Drhoz

Trope might be older than you think too - see HP Lovecraft's story Medusa's Coils. Or rather, don't see it - it's one of his worst works, and the racism is egregious even for Lovecraft. 

Terzo's friend Bertuscio, lawyer with a night job of vigilante. The portrait was him 20 years ago, so the Beard of Awesome is no longer ginger.
 

Terzo's friend Bertuscio, lawyer with a night job of vigilante. The portrait was him 20 years ago, so the Beard of Awesome is no longer ginger.
 

Pathfinder - Hell's Rebels : A Song Of Silver
 
Rajira’s player: I must say I’m impressed by this module - not many reuse maps in a sensible fashion.
Terzo’s player: Well, it’s probably going to be a museum of the Rebellion once everything settles down
Rajira’s player: At least that’s a step up from tourist trap.
Ayva’s player: It’s been a headquarters for evil cultists twice. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice. 
 
Terzo and Rajira press their ears to the next door, and can hear some shuffling and invoking of verbal spell components. We all rush in before they can set up anything as nasty as we would in their situation. The remaining cultists have already retreated into the adjacent chamber, but that doesn’t stop Rajira neatly sniping somebody messing with a component pouch. They probably shouldn’t be gushing green blood, but that's more likely to be the result of Rajira’s venom rather than anything inherent in their own biology. Mahat rushes it to apply some more close-range violence and discovers that one of the spells the enemy were casting was Invisibility on some of the Skinsaw Cultists. The fight rapidly devolves into massed spellfire in and out of the doorway, and our respective combat monsters get into a scrum. Combat monsters like a Summoned Dire Tiger. 
 
Civilla OoC: I summoned a Shadow Blender.
 
One of the people on the other side looks familiar - we may have met her at that dinner party in Vyre. Mind you, she is currently in her Hybrid Wererat form, so we don’t know for sure.
 
Shimza: I want to go home, I've got a craving for souls of the damned. Or pickles.
Rajira: Why not both?
 
Terzo does have to uncomfortably close to the melee to apply medical aid. Mahat certainly needs it.
 
Mahat: I get by with a little help from my friends.
Terzo: That may well be, but do you get high with a little help from a Euphoric Cloud?
Rajira: Probably not, he’s got a racial resistance to Poison effects.
 
Mahat: Set kukri to ‘frappe’.
 
The mysterious wererat woman from Vyre does try to flee, and we catch up with her as she is frantically trying to open the door that Civilla Arcane Locked earlier.
 
Hei-Fen: *rattle rattle rattle* SH**!
Terzo: Have you tried ‘pull’ not ‘push’?
Dire Tiger: BIG RODENT *POUNCE, CLAW CLAW BITE RAKE RAKE*
 
Civilla abuses a few magical tricks to try and get some answers out of the Vyrish rat-lady, since the Dire Tiger got a bit enthusiastic with the gut-raking, but her departing spirit seems unwilling to co-operate.
 
Hei-Fen’s Corpse: F*** yoooooou… *blegh*
 
Shimza hands out little pieces of paper to everybody still bleeding from our various wounds.
 
Shimza: Hold this until I tell you to open it.
Ayva: This just says ‘Feugo-’*FWOOM*
 
Having a Phoenix-blooded changeling in the party is so useful sometimes. Even though it’s always startling when a fireball goes off in your hand and you feel better afterwards.
 
Shimza: What do I do with the other hundred of these Fire Traps?
 
Maybe they’ll be useful in her and Civilla’s long term plans to become the Immortal Witch-Queens of Kintargo. They’re already attracting a coven. When these are the kind of characters playing on the 'good' side of the Rebellion, you're already right to be concerned by the players' plans for the Hell's Vengeance campaign, when the PCs are working the Chellish side of events.
 
We’ll have to cart all these bodies downstairs to decapitate and bury (read: feed to a giant chthonic amphibian) anyway - it’ll make it much harder for anybody to interrogate them, for one thing. Especially if we dispose of the heads elsewhere. Of course given how many people we’ve got rid of down here previously, the psychic signature of the Hidden Monastery must be getting a bit polluted.
 
Civilla: There may be a haunting problem here later. 
 
We do find something of particular interest on Hei-Fen’s body. A contract, signed by Barzillai Thrune himself, promising that the Inquisitor and his underlings will turn a blind eye to the cult’s activities, as long as they use their ritual murders to destabilise the situation in Kintargo.
 
Rajira: Oh ho, we’re going to get SO much use out of that.
Ayva: Chelaxian bureaucracy wins again. They record EVERYTHING.
 
Barzillai will probably guess that the Silver Ravens or most accurately the Ghosts of Kintargo are at it again when the entire Skinsaw cult vanishes off the face of the planet. Certainly, without the threat of horrible murder and mutilation for anybody breaking curfew his grip on the city crumbles still further.
 

What a relief, Hell's Rebels Season Four didn't end on a cliffhanger and actually got renewed. (sorry for the very long but unavoidable gap since the last session) 
 
When last we met, Barzillai Thrune's fascist state was being rapidly unravelled by a coalition of artists, intellectuals, and sexual deviants. In particular the Skinsaw Cultists that Thrune imported are being demoralised and in some cases caramelised by our ambush inside Hocus' Phantasmogorium, and they're attempting to get behind us to counterattack. They don't know the building and its secret passages as well as we do. 
 
They also don't know that Civilla has Arcane Locked the front and side doors.
 
Rajira: We don’t want any of them escaping after all.
 
Rajira: So, Civilla, how does this ‘Hungry Earth’ work?
Civilla: Indiscriminately, as far as I know.
 
SOMEBODY on the other side of the next wall knows about the secret doors, and is loudly abusing the rest of the cultists, as we get into position to ambush them again. 
 
GM: I don’t think any of them have even SEEN you yet.
 
Mahat throws the door open and everybody who can throws AoE spells into the room, regardless of any works of art or furnishings still left from the original business.
 
Shimza: FIREBALL
Ayva: Those belong in a museum. 🙁
Rajira: This isn’t a museum, it's a tourist trap.
Civilla: FIREBALL
Ayva: Would a third fireball be a bit much?
Rajira: I don’t think so.
Ayva: FIREBALL. The solution to many problems.
 
Mahat can see the Skinsaw leader - she’s a beautiful humanoid with spider legs behind her.
 
Mahat: Well that's OK, I’m a snake man myself. You’re something, but I really don’t care what. Hey people, Spider Person!
 
After the explosions a significant proportion of the next room is glowing a dull red.
 
Ayva: We’ll consider that difficult ground, shall we?
 
The surviving latecomers from the first room take note of the repeated KABOOMS, reconsider some of their life choices, and instead look for somewhere to hide. The Spiderwoman seems to have avoided most of the conflagration, however. She attempts to Web Mahat, which at least is thematically appropriate. Rajira attempts to Fly behind her, and gets bitten. Despite her species' naturally toxic nature, she is Poisoned, and now has all the mental acuity of a poisonous mushroom.  Bertuscio doesn’t achieve much either. Terzo attempts a Blistering Invective to set the Spiderwoman on fire.
 
Terzo: Could you do us all a small favour and JUST DIE? *Intimidate check fails* I don’t think she’s going to oblige us.
 
GM: The Spiderwoman attempts a ‘if I’m going down I’m going to take you down with me’ and is now realising she cannot, in fact, take you down with her.
 
Rajira starts shaking off the venom while her cousin starts cutting off all extraneous limbs off the Spiderwoman.
 
Rajira OoC: A Restoration would be appreciated right now.
Civilla OoC: Shimza has a few bottles of Cleric in a Can.
Rajira OoC: Useful when we don’t have a cleric in the party.
Civilla OoC: Better! They don’t complain, b***h, or demand a tithe.
 
Bertuscio and Terzo get repeatedly referred to  as Bert and Ernie. Which is less than ideal since Bertuscio skill with a whip now get him pictured as Bert in a Gimp suit.
 
Terzo's player: Thank you SO much for that.
Ayva's player: Now you know what it's like living in my head.
 
Mahat and Bertuscio hunt down the cultists that think they can hide.
 
Mahat: Did you HAVE to get their blood all over me?
Ayva OoC: ‘Only when it’s funny’
Rajira OoC: Which is itself amusing because Mahat has no sense of humour.
 
Of course, there’s still half the museum to scour clean of murder-cultists. And we have no idea if they’re using the underground monastery for their own foul purposes.
 

What a relief, Hell's Rebels Season Four didn't end on a cliffhanger and actually got renewed. (sorry for the very long but unavoidable gap since the last session) 
 
When last we met, Barzillai Thrune's fascist state was being rapidly unravelled by a coalition of artists, intellectuals, and sexual deviants. In particular the Skinsaw Cultists that Thrune imported are being demoralised and in some cases caramelised by our ambush inside Hocus' Phantasmogorium, and they're attempting to get behind us to counterattack. They don't know the building and its secret passages as well as we do. 
 
They also don't know that Civilla has Arcane Locked the front and side doors.
 
Rajira: We don’t want any of them escaping after all.
 
Rajira: So, Civilla, how does this ‘Hungry Earth’ work?
Civilla: Indiscriminately, as far as I know.
 
SOMEBODY on the other side of the next wall knows about the secret doors, and is loudly abusing the rest of the cultists, as we get into position to ambush them again. 
 
GM: I don’t think any of them have even SEEN you yet.
 
Mahat throws the door open and everybody who can throws AoE spells into the room, regardless of any works of art or furnishings still left from the original business.
 
Shimza: FIREBALL
Ayva: Those belong in a museum. 🙁
Rajira: This isn’t a museum, it's a tourist trap.
Civilla: FIREBALL
Ayva: Would a third fireball be a bit much?
Rajira: I don’t think so.
Ayva: FIREBALL. The solution to many problems.
 
Mahat can see the Skinsaw leader - she’s a beautiful humanoid with spider legs behind her.
 
Mahat: Well that's OK, I’m a snake man myself. You’re something, but I really don’t care what. Hey people, Spider Person!
 
After the explosions a significant proportion of the next room is glowing a dull red.
 
Ayva: We’ll consider that difficult ground, shall we?
 
The surviving latecomers from the first room take note of the repeated KABOOMS, reconsider some of their life choices, and instead look for somewhere to hide. The Spiderwoman seems to have avoided most of the conflagration, however. She attempts to Web Mahat, which at least is thematically appropriate. Rajira attempts to Fly behind her, and gets bitten. Despite her species' naturally toxic nature, she is Poisoned, and now has all the mental acuity of a poisonous mushroom.  Bertuscio doesn’t achieve much either. Terzo attempts a Blistering Invective to set the Spiderwoman on fire.
 
Terzo: Could you do us all a small favour and JUST DIE? *Intimidate check fails* I don’t think she’s going to oblige us.
 
GM: The Spiderwoman attempts a ‘if I’m going down I’m going to take you down with me’ and is now realising she cannot, in fact, take you down with her.
 
Rajira starts shaking off the venom while her cousin starts cutting off all extraneous limbs off the Spiderwoman.
 
Rajira OoC: A Restoration would be appreciated right now.
Civilla OoC: Shimza has a few bottles of Cleric in a Can.
Rajira OoC: Useful when we don’t have a cleric in the party.
Civilla OoC: Better! They don’t complain, b***h, or demand a tithe.
 
Bertuscio and Terzo get repeatedly referred to  as Bert and Ernie. Which is less than ideal since Bertuscio skill with a whip now get him pictured as Bert in a Gimp suit.
 
Terzo's player: Thank you SO much for that.
Ayva's player: Now you know what it's like living in my head.
 
Mahat and Bertuscio hunt down the cultists that think they can hide.
 
Mahat: Did you HAVE to get their blood all over me?
Ayva OoC: ‘Only when it’s funny’
Rajira OoC: Which is itself amusing because Mahat has no sense of humour.
 
Of course, there’s still half the museum to scour clean of murder-cultists. And we have no idea if they’re using the underground monastery for their own foul purposes.
 

Chronicles of Selversgard Pt.20
 
19th of Pharast 4719
 
The eve of the Spring Equinox, when the Mayorship will be handed over from Blake to Kragor, Nothing of any note happened under his leadership, apart from the outbreak of illness that cost a number of party members their children, and the same party members having to kill their friend after he started turning into a Deep One. Not that they’ve told his widow that - she’s not likely to take the truth well. On the other hand, the new Mayor does have good news for Selversgard - the more progressive druids will allow Selvergard to expand, although one of the more conservative factions has broken with the circle entirely and is making threatening noises. The rest of the druids seem quietly pleased to see the back of them. Also, one of the ancient cisterns we cleared out has been repaired and is being refilled for the town’s use.
 
Eddison has divined something about the flooded silver mines near Selversgard, though - apparently they were deliberately flooded. And it's not at all clear why - it might have ‘a promise’ or ‘a warning’. Perhaps one of the elven druids will have more information - they might be old enough to have actually been around at the time. 
 
On the other hand, Skiri continues to miss council meetings, and hasn’t designated a proxy either. Even her family members have noticed that she’s become increasingly distant, and the Fisherman's Guild are getting a bit stroppy. Kragor has sent a few of the militia to bring her in and demand an explanation. Skiri’s reaction to THAT is a bit unexpected - she dived into the river and swam off. Eddison should probably pursue her - he is the only person in town with an actual Swim speed, for one thing, or so we thought. He’ll check that mysterious dome he found on the riverbed, first. He sees a flapping thing deep in the water, and discovers that they’re a pair of dwarf-sized pants. And sets off a trap. The harpoon is nasty enough - the poison is just rude. He swims to the surface and signals for help. 
 
Eddison: Yes, I'm actually using Snapdragon Fireworks for their intended purpose!
GM: But no-one ever does that!
 
Kernel’s player: ‘What happened?’ ‘Harpoon’ ‘What happened?’ ‘Harpoon’ ‘What happened?’ ‘Dinosaur, don’t ask.’
Eddison: Turns out Drow are into some kinky s***
 
After he explains what happened for the fifth time, Eddison suggests a plan to get past the trapped underwater door. Using Gonno and Cerberus for muscle, and animated mud as a target for the trap, we get the door forced open. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any convenient air pockets nearby. Eddison does find a peculiar corpse, however. At least it isn’t Skiri. Kernel CAN give the rest of us Water Breathing for a while, in the form of magical paintings of Merfolk’s Comb, because we probably shouldn’t leave Skiri alone in a place that is clearly pretty dangerous.
 
Gonno: At least it probably isn’t another Owlbear.
Arram: I just want to see the monk kick somebody’s head off with swim fins. 
Eddison: FLAPPITYFLAPPITY
 
The aquatic elf is also alert enough to notice a certain oiliness in the water that wasn’t there earlier. Possibly some kind of cnidarian slime. 
 
Arram: Well, I’m heading back up, I’ll come back after you’ve dealt with whatever this is. 
 
It’s a Death’s Head Jellyfish - not generally deadly, but the venom causes a facial rictus.
 
Eddison OoC: Somebody actually made Jokerfish?
 
What’s more concerning is that the nearly invisible jellyfish has clearly been strung into position across one of the tunnels. Cerebus gets out his polearm.
 
Cerebus: SCHWING
Eddison: Can you never, ever, use that word in connection with jellyfish again?
 
It’s also just as well we jammed some of the more suspicious portals open - some of them are apparently rigged to slam shut. Although that would have limited the access the Bull Sharks had to the party. Bull Sharks are notoriously dangerous, and do well in freshwater. They certainly do well at turning the unfortunate Eddison into mincemeat. Frantically working together, Gonno and Cerberus stop the elf from bleeding out, but barely. Given the sharks were using his head as a chewtoy, it’s a little surprising that he’s happy to continue with the search for Skiri.
 
Eddison: ‘Happy’ is a strong term…
 
The barricades and warning signs in the Aklo tongue are certainly a cause for concern.
 
Cerebus: Well, that’s not going to stop me, I can’t read!
Arram: ‘Cerebus, if you can read this you’re going to die’
Eddison: ‘I can’t read therefore I’ll never die!’
Arram: Well your warnings and rotting boards are no match for my poking stick.
 
The chamber beyond is mostly frozen, and there are at least 3 figures trapped in the ice. Even with the brain damage, Eddison recognises the threat as Elder Things, ancient abominations that predate even the Aboleths.
 
Eddison: We are leaving and we’re abandoning the town.
Cerebus OoC: Cthulhu Popsicles. Great…
 
At least they’re still hibernating. Unless the ice thaws. Of course most of the surviving myths about them came via the Aboleths, who had reason to be biased. 
 
Arram: Bring them out one by one and let the barbarian murder them to death.
 
We eventually decide not to invite further trouble of the eldritch (and possibly rugose) kind and continue following the left-hand wall of the labyrinth, dropping Continual Flame stones at intervals in case we need to retreat at speed. 
 
Arram OoC: I.e. Follow spelunkers around if you want free flares.
Kernel OoC: Until we come back and find them arranged into an arrow pointing in a particular direction.
Gonno: A dark hole with a sign saying ‘FREE HUGS’
 
In the next room the water is warm to the point of discomfort.
 
Gonno: I was going to say something, but if you’re that hot you have serious health problems.
 
There’s a very very deep pit, with a red glow very far down, and the occasional bubble of volcanic gas. It’s a bit concerning that there’s an open volcanic vent less than a mile from town, but a more immediate concern is the pair of Devilfish. In fact, given what Devilfish look like it’s likely the water just got a little warmer. At least the jet black ink or blood they spray means we don’t have to look at them for long - although it doesn’t seem to stop them seeing us. 
 
Cerebus: Which way did they go?
Gonno: *completely obscured in the ink cloud* That way, I think!
Cerebus: Not helpful!
Eddison: Agh! I’m not comfortable being grappled there!
 
Eddison is mangled, and Gonno is grappled, disemboweled, and poisoned. At least the devilfish are evil enough that Arram’s pyromancy is extra effective. The rest of the party are a bit alarmed by the state of their Oread friend when Gonno finally crawls out of the ink cloud.
 
Gonno: Everything… going… black.
Arram: It’s just the ink, you’ll be fine.
GM: You’re telling him that while measuring him for a pine box?
Arram: I can’t tell him that - he MAKES the pine boxes.
 
Cerebus manages to stop Gonno from bleeding to death, while Gonno stops any more of his internal organs floating away, and Eddison discovers that the pocket of volcanic gasses at the roof of the chamber might not be breathable but at least is somewhere we can swig healing potions. If we had any. We’re not adventurers. The naked elf woman in the next chamber is in a pretty rough state too - severely disfigured by her injuries. She bows to us as we clamber exhausted and battered into her chamber.
 
Elf: My Master is aware of your arrival and does not bid you welcome. But you have proven yourselves resilient in passing our defenses and are worthy of some respect.
Cerebus: I’ve had about enough of this today - where is our dwarf friend so we can go home?
Elf: The dwarf slave? My Master acknowledges your request. I will take you to the slave. If you leave with her my Master will inflict no further violence upon you. 
 
Eddison and Arram exchange a glance, and Arram incinerates the elf slave when she turns her back on us. 
 
Cerebus: *epic facepalm* Great. What’s next, an Aboleth?!
 
There’s only a few options for aquatic telepathic enslavers, so it’s not entirely surprising that the Master is an Aboleth. At least it’s surprised we killed its slave. 
 
Cerebus: I F***ING CALLED IT  *Barbarian Rage*
 
The Aboleth is bright enough to recognise that Kernel is a construct, and doesn’t bother trying to telepathically Dominate him. Eddison is not so lucky.
 
Aboleth: KILL THE NONABOLETH
 
The worst thing about that order is that it remains in effect even after Arram parboils and Cerebus eviscerates the abomination. Which is very bad news for the nearly dead Gonno, who managed to summon enough adrenaline to try and knock out the suddenly murderous acid-flinging elf. It didn’t work. Kernel’s attack at least does work, but leaves the elf also nearly dead. Although Cerebus is certainly surprised when he shakes off his Barbarian Rage and sees the situation on shore. He’s also got his own problem - the Aboleth’s slime has made him flabby, translucent, and prone to fatal dehydration.
 
Cerebus OoC: Tell me the Aboleth was swimming over a giant pile of gold and treasure at least?
GM: No.
Cerebus: Gods DAMMIT
 
Skiri is in the next chamber, being tortured by a giant jellyfish, but not objecting. Given the absolutely incapacitating pain the tentacles inflict while Arram and Cerebus try to get her free, that’s pretty amazing. The jellyfish probably explains the injuries on the incinerated elf. There’s also a goblin, but it has the same flabby look as Cerebus now possesses, and is promptly dispatched anyway. Skiri keeps trying to return to her own torture, and has to be bound. There’s also a naked, blindfolded boy polishing various items in the Aboleth’s treasure chamber.
 
Cerebus: Oh great, the Aboleth was a wierdo.
Kernel: We already have three people to carry back to the surface, we’ll come back for him later. 
 
At least we’ll have a rough idea how long Aboleth Domination lasts - we just have to wait until Eddison stops trying to kill us. 
 
GM: Yeah. FIFTEEN DAYS from now.
 
Cerebus’ transformation is pretty inconvenient too. 
 
