SKJAM! Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 As you know, Bob, Evil Overlords have a list of things to do (or not do) should they ever be in a position of power. However, it is clear from fantasy and other escapist literature that not-so-evil leaders also sometimes do very foolish things, and could use a guide to proper behavior. Thus, this list.... When I Am the Benevolent Ruler... As a general rule, I will remember that I am not the Evil Overlord, and should not indulge in behavior that will confuse my subjects on this point. I will ensure that all my potential heirs have interesting and important jobs to do, according to their abilities, so they will have less time to plot against one another. If I do have a particular favorite among my heirs, I will go out of my way to show the others that I love them too. Even if this is not true. Being aware of the possibility of evil twins, mind control, or just having a really bad day, if the Hero suddenly starts acting out of character, I will call for a careful investigation rather than his head. I will not callously dump my old, reliable Hero for the latest flashy device, or a new "kewl" Hero. This invariably backfires, and it's so embarrassing to have to apologize to the Hero afterwards. I will remember that the word "vizier" is always preceded by the word "evil" for a reason, and plan accordingly. I will treat any flashy gift from a previously unknown wizard or inventor with the same caution I would a venomous snake. I will not be tempted by immortality. It is more important that my land be ruled well than that it be ruled by me. I will not base the distribution of my lands and property among my heirs on a flattery contest. Even if I think I'm smart enough to spot a good metaphor when I hear one. Additions? SKJAM! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Jogger Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... I will listen to the people, even though I will be horribly bored with one more farmer or peasant complaining about their minor problems. For I know, peasant revolts have been started over less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If the Hero is more popular than I am, I will not allow my jealousy to drive me to throw him into the dungeons, even if urged to do so by my evil advisors. Instead, I will appoint him to a well paid position for which he is not suited, such as Head of the Fisheries Department, and allow him to fade from the public eye. If this does not solve the problem, I will assign him as an ambassador to a friendly and unimportant country as far from the capital as possible. I will reconsider the need for Evil advisors, and will employ a bright seven year old child to inform me of which of my advisors are in fact Evil. When my Queen and my Champion are getting excessively friendly, I will send my Champion off on that crusade against Evil I've been meaning to get around to. My queen and I will seek marital counseling. I will reconsider marrying for love or money, and will instead marry a woman based on her demonstrated head for management and commitment to good government. If a bastard son should show up, I will welcome him, shower him with gifts, and find a nice crusade for him to head off on. My Queen will just have to deal with it. When a quest needs to be accomplished, I will send my youngest son first, and thus avoid ending up getting his brothers killed. My identical cousin or twin brother will either be given a nice job within my administration or killed outright, or possibly both and in that order. Imprisoning him in some form of mask will not be an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Worldmaker Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... I will scour the books for any pesky "Must be married by..." laws that might come up and bite me, or even worse my heirs, in the ass at a highly inappropriate time. Such laws are only there to allow the Evil Vizier another shot at stealing my throne. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... My wife will be advised in no uncertain terms against inviting Faerie Godmothers, Witches, or supernatural creatures of any sort to our child's christening. Old women, gypsies, and indeed people in general will be treated courteously at all times by my courtiers, champions and guards, even if I intend to have these people killed. Especially if I intend to have them killed. Plans to build an invincible super-weapon will be filed and ignored, unless we are actually at war. A good network of roads and accompanying communications system are vital to good government, and I shall maintain both. Wizards and withes will not be harassed by my loutish knights, but will instead be offered well-paid jobs in my Royal University, and provided with enough wine and food to keep them drunk, fat and happy. I will reconsider the need for loutish knights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If my brilliant yet ruthless wife is determined that her worthless son be named as my heir, I shall ask her to come up with a convincing plan for him to successfully rule once she is no longer there to pull his strings. If she is sufficiently brilliant to come up with such a plan, I shall accept her wishes rather than see all of my other potential heirs killed off. If her plan is not convincing, I shall have the pair of them killed then and there, or possibly that night. The welfare of my people comes first. If my wife seems to be gathering a great deal of power to herself, I will praise her for it, shower her with honors, and quietly assign her to take care of a massive and nearly impossible public works project, such as building a pyramid in a swamp or a wall that surrounds our entire kingdom. If she still wants power after trying to drain a swamp for thirty years, she can have it. I will avoid marrying family enemies, such as the grand-daughter of a man my father killed or the widow of a man I slew in fair combat. Instead, I shall marry a plain but bright girl with a talent for city planning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... When my tomboyish young daughter