Jokes

[Dust Raven]

Everybody likes jokes. Here is a thread to post your favorite or most recently heard jokes. Here's one I heard today:

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now"

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car

and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

 

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug

through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

 

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

 

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

 

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it

and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

 

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go; I didn't realize you were a cop."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Object Gender: Ziploc Bags? Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. Copiers? Female, because once they're turned off, they take a while to warm up again. Hot Air Balloon? Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it. Sponges? Female, of course: they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. Subway? Male, because every day it uses the same old lines to pick people up. Web Page? Female, because they're always getting hit on. Hammer? Male, because even though it hasn't changed in 5,000 years, it's still handy to keep around. Hourglass? Female, because over time its weight shifts to the bottom. Remote Control? Female. You might think it should be male, but just think about how much pleasure it brings a man and how he'd be lost without it!

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

On their golden wedding anniversary, an elderly couple, childhood sweethearts who had married and settled down in their old neighborhood, decided to visit their high school. As they walked home hand-in-hand, they noticed a bank bag lying in the gutter. Sally picked it up and they hurried home. They opened it and inside was fifty thousand dollars! Billy said, "We should take it to the police." Sally said, "Finders, keepers!" and she hid the bag of cash in their attic. The next day, two FBI men showed up. "We're investigating a big bank robbery yesterday. Have either of you seen a bag of money?" Simultaneously, Sally said, "No" as Billy said, "Yes." Billy recovered first. "She's lying. She hid it in our attic." She said, "Don't believe him. He's senile." The agents looked serious. "Okay, sir, why don't you just start at the very beginning and tell us the whole story." Billy began, "Yesterday, when Sally and I were walking home from school..." The agent interrupted, "That's it. We're outta here..."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

The boy is holding a 2p coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going

blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin

and starts panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business

suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of

coffee.

 

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,

neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her

seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the

boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then

ever so firmly.

 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 2p coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and

walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father

rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never

seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

 

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer".

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,

trade named: BOOK

 

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no

wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be

connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child

can operate it.

 

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even

sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful

enough to hold as much info as a CD-ROM disc. Here's

how it works:

 

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper

(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of

info. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit

device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their

correct sequence.

 

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use

both sides of the sheet, doubling the info density

and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for

further increases in info density; for now, BOOKs

with more info simply use more pages.

 

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering info

directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to

the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used

merely by opening it.

 

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires

rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or

stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable

if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The

"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet

and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an

"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of

selected info for instant retrieval.

 

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to

the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if

the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design

standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by

various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can

be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous

views at once. The number is limited only by the number of

pages in the BOOK.

 

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries

with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib

Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

 

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a

precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal

seems so certain that thousands of content creators have

committed to the platform and investors are reportedly

flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

"You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later."

 

Sorry, man, I tried!

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

MEMO FROM: Bin Laden, Osama.

 

TO: Al Qaeda Fighters.

 

SUBJECT: The Cave

 

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently and we've really

come together as a group, I love that! However, while we are fighting a

jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few

concerns:

 

First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we

should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid

excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep

the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've

posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal

toaster/griller).

 

Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to

scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that

while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or

keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.

 

Third: Food. I bought a box of Bega cheese recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy"

on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my

Bega slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

 

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance

ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And Please - do not chant

"Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

 

Fifth: Graffiti. Who wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall?

It's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the

edge of the mountain.

 

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that

the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of

the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a

grey area).

 

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying

to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First

patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

 

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

 

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.

Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Three Clergymen & A Bear

 

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi were chaplains to the students of a Northern

Michigan University and got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.

A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

 

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into

the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

 

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

" Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read

to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me

around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he

became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't

sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's

HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we

began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came

to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,

he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."

 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body

cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

 

The rabbi looks up and says,

"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Starlord]

Re: Jokes

 

Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that' date=' man was a complete mess![/quote']

 

Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the Earth.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Marine Date

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

 

I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

 

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

 

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

 

Martha: "Goodness gracious! .. . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

A charity panto in aid of paranoid schizophrenics ended in chaos yesterday when someone shouted ’he’s behind you!!’

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Guys,

 

 

 

 

 

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

 

 

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

 

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

 

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

 

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

 

 

 

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.

 

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 

 

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 

 

 

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

They're Back!--Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with

typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were

announced in church services:

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the

recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those

things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a

conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone

who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious

pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery

downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help

they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:

"Break Forth Into Joy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So

ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will

follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several

new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person

you want remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and

gracious hostility.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be

seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from

the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are

invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend

him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the

back door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church

basement Friday at PAM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please

use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan

last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"

---------------------------------

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Thanks for the laugh.

