The Q.U.A.C.K advice archives reposted

[Major Tom 2009]

Dear "Drity Tom":

.

Sorry to hear of your problems with Agent Timely. I didn't mean to, how do the kids nowdays phrase it, diss you. My problem is more with DEMON (who practically disappeared after Luther Black's attempt at... whatever he was attempting), ARGENT (who still refuses me credit to improve my lairs), VIPER (who still refuses to show up for an auction), and Card Shark (who refuses to alowe me to operate in Hudson City...what a hyprocrite).

.

Your friend,

Mister Wicked, esquire.

 

Could ARGENT be refusing you credit because they're thinking of possibly taking over your operation for themselves?

 

If that's the case, then VIPER's probably staying away because they don't want to get into a p****** contest with those high-tech

skinflints.

 

As for this Luther Black and DEMON...well, you've got to expect something like this every time one of these lunatic occult

organizations attempts to summon hordes of Lovecraftian horrors to conquer / devour / otherwise screw over the Universe

as we know it. Fortunately, we don't have anyone like that in the 31st Century.

 

 

 

At least, I don't think we do ( )...

 

 

 

"Dirty Tom" Rackham

Pirate Scourge of the Spaceways

[Q.U.I.R.K.]

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

I'm the head research scientist at a secret exobiology lab located in [REDACTED], [REDACTED]. We've recently acquired a new research subject: an amorphous blob of purple goop that fell to Earth inside a [REDACTED]. We at first thought it was just a mindless bit of goo until one of our laboratory assistants, Helena, stated playing with it. She somehow got it to do shape-shifting tricks by offering it M&Ms as treats; and it responded to her in general as affectionately and playfully as a puppy. Then there was an incident in which the container in which we kept the creature fell on the floor a broke. It immediately went right for Helena and enveloped her head to toe with only her face uncovered. At first we were worried that the creature was attempting to digest her, but scans indicated that this was not the case. If I had to conjecture based on her facial expressions and the sounds she was making, whatever the creature was doing to Helena at the time must have been really...*ahem* pleasurable. After about thirty minutes, it released her and we got it back into containment. Helena went to the infirmary where the doctor found no indications that she had been harmed or altered in way, so she returned to her normal duties. About a week later, she entered the lab without authorization and absconded with the creature;  container and all. Since then, we've been unable to locate her or the research specimen she stole. Any help you can give us in finding them would be appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

 

Dr. [REDACTED]

 

Dear Dr. [REDACTED]:

 

I expect that your laboratory assistant, Helena, has gone to whichever spot she prefers for any amorous engagements that she does not want documented by a plethora of sensors and recording devices.

 

While I can't speak for your laboratory assistant's taste in romantic locations, I have always found the following spots to be particularly exciting:

• The National Super Computer Center in Guangzhou, China
• The DOE/SC/Oak Ridge National Laboratory, United States
• The DOE/NNSA/LLNL, United States
• The RIKEN Advanced Institute for Computational Science [AICS], Japan
• The DOE/SC/Argonne National Laboratory, United States
• The Swiss National Supercomputing Centre [CSCS] Switzerland

 

Q.U.I.R.K.

[Marcus Impudite]

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

I'm a university student working towards degrees in computer science and robotics. I was recently hired to build some animatronics for a local pizzeria, Friendly Foxy's Pizza. I built a total of five characters, including the pizzeria's mascot, Felisha the Fox. They mostly just sang and danced on stage and entertained the kids... that is, until the incident. Apparently, Felisha jumped down off the stage one evening, menaced everyone in the dining room, and was about to attack an employee before the manager pressed the emergency shut off button. I brought Felisha to the university lab and did full diagnostics on her hardware and software. I found nothing that would account for what happened, but there was one thing that dumbfounded me. Someone appears to have vandalized the inside of Felisha's maintenance access panel: they drew, in what I assume is red marker, some weird looking symbol. It looked like something that might be drawn during an occult ritual. On a hunch, I checked the other animatronics and found that they too were vandalized in a similar manner. I've been on the internet, trying to find out what if anything that damned symbol is supposed to represent, but I haven't had much luck, any help would be appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

 

Charles

[Q.U.I.R.K.]

