fbdaury Posted March 21, 2005 Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Yeah, so this is my character for Corven's Knights of New LA game. This includes both his profile, which I already mentioned on the thread for that game, and now the first part of his Journal. Check it out already! http://www50.brinkster.com/bricedaury/journal1.htm Man, I gotta stop doing that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted March 21, 2005 Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. What is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corven_Ren Posted March 21, 2005 Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. PSST You forgot the link Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted March 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. What is? Go look, now with updated goodness... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted March 21, 2005 Report Share Posted March 21, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. Nice stuff fdbaury! It's a good grabber, it reminds me a little of how Doug (Skaramine) writes his lead-ins to his action material. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted March 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. Nice stuff fdbaury! It's a good grabber' date=' it reminds me a little of how Doug (Skaramine) writes his lead-ins to his action material.[/quote'] I guess I'll take that as a compliment , seening as how he's a published writer and all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted March 22, 2005 Report Share Posted March 22, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. I guess I'll take that as a compliment ' date=' seening as how he's a published writer and all [/quote'] To be clear, yes, it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corven_Ren Posted March 22, 2005 Report Share Posted March 22, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. Not trying to hijack his thread but I am going to add pics of all the characters here. That way people can get a better visualization. I do not have a pic for Grond but then again, most people shouls know what he looks like. I also do not have a pic for Reticle. Also a little player info. Grond is played by Kirby Remedy is played by Skaramine Shadowshot is played by simplygnome Ghost is played by WhammeWhamme Reticle is played by F1reG0lem John (Flag Man) is an NPC who was originally a PC but the player had to drop out Philosopher unfortunatly I dont remember his hero board name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted March 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. Naw, s'cool, hijack away Corven... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted March 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2005 Rabbit and Hounds- Jack's Childhood And now, for something a little different: Rabbit and Hounds, a story of Jack's childhood: I was eight years old when I first realized my father was a monster. For my seventh birthday I had gotten a pet rabbit from my mother and had named him Thumper. I had added a pocket to my backpack that allowed me to take Thumper everywhere with me- everywhere but school, that is. While I was in school Thumper would stay in the garden behind our house. Once I got home, I would go get him and we’d go play. I really loved Thumper- he was a sea of calm and tranquility in a world of Fascist governments, arguing parents and cybernetic government storm troopers. A world that my father played a role in helping to maintain. Growing up, I was smart and sensitive but at age eight I did not yet know what it was that my father’s company did, only that it wasn’t very nice and whatever it was, my mom didn’t like it. Growing up I would hear them arguing many nights, with more than once the topic of his work coming up. She couldn’t believe that my father was supporting the government, the same government that he had once hated for what it did to the freedoms that had once been a right of the people. His usual response to this was that he had grown up and realized that the world was what it was and he could hate it all he wanted and end up with nothing or he could be part of the system and thereby get everything that he wanted. “I aim to be on the top of the pile,†he would say, “Not somewhere in the middle or bottom of it.†I didn’t really understand what that meant but I did know that it hurt my mom, who would spend hours alone staring at old pictures of my dad from when they had first met, and cried. I never figured out if it was for what my father had become or because she still loved him even after he became the polar opposite of the man she had fallen in love with. So, as my eigth birthday approached, I started to get excited, thinking about the party that I would have(and how I would have to invite all the kids that I didn’t like from my school because my father said that their fathers were important men too and we needed to be friendly with them) and all the presents that I would get. I wondered if I would get that hoverboard that I had been asking for, I had already figured out a way to rig a strap on it to hold Thumper. All in all, I was a young boy approaching what should have been the best day of his life. Such was not to be… On the morning of my birthday, I came bounding down the stairs with Thumper in my arms, wonder-ing what my birthday breakfast was gonna be. I came to a dead halt when I got to the dining room only to find father there- he was always at work by this time in the morning, what was going on? Then I saw that look on his face, a look that I hated- what had I done now? Had Thumper chewed on something again? Was it something that I had done at school? What was it? Then my father walked over to me and reached out his hands for Thumper to be handed to him. At that moment, I felt something that I had never felt before- a strange sensation like a needle in the back of my brain, a sensation that later in life I would come to recognize as a warning of impending danger. But I did not know what it meant this time, only that something BAD was going to happen. I held tight to Thumper, refusing to hand him to my father. “Give him to me, boy,†he said. I just shook my head at first, too scared to say anything, then I managed to say, “No, You’re gonna hurt Thumper!