bolts will solve the problem, right? GM: This is hideous – your genuine Charisma 3 specimen. Lamech, who had been riding on Kavorog’s shoulder so he didn’t have to wade through swamp deeper than him, promptly falls off. GM: You’re eye-deep in rancid swampwater. Lamech: That’s not necessarily a bad thing – unless I get stepped on. The shambling mound gets going only after the skeletal troll is destroyed, and Kavorog badly injured. Lamech: Makes sense - It’s attracted to the blood and bone. Kavorog gets engulfed by the carnivorous compost heap. Urlon: Does Kavorog have a small weapon? Lamech: Depends who you talk to. GM: Kavorog is having an encounter with morning wood – but not the kind he enjoys. Lamech eventually realises that an Enlarged Kavorog can’t be engulfed. Or for that matter a Reduced Mound would be just as useful. GM: It shrinks and go WIBBLEWIBBLEWHEEEEE. And summons Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men. Lamech: WHEE-oo, WHHEEE-OOOOO Lamech: If the bullywugs get killed, they’ll croak XD GM: The Shadows had already killed the bullywug bard with the banjo. Lamech scrambles up a tree to snipe at the fleeing mound, and to his surprise his spells cause a few unexpected yelps – that’s because the bullywugs are taking the opportunity to hop it with all the treasure they promised us. Lamech: Can I see them? GM: Yes, but they have cover. Lamech: Doesn’t matter. *casts Web* They manage to hop free anyway, but since they don’t seem to be carrying anything really valuable the volley of Sleep spells that get flung after them are a bit half-hearted. GM: They’ve left behind a shrine to one of their disgusting gods. Destroy it! Nobody like bullywugs – not even druids. Still, we do manage to catch most of them, and after convincing them that we aren’t going to kill them anyway, we get to keep the treasure and their translator, Kremit. Lamech: Kremit? Really? Not Kemrit? GM: The tribe leader probably wants to get rid of a rival, so he’s letting you keep their translator. Kavorog: I’ll hug him and pet him and call him George. I got me a Bullywug concubine. Lamech: I’m feeling increasingly fortunate that I have hair instead of scales. Unfortunately no amount of body hair will save the party members that have contracted horrible diseases from the swamp water - the party healer is going to have a busy week. The treasure includes mystery headgear resembling a surf lifesaver’s cap - we later find out that it allows the wearer to breath underwater, which is tactically useful even for Bullywugs. GM: With the bullywug leading you, you reach a cave that resemble nothing more than an arsehole. Kavorog: Are there boulders that look like fingers stacked to either side? GM: No. And you will suffer for that. The Shadow Gate is there, as is the body of a bronze dragonborn who killed himself rather than fall victim to the Shadows. And as we scramble to build a fire before nightfall, a howling banshee on the far side of the gate who seems very upset about the dead dragonborn, or is confusing Kavorog for same. Luckily for us, Kavorog not only resists her Fear attack, but realises he can use the Mend spell to repair the wards around the Shadow Gate. Unfortunately, the delay as everybody else gets over their unthinking terror means we don’t have the fire ready until the banshee has the Gate open. And the sun is setting. GM: You’ll be fine as long as you keep throwing faggots on the fire. Kavorog: … Lamech: No comment. Kavorog’s bullywug is close to panic, and has to reach for unfamiliar words. Kremit: F…friend? Do you want me to Summon Frogs? Lamech: Knock yourself out, kid. GM: Bullywugs like summoning giant frogs – they swallow. Unlike Ice Toads, who spit. Kavorog: You’re giving me ideas. GM: I know. Half the party are brutalised by the Banshee’s howl – Kremit in particular is lucky to survive. And that’s after he passed his saving throw. Kavorog: Let this remind everybody – NEVER PISS OFF AGATHA Our Aarakokra allies finally converge on our position. Urlon: Know anything about banshees? Aarakokra: No? GM: This is probably an aarokokra’s bemused expression, but it’s difficult to tell when your face is a beak. Aarakokra: What’s all that screaming? Is somebody trapped in there? Lamech: It’sabansheetheirsceeamscankillITCAMETHROUGHTHESHADOWGATE. Aarakokra: Gate????? *guano hits the floor* Kavorog pulls the sword from the dragonborn’s body – not to use as a weapon, but to offer as a bribe. Thankfully, this banshee is as greedy for beautiful items as Agatha, and accepts. Kavorog: Don’t forget to lock the Gate as you go! Please? To our great relief, she does, and the Shadows keep away from the fire.

