Balabanto Posted February 11, 2011 Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 The blistering sun shines down on the large crater in the middle of the desert. Cracked rocks and shiny crumbles of gravel shiver amid the large stands that have been set up. In the very center of the crater, a large square has been roped off, with two tents, one on either side. Johnny's Voiceover: It's a beautiful day in the blistering heat of Southern Arizona, land of illegal aliens, political assassinations, and violent debate! Tonight, we celebrate the spirit of Arizona's violent past with the violence of the future! Nick's Voiceover: For tonight! Yes, tonight! In glorious living 3-D, and 2-D for those of you who are poor or cheap, we bring you another great event in the history of super sports! Tonight, live from the Desert of Arizona, we'll discover whether or not there are really shades of grey. For tonight, it's Black Fang vs. White Rhino... Johnny and Nick, along with Genetic Deviant X and Defender in a Jar: ON CHAMPIONS UNIVERSAL DEATHMATCH! There is a massive shuddering explosion as a butte blasts apart in the background, erupting with chunks of rock that form into the words "Champions Universal Deathmatch, A Brawling Balabanto Production of an Allan Smithee Film, Sponsored by Nar-Cola and Steven Long's Underpants!" The camera pans down to a table where the announcers are sitting, not far from the ring. The table is covered by two umbrellas, and Johnny, Nick and Genetic Deviant X are all sitting there in shorts, sandals and Hawaiian shirts. On the table, Defender in a Jar shines. Next to him is a bottle of tanning oil. Johnny: Well, here we are, out in the desert for another glorious season of Deathmatch. Nick: And what a season it's going to be! This year, the contestants will be voted on by lucky Hero System boards suckers...I mean participants! Genetic Deviant X: I would rather have had the one with the babe. I could add Mantara to my stable. Yeah. (Genetic Deviant X adjusts his pimp hat and sunglasses.) Defender in a Jar: I've had enough of women. I think I'm just going to sit here and tan. (The Jar, predictably, does absolutely nothing) Genetic Deviant X: So, uh...which one of you two guys actually rubbed the tanning oil into Defender? Nick: Wasn't me. Johnny: Uh..uhm...Right, anyway, we've got a fantastic deathmatch up on the cards for you today, and we'll be right back to interview the contestants after these messages... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted February 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino Focus in on the Nar-Cola building, in the middle of a blasted wasteland. From inside, the sounds of battle can be heard. "In a future without carbonation, power rests in the hands of the one who holds the bottle!" Cut inside to Nar-Cola executives battling it out with wild martial arts maneuvers, guns, and swords. "Don't wait 'til the last bottle." Fade out to bone crunching combat and screams of pain as the Nar-Cola logo comes up. Genetic Deviant X: And we're back! Focus in on the outside of one of the tents. Nick: Debbie's going to interview Black Fang. But something seems to be going on inside the tent! Debbie stands there in dim-witted confusion as the tent shakes, spins and shudders. When the shaking is over, Black Fang steps out of the tent. He is a massively muscled werewolf wearing a chain belt and a metal knee brace. Debbie: Mr. Fang, if I could have a word? Black Fang: Oooh, little Blonde Riding Hood. Want to go for a ride in my...wolfmobile? Debbie: I...think I could see my way clear to a...ride in your wolfmobile. RRRR...Who's going to win today? Black Fang: Me! I can't die! No, really! It's not a joke! No matter how many times he rips me apart, I can't die! Debbie: Well, isn't that against the rules? Black Fang: What rules? This is Deathmatch! Debbie: Is there anything racial about you being Black Fang and a white guy, while your opponent is an African man named White Rhino? Black Fang: Just someone's idea of a cruel joke, I guess. It doesn't matter. I'm gonna kill White Rhino and then you can come back to my tent. Debbie: See you later (Bats Eyelashes)...if you live... Johnny: Is it true? Black Fang really can't die? Nick: Well, anyone can die here! It's Champions Universal Deathmatch! There are no rules, no...wait...he can't die? Defender in a Jar: Didn't you just say no rules? Genetic Deviant X: Looks like White Rhino's in a heap of trouble. We'll be back with Debbie's interview with White Rhino after this series of messages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawnmower Boy Posted February 11, 2011 Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino ...Sponsored by... Steven Long's Underpants!" Oh, no you don't. If Steve Long has an underpants endorsement deal, if I can wear the same brand of underoos as Steven Long, THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE NOT DROPPING THE BRAND NAME ON ME. Unless they're not available in Canada. (Pout.