†“I’m going to hurt You if you don’t give him to me,†he said, and then seeing I would not comply, he struck me hard across the face, rocking my head back. In the pain of the moment I let go of Thumper and saw him pelt across the room and hide under the antique hutch that my mom kept his heirlooms in. As I fell, I instinctively used my momentum to roll back up onto my feet, also saving myself from hitting the hard floor. My father was ignoring me now, thinking that I was down on the floor. As he headed towards Thumper under the hutch, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back with all the adrenaline-enriched strength that my body could muster. It was a feeling of strength that foreshadowed the power that I would develop soon after beginning puberty, when I discovered what I was. My father was surprised to find himself held back by his eight year old. Then, he simply picked me up off the ground and threw me back against the wall. The impact with the wall knocked the wind out of me and I simply crumpled to the ground. My mom, silent up to this point, apparently stunned silent, now added to the moment, “Jack, leave the boy alone, he’s just a child!†“Stay out of this Diane, I was the same age when the old man did this to me.†“Yes, and you hated him every day of your life after that- is this really the way you want things to be with your son?†“Yes, but it was for my own good, I see that now Diane, and this is for little Jack’s good too. I was weak, just like the boy is weak, but I won’t have it Diane, the boy needs to be strong to get by in this world, and I’m gonna make him strong, dammit! There are hunters and hunted in this world and my son’s gonna be a hunter, not some spineless little victim that takes it because he doesn’t have the guts to hold on to what he’s due.†“What about the happiness he’s due?†“He’ll learn to live with this, in time he’ll realize what I’m doing was in his best interest.†Saying this, my father attempted to pull Thumper out from undder the hutch but had not reckoned on Thumper using his teeth as a weapon, biting my father. “GOD-DAMNED RODENT!†My father then flew across the room in a rage, grabbing one of the long kitchen knives. Unable to make any noise except an inarticulate scream, I charged at my father. As I was almost upon him, he turned to me, knife in hand and eyes burning with a rage I had never seen in a human being before, like some sort of feral monster that was simply hiding behind a human mask. I fell back away from him as his rage washed over me like a wave, bowling me back. He then reached under the hutch, reversing the knife and striking Thumper across the head with the heavy wooden handle, knocking the poor rabbit senseless. He then dragged my rabbit, my Thumper, out by his ears like he was a stuffed toy. My father reached into the closet and pulled out my coat and threw it at me. “Put this on.†“Jack, I don’t think that this is a good…†“I told you to stay out of this Diane, it’s going to happen.†Too stunned to disobey, I put on my coat while he put Thumper into a cage he had kept in the closet as well. Then he grabbed me by my arm and started to drag me out of the house. “You’re coming to work with me today boy, “ he said as he led me out to the waiting hoverlimo that he rode to work every day. We drove in silence to one of the Reynold’s Groups buildings, my head sore and ringing from where he had hit me and he angry that I had defied him, until we got to the gates of our destination. “Look out there boy, some day this will all be yours.†I looked out the window onto a scene rife with misery, his workers legally indentured virtual slave labour, one of the many concessions he received for his role in the government’s power structure. Looking out, I realized I wanted no part of this. We got out of the car and a man came up to meet us, weaaring a lab coat. “Is it ready?†was all my father asked. “Of course sir, if I may?â€, and with that, he took Thumper and walked way from us. My father grabbed me as I tried to race after him to get Thumper back. He took me to an observation room on the second floor with a glass wall that looked out over the lab underneath- the room was dominated on one side by what appeared to be some sort of pen for animals. The scientst that had taken Thumper now removed him from his cage and placed him on a table. As I started to beat on the glass and yell Thumper’s name, my father came over and put his hand on my shoulder, in almost a kind gesture. He then gestured to the scientist, who picked Thumper up and placed him in the pen. He then walked over and pushed a button on a panel and I heard the hiss of pneumatic doors as two holes appeared in the walls of the pen. I saw red eyes staring out from the darkness and then I heard a horrible gear-grinding sound as two half-machines dogs lumbered out of the walls, saliva dripping from their jaws as they appraoched Thumper. “NO, DADDY, NO!