(In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Oh...

 

*contemplating*

 

Ya know where I can find some Uranium Hexaflouride...?

 

 

Wellll... The last that I heard, places like Oak Ridge used it at some point in the

past as part of something called the gaseous-seperation process (one of two

methods for extracting Plutonium from Uranium, at least back in the beginnings

of the Manhattan Project; for all I know, the technique may not even be in use

anymore). Needless to say, this isn't something you're going to be able to buy

at your local Wal-Mart.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: Hiya QUARK-dude...

 

I perchanced into a spaceport bar lately, and set something I recently found up on the bar to contemplate its workings... It's a half-meter long, 40kg, 6-barreled rotary-firing autocannon...

 

Anyway, the bartender got all upset with me... I explained that it wasn't loaded, but she still made me take it away, because it wan't in a holster...

 

The next day, after going through the anguish of getting a custom holster for it, I went back, and she made me take it away again, even through it was in a holster like she said she wanted the day before...!!!

 

What can I do to get revenge...?

 

 

You could always phone in an anonynmous tip to the police accusing her of

selling alcohol to minors -- once you've fabricated the necessary evidence,

that is.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Foxiekins]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Wellll... The last that I heard, places like Oak Ridge used it at some point in the

past as part of something called the gaseous-seperation process (one of two

methods for extracting Plutonium from Uranium, at least back in the beginnings

of the Manhattan Project; for all I know, the technique may not even be in use

anymore). Needless to say, this isn't something you're going to be able to buy

at your local Wal-Mart.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

Oh... Well, so much for THAT experiment...

[Foxiekins]

Re: Hiya QUARK-dude...

 

You could always phone in an anonynmous tip to the police accusing her of

selling alcohol to minors -- once you've fabricated the necessary evidence,

that is.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

I didn't have to fabricate anything, they come into the bar all the time...

 

It didn't work, though...

 

The police person asked how old they were, and I said maybe 20 to 30 years old... She said they weren't minors, and I said yes they were... After all, the people they work for wouldn't pay them if they didn't mine the coal...

 

You never heard such bad language from a police person in your life...

[steriaca]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Mr. Wicked: I know what you mean about the Harbinger. Talk about your really

serious party poopers... One of my professional aquaintances, a fellow named

Richaal, told me about a recent incident in which some of his men (considering

where he and his crew are from, I use the word "men" rather loosely, if you

know what I mean) were visiting Hudson City to find some "volunteers" for the

good Captain's "compulsory servitude" program, and had the misfortune to run

into the Harbinger. In spite of having the advantage in both numbers and fire-

power, the Harbinger still managed to frag them faster than you could

say "Mack Bolan". Let me tell you, Uncle Sam's MIBs had one hellacious time

covering up the "out-of-town" nature of Captain Richaal's employees. Needless

to say, Hudson City tops my list of places I don't want to be found in (alive or

dead).

 

Now, about your flooding room idea, let me say that it's not a bad idea, and

you're right about most superheroines needing to breathe. Just remember: you

don't necessarily need to use water in that particular deathtrap. As a certain

white-faced Clown Prince of Crime once demonstrated, you can "drown" some-

one in gas just as easily. The only drawback to using either gas or water is

that your victim might not have to breathe at all. If you're feeling particularly

mean-spirited, though, you could always use uranium hexaflouride gas. That

stuff'll eat through anything (except Nickel, Adamantium, or Neutronium).

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

P.S.: Don't you mean the 19th Century? You are a Victorian-era

themed professional kidnapper, aren't you??

 

It is true. I do style myself after Victorian melodrama villians and early silent movie villians. As for your ideal about gas, it is intresting. I might also just try to blow her up with a few hundred sticks of good, old fashion TNT.

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: Hiya QUARK-dude...

 

I didn't have to fabricate anything, they come into the bar all the time...

 

It didn't work, though...

 

The police person asked how old they were, and I said maybe 20 to 30 years old... She said they weren't minors, and I said yes they were... After all, the people they work for wouldn't pay them if they didn't mine the coal...

 

You never heard such bad language from a police person in your life...

 

 

You silly bugger, I said minors, not miners!! You know -- KIDS!