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted February 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino Thunderous Drumbeats on a black screen... He came to a little town of cows where they made no cheese.... Thunderous footsteps as a rat in cowboy boots stumps into a small western town. Now...one rat will cheese them all... Focus in on the Rat's face. "I'm gonna make cheese out of yah..." Cheesed Out! Coming soon to a theatre near you! Rated R for CGI violence against animals... Johnny: And we're back! Debbie's outside White Rhino's tent right now! Nick: Is she going to try and pick him up, too? Defender in a Jar: Why not? Someone has to win! Cut to Debbie outside White Rhino's tent. White Rhino looks like a large, white Humanoid Rhinoceros. He is standing with arms folded, and towers over Debbie Debbie: So you're White Rhino? White Rhino: Indeed. Why have you come to interview me, tiny little blonde woman? Debbie: Well...I want to know what your chances are against a guy who says he can't die. White Rhino: Ridiculous. He can die, and I, White Rhino will be the one to kill him. Am I not simultaneously one of the world's greatest villains and the protector of Central Africa? Debbie: Wow, that sounds like a big job. White Rhino: It is nothing that I, White Rhino, master of my own destiny, cannot handle! Debbie: There you have it, and back to you, Johnny! Johnny: We'll be back with opening matchups and the return of Judge Mills Lane in just a few short minutes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted February 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino Johnny: And we're back! Nick: Yeah, back to the old Deathmatch grind. Both contestants are now in the ring, awaiting the arrival of our referee. You know him, you love him. Defender in a Jar: He's got the surgically attached arm of a giant gorilla! Genetic Deviant X: He's Judge Mills Lane! The crowd cheers as Judge Mills Lane leaps onto the stage, using the power of his mighty gorilla arm to land in the center of the ring between Black Fang and White Rhino. Judge Mills Lane: All right, you two black and white pansies, Let me quickly go over the rules! There aren't any! And just in case either of you try to destroy the scoreboard and crush me with it, we've removed it from the venue this time! So, since you're both familiar with everything about the Deathmatch, I have only one more thing to say. Black Fang: Just get on with it! White Rhino: I think you are a poor excuse for a supernatural creature. Soon you will be gored to death by the horn of the White Rhino. Black Fang: Feeling a little lonely? I thought you only "gored to death" the ladies. White Rhino: As a skilled criminal, I applaud your lame dialogue. As the protector of Central Africa, I deplore your immature actions and will rip out your wolf gonads and feed them to a kitten. Judge Mills Lane: All right, then! LET'S GET IT ON! (Judge Mills Lane steps aside, dropping into a referee's stance.) Phase 12 Black Fang Holds Black Fang beckons with his hand. Black Fang: Come on, White Rhino. I know you've got something big and hard for me under that thick skin. White Rhino: I do. (White Rhino sneers and leaps out of the ring, grabbing the entire stands filled with people, and hurls it right on top of the ring! People scream and are hurled left and right as Black Fang's eyes open wide.) Black Fang: Oh, crap! (Dive For Cover) Judge Mills Lane also leaps out of the way, but is far more successful than Black Fang. The entire thing crashes down on the Werewolf, crushing him into the ring. Several people are badly injured or squashed by the falling stands. There is a sickening pop as Black Fang is smashed through the floor of the ring, and Judge Mills Lane looks around at all the carnage and destruction. Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it! Johnny: Holy Crap! White Rhino went right for the fans! This is going to be a great match! Nick: I saw it too, Nick. My god, look, Britanny Spears is still bleeding. Someone put the poor girl out of her misery! Defender in a Jar: I'll do it! Hey, Brittany, you just got a number one hit! Genetic Deviant X: He means break her neck, you moron! Phase 12 Ends... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted February 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino Post 12 Recovery. Phase 2: White Rhino sneers. "Dig your way out of that heap of metal and meat, Furball. I'm gonna run you down, and leave your body for your ancestors." There's some grinding and shrieking from under the heap of metal, and Black Fang crawls his way out of the pile! He doesn't look much the worse for wear, and he lets out a savage howl. White Rhino: You have GOT to be kidding me! Black Fang: That's what a werewolf can do, buddy boy! Come on, Rhino! Give me your best horn! Johnny: I'm not sure that's what he meant to say, Nick. Nick: I know it probably wasn't. But he just got hit on the head by an entire legion of Deathmatch fans and several tons of metal! Defender in a Jar: They both look pretty resilient. This could take a while. Genetic Deviant X: Maybe... Phase 2 White Rhino watches as Black Fang digs himself out of the pile of metal and dead bodies. White Rhino: No way! It isn't that he lived! It's that he stands at all! Black Fang: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"Bring it on, Rhino-boy! I'll kill you one piece of your face at a time!" Johnny: Well, that's a Werewolf for you. Always finding time to howl. Phase 3 Black Fang beckons and puts one hand behind his back as White Rhino charges forward, up the massive latticework of ruined ring, stands and dead bodies. Black Fang throws his hand in the way and deftly slips around White Rhino as White Rhino tries to run him down. (Abort Phase 4 to Martial Block) Nick: Oh, it looks like White Rhino's going for the kill right away! What a surprise! Defender in a Jar: Did he just trample Brittany Spears? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Johnny: Even I can't defend that howl of grief. She was totally useless. Phase 5 White Rhino turns to face Black Fang. "That was pretty sneaky there, little man. But you know, I can't exactly believe that some stupid little wolf-was is going to beat me." He aims a fierce punch at Black Fang, which Black Fang nimbly deflects by throwing his arm into the crook of White Rhino's elbow. Black Fang: That's Were-wolf. Oh. English isn't your first language. White Rhino: Apparently it isn't yours either, or you would have gotten the joke sooner! Johnny: Wow, these two guys like to talk. Nick: Well, most of their fans who are still alive can barely hear it. Even Judge Lane is standing back after that one. Phase 6 Black Fang: Let's try something simple! Look! A threat to Central Africa! (Black Fang points in Defender in a Jar's general direction and as he does so, launches into a flipping kick that slams White Rhino in the head!) OOC: Critical Hit! WHite Rhino takes 17 AND is Stunned for CON! White Rhino falls to the ground with a dull thump and a loud boom! Phase 7: Black Fang: Who's the man? I'm a threat to Central Africa! (Unleashes another kick at White Rhino's head, leaping off the latticework to smash into him with a clawed foot!) White Rhino grunts at the relentless barrage of kicks as Black Fang slams foot after foot into his face. He twitches on the ground as the werewolf pounds on him. Genetic Deviant X: Looks like the Rhino's getting the worst of it. Nick: Well, Black Fang did say he couldn't die. Phase 8: White Rhino recovers from being stunned! Johnny: Uh, oh. White Rhino's getting up! What do you think, Defender? Nick: Uh, Johnny? Johnny: Yeah? Nick: Look down. The jar is cracked. Ash leaks out over the sand, slowly blowing away in the wind. Defender in a Jar: Johnny (Weakly...) Save...me... Genetic Deviant X: That sucks. I was actually getting to like the little guy. Nick: The jar must have cracked when the stands hit the ring. This is a tragic moment for all of Defender's many fans, and a terrible event that will strike hard into the hearts of all of us who knew and loved him. Johnny: But it's a GREAT moment in the history of Champions Universal Deathmatch, one that will (Sob...) live forever! Goodbye, Defender in a Jar.... Defender in a Jar: Sc..(BEEP) you, Johnny! You never really cared about... (The last of the ash leaks out of the jar) Nick: Genetic Deviant X will take over Defender's slot effective immediately! We'll be back in a few moments! We promise you won't miss a thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted February 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino Phase 9 Black Fang sneers, totally unaware of the death of Defender in a Jar as he drives another fierce kick into the prone body of White Rhino. Black Fang: I'm gonna finish you off right here in front of all these loving fans, and then I'm going to go have my turn at Debbie! I hear she's had a lot of turns! White Rhino grunts under the impact of the kick. White Rhino: That didn't come out right at all. I'm sure you didn't mean to say you wanted to go to bed with a large, African Rhino-Man, but you know, these things just have a way of coming out unbidden at the worst possible time. By the way, this isn't Central Africa. (Throws dust in Black Fang's face!) Phase 10 White Rhino stands. "The oldest trick in the book, and you fell for it!" (KAPOW) White Rhino smashes his fist right into Black Fang's groin! Black Fang doubles over momentarily, before righting himself. Black Fang: The best you can do is sand in