QUARK Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Greetings Super Scum Magazine subscribers! After a long hiatas, the supervillain advice column is back. I've reassumed my position as columnist after Uncle Lou returned to reclaim his position as Editor-In-Chief (he was hiding in a spider hole in Iraq all the time, who knew?). Unfortunately, Lou wasn't pleased with my attempts to "MAXIMize" SSM and I barely managed to avoid being fired outright, but that's the way the cookie gets deleted. So without further adu, I'll be answering your questions on everything from success in your carreer of evil to making the most of the supervillain lifestyle. Pestered by some meddling kids and their pot-smoking, talking dog? Worried you're just a couple of botched hiests away from a long stay in Stronghold? Want to be more respected by your fellow evil doers? Write in, I'm always ready to listen. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doppler Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Most Disgusting Quark: I've commandeered the account of a degenerate ninny in order to access this board and keep my true location a secret. In fact, I'll be passing around this account to all my nefarious cohorts, in case they need to ask you for advice- and believe me, they need your advice. I'm a super-stealthy type who specializes in stealing valuables and "disappearing" pesky loose ends. But whenever I encounter a meddling do-gooder, they snicker at my name. What gives? Insincerely, Meester Easter, the Master of Hide and Seek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Mr. Easter, It's always unfortunate when one's name makes one the butt of jokes, I can assure you it has happened to the best of us. While you can always kill the do-gooders who insult you, a less drastic solution may be to simply change your name. Consider something like Ben Dover, I.P. Freely, or Amanda Hugginkis (though the later may have a change of gender as a prerequisite). Good luck, and as always... Bad Probabilty, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! QUARK, I recently came into possession of a long dormant volcano. I know that it is a supervillain cliche to install one's superbase there, but I hadn't realized just how mcuh so. You see, the former owner who sold it to me (at quite a song) turned out to be Dr. Destroyer himself. It seems he has a whole chain of these things, but in order to maximize his cash in a hurry (rumor has it, so he can buy stealth devices to hide a friend's weapons of mass destruction), he sold off one island to me. The problem is that the place is a shambles. Behind the massive security doors and nearly impregnible shielding lay a place that had seen better days. Aside from the security systems the place is a near loss. I'm going to have to reinstall everything. The agreement said a fully furnished base. But he's not the kind of guy I can take to court; Many have tried. What do you suggest as a means of getting back my money, or at least, getting back at the Destroyer himself? Sincerely, (Lava) Pitfiend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Pitfiend, This is truly a disgrace, especially for villain of the Doctor's caliber (what ever happened to honor among thieves? Shame). The best way to recover your losses in this case is to set the place up as a decoy base/trap for the do-gooders. As long as you don't waste it on just any ol' group of caped clods, you should be able to get your money's worth afterall. When life gives you lemons, yada, yada. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermit Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K., Inspired by your last column run where Lady Virtue turned into Lady Vice (I've been following her career closely having all the issues etc) I have decided at last what sort of super villain I wish to be. World Conquest sounds tedious, and simple cash flow seems tawdry, so I have settled on- Corruption! Yes, I want to be a corrupter. I want to turn good girls bad. I want to sway good guys to the dark side. I wish to make the sweet sour and have a ball doing it. Thank you, for giving me direction for my villainous career. If you could help me once more, I was wondering... 1) What method (Magic, Tech, Psychic powers etc) would you reccomend as best for corruption? 2) Who do you think would make a good target? 3) Where would be the best place to make my lair? Sin-cerely, just started in the evil game Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKJAM! Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear QUARK, My girlfriend recently left me due to the machinations of a mind-controlling metahuman. ("Can't turn the power off", my @$$.) When I attempted to persuade her that she was being manipulated and should return to my loving arms, things got a little out of hand. The upshot is that I am now serving time in a reform school. (I'm sure her jaw will heal!) While I am not exactly a genius, I'm good with machinery, and have been granted access to the school's machine shop. I plan to build a crude armored battlesuit, break out, and get my revenge on the mind-controller. The problem is that he resides in a school for metahuman teenagers, and I may be forced to fight his teammates as well. Given my limited access to high technology, what weapons would you recommend I build in to maximize combat flexibility? Thanks, Jawbreaker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torch Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Access Q.U.A.R.K. : I received an invitation to guest host the 1st Annual Celebrity Roast to be held at an unspecified date at the Sanctuary Flambe and Smokehouse. The vict--erm--honorees include Michael Moore and Jerry Falwell. I'm hot to accept, but my co-host is none other than my old flame Cool Ice. I melt whenever we meet. The problem is, so does he. How can we hook up again without going up in steam? Signed, Burning for a Second Chance Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Access Q.U.A.R.K. : I received an invitation to guest host the 1st Annual Celebrity Roast to be held at an unspecified date at the Sanctuary Flambe and Smokehouse. The vict--erm--honorees include Michael Moore and Jerry Falwell. Which one are y'all gonna roast...? Moore or Falwell...