determines to prove that she is as good as any man, I will provide her with as much combat training as she can handle and a command of her own, with very skilled, loyal, and good looking body guards. A few tastes of bloody combat and their aftermath should get the bloodlust out of her system, especially if I include "field medicine" as part of her training. The inevitable affair with a guard should get me some grand-children, and taking care of them will keep her out of combat for a few years. My brave but foolhardy son shall be showered with love and praise, and will be sent into the worst of the fighting whenever possible. He'll either get some sense knocked into him or be killed. My cowardly but clever son will be given love and praise and a nice position in the church, or possibly as an administrator. If he is both cowardly and a fool, he will be quietly killed. I can always adopt an heir, and the good of my people is more important than the purity of my line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordGhee Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... Wait Wait!! the Evil overlord kills everyone and the Benevolent Ruler dose also!! Is this just a function of goverment? Lord Ghee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... Wait Wait!! the Evil overlord kills everyone and the Benevolent Ruler dose also!! Is this just a function of goverment? Lord Ghee The Evil Overlord kills for fun and profit. The Good Overlord kills for the good of his nation. The "Pacifist Overlord" is more accurately described as "The Former-Overlord." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKJAM! Posted October 6, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... However, the Benevolent Ruler should kill in such a way as not to have people confuse him with the Evil Overlord. It's a difficult line to walk, but an important one. Back to the list.... I will avoid producing extra-marital offspring. Yes, my needs are important, and a "spare" *might* come in handy, but 99% of the time bastards just cause trouble. It is only proper that my standard of living is better than that of my subjects. Indeed, my subjects *expect* that of their ruler. However, I will never mistake my personal prosperity for that of the general populace and drive them into destitution. Firmly disciplined peasants=good. Oppressed peasants=bad. If the god of my country is not only demonstratably real, but has taken a close personal interest in my career, I will not tick Him off by pulling stupid stunts I darn well know are against His rules. My weaselly workarounds and excuses are *not* going to impress Him, and the country really doesn't need another bout of divine wrath. I will keep my children's feelings in mind when picking spouses for them. While political considerations are important, it won't help the planned alliance if my daughter's first reaction is to poison her new husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... I shall not, under any circumstances, fund construction projects intended to "rival the glory of the Gods themselves." Instead, I shall base my development plans on the actual needs of my kingdom. Should I be lucky enough to have a beautiful daughter, I will at no time declare her to be more beautiful than a named goddess, and will instead restrict myself to referring to her as "very beautiful". Similarly, I will not compare myself to any known divinity. If asked to judge a beauty a contest between several rival Goddesses, I shall decline as politely as possible. If forced to participate, I shall base my choice of winner on the Goddess most able to offer post-contest protection, and prepare for the worst. If my beloved son should bring his married lover to my capital city, I shall strongly advise the two of them to reconsider their relationship, and order them to leave. Love is grand, but my son's romantic life is not worth a major war. Rather than relying on passing heroes to solve my monster problems, I shall invest in a well trained standing army. If a Forest of Evil should exist on my lands, I will systematically convert it into small farms over a period of 5-10 years rather than leaving it to fester. If I feel that I absolutely must win back the Holy Land from the Infidel, I will not ride out to do so myself, leaving my evil and foolish younger brother on the throne. Instead, I will dispatch a loyal and competent general to take care of the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just A Guy Name Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... Sounds like the Benevolent Ruler and the Evil Overlord studied from the same book. Machiavelli? I'll bet they even graduated from the same class.. probably salutatorian and valedictorian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... Sounds like the Benevolent Ruler and the Evil Overlord studied from the same book. Machiavelli? I'll bet they even graduated from the same class.. probably salutatorian and valedictorian Possibly. I've never liked the idea that Benevolent = Dim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Obvious Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... Agreed. Back in my D&D days, I started playing Lawful Good hardasses because I was sick of the forgive-and-forget weaklings that LG was being equated with.