Cerebus: I have a suspicion I’ll want to wallow in mud when I get back.
Arram: Yeah, that’ll probably work, for a while.
Gonno OoC: SEA-PIG BORN
 
The blindfolded boy is not merely blindfolded, he’s had his eyes gouged out. And he seems mildly distressed to learn that the elf and the goblin and The Master are gone.
 
Boy: That is everybody I know.
 
At least he doesn’t object to being brought to the surface, in the absence of any orders to the contrary. He’s going to need a lot of deprogramming, and some serious healing. 
 
Cerebus: Let’s not do this again for another year.
 
Everybody in Selversgard is keen to learn why Eddison is tied up. 
 
Arram: There was a f***ing Aboleth in the bottom of the river.
Townsfolk: What’s an aboleth?
Arram: They caused Earthfall.
Eddison *mumbling through his gag*: Well, an argument between them and some serpentfolk caused Earthfall.
Cerebus: Can somebody get this kid some pants? And a Regenerate spell?
Gonno: You haven’t even asked him his name yet.
 

(Sorry for the lack of posts - between the 5 weeks interstate and overseas, and coming home to 12-13hr shifts in 43C heat (109F), we haven't had as many sessions as we'd like, and that's not counting some of the computer issues. Still, I got 21K photos on the trip and roughly 1000 species, so that's nice)
 
Selversgard pt.19
 
 
The village of Selversgard continues to expand, at least in population - the actual physical footprint of the town and attached farmland is still constrained by the agreement with the local druids. Silas of the Green, their representative on the town council, has been asked to negotiate for an expansion of the town limits. So we don’t see much of him lately. Skiri Olafsdottir has been spending a lot more time on the river than doing the job she was actually elected for. And Knobroc the gnome is leaving town too - he finds it too boring. Which, to be fair, is a very real health concern for gnomes.
 
Eddison: Yeah, stay colourful.
 
Miya has a problem too - her husband Falx Vandruber has disappeared. Vanished entirely, despite his escort. 
 
Eddison: So the Fey got him. And there’s no way to get him back.
Arram: No no, it’s all ghosts and werewolves this side of the river.
 
Gonno, Arram, Eddison, and Djeketh head off to find the missing miller. Still, at least we have a few newcomers to town to help with the search, such as the merc from around Magnimar-way who decided to retire and become a farmer away from the big city (and who keeps gets thrown into s*** every few months despite Cerebus' protestations...). 
 
Cerberus the Skinwalker Ragebred Standard Barbarian’s player: Well, Mostly a grumpy old Curmudgeon who always refers to himself in the third person and is surprisingly handy with an axe. (I.. uhh.. May just shave off the source character's opinion of women off the sheet though. I'd prefer him to survive character creation and not get murdered by Miya.)
Arram OoC: Back to having a second human-looking character in the party, now I'll look less like some kind of minder when we meet new people.
 
At least, he’s human-looking when he isn’t going full Earth-pig Born.
 
Eddison: Wait wait, you actually want me to leave town when there’s a bunch of women that have made their intentions clear?
Arram: Eddison, Eddison, we’ve told you before, the Drow are a figment of your imagination. Either that or some Pathfinder’s horny fanfic.
 
Cerberus is an outstanding tracker, that’s for sure, at least as far as Scent goes. Despite the snow he has Falx’s trail immediately. Djeketh can follow from there - he’s an actual Ranger. It would appear he passed near the grove of that dryad we know, so we detour to ask if she saw anything. 
 
Dryad: There was a man? He certainly seemed to be driven. And there was something strange about his face.
 
Dryad: I wish you well, but I should warn you. He was heading south, and there is a nymph that lives there. She is not as kindly disposed towards humanoids as I. And nymphs can be dangerous. But if you don’t mind I shall return to my winter sleep. 
 
Some discussion of Fey taxonomy ensues - we’ve met a Nereid, but that’s not the same thing as a nymph. Nymphs are the ones that are famed for their beauty.
 
Miya: Ah right, the ones that dance with satyrs, gotcha. 
 
Falx’s trail detours around a large bramble patch, so if he IS under an enchantment the enchanter isn’t completely heartless. Jeketh finds another track - something with clawed feet like a bear, but longer and narrower. It’s a full grown owlbear. And it’s tracking Falx. At least Falx has a very good head start - maybe the owlbear will lose interest.
 
Cerberus: DOUBLETIME.
Djeketh: Medium-sized at best. I have hunted many bigger.
 
Unfortunately, trudging for hour after hour through snow isn’t exactly conducive to mental health, and exhaustion and the bleak aspect of the countryside leave us quite ill-prepared to spot two raisins on a white page. Of, for that matter, an albino owlbear’s eyes against the white-out. 
 
Miya: They’d be adorable if they werent, you know, murder machines.
 
Cerberus attempts to murder the owlbear and gets thoroughly mauled instead.
 
Arram: That’s the problem with smelling of bacon. 
GM: He has the Disadvantage ‘Delicious’.
 
Arram’s OoC: You should probably put Djeketh on the initiative tracker. Unless he’s just going to watch us get eaten, which is always an option.
Cerberus: You mean eat me.
Eddison: Well at least the rest of us can run away while it’s eating you. Remind me, who brought snowshoes? Because as per the old adage, I don’t need to outrun the owlbear. 
 
Although given we have the sorcerer on magic horse, a Monk, and wizard with Fly, it’s pretty certain which party member is going to be left behind to delay the monster further.
 
Gonno demonstrates his personal martial art style, Boot To The Head, and the owlbear goes down. The barbarian nearly suffered Critical Existence Failure, however, which is definitely going to slow our pursuit of Falx. Djeketh is quite apologetic about missing the monster, but it’s not like the rest of us saw it either - the Earthpig’s sense of smell was our only warning. 
By the time we catch up with Falx he has almost made it to the big lake far south of Selversgard. Gonno dashes ahead to tackle him before he can drown. He’s not looking too good - he eyes are migrating far apart, his skin is terribly pale, and his ears have shrunk to almost nothing. And it looks like drowning wouldn’t be a problem, since he’s also developing gills. 
 
Falx: … Gonno?
Gonno: … Sorry. I think I have the wrong guy.
Falx: I’m sorry… I have to go. Tell Miya I loved her.
 
Eddison is an aquatic elf, and hails from Magnimar as well, so he knows what’s happened to Falx. He’s turning into a Deep One and is being called home. It certainly explains some of the cards he got in his Harrow Cards reading of the situation. Miya will be doubly horrified if she learns it’s one of her Oracular Curses that triggered the transformation. Falx might have gone his entire life without changing, if he hadn’t slept with the kitsune. It certainly doesn't bode well for the children. Hopefully they’ll lean more towards their mother’s lineage than his.
 
Eddison:  If you guys don’t want to do it, I will. He’s too far gone.
Gonno: Uh…
Arram: It's like he’s developed permanent lycanthropy. If werewolves were fish.
 
At least he won’t be a threat to the village, even after he completes his transformation into Deep One. They live in the deep ocean. 
 
Eddison: He’s got a long swim ahead of him.
Kernel: If we’re lucky he’ll get eaten by a giant eel. 
 
Eddison: Why do I see my job in the village is going to be tracking these bloodlines? Because I’m barely into my second century.
Gonno: I’m in shock how ruthless you’re all being about it.
Eddison: He’s worm food.
Cerberus: I’m just in shock thinking ‘Miya shtupped a fish?’
Arram: OK, neither of you are telling Miya what happened to her husband.
 
Eddison again volunteers to euthanize our friend.
 
Arram: Maaaybe a death that isn’t Dissolve His Face With Acid?
 
Cerberus does the deed, but we cremate Falx’ remains rather than give him a river burial as would be more usual around Selversgard. 
 
Cerberus: I don’t want to THINK about Deep One zombies.
 
And Eddison is going to watch the other villagers very suspiciously, and wondering how many of them also have Deep One ancestry. It might even include Cerberus, since Eddison’s researches reveal he was actually adopted from around here. There might actually be other skinwalkers around here! And hopefully not skinwalker/Deep One hybrids.
 
Over the next year other tragedies strike - Gonno and his wife lose their secondborn to illness, and Arram loses his wife and child in childbirth. 
 
Arram: I seem to have the darkest fortune when it comes to family. I am down to a single sister.
Kernel: Have you checked lately?
 
 

(Sorry for the lack of posts - between the 5 weeks interstate and overseas, and coming home to 12-13hr shifts in 43C heat (109F), we haven't had as many sessions as we'd like, and that's not counting some of the computer issues. Still, I got 21K photos on the trip and roughly 1000 species, so that's nice)
 
Selversgard pt.19
 
 
The village of Selversgard continues to expand, at least in population - the actual physical footprint of the town and attached farmland is still constrained by the agreement with the local druids. Silas of the Green, their representative on the town council, has been asked to negotiate for an expansion of the town limits. So we don’t see much of him lately. Skiri Olafsdottir has been spending a lot more time on the river than doing the job she was actually elected for. And Knobroc the gnome is leaving town too - he finds it too boring. Which, to be fair, is a very real health concern for gnomes.
 
Eddison: Yeah, stay colourful.
 
Miya has a problem too - her husband Falx Vandruber has disappeared. Vanished entirely, despite his escort. 
 
Eddison: So the Fey got him. And there’s no way to get him back.
Arram: No no, it’s all ghosts and werewolves this side of the river.
 
Gonno, Arram, Eddison, and Djeketh head off to find the missing miller. Still, at least we have a few newcomers to town to help with the search, such as the merc from around Magnimar-way who decided to retire and become a farmer away from the big city (and who keeps gets thrown into s*** every few months despite Cerebus' protestations...). 
 
Cerberus the Skinwalker Ragebred Standard Barbarian’s player: Well, Mostly a grumpy old Curmudgeon who always refers to himself in the third person and is surprisingly handy with an axe. (I.. uhh.. May just shave off the source character's opinion of women off the sheet though. I'd prefer him to survive character creation and not get murdered by Miya.)
Arram OoC: Back to having a second human-looking character in the party, now I'll look less like some kind of minder when we meet new people.
 
At least, he’s human-looking when he isn’t going full Earth-pig Born.
 
Eddison: Wait wait, you actually want me to leave town when there’s a bunch of women that have made their intentions clear?
Arram: Eddison, Eddison, we’ve told you before, the Drow are a figment of your imagination. Either that or some Pathfinder’s horny fanfic.
 
Cerberus is an outstanding tracker, that’s for sure, at least as far as Scent goes. Despite the snow he has Falx’s trail immediately. Djeketh can follow from there - he’s an actual Ranger. It would appear he passed near the grove of that dryad we know, so we detour to ask if she saw anything. 
 
Dryad: There was a man? He certainly seemed to be driven. And there was something strange about his face.
 
Dryad: I wish you well, but I should warn you. He was heading south, and there is a nymph that lives there. She is not as kindly disposed towards humanoids as I. And nymphs can be dangerous. But if you don’t mind I shall return to my winter sleep. 
 
Some discussion of Fey taxonomy ensues - we’ve met a Nereid, but that’s not the same thing as a nymph. Nymphs are the ones that are famed for their beauty.
 
Miya: Ah right, the ones that dance with satyrs, gotcha. 
 
Falx’s trail detours around a large bramble patch, so if he IS under an enchantment the enchanter isn’t completely heartless. Jeketh finds another track - something with clawed feet like a bear, but longer and narrower. It’s a full grown owlbear. And it’s tracking Falx. At least Falx has a very good head start - maybe the owlbear will lose interest.
 
Cerberus: DOUBLETIME.
Djeketh: Medium-sized at best. I have hunted many bigger.
 
Unfortunately, trudging for hour after hour through snow isn’t exactly conducive to mental health, and exhaustion and the bleak aspect of the countryside leave us quite ill-prepared to spot two raisins on a white page. Of, for that matter, an albino owlbear’s eyes against the white-out. 
 
Miya: They’d be adorable if they werent, you know, murder machines.
 
Cerberus attempts to murder the owlbear and gets thoroughly mauled instead.
 
Arram: That’s the problem with smelling of bacon. 
GM: He has the Disadvantage ‘Delicious’.
 
Arram’s OoC: You should probably put Djeketh on the initiative tracker. Unless he’s just going to watch us get eaten, which is always an option.
Cerberus: You mean eat me.
Eddison: Well at least the rest of us can run away while it’s eating you. Remind me, who brought snowshoes? Because as per the old adage, I don’t need to outrun the owlbear. 
 
Although given we have the sorcerer on magic horse, a Monk, and wizard with Fly, it’s pretty certain which party member is going to be left behind to delay the monster further.
 
Gonno demonstrates his personal martial art style, Boot To The Head, and the owlbear goes down. The barbarian nearly suffered Critical Existence Failure, however, which is definitely going to slow our pursuit of Falx. Djeketh is quite apologetic about missing the monster, but it’s not like the rest of us saw it either - the Earthpig’s sense of smell was our only warning. 
By the time we catch up with Falx he has almost made it to the big lake far south of Selversgard. Gonno dashes ahead to tackle him before he can drown. He’s not looking too good - he eyes are migrating far apart, his skin is terribly pale, and his ears have shrunk to almost nothing. And it looks like drowning wouldn’t be a problem, since he’s also developing gills. 
 
Falx: … Gonno?
Gonno: … Sorry. I think I have the wrong guy.
Falx: I’m sorry… I have to go. Tell Miya I loved her.
 
Eddison is an aquatic elf, and hails from Magnimar as well, so he knows what’s happened to Falx. He’s turning into a Deep One and is being called home. It certainly explains some of the cards he got in his Harrow Cards reading of the situation. Miya will be doubly horrified if she learns it’s one of her Oracular Curses that triggered the transformation. Falx might have gone his entire life without changing, if he hadn’t slept with the kitsune. It certainly doesn't bode well for the children. Hopefully they’ll lean more towards their mother’s lineage than his.
 
Eddison:  If you guys don’t want to do it, I will. He’s too far gone.
Gonno: Uh…
Arram: It's like he’s developed permanent lycanthropy. If werewolves were fish.
 
At least he won’t be a threat to the village, even after he completes his transformation into Deep One. They live in the deep ocean. 
 
Eddison: He’s got a long swim ahead of him.
Kernel: If we’re lucky he’ll get eaten by a giant eel. 
 
Eddison: Why do I see my job in the village is going to be tracking these bloodlines? Because I’m barely into my second century.
Gonno: I’m in shock how ruthless you’re all being about it.
Eddison: He’s worm food.
Cerberus: I’m just in shock thinking ‘Miya shtupped a fish?’
Arram: OK, neither of you are telling Miya what happened to her husband.
 
Eddison again volunteers to euthanize our friend.
 
Arram: Maaaybe a death that isn’t Dissolve His Face With Acid?
 
Cerberus does the deed, but we cremate Falx’ remains rather than give him a river burial as would be more usual around Selversgard. 
 
Cerberus: I don’t want to THINK about Deep One zombies.
 
And Eddison is going to watch the other villagers very suspiciously, and wondering how many of them also have Deep One ancestry. It might even include Cerberus, since Eddison’s researches reveal he was actually adopted from around here. There might actually be other skinwalkers around here! And hopefully not skinwalker/Deep One hybrids.
 
Over the next year other tragedies strike - Gonno and his wife lose their secondborn to illness, and Arram loses his wife and child in childbirth. 
 
Arram: I seem to have the darkest fortune when it comes to family. I am down to a single sister.
Kernel: Have you checked lately?
 
 

Chronicles of Selversgard Pt.20
 
19th of Pharast 4719
 
The eve of the Spring Equinox, when the Mayorship will be handed over from Blake to Kragor, Nothing of any note happened under his leadership, apart from the outbreak of illness that cost a number of party members their children, and the same party members having to kill their friend after he started turning into a Deep One. Not that they’ve told his widow that - she’s not likely to take the truth well. On the other hand, the new Mayor does have good news for Selversgard - the more progressive druids will allow Selvergard to expand, although one of the more conservative factions has broken with the circle entirely and is making threatening noises. The rest of the druids seem quietly pleased to see the back of them. Also, one of the ancient cisterns we cleared out has been repaired and is being refilled for the town’s use.
 
Eddison has divined something about the flooded silver mines near Selversgard, though - apparently they were deliberately flooded. And it's not at all clear why - it might have ‘a promise’ or ‘a warning’. Perhaps one of the elven druids will have more information - they might be old enough to have actually been around at the time. 
 
On the other hand, Skiri continues to miss council meetings, and hasn’t designated a proxy either. Even her family members have noticed that she’s become increasingly distant, and the Fisherman's Guild are getting a bit stroppy. Kragor has sent a few of the militia to bring her in and demand an explanation. Skiri’s reaction to THAT is a bit unexpected - she dived into the river and swam off. Eddison should probably pursue her - he is the only person in town with an actual Swim speed, for one thing, or so we thought. He’ll check that mysterious dome he found on the riverbed, first. He sees a flapping thing deep in the water, and discovers that they’re a pair of dwarf-sized pants. And sets off a trap. The harpoon is nasty enough - the poison is just rude. He swims to the surface and signals for help. 
 
Eddison: Yes, I'm actually using Snapdragon Fireworks for their intended purpose!
GM: But no-one ever does that!
 
Kernel’s player: ‘What happened?’ ‘Harpoon’ ‘What happened?’ ‘Harpoon’ ‘What happened?’ ‘Dinosaur, don’t ask.’
Eddison: Turns out Drow are into some kinky s***
 
After he explains what happened for the fifth time, Eddison suggests a plan to get past the trapped underwater door. Using Gonno and Cerberus for muscle, and animated mud as a target for the trap, we get the door forced open. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any convenient air pockets nearby. Eddison does find a peculiar corpse, however. At least it isn’t Skiri. Kernel CAN give the rest of us Water Breathing for a while, in the form of magical paintings of Merfolk’s Comb, because we probably shouldn’t leave Skiri alone in a place that is clearly pretty dangerous.
 
Gonno: At least it probably isn’t another Owlbear.
Arram: I just want to see the monk kick somebody’s head off with swim fins. 
Eddison: FLAPPITYFLAPPITY
 
The aquatic elf is also alert enough to notice a certain oiliness in the water that wasn’t there earlier. Possibly some kind of cnidarian slime. 
 
Arram: Well, I’m heading back up, I’ll come back after you’ve dealt with whatever this is. 
 
It’s a Death’s Head Jellyfish - not generally deadly, but the venom causes a facial rictus.
 
Eddison OoC: Somebody actually made Jokerfish?
 
What’s more concerning is that the nearly invisible jellyfish has clearly been strung into position across one of the tunnels. Cerebus gets out his polearm.
 
Cerebus: SCHWING
Eddison: Can you never, ever, use that word in connection with jellyfish again?
 
It’s also just as well we jammed some of the more suspicious portals open - some of them are apparently rigged to slam shut. Although that would have limited the access the Bull Sharks had to the party. Bull Sharks are notoriously dangerous, and do well in freshwater. They certainly do well at turning the unfortunate Eddison into mincemeat. Frantically working together, Gonno and Cerberus stop the elf from bleeding out, but barely. Given the sharks were using his head as a chewtoy, it’s a little surprising that he’s happy to continue with the search for Skiri.
 
Eddison: ‘Happy’ is a strong term…
 
The barricades and warning signs in the Aklo tongue are certainly a cause for concern.
 
Cerebus: Well, that’s not going to stop me, I can’t read!
Arram: ‘Cerebus, if you can read this you’re going to die’
Eddison: ‘I can’t read therefore I’ll never die!’
Arram: Well your warnings and rotting boards are no match for my poking stick.
 
The chamber beyond is mostly frozen, and there are at least 3 figures trapped in the ice. Even with the brain damage, Eddison recognises the threat as Elder Things, ancient abominations that predate even the Aboleths.
 
Eddison: We are leaving and we’re abandoning the town.
Cerebus OoC: Cthulhu Popsicles. Great…
 
At least they’re still hibernating. Unless the ice thaws. Of course most of the surviving myths about them came via the Aboleths, who had reason to be biased. 
 
Arram: Bring them out one by one and let the barbarian murder them to death.
 
We eventually decide not to invite further trouble of the eldritch (and possibly rugose) kind and continue following the left-hand wall of the labyrinth, dropping Continual Flame stones at intervals in case we need to retreat at speed. 
 
Arram OoC: I.e. Follow spelunkers around if you want free flares.
Kernel OoC: Until we come back and find them arranged into an arrow pointing in a particular direction.
Gonno: A dark hole with a sign saying ‘FREE HUGS’
 
In the next room the water is warm to the point of discomfort.
 
Gonno: I was going to say something, but if you’re that hot you have serious health problems.
 
There’s a very very deep pit, with a red glow very far down, and the occasional bubble of volcanic gas. It’s a bit concerning that there’s an open volcanic vent less than a mile from town, but a more immediate concern is the pair of Devilfish. In fact, given what Devilfish look like it’s likely the water just got a little warmer. At least the jet black ink or blood they spray means we don’t have to look at them for long - although it doesn’t seem to stop them seeing us. 
 
Cerebus: Which way did they go?
Gonno: *completely obscured in the ink cloud* That way, I think!
Cerebus: Not helpful!
Eddison: Agh! I’m not comfortable being grappled there!
 