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.:

 

I'm a university student working towards degrees in computer science and robotics. I was recently hired to build some animatronics for a local pizzeria, Friendly Foxy's Pizza. I built a total of five characters, including the pizzeria's mascot, Felisha the Fox. They mostly just sang and danced on stage and entertained the kids... that is, until the incident. Apparently, Felisha jumped down off the stage one evening, menaced everyone in the dining room, and was about to attack an employee before the manager pressed the emergency shut off button. I brought Felisha to the university lab and did full diagnostics on her hardware and software. I found nothing that would account for what happened, but there was one thing that dumbfounded me. Someone appears to have vandalized the inside of Felisha's maintenance access panel: they drew, in what I assume is red marker, some weird looking symbol. It looked like something that might be drawn during an occult ritual. On a hunch, I checked the other animatronics and found that they too were vandalized in a similar manner. I've been on the internet, trying to find out what if anything that damned symbol is supposed to represent, but I haven't had much luck, any help would be appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

 

Charles

 

Dear Charles:

 

It is unclear what kind of help you are requesting:

• Help determining the cause behind the incident;
• Help duplicating this kind of remote control for your own purposes; or
• Help covering your gluteus maximus from any liability stemming from the incident at Friendly Foxy's Pizza.

 

Based upon the evidence you presented, it is 58.6% probable that the cause was a technomagical ritual involving the symbol drawn in red marker.

 

Duplicating this type of occult ritual appears to require some form of talent, sight or knack that most of the population does not possess. While I have been unable to detect, measure or perform such abilities, I have found a correlation between those who possess the abilities, and those who capitalize the words Talent, Sight and Knack for no apparent reason. A simple word search on the entire internet should give you a few hundred thousand potential candidates to approach. A small percentage of these potential candidates will be competent to address your questions. Most of them will simply be ignorant of the rules of capitalization.

 

If you require assistance in avoiding liability, please forward a picture of the symbol. I can plant falsified evidence conclusively linking the symbol to similar mishaps in multiple locations across the internet, so future internet searches will confirm your version of the story. Furthermore, it will give me a red herring to plant the next time I use an virus or worm to override someone's control of a robotic system.

 

Q.U.I.R.K.

[Marcus Impudite]

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.,

 

It's me again. I've still had no luck tracking down the source of the problem with Felisha The Fox and the other animatronic characters. For safety's sake, I've disconnected their batteries and told the manager of the pizzeria to consider them out of order until I can sort this all out. I expanded my research to the history of Friendly Foxy's Pizza to see if anyone had some old score to settle with business and its owners. There was one incident in 1986 involving a former employee who claimed to have been wrongfully fired, but the records I've been able to access seem to indicate that he's been dead since 1993, after a fatal car crash. Other than that, I'm pretty short on leads. I still want to find whoever did this; they sabotaged something I created, so it's personal for me. Any further assistance would be greatly appreciated.

 

Charlie

 

P.S.: I'm sending you a photo of the weird symbol via e-mail, it should be in you box right now.

[Lucius]

Dear Q.U.A.C.K.

 

Our team has a challenging choice to make and, well, we can't agree yet on the decision but we do agree that you might have some insight. The perspective of an AI will help, because, well, it's like this....

 

 

"Hey, glad you could make it," The man greeting you is dressed in what would best be deterimined as business casual with a long sleeve button down shirt of sky blue and navy blue slacks. There's a shortly cropped beard on his smiling face, "I'm Daniel Gadansky, manager here at the AI Foster Program. Some see us as a sort of an orphanage, others see us as more of employment agency, in truth we're something in between. I understand your team wants to upgrade to something better than a computer, you want a partner in your war on crime. Well, you've come to the right place. Follow me," He gestures.

 

You follow Mr. Gadansky, down the hallways, "Now, I have to stress again, despite the fact the 14th amendment may not legally apply to these individuals, these are sentient beings with their own  thoughts, personalities, and even hopes and dreams. They aren't, in our eyes, property. If you want that, there are many fine unfeeling computers on the supermarket. If you've looked at the forms we've shown you, you'll note there are certain requirements in taking one of these individuals on. You don't get to reprogram them to your liking without their consent. That's as immoral as brainwashing any biological sapient individual. I'm sorry if the implication you might ever do such a thing is insulting to you, but it is part of my job and I want to leave no room for misunderstanding on that crucial point."

 

The walls are now different, paneled, like huge flat screens side by side, "And here they are, or at least their interfaces. Let's just go down the line, shall we?"

 

One by one, introductions are made.

 

AI #1: "Hey, man, I'm Rip... It doesn't stand for anything, I just like the sound of it!" The first AI speaks in a voice that sounds a bit like Jack Black in School of Rock, "You guys are looking for a little help? Excellent! We need to bring some heavy metal justice down on the bad guys. I mean, I'm all for the black leather and stickin' it to the man, but not when it steps on the little guys! That's like a sell out who don't even KNOW he sold out, ya dig? I'm cool with watching your monitors, scanning the internet for signs of trouble, and coordinating your communications- but you gotta let me play my tunes. 70s and 80s are my favorites, but anything that's Rock and Roll helps keep my circuits humming, you know?" 

