QUARK Posted February 11, 2003 Report Share Posted February 11, 2003 Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers! The repairs to SSM's corporate headquarters are complete and the annual swimsuit issue is on the stands on schedule. I've settled back into my office and am prepared to answer your letters. I'll start off with one I didn't have time to answer when we were at the undisclosed secondary HQ: Dear Q.U.A.R.K., I find myself hampered in my quest to become benevolent dictator of the world by the sad quality of my agents. I am somewhat lacking in resources, so my current technique is to recruit gullible teenage girls, dress them in sexy outfits, and send them out on missions. Unfortunately this society we live in is so corrupt that only the hopelessly incompetent are naively idealistic enough to work for me for free. My chief agent is so giddy she can't concentrate on a single task for more than a second or so; when I criticize her for her inattention she says things like "Coherency is the Bugrom of the unimaginative mind" and "Weeeeeeee!" So far my team has made no progress toward conquest of our first city, much less the world. How can I recruit intelligent, competent agents to my cause? They must be attractive and provide their own means of support; I will provide revealing uniforms and basic equipment. Coquettishly, Big City Bishonen Dear Big City Bishonen, One of the hard realities of the vill- er, benevolent dictator racket is that world conquest is damned near impossible to achive on a shoestring budget. Where you stand now, you should make your number one priority acquiring some source of revenue that doesn't envolve holding the world for ransom with a doomsday device (which you probably can't afford anyway). Consider starting a Television Evangelist Ministry; not only is it a good way to effortlessly rake in the cash, but you will soon have a cult of fanatically devoted minions numbering in the millions. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted February 11, 2003 Report Share Posted February 11, 2003 Big City Bishonen This agent wouldn't happen to be named Excel by any chance, would she? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 I must protest! As a subscriber, I eagerly picked up the swimsuit issue. However, imagine my shock and horror when I found out that Grond, Ogre, and Michael Jackson in thongs were the feature models! Now I know you're a villain and this is in your job description, but this is totally CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!! I demand an apology and refund. Grond and Ogre were bad enough, but the centerfold with Michael Jackson was too much. It made 75% of my goons barf and then quit. Do you know how much trouble it is to recruit quality goons??? This is despicable even by your fiendish standards. Unsatisfied Customer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mightybec Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Dear QUARK, I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong? Thank You, Samuel Adams Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 12, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Originally posted by Gary I must protest! As a subscriber, I eagerly picked up the swimsuit issue. However, imagine my shock and horror when I found out that Grond, Ogre, and Michael Jackson in thongs were the feature models! Now I know you're a villain and this is in your job description, but this is totally CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!! I demand an apology and refund. Grond and Ogre were bad enough, but the centerfold with Michael Jackson was too much. It made 75% of my goons barf and then quit. Do you know how much trouble it is to recruit quality goons??? This is despicable even by your fiendish standards. Unsatisfied Customer Dear Unsatisfied, Unfortunately you have fallen prey to a scam by our most bitter rival, Super Sleaze Weekly. The SSM Swimsuit issue features Saphire, Witchcraft, and Lady Vice (Formerly Lady Virtue). I will talk to Uncle Lou about rectifying this injustice. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 12, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Originally posted by Mightybec Dear QUARK, I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong? Thank You, Samuel Adams Dear Mr. Adams, The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MilkmanDan Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Originally posted by Mightybec Dear QUARK, I'd like to rule the world someday, but my only superpower is the ability to turn any liquid into a high quality beer. I tried to recriut a bunch of guys from the local college as henchmen, but it wasn't long before someone puked on my couch and shaved my cat. Then there was a time I had sailors as henchmen. That time I lost my girlfriend and I got a bloody nose. Am I doing something wrong? Thank You, Samuel Adams Tragically, I have the opposite problem. My only superpower is the ability to turn any high quality beer into, er, another liquid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patriot Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Subscriber Dear QUARK, I am writing on behalf of the hero team I work for, Team Vanguard. Although we are quite busy, I still take the time to read the publication whenever it comes in....You know what they say,Know your enemy! P.S. You may or May not find humor in the fact that it was Foxbat that sent us the subscription. Sincerely, Patriot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mightybec Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Originally