Ockham's Spoon

Two gentlemen are walking along the pavement to their club.
Two attractive ladies appear in the distance, walking the opposite direction.
As they get closer, the gentlemen and ladies give each other appreciative, appraising glances.
As they pass, no words are exchanged, but the nice ladies smile, and the gents tip their hats. Both ladies and gents continue in the direction they were headed.
After a few moments, with the ladies well out of ear-shot, one gent says to the other: “What the bloody Hell?! I could swear we just passed my wife and my mistress!”
And the other responds, “Jove! I was thinking the same thing!”

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
 
A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

The police asked me, "Where were you between three and five?"
 
I said, "Preschool."

Trojans is a terrible brand name for condoms.  It is basically named after something the penetrated a stronghold through deception and then broke open and a swarm of little guys poured out and screwed everyone's day up.

Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full.

Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty.
 
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Instead of telling people, "Have a nice day!", I have begun saying, "Enjoy your next 24 hours."
 
I don't understand why people are looking at me like I'm a serial killer.

Falcons live 12-15 years.
 
This means that every falcon alive today was born in the 21st century.
 
They are all Millennial Falcons.

Falcons live 12-15 years.
 
This means that every falcon alive today was born in the 21st century.
 
They are all Millennial Falcons.

Falcons live 12-15 years.
 
This means that every falcon alive today was born in the 21st century.
 
They are all Millennial Falcons.

Falcons live 12-15 years.
 
This means that every falcon alive today was born in the 21st century.
 
They are all Millennial Falcons.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year when Esther and Morris went to the fair Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. This might be my last chance to ride that helicopter." Esther replied, "That helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! If you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers and daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

The Institute For Unfinished Research has concluded that six out of ten people

.

There is  long history of characters having a single dehabilitating weakness.  Bram Stokers Dracula had multiple weakness including being destroyed by sunlight.  Werewolves being harmed by silver and the fey being harmed by iron also predate the appearance of superman.  Then there is the most famous disadvantage in history.  The term Achilles Heel comes from the Greek mythology that is thousands of years old.  Giving superman credit for the idea a character having a weakness is ignoring a long history of other characters having weaknesses.  
 
Even in gaming there are numerous examples of this.   When AD&D first came out Magic Users could not use armor and clerics were limited to specific weapons.  Champions might have been the first that gave players the choice of what their weakness was but is not the first to build weaknesses into characters.  
 

Got a text from my girlfriend saying she was breaking up with me. 
I was so relieved when a few minutes later when she texted me again "sorry wrong number"
 
 
 
Wait a minute...

Giving a movie villain a PhD works well regardless of your audience.
 
People without a PhD: "Oh, they are showing that the villain is really smart.  Makes sense."
 
People with a PhD: "Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness.  Makes sense."