Eddison is mangled, and Gonno is grappled, disemboweled, and poisoned. At least the devilfish are evil enough that Arram’s pyromancy is extra effective. The rest of the party are a bit alarmed by the state of their Oread friend when Gonno finally crawls out of the ink cloud.
 
Gonno: Everything… going… black.
Arram: It’s just the ink, you’ll be fine.
GM: You’re telling him that while measuring him for a pine box?
Arram: I can’t tell him that - he MAKES the pine boxes.
 
Cerebus manages to stop Gonno from bleeding to death, while Gonno stops any more of his internal organs floating away, and Eddison discovers that the pocket of volcanic gasses at the roof of the chamber might not be breathable but at least is somewhere we can swig healing potions. If we had any. We’re not adventurers. The naked elf woman in the next chamber is in a pretty rough state too - severely disfigured by her injuries. She bows to us as we clamber exhausted and battered into her chamber.
 
Elf: My Master is aware of your arrival and does not bid you welcome. But you have proven yourselves resilient in passing our defenses and are worthy of some respect.
Cerebus: I’ve had about enough of this today - where is our dwarf friend so we can go home?
Elf: The dwarf slave? My Master acknowledges your request. I will take you to the slave. If you leave with her my Master will inflict no further violence upon you. 
 
Eddison and Arram exchange a glance, and Arram incinerates the elf slave when she turns her back on us. 
 
Cerebus: *epic facepalm* Great. What’s next, an Aboleth?!
 
There’s only a few options for aquatic telepathic enslavers, so it’s not entirely surprising that the Master is an Aboleth. At least it’s surprised we killed its slave. 
 
Cerebus: I F***ING CALLED IT  *Barbarian Rage*
 
The Aboleth is bright enough to recognise that Kernel is a construct, and doesn’t bother trying to telepathically Dominate him. Eddison is not so lucky.
 
Aboleth: KILL THE NONABOLETH
 
The worst thing about that order is that it remains in effect even after Arram parboils and Cerebus eviscerates the abomination. Which is very bad news for the nearly dead Gonno, who managed to summon enough adrenaline to try and knock out the suddenly murderous acid-flinging elf. It didn’t work. Kernel’s attack at least does work, but leaves the elf also nearly dead. Although Cerebus is certainly surprised when he shakes off his Barbarian Rage and sees the situation on shore. He’s also got his own problem - the Aboleth’s slime has made him flabby, translucent, and prone to fatal dehydration.
 
Cerebus OoC: Tell me the Aboleth was swimming over a giant pile of gold and treasure at least?
GM: No.
Cerebus: Gods DAMMIT
 
Skiri is in the next chamber, being tortured by a giant jellyfish, but not objecting. Given the absolutely incapacitating pain the tentacles inflict while Arram and Cerebus try to get her free, that’s pretty amazing. The jellyfish probably explains the injuries on the incinerated elf. There’s also a goblin, but it has the same flabby look as Cerebus now possesses, and is promptly dispatched anyway. Skiri keeps trying to return to her own torture, and has to be bound. There’s also a naked, blindfolded boy polishing various items in the Aboleth’s treasure chamber.
 
Cerebus: Oh great, the Aboleth was a wierdo.
Kernel: We already have three people to carry back to the surface, we’ll come back for him later. 
 
At least we’ll have a rough idea how long Aboleth Domination lasts - we just have to wait until Eddison stops trying to kill us. 
 
GM: Yeah. FIFTEEN DAYS from now.
 
Cerebus’ transformation is pretty inconvenient too. 
 
Cerebus: I have a suspicion I’ll want to wallow in mud when I get back.
Arram: Yeah, that’ll probably work, for a while.
Gonno OoC: SEA-PIG BORN
 
The blindfolded boy is not merely blindfolded, he’s had his eyes gouged out. And he seems mildly distressed to learn that the elf and the goblin and The Master are gone.
 
Boy: That is everybody I know.
 
At least he doesn’t object to being brought to the surface, in the absence of any orders to the contrary. He’s going to need a lot of deprogramming, and some serious healing. 
 
Cerebus: Let’s not do this again for another year.
 
Everybody in Selversgard is keen to learn why Eddison is tied up. 
 
Arram: There was a f***ing Aboleth in the bottom of the river.
Townsfolk: What’s an aboleth?
Arram: They caused Earthfall.
Eddison *mumbling through his gag*: Well, an argument between them and some serpentfolk caused Earthfall.
Cerebus: Can somebody get this kid some pants? And a Regenerate spell?
Gonno: You haven’t even asked him his name yet.
 

Rhw youth group game had another session after a "it is too srinking cols to ait our here at a picnic table!" hiatus.
 
A couple of rhe toughest players,have forgotten a couple of the basics, so as a quick refresher, Red Cloak and Feral j(who have the most complicated builds od the group) ust happen to have been ambushed while doing some,after-hours research at the library archives undner the museum.
 
"...and the last of the villainous agents drop, victim of your sleep spell.  That was an attack action, C, so we have to end Red Cloak's Phase without any movement."
 
"It's cool. I look for the leader- the super-powered guy.   I want to bind him up with my restraining spell until Feral gets back to help me move him."
 
"You will need to re-allocate your points in your Multipower; remember?"
 
"Oh yeah!  Okay, I guess I can turn off the Flight; it can't really use it in here, anyway-"
 
"Still, being in the air did reduce the amount of damage you sufferered when that sexons goon ahot you the teaser,he took from the guard..."
 
"Yeah, but these guys are out cold now. Oh, I guess I should turn off my force field, too-"
 
"Remember parr of the dun is sticking to the themes of your character and his world."
 
"Hunh?"
 
"Do you have a force field, or do you-"
 
"Oh, right!  I make the handsign at the warrior spirit protecting me, and thank him, and tell him he is dismissed."
 
"His ghostly form turns to you,standing tall and proud, bashes his sword against his shield, holds his sword up in front of his face in salute, bows, and disappears."
 
"That would be _so cool_ if it was real-"
 
"In the game, it is real; enjoy it.  If you change your mind, you make it something else."
 
"Nah.  I think a pet warrior ghost is pretty cool."
 
"Sure, but he isnt a pet.  You summon him,to protect you; there is a contract to fulfill."
 
"Right, but we have a job, too.  I need to get information from the metal guy."
 
"You look around the room, and even with the rows of library stacks and the computer equipment, it seems kind of empty with the sounds of battle absent,  seven thugs lie strewn around the forefront of the room, victims to poor judgement and your ancient magic--."
 
"Yeah, I don't think these guys are gonna be making any more rabbit-out-of-a-hat jokes again!"
 
"-but none of these faces are familar you."
 
"What do you mean?"
 
"You don't see Big Iron, the street name,for the thug that can turn into metal."
 
"Ah, Man!  He got away-!  I guess I better go see if Feral is back yet-"
 
"You turn to leave the room and almost bump your face into a statue.  No, wait; statues don't move-"
 
"Move?"
 
"You glance up just in time to see the ceooked and cruel wry grin of Big Iron, his fist drawing back over his head, muscles tight,as bow strings.  "Suprise, Houdini!" he snarls-"
 
"Ah, crap!   Okay, so how do I Push my PD...?"
 
 

 
 

Having converted the minotaurs into wedding attire, the troubleshooters of Selversgard turn back towards the village. Shev travels far ahead, no doubt out of his excitement about the upcoming wedding, leaving the rest of us at something of a disadvantage when the weather takes a turn for the worse.
 
Miya: How do we know it’s a bad storm? The Treants have f***ed off into a cave.
GM: Can I get a Survival check from somebody?
Arram: You COULD but Shev isn’t here.
 
We huddle under an overhang without even the benefit of a giant riding rat to huddle against. At least Prestidigitation and Ember Pots get us warm and dry-ish, so we won’t be reenacting any Jack London stories. 
 
Shev’s player: ?
Gonno’s player: To Build A Fire. A short story about someone who repeatedly fails his Survival checks. 
 
A conversation is had about adventurers, and exactly what kind of mental damage makes running off to clear out a nest of vampires sound like a good idea.
 
Skave: At least contracting vampirism might solve the problem of my 30 year lifespan? How am I supposed to get anything done in three decades, is what I want to know.
Gonno: *tactfully not mentioning that he has a potential lifespan of hundreds of years* You could always take a run at the Starstone.
Arram: As I understand it, if you survive it you either become a god or the servant of a god. Is that the kind of immortality you actually want?
Gonno OoC: I’m picturing exactly what kind of principles Skave The God would embody. Unnecessarily Large Explosions, probably. He’d get on well with Nethys at least.
 
Miya’s pregnancy has started to show - since she’s non-human, there’s a chance of complications. At least she’s told her husband about them.
 
Miya: There’s a non-zero chance of kits instead of babies.
 
We hear somebody yelling for help out in the torrential rain - after some mental calculations about the odds of a second Leucrotta lurking in the woods around here, we investigate. 
 
Gonno: Hopefully not another idiot wizard from the Twilight Academy.
Arram: Well I’m good, I’m a sorcerer from the Twilight Academy.
Gonno OoC: Somebody needs to investigate the water supply at the Academy, because at the rate that their students go mad, wander off into the woods, or express other antisocial behaviour, I suspect the lead pipes are corroding
Miya OoC: There is likely an eldritch horror in the Attic and the basement, the lunch lady is a lich and the whole thing can be described as Creepy Spooky Haunted and Hydrocolonic.

There’s two human men, one of whom has carelessly misplaced an arm, being carried by the other. Both need immediate medical aid.
 
Arram: Anything following you we need to know about?
Chist: I.. I think we got away from it?
Arram: Just in case you didn’t, what was ‘it’?
 
Alveson and his less-mangled friend are from the Order of the Nail - Hell-knights. Hopefully they don't notice the way Gonno tenses up, since there’s no way the hell-knights have forgotten about his wife who escaped Cheliax, and the Order of the Nail are one of the most hard-line of the lot.
 
Arram OoC: They’re basically everybody that’s ever played a paladin wrong. 
 
Apparently the Hell-knights were out here to open a Gate, so they could escort a pair of Devils back to their base. This is nothing particularly unusual for Hell-knights, but it wasn’t the devils they expected that came through. 
 
Chist: There were four of them - they were humanoid. But blue.
Arram and Skave: ….
Chist: And covered in chains!
Arram: I was just about to ask that. 
Miya: Welp, we’re stuffed.
 
It’s hardly surprising that four Chain Devils was two much for two hell-knights.
 
Chist: It wasn’t just the two of us, we came out here with five others.
All: ….
Chist: I think the mage got three of them with a Flame Blast.
Arram: Yes yes, very good, it’s just that I believe Chain Devils have Regeneration.
 
At least the Gate closed after the remaining Clive Barker ripoff ripped off his various limbs. Leaving an open doorway to Hell seems like a bad thing. Going after four Chain Devils would also be a bad thing. We decamp in a hurry, but note as we leave that the still-ambulatory Hell-knight has a glowing rune painted on his chest.  Apparently that was part of the Gate-opening ritual. 
 
Arram: Well. That’s not good.
 
None of us have the Erase spell to sever the connection. And while Miya will happily flay the skin off him ( ‘Create Treasure Map’ as Skave puts it ) we don’t know if the rune connects his body or his lifeforce to the gate. It’s likely that killing him wlll sever the connection, but messing with the connection will likely kill him even if we don’t want to. And it’s possible the devils can use the rune to track Chist down, and possibly use him to force the Gate open again.
 
Miya: It’s probably quicker to go home.
Chist: Where’s home?
Miya: Thattaway. Or thataway? Give me a second.
Arram: Selversgard.
Chist: I haven't heard of it.
Arram: It’s small. Small enough that four chain devils could kill everybody there.
 
It’s a ten-day trip south to reach the Order of the Nail’s keep. Although if we can get back to the boats we left on the riverbank on the trip down, we can go downriver much faster than on foot. Very much faster, given what the weather is likely doing to the river’s flow.
 
Arram: Shev is probably going overland back to Selversgard anyway, on the All-terrain Rat Express.
 
The problem is finding where we left the boats, in horrendous weather, at night, while trying to avoid pursuit. We recamp. After force feeding him some healing potions, Alveron comes to, and confirms that the head wizard with their party screwed up, and opened the gate into a Chain Devil slave camp.
 
Skave: …. Well, that’s the worst possible wrong number.
Arram: I feel beholden to suggest mounting a rescue mission. But that is well outside our capabilities.
Miya: So we’re going to leave that to the Hell Knights who screwed up in the first place.
Alveson: That’s fair, that’s really quite fair.
 
Alveson also confirms that the rune is connected to the gate.
 
Alveson: Well, we can resolve that. But it will require a sharp knife and a great deal of pain for my colleague here.
Miya: Oh good, the sensible solution works.
Arram: Hold still, I’m just going to do some Subdual Damage on you with this blunt instrument.
Alveson: Ah, no, that won’t work. He needs to be conscious to will away the connection as we physically sever it.
Skave: … how big is this rune again?
GM: Most of his chest. 
All: … 
Miya: Well, I suppose we could use Arram’s Acid Splash, but either way this is going to SUCK. 
 
Skave has to do the flaying. At least Chist is tied down and gagged as the Ysoki peels off his skin, piece by piece. He even stays conscious for the entire procedure, which takes nine rounds. No doubt because Skave’s paw is shaking a bit. 
 
Skave: You are *exceptionally* lucky you ran into me. 
All: ….
Skave: …Us, I mean Us.

At least the procedure seems to have worked, and when the sun rises we can hurry to the boats. Alveson isn’t going to be much use, sans spellbook and arm, but at least Chist can use that magical boar spear we found, and we still have the spellbook we found in the Leucrotta lair.
 
Arram: Oh gods, that thing - I warn you, the contents have a particular… flavour. Probably all necromancy, and we’re pretty sure it’s bound in human skin.
 
Arram: If that necromancer’s spellbook had Erase in it I’m going to be very embarrassed.
 
When we reach the boats, something is sitting on one of the boats combing her hair.
 
Miya: Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae…
GM: It’s Fae.
Arram: Morning
Naiad: Oh! Good morning! Are these yours?
Arram: Yes, actually.
Naiad: I hope you don’t mind - I was merely using one as a place to sit.
Arram: Not a problem - but you might want to make yourself scarce. There’s a bunch of chain devils on the loose, and some of us have already run afoul of them.
Naiad: Oh, that is NOT good.
Arram: Quite. You might want to let everybody that needs to, know.
 
The Naiad leaves, without turning its Beguiling Aura on Arram or the rest of us.
 
Skave: Well, I’ve learned something - Arram has to be gay.
Miya OoC: He’s a sorcerer, his Charisma is ungodly high.
Arram: It’s all werewolves or Fae around here and personally I’d rather deal with the Fae.
Miya: Fae, werewolves or big f***ing spiders.
 
We leave a message for Shev in a waterproof sack, phrased ambiguously enough that the Chain Devils won’t immediately know which way we went, or that Selversgard is upriver, in case Shev comes looking for us when we don’t turn up. Unfortunately we’re attacked by a giant fish while we travel downstream.
 

 
Skave: *shakes Arram* SET IT ON FIRE, SET IT ON FIRE!
 
Miya gets engulfed.
 
Miya: Tell my husband I love him! Assuming I actually die!
 
Of course this about when Shev catches up with us, and sees us finally subduing the monstrous stickleback.
 
Shev: Pull that on board, that’s good eating!
Arram: Good luck with that, it’s bigger than the boat! Also it’s eaten most of Miya’s arm, we should probably do something about that.
 
We camp on the far side of the river to make things more difficult for the Chain Devils, just in case. Shev also has a camp oven that doesn’t produce smoke or light, which is also helpful in our current situation. For some reason the forest on this side of the river has been replaced with fens - fortunately we can find a dry hollow to camp in.
 
Skave: Keep an eye out for leeches… I need them for alchemy ingredients.
Gonno: Hopefully we’re all smart enough to avoid throat leeches.
 
And Shev never sleeps on the ground anyway - he has two hanging tents with excellent camouflage. Hopefully we won’t wake up with the rest of us dead.
 
Shev’s player: Won’t be the first time I’ve slept through combat.
 
Once again, the party is fortunate that Vokk the Giant Riding Rat is a light sleeper - something is happening near the boats.
 
Shev: Animal companions exist to show us up.
Shev: I’m pretty sure a gunshot is a suitable alarm, but I don’t want to wake the others up if I don’t have to. 
 
It’s a giant dragonfly nymph, settling itself to ambush us in the morning. Shev returns to the camp to prepare breakfast - we can deal with it in the morning. 
 
Shev: Welcome to camping in this forest.
Miya: Giant insects, arachnids, and Fae, oh my!
Shev (upbeat):  Don’t forget the werewolves!
 
Rather more problematic is that something eats half the giant nymph before dawn - and Shev didn’t see or hear what did it. (interesting fact -aquatic insect nymphs are called naiads)
 
Shev: Well, whatever it was it only ate half of it, so it’s not hungry.
 
The rest of the trip to the lake and the Hellknight keep is uneventful - Shev rides Vok in the river while the rest of us continue in the boat. Arrival at the keep is uneventful too - nobody challenges us as we approach. In fact the entire keep is still and silent. This is ominous. The boot sticking out under a bush is more so. It probably wasn’t the bush that beat the boot owner's head in. 
 
Arram: It might be a Whomping Wisteria
 
Whatever did it left all his gear here, including magical armour. And Chist identifies the body as one of the full Hell-knights. He didn’t even have his weapon out.
 
Skave OoC: Preliminary cause of death… murder-hoboes.
Miya OoC: But we’re murder-hoboes!
 
No we’re not - we haven't even looted the corpse yet. Around the corner some unfortunate woman has been pinned to the wall by multiple primitive javelins. And the portcullis has been jammed open with a man-sized boulder. Alveson identifies her as the head mage at the keep.
 
Arram: I’m really hoping whoever did this isn’t here anymore, to be honest. Can we make sure we move anything that’s been spilled on the floor? So we have a clear run for the door if we have to.
 
Neither Chist or Alveson recognise the make of the javelins, so it probably wasn't some group the Hell-knights annoyed recently. Perhaps some Orc warparty out of the Cinderlands? On the other hand, Miya recalls that the nearby town of Biston had a major problems with an infestation of Troglodytes recently, and there is certainly a smell in the keep that Vok does NOT like. Alveson finds the body of his brother among the dead, and is understandably distressed. 
 
We attempt to clear the portcullis - and hear rustling in the bushes. Shev takes aim.
 
Miya: Do we want to call out a warning? ‘Show yourselves or be considered bandits’
 
The warning is somewhat pointless - Troglodytes don’t speak Common. They speak Draconic.
 
Troglodyte: *in Draconic* This is our land now.
Arram: We WERE here to ally with the Hell-knights to fight devils.
Troglodyte: FIGHT devils? They SUMMON devils!
Arram: Yeah sometimes it doesn’t go to plan.
Troglodyte: You side with Hellknights?
Arram: Yeah, these two, at least - I like them.
Troglodyte: KILL THEM ALL
Shev: I don’t speak Draconic but the tone suggests ‘Talks have broken down’.
 
After the fight, which we survive and they don’t, we search the corpses and find a few lucky talismans their shaman gave them.
 
Gonno: I don’t think they worked.
 
Although we don’t have any reason to feel smug about our victory - we don’t know how many troglodytes the Hell-knights managed to kill before they were overwhelmed.
 
Shev: I actually got a second shot off before it misfired!
Miya: Clearly Erastil is pleased with you.
 
Miya: And now we have to deal with the Chain Devils by ourselves.
 
At least it’s only a day more travel to the lakeside fishing town of Biston. It has a population of over 200.
 
Gonno: If I knew we were coming to the big city I’d have got a shopping list from the wife.
 
There are quite a few Hell-knights at their building in the town - it appears they are mustering. That’s helpful - maybe they’re in the mood for a snipe hunt. Their leader Esteria receives Chist and Alveson’s report, and invites all of us up to her office, a small and tasteful room (the shrine to Asmodeus in one corner notwithstanding).
 
Esteria: Leave your rat in the stables, they’ll feed and water it.
Shev: Are they familiar with giant riding rats?
Esteria: They’d better be.
 
Apparently Biston and the outpost haven't been the only targets of troglodyte attacks in the area. She really can’t spare the men to deal with chain devils as well, even though she acknowledges we really aren’t equipped to deal with one, let alone four. On the other hand, if we help her with the troglodyte issue… at least she has a map of the tunnels the hero Biston used to attack the troglodytes from behind, back before he had the town named after him.  Vok can confirm that the tunnel only smells slightly of Troggies. On the other hand, it also smells of Something Else. We head in anyway - we have the advantage of Darkvision that the Hellknights don't. Hopefully we won’t be down here too long - our friends and family might start wondering where we are by the end of the second week. 
 
Before we find any cave dwelling lizard-types, we find a 60ft deep pit, lined with spikes, and including a noteworthy number of naked impaled dwarves. 
 
Arram: How long have they been there?
GM: Well, they’re not… 
Arram: Liquified?
 
It is possible the dwarves slid down the shaft we descended, and straight into the pit trap, but that wouldn’t explain why they’re naked. 
 
Arram: Hey Shev, we need you to climb down this hole full of naked dwarves.
Shev: Fffffffffff-
Arram: Don’t worry, they’re dead.
 


