alexraccoon

Re: Jokes

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classified:

"Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let

her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man

doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life

thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to

forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for

Strength I'll just beat him to death "

Re: "Neat" Pictures

[attach]22702[/attach]

Re: Jokes

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

**********

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

Re: Help m Brainstorm: when Halloween goes bad

http://www.buffyguide.com/episodes/halloween/halloweensyn.shtml

episode synopsis

Re: Jokes

The following was created and written by humorist Shelley Berman.

It is a chapter from Berman's copyrighted book "A Hotel Is A Funny Place", Price/Stern/Sloan.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

• On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

• On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

• On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

• Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

• In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

• On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

• On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Re: Interplanetary colonies

Actually, you see things like this a lot in SciFi...particularly military ScFi(where the glorified commandos of X Unit have to go settle the long term problems caused by it)

 

Normally governments would essentially "subsidize" the transfer of whatever group they don't want around anymore. Paying part of the fee to get them away, and granting them a, sometimes hellish, world at the back end of beyond.

 

In others, groups of like-minded individuals, usually ones that no one really cares about, get together and purchase a world and move en mass all by themselves(see Gordon R Dickson's Dorsai books).

 

Basically...it COULD work, but the group in question would have to REALLy REALLY honk everybody off.

http://www.ojp.gov/bjs/pub/ascii/spe01.txt

Highlights

States spent $29.5 billion for prisons in 2001,

about a $5½ billion increase from 1996, after

adjusting for inflation

* Prison operations consumed about 77% of State correctional

costs in FY 2001. The remaining 23% was spent on juvenile

justice, probation and parole, community-based corrections,

and central office administration.

* State correctional expenditures increased 145% in 2001

constant dollars from $15.6 billion in FY 1986 to $38.2

billion in FY 2001; prison expenditures increased 150% from

$11.7 billion to $29.5 billion.

* Excluding capital spending, the average cost of operating

State prisons in FY 2001 was $100 per U.S. resident, up from

$90 in FY 1996.

* Outlays for new prison construction, renovations, equipment,

and other capital account activities amounted to less than 4%

of total prison expenditures in most States.

* Spending on medical care for State prisoners totaled $3.3

billion, or 12% of operating expenditures in 2001.

in 2001 the cost per prisoner was $22,650 per year

The group doesn't need to honk everybody off, if you can get the transfer cost per body under 22650 and the journey time isn't too great and the planet can provide some form of basic life to the transportees Then getting rid of an undesirable unproductive element is going to start looking darned attractive.

You don't need to apply this to everyone figure anyone serving over ten years

or persistent repeat offendors or even illegal immigrants who've been caught one time too many.

Re: Jokes

Why God never received a PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Re: Doesn't know his own Strength...?

How about a skill roll to use the characteristic, if they fail you merely apply a greater amount of strength eg they go to open a door and take of the handle or rip the door off its hinges or they pat someone on the back and have to take them to the emergency room.

Re: "Neat" Pictures

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

Exactly what it sounds like.

Re: Psionic metal?

From http://www.earthchildpendants.co.uk/

see a-z of stones

SILVER: Considered a psychic metal, enhancing and empowering the psychic abilities and intuition of the bearer. It is protective, calming, and has money-drawing vibrations. This metal is associated with Lunar energies.

Re: Interplanetary colonies

Sorry if this has been beaten to death here, but if someone was sending an interplanetary colony out that was expected to be on its own for a period lasting decades to possibly centuries, how many people should they pack along to try and avoid inbreeding within the first few generations? I've been told something about a '50/500' ratio but sadly, I don't know much more about it.

 

And am I wrong or would it be wisest to plan for a nasty attrition rate for the first few years until the colonists figure out the little quirks of their new home? This would of course depend on the technology available: if your tech is advanced enough, a very small group of people could be comfortable just about anywhere.

http://www.io.com/~thrash/viable.html'>http://www.io.com/~thrash/viable.html

this essay on traveller may help you

http://www.io.com/~thrash/

main site also has some stuff that 'll make you think a little

Re: Jokes

One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

Re: "Neat" Pictures

http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/photos/062706dustart/index.html

This guy doesnt clean his car he uses it as a canvas.

Re: Pulp Movie Resources

I rented the dvds for the first two Dick Barton films before christmas via amazon and they are two of the worst films I've ever seen. The acting and dialogue were downright painful. About the only thing of interest in the first was a brief cameo of Patrick Macnee.

I've always liked the Christopher Lee Fu Manchu films and I think you can obtain two of these as part of a boxed set on Christopher Lee in the US

Re: Jokes

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative

Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity

British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Re: Jokes

Paul Mc Cartney was asked yesterday, after his recent marriage

difficulties, if he would ever consider going down on one knee again

...

He said that he would prefer it if people refered to her as Heather..

Re: Jokes

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please Take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

â€Is it. A, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm Not too sure.I'll have to go 50-50."

“Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see What you're left with.

‘Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris,I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could Win £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type Of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, Boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be Taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a Blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, .

“But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Re: Jokes

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of

patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The

patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want

it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the

next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "We sleekit, cowerin,

timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks

"What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."

Re: Jokes

You realize that this is not really a joke right?

 

http://www.herogames.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37778

Somebody emailed that to us at work and I was sure it was just a gag. Just goes goes to show its a funny world we live in.

Re: "Neat" Pictures

So what do they actually keep in thase towers? Boxes of the queen's old clothes or something? Or offices? Or low-rent apartments?

This link provides more detail than you want to know but basically the towers are filled with an overhead walkway and hydraulic lifts

http://www.hartwell.demon.co.uk/tbpic.htm

Re: Jokes

Medical Advancements.....

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is considered a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Re: Jokes

Cowboy movie phrases that will never sound the same once you’ve seen Brokeback Mountain: “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!†“Give me a stiff one, barkeep!†“Don’t fret--I’ve been in tight spots before.†“Howdy, pardner.†“You stay here while I sneak around from behind.†“Saddle sore.†“Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, real slow-like.†“Let’s mount up!†“Nice spread ya got there!†“Ride ’em, cowboy!â€

Re: Jokes

http://radio.about.com/library/weekly/aa082603a.htm

RIAA Claims Music On Car Radios Meant Only For Original Vehicle Owner!!!!

Trade Group Vows To Go After Passengers Who Illegally Share Soundwaves (satire)

They shouldn't go giving them ideas

Re: Jokes

wonderful

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to input.jack again.

Re: The things I learned playing a gunbunny

Throw a grenade in first.

Always remember to pull the pin