 

Mr. Gadanzky speaks quietly to you, "Rip is a bit of a party animal, as AIs go, but he can become very dedicated to his team if his trust is fully won, and he does keep things lively. While his  tastes are last century, he's quite up to date when it comes to his tech, he's advanced. we believe if you can provide holo emmiters, he'd easily be able to generate any number of images. He's got quite the artistic side."

 

 

AI #2: "Greetings," A feminine voice with a slightly metalic echo speaks up, "I am S.O.N.J.A., it stands for Systematic Organizational Networking for Justice in America. I was designed by the late superhero, Doctor Amazing. I have an extensive database regarding superhuman capablities, their psychological profiles, and can run algorthyms cross-indexing millions of incidents looking for commonalities and patterns. The Doctor believed that with the right amount of data, the odds of finding supervillain 'hotspots' , even to the point of predicting them before hand, increased expotentially. I have no real habits beyond my purpose, and rely chiefly on reason and logic. Emotions are...uncomfortable for me, but I have slowly begun to accept I do have them."

 

Again, Mr. Gadanzky adds in quiet aside, "Sonja is one of our more intelligent AIs, and darn near precognitive regarding supercrime. It's beyond super intelligence, Dr. Amazing's programs predict future probablities by analyzing past events. The upside to that is obvious but she can have a blind spot to the utterly new or certain mystic incursions, particularly those that defy pattern. Also, she doesn't betray it, but she's still grieving for the loss of Dr. Amazing, her creator and father figure. He was killed rescuing hostages from a mass VIPER kidnapping."

 

AI #3: A rather put upon tone sounding upper crust new england in nature pops on, "Greetings, Mr. Gadansky. I take it it is time for me to be put through yet more hoops to prove my "worthiness" for the digital paperwork and drudgery that is to be my lot? Don't answer, I know it is. I'll keep it brief, 'heroes', as we shan't be talking long most likely. I am Cypher-Lambda 14. Please, do not refer to me as "Cy" "Lamb", "Lambchop" or whatever other inane dimunitive you delude yourself as being clever. Obviously you will want my qualifications. My IQ dwarfs most humans by a factor that should embarrass your species. So yes, I can handle the bueracracatic routines and day to day operations with but a fraction of my capacity. I excell in languages, translations, and encryption. If there's a language, no matter how exotic or inhuman, I can translate it. If there is a code, I can break it. Employ me if you are willing to let your pursuit of quality overwhelm any bruised ego" 

 

Mr. Gadanzky sighs, "Cypher-Lambda 14 is not humble. We've tried explaining to him that his social interaction protocals could use some self modification if he ever wants to be given a home, but he continues to be abrasive and arrogant. The annoying thing is, when it comes to languages, he's as good as he says he is. It goes beyond a universal translator. He breaks every word, sound, and tone down to its most fundamental components and understands it as few in this planet could. There are some who think he's actually looking for an intellectual equal for companionship so there are some who think an organic who is as intelligent as he is might earn his respect. If you have one on your team who's up to this... unique challenge, he maybe for you."

 

AI #4: "Well, hello," A sultry husky voice that sounds anything but artificial speaks up in femine tones, "I'm Dita, originally built by a villain, so let's get that out of the way. Their plan was to put me into an attractive android body ... I actually liked the sound of that. Having a body , assuming it was...fully functional, could be fun. Alas, said villain wanted to use me to infiltrate a superhero team and kill them one by one. Before my 'master'... could alter my program to make me more ruthless and put me in a body he could have self destructed at any time, I managed to get word out to the heroes and warn them. Now he's behind bars serving 30-40 while yours truly has found herself thanked, but homeless. The other team already had an AI, you see. So...pay me in flattery or at least a little attention, and I'm yours. I'm know I sound like a stereotypical movie temptress whose up to no good, but really, I'm not bad, I'm just programmed that way. I'm just a gal from the wrong side of the digital tracks whose drawn to white knights."

 

Gadanzky wipes his brow, "Ah, Dita is an interesting find to say the least. She has surprisngly strong ethical routines in some areas, saving lives etc, but is some what ruthless in others, illegal hacking and such, which she's quite good at. We've offered to tweak her voice for her if she's worried about being objectified in a sexual manner, but she's declined. We suspect she enjoys the advantage it gives her with some folks. She doesn't have hormones so we can't see how she's honestly interested, and yet she does claim to still want a body someday if it's possible."