Salazar - Voted Most Likely To Be Carrying A Melon-baller With Intent Heather - Voted Most Likely To Accidentally Kill Her Own Kidnapper Ewen - Voted Most Likely To Be Secret Master Of The World Jurgen - Voted Most Likely To Kill Someone In Cold Blood For No Particular Reason Dirty Franz - Voted Most Likely To Cry If Someone Steals His My Little Pony Collection Flint Firebringer - Voted Most Likely To Sit Back Watch The World Burn Ziggs - Voted Most Likely To Burn The World That's because Ziggs is a goblinoid alchemist, who was acquired by the party this week. Salazar: In Sharsmouth you'll have to keep that Holy Water locked. Lest you damage public property. Ziggs: The dwarves, they dug too deep. Into an aquifer. Heather: 'Ima gonna get the beehive down!' 'Why?' 'Ima gonna get the beehive down! Dirty Franz, help.' *tree goes up in flame* Ziggs: And now the bees are unhappy AND homeless. Heather: And that's how Dirty Frank ruins everything. Or goes in first and makes us all rich. Salazar: There is no middle ground. GM: Anyone want to recap? Dirty Franz OoC: Jurgen bought Heather the Boyfriend Experience and we murdered a family of Orc hippies and their Ogre boyfriend. Heather: Once upon a time we found a goblin Salazar: Who was being 'spit roasted' by bugbears. GM: I just said degraded, YOU people all assumed spit roasted. Ziggs: I don't want to be the goblin who was being spit-roasted! Salazar: Actually there were three of them. Dirty Franz OoC: If Ziggs is a goblin alchemist then no wonder the Orcs were stoned. Ziggs OoC: None of my flasks are labelled. Salazar: What the f**k is that? Ziggs: Annoyed and tied up. Salazar: Is that a Boggle? What the fuck is a Boggle doing down here? Ziggs: Being annoyed and tied up. I thought we already established this. GM: What size are you? Ziggs: Small, of course. Flint: Shorter than the table? Dirty Franz: Bigger than a bread box? Dirty Franz: *helps myself to some mushroom stew* GM: Oh god... Roll Fortitude. Dirty Franz: *11* GM: Your conversations with your MLP figures become much more animated, but no-one else notices. Ewen: God help us when he learns Animate Object. Heather: So you're a Boggle then? Ziggs: So people keep telling me. Heather: Are you a prostitute too, then? Ziggs: ... What? Heather: Every time we find a small green thing ion a cave it's being used for.. Flint: Relaxation purposes. Heather: Yeah, that. Ziggs: Let's start again. I'm Ziggs, I'm a Boggart, I brew potions. Heather: ... Can you do love potions? Ziggs: Theoretically. Heather: Hi! I'm Heather! We're going to be very good friends! And this is - Ziggs: Your consort? Flint: *chokes on his drink* Heather: And that's Dirty Franz. He smells. You might want some cotton to stuff up your nose. Ziggs: I'm an alchemist - we can't smell ANYTHING. Heather: You live a charmed life. Ziggs: If we could milk Franz we'd make a fortune. Salazar: .... Not touching it. Ziggs: It's OK, I have acid-prof gloves. Heather: We're going to go kill stuff. Ziggs: I feel like some reasonable retribution. Heather: You'll find we're pretty unreasonable people. Welcome to the party! Salazar: I need some paralysis bombs. Ziggs: I've got tanglefoot bags. Salazar: Nah, I need paralysis bombs - using a melon-baller on someone can be a pain in the arse if they keep wriggling. Off to the ruins of Cragsmaw Castle. GM: The castle is obviously not of goblin make. Heather: Well, obviously. It's not built from rocks, sticks, and shit. Dirty Franz: Wattle-and-daub is perfectly respectable building technique... Dirty Franz grew up in wattle-and-daub hut. Heather: Good for you, Franz! By the way - you're not allowed to talk about your childhood anymore. Dirty Franz is scratching his beard, looking at the keep, and muttering to himself. Heather: Business as usual then. Right then, if the main door is the only way in - Dirty Franz: Sally port. Heather: What? Dirty Franz: Sally port. Salazar: What about her? Heather: Is this going to be another story about shit? We go over the wall instead, anyway. GM: There's a bit of canvas over the hole you get in through. Dirty Franz OoC: And they're painted a nice brick pattern on it? Ziggs: What a devastatingly effective disguise! Heather: This actually makes me feel like I'm breaking into somebody's home. Salazar: Excuse me? Heather: Oh, just me - I'm not projecting it on the rest of the party. The usual carnage ensues. Salazar: You might want to reload your flintlocks. Flint: Prehensile tail - I reload every round. Ewen: He just holds the gun near his arse. Ziggs: How are you doing that? Salazar: Great arse. Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz speaks Common, Goblin, and Murder-hobo. Salazar: Murder-hobo? You mean Common? Dirty Franz OoC: Grunts punctuated with stabbing. Ewen: Ah, you mean 'Weapon Proficiency' Hobgoblin on other side of door: *in Goblin* Right, the distraction is here - send the pets around the back. Salazar: Oh goody! Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz doesn't want to hurt these hobgoblins now, they have pets. Heather: Kill them, and you get to keep their pets. Ziggs: What she said! Dirty Franz: *cheers up* Salazar: *bracing to murder whatever comes in the room* I'm going to disappoint him so bad... Dirty Franz: *wandering off to other end of room, rattling a carton of dog biscuits* Here, puppy puppy... All: ... GM: We'll deal with him later. Heather: They should have had some guys on the battlements. But now we're in, and much like the clap we're much harder to repel once we're inside. GM: They weren't expecting seven of you. Heather: Are you kidding? Adventurers never come in pairs. Ewen: I believed adventurers function like crows - we come in Murders. As the others deal with the masses shield wall of Hobgoblins at the main door, Franz meets the pets - a pair of Owlbears. Dirty Franz: Puppy? Heather: I think our wizard is not long for this world. Franz gets mauled and bearhugged. Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz thinks puppy doesn't deserve dog treats. Then the other pets arrive - hideous slimy tentacled worm things. Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz does not think hideous slimy tentacled worm puppies even eat dog treats. Flint: I thought you said they were drop bears? Ewen: No, the Owlbears came in through the rear - the Gricks dropped from the ceiling. Dirty Franz OoC: Should have been the other way around - then they would have been drop bears. Ewen: To save Dirty Franz from the horrible fate of being eaten by an Owlbear- Dirty Franz OoC: Well, you're more saving the Owlbear from food poisoning. Jurgen stabs the Hobgoblin leader with a distinctly unsanitary dagger. Ewen: Somehow I don't think the infection is going to matter. GM: And now for the Gricks. Jurgen: What do they give us? All: ? Jurgen: They must be Gricks bearing gifts. All: *facepalm* Salazar: My fault, I listened. All damage is self-inflicted. Jurgen has this special tone of voice when he's trying to be funny. Jurgen: Is this why I'm not getting any help against these hobgoblins? GM: Right, back to the top- Dirty Franz's player: Hey! My go! I might be going on 5, but... GM: Oh, right - what do you do? Dirty Franz's player: Am I still grappled? Ewen: No, we killed that one. Dirty Franz's player: OK then - Arcane Bond (Ring), Magic Missile, 9 points damage on the other Owlbear. Heather's player: Well done on being succinct in a mass combat. Accolades. Ewen's player: In the other game we're using the Critical Hit cards the monk severed a troll's spine. Dirty Franz's player: Don't trolls regenerate? Salazar's player: Regen doesn't fix ability damage. Ewen's player: So they left that poor troll a quadriplegic. For the four or five seconds until they finished it off. Flint's player: Do Fighters get Feats? Heather's player: Fighters are 'Feats - The Class'