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

It is true. I do style myself after Victorian melodrama villians and early silent movie villians. As for your ideal about gas' date=' it is intresting. I might also just try to blow her up with a few hundred sticks of good, old fashion TNT.[/quote']

 

 

Hmmm... You know, if cross-universe travel wasn't such a monumental pain in

the a$$, I'd recommend that you pay a quick visit to the universe of the Lens

and grab some Duodec explosive. All you'd need would be a couple of ounces,

and it'd be like using a low-yield nuke. The only other thing you'd want to have

handy would be an indestructible chamber in which to imprision your victim

before you try to blow her up.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Foxiekins]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Hmmm... You know, if cross-universe travel wasn't such a monumental pain in

the a$$, I'd recommend that you pay a quick visit to the universe of the Lens

and grab some Duodec explosive. All you'd need would be a couple of ounces,

and it'd be like using a low-yield nuke. The only other thing you'd want to have

handy would be an indestructible chamber in which to imprision your victim

before you try to blow her up.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

I don't like Lensmen... They keep trying to shoot me and stuff...

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

I don't like Lensmen... They keep trying to shoot me and stuff...

 

Allow me to recommend the following line from "My Rifle":

 

"I will shoot my enemy who is trying to shoot me. I will..."

 

Now, this might not work so well with those annoying Gray Lensmen, especially

since there's at least one who can kill you with your own guilty conscience

( creepy...).

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

It is true. I do style myself after Victorian melodrama villians and early silent movie villians. As for your ideal about gas' date=' it is intresting. I might also just try to blow her up with a few hundred sticks of good, old fashion TNT.[/quote']

 

 

Just had a thought: have you ever considered the classic "descending spike-

lined ceiling" deathtrap with regards to your superheroine disposal problem?

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[steriaca]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Just had a thought: have you ever considered the classic "descending spike-

lined ceiling" deathtrap with regards to your superheroine disposal problem?

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

Of course I have, Major Tom. The problem is the same problem I have with most evey deathtrap I can think up to spring on my lovely damsel...how to acualy force her into my lair, have her dressed up apropertly, and then willingly have her enter the deathtrap. It is not like she is The Web.

 

Reginal Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper.

[Funksaw]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Of course I have, Major Tom. The problem is the same problem I have with most evey deathtrap I can think up to spring on my lovely damsel...how to acualy force her into my lair, have her dressed up apropertly, and then willingly have her enter the deathtrap. It is not like she is The Web.

 

Reginal Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper.

Hmm... seems that you should take advice from the woman I'm currently crushing over. She had no problem with that. No problem with that at all.

 

Anyone got a hacksaw?

 

-- Frustrated in Vibora.

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Of course I have, Major Tom. The problem is the same problem I have with most evey deathtrap I can think up to spring on my lovely damsel...how to acualy force her into my lair, have her dressed up apropertly, and then willingly have her enter the deathtrap. It is not like she is The Web.

 

Reginal Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper.

 

 

Hmmm... I think we've just hit upon the core of your problem: namely, that you're

trying to force your intended victim(s) into your deathtrap. Instead of try-

ing to force your victim into your deathtrap, try manipulating her into

stepping into it of her own free will (more or less). Just think of how much more

satisfying it would be to make her the instrument of her own downfall. How

do I accomplish this, you ask? The answer to that is very simple, and can be

summed up in one word: DEPENDENTS. I don't know of too many superheroines

(or superheroes, for that matter) who don't have at least one dependent (some

of them seem to have entire classrooms full of them) who can be kidnapped and

used as bait. All it really takes is an easily-traceable (but not too easily-traceable)

phone call to your intended victim (something along the lines of, say, "Come to

this address or something...terribly unpleasant...will happen to [insert name of

dependent here]"), and they're practically yours for the taking. Once she's there,

you can continue to call the shots by simply showing her the imperiled dependent --

and the "terribly unpleasant" thing that'll be done to her/him if she doesn't do

as you demand.

 

The rest, as they say, is up to you.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Hmm... seems that you should take advice from the woman I'm currently crushing over. She had no problem with that. No problem with that at all.

 

Anyone got a hacksaw?

 

-- Frustrated in Vibora.

 

 

The new ball-and-chain got you down, has she?

 

Major Tom

[Funksaw]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

The new ball-and-chain got you down, has she?

 

Major Tom

I *could* very well escape at any time I wanted.

 

 

 

I think.

 

 

 

Pretty sure, anyway.

[Foxiekins]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

I *could* very well escape at any time I wanted.

 

 

 

I think.