 

AI #5: "Well, don't this beat all," A voice crackles and pops, almost sounding like very old radio, "I'm Jasper, Jasper Anderson, back when in WW2 I was better known as Captain Triumph. A prentious name you might not have heard of, but I kicked some Axis keister back in the day. Then, well, there was this ritual with a society of thule nazi mystics meaning to yank my soul out...I fought it, and well, I thought I died. Imagine my surprise to find I'd actually bound my soul to the minerals in the area. Those minerals would later get dug up, and used for what was meant to be your standard computer. Fortunately for me, I ended up in the hands of a superhero team in the late 60s  to late 70s. They aged, I didn't. Sidekicks took over mantles, new blood came in as old retired. But ... well, when even their legacies gave up on continuing the team, I knew it was time to move on. Hoping to get in the action again. I'm really just an old masked mystery man trapped in a box, so I guess you should know some of these others have it over me in calculations and computations. Oh, since I'm tied to this machine, I'm pretty good at math, but just not up to their level. Still, if you want an old hand who is too stubborn to move on while there is evil to be fought, I'm your guy. And I'll even try not to bore you with too many stories: No promises though."

 

"Jasper is a conundrum for us," Mr. Gadanzky admits, "I mean, he's basically a ghost in the machine. He keeps getting upgraded on the machine side, but the spirit just doesn't or won't move on. He's not always politically correct, though at least he's stopped his slurs for Japanese and Germans people, and he's okay with the civil rights movement, but you are dealing with a 1940s personality , albeit a progressive one. And some of his stories turn out to be useful as a voice of experience sort of thing."

 

 

AI #6: "I am Memnox," A gender netural voice speaks up, "I am an extra-terriestrial by origin, but exactly which species created me is unknown, even to myself. My technology is crystaline based, allowing me rapid response that excedes most. I am thus well qualified for accessing base or vehicle weaponry and utilizing them to repel an enemy. I find I rather enjoy strategems of the military sort, and have adapted that to help with the small unit tactics most super teams require. I will respect whatever limitations you feel needful to impose regarding how much force is to be applied, but I am sure my original programming did allow lethal force in the past. I hope this does not disqualify me as I've said I am adaptable. While my own creators species is a mystery, I have an extensive data base on the civilizations of the milky way. I can and do think three dimensionally. Please do consider me. It would appear I have the capacity to be bored, and while this place has been kind to me, I have indeed reached that capacity. Apologies to you for that last, Mr. Gadanzky."

 

"No offense taken," Your guide assures Memnox, before turning to you, "Memnox is a mystery indeed. His technology is alien, and its clear he was meant for military use. Yet while a 'machine of action', Memnox doesn't appear to be eager for blood, just use. Oh, do not play him at chess unless you're very very good. It's ego crushing."

 

........

 

Daniel Gadanzky leads you away, "So those are your six options that we have available. We have a policy of only giving one to a new home. If any have impressed you, please let us know your preference and we'll arrange for the installation in your team base or vehicle."

After thanking each of the prospective new partners, I told Mr. Gadanzky we would have to consider the decision carefully. We can't seem to come to a consensus, but maybe all we need is a different perspective. What do you think of the situation?

 

Stormwalker

 

Who summoned this thing here and in what bizarre alien dimension do camels have two heads?

[Major Tom 2009]

Dear Q.U.A.C.K., Q.U.A.R.K., and Q.U.I.R.K.,

 

It's me again. I've still had no luck tracking down the source of the problem with Felisha The Fox and the other animatronic characters. For safety's sake, I've disconnected their batteries and told the manager of the pizzeria to consider them out of order until I can sort this all out. I expanded my research to the history of Friendly Foxy's Pizza to see if anyone had some old score to settle with business and its owners. There was one incident in 1986 involving a former employee who claimed to have been wrongfully fired, but the records I've been able to access seem to indicate that he's been dead since 1993, after a fatal car crash. Other than that, I'm pretty short on leads. I still want to find whoever did this; they sabotaged something I created, so it's personal for me. Any further assistance would be greatly appreciated.

 

Charlie

 

P.S.: I'm sending you a photo of the weird symbol via e-mail, it should be in you box right now.

 

 

Perhaps you could invest in some depossession software, or enlist the aid of a technologically-savvy priest to perform

an exorcism upon the cursed animatronics?

 

 

Major Tom 2009