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koshka Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If a bastard son should show up, I will welcome him, shower him with gifts, and find a nice crusade for him to head off on. My Queen will just have to deal with it. I won't take any actions that could result in a bastard child until I have at least one legitimate heir, preferably two. My country doesn't need some noble (especially one related to the Queen) claiming that the reason there's no legitimate heir is because I've been too busy chasing other women to have sex with my wedded spouse. If my Queen and I have fertility problems, I will get them taken care of promptly. Adoption is good, if nothing else works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samaritan Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If asked to judge a beauty a contest between several rival Godesses, I shall decline as politely as possible. If forced to participate, I shall base my choice of winner on the Godess most able to offer post-contest protetion, and prepare for the worst. In this particular instance, you must confess that a mortal should NEVER judge a goddess on any basis, for it is simply not your place as a mote on the immortal tapestry. Then beat feet for the hills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basil Posted October 6, 2004 Report Share Posted October 6, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... When I am the Benevolent Ruler, I will remember the "The greatest good of the greatest number" is a meaningless noise, because one can never tell who makes up "the greatest number," one cannot compare "good"s to tell which is "the greatest," and one cannot know ahead of time what all the ramifications of an action are going to be. Instead, I will simply act sensibly (and cautiously) to give my people a chance to improve their lives. I will also learn from my mistakes, rather than repeating them in the hopes the result I wanted will eventually occur. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost who Walks Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... I will not draft so many men for my armies, that my fields can't be harvested. I will not make enemies of any wizard who can cause earthquakes, melt stone, or shape rock. If I do, I will move out of my castle immediately. I will not force anyone under four feet tall to fight in my army. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKJAM! Posted October 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... The three impossible tasks I set for my daughter's suitors will actually have something to do with qualities necessary in a future Benevolent Ruler. (Though admittedly the ability to do the impossible is a potent qualification all by itself.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Worldmaker Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If a noble-spirited yet penniless peasant boy disguises himself as a prince with the aid of a powerful magical being just so he can woo my daughter, when his true identity is finally revealed I will not fly into a rage and have him imprisoned. Such actions are only a recipe for disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PoorWandering 1 Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... abdicate in favour of a neo-anarchist collective where we take in turn to be a kind of executive officer of the week. However all decisions of that officer must be ratified at a bi-weekly meeting ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... When my trusted underling or long time friend informs me of a plot against the throne, I will give the claim serious consideration and begin an investigation. I will not cast my underling into the dungeons, nor shall I exile my friend, until and unless the investigation is complete. Of course my family might betray me. We're royalty. I shall plan accordingly. Prisoners and Exiles shall be comfortably housed and well fed, and regular inspections by trusted third parties shall confirm this. I am not interested in punishment, I am interested in the good of the kingdom, and if I have made a mistake then I need to be able to reasonably make amends. If I were absolutely certain of their guilt, I should have had them executed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StGrimblefig Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If a brilliant but rather unstable wizard/artificer/scientist/etc. proposes to build a perfect/ultimate/doomsday weapon, I will immediately classify the project as the highest secret in the land, set him up in the most remote and isolated laboratory in my kingdom, protect him from any interference, and make sure that the 3 rarest and most difficult to obtain materials for the project are never within a hundred miles of the place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OddHat Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If tempted to switch clothes with a peasant who happens to resemble me in order to pass for one of the common people, I shall instead have the peasant tell me detailed tales of his life over drinks in my nice, comfy sitting room, then give him a few coins and send him on his way. My job is too important to be left in the hands of an untrained peasant, and if he really can do it just as well as I can then I should just abdicate right now. If I find that my son has been dressing as a peasant in order to mix with the common folk, I'll send him off to a nice monastery and get to work on a new heir, one with some damn sense this time. If I find that my daughter has been dressing as a man in order to get some adventure in her life, I'll step up the military portion of her training and just let her get it out of her system openly instead of sneaking about and risking trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKJAM! Posted October 9, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2004 Re: When I Am the Benevolent Ruler.... If I am aware that my preferred heir is unacceptable to my subjects for some stupid reason (such as being born female in a country that allows only male rulers), I will do my best to ensure the person who actually takes the throne will be an acceptable substitute by my standards, and/or trained to take the advice of the more sensible heir. (Sadly, it turns out that some of the few laws the ruler cannot change to fit his preference in most monarchies is that dealing with who's eligible to succeed to the throne. So that route's out.) If I feel compelled to disguise myself as one of the common people to get a better idea of the conditions in my country, I will make sure at least two people who are not in the same chain of command, and are not my evil vizier, know where I'm going. Also, I will take along a competent bodyguard who knows when to stop calling me "Sire." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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