 

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to alexraccoon again.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. How do they manage to attract so many guys willing to blow themselves up?

 

 

Let's see now. . . . .

 

No Christmas

 

No television

 

No cheerleaders

 

No football

 

No golf

 

No K-Mart

 

No pork BBQ

 

No burgers

 

No chocolate chip cookies

 

No lobster

 

No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

 

No Beer

 

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

 

More than one wife. More than one mother in law

 

You can't shave.

 

Your wives can't shave.

 

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

 

Your bride is picked by someone else.

 

She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

 

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

 

I mean, really, is there a mystery here, HELLO?

 

Being a Suicide Bomber must seem like an attractive alternative to living!

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Scatter one hundred bricks in a room with an open window, send in your newly hired employees, close the door, then return at the end of the day and analyze the bricks. If they counted the bricks, put them in accounting. If they counted and recounted the bricks, put them in auditing. If they messed up the bricks, put them in engineering. If they arranged the bricks in a unique way, put them in planning. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations. If they are sleeping, put them in reception. If they broke the bricks to tiny pieces, put them in information technology. If they are sitting and talking about the bricks, put them in human resources. If they claim to have tried different combinations, yet not a brick is moved, put them in sales. If they have already gone home, put them in marketing. And finally: if they are just sitting around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, put them in upper management.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

 

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been

causing

quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of

behavior

and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of

our

stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance

equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the

trouble

your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been

compiled and are listed below.

 

Mr. Wally Brown, President and CEO of Wal Mart Complaint Department

 

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done

while

his spouse is shopping:

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

people's

carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute

intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

Rest

rooms.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

tone,

'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of

Smarties

on lay away.

 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted

area.

 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told

other

shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding

department.

 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to

cry

and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

mirror,

and picked his nose.

 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked

the

clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming

the

"Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"

using

different size funnels.

 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse

through,

yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

(And; last, but not least!)

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited

a

while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[input.jack]

Re: Jokes

 

*Roflmao*

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

 

 

 

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

 

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

 

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

 

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

 

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

 

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

 

The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded

staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting

there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to

eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the

young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

place

and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom

and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he

immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say

in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you

tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I

know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old

guy handled it:

 

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he

approached the desk, the receptionist said,

"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said,

"You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like

that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied,

"You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of

people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear

or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,

if the answer could embarrass anyone."

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

 

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

 

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[Alibear]

Re: Jokes

 

Subject: Absolutely Hilarious!!!

 

 

 

Australian radio - This is absolutely hilarious !!!!!

 

 

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydneyfolks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

 

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game

is called"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they

are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant

answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal

questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their

partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers

those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One

particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big

Shouldersdrop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest

thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

 

 

 

 

 

 

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

 

 

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

 

 

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip tothe Gold Coast if

you win. What is your name? First only please."

 

 

Contestant: "Brian."

 

 

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

 

 

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

 

 

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

 

 

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

 

 

Brian: "Sara."

 

 

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

 

 

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

 

 

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

 

 

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

 

 

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

 

 

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

 

 

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

 

 

Brian: "About 8 o'clockthis morning."

 

 

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

 

 

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

 

 

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

 

 

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

 

 

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

 

 

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

 

 

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?"

 

 

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

 

 

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

 

 

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with

us for a couple of weeks..."

 

 

DJ: "Uh huh..."

 

 

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

 

 

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

 

 

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

 

 

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous

hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold,

get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

 

 

3 minutes of commercials follow.

 

 

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

 

 

(touch tones.....ringing....)

 

 

Clerk: "Kinko's."

 

 

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

 

 

Clerk: "This is she."

 

 

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right Now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

 

 

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

 

 

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not

to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know

the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

 

 

Sarah: "No."

 

 

DJ: "Good!"

 

 

Brian: (laughing)

 

 

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

 

 

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

 

 

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.

If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will

be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

 

 

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

 

 

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

 

 

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

 

 

DJ: "What time?"

 

 

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

 

 

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

 

 

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

 

 

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his manhood. We've got one last question,Sarah. You are one question

away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

 

 

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

 

 

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

 

 

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

 

 

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

 

 

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

 

 

Sarah: "Well..."

 

 

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

 

 

Sarah: "Up the ****....."

 

 

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break