posted by QUARK Dear Mr. Adams, The best way to achieve world domination with the power you discribed is to start your own bottling company and add a "special ingredient" to the beer (i.e. an addictive mind altering drug that allows you to control people's minds with a high frequency sonic device). What the hell, it worked for Coors. Bad Probability, Dear QUARK, I've made alot of progress with a recent batch of henchmen. It appears that many senators and representatives are alcoholics, and are willing to almost anything for a bit of the good stuff. Wish me luck! Samuel Adams Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 12, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Re: Subscriber Originally posted by Patriot Dear QUARK, I am writing on behalf of the hero team I work for, Team Vanguard. Although we are quite busy, I still take the time to read the publication whenever it comes in....You know what they say,Know your enemy! P.S. You may or May not find humor in the fact that it was Foxbat that sent us the subscription. Sincerely, Patriot Dear Patriot, Enjoy your subscription. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 12, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Originally posted by Mightybec Dear QUARK, I've made alot of progress with a recent batch of henchmen. It appears that many senators and representatives are alcoholics, and are willing to almost anything for a bit of the good stuff. Wish me luck! Samuel Adams Dear Mr. Adams, I gratifies me to hear your prospects are looking up. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 13, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2003 A message from Uncle Lou: Dear Super Scum Magazine Subscribers, SSM is currently filing a lawsuit against our rival Super Sleaze Weekly after their mole within SSM stole a copy of our subscriber list and sent out bogus Swimsuit Issues. Copies of the real swimsuit issue are being mailed to our subscribers as you are reading this and the mole is being properly punished. If you have recieved a bogus Swimsuit Issue, please mail it to SSM corporate headquarters for disposal. Thank you. Lou C. Furr ("Uncle Lou"), Editor and Cheif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Posted February 13, 2003 Report Share Posted February 13, 2003 Thanks Quark, I appreciate the quick action on this matter. However, I found an interesting benefit from this incident. It appears that when the heroic side tries to stop my plans, I am able to hold up the centerfold of Michael Jackson in a thong, and the heroes are stopped dead in their tracks. This distraction has given me time to make my getaway. However, I do hear ominous mutterings of 'revenge' from the likes of Patriot and Team Vanguard. Should I take any precautions? Kosmic Krusher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Razor Posted February 13, 2003 Report Share Posted February 13, 2003 Dear QUARK, I found myself unable to follow your last advice to me. As you may recall, I had found myself in romantic pursuit of a superheroine who deemed me repugnant. The issue now is that it seems by continuing my pursuit I have stirred up another hornet's nest. The young goddess' boyfriend is an unearthly powerful thug who has pledged to bring her my head! Such a thing is very un-heroic, as I've tried to remind him, but he is set on this decidedly villainous action, foresaking his (weeny) code of ethics. My question is: Can you suggest a good method by which to fake my own death and implicate the gentleman in question? All you need know is that he is a "brick" with bicep measurments higher than his IQ. Please advise. Yours in Villainous splendor, Doc Razor (Not affiliated with Doc Razor's Hard Lemonade or Doc Razor's disposable shaving implements) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patriot Posted February 14, 2003 Report Share Posted February 14, 2003 Micheal Jackson (ripping of brown paper wrapper)...... flip flip flip (Critical failure on Con Check) hmmm...a centerfold. Blargh....ralph...hurl And they call us mutants freaks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 14, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2003 Originally posted by Gary Thanks Quark, I appreciate the quick action on this matter. However, I found an interesting benefit from this incident. It appears that when the heroic side tries to stop my plans, I am able to hold up the centerfold of Michael Jackson in a thong, and the heroes are stopped dead in their tracks. This distraction has given me time to make my getaway. However, I do hear ominous mutterings of 'revenge' from the likes of Patriot and Team Vanguard. Should I take any precautions? Kosmic Krusher Dear Kosmic Krusher, Yes, you should take precautions. Patriot was on our subscriber list when the mole stole it, so it's a safe bet he's got a bogus Swimsuit Issue of his own to use against you. I suggest you and your henchmen train to fight with your eyes closed. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 14, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2003 Originally posted by Doc Razor Dear QUARK, I found myself unable to follow your last advice to me. As you may recall, I had found myself in romantic pursuit of a superheroine who deemed me repugnant. The issue now is that it seems by continuing my pursuit I have stirred up another hornet's nest. The young goddess' boyfriend is an unearthly powerful thug who has pledged to bring her my head! Such a thing is very un-heroic, as I've tried to remind him, but he is set on this decidedly villainous action, foresaking his (weeny) code of ethics. My question is: Can you suggest a good method by which to fake my own death and implicate the gentleman in question? All you need know is that he is a "brick" with bicep measurments higher than his IQ. Please advise. Yours in Villainous splendor, Doc Razor (Not affiliated with Doc Razor's Hard Lemonade or Doc Razor's disposable shaving implements) Dear Doc, The easiest way to solve your current problem is to grab some Joe-Nobody off the street, drug him, surgically alter him to look like you, dress him in one of your spare costumes, and stake him out where Mr. Big and Dumb is sure to find him. Hide nearby with a video camera, record the incident, and secretly mail the tape to his girlfriend and the local PRIMUS office. Her horror at seeing what he did should bring their relationship to a quick end, and if he kills "you" in cold blood he could even get the death penalty. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inazuma Posted February 14, 2003 Report Share Posted February 14, 2003 Shocking Hair Treatment Dear QUARK, I'm an electrically-powered super, but I suffer from severe frizz hair due to the static electricity I generate! Is there anything you can suggest for this? Inazuma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2003 Re: Shocking Hair Treatment Originally posted by Inazuma Dear QUARK, I'm an electrically-powered super, but I suffer from severe frizz hair due to the static electricity I generate! Is there anything you can suggest for this? Inazuma Dear Inazuma, I haven't had much experience with hair problems (as a machine, I don't even have hair), but I believe there may be an ancient chinese gentleman in San Fransico who can help you. You'll find his shop a couple of doors down from the Imperial Dragon Chinese Resteraunt. Good Luck. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 17, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2003 (Electronic Sigh) If I must, then I must... BUMP!!! Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pythagoras Posted February 17, 2003 Report Share Posted February 17, 2003 Dear QUARK, I'm currently the ruling crimelord in a major city. For years now a local costumed avenger has been giving me no end of trouble, beating up my hired thugs, disrupting my criminal endevors, foiling my assasination attempts, etc. However I've recently discovered his secret identity, including an apparent wife and child. What is the best way to use the information to destroy the hero once and for all. Signed, Duke of Crime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 17, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2003 Originally posted by Pythagoras Dear QUARK, I'm currently the ruling crimelord in a major city. For years now a local costumed avenger has been giving me no end of trouble, beating up my hired thugs, disrupting my criminal endevors, foiling my assasination attempts, etc. However I've recently discovered his secret identity, including an apparent wife and child. What is the best way to use the information to destroy the hero once and for all. Signed, Duke of Crime Dear Duke, Attacking this costumed avenger's familiy is something I strongly advise you against. While some may tell you that going after the wife and kid is a good "psychological warfare tactic," I must warn you that doing thus will only backfire BIG TIME. To paraphrase Machievelli, If you make things personal the gloves come off. All of a sudden, an enemy who would have been content to see you tossed in a jail cell (which your lawyers can get you out of) will be out to send you on the redeye express to Hades (which all the lawyers in the universe could never save you from). If you must act on the the info you've acquired, I advise you to just frame him in civillian ID- something that will put him away for a long time. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patriot Posted February 17, 2003 Report Share Posted February 17, 2003 Business arrangement Dear QUARK, I was wondering, Is your subscriber list for sale? I have my own ...business, and was wondering if I could purchase your list to help my sales. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 17, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2003 Re: Business arrangement Originally posted by Patriot Dear QUARK, I was wondering, Is your subscriber list for sale? I have my own ...business, and was wondering if I could purchase your list to help my sales. Dear Patriot, Sales of SSM subscriber lists is really Uncle Lou's department, so I will pass on your message to him for consideration. As a rule though, we only sell subscriber information to F.O.E. (Fiendish Order of Evil) and similar groups, unless a subscriber expressly requests not to be on any mailing lists. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Posted February 17, 2003 Report Share Posted February 17, 2003 Dear Quark, I have a dilemma. My goons are threatening to go on strike! They want more pay, better working conditions, and a copy of the real SSM swimsuit issue. I've been a good master. I don't beat my goons up too much and rarely make an example of one. I almost never kill any of them even if they report a failure. I give them full medical, dental, and legal coverage. I've even set up a pension plan for them (although admittedly, nobody has ever collected). What is a crime lord to do? I need my goons for my next plot against Team Vanguard. Kosmic Krusher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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