 

 

 

Pretty sure, anyway.

 

<"singing">Funksaw has a girlfriend... Funksaw has a girlfriend...!!!<"/singing">

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

I *could* very well escape at any time I wanted.

 

 

 

I think.

 

 

 

Pretty sure, anyway.

 

 

Ah... I'd check whatever your new lady friend is using to keep you close at hand.

For all you know, she might have better contacts than Mr. Wicked does when

it comes to getting indestructible restraints.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[Funksaw]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

<"singing">Funksaw has a girlfriend... Funksaw has a girlfriend...!!!<"/singing">

Out of character:

 

Actually, yes I do, and she's very nice. But I figured this was an IC thread...

[Funksaw]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Ah... I'd check whatever your new lady friend is using to keep you close at hand.

For all you know, she might have better contacts than Mr. Wicked does when

it comes to getting indestructible restraints.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

Thanks. I was going to ask her that, but I'm worried that she might start monologging, and nothing's a worse turnoff.

[Funksaw]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

"We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was."

"Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril."

"Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."

"No, it's too perilous."

"Look, it's my duty as a superhero to sample as much peril as I can."

"No, we've got to find the new VIPER nest that's been set up. Come on!"

"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"

"No. It's unhealthy."

 

-- Frustrated in Vibora

[Guest Major Tom]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

"We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was."

"Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril."

"Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."

"No, it's too perilous."

"Look, it's my duty as a superhero to sample as much peril as I can."

"No, we've got to find the new VIPER nest that's been set up. Come on!"

"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"

"No. It's unhealthy."

 

-- Frustrated in Vibora

 

 

This what you mean by "monologging"?

 

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

[tusaboss]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Of course I have, Major Tom. The problem is the same problem I have with most evey deathtrap I can think up to spring on my lovely damsel...how to acualy force her into my lair, have her dressed up apropertly, and then willingly have her enter the deathtrap. It is not like she is The Web.

 

Reginal Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper.

 

I don't understand, do you need the heroine to willingly enter in your lair and dress up, or you just need he heroine to enter willingly the death trap? In this case, the first part is easy...I suggest you chloroform. As it was rightly pointed, most heroines need to breath...besides, chloroform has been proven to be effective even with super strong heroines and bullet-stopping skinwould be useless...You can even do it yourself or having some random crook to pounce upon her while she is listening your rant...With very strong heroines you can easily hire a moderately super-strong henchman. Then you can bring her to your lair and dress her. Have her to awake in a room (possibly with a proper choreography like an art gallery or wax museum or 19th victorian furnishings...) with the only exit passing through the death trap...If you make the path long enough, you may even have her listening your rant (diffused by some simple speaker) while she is walking toward her doom. It take a little experience to manage to ave the heroine fall in the death trap just when your rant get to the point, but then it full of superheroines out there...

[steriaca]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

Hmmm... I think we've just hit upon the core of your problem: namely, that you're

trying to force your intended victim(s) into your deathtrap. Instead of try-

ing to force your victim into your deathtrap, try manipulating her into

stepping into it of her own free will (more or less). Just think of how much more

satisfying it would be to make her the instrument of her own downfall. How

do I accomplish this, you ask? The answer to that is very simple, and can be

summed up in one word: DEPENDENTS. I don't know of too many superheroines

(or superheroes, for that matter) who don't have at least one dependent (some

of them seem to have entire classrooms full of them) who can be kidnapped and

used as bait. All it really takes is an easily-traceable (but not too easily-traceable)

phone call to your intended victim (something along the lines of, say, "Come to

this address or something...terribly unpleasant...will happen to [insert name of

dependent here]), and they're practically yours for the taking. Once she's there,

you can continue to call the shots by simply showing her the imperiled dependent --

and the "terribly unpleasant" thing that'll be done to her/him if she doesn't do

as you demand.

 

The rest, as they say, is up to you.

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

You are corect, Major. I shall fund a few privet investgators in order to find out her dependents, and will get back to you on how susessful I am.

 

Mister Reginal Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper.

[Funksaw]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

This what you mean by "monologging"?

 

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

Technically, that's dialoguing.

[starblaze]

Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew!

 

This what you mean by "monologging"?

 

 

Major Tom

Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large

 

Hey! I thought this was Q.U.A.R.K's advice colulmn!? Why is this Major Tom doing all the work? Come on Q.U.A.R.K! WAKE UP!