â€, I screamed as I hurled myself at the glass, once more trying to beat my way through it. Then, not realizing what I was doing, I kicked it, feeling a little give against my foot as the dogs approached Thumper and I saw the fear in his eyes as he looked for somewhere to run. I kicked the glass again, harder as the dogs approached striking distance, this time feeling the glass crack under the force of my blow. Then, as the dogs lashed out and each dug their teeth into Thumper, I let out a primal scream of rage and kicked the glass as hard as I could, a satisfying shattering sound greeting my ears as the wall blew out across the lab below as the dogs tore Thumper in half, his blood spraying all over them, making their already horrific looks that much worse. Then, I fell to the floor and began to cry as I watched those things down there eating my rabbit, my Thumper! When the tears ran out and I sat there red eyed and spent, my father came over and put his hand back onto my shoulder. “You’ve learned a valuable lesson here today boy- there are two types of people in this world, hounds and rabbits. You just saw what happens to the rabbits.†With that, my father picked me up, I tried to protest but I was too spent from what I had seen and from the crying and he carried me to his office. When we got there, he laid me on his leather coach and then went and sat at his desk, flicking on his com unit and ordering a clean-up team to the observation room. As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard his conversation with Johnson, head of the clean-up department. “And, by the way,†my father said, “I thought I said that the observation rooms were to be constructed with reinforced ceramiglass?†“Yes sir, they were sir,†I heard from the other end of the com system. “I hardly think that my eight year old kicked through a ceramiglass window, do you Johnson?†“Uh, no sir, I’ll head up the clean up myself, to make sure it’s done right this time sir.†“Good, see that you do.†And then the darkness descended in on me. I kept dreaming about Thumper, the dogs tearing him apart over and over, and somewhere in that nightmare-plagued sleep, I made a decision as I remembered what my father had said “You’re wrong,†I thought, “Someday a rabbit will win. And then the dogs will know what it feels like to be the powerless ones.†Then the deeper darkness took me, and I slept, but something stirred within me, in my DNA, something was inspired, perhaps. Something that would sleep until I turned 12 and started to realize who that Rabbit would be to show my father his error. ***Comments, criticism, questions are all appreciated... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted March 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. Uh, anyone read this? What did you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. I really have a hard time with stories like this, it's a block. You could kill of his little sister in the same manner and I wouldn't blink an eye, but "gratuitous" (I put it in quotes as it is in the eye of the beholder) violence with animals is hard for me to stomach. And that is admittedly a personal issue. That being said, it's a good development passage. However, I think the father may become too 2-D or too much of a caricature. That may or may not be an issue, depending on where the rest goes. What I do worry a little about is that I would not want to see this become something where all the gov't supporters/fascists are painted as intrinsically evil and mean and those in opposition as opposingly simplistically virtuous. I am not saying you'll do this, but I am saying I can see a danger from the passage, it reads a bit like some of the Hellblazer stuff that was too strident and too simplistic in conflating morality and politics. All that being said, it's a fine transitional/development section. It moves the story forward and retains interest suitably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted March 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Re: Jack's Profile and First Journal Entry. Yes, I do have a tendency to skirt the line of writing antagonists as one dimensional, something that comes from the fact that my writing is more emotionally driven than cerebral- I try writing what something feels like rather than how it looks. Sometimes we all feel that someone else is all bad,even tough we realize that person probably has a point of view themselves were what they're doing is the right thing. Few people are conciously evil in their actions. That being said, I went in a few directions with his father- he's a mildly conflicted dude and maybe someday, with the right motivation, and the love of his wife and son, he might evem make it back to the side of the angels . It also leaves Jack with an underlying fear that he may someday become like his father- it's the desire to not cave in to a sense of powerless vs. the government like his father had that makes him fight as well as his desire to be free of the tyranical regime in power. In essence, he's fighting his own inner demons as well as the outward, cybernetic ones as well. Thank you for the comments, I really appreciate hearing what others think and what they feel may be shortcomings, as it gives me something concrete to focus on overcoming in my writing style. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fbdaury Posted April 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2005 Journal Entry Number Two... Well, it had been my intention to do this earlier, and in more detail, but then life came up, as it has a way of doing. Just when it looked like I was not going to be able to stay with the group of superhumans that I had run across(literally!), I was approached by Remedy and the man that we called John but who has since discovered another name. They both explained to me about both Grond, how he was a powerhouse with a childlike mentality, a creature learning to be something more than the monster that he appeared to be, a powerful fighter in the war against the Enforcers, a war that I had now joined in earnest. They also explained about a child named Hope, who had been Grond’s friend and had brought joy into his immense heart. She had been killed by the Enforcers and it was her that he had been talking about when he tore the enforcer apart with his powerful arms. Remedy appealed with me to stay on the basis that the group had already seen much heartache and that I might prove to be a steadying influence on them, a conscience to insure that some of them didn’t lose sight of what we were fighting for and to insure that they didn’t become as bad as those they were sworn to fight. I felt there words were full of merit and the team had great potential to do good in this world so lacking of that quality, so I agreed to join them. Together we headed off to there base, through a maze of back alleys and sewer lines that led us into the forbidden zone, to a run down but still functional hotel that they called home. There proper introductions were made and I promised to return when I got the chance. I headed back to my own apartment and slept a troubled sleep, the face of the man I had killed and the last sounds he made kept flashing through my mind. It will be a long time before I don’t see his face in my dreams, I guess. Eventually I did sleep though. Over the next few days, I fell into a routine, taking food and supplies out to the group at the hotel when I was able to get away without being observed. Then one day while I was visiting, we received a few new surprises, the first in the form of a book that Philosopher had found that had pictures of heroes from the olden times, before the war- pictures of Captain America, Spiderman, and John was in the book too- he was called the American Avenger, a super agent of the government agency known as Primus. The second surprise was a television broadcast that showed some of those selfsame heroes- Captain America, Spiderman, and the Ghost Rider, according to the book. I thought the tone of the broadcast seemed a little too complementary though. Thinking that it might be some kind of trap, I decided to call an old friend from school, Andy. Andy was the head of the network now, since his father had died under circumstances that I was not aware of. He was happy to hear from me and suggested I bring a friend with me for a VIP tour of the local studio- I figured while there I could use my hearing to try and pick up some info on whether or not this whole thing was real. Now I only needed to decide who to take with me- with a group as odd looking it was not too hard a choice, Amy, the superhuman known as Ghost was the only one of them able to pass as normal enough to be allowed into the station with me. It also served a secondary purpose as well- her illusory powers allowed her to effectively “mentograph†the interior of the studio while we were there. After a fairly routine visit, Andy invited us back to his office for an even larger surprise- more footage, this was of a Creature that appeared to be the legendary Hulk! The green-skinned behemoth was single-handedly destroying units of Enforcer cyborgs, their weapons apparently unable to harm him sufficiently for him to notice. But what worried Andy even more was the fact that while the creature was hemmering Enforcers into the ground, he was blocking stray shots that would have harmed the innocent bystanders in the area! Andy was not sure what to do with the footage and asked us- I knew that there was no way I could tell him what I really thought, so I opted not to suggest a solution to him. Amy, not used to living the deceit that I did, mentioned that she did not see the harm in the footage, to which Andy went a little over the top. After cooling him down a little, I suggested that Amy and I make our ‘escape’, so that we could go for a lunch that I had promised her. Andy bid us good bye and we headed out to lunch. There were a few very disturbing from the trip however, as soon as we made it to the station, I immediately realized that Andy had been outfitted with a cybernetic leg,due to my enahnced hearing, which raised a number of questions in my mind. Also, as we were leaving, I heard a voice say to trail us and we were followed as we went to lunch, though we lost them in the crowd due to Amy’s powers and hid out for awhile on top of a nearby building while we made sure we were not followed and then she flew me back to the hotel, quite a refreshing experience that was. When we got back, I thanked her and came inside, grabbing my journal so that I could make this entry. Must go now, I have just accepted a game of Yahtzee with Grond and a few of the others. Will write again later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted July 17, 2005 Report Share Posted July 17, 2005 Re: Journal Entry Number Two... That's pretty neat, pretty amusing. Any more? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted July 18, 2005 Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 Re: Journal Entry Number Two... Ahhh. I like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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