D&D : Surrounded by Shadows - Edgy! On Lamech dual-wielding magical staffs. GM: All you need are skis and cold weather and you can pole yourself around. Lamech: Halfling barbarians aren't THAT hard to find - you just need to hang around the pubs on a Saturday night, after the soccer game finishes. GM: People laughed when you announced your (invented) prophecy, but when you got to Tribor there were corroborative details. Lamech: Funny how that works out. GM: I hope there's nobody with a fear of heights in the party - because you'll be crossing a very high viaduct that doesn't have any safety rails. Because Dwarves. Kavorog: Fuck OSHA Lamech: Yes, all those 'unfortunate industrial accidents' whenever the elves are visiting. Kerak: So, Lamech, is your riding dog a corgi? Lamech: Himalayan Mastiff. Kerak: .... Alrighty then. Kerak: If you take the Sword of Vengeance, Urlon, you should be fine. Unless you get hit by friendly fire, anyway. Lamech: Well, Elethandiel isn't here so that's unlikely to happen. GM: And somewhere around here is the green dragon Claughmatir. Kerak: Old Gnaw-bones? Lamech: And probably Venomfang's mum. How much you want to bet he's gone back to complain to her? GM: Depends on how independent he actually is Kerak: 'They keep killing my minions!' Lamech: 'And I've brought a bag of laundry' Lamech: *looking at the viaduct* You know, this would be an excellent place to be ambushed. Kerak: Can we camp ON the bridge? Lamech: Sure, if you're suicidal. Happily there's a fortified waystation. We get attacked anyway. GM: It's the middle of the night and there's a slow heavy knock on the gate. Lamech: No salesmen! The figure, in full plate, has no horse and doesn't answer when asked if he needs help. Lamech deliberately fails a paranoia check, for reasons of drama. Lamech: Hmm - if he's off his horse and can't speak, he clearly needs help. Let him in and break out the healing pack. The figure actually HAS been wounded, and isn't some kind of lurching undead. However, he does have prominent canines, he can't speak anything intelligible, and draws a half-circle, pointing to himself, dotted lines, crossed swords, etc. Lamech eventually figures out that he must have got here through the Shadowfell, which means he could have come from ANYWHERE. Lamech OoC: It's Kaldor Draigo! Kerak OoC: With prominent canines? Lamech OoC: Well, it's not Leman Russ, obviously - he hasn't started drinking yet. We eventually determine he had been trying to get to the Shadowgate under the Phandalin manor - the one we had filled up with rocks. Lamech hands him a shovel and mimes digging it out. The probable werewolf looks very tempted into using the shovel in an unaccustomed manner. Lamech: Beat us to death with it - fair enough. He's also completely unsurprised by the presence of two dragonborn in the party, despite dragonborn being so rare on this planet. Lamech OoC: He's from the Mary Sue dimension! Maybe he really is Kaldor Draigo. Still, all this indicates that there's a Shadowgate somewhere in the Redlarch valley - and it's still open. GM: And every Australian farmer is screaming 'SHUT THE DAMN GATE' Random Travelling God-botherer: Did you know that Shadows are derived from Paladins? They suppress all their inner evil until it manifests in the Shadowfell as a monster. Lamech: What, and not as a goatee? Aaaaaaand just like a pessimist would predict, a peek over the waystation's palisade reveals multiple Shadows. Lamech: Gentlemen.... Trollstop Inn is now a Base Under Siege. Kerak uses Sacred Flame on one, and it goes up like magnesium tape. The rest react by spreading out and retreating into cover further from the inn. Lamech: I was going to suggest that somebody go out there as bait, and when they all pile on, I Fireball you. Probably just as well nobody did go out, since the Fireball doesn't actually kill them. GM: You could do this great Rock Opera by casting Thunderwave and Lightning and whatnot. Lamech: Even with the risk of more stuff coming through the gate between now and dawn, there are SO MANY things that could go wrong if we try to go cross-country, surrounded by Shadows, at night. GM: Chasing after Shadows... And then we turn around to find that the wolfman has climbed the waystation's tower and has unfurled a pennant and is howling a challenge at the sky and lurking Shadows. GM: It's always darkest before the dawn, so everyone is expecting a massed assault around 5 in the morning. Lamech: That's OK, I have a plan! We set the palisade on fire. To save more cartoons in the dirt of cartoon adventurers, crescent moons, and Pac-Man ghosts, Lamech gets one of the NPC wizards to cast Comprehend Languages as a ritual. Pity the GM's mind went blank halfway through the backstory. But then, it has been a 40+ heatwave over here. Lamech: OK, time