Miya: To be fair we haven’t actually *checked* they’re dead.
 
They are dead, but they’re not dwarves. They might be some other subterranean race, like the sadistic Dero.
 
Gonno OoC:  Richard Sharpe Shaver’s paranoid schizophrenia has a lot to answer for. 
 
It’s also not clear who or why somebody cut their throats and dumped them in the pit.
 
Shev: We’re here to kill trogs, let's go kill trogs. 
 
We find some trogs - guarding the ends of a rope bridge. Each has a gong.
 
Arram: The monk can bullrush one, and when the other one hits the gong you can fire your gun to cover the noise.
 
Gonno does, indeed, run up and push the first Troglodyte into the chasm. The rest of the party use a variety of ranged attacks, of the quieter variety. We are now in position to launch a sneak attack on a village of troglodyte non-combatants.
 
Gonno OoC: And here was me thinking we WEREN’T playing murder-hoboes.
 
Unfortunately, Gonno and Miya, both completely fail to notice that the party is being snuck up on from behind. Despite being at the back of the party precisely to stop this sort of thing happening. 
 
Miya OoC: I’m definitely going to retire and raise kids, things keep trying to eat me. 
 
Gonno doesn’t even notice Miya has been dragged off until a second tentacle wraps around his own neck. Fortunately the rest of the party actually glance over their shoulders and save the pair, without actually alerting the troglodytes with the sound of combat, or wheezing after the Oread and Foxmaid are released. Sneaking closer, we overhear the troglodyte leadership having some kind of argument with drow. This is a perfect opportunity for Arram to cast Web over the entrance to the chamber, and yell, in Draconic, “Our objectives are achieved! Slay the rest of the Troglodytes!”. 
 
GM: Well, you’ve done something very smart
Miya’s player: Are you sure you’re talking about the right game?
 
The drow and troglodytes promptly start murdering each other. We wait to see who survives - the drow priestess is a contender by the look of it. Although she probably wasn’t *planning* on killing one of her own compatriots with an area effect spell, but he was male and who knows with drow.
 
Arram’s player: We’ve just made the GM roll attacks against his own NPCs for 30 minutes.
Shev’s player: Sorry not sorry.
 
Killing a member of her own party was probably a tactical error, since the Troggie king follows up by cutting her in half. He’s also bright enough to start wondering why the supposed drow treachery was yelled in his language, and spots us waiting for more free XP. Still, now it’s 6-to-1 odds in our favour. 
 
Gonno OoC: Although after watching him bisect that elf, we probably shouldn’t have closed to melee range.
 
We find some documents proving the drow were conspiring to use the troglodytes as an organised threat to civilisations on the surface. Also evidence that quite a few drow have been through here. Miya has Arram leave a note - written in Draconic, in the drow’s handwriting, pinned to the late king’s eyesocket “Death to those that betray the Drow”.
 
Unfortunately we then have to sneak back out past the troglodyte village. 
 
Miya: We pick up the sorcerer and leg it.
 
After all these detours, we finally start heading home towards Selversgard.
 
Skave: Brother. This had better be the best wedding ever.
 
It’s also a relief that the chain devils haven’t found Selversgard, but we have a lot to tell the mayor and militia anyway, and a lot of apologies for everybody that's been worried about us. Certainly nothing really major happens for the next nine months, apart from the setting up of a Warrenguard by the ratfolk. 
 
Arram: The first I’m doing after we report to the Mayor is collapse into the bed for 24 hours, after all that bulls***t.
GM: Shev, would you care to make a Diplomacy roll?
Shev: I CAN but it’ll be abysmal.
GM: Would you prefer your brother address the Council?
Shev: He’s just as bad!
 
Although one discovery the ratfolk make while excavating is a hidden tunnel connecting the sewer, a hidden dock north of town, and the boarded-up Tolland Manor in the middle of Selversgard owned by a now extinct family. The rumours of a haunt are one reason it hasn’t been reoccupied. A bigger mystery is who would need a smuggling tunnel - Selversgard has no tariffs. 
 
To everybody’s surprise, Gonno & Galiante are already expecting a second child. Apparently, despite being a tiefling and a part-elemental, they are really compatible. Miya’s sister-in-law  moves in as a nanny for her & Falx’s apparently human son.
 
Gonno: If you ever want privacy again I know where a house is going unused.
 
Alternatively, we can use Tolland Manor as a proper school building - Arram is certainly willing and able to pay the requisite 5000gp to refurbish it, and it's not like potential undead are going to worry somebody who thinks the Twilight Academy is a fine educational institution. Arram is now one of Selversgard’s most eligible bachelors (certainly since the other PCs are all married now) which may explain why that teenager we rescued two years back is inexpertly trying to seduce him. 
 
Skave is a father again as well - but tragically his wife didn’t survive the birth. Even magical healing can only go so far. He’s emotionally ill-equipped to deal with this. So now he has three ratlings to raise, and a wet nurse to find.
 
GM: Miya might be able to do it.
Miya: I have seen rat teeth, so no. Especially if I have to deal with fox teeth as well.
 
Shev finds a bride as well, although is at a loss about what to do next - as far as social adjustment goes he’s not much better than his brother.
 
Miya: I’m afraid my perspective isn’t going to be very useful.
 
All these new children and new marriages (especially to forceful wives like the ratwoman Ranger Cidi) are good reasons to reduce the amount of stabbing gribbly-monster-stabbing we’ve been doing. What do we look like, adventurers?
 
Miya: Something has tried to kill me *every year*.
 
Miya sets up a dojo to train up the Selversgard Militia, but trying to get the council to actually fund the militia is like squeezing blood from a stone. At least we have all that loot from the troglodyte and drow incident to sell, and supply a proper armory and probably pay for a militia too. And maybe if we promote more business connections with the cities downriver, we might have an economy large enough to support actual taxation.
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels : Stone Cold Crazy
 
It’s a pity we’re so busy now the Rebellion has gone overt, because Civilla never got around to investigating what a Soul Anchor is. That sounds important. Terzo’s also been too busy to privately ask Civilla who ‘Cizmerkis’ is, but he’s unlikely to be happy when he finds out.
 
Terzo OoC: You see this? This isn’t my angry face. This is my disappointed face.
Rajira OoC: As opposed to his confused face, which we’re used to.
 
Civilla: It can’t have been the Green Hag we killed, I still have her head in a bag. 
Rajira: This one doesn’t have a head.
Civilla: Ah.
 
The reason she HAS the head is probably something else Terzo doesn’t want to know. It might be related to the ‘Founder of Dynasties’ feat Civilla acquired, and her relationship with fellow changeling Shimza.
 
Terzo OoC: So we are going to find out what purestrain Changelings are like? Hopefully nothing like Purestrain Genestealers.
 
The Skinsaw Cult would seem to be a priority, now. 
 
Civilla: PEOPLE are DYING.
Terzo OoC: Well yes, we’ve got an entire cult of Buffalo Bills running around Kintargo skinning people.
 
Norgorber’s cults are very secretive under the best circumstances, and the worship of Norgorber in his aspect as Father Skinsaw even more so. Happily Civilla can interrogate the city’s bird population for information now, thanks to a spell she learned off the Tengu, and corvids are very bright birds. It would seem the cult is operating out of a building we’re quite familiar with - the Fantasmogorium. At least they won’t have access to the waxwork of Kintargo’s most notorious serial killer - god knows what they could have done with THAT. Of course then there’s the question of what Civilla can do with it. She’s had it in her possession for months. Anyway, time to plan a commando raid.
 
… there are quite a few cultists in the building.
 
GM: Normally they’d come at you in waves, but you just HAD to come to them…
 
At least Terzo has brought a friend - one Bertuscio Corvus, a barrister who has become so incensed by the actions of the Dottari, Hell-knights of the Rack, and the militia in general, that he goes out at night and teaches them a lesson about  judicial overreach. With a whip. 
 
Although Terzo laughed til he cried when he heard that detail. But refused to explain why it’s so hilarious.
 
Terzo: It’s related to why I trust him. And why neither of us ever got married, actually.
Civilla: OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES!
 
And there’s the added advantage that even though Bertuscio is going around as the vigilante The Silver Fox, his actual surname is yet another confounding factor in any divinations seeking the Silver Ravens. Terzo doesn’t know that Bertuscio is actually a Kitsune - there was more than one thing they had long practise at keeping private - but does observe that while Silver Fox is one potential description of Bert, a better one is ‘polar bear’, especially now he’s aged out of his formally ginger Beard of Awesome.
 
Civilla tests the cutists' alertness with Luster the homunculus, and an Invisible Stalker.
 
Civilla’s player: Can Terzo and his…
Terzo’s player: Friend.
Civilla’s player: Terzo and his ‘friend’ even roll under 6 on a stealth check? Actually I don’t know what the relationship between Ayva and Portia is. 
Ayva’s player: We’re not partners.
Civilla’s player: Oh good, so I don’t have to say ‘the four couples sneak forward’. Actually, I don’t want to know about the cousins.
Rajira’s player: Mahat and I are worshippers of Calistria. We can avoid that question.
Civilla’s player: I note you said ‘avoid’.
Rajira’s player: That’s the advantage of being a follower of Calistria - you always have options.
 
Civilla hits the oblivious cultists with Hungry Earth, the description of which reads: "The ground attempts to pull creatures beneath its surface as if hungry for the flesh of mortals."
 
Ayva: Bloody hell.
Civilla: It’s like I said - Everything I do should be more or less terrifying.
 
In fact, a cult that prefers to attack from ambush, in pairs, is completely ill-prepared when surprised by an enemy with the same tactics. Especially when some of us can cast Walls of Fire to stop them running away. And Black Tentacles, so they’re doubly grappled. And on fire.
 
Bertuscio: Part of me is wondering whether this can really be justified as ‘killing in self-defense’ when they’re so thoroughly outmatched.
Civilla: This isn’t ‘killing in self-defense’ - it’s ‘killing in defense of the city’.
 
It’s questionable whether the rest of the cultists have even heard the commotion yet.
 
Cultists: Those.. those don’t sound like fun screams.
Avya: Don’t we WANT them to run into the killzone?
Civilla: We kinda do, actually.
Ayva: I’m going to have to do a painting of this soon. As a warning to others.
 
Given some of the tentacles are writhing under the door into the next room and the floor is making disturbing gobbling noises, the other Skinsaw Cultists might be reluctant to rush in.
 
Cultist One: We have to get in there!
Cultist Two: You first.
 
One of the cultists we have cornered manages to yell for help.
 
Civilla: What does he yell?
GM: Mostly inarticulate screaming at this point.
 
Terzo doesn’t have much to do, other than stroll along after the slaughter and occasionally check over his shoulder in case anybody is about to attack us from behind.
 
Terzo: *somewhat faintly* Well, this seems to be going … well. Given Bert just wrapped his whip around that cultist’s neck and his head came off. 
Rajira: No it didn’t, he didn’t get a Decap Critical.
Terzo: With the amount of blood that just sprayed around the room, does it really matter?
Rajira: Not really. 
Civilla: Don’t worry, in a few seconds the floor will have eaten them and you won’t have to look at it.
 
It’s already eaten most of the prone and screaming cultists. Their friends are probably going to be upset about this, so we’re kind enough to hit them with a Euphoric Cloud. The surviving cultists flee to try to get around behind us. They’ll have to go out the main doors and around the entire building, since we made our own entrance to avoid any such ambushes first. And unlike the party they don’t know the old museum is built like an IKEA with secret passages everywhere for the staff. 
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels : Stone Cold Crazy
 
It’s a pity we’re so busy now the Rebellion has gone overt, because Civilla never got around to investigating what a Soul Anchor is. That sounds important. Terzo’s also been too busy to privately ask Civilla who ‘Cizmerkis’ is, but he’s unlikely to be happy when he finds out.
 
Terzo OoC: You see this? This isn’t my angry face. This is my disappointed face.
Rajira OoC: As opposed to his confused face, which we’re used to.
 
Civilla: It can’t have been the Green Hag we killed, I still have her head in a bag. 
Rajira: This one doesn’t have a head.
Civilla: Ah.
 
The reason she HAS the head is probably something else Terzo doesn’t want to know. It might be related to the ‘Founder of Dynasties’ feat Civilla acquired, and her relationship with fellow changeling Shimza.
 
Terzo OoC: So we are going to find out what purestrain Changelings are like? Hopefully nothing like Purestrain Genestealers.
 
The Skinsaw Cult would seem to be a priority, now. 
 
Civilla: PEOPLE are DYING.
Terzo OoC: Well yes, we’ve got an entire cult of Buffalo Bills running around Kintargo skinning people.
 
Norgorber’s cults are very secretive under the best circumstances, and the worship of Norgorber in his aspect as Father Skinsaw even more so. Happily Civilla can interrogate the city’s bird population for information now, thanks to a spell she learned off the Tengu, and corvids are very bright birds. It would seem the cult is operating out of a building we’re quite familiar with - the Fantasmogorium. At least they won’t have access to the waxwork of Kintargo’s most notorious serial killer - god knows what they could have done with THAT. Of course then there’s the question of what Civilla can do with it. She’s had it in her possession for months. Anyway, time to plan a commando raid.
 
… there are quite a few cultists in the building.
 
GM: Normally they’d come at you in waves, but you just HAD to come to them…
 
At least Terzo has brought a friend - one Bertuscio Corvus, a barrister who has become so incensed by the actions of the Dottari, Hell-knights of the Rack, and the militia in general, that he goes out at night and teaches them a lesson about  judicial overreach. With a whip. 
 
Although Terzo laughed til he cried when he heard that detail. But refused to explain why it’s so hilarious.
 
Terzo: It’s related to why I trust him. And why neither of us ever got married, actually.
Civilla: OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES!
 
And there’s the added advantage that even though Bertuscio is going around as the vigilante The Silver Fox, his actual surname is yet another confounding factor in any divinations seeking the Silver Ravens. Terzo doesn’t know that Bertuscio is actually a Kitsune - there was more than one thing they had long practise at keeping private - but does observe that while Silver Fox is one potential description of Bert, a better one is ‘polar bear’, especially now he’s aged out of his formally ginger Beard of Awesome.
 
Civilla tests the cutists' alertness with Luster the homunculus, and an Invisible Stalker.
 
Civilla’s player: Can Terzo and his…
Terzo’s player: Friend.
Civilla’s player: Terzo and his ‘friend’ even roll under 6 on a stealth check? Actually I don’t know what the relationship between Ayva and Portia is. 
Ayva’s player: We’re not partners.
Civilla’s player: Oh good, so I don’t have to say ‘the four couples sneak forward’. Actually, I don’t want to know about the cousins.
Rajira’s player: Mahat and I are worshippers of Calistria. We can avoid that question.
Civilla’s player: I note you said ‘avoid’.
Rajira’s player: That’s the advantage of being a follower of Calistria - you always have options.
 
Civilla hits the oblivious cultists with Hungry Earth, the description of which reads: "The ground attempts to pull creatures beneath its surface as if hungry for the flesh of mortals."
 
Ayva: Bloody hell.
Civilla: It’s like I said - Everything I do should be more or less terrifying.
 
In fact, a cult that prefers to attack from ambush, in pairs, is completely ill-prepared when surprised by an enemy with the same tactics. Especially when some of us can cast Walls of Fire to stop them running away. And Black Tentacles, so they’re doubly grappled. And on fire.
 
Bertuscio: Part of me is wondering whether this can really be justified as ‘killing in self-defense’ when they’re so thoroughly outmatched.
Civilla: This isn’t ‘killing in self-defense’ - it’s ‘killing in defense of the city’.
 
It’s questionable whether the rest of the cultists have even heard the commotion yet.
 
Cultists: Those.. those don’t sound like fun screams.
Avya: Don’t we WANT them to run into the killzone?
Civilla: We kinda do, actually.
Ayva: I’m going to have to do a painting of this soon. As a warning to others.
 
Given some of the tentacles are writhing under the door into the next room and the floor is making disturbing gobbling noises, the other Skinsaw Cultists might be reluctant to rush in.
 
Cultist One: We have to get in there!
Cultist Two: You first.
 
One of the cultists we have cornered manages to yell for help.
 
Civilla: What does he yell?
GM: Mostly inarticulate screaming at this point.
 
Terzo doesn’t have much to do, other than stroll along after the slaughter and occasionally check over his shoulder in case anybody is about to attack us from behind.
 
Terzo: *somewhat faintly* Well, this seems to be going … well. Given Bert just wrapped his whip around that cultist’s neck and his head came off. 
Rajira: No it didn’t, he didn’t get a Decap Critical.
Terzo: With the amount of blood that just sprayed around the room, does it really matter?
Rajira: Not really. 
Civilla: Don’t worry, in a few seconds the floor will have eaten them and you won’t have to look at it.
 
It’s already eaten most of the prone and screaming cultists. Their friends are probably going to be upset about this, so we’re kind enough to hit them with a Euphoric Cloud. The surviving cultists flee to try to get around behind us. They’ll have to go out the main doors and around the entire building, since we made our own entrance to avoid any such ambushes first. And unlike the party they don’t know the old museum is built like an IKEA with secret passages everywhere for the staff. 
 

Trying to ID dragonflies Weldun and Sundog saw
 
Arram’s player: Six weeks of work and it turns out to have a Twix wrapper caught in an updraft
 
The players have also been discussing cultivating Brown Mold, for its spectacular heat-draining abilities, to make a walk-in freezer or even a refrigerated warehouse.
 
Kernel’s player: kinda icky, but it certainly works… why does it feel like brown mold is an automatic thermal regulator that escaped from one of the crashed spaceships
 
At least we should be able to get back out of the old monastery basement, if we only use the very edge of the stairs out. There’s also a bunch of doors down here that invite checking. Of course nobody bought door spikes or ten-foot-poles, because, as previously noted, we are not adventurers.  Happily, the Monastery doesn't seem very monstery, at least for now. The only signs of life down here is the mold that ate the stored food, then starved to death itself. Happily, it wasn’t Brown Mold.
 
Kernel: That’s well beyond Purify Food and Water. Interesting fact, if you cast Purify Food and Water on cheese you still get cheese.
Gonno: But what happens if you cast it on Casu Marzu?
Skave’s player: *looks up Casu Marzu* DRHOZ. I WAS EATING.
 
The next room used to be someone’s office.
 
Arram: ‘Day 300 - The cult is going well  - no one suspects a thing’
Skave: ‘Day 301 - Oh no they found me out. AEIEEE’
Eddison: And yet he had the wherewithal to write that out.
 
There’s a pair of magical climbing gloves in one of the monk’s cells. And some really nice silverware in the kitchen. 
 
Eddison OOC: Might be platinum. Or aluminium. Sorry, in fantasy language ‘mithril’.
 
In fact he’s so distracted by the servingware that the dining room full of zombies is a bit of a surprise. 
 
Skave: Don’t mind us, we didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner! *slams the door shut again*
Arram: We can do some comprehensive looting once we’re sure nothing is trying to kill us. 
 
At least we haven’t been attacked by Vargouilles yet. Of course, that might mean the monsters are lurking somewhere in the country around Selversgard. Not that we have any shortage of monsters in the old chapel of the murdered god Aroden - more zombies led by a Zombie Lord.
 
Zombie Lord: You …are not…welcome here. This is … the temple… of our dead Lord.

Some frantic in-party communication ensues by way of waggling eyebrows - we decide we can probably get away with a few questions before we have to run.
 
Skave OoC: Knowledge Religion Check, Are there any gestures of supplication for Aroden? Hand movements, Gang Signs?
Eddison OoC: GANG SIGNS?!
 
Zombie Lord: Vargouilles… do not concern me. Trespassers… on holy ground…concern me.
Eddison: The Vargouilles prey on humans.
Zombie Lord: Humanity turned… its back… on our Lord. Only we remain.
Eddison: Ah. A cult of Undead worshiping a dead god. 
Zombie Lord: If you do not leave… then you must stay.
Eddison OOC: Another visitor! Stay a while, stay forever!
 
Skave: Okaysorryaboutbotheringyouwe’regoingnow (Quick, bunch them up by the door!)
 
They’re not just zombies, they’re zombie MONKS, and they’ve remembered their Monk abilities, such as Stunning Fist. It’s just as well we have all kinds of special abilities too. 
Eddison Finally takes down the Zombie Lord with a Mystic bolt, leaving a single zombie writhing in a Web spell. 
 
Skave: *Critical fail attempting to shoot an immobilised target with his crossbow* Sigh. Gonno? He’s all yours…
Gonno: *flying kick with appropriate Wuxia sound effects*
 
Time to check the upper levels of the monastery. We take considerable care - we don’t want to fall through rotten timber again and plunge through multiple levels until we’re in the basement again.
 
GM: You come across a ruined office. You may make a Perception check.
Arram OoC: It’s OK, I like surprises in my life.
GM: There is a buzzing sound from the office.
Skave OoC: Well, give one to the IT Staff, All this time and the servers are still running!
Kernel OoC: It might be a Zombie SysAdmin and we’ll be be f***ed.
 
Unfortunately, it’s wasps. A lot of very angry wasps.
 
