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alexraccoon

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alexraccoon last won the day on April 18 2006

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About alexraccoon

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  • Birthday 05/09/1969

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  1. Re: Jokes Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' ANZ: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?' ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given) ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given ) After they get the fax: ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.' ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' ANZ: 'That might help.' Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.' ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'Well, what the F*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
  2. Re: Jokes A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he as the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus? ' The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the asks again, 'Have you found Jesus yet, my brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
  3. Re: Jokes Secrets To A Woman's Happy Life 1. It is important to find a man who loves only you. 2. It is important to find a man who cooks and cleans. 3. It is important to find a man who makes good money. 4. It is important to find a man who likes to have sex. 5. It is important to find a man who is sensitive and understanding. 6. It is important to find a man who loves to dance with only you. 7. It is extremely important that these six men never meet. A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition. Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim....my." The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy." This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish." The second man replied, "Irish." Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again. Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow." Paddy whispered back, "Dublin." This time they were both a little stronger and could continue. "Cancer," said Jimmy. Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."
  4. Re: "Neat" Pictures [attach]26520[/attach]
  5. Re: Jokes Happy Hannukkah On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 8 Alka- Seltzer 7 noodle kugels 6 pickled herrings 5 bowls of chicken soup 4 potato latkes 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
  6. Re: Jokes [ATTACH]26426[/ATTACH] Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a pizza. "Certainly your majesty" says the manager "will it be your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?" Once upon a time there was a flock of angels with long flowing beautiful hair. But lo and behold, due to improper eating habits and advanced age, all their hair fell out. They soon saw the light and purchased gorgeous, extravagant wigs, which were even more golden and more flowing than their original hair. One day, there came unto the angels very bad tidings. They lost their financial security and were reduced to a penniless state. In utmost misery, they fell to their knees and prayed for a solution. Suddenly, the clouds parted and a thunderous voice gave forth the following, "Hock the Hair, Old Angels."
  7. Re: Jokes Mistletoe It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
  8. Re: Jokes Santa Is A Woman I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
  9. Re: Jokes Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
  10. Re: Jokes You knew it would come sooner or later: argos staff have been told they must sell lots of teddy bears this christmas, but ensure they do not make a prophet out of them:D
  11. Re: Jokes My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. Frustration is trying to find your glasses...without your glasses. God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
  12. I dont know if this has been posted before but I found this site while searching for the shadow. http://www.rusc.com/ It's not a free site you have to pay a membership fee but it's loaded with radio show clips from the 30s/40s Last night I entertained myself listening to the Shadow and the early Superman My wife said that the shadow was hammy but it sets the scene for pulp quite well
  13. What damage does a character do by shaking a A person? b The crew/passengers of a vehicle?
  14. Re: Jokes First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'
  15. Re: Jokes Jerry Garcia awoke in an all-white recording studio, surrounded by instruments. Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman were tuning their guitars. John Lennon was seated at the piano. Janis Joplin and Buddy Holly were warming up. As he plugged into his amp, an awestruck Garcia murmered, "Wow! There really is a rock 'n' roll heaven!" Elvis Presley said to him, "Heaven?" just as Karen Carpenter sat down at the drums and said, "Okay, people. 'Close To You' in E-flat. One, two, one, two..."
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