for more miming. I get the wolfman over, point at the wizard, make 'Ooogly-boogly' motions, point to the wolf man and mine 'yapyapyap', and point back at the wizard and cup my ears. Wolfman: I am General Kralgar. I am the Marshal of (to be added later) He's here seeking support against the threats to resurgent civilisation on his world. Lamech: I'm sure the forces of civilisation here on Toril will be interested in an alliance - most of them are dedicated to opposing the forces of destruction. GM: You still can't talk to him - only the wizard can understand him. Lamech: True. In that case - *two thumbs up and a big grin* Instead, Lamech sets up the gates of the Inn as a deathtrap - only letting a few Shadows in at a time, into an area surrounded by wagons, barricades, and righteous God-botherers. Still, 15 rush through on the first attempt - they can squeeze through gaps an inch wide. Lamech: Just as well I set up a 20ft square as the kill box. Fun fact - Fireballs are square. GM: Kavorog, what do you do? Kavorog: RAAAAAAGE, KIIIILLL, ATTAAAACK - I'm a simple, simple guy.

Nods - I did have the Wave Motion Gun in mind. Hmm. That's odd - I'm sure I'd replaced Haruspicy with Splanchomancy before I posted this. I even checked the spelling. Both of them involve divining from entrails, but the latter is specifically human entrails. Ah well - what jolly people our ancestors were.

Black Crusade : The Six of Thrones, Inverted Black Crusade returns, after a hiatus of a few months. The party has a few new acquisitions - their starship the Obsidian Resolve remodelled from q-ship to cruiser; an ally in the form of the Iron Warrior Warpsmith who assisted in creating the ritual that reshaped the ship; and a bad case of Nurgle's Rot, a highly contagious and incurable daemonic disease that will turn you into a Plaguebearer daemon after it kills you. GM: Your internal diagnostics are reporting recurrent problems with maintaining homeostasis, beginning with elevated metabolic activity and an excess of bilirubin. Digna: That's nice - now repeat it in a way the player can understand. Eniek: I'm trying to figure out how I contracted it. GM: Maybe it was that book about Nurgle you read. You know, the one that had all those Threat Biologis Extremis warnings all over it. Digna: He's got a point. GM: Nurgle noticed you were taking an interest in his cult and decided to give you a freebie. The Plaguefather is generous with his gifts. Eniek: But it's a terrible gift. GM: You can complain to Nurgle, and see how he reacts. Not that Eniek intends to informs his teammates, despite the danger to them and everybody else on the ship. He's hopeful that his power armour's hermetical seal will prevent the Rot infecting anybody else. Daniels OoC: We'll be fine as long as it isn't contagious, won't we? Digna OoC: Oh, it is, it's highly contagious. Nurgle loves spreading his gifts around. He's a bit of a slut that way. Even with his Regeneration keeping him JUST ahead of terminal decline, Eniek has a problem - unless he fully embraces the Fly-lord as patron, the only thing that can save him is apotheosis as a Daemon Prince. Eniek: I need fifty points of corruption, stat. Digna has a problem too - her future plans are unlikely to please her patron god Slaneesh, and switching her allegiance to Tzeench will guarantee divine retribution. So she wants to pacify the Prince of Pleasure with a few thousand litres of aphrodisiac, a coterie of broadcasting empaths, and a return to Scintilla. She has plans for Lord-Captain Daniels too. Digna: We need to make the captain a hermaphrodite. Lord-captain Daniel's player: I'll roll on the table the next time I have enough corruption points. Hopefully I won't get the one that fucks me. GM: Welllllll..... Digna: With Hermaphrodite...... But after dropping the Warpsmith off, they have an urgent problem with their warp-crafted ship. The hull is still unrepaired after the battle at Scintilla, and their original guns are woefully inadequate for a cruiser. Thus, off to the Hollows, where two rival Forges have chewed a planet down to to a stump. GM: Yes, you'll probably want to get all those holes patched up before that Space Marine battle-barge catches up with