Both Skave and Eddison throw Alchemist’s fire flasks at it, to little effect. At least we establish that despite their reputation, wasps are not Evil, because if they were our attacks that do extra damage to Evil things would be more effective. Perhaps the wasps had been provoked by the Vargouilles in the next room. THEY are definitely evil. 
 
Skave, Loudly: FINALLY! My mutagen just ran out!

Kernel Summons an Aggressive Thundercloud next to one of them.
 
Thundercloud: Grrr. argh! *thunder rumble*
 
Skave Manages to take one out in a single shot. 
 
Skave: Wait, what?
 
He’s then promptly paralysed by another’s Shriek.
 
Skave: ZART
 
Gonno intervenes and uses one of the Vargouilles as a Speed Punching Bag, until it explodes.
 
Gonno: WHACKITAWHACKITAWHACKITA - I think I broke it.
 
Skave breathes a sigh of relief as his paralysis fades.
 
Skave: …Is that all of them?
Kernel OoC: Famous Last words of a horror movie victim…
 

Trying to ID dragonflies Weldun and Sundog saw
 
Arram’s player: Six weeks of work and it turns out to have a Twix wrapper caught in an updraft
 
The players have also been discussing cultivating Brown Mold, for its spectacular heat-draining abilities, to make a walk-in freezer or even a refrigerated warehouse.
 
Kernel’s player: kinda icky, but it certainly works… why does it feel like brown mold is an automatic thermal regulator that escaped from one of the crashed spaceships
 
At least we should be able to get back out of the old monastery basement, if we only use the very edge of the stairs out. There’s also a bunch of doors down here that invite checking. Of course nobody bought door spikes or ten-foot-poles, because, as previously noted, we are not adventurers.  Happily, the Monastery doesn't seem very monstery, at least for now. The only signs of life down here is the mold that ate the stored food, then starved to death itself. Happily, it wasn’t Brown Mold.
 
Kernel: That’s well beyond Purify Food and Water. Interesting fact, if you cast Purify Food and Water on cheese you still get cheese.
Gonno: But what happens if you cast it on Casu Marzu?
Skave’s player: *looks up Casu Marzu* DRHOZ. I WAS EATING.
 
The next room used to be someone’s office.
 
Arram: ‘Day 300 - The cult is going well  - no one suspects a thing’
Skave: ‘Day 301 - Oh no they found me out. AEIEEE’
Eddison: And yet he had the wherewithal to write that out.
 
There’s a pair of magical climbing gloves in one of the monk’s cells. And some really nice silverware in the kitchen. 
 
Eddison OOC: Might be platinum. Or aluminium. Sorry, in fantasy language ‘mithril’.
 
In fact he’s so distracted by the servingware that the dining room full of zombies is a bit of a surprise. 
 
Skave: Don’t mind us, we didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner! *slams the door shut again*
Arram: We can do some comprehensive looting once we’re sure nothing is trying to kill us. 
 
At least we haven’t been attacked by Vargouilles yet. Of course, that might mean the monsters are lurking somewhere in the country around Selversgard. Not that we have any shortage of monsters in the old chapel of the murdered god Aroden - more zombies led by a Zombie Lord.
 
Zombie Lord: You …are not…welcome here. This is … the temple… of our dead Lord.

Some frantic in-party communication ensues by way of waggling eyebrows - we decide we can probably get away with a few questions before we have to run.
 
Skave OoC: Knowledge Religion Check, Are there any gestures of supplication for Aroden? Hand movements, Gang Signs?
Eddison OoC: GANG SIGNS?!
 
Zombie Lord: Vargouilles… do not concern me. Trespassers… on holy ground…concern me.
Eddison: The Vargouilles prey on humans.
Zombie Lord: Humanity turned… its back… on our Lord. Only we remain.
Eddison: Ah. A cult of Undead worshiping a dead god. 
Zombie Lord: If you do not leave… then you must stay.
Eddison OOC: Another visitor! Stay a while, stay forever!
 
Skave: Okaysorryaboutbotheringyouwe’regoingnow (Quick, bunch them up by the door!)
 
They’re not just zombies, they’re zombie MONKS, and they’ve remembered their Monk abilities, such as Stunning Fist. It’s just as well we have all kinds of special abilities too. 
Eddison Finally takes down the Zombie Lord with a Mystic bolt, leaving a single zombie writhing in a Web spell. 
 
Skave: *Critical fail attempting to shoot an immobilised target with his crossbow* Sigh. Gonno? He’s all yours…
Gonno: *flying kick with appropriate Wuxia sound effects*
 
Time to check the upper levels of the monastery. We take considerable care - we don’t want to fall through rotten timber again and plunge through multiple levels until we’re in the basement again.
 
GM: You come across a ruined office. You may make a Perception check.
Arram OoC: It’s OK, I like surprises in my life.
GM: There is a buzzing sound from the office.
Skave OoC: Well, give one to the IT Staff, All this time and the servers are still running!
Kernel OoC: It might be a Zombie SysAdmin and we’ll be be f***ed.
 
Unfortunately, it’s wasps. A lot of very angry wasps.
 
Both Skave and Eddison throw Alchemist’s fire flasks at it, to little effect. At least we establish that despite their reputation, wasps are not Evil, because if they were our attacks that do extra damage to Evil things would be more effective. Perhaps the wasps had been provoked by the Vargouilles in the next room. THEY are definitely evil. 
 
Skave, Loudly: FINALLY! My mutagen just ran out!

Kernel Summons an Aggressive Thundercloud next to one of them.
 
Thundercloud: Grrr. argh! *thunder rumble*
 
Skave Manages to take one out in a single shot. 
 
Skave: Wait, what?
 
He’s then promptly paralysed by another’s Shriek.
 
Skave: ZART
 
Gonno intervenes and uses one of the Vargouilles as a Speed Punching Bag, until it explodes.
 
Gonno: WHACKITAWHACKITAWHACKITA - I think I broke it.
 
Skave breathes a sigh of relief as his paralysis fades.
 
Skave: …Is that all of them?
Kernel OoC: Famous Last words of a horror movie victim…
 

Trying to ID dragonflies Weldun and Sundog saw
 
Arram’s player: Six weeks of work and it turns out to have a Twix wrapper caught in an updraft
 
The players have also been discussing cultivating Brown Mold, for its spectacular heat-draining abilities, to make a walk-in freezer or even a refrigerated warehouse.
 
Kernel’s player: kinda icky, but it certainly works… why does it feel like brown mold is an automatic thermal regulator that escaped from one of the crashed spaceships
 
At least we should be able to get back out of the old monastery basement, if we only use the very edge of the stairs out. There’s also a bunch of doors down here that invite checking. Of course nobody bought door spikes or ten-foot-poles, because, as previously noted, we are not adventurers.  Happily, the Monastery doesn't seem very monstery, at least for now. The only signs of life down here is the mold that ate the stored food, then starved to death itself. Happily, it wasn’t Brown Mold.
 
Kernel: That’s well beyond Purify Food and Water. Interesting fact, if you cast Purify Food and Water on cheese you still get cheese.
Gonno: But what happens if you cast it on Casu Marzu?
Skave’s player: *looks up Casu Marzu* DRHOZ. I WAS EATING.
 
The next room used to be someone’s office.
 
Arram: ‘Day 300 - The cult is going well  - no one suspects a thing’
Skave: ‘Day 301 - Oh no they found me out. AEIEEE’
Eddison: And yet he had the wherewithal to write that out.
 
There’s a pair of magical climbing gloves in one of the monk’s cells. And some really nice silverware in the kitchen. 
 
Eddison OOC: Might be platinum. Or aluminium. Sorry, in fantasy language ‘mithril’.
 
In fact he’s so distracted by the servingware that the dining room full of zombies is a bit of a surprise. 
 
Skave: Don’t mind us, we didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner! *slams the door shut again*
Arram: We can do some comprehensive looting once we’re sure nothing is trying to kill us. 
 
At least we haven’t been attacked by Vargouilles yet. Of course, that might mean the monsters are lurking somewhere in the country around Selversgard. Not that we have any shortage of monsters in the old chapel of the murdered god Aroden - more zombies led by a Zombie Lord.
 
Zombie Lord: You …are not…welcome here. This is … the temple… of our dead Lord.

Some frantic in-party communication ensues by way of waggling eyebrows - we decide we can probably get away with a few questions before we have to run.
 
Skave OoC: Knowledge Religion Check, Are there any gestures of supplication for Aroden? Hand movements, Gang Signs?
Eddison OoC: GANG SIGNS?!
 
Zombie Lord: Vargouilles… do not concern me. Trespassers… on holy ground…concern me.
Eddison: The Vargouilles prey on humans.
Zombie Lord: Humanity turned… its back… on our Lord. Only we remain.
Eddison: Ah. A cult of Undead worshiping a dead god. 
Zombie Lord: If you do not leave… then you must stay.
Eddison OOC: Another visitor! Stay a while, stay forever!
 
Skave: Okaysorryaboutbotheringyouwe’regoingnow (Quick, bunch them up by the door!)
 
They’re not just zombies, they’re zombie MONKS, and they’ve remembered their Monk abilities, such as Stunning Fist. It’s just as well we have all kinds of special abilities too. 
Eddison Finally takes down the Zombie Lord with a Mystic bolt, leaving a single zombie writhing in a Web spell. 
 
Skave: *Critical fail attempting to shoot an immobilised target with his crossbow* Sigh. Gonno? He’s all yours…
Gonno: *flying kick with appropriate Wuxia sound effects*
 
Time to check the upper levels of the monastery. We take considerable care - we don’t want to fall through rotten timber again and plunge through multiple levels until we’re in the basement again.
 
GM: You come across a ruined office. You may make a Perception check.
Arram OoC: It’s OK, I like surprises in my life.
GM: There is a buzzing sound from the office.
Skave OoC: Well, give one to the IT Staff, All this time and the servers are still running!
Kernel OoC: It might be a Zombie SysAdmin and we’ll be be f***ed.
 
Unfortunately, it’s wasps. A lot of very angry wasps.
 
Both Skave and Eddison throw Alchemist’s fire flasks at it, to little effect. At least we establish that despite their reputation, wasps are not Evil, because if they were our attacks that do extra damage to Evil things would be more effective. Perhaps the wasps had been provoked by the Vargouilles in the next room. THEY are definitely evil. 
 
Skave, Loudly: FINALLY! My mutagen just ran out!

Kernel Summons an Aggressive Thundercloud next to one of them.
 
Thundercloud: Grrr. argh! *thunder rumble*
 
Skave Manages to take one out in a single shot. 
 
Skave: Wait, what?
 
He’s then promptly paralysed by another’s Shriek.
 
Skave: ZART
 
Gonno intervenes and uses one of the Vargouilles as a Speed Punching Bag, until it explodes.
 
Gonno: WHACKITAWHACKITAWHACKITA - I think I broke it.
 
Skave breathes a sigh of relief as his paralysis fades.
 
Skave: …Is that all of them?
Kernel OoC: Famous Last words of a horror movie victim…
 

Selversgard Pt.18
 
Gonno’s player: It’s a pretty odd-looking weevil, but it has a certain charm. But then, weevils are highly charismatic insects. 
 
22nd of Kuthona, the day after the Winter Solstice. A very cold, but also very dry, winter. So lacking in snowfall, in fact, that Selversgard’s lumber interests have continued working well into the month since transporting the lumber is so easy. Eddison is at work at the Drowned Carp when somebody comes in looking for Mother Maybell - she isn’t in her office. Eddison suggests checking by the river - the River of Souls is a major feature of the Golarion afterlife. Apparently somebody at the logging camp is extremely ill. The aquatic elf suggests he try asking Silas of the Green next - he seems to know half the stuff that happens in Selversgard.
 
Eddison finds Mother Maybell first - she’s talking to a tall black man holding a spear taller than he is.
 
Skave’s player: Asking for context - Black as in African, or Black as in Salamander Space Marine?
Eddison’s player: I was about to ask the same thing - chocolate or sable?
 
The newcomer is one Djeketh. He’s going to need a room.
 
Djeketh: Pleasure to meet you.
Eddison: Believe me that feeling will pass.
 
Eddison passes on the news about the problem at the camp. Apparently disturbing things are happening to the head of the patient.
 
Mother Maybell: Well, let’s go past my office to collect my things and we’ll head out there.
Eddison: We?
Mother Maybell: I’m not going out there by myself.
Eddison: *sigh* I know, I know - It’s just ‘refusing the call’ bubbling up again.
 
At least he can send somebody to fetch Arram and Skave.
 
Skave: You want me to leave the Warren? In the middle of *winter*? We built central heating into the place for a REASON.
 
The patient is there. His head isn’t.
 
Gonno OoC: That seems inconvenient.
 
According to the other lumberjacks, the man was complaining of feeling unwell, and his ears started growing. When they went to check on him, his head was gone. There are definite signs of disease and stress on the remains. 
 
Gonno OoC: A really really bad migraine?
 
Skave recognises the symptoms - the missing head is pretty distinctive. The unfortunate man was kissed by a Vargouille, grotesque flying heads with bat-like wings, originally from the Lower Planes.
 
Skave: Oof, No wonder. Poor guy got a face full of Outsider Wing-Wong.
 
Vargouilles can also be Summoned, with distressing ease. It’s just as well they can only transform humanoids into more vargouille or Golarion would be overrun with them. But how did he get Kissed without him or anybody else noticing? He must have been a very deep sleeper. If they’re smart enough to chew holes in the back of tents, and can infect people that are merely sleeping, everybody in the camp and back in Selversgard is in danger. 
 
Skave: Welp, I’m done, I’m going home.
Arram: No you’re not, get back here.
Gonno’s player: Doesn’t the Warren have ventilation shafts?
 
As part Outsider themselves, Gonno and his wife might be immune, but it’s not worth the risk of finding out. 
 
Eddison: I’d rather be wrong about them NOT being immune, than be wrong about thinking they are.
 
How do Vargouille reproduce in the Lower Planes anyway? Is there some kind of indigenous humanoid there? Or is it like salmon reproducing far upstream, and they can only multiply after some idiot summons them to the Material Plane? And since they can turn a victim into another Vargouille in less than a day, we have to find and exterminate them all before a small problem becomes a very very big one.
 
Eddison: That’s the problem with geometric progression - you either deal with it early or you’re done.
 
On the material plane, these monsters usually occupy graveyards, ancient battlefields, or anywhere one can find remnants of death and decay. There aren’t many places that match that description around Selversgard, with the possible exception of the abandoned monastery of Aroden. Arram, Eddison, and Skave send a runner back to town to warn everybody, and fetch Gonno. 
 
GM: You’d probably like Miya here too, but she’s a bit waddly at the moment.
 
At least there’s one person at the logging camp who is almost certainly immune to the Varguoille’s Kiss, and Scream. Because he’s made of wood. Kernel is a wizard, an engineer, and a Wyrwood. Wyrwoods are self-replicating constructs created by a cadre of argumentative wizards who clearly hadn’t heard all the stories about such constructs developing free will and a very understandable grudge. Not that he has a grudge against the people of Selversgard - he’s very cheerful and friendly.
 
Gonno OoC: So, roughly, how many races out there exist because wizards wanted obedient slaves but hadn't heard of the Three Laws of Robotics? I'm not even going to try to count all the races that exist because humans can't keep it in their pants.
 
Eddison’s player: I really want to get Kernel a Khakkhara. That way I can call him Kernel Clink.
 
Skave leaves a few bottles of Polypurpose Panacea and Mwangian Marching Powder with the logging camp’s guards, just in case.
 
Skave: Be very careful with the powder, it’ll give you the jitters…
Eddison: Or, you know, you could just give them coffee.
Gonno OoC: Surely coffee is the base ingredient of the Panacea. 
 
When Gonno gets the note, his eyebrows practically climb off his head, but he sets out almost immediately. Not happily, but he’s the only person in Selversgard who can travel fast enough to get back to the logging camp before dark. 
 
Gonno: Once the sun gets below the mountains I am in considerable danger.
Eddison: Vargouilles have no problem with sunlight.
Gonno: F***. That’s worse.
 
Indeed, it is worse - because he fails his Perception and his Stealth checks, and falls in a giant trapdoor spider pit. Happily, there's only a spider in the pit, and not a vargouille. He pulps it, and continues on his way.
 
Eddison: Is that silk on your fists?
Gonno: *nods, but doesn’t look happy about it*
 
At least everybody in the party has darkvision - a definite advantage if we don’t want to be surprised by Vargouilles swooping down on us in the dark. The ruins are roughly rectangular, and accompanied by some smaller outbuildings. The stonework is the only thing remaining after two hundred years. Skave hands out some useful potions and unguents, just in case. Arram remembers what he can of the layout, based on that map he found years ago - the main building definitely has a basement level, which we intend to check first. Edison casts Continual Flame on one of the torches Gonno brought with him. We stick close to each other - the Vargouille’s Scream has such a large area of effect that splitting up is unlikely to help. 
Unfortunately, we don’t even get to the main building, before skeletal limbs start clawing their way out of the thick undergrowth surrounding the old challenge circle. 
 
Skave: …. That is a lot of zombies…. *watching in increasing alarm*  HOW MANY ZOMBIES ARE THERE.
Eddison OoC: Look at it this way - more XP.
 
At least zombies are slow - we leg it for the exit to the compound, although Arram gets hamstrung by one as he leads the retreat.
 
Skave: Ysoki super secret special move: RUN!
 
Unfortunately Continual Flame can’t ignite all the tinder-dry undergrowth.
 
Gonno’s player: I think we’re going to be relying on Arram and Skave’s pyromania for a bit. 
 
We continue to withdraw, until the mass of zombies has been lured into one solid mass. Then we start applying our own Area Attacks. Or Flurry of Blows with his new Pummeling Style in the case of Gonno.
 
Skave: He poked it a few times and it exploded.
Eddison OoC: Ah, Fist of the North Star, got it. 
Gonno OoC: You are Already Dead.
Skave OoC: Well yeah, it’s a zombie?
 
We cautiously search the remains and the yard, but all we find is a slightly enchanted garden rake.
 
Kernel: Someone made a +1 rake?
Eddison: Monks are weird.
 
The monk that decided to meditate himself to death in one of the outbuildings probably was anyway. At least Arram and Skave recall enough about the religious practices of the church of Aroden that they can recommend proper funeral rites. We enter the main building, seeking the basement, whereupon Gonno promptly falls through the rotten floor.
 
Gonno: I’VE FOUND THE BASEMENT.
Arram: Well, I’m not leaving him down there on his own. Down I go.
Eddison: Sensible people move away from the danger. *Jumps down*
Skave: Come on, this is how you do it! *jumps in, lands directly on his tail* OW F***!
 
Professional adventurers probably wouldn’t all injure themselves falling or jumping into a ruined basement likely infested with Vargouilles. But as we’ve made abundantly clear over the last few years, we are not professional adventurers. 
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels : Prog Rock Dinosaur
 
So which of this many jobs should we do first? 
 
Civilla’s player: Catch a pokemon, apparently.
Terzo’s player: Digimon, surely, with a name like Hetamon.
 
Hetamon Haace is a tailor and proprietor of The Devil's Threads in Kintargo, He also secretly operates a cult dedicated to the goddess Milani known as the Rose of Kintargo. Civilla was left a note from him some time back, urging her to concentrate on making allies rather than the usual revolutionary activities like assassinating arch-dukes or writing out Romani ite domum one hundred times. We check at the Devil’s Threads, but the building is shuttered up. There’s no sign of forced entry. It would seem Hetamon went to the Masquerade and didn’t come back. Lictor Octavio of the Order of the Rack suggests we use an improved version of the Locate Person spell, that the Order of the Rack used to great effect when seeking kidnap victims. It seems Hetamon is underneath the ruins of the Silver Star. Shensen’s ears certainly prick up - the Silver Star was her music shop and home, and one of the first buildings destroyed by Thrune’s agents. She wants to come with us, not least because she wants to see what happened to her home, but because she’s worried about her dinosaur. 
 
At least we have all those Hats of Disguise the devils at the Opera House were wearing. 
 
Terzo: So…a dinosaur you say?
Shensen: Yes, his name is Guttugger.
Terzo: I was under the impression that dinosaurs are generally… large… animals?
 
Shensen tells us she had an escape tunnel prepared - hopefully it’s still intact.
 
Ayva: … sigh, we’re going through the sewers again.
Terzo: So…you’re absolutely sure we can get this dinosaur of yours out through the sewers?
Shensen: … he’ll be fine. Erubdiya? Are you here?
Terzo: How many dinosaurs do you have down here?
 
Erubdiya is actually a Slime Naga - a 30ft long snake with the head of an old man. Rajira and Mahat bow deeply, while Terzo tries to get his heart rate under control. The Naga is pleased, but surprised to see us here - apparently Shensen’s old hideout is now occupied by the Naga’s new friend.
 
Shensen: Ah.. new friend? There’s still some stuff of mine that I need to pick up. And there’s apparently someone that’s been bought here?
 
The Naga immediately attacks her. Shensen is surprised by this.
 
Terzo: So am I - my adrenaline was already spiking, I’m not sure how much more excited I can be.
 
Shensen apparently concludes that her Naga friend is under some kind of enchantment, and attempts a Countersong - the mind control promptly vanishes. She’s a very good singer.
 