my face and a kick in the gonads? You can't be serious! Phase 11 Black Fang: This is how it's done, Rhino-Boy! Black Fang aims a whirlwind spinning kick right into White Rhino's groin! White Rhino looks down at him like he's crazy. White Rhino Grunts. White Rhino: It seems that your kick hit something other than the key portion of my midsection. I guess there's hard, and then there's harder. Phase 12 Black Fang lets out a mad shriek of fury! "No way! You can't be that impressive! No way!" White Rhino: You know what they say about African men. Now stand aside and let a real Man-Rhino give Debbie what she needs. Black Fang slashes furiously at White Rhino, howling and slobbering as he claws at him. White Rhino remains standing after the savage slash. His tough hide isn't even scratched. White Rhino: You should feel fortunate. This isn't Central Africa. Otherwise I'd have to protect Central Africans from you. Unfortunately for you, your weakness is well known, and I have a silver Rhino amulet that gives me all my powers. (White Rhino has 6d6 of Luck. Whereas Black Fang has absolutely no luck whatsoever) Black Fang: What? White Rhino rips the amulet out of his own chest and smashes it into Black Fang's head! Black Fang sails back, slamming into the latticework and crushing the head of the CEO of Citigroup! Nick: Well, at least some good came out of this. Johnny: That's our sponsor! Are you nuts? Genetic Deviant X: That's one brain I'd never eat. With a loud crash, Black Fang slams into the latticework and begins getting up. Nick: Unbelievable. They're both still up! I don't know how long this can go on with White Rhino bashing Black Fang with a silver amulet, though! Post 12 Recovery...Black Fang has 25 STUN now. White Rhino has 31. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted February 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch! Black Fang vs. White Rhino Phase 2: Black Fang leaps at White Rhino, his face snarling with fury! "I'm gonna rip you up and put you in a basket for Red Riding Hood!" White Rhino: You know what they say! I'm nothing but aphrodesiacs! Black Fang delivers a fierce elbow strike to the face of White Rhino! White Rhino grunts and reaches out to grab Black Fang's leg. Phase 3 Genetic Deviant X: You know what they say about Rhinos. They just don't stop coming! Johnny: No argument here! Nick: Well, that may end soon! Looks like Black Fang is going to rip White Rhino apart! Black Fang's leg nimbly slips under White Rhino's grip. The massive rhino-like hand slips past Black Fang as he whirls around in a combat stance! Phase 4 Black Fang slashes at White Rhino with his claws again! Black Fang: You can't hold me! You can't lay a glove on me! What are you going to do? Stab me with your amulet? White Rhino winces as the slash slams into him, and he staggers momentarily. White Rhino: Actually, Yes! (White Rhino squeezes the amulet tightly and holds tight to the horn portion, driving the magic amulet into Black Fang's Chest!) Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow It! (Judge Lane raises his ape arm in a signal of affirmation!) Nick: Oh, man, here it comes! Johnny: That's going to be one for the record books! Genetic Deviant X: I guess he can be killed. Oh, well, let's find out.... White Rhino SHOVES the amulet right through Black Fang's chest, with a bloody exit out the back! Black Fang's still beating heart throbs as his body struggles to regenerate! A horrible and disgusting scene ensues where White Rhino repeatedly stabs Black Fang with his amulet, over and over again as the bleeding, cheering crowd pump their fists! White Rhino: Well, you know what they say about Rhino-men and women like Debbie! Johnny: Why are they cheering for him? He threw them into the ring! Nick: Who cares! It was a great battle! One for the ages! The age of Defender in a Jar is over. Genetic Deviant X: Say hello to Genetic Deviant X, Ladies! The party's at my place after the event! Johnny: I think the party's in White Rhino's tent, X. Nick, Johnny and Genetic Deviant X: And that's it for this week's Champions Universal Deathmatch. From all of us here at Balabanto Studios, we're saying Good Fight... And good night! OOC Note: This was the closest one ever. White Rhino got a lucky shot in at the end and ended the fight with a SINGLE point of stun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawnmower Boy Posted April 30, 2014 Report Share Posted April 30, 2014 Arise, etc. This exercise in Bubbamancy brought to you in the name of Muenstercheese. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bubba smith Posted April 30, 2014 Report Share Posted April 30, 2014 thanks for the memories can isuggest a match witchcraft vs. her alleged "sidekick" cantrip Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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