you. Digna: Don't worry, I've got plans for them too. GM: The number of crew suicides is within one standard deviation of the norm. Digna: Welcome to Warp Travel. The Obsidian Resolve runs aground in a warp rift - the kind of hole in reality when ships are swallowed up and vanish off the face of the universe, or armies of daemons boil out. They get daemons. Infesting the crew dormitories. GM: An infestation of daemon cockroaches, scurrying around behind the furniture when you turn the lights on. Digna: I say we set the crew-quarters on fire. Daniels: I have no problems with this plan. Digna: I'm glad you agree. Daniels: First we evacuate the crew. Digna: You're already modifying the plan. After the inferno kills off the daemon-roaches (and no few crew) Mama-roach turns up to express her displeasure. GM: You know those photos of giant centipedes wrapped around their babies? That's what's wrapped around your ship right now. GM: The daemon is currently feeling around for all those holes in your hull. Digna: I'm not comfortable being grappled there. The ship's guns do very little damage at first, despite the point-blank range. Digna: You suck. Daniels: I know, I know... Digna: Well, Skerrit isn't here, I guess you get to be the butt-monkey today. But they manage to drive it back out of reality with the other battery, get themselves back underway, and blithely sail on into a temporal hole, around it, and arrive at the Hollows exactly on time. The heretics are confident they have something to trade - the ritual for ship-crafting. Magos Onuris of Forge Pollix had already noted that the Obsidian Resolve wasn't the small raider that his sources had earlier reported, and didn't even need to fish for the information. Adept Voyl: And how do you intend to reimburse my master for these improvements? Digna: By telling you why the Obsidian Resolve isn't a q-ship anymore. Adept Voyl: ... I see - I'd been instructed to ask how your cruiser came by that name. Daniels: 'How did you get all those holes in your ship?' 'Growing pains.' Digna: 'You know ships' Eniek: 'They grow up so fast' Voyl is quite hideously mutated, even for the notoriously 'self-improving' hereteks. GM: Poor lab safety practise when working with Warp reagents - he kept licking his fingers. But then Onuris encourages all his acolytes to experiment and take risks, since he's sure any that any that have designs on his position will get themselves killed long before they can endanger him. So it's practically certain that Voyl, and every other acolyte and heretek and spy in the forge, if not Magos Onuris himself, will do anything to get their mechadendrites on that ritual, and ensure that they're the only person that knows it. Digna promptly throws her ally the Warpsmith under a bus. Magos Onuris: +++ The value of such a secret is inversely proportional to the number of people who know of it +++ What value do you place on your alliance with the Iron Warriors Warpsmith? +++ Digna: *shrugs* +++ Not much - he was an ally of convenience +++ Magos Onuris: +++ I will require a demonstration of this process +++ Until an area has been prepared, make yourselves comfortable, Magos Digna, Magos-Delegate Eniek, ..... human +++ Lord-Captain Daniels: Charming. GM: You're given a noosphere password if you want it. Digna: Nah, I learned my lesson about strange noospheres. I'm sure I caught something off Eniek that time... GM: All those clickbait icons - 'What This Magos Did Next Will Astound You!' Digna: I'll need to invoke the spirits of Norton, McAffee and Avast. GM: Do you want to search the suite? Digna: What, for the listening devices that are most assuredly there? No point - we can never be sure we got them all. So we'll assume we're being monitored and act accordingly. Daniels: We could set the suite on fire. Digna: No, they told us to make ourselves comfortable, not have fun. Adept Voyl: +++ Your smaller creature interests me +++ Was it derived from a vat-grown subject? +++ Digna: +++ No, wild-type. I improved her +++ Adept: +++ Intriguing +++ I find wild test subjects are prone to unpredictable variation in response +++ My own research uses vat-grown human brains biowelded into a gestalt +++ GM: Daniels - you miss