Erubdiya: Shensen? There you are, old girl, how have you been?
Rajira: You do remember what happens under a compulsion spell.
Terzo: Yes, but they’re not a YOUNG Naga.
Erubdiya: Wait.. Shensen? You have to get out of here, your hideout’s been taken over by some sword-wielding bat winged b***h. 
 
Apparently the b***h is a half-succubus named Natsiel, who wanted to corrupt Shensen’s shrine to Sarenrae. 
 
Rajira: That’s OK, I have an entire temple to Calistria. You should see how we dress it up on the High Holy Days.
 
Apparently the half-succubus also kidnapped her son.
 
Rajira: Shensen’s son?
Erubdiya: No, Natsiel’s son.
Rajira:.. What?
Terzo: Quarter-succubus, presumably. Wait, this son isn’t named Hetamon, is he?
Erubdiya: That’s him!
Rajira: … alrighty then. Let’s get in there and kill her. 
 
It would appear that Hetamon isn’t the only person Natsiel has been enchanting and bringing down here - Strea Vestori, of the Tiefling Rights organisation we helped with that Tooth Fairy problem months ago, is down here under the same sort of compulsion Erubdiya was under. Terzo breaks that one. 
 
Terzo: There's all kinds of ways to use countermelodies, contrapuntal themes, and deliberate dissonance to unravel an enchantment. But I can think of a much simpler way to derail a compulsion spell, using a musical trigger that's much stronger. SWEET CAROLIIIINE.
Strea: Ba Ba BAA-wait, what? Where am I?
 
Once Strea realizes where she is, she tries to flee, but we grab her before she accidentally alerts the half-succubus. Apparently Natsiel is mid-ritual to turn somebody into a guardian for the desecrated temple. We split up to attack the ritual room from two directions, preparing to keep the Hags and fiend off their feet and otherwise disabled, and if necessary Countersong from both ends of the shrine.
 
Ayva: A bard at both ends is a good idea.
Rajira: And sounds extremely rude.
 
The secret shrine to Sarenrae has been thoroughly desecrated and redecorated in honour of Mestama, the Mother of Witches and Demon-lord of Hags. There’s the body of a Green Hag floating in the once sacred pool.
 
Terzo: Isn’t that the green hag we killed earlier?
Rajira: Yes. 
Terzo: Did we ever find out if they were related to Civilla or not?
 
The GM starts setting up a Green Hag miniature.
 
Rajira: Greener than normal, they’ve been dead for weeks.
GM: No no, these are the ones that are still alive. 
Rajira: … Ah. Jealous of the dead one, they’re not as green
 
GM: Ayva Used Surf! It was Super Effective!
 
The half-succubus turns invisible, but only long enough for Terzo to hit her with Glitterdust. The now shiny fiend glares murderously at the poet.
 
Terzo: Just thought I’d Zhoosh you up a bit. 
 
One of the hags, bloodied, beaten nearly to a pulp, and prone, decides her best course of action is to turn into a tree. Her spell fizzles. It was probably a terrible idea anyway - Terzo was planning on setting them all on fire with Blistering Invective next.
 
GM: Did you just use Surf AGAIN.
Ayva: Of course I did, it’s Super Effective
 
Once her allies are dead and the corpse floating in the sacred pond pretty much pulped, Netsiel rolls herself into a Dimension Door and escapes.
 
Terzo: What a pity, I was going to criticize her decoration choices.
Avya: Don’t do that, some of them might be Shensen’s. ‘This picture is so tacky’ ‘’that’s one of mine’ ‘-but in a delightful way’
 
Civilla destroys the corpses with her Wand of Decompose Corpse. That should ensure the ritual can never be attempted in future. Then we all help Shensen clean the chapel and set up the reconsecration. And find Hetamon, who does not enjoy a good relationship with his mother.
 
Hetamon Haace: You didn’t kill her, did you?
Rajira: No - she teleported away.
Hetamon: Grr. Well, next time.
 
Rajira’s player: Tailor - check. Spy - check. Despised species - check. Manipulated by a parent - check. When did Garak become part of our Pathfinder game?
 
We also find Shensen’s dinosaur, who had barricaded himself into one of the other rooms, and bursts out and pounces onto Shensen.
 
Terzo: *eyeing the Deinonychus’ four-inch disemboweling claws.* Ah. That’s why you called it Guttugger.
Shensen: Yes!
Ayva: *eyeing the Deinonychus that’s babbling in Elvish.* Ah. It’s an AWAKENED Deinonychus.
Rajira: That’s horrifying. 
GM: No major comments about Shensen Having a freakin' Deinonychus Companion with the personality of a freakin Guilmon?
Terzo OoC: Oh, I have Thoughts about it - I’m just too polite to say them out loud
 
The gear Shensen had hidden down here includes an application of Stone Salve.
 
GM: The Irony is NOT lost on her.

Ayva: She has the salve because she insists on using a Rod of Wonder which can turn people to stone.
 
Or as happened during the fight, summon a mouse instead of the enraged rhinoceros you would have preferred.
 
At least Netsiel was Blinded pretty much from the moment we burst into the room - she won’t be reporting what we look like to her superiors. And now we’ve pretty much secured Jarvis End for the Rebellion - certainly the Tiefling population of Kintargo are ready to support us in any way they can. 
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels : Prog Rock Dinosaur
 
So which of this many jobs should we do first? 
 
Civilla’s player: Catch a pokemon, apparently.
Terzo’s player: Digimon, surely, with a name like Hetamon.
 
Hetamon Haace is a tailor and proprietor of The Devil's Threads in Kintargo, He also secretly operates a cult dedicated to the goddess Milani known as the Rose of Kintargo. Civilla was left a note from him some time back, urging her to concentrate on making allies rather than the usual revolutionary activities like assassinating arch-dukes or writing out Romani ite domum one hundred times. We check at the Devil’s Threads, but the building is shuttered up. There’s no sign of forced entry. It would seem Hetamon went to the Masquerade and didn’t come back. Lictor Octavio of the Order of the Rack suggests we use an improved version of the Locate Person spell, that the Order of the Rack used to great effect when seeking kidnap victims. It seems Hetamon is underneath the ruins of the Silver Star. Shensen’s ears certainly prick up - the Silver Star was her music shop and home, and one of the first buildings destroyed by Thrune’s agents. She wants to come with us, not least because she wants to see what happened to her home, but because she’s worried about her dinosaur. 
 
At least we have all those Hats of Disguise the devils at the Opera House were wearing. 
 
Terzo: So…a dinosaur you say?
Shensen: Yes, his name is Guttugger.
Terzo: I was under the impression that dinosaurs are generally… large… animals?
 
Shensen tells us she had an escape tunnel prepared - hopefully it’s still intact.
 
Ayva: … sigh, we’re going through the sewers again.
Terzo: So…you’re absolutely sure we can get this dinosaur of yours out through the sewers?
Shensen: … he’ll be fine. Erubdiya? Are you here?
Terzo: How many dinosaurs do you have down here?
 
Erubdiya is actually a Slime Naga - a 30ft long snake with the head of an old man. Rajira and Mahat bow deeply, while Terzo tries to get his heart rate under control. The Naga is pleased, but surprised to see us here - apparently Shensen’s old hideout is now occupied by the Naga’s new friend.
 
Shensen: Ah.. new friend? There’s still some stuff of mine that I need to pick up. And there’s apparently someone that’s been bought here?
 
The Naga immediately attacks her. Shensen is surprised by this.
 
Terzo: So am I - my adrenaline was already spiking, I’m not sure how much more excited I can be.
 
Shensen apparently concludes that her Naga friend is under some kind of enchantment, and attempts a Countersong - the mind control promptly vanishes. She’s a very good singer.
 
Erubdiya: Shensen? There you are, old girl, how have you been?
Rajira: You do remember what happens under a compulsion spell.
Terzo: Yes, but they’re not a YOUNG Naga.
Erubdiya: Wait.. Shensen? You have to get out of here, your hideout’s been taken over by some sword-wielding bat winged b***h. 
 
Apparently the b***h is a half-succubus named Natsiel, who wanted to corrupt Shensen’s shrine to Sarenrae. 
 
Rajira: That’s OK, I have an entire temple to Calistria. You should see how we dress it up on the High Holy Days.
 
Apparently the half-succubus also kidnapped her son.
 
Rajira: Shensen’s son?
Erubdiya: No, Natsiel’s son.
Rajira:.. What?
Terzo: Quarter-succubus, presumably. Wait, this son isn’t named Hetamon, is he?
Erubdiya: That’s him!
Rajira: … alrighty then. Let’s get in there and kill her. 
 
It would appear that Hetamon isn’t the only person Natsiel has been enchanting and bringing down here - Strea Vestori, of the Tiefling Rights organisation we helped with that Tooth Fairy problem months ago, is down here under the same sort of compulsion Erubdiya was under. Terzo breaks that one. 
 
Terzo: There's all kinds of ways to use countermelodies, contrapuntal themes, and deliberate dissonance to unravel an enchantment. But I can think of a much simpler way to derail a compulsion spell, using a musical trigger that's much stronger. SWEET CAROLIIIINE.
Strea: Ba Ba BAA-wait, what? Where am I?
 
Once Strea realizes where she is, she tries to flee, but we grab her before she accidentally alerts the half-succubus. Apparently Natsiel is mid-ritual to turn somebody into a guardian for the desecrated temple. We split up to attack the ritual room from two directions, preparing to keep the Hags and fiend off their feet and otherwise disabled, and if necessary Countersong from both ends of the shrine.
 
Ayva: A bard at both ends is a good idea.
Rajira: And sounds extremely rude.
 
The secret shrine to Sarenrae has been thoroughly desecrated and redecorated in honour of Mestama, the Mother of Witches and Demon-lord of Hags. There’s the body of a Green Hag floating in the once sacred pool.
 
Terzo: Isn’t that the green hag we killed earlier?
Rajira: Yes. 
Terzo: Did we ever find out if they were related to Civilla or not?
 
The GM starts setting up a Green Hag miniature.
 
Rajira: Greener than normal, they’ve been dead for weeks.
GM: No no, these are the ones that are still alive. 
Rajira: … Ah. Jealous of the dead one, they’re not as green
 
GM: Ayva Used Surf! It was Super Effective!
 
The half-succubus turns invisible, but only long enough for Terzo to hit her with Glitterdust. The now shiny fiend glares murderously at the poet.
 
Terzo: Just thought I’d Zhoosh you up a bit. 
 
One of the hags, bloodied, beaten nearly to a pulp, and prone, decides her best course of action is to turn into a tree. Her spell fizzles. It was probably a terrible idea anyway - Terzo was planning on setting them all on fire with Blistering Invective next.
 
GM: Did you just use Surf AGAIN.
Ayva: Of course I did, it’s Super Effective
 
Once her allies are dead and the corpse floating in the sacred pond pretty much pulped, Netsiel rolls herself into a Dimension Door and escapes.
 
Terzo: What a pity, I was going to criticize her decoration choices.
Avya: Don’t do that, some of them might be Shensen’s. ‘This picture is so tacky’ ‘’that’s one of mine’ ‘-but in a delightful way’
 
Civilla destroys the corpses with her Wand of Decompose Corpse. That should ensure the ritual can never be attempted in future. Then we all help Shensen clean the chapel and set up the reconsecration. And find Hetamon, who does not enjoy a good relationship with his mother.
 
Hetamon Haace: You didn’t kill her, did you?
Rajira: No - she teleported away.
Hetamon: Grr. Well, next time.
 
Rajira’s player: Tailor - check. Spy - check. Despised species - check. Manipulated by a parent - check. When did Garak become part of our Pathfinder game?
 
We also find Shensen’s dinosaur, who had barricaded himself into one of the other rooms, and bursts out and pounces onto Shensen.
 
Terzo: *eyeing the Deinonychus’ four-inch disemboweling claws.* Ah. That’s why you called it Guttugger.
Shensen: Yes!
Ayva: *eyeing the Deinonychus that’s babbling in Elvish.* Ah. It’s an AWAKENED Deinonychus.
Rajira: That’s horrifying. 
GM: No major comments about Shensen Having a freakin' Deinonychus Companion with the personality of a freakin Guilmon?
Terzo OoC: Oh, I have Thoughts about it - I’m just too polite to say them out loud
 
The gear Shensen had hidden down here includes an application of Stone Salve.
 
GM: The Irony is NOT lost on her.

Ayva: She has the salve because she insists on using a Rod of Wonder which can turn people to stone.
 
Or as happened during the fight, summon a mouse instead of the enraged rhinoceros you would have preferred.
 
At least Netsiel was Blinded pretty much from the moment we burst into the room - she won’t be reporting what we look like to her superiors. And now we’ve pretty much secured Jarvis End for the Rebellion - certainly the Tiefling population of Kintargo are ready to support us in any way they can. 
 

Selversgard Pt.18
 
Gonno’s player: It’s a pretty odd-looking weevil, but it has a certain charm. But then, weevils are highly charismatic insects. 
 
22nd of Kuthona, the day after the Winter Solstice. A very cold, but also very dry, winter. So lacking in snowfall, in fact, that Selversgard’s lumber interests have continued working well into the month since transporting the lumber is so easy. Eddison is at work at the Drowned Carp when somebody comes in looking for Mother Maybell - she isn’t in her office. Eddison suggests checking by the river - the River of Souls is a major feature of the Golarion afterlife. Apparently somebody at the logging camp is extremely ill. The aquatic elf suggests he try asking Silas of the Green next - he seems to know half the stuff that happens in Selversgard.
 
Eddison finds Mother Maybell first - she’s talking to a tall black man holding a spear taller than he is.
 
Skave’s player: Asking for context - Black as in African, or Black as in Salamander Space Marine?
Eddison’s player: I was about to ask the same thing - chocolate or sable?
 
The newcomer is one Djeketh. He’s going to need a room.
 
Djeketh: Pleasure to meet you.
Eddison: Believe me that feeling will pass.
 
Eddison passes on the news about the problem at the camp. Apparently disturbing things are happening to the head of the patient.
 
Mother Maybell: Well, let’s go past my office to collect my things and we’ll head out there.
Eddison: We?
Mother Maybell: I’m not going out there by myself.
Eddison: *sigh* I know, I know - It’s just ‘refusing the call’ bubbling up again.
 
At least he can send somebody to fetch Arram and Skave.
 
Skave: You want me to leave the Warren? In the middle of *winter*? We built central heating into the place for a REASON.
 
The patient is there. His head isn’t.
 
Gonno OoC: That seems inconvenient.
 
According to the other lumberjacks, the man was complaining of feeling unwell, and his ears started growing. When they went to check on him, his head was gone. There are definite signs of disease and stress on the remains. 
 
Gonno OoC: A really really bad migraine?
 
Skave recognises the symptoms - the missing head is pretty distinctive. The unfortunate man was kissed by a Vargouille, grotesque flying heads with bat-like wings, originally from the Lower Planes.
 
Skave: Oof, No wonder. Poor guy got a face full of Outsider Wing-Wong.
 
Vargouilles can also be Summoned, with distressing ease. It’s just as well they can only transform humanoids into more vargouille or Golarion would be overrun with them. But how did he get Kissed without him or anybody else noticing? He must have been a very deep sleeper. If they’re smart enough to chew holes in the back of tents, and can infect people that are merely sleeping, everybody in the camp and back in Selversgard is in danger. 
 
Skave: Welp, I’m done, I’m going home.
Arram: No you’re not, get back here.
Gonno’s player: Doesn’t the Warren have ventilation shafts?
 
As part Outsider themselves, Gonno and his wife might be immune, but it’s not worth the risk of finding out. 
 
Eddison: I’d rather be wrong about them NOT being immune, than be wrong about thinking they are.
 
How do Vargouille reproduce in the Lower Planes anyway? Is there some kind of indigenous humanoid there? Or is it like salmon reproducing far upstream, and they can only multiply after some idiot summons them to the Material Plane? And since they can turn a victim into another Vargouille in less than a day, we have to find and exterminate them all before a small problem becomes a very very big one.
 
Eddison: That’s the problem with geometric progression - you either deal with it early or you’re done.
 
On the material plane, these monsters usually occupy graveyards, ancient battlefields, or anywhere one can find remnants of death and decay. There aren’t many places that match that description around Selversgard, with the possible exception of the abandoned monastery of Aroden. Arram, Eddison, and Skave send a runner back to town to warn everybody, and fetch Gonno. 
 
GM: You’d probably like Miya here too, but she’s a bit waddly at the moment.
 
At least there’s one person at the logging camp who is almost certainly immune to the Varguoille’s Kiss, and Scream. Because he’s made of wood. Kernel is a wizard, an engineer, and a Wyrwood. Wyrwoods are self-replicating constructs created by a cadre of argumentative wizards who clearly hadn’t heard all the stories about such constructs developing free will and a very understandable grudge. Not that he has a grudge against the people of Selversgard - he’s very cheerful and friendly.
 
Gonno OoC: So, roughly, how many races out there exist because wizards wanted obedient slaves but hadn't heard of the Three Laws of Robotics? I'm not even going to try to count all the races that exist because humans can't keep it in their pants.
 
Eddison’s player: I really want to get Kernel a Khakkhara. That way I can call him Kernel Clink.
 
Skave leaves a few bottles of Polypurpose Panacea and Mwangian Marching Powder with the logging camp’s guards, just in case.
 
Skave: Be very careful with the powder, it’ll give you the jitters…
Eddison: Or, you know, you could just give them coffee.
Gonno OoC: Surely coffee is the base ingredient of the Panacea. 
 
When Gonno gets the note, his eyebrows practically climb off his head, but he sets out almost immediately. Not happily, but he’s the only person in Selversgard who can travel fast enough to get back to the logging camp before dark. 
 
Gonno: Once the sun gets below the mountains I am in considerable danger.
Eddison: Vargouilles have no problem with sunlight.
Gonno: F***. That’s worse.
 
Indeed, it is worse - because he fails his Perception and his Stealth checks, and falls in a giant trapdoor spider pit. Happily, there's only a spider in the pit, and not a vargouille. He pulps it, and continues on his way.
 
Eddison: Is that silk on your fists?
Gonno: *nods, but doesn’t look happy about it*
 
At least everybody in the party has darkvision - a definite advantage if we don’t want to be surprised by Vargouilles swooping down on us in the dark. The ruins are roughly rectangular, and accompanied by some smaller outbuildings. The stonework is the only thing remaining after two hundred years. Skave hands out some useful potions and unguents, just in case. Arram remembers what he can of the layout, based on that map he found years ago - the main building definitely has a basement level, which we intend to check first. Edison casts Continual Flame on one of the torches Gonno brought with him. We stick close to each other - the Vargouille’s Scream has such a large area of effect that splitting up is unlikely to help. 
Unfortunately, we don’t even get to the main building, before skeletal limbs start clawing their way out of the thick undergrowth surrounding the old challenge circle. 
 
Skave: …. That is a lot of zombies…. *watching in increasing alarm*  HOW MANY ZOMBIES ARE THERE.
Eddison OoC: Look at it this way - more XP.
 
At least zombies are slow - we leg it for the exit to the compound, although Arram gets hamstrung by one as he leads the retreat.
 
Skave: Ysoki super secret special move: RUN!
 
Unfortunately Continual Flame can’t ignite all the tinder-dry undergrowth.
 
Gonno’s player: I think we’re going to be relying on Arram and Skave’s pyromania for a bit. 
 
We continue to withdraw, until the mass of zombies has been lured into one solid mass. Then we start applying our own Area Attacks. Or Flurry of Blows with his new Pummeling Style in the case of Gonno.
 
Skave: He poked it a few times and it exploded.
Eddison OoC: Ah, Fist of the North Star, got it. 
Gonno OoC: You are Already Dead.
Skave OoC: Well yeah, it’s a zombie?
 
We cautiously search the remains and the yard, but all we find is a slightly enchanted garden rake.
 
Kernel: Someone made a +1 rake?
Eddison: Monks are weird.
 
The monk that decided to meditate himself to death in one of the outbuildings probably was anyway. At least Arram and Skave recall enough about the religious practices of the church of Aroden that they can recommend proper funeral rites. We enter the main building, seeking the basement, whereupon Gonno promptly falls through the rotten floor.
 
Gonno: I’VE FOUND THE BASEMENT.
Arram: Well, I’m not leaving him down there on his own. Down I go.
Eddison: Sensible people move away from the danger. *Jumps down*
Skave: Come on, this is how you do it! *jumps in, lands directly on his tail* OW F***!
 
Professional adventurers probably wouldn’t all injure themselves falling or jumping into a ruined basement likely infested with Vargouilles. But as we’ve made abundantly clear over the last few years, we are not professional adventurers. 
 

"Of all your muscles, your tongue is always the last to tire."
 
"And yet, my fearsome friend, that piece of pink prized by pedlars, priestesses and princesses across the land has done more to lift you out of danger than thy terrific thews."

Having converted the minotaurs into wedding attire, the troubleshooters of Selversgard turn back towards the village. Shev travels far ahead, no doubt out of his excitement about the upcoming wedding, leaving the rest of us at something of a disadvantage when the weather takes a turn for the worse.
 
Miya: How do we know it’s a bad storm? The Treants have f***ed off into a cave.
GM: Can I get a Survival check from somebody?
Arram: You COULD but Shev isn’t here.
 
We huddle under an overhang without even the benefit of a giant riding rat to huddle against. At least Prestidigitation and Ember Pots get us warm and dry-ish, so we won’t be reenacting any Jack London stories. 
 
Shev’s player: ?
Gonno’s player: To Build A Fire. A short story about someone who repeatedly fails his Survival checks. 
 
A conversation is had about adventurers, and exactly what kind of mental damage makes running off to clear out a nest of vampires sound like a good idea.
 
Skave: At least contracting vampirism might solve the problem of my 30 year lifespan? How am I supposed to get anything done in three decades, is what I want to know.
Gonno: *tactfully not mentioning that he has a potential lifespan of hundreds of years* You could always take a run at the Starstone.
Arram: As I understand it, if you survive it you either become a god or the servant of a god. Is that the kind of immortality you actually want?
Gonno OoC: I’m picturing exactly what kind of principles Skave The God would embody. Unnecessarily Large Explosions, probably. He’d get on well with Nethys at least.
 
Miya’s pregnancy has started to show - since she’s non-human, there’s a chance of complications. At least she’s told her husband about them.
 
Miya: There’s a non-zero chance of kits instead of babies.
 
We hear somebody yelling for help out in the torrential rain - after some mental calculations about the odds of a second Leucrotta lurking in the woods around here, we investigate. 
 
Gonno: Hopefully not another idiot wizard from the Twilight Academy.
Arram: Well I’m good, I’m a sorcerer from the Twilight Academy.
Gonno OoC: Somebody needs to investigate the water supply at the Academy, because at the rate that their students go mad, wander off into the woods, or express other antisocial behaviour, I suspect the lead pipes are corroding
Miya OoC: There is likely an eldritch horror in the Attic and the basement, the lunch lady is a lich and the whole thing can be described as Creepy Spooky Haunted and Hydrocolonic.

There’s two human men, one of whom has carelessly misplaced an arm, being carried by the other. Both need immediate medical aid.
 
Arram: Anything following you we need to know about?
Chist: I.. I think we got away from it?
Arram: Just in case you didn’t, what was ‘it’?
 
Alveson and his less-mangled friend are from the Order of the Nail - Hell-knights. Hopefully they don't notice the way Gonno tenses up, since there’s no way the hell-knights have forgotten about his wife who escaped Cheliax, and the Order of the Nail are one of the most hard-line of the lot.
 
Arram OoC: They’re basically everybody that’s ever played a paladin wrong. 
 
Apparently the Hell-knights were out here to open a Gate, so they could escort a pair of Devils back to their base. This is nothing particularly unusual for Hell-knights, but it wasn’t the devils they expected that came through. 
 
Chist: There were four of them - they were humanoid. But blue.
Arram and Skave: ….
Chist: And covered in chains!
Arram: I was just about to ask that. 
Miya: Welp, we’re stuffed.
 
It’s hardly surprising that four Chain Devils was two much for two hell-knights.
 
Chist: It wasn’t just the two of us, we came out here with five others.
All: ….
Chist: I think the mage got three of them with a Flame Blast.
Arram: Yes yes, very good, it’s just that I believe Chain Devils have Regeneration.
 
At least the Gate closed after the remaining Clive Barker ripoff ripped off his various limbs. Leaving an open doorway to Hell seems like a bad thing. Going after four Chain Devils would also be a bad thing. We decamp in a hurry, but note as we leave that the still-ambulatory Hell-knight has a glowing rune painted on his chest.  Apparently that was part of the Gate-opening ritual. 
 
Arram: Well. That’s not good.
 
None of us have the Erase spell to sever the connection. And while Miya will happily flay the skin off him ( ‘Create Treasure Map’ as Skave puts it ) we don’t know if the rune connects his body or his lifeforce to the gate. It’s likely that killing him wlll sever the connection, but messing with the connection will likely kill him even if we don’t want to. And it’s possible the devils can use the rune to track Chist down, and possibly use him to force the Gate open again.
 
Miya: It’s probably quicker to go home.
Chist: Where’s home?
Miya: Thattaway. Or thataway? Give me a second.
Arram: Selversgard.
Chist: I haven't heard of it.
Arram: It’s small. Small enough that four chain devils could kill everybody there.
 
It’s a ten-day trip south to reach the Order of the Nail’s keep. Although if we can get back to the boats we left on the riverbank on the trip down, we can go downriver much faster than on foot. Very much faster, given what the weather is likely doing to the river’s flow.
 
Arram: Shev is probably going overland back to Selversgard anyway, on the All-terrain Rat Express.
 
The problem is finding where we left the boats, in horrendous weather, at night, while trying to avoid pursuit. We recamp. After force feeding him some healing potions, Alveron comes to, and confirms that the head wizard with their party screwed up, and opened the gate into a Chain Devil slave camp.
 
Skave: …. Well, that’s the worst possible wrong number.
Arram: I feel beholden to suggest mounting a rescue mission. But that is well outside our capabilities.
Miya: So we’re going to leave that to the Hell Knights who screwed up in the first place.
Alveson: That’s fair, that’s really quite fair.
 
Alveson also confirms that the rune is connected to the gate.
 
Alveson: Well, we can resolve that. But it will require a sharp knife and a great deal of pain for my colleague here.
Miya: Oh good, the sensible solution works.
Arram: Hold still, I’m just going to do some Subdual Damage on you with this blunt instrument.
Alveson: Ah, no, that won’t work. He needs to be conscious to will away the connection as we physically sever it.
Skave: … how big is this rune again?
GM: Most of his chest. 
All: … 
Miya: Well, I suppose we could use Arram’s Acid Splash, but either way this is going to SUCK. 
 
Skave has to do the flaying. At least Chist is tied down and gagged as the Ysoki peels off his skin, piece by piece. He even stays conscious for the entire procedure, which takes nine rounds. No doubt because Skave’s paw is shaking a bit. 
 
Skave: You are *exceptionally* lucky you ran into me. 
All: ….
Skave: …Us, I mean Us.

At least the procedure seems to have worked, and when the sun rises we can hurry to the boats. Alveson isn’t going to be much use, sans spellbook and arm, but at least Chist can use that magical boar spear we found, and we still have the spellbook we found in the Leucrotta lair.
 
Arram: Oh gods, that thing - I warn you, the contents have a particular… flavour. Probably all necromancy, and we’re pretty sure it’s bound in human skin.
 
Arram: If that necromancer’s spellbook had Erase in it I’m going to be very embarrassed.
 
When we reach the boats, something is sitting on one of the boats combing her hair.
 
Miya: Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae…
GM: It’s Fae.
Arram: Morning
Naiad: Oh! Good morning! Are these yours?
Arram: Yes, actually.
Naiad: I hope you don’t mind - I was merely using one as a place to sit.
Arram: Not a problem - but you might want to make yourself scarce. There’s a bunch of chain devils on the loose, and some of us have already run afoul of them.
Naiad: Oh, that is NOT good.
Arram: Quite. You might want to let everybody that needs to, know.
 
The Naiad leaves, without turning its Beguiling Aura on Arram or the rest of us.
 
Skave: Well, I’ve learned something - Arram has to be gay.
Miya OoC: He’s a sorcerer, his Charisma is ungodly high.
Arram: It’s all werewolves or Fae around here and personally I’d rather deal with the Fae.
Miya: Fae, werewolves or big f***ing spiders.
 
We leave a message for Shev in a waterproof sack, phrased ambiguously enough that the Chain Devils won’t immediately know which way we went, or that Selversgard is upriver, in case Shev comes looking for us when we don’t turn up. Unfortunately we’re attacked by a giant fish while we travel downstream.
 

 
Skave: *shakes Arram* SET IT ON FIRE, SET IT ON FIRE!
 
Miya gets engulfed.
 
Miya: Tell my husband I love him! Assuming I actually die!
 
Of course this about when Shev catches up with us, and sees us finally subduing the monstrous stickleback.
 
Shev: Pull that on board, that’s good eating!
Arram: Good luck with that, it’s bigger than the boat! Also it’s eaten most of Miya’s arm, we should probably do something about that.
 
We camp on the far side of the river to make things more difficult for the Chain Devils, just in case. Shev also has a camp oven that doesn’t produce smoke or light, which is also helpful in our current situation. For some reason the forest on this side of the river has been replaced with fens - fortunately we can find a dry hollow to camp in.
 
Skave: Keep an eye out for leeches… I need them for alchemy ingredients.
Gonno: Hopefully we’re all smart enough to avoid throat leeches.
 
And Shev never sleeps on the ground anyway - he has two hanging tents with excellent camouflage. Hopefully we won’t wake up with the rest of us dead.
 
Shev’s player: Won’t be the first time I’ve slept through combat.
 
Once again, the party is fortunate that Vokk the Giant Riding Rat is a light sleeper - something is happening near the boats.
 
Shev: Animal companions exist to show us up.
Shev: I’m pretty sure a gunshot is a suitable alarm, but I don’t want to wake the others up if I don’t have to. 
 
It’s a giant dragonfly nymph, settling itself to ambush us in the morning. Shev returns to the camp to prepare breakfast - we can deal with it in the morning. 
 
Shev: Welcome to camping in this forest.
Miya: Giant insects, arachnids, and Fae, oh my!
Shev (upbeat):  Don’t forget the werewolves!
 
Rather more problematic is that something eats half the giant nymph before dawn - and Shev didn’t see or hear what did it. (interesting fact -aquatic insect nymphs are called naiads)
 
Shev: Well, whatever it was it only ate half of it, so it’s not hungry.
 
The rest of the trip to the lake and the Hellknight keep is uneventful - Shev rides Vok in the river while the rest of us continue in the boat. Arrival at the keep is uneventful too - nobody challenges us as we approach. In fact the entire keep is still and silent. This is ominous. The boot sticking out under a bush is more so. It probably wasn’t the bush that beat the boot owner's head in. 
 
Arram: It might be a Whomping Wisteria
 
Whatever did it left all his gear here, including magical armour. And Chist identifies the body as one of the full Hell-knights. He didn’t even have his weapon out.
 
Skave OoC: Preliminary cause of death… murder-hoboes.
Miya OoC: But we’re murder-hoboes!
 
No we’re not - we haven't even looted the corpse yet. Around the corner some unfortunate woman has been pinned to the wall by multiple primitive javelins. And the portcullis has been jammed open with a man-sized boulder. Alveson identifies her as the head mage at the keep.
 
Arram: I’m really hoping whoever did this isn’t here anymore, to be honest. Can we make sure we move anything that’s been spilled on the floor? So we have a clear run for the door if we have to.
 
Neither Chist or Alveson recognise the make of the javelins, so it probably wasn't some group the Hell-knights annoyed recently. Perhaps some Orc warparty out of the Cinderlands? On the other hand, Miya recalls that the nearby town of Biston had a major problems with an infestation of Troglodytes recently, and there is certainly a smell in the keep that Vok does NOT like. Alveson finds the body of his brother among the dead, and is understandably distressed. 
 
We attempt to clear the portcullis - and hear rustling in the bushes. Shev takes aim.
 
Miya: Do we want to call out a warning? ‘Show yourselves or be considered bandits’
 
The warning is somewhat pointless - Troglodytes don’t speak Common. They speak Draconic.
 
Troglodyte: *in Draconic* This is our land now.
Arram: We WERE here to ally with the Hell-knights to fight devils.
Troglodyte: FIGHT devils? They SUMMON devils!
Arram: Yeah sometimes it doesn’t go to plan.
Troglodyte: You side with Hellknights?
Arram: Yeah, these two, at least - I like them.
Troglodyte: KILL THEM ALL
Shev: I don’t speak Draconic but the tone suggests ‘Talks have broken down’.
 
After the fight, which we survive and they don’t, we search the corpses and find a few lucky talismans their shaman gave them.
 
Gonno: I don’t think they worked.
 
Although we don’t have any reason to feel smug about our victory - we don’t know how many troglodytes the Hell-knights managed to kill before they were overwhelmed.
 
Shev: I actually got a second shot off before it misfired!
Miya: Clearly Erastil is pleased with you.
 
Miya: And now we have to deal with the Chain Devils by ourselves.
 
At least it’s only a day more travel to the lakeside fishing town of Biston. It has a population of over 200.
 
Gonno: If I knew we were coming to the big city I’d have got a shopping list from the wife.
 
There are quite a few Hell-knights at their building in the town - it appears they are mustering. That’s helpful - maybe they’re in the mood for a snipe hunt. Their leader Esteria receives Chist and Alveson’s report, and invites all of us up to her office, a small and tasteful room (the shrine to Asmodeus in one corner notwithstanding).
 
Esteria: Leave your rat in the stables, they’ll feed and water it.
Shev: Are they familiar with giant riding rats?
Esteria: They’d better be.
 
Apparently Biston and the outpost haven't been the only targets of troglodyte attacks in the area. She really can’t spare the men to deal with chain devils as well, even though she acknowledges we really aren’t equipped to deal with one, let alone four. On the other hand, if we help her with the troglodyte issue… at least she has a map of the tunnels the hero Biston used to attack the troglodytes from behind, back before he had the town named after him.  Vok can confirm that the tunnel only smells slightly of Troggies. On the other hand, it also smells of Something Else. We head in anyway - we have the advantage of Darkvision that the Hellknights don't. Hopefully we won’t be down here too long - our friends and family might start wondering where we are by the end of the second week. 
 
Before we find any cave dwelling lizard-types, we find a 60ft deep pit, lined with spikes, and including a noteworthy number of naked impaled dwarves. 
 
Arram: How long have they been there?
GM: Well, they’re not… 
Arram: Liquified?
 
It is possible the dwarves slid down the shaft we descended, and straight into the pit trap, but that wouldn’t explain why they’re naked. 
 
Arram: Hey Shev, we need you to climb down this hole full of naked dwarves.
Shev: Fffffffffff-
Arram: Don’t worry, they’re dead.
 


Miya: To be fair we haven’t actually *checked* they’re dead.
 
They are dead, but they’re not dwarves. They might be some other subterranean race, like the sadistic Dero.
 
Gonno OoC:  Richard Sharpe Shaver’s paranoid schizophrenia has a lot to answer for. 
 
It’s also not clear who or why somebody cut their throats and dumped them in the pit.
 
Shev: We’re here to kill trogs, let's go kill trogs. 
 
We find some trogs - guarding the ends of a rope bridge. Each has a gong.
 
Arram: The monk can bullrush one, and when the other one hits the gong you can fire your gun to cover the noise.
 
Gonno does, indeed, run up and push the first Troglodyte into the chasm. The rest of the party use a variety of ranged attacks, of the quieter variety. We are now in position to launch a sneak attack on a village of troglodyte non-combatants.
 
Gonno OoC: And here was me thinking we WEREN’T playing murder-hoboes.
 
Unfortunately, Gonno and Miya, both completely fail to notice that the party is being snuck up on from behind. Despite being at the back of the party precisely to stop this sort of thing happening. 
 
Miya OoC: I’m definitely going to retire and raise kids, things keep trying to eat me. 
 
Gonno doesn’t even notice Miya has been dragged off until a second tentacle wraps around his own neck. Fortunately the rest of the party actually glance over their shoulders and save the pair, without actually alerting the troglodytes with the sound of combat, or wheezing after the Oread and Foxmaid are released. Sneaking closer, we overhear the troglodyte leadership having some kind of argument with drow. This is a perfect opportunity for Arram to cast Web over the entrance to the chamber, and yell, in Draconic, “Our objectives are achieved! Slay the rest of the Troglodytes!”. 
 
GM: Well, you’ve done something very smart
Miya’s player: Are you sure you’re talking about the right game?
 
The drow and troglodytes promptly start murdering each other. We wait to see who survives - the drow priestess is a contender by the look of it. Although she probably wasn’t *planning* on killing one of her own compatriots with an area effect spell, but he was male and who knows with drow.
 
Arram’s player: We’ve just made the GM roll attacks against his own NPCs for 30 minutes.
Shev’s player: Sorry not sorry.
 
Killing a member of her own party was probably a tactical error, since the Troggie king follows up by cutting her in half. He’s also bright enough to start wondering why the supposed drow treachery was yelled in his language, and spots us waiting for more free XP. Still, now it’s 6-to-1 odds in our favour. 
 
Gonno OoC: Although after watching him bisect that elf, we probably shouldn’t have closed to melee range.
 
We find some documents proving the drow were conspiring to use the troglodytes as an organised threat to civilisations on the surface. Also evidence that quite a few drow have been through here. Miya has Arram leave a note - written in Draconic, in the drow’s handwriting, pinned to the late king’s eyesocket “Death to those that betray the Drow”.
 
Unfortunately we then have to sneak back out past the troglodyte village. 
 
Miya: We pick up the sorcerer and leg it.
 
After all these detours, we finally start heading home towards Selversgard.
 
Skave: Brother. This had better be the best wedding ever.
 
It’s also a relief that the chain devils haven’t found Selversgard, but we have a lot to tell the mayor and militia anyway, and a lot of apologies for everybody that's been worried about us. Certainly nothing really major happens for the next nine months, apart from the setting up of a Warrenguard by the ratfolk. 
 
Arram: The first I’m doing after we report to the Mayor is collapse into the bed for 24 hours, after all that bulls***t.
GM: Shev, would you care to make a Diplomacy roll?
Shev: I CAN but it’ll be abysmal.
GM: Would you prefer your brother address the Council?
Shev: He’s just as bad!
 
Although one discovery the ratfolk make while excavating is a hidden tunnel connecting the sewer, a hidden dock north of town, and the boarded-up Tolland Manor in the middle of Selversgard owned by a now extinct family. The rumours of a haunt are one reason it hasn’t been reoccupied. A bigger mystery is who would need a smuggling tunnel - Selversgard has no tariffs. 
 
To everybody’s surprise, Gonno & Galiante are already expecting a second child. Apparently, despite being a tiefling and a part-elemental, they are really compatible. Miya’s sister-in-law  moves in as a nanny for her & Falx’s apparently human son.
 
Gonno: If you ever want privacy again I know where a house is going unused.
 
Alternatively, we can use Tolland Manor as a proper school building - Arram is certainly willing and able to pay the requisite 5000gp to refurbish it, and it's not like potential undead are going to worry somebody who thinks the Twilight Academy is a fine educational institution. Arram is now one of Selversgard’s most eligible bachelors (certainly since the other PCs are all married now) which may explain why that teenager we rescued two years back is inexpertly trying to seduce him. 
 
Skave is a father again as well - but tragically his wife didn’t survive the birth. Even magical healing can only go so far. He’s emotionally ill-equipped to deal with this. So now he has three ratlings to raise, and a wet nurse to find.
 
GM: Miya might be able to do it.
Miya: I have seen rat teeth, so no. Especially if I have to deal with fox teeth as well.
 
Shev finds a bride as well, although is at a loss about what to do next - as far as social adjustment goes he’s not much better than his brother.
 
Miya: I’m afraid my perspective isn’t going to be very useful.
 
All these new children and new marriages (especially to forceful wives like the ratwoman Ranger Cidi) are good reasons to reduce the amount of stabbing gribbly-monster-stabbing we’ve been doing. What do we look like, adventurers?
 
Miya: Something has tried to kill me *every year*.
 
Miya sets up a dojo to train up the Selversgard Militia, but trying to get the council to actually fund the militia is like squeezing blood from a stone. At least we have all that loot from the troglodyte and drow incident to sell, and supply a proper armory and probably pay for a militia too. And maybe if we promote more business connections with the cities downriver, we might have an economy large enough to support actual taxation.
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Bright Shadow - Runing Up That Hill
 
Ayva and Civilla have combined their art and magic skills to create a painted construct version of Nox, Thrune’s late bodyguard. In a move that will no doubt infuriate Thrune when he finds out, the fake Nox is clearly now ‘redeemed’ and a follower of the good gods, in the form of less black leather. There’s also the advantage that the painted version is mostly unkillable.
 
Civilla: ‘We killed the traitor! Wait, she’s back’
Ayva: It could be a hundred years later and the painted version will still be protecting this city. I love that. 
 
They can even hide her inside a separate painted locket.
 
It’s probably just as well that Terzo isn’t around for some of his colleagues' discussions, such as their thoughts about a blood bank run by vampires.
 
Rajira: Bloooood.
Ayva: It’s the currency of the soul.
 
Ayva: ‘This one must be a diabetic, it’s quite nice.’
Rajira: ‘Very Sweet.’
 
Apparently this week we have to deal with the mountain fortress in the Menador Gap, one of the main passes between Kintargo and the bulk of the Chellish Empire - the most important pass now the Glorious Reclamation elsewhere in Chelliax is causing major international problems.
 
Terzo: How much do you want to bet they've improved their security protocols after that time we walked into the prison and walked out with all the prisoners.
Rajira: It’s hard to improve your security when you don’t know what went wrong.
 
Leaving nobody alive behind you (and more then once, no bodies either) is helpful that way.
 
GM: I need to send you some more images for NPC standees, the pawn package was missing some.
Rajira’s player: … oh, P. A. W. N. 
Terzo’s player: I was wondering.
Rajira’s player: Hey, I‘m Calistrian, we’re open-minded.
 