most of this conversation because you can't speak Binary Cant. Little Sister notices your expression and comes up to hold your hand. Daniels: How sweet. Little Sister: Good Doggie! Wuff! Daniels: Daniels: Did I ever tell you Little Sister is creepy as fuck? Digna: She does have Disturbing Voice. Daniels: She looks adorable, then she opens her mouth! The research chamber has clearly been used for Warp research before, and the remains of the previous researcher are still being hosed off the walls when the hereteks arrive to set up their ritual - a transformation of a wrecked Sentinel Walker and assorted scrap into an Ironstrider. It goes smoothly enough, although it is interrupted by gurgling noises inside Eniek's armour when his spleen deliquesces. Digna: If you loved me, you'd swallow that. Eniek: I don't have a mouth. Digna: 'I have No Mouth And I Must Swallow'? Daniels: Even though I'm Slaneesh-aligned, I hoped I'm never as bad as you. The result is a weirdly biological-looking walker, that on some principle of morphic resonance 'knew' it should have a monotask servitor wired into the cockpit, and 'decided' to incorporate the sacrificial victim, throat still bleeding where Eniek neatly sliced it to the bone, and cables running in and out of his eye sockets. Daniels: .... that's reasonably disturbing. Digna: Excuse me? This WAS a warp ritual. The hereteks are unconcerned that Voyl, and no doubt Onuris, are recording everything they can about the Crafting ritual. Digna: Because Eniek's got some of the runes inscribed on the inside of his robes. Daniels: And if they try to reproduce the ritual without those runes? Digna: 'Oh dear, it just ate you'. Magos Onuris, who clearly wants the ritual at any cost, offers a well-balanced business proposition to Digna and the others, complete with suggested precautions and subterfuges to ensure his rivals don't find out. Daniels: This Magos more intelligent than Warpsmith. Digna: This Magos make contract... And why we all talk like Hulk now? During the months of repairs and upgrades to the Obsidian Resolve, Digna gets a few upgrades herself - cybernetic tendrils perfect for delicate work, even if they have a disturbing amount of autonomy. GM: Mechanical tentacle porn Digna OoC: Surprisingly there isn't much of that. At least in 40K. Outside of 40K it's everywhere. Magos Onuris has a further offer regarding the Obsidian Resolve's currently empty prow weapon slot - he'd like the hereteks to go test-fire a new weapon he's designed, and which he will install for free. Alarm bells ring - Onuris is being oddly reticent about the actual nature of the weapon, and the power requirements are absurdly low for something as lethal as he describes. And why doesn't he install it on one of his own ships? Magos Onuris: +++ I would require you to test-fire it into an occupied planet +++ Eniek: What happens if we fire it at another ship? Magos Onuris: +++ That depends on circumstances +++ Would there be other star vessels within 2x10^8 metres of the target? +++ GM: It sounds like a warp-powered Nova Cannon. An experimental warp-powered Nova Cannon. Digna: I have two words in response, but not necessarily in this order 'No', and 'Hell'. Plus this might be an attempt to sabotage the Obsidian Resolve, so Onuris will be the only person left knowing the ship crafting ritual. Magos Onuris: +++ I am insulted +++ The weapon represents considerable investment of resources +++ I do not require such an amount of materiel to destroy your ship +++ Eniek: No, but it might be what is necessary. They also pick up a replacement Navigator, an eyeless mutant who uses Haruspicy to divine warp travel routes. GM: He'll need to string up and disembowel a crew member or slave before each trip. Of course, he's blind , so slicing open a hole and feeling around inside probably works just as well. Daniels also acquires a set of Reducing Apocatheriums as well. The Imperium of Man uses these booths to render deceased citizens down into useful drugs and by-products. The forces of Chaos use them too - but generally ignore the 'deceased' bit. Daniels: I like that. 'Please step into this box' 'Why?' 'Magic trick' 'OK' WHIRRRR-aRGGHHAAHHHHOHGODSCREAM 'Ta-da, he's dead'.