Our ally Raxus discovered something rather interesting about the keep - apparently the dwarven engineers that built the place included a self-destruct mechanism in case the pass had to be sealed completely. The Silver Ravens intended to use the mechanism, or an Earthquake spell, and weren’t particularly concerned by the subsequent loss of life since the keep is currently held by troops loyal to House Thrune. Lictor Octavio Sabinus, formerly of the Hellknight Order of the Torrent, points out that even a spell of that magnitude might not destroy the fortress, and might kill or destroy valuable prisoners, magical items, or information. And anyway, leaving any survivors is out-of-character of the Ghosts of Kintargo.

Terzo: I regret to say my first question is ‘how many taverns are there between Kintargo and the mountains’, because I can’t carry that much booze.
 
Fortunately the rebellion has enough funds and allies now that Terzo can acquire a second carriage and footmen we can actually trust. 
 
The current commander of the keep is one Lucian Thrune, who is not exactly pleased about being way out here, although it does keep him out of harm's way of the Glorious Reclamation, and rumour says he isn’t getting much sleep due to understandable stress.
 
Civilla: Interesting, interesting
Ayva: I can hear the evil laughter from here, Civilla
Rajira: I don’t suppose you have any dream magic?
Civilla: Funny you should mention that…
 
Lucien also has a pet wyvern that he raised from an egg. And they’re pretty scrupulous about only letting merchants with the proper papers, known agents of Thrune, and members of the Church of Asmodeus, into the keep and through the pass. The best idea we can come up with to get inside the keep and not be watched too closely is if we pretend to be retainers of House Thrune, there to collect a high-value prisoner on behalf of Lord Inquisitor Barzillai. Lucian Thrune might well have questions, but we can honestly say that the Inquisitor isn’t going to tell his minions anything they don’t need to know.
 
Civilla: ‘We don’t know the name of the prisoner, we don't know who is delivering them, our orders are simply to collect the prisoner and return to Kintargo.’
 
Of course we’ll have to have suitable uniforms, paperwork, and repaint one of the carriages.
 
Terzo OoC: So, anybody know the nearest chop shop?
Ayva OoC: Yes, the local butcher does a good line in sausages.
 
Fortunately, even when he rolls a Nat 1, Terzo’s Diplomacy is high enough that he clears the Ears of the City check and confirms that the soldiers in the Keep have heard all kinds of rumours about Nox - that she’s variously been killed, on a secret mission for House Thrune, or that she turned traitor, was captured, and welded into her own armour. We might still be able to use the fake Nox as a decoy.
 
Keep Soldier: Hail travelers! I must inform you that passage through the Gap is currently restricted! State your business!
‘Sergeant’ Rajira : *salutes* Soldiers of Thrune! Here to collect a prisoner! *holds up forged letters*
Keep Soldier: Enter for inspection! Open the gate!
Rajira: Come on you slovenly lot! And don’t embarrass me!
 
Ayva (not entirely out of character): It’s not that we mind the city being put under an iron boot, we just object to it not being OUR iron boot.
 
There are eight armed soldiers in the courtyard, and Lucian Thrune.
 
Ayva: Fortunately this courtyard is the exact right size and shape for a Fireball. 
 
Lucian doesn’t look like he’s slept in days. Rajira salutes and bows, explains why we’re supposedly here, and hands over the documents, which drip with all the dire penalties one might expect for anybody impeding the mission.
 
GM: *sigh* and like so many of the NPCs in this adventure Lucian does not have a Sense Motive skill.
 
Lucian directs us to the common rooms for now. Apparently he has some kind of minor genie servant, by the name of Zorumar, who doesn’t look very happy about being at Lucian Thrune’s beck and call, or being ordered to provide us with food and refreshments. 
 
‘Sergeant’ Rajira: Line up, you lot and look grateful!
Ayva: We are grateful for the slop we are about to receive!
‘Corporal’ Civilla: That might offend our hosts.
Ayva: Sir! Sorry Sir!
‘Sergeant’ Rajira: I’m a sergeant, I work for a living.
 
At least Zorumar appreciates our thanks, and even apologises that he can’t provide more than Created Food And Water for now. Rajira dismisses the rest of us and Terzo sidles off to join the nearest card game. Rajira and Civilla get one of the guest rooms - the rest of our party will be staying in the barracks. Apparently Zorumar cooks all the food for the keep, and does the cleaning, and is forbidden from using any of his magic apart from Create Food and Water. That does suggest one ‘in’ for us - if Sergeant Rajira orders us to help with the cleaning rather than stand around like soldiers with too much time on their hands, we’ll get a good look around. Instead, Civilla plans to send the fake Nox out to look around the fortress - she’s a very sneaky painting. And, after all, ‘Nox’ will be making a dramatic appearance as the keep is destroyed, anyway. 
 
Civilla has her Homunculus to scout out the keep while Terzo keeps the garrison amused with a singalong, but it couldn't find the self-destruct. Although there was a whole bit with the wyvern scaring the pants off Civilla when she was looking through the eyes of her homunculus and it got within licking distance...
 
Instead, we take advantage of Lucian Thrune’s massive sleep debt - it would seem he’s been hitting the Mwangian Marching Powder hard. One Sleep spell from Terzo cancels all the effects of the Insomnia Powder, and the commander promptly passes out. Rajira helpfully gives him an ear exam with a six-inch dagger.
 
Then we made friends with his captive Genie, who does know where the self-destruct is.
 
Terzo OoC: So as usual we identified and recruited everybody that was here under duress, and are preparing to murder everybody else
Rajira OoC: Yup. Civilla even talked the Genie into rescuing the two halflings in the cells when he leaves.
 
Civilla: Unfortunately none of us are dwarves, although Terzo might pass. 
Terzo: Alas, I brought wine, not ale.
 
The route to the Big Red Button has statues, which is about as likely to instill paranoia as a hall lined with suits of armour. There’s also pretty clear evidence that the dwarves set this place to their own tastes, so it’s just as well that we know enough about other religions (despite Chellish laws) to fake it. Unfortunately the security systems can also detect Evil, which means they take considerable interest in some of the party members. 
 
Terzo: Well, clearly they’re faulty, none of my friends are Evil.
Civilla: You KNOW some of us are selfish. You KNOW this.
Terzo OoC: And Denial is not just a river in Osirion.
Ayva OoC: Yes, it runs through some other countries too.
 
Although it turns out the actual problem is some of the equipment Rajira is using. Civilla conceals her true Alignment as a matter of course. Rajira hurriedly changes what she reads as.
 
Archon: WHY HAVE YOU COME
Rajira: To destroy this structure
Civilla: *headdesk* Because the gates have been taken by the enemy - forces loyal to Asmodeus.
 
Civilla: They’re ARCHONS, they probably aren’t even aware that Cheliax exists, that’s Prime Material Plane business.
 
Archon: So the time has come to destroy the keep. Make sure you set the timer correctly. 
Civilla: Right, how do we do that, exactly?
 
It’s also fortunate that Civilla’s insatiable appetite for book-learning included Dwarven Runes and engineering.
 
Civilla: This is arcane. In the normal sense, not the magical one, I mean. They’ve used fifteen different versions of the word for ‘chain’ and every different version for ‘crank’!
Terzo: Knowing dwarves, this probably wasn’t innuendo?
Ayva: Not unless they had a really intense fetish for technobabble.
 
It’s also pretty important that we know which timekeeping system the builders used - not a simple question. Hopefully we’ve set it to go off in 20 minutes. Even more hopefully, the garrison don’t stop us from leaving. Happily, it’s not like we had to fight our way out again. We can very easily claim to have received new orders by Shadow Eagle. 
 
Civilla: They kinda want us to leave anyway.
Terzo: Surely my singing wasn’t that bad.
Ayva: I would never tell you that.
 
We’re watching from a safe distance as the ground starts to shake, the building starts to crumble, and the mountain pass collapses into impassable rubble.
 
GM: For once, you guys are the load-bearing boss.
 
Terzo: I am feeling a bit guilty about that - these guys were just soldiers. It’s not like they were torturers or redactors.
Civilla: If they didn’t get out when the building started shaking it’s their own damn fault.
Rajira: You fight for Cheliax, you get the horns.
 
A few of the rank-and-file were fast enough to get out. The wyvern flies in circles over the wreckage, looking for its master.
 
Rajira: That’s the one I feel bad about, it’s just an animal.
Civilla: Rajira, Rajira, don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be at it all day.
 
Zorumar, as promised, has left the halfling prisoners near our disguised carriage, and a generous gift for freeing him - a magic carpet. The halflings would no doubt prefer to escape to freedom, but it is unfortunately probably safer for them to stay with us, and act as Civilla’s slaves, which is the usual fate of halflings in the Chellish empire. But destroying the keep is very clear evidence that there is an organized conspiracy against Barzillai Thrune. He might well take the rumours seriously, now. Especially when we have our fake Nox drag some of the survivors out of the rubble, saying only “I’m sorry, but it had to be done”. There’s also the factor that our rebellion contacts and cells are so thoroughly established around Kintargo that it’s our influence, and not Thrune’s jackbooted thugs, that’s keeping the streets quiet. In fact a good number of his street patrols are actually on our side.
 
Civilla: Most rebellions fail because they launch their takeover before they have the populace on their side. We are not going to make that mistake.
 
Barzillai Thrune: It’s quiet. Too quiet. *distant boom* What was that? 
Minion: Uh… that was our only access to reinforcements. 
 

Fixing the cisterns is going to be a major engineering problem.
 
Gonno: Possibly we should hire some dwarves.
Shev: That's racist. Assuming Dwarves would be the best engineers available.
Miya: Quite. I've met some very capable elves.
Shev: Excuse me, we’re RIGHT HERE.
 
Certainly, the ratboi Skave has some good ideas regarding the first cistern. And the Ysoki probably have a cousin they can get in to draw up the blueprints. 
 
Shev: I’ll make sure any blueprints Skave draws up are kept away from any open flames.
GM: I don’t think he drew them on flashpaper.
Shev: You’ll be amazed what a trace of sulphur infused in the paper will do.
 
Kaegor, the head of the town militia, is elected the next mayor. He’s a retired fighter.
 
A joyous occasion! Miya’s wedding day! To the most eligible bachelor in town, Falx Vandruber, miller and grinder.
 
GM: So you take his surname?
Miya: Since I didn’t have one, yes!
 
Gonno makes sure to have a proper marriage bed carved in time for the wedding, so they can be carried into their house on it. He’s going to be busy - there’s four other marriages on the same day.
 
Shev: But not me. I’m starting to get some funny looks from the colony. I’m 19! I thought I’d met someone but they kept turning into a human every month. 
All: ….
Miya: I think I missed something. 
 
Skave has two ratlings now, though. Shev believes the reason that he isn’t married yet is because he’s an insufficiently good catch as a husband. Since he’s a follower of the god Erastil, he decides that the obvious solution is to hunt something suitably impressive - like a griffon. Gonno, who got his wife simply by being a nice guy, refrains from comment. Apparently, according to our friendly neighborhood dryad, there’s griffons nesting on some cliffs 5 days walk south of Selversgard that have been causing some problems. We’ll probably have to take silver, since we’re traveling during the full moon and werewolves are known from the area. Admittedly Gonno doesn’t have to worry about lycanthropy, since technically he isn’t a humanoid. It’s the same reason Enlarge Person didn’t work on him in the ant nest.
 
Arram: Tieflings make good werewolf hunters. Not much good if you're fighting Smokey the Were-bear though.
Shev: I don’t want to hear about bringing any of the eggs home to raise - they’re intelligent creatures and some of the gods consider that slavery.
Arram: A bit ironic given you plan on killing them
Shev: The gods can be funny that way.
 
Shev: If you see any unusual trees on the trip, DON’T TOUCH THEM. They’re probably dryad homes.
Miya: So don’t go around feeling up any dryads, Gonno, your wife will be annoyed.
Shev: It’s just occurred to me that the neighborhood dryad might be slightly pissed with me that I’m trying to find a mate (that isn’t her) and she’s sending me down there to die.
 
Arram also points out that griffons are sufficiently vengeful that any survivors will certainly follow us back to Selversgard.
 
Arram: In fact I’m pretty sure all the leonine creatures are sapients - although some of them are d***ks.
Miya: Nobody cares if you kill a Manticore.
 
Arram: It’s also a bad idea to pick a fight with anything powerful enough to generate a sorcerer bloodline.
 
So, it would seem the griffon idea is a bad one, although crossed wires are understandable when it comes to what a dryad considers ‘causing problems’. Perhaps they were using a dryad’s tree as a scratching post. She does suggest an alternate target - a minotaur. Those are certainly problematic.
 
Shev: When a minotaur has a problem, they make it everybody’s problem. 
 
Just in case the minotaur has a briar maze rather than anything more traditional, Shev makes sure that Gonno brings his tree felling gear. Both of them already carry chalk. 
 
Shev’s player: And not Arram’s maze-clearing method - we’re saving that as a last resort. You know, I’ve got a mage character that can’t start forest fires?
Arram: Then what even is the point?
 
Unfortunately our chosen path will require a large detour around a completely overgrown valley.
 
Skave: We can always make our own path.
Arram: Your opinions regarding anything fire-related do not count.
Miya: He only set the crops on fire once.
Arram: And Me Twice.
 
Gonno, bringing up the rear of the march, thinks he spots something running across the track behind us. Quadrupedal, he thinks, but not at all sure. Shev can’t find any tracks, which is odd, since his tracking skills are sufficient to find tracks on bare rock.
 
Skave: Great, we’re being followed by a ghost.
Shev: Worse, a ghost-pirate-ninja
Skave: THAT’S WORSE.
 
Unfortunately Gonno and Arram, on the middle watch, think it’s a perfectly fine idea to wander off after a mysterious voice calling Gonno’s name in the middle of the night. Luckily for the party, Vok, the riding rat, is unaffected by the Mass Suggestion spell, and his squealing wakes up everybody else. 
 
Skave: I throw my pillow at Vok.
 
The rather horrendous badger-headed deer-thing waiting to devour Gonno and Arram attempts to do so. Gonno does not fare well, and if it wasn’t for Vok he would now be quite dead. As it is, he’s only mostly dead. Fortunately for him, the creature opts to retreat when everybody else comes after it. Unfortunately, it promptly turns around to attack everybody that doesn’t stop to help Gonno. Miya goes down. 
 
Gonno OoC: Well, look on the bright side, if we do manage to kill this thing we don’t have to go after the minotaur. 
 
The creature is rather shocked to learn what Shev’s blackpowder weapon can do - presumably it’s never seen one before. It retreats again. Unfortunately the musket misfires on the second shot AGAIN. Miya and Gonno get dragged back to the campsite before the monster returns. Arram recognises it as a Leucrotta. Leucrottas are reputed to be unholy hybrids of hyenas and a demon lord, can lure people away with mimicry, and can bite through steel. It only knew Gonno’s name because somebody asked Gonno if he saw anything, when it was stalking us earlier.
 
Skave spends the rest of the day giving Gonno and Miya what medical aid he can provide. As far as we know, Leucrotta don’t have Regeneration, so it’s probably out there licking its wounds. Shev wants to track it down and finish it off as soon as Gonno and Miya are up to fighting again. Fortunately for us, our collective sneakery is better than its perception, and we have it cornered in a small cave. 
 
Gonno tries to punch it in the face - unwise with something that can bite through steel - but between Shev’s duckfoot pistol and Arram’s sorcerous pryomania the creature is not a problem for long. It has a well-chewed spellbook among the debris in its lair. The symbol on the cover is that of the evil god Norgorber, and unsurprisingly the cover is made from human leather. 
 
Gonno: No wonder the beast was chewing on it.
 
The number of deranged and evil wizards in the woods around Selversgard DOES seem disproportionately high. You have to wonder why they keep wandering off and getting themselves killed.
 
Shev: Dude, the Twilight Academy is JUST OVER THERE.
GM: Is it any wonder you keep running into wizards like this?
Arram: Lot of weirdos at that school. That said I can probably sneak in there if we ever need to - get my Illuminati robes.
 
We also find an IOUN stone - an orange pyramidal form, which is promptly orbiting Shev’s head.
 
Shev: What’s it do?
Arram: I’m tempted to say it’s the cursed one.
 
It’s cracked, so the only thing the stone can do is grant Prestidigitation.
 
Skave: Otherwise known as Least Wish.
Shev: AKA Spell Not On My List - gimme!
 
Unfortunately the monster won’t make a suitable trophy for Shev.
 
Shev: Leucrottas are Ugly As F***
Arram: But if you kill a Minotaur and hang its head on the wall it just looks like you killed a cow.
 
Further on, we encounter a foul-smelling, oily pit, with a truly gigantic oak tree overhanging the hole. It smells like several million years of death. That’s because it’s petroleum.
 
Skave: Shev, can you get me a sample?
Tree: I have no objection…. ….  but I doubt … it will be of use for you.
All: ….
Tree: *turning to look at Shev* Greetings … …  little one. 
 
According to the treant, the stuff is poisoning the local vegetation. He’d quite like the stuff neutralized, but that requires Skave’s alchemical knowledge. The treant moves off as the Ysoki works. Shev thinks a treant would be very useful for turning over the soil, if they could be persuaded to stay near town.
 
Miya: It might be worth keeping in mind what our village is known for. Asking a treant to hang around a lumber town might be in bad taste.
GM: It’s a purely natural material.
Shev: So’s Arsenic.
 
Unfortunately, since it’s natural, there’s no magical solution to neutralize it. It might be valuable to certain alchemists, but that would attract more humanoids to the deep woods. 
 
Shev: Your best bet is to find an Earth Elemental to help you.
Miya: That or find a wizard who knows Fireball.
Shev: NO.
 
We promise to get the druids involved, and he tells us where to find the minotaur.
 
Treant: As far as I know… …. … there is only one.
Shev: oh GOOD. Arram, how good are you at NOT using fire?
Treant: *waves slowly goodbye* Watch out…. For the sprites….
 
The sprites are actually inclined to help us - the Minotaur kidnapped their chief’s daughter, in order to pressure their shaman to make magical items for them. The entire sprite community have to go collecting material components. The one talking to us has a list - but it’s almost too small for us to read. And it’s in Sylvan. Happily, Arram can read Sylvan and has glasses to magnify it with. The Minotaur has been stocking up on healing potions. Unfortunately, the Minotaur has built his labyrinth in a cave. It would appear the dryad's little bird friends aren’t a very reliable information source. Happily, Vok can track by scent, which makes navigating the maze much more easy. Upon coming up to a door, Skave unlocks it, then steps back. Unhappily, nobody detects the giant Solifugid hiding behind it.
 
Miya: It looks like what spiders have nightmares about!
Skave: This is why I let other people open the doors!
Gonno OoC: No wonder the Minotaur needs all those healing potions, with these things wandering about.
Miya OoC: It was behind a locked door, I think we can assume he knew it was there.
 
At least if we die we’re all guaranteed a pretty good afterlife, should we die down here. Even followers of Asmodeus go to hell and get trained out of silly ideas like ‘free will’. In much the same way the Bessemer Process removes impurities from iron.
 
Arram: A fear of death is highly suspicious.
Miya: Spoken like a true inquisitor.
 
While we’re patching ourselves up, the Minotaur is sneaking up on us in the dark, holding a very large crossbow.
 
Arram: COW!!!!!
Miya: Finally, something intelligent that isn’t a bug *feints*
 
The Minotaur flees back into its maze, wounded. This could be very bad, if it’s heading off to kill the sprite hostage.
 
Skave: Get back here and fight, you overgrown hamburger!
 
Unfortunately it turns out the treant and the sprites were as badly misinformed as the dryad - there’s a second Minotaur.
 
Skave: …. It’s right behind me, isn’t it.
 
The little alchemist is violently gored. And that Minotaur goes violently berserk when it sees what we’ve done to the first.
 
Gonno OoC: Look on the bright side, Shev, you won't have to get married because it looks like you’ll be adopting your brother’s kids. 
 
Vok nearly bites the thing’s head off.
 
Arram: Which is pretty darn impressive - there’s a lot of neck on a minotaur. Well done that Vorpal Rat.
 
Skave manages to scramble out of the way of the Minotaur’s battleaxe. Gonno gets swatted with the battleaxe instead, and Miya gets gored in the face.
 
GM: Well, if you’re ever in the market for face jewelry, you won’t need to get your tongue pierced.
 
The second minotaur goes down.
 
Miya: Your future wife better be AMAZING - you have a matching set.
Shev: At least Mrs Brisby. 
GM: Of course what you’re actually saying with that tongue injury is GMAHHUHMUHmuh
 
At least the sprite chief is grateful that we rescued his daughter and shaman.
 
Shev: I need a trophy from the minotaurs as a bride price.
Sprite: Ah, you’re trying to bribe someone to be your mate - that’s fine.
Shev: … Well he’s not wrong.
Sprite: We cannot move Minotaurs.
Arram: I’d be impressed if you could.
 
They CAN expertly skin the two minotaurs, and sew up the holes we left in the hides - Shev is going to have two extremely creepy cowskull-topped cloaks for his wedding. At least we don’t have to go back into the maze - we triggered the first trap and attracted the minotaurs' attention.