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Which one are y'all gonna roast...? Moore or Falwell...? Both obviously Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K. The end of the millennium brought out lots of panic and an upsurge in membership of dark and evil cults. However the cult ran into a snag with the old ritual sacrifice thing. There just doesn't seem to be any nubile virgins around anymore. And killing kids is just plain cheating. So where do you get a nubile virgin from nowadays ? Either sex but female preferred. Sincerely Death Tribble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 7, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K., Inspired by your last column run where Lady Virtue turned into Lady Vice (I've been following her career closely having all the issues etc) I have decided at last what sort of super villain I wish to be. World Conquest sounds tedious, and simple cash flow seems tawdry, so I have settled on- Corruption! Yes, I want to be a corrupter. I want to turn good girls bad. I want to sway good guys to the dark side. I wish to make the sweet sour and have a ball doing it. Thank you, for giving me direction for my villainous career. If you could help me once more, I was wondering... 1) What method (Magic, Tech, Psychic powers etc) would you reccomend as best for corruption? 2) Who do you think would make a good target? 3) Where would be the best place to make my lair? Sin-cerely, just started in the evil game Dear Just Started, 1) One doesn't need special powers to be a corruptor, ask any producer of a reality television program. That said, I'd go the technological route, the other two options you mentioned tend to be abit iffy. 2) As a wise ol' fellow once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." 3) I hear the Hamtons is nice (if it was good enough for Martha...) I'm please to hear you enjoyed the exploits of Lady Vice and recommend you check out her spread in the next issue of SSM. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 7, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Access Q.U.A.R.K. : I received an invitation to guest host the 1st Annual Celebrity Roast to be held at an unspecified date at the Sanctuary Flambe and Smokehouse. The vict--erm--honorees include Michael Moore and Jerry Falwell. I'm hot to accept, but my co-host is none other than my old flame Cool Ice. I melt whenever we meet. The problem is, so does he. How can we hook up again without going up in steam? Signed, Burning for a Second Chance Dear Burning, I recommend you think twice about applying open flame to the likes of Moore and Falwell unless a) you and your boyfriend can withstand the massive explosion that will result and there are atleast two elite teams of superheroes within the blast radius. As for your steamy romance (pun intentional), an asbestos suit for him is your best bet. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 7, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K. The end of the millennium brought out lots of panic and an upsurge in membership of dark and evil cults. However the cult ran into a snag with the old ritual sacrifice thing. There just doesn't seem to be any nubile virgins around anymore. And killing kids is just plain cheating. So where do you get a nubile virgin from nowadays ? Either sex but female preferred. Sincerely Death Tribble Dear Death Tribble, Uncle Lou and I are please to hear the dark cults are still going strong today and that you have no intention of watering down the timeless practices of the dark arts. As for the shortage of nubile virgin females in the modern day, there is just no way around it I'm afraid. What's more, any such rarity you do manage to procure will likely be the love interest of some uber-do-gooder who will thwart your carefully planned ritual and wipe out the lot of you. I recommend you stick to rituals that will allow you to tribute people nobody will ever miss such as telemarketers, petty criminals, and Richard Hatch from Survivor. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 7, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear QUARK, My girlfriend recently left me due to the machinations of a mind-controlling metahuman. ("Can't turn the power off", my @$$.) When I attempted to persuade her that she was being manipulated and should return to my loving arms, things got a little out of hand. The upshot is that I am now serving time in a reform school. (I'm sure her jaw will heal!) While I am not exactly a genius, I'm good with machinery, and have been granted access to the school's machine shop. I plan to build a crude armored battlesuit, break out, and get my revenge on the mind-controller. The problem is that he resides in a school for metahuman teenagers, and I may be forced to fight his teammates as well. Given my limited access to high technology, what weapons would you recommend I build in to maximize combat flexibility? Thanks, Jawbreaker Dear Jawbreaker, First, let me recommend you become a member of FOE (Fiendish Order of Evil), the equipment rental discounts at affiliated stores pays for itself after your first evil scheme, plus their fleet of medevac units can be a life saver when you encounter tough supers like those at this school you mentioned. As for the best non-tech-intensive armaments for your starter suit, I recommend a chaingun or two, a grenade launcher, a chainsaw, and a flamethrower. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doppler Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K. The end of the millennium brought out lots of panic and an upsurge in membership of dark and evil cults. However the cult ran into a snag with the old ritual sacrifice thing. There just doesn't seem to be any nubile virgins around anymore. And killing kids is just plain cheating. So where do you get a nubile virgin from nowadays ? Either sex but female preferred. Sincerely Death Tribble And if you figure that one out, let me know, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheQuestionMan Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Greetings great and dishonourable Q.U.A.R.K. It is with great humility that I address you. Meddling superheroes destroyed my VIPER base and the Council of Thirty (Those miserable dogs) have sent it's assassins to silence me. How do I recover my lost honour? How do I reconcile with the Serpent? Humblly yours The Sinister Samurai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 8, 2005 Report Share Posted February 8, 2005 Yo, Quark-dude...!!! Everything is always Evil, Evil, Evil... Why doesn't anyone help out Naughty Villains...? You know, that's like an Evil Villain, but just Naughty instead of Evil... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Liaden Posted February 8, 2005 Report Share Posted February 8, 2005 Felicitations, my good Q.U.A.R.K. : As a soon-to-be world conqueror of refinement and impeccable breeding, I find myself faced with an intolerable affront to my dignity which I would be grateful (and generous) for your help in eliminating. The recent culmination of a three year project by my team of hired, and frankly woefully overpriced scientists, was the successful bestowal of great superpowers upon myself, specifically the power to transform into a mighty being of solidified ionic energy. While this energy form has proven to be as capable as I was promised, its destructive power is such that to safely handle mundane items, not to mention articulate commands (my energy form is mute), I must resume human form. I was understandably offended to discover that the process of transformation completely atomizes any garments I may be wearing, which do not reintegrate when I resume my human shape. This is of course an unacceptable humiliation to a man of manners. The inept techno-cretins I hired were unable to correct the problem or to devise any material that could withstand the transformation, and so of course are now small piles of ash in the dustbin outside my headquarters. (An outcome you would be wise to remember.) I come to you now to request your assistance in devising a solution to my condition, or a stratagem by which I may avoid compromising my dignity in the eyes of my enemies and underlings. Your compensation shall be commeasurate with your success, or your failure. Awaiting your response, I remain Yours Sovereignly, Baron Ion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hooligan x Posted February 9, 2005 Report Share Posted February 9, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K., I am a fairly experienced super-henchman. I use my massive strength to bust open bank vaults and punch heros into orbit for my employers. It's fun work and the pay is nice. My problem is this: a girl. I like this spooky ghost-controlling super-babe who wears nothing but leather. everytime I see her I drop a wall on my foot. But I am sure she only sees me as a "dumb brick'. I have a post-graduate degree in ornitholgy but because I can throw an aircraft carrier across the Hudson, everyone thinks I am an idiot. What can I do? Thanks, Mad Angus MacCray Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanith Posted February 9, 2005 Report Share Posted February 9, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Quark - I've recently completed my on-line degree in "Completely Unlikely Nuclear Physics". With the job market being the way it is, I've had to take a part-time job within an established firm. Just last week I was working day-shift when the do-gooders ran in. Most of my co-workers ran screaming, but I was grabbed by my section leader and told to man the self-destruct system. How can I, the smartest person ever to step foot in the door, be expected to sacrifice myself for my no-neck, butt-licking supervisor? James Pedeaston, Super Genius Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKJAM! Posted February 10, 2005 Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! How can I, the smartest person ever to step foot in the door, be expected to sacrifice myself for my no-neck, butt-licking supervisor? Quite easily, I'm afraid. Those whose power comes from their title, rather than any innate quality, often mistake "granted power" over their subordinates for actual power that they can wield without restriction. If you are working for an Evil Corporation , this is doubly true. Just my two cents, SKJAM! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 10, 2005 Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 I need advice... So anyway... This one time, I somehow found myself on this really, really huge spaceship and stuff... It was some kind of destroyer, or something... Anyway, I was zooming around, and enjoying myself, when I sorta-kinda annoyed the crew by teaching the ship's computer to sing "It's a small World"... And it wouldn't stop singing... So I got taken to an airlock by this Asthmatic dude wearing black robes and this funky, shiney black helmet, and he kicked me in the butt, right out the airlock door... And I heard him say, "And STAY out!" as I plummetted... Luckily I landed in a fountain, but the fact remains he kicked me in the butt... So what I want to know is, how can I get back at him...? Wootlingly yours, me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Funksaw Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Re: I need advice... Dear Q.U.A.R.K. Hi. I'm a hero in the local "hero scene" - but, well, there's this girl that I like. She, uh, well, she's intelligent, charming, witty, beautiful, witty... and it turns out we have alot in common. She's also horribly evil. But, well, I can't stop thinking about her. And I don't think it's mind control either. What should I do? How do I break the ice? All I know is that between the red leather, whip, and lasso, I'm having trouble keeping my mind on my work whenever I have to deal with her. Sincerely: Frustrated Sidekick in Vibora Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major Tom Posted February 12, 2005 Report Share Posted February 12, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Welcome back, your Most Sinister Synthetic Intelligence. While your absence (and that of "Uncle Lou") from the boards was keenly felt in certain quarters, it did have a beneficial effect - at least here at the Space Academy. Apparently, the illicit imports of SSM issues into the Academy were the only thing keeping those Nosey Parker weasels of the Contraband Confiscation Unit in business, so when you and "Uncle Lou" vanished quicker than a Tribble in a Klingon transporter and the deliveries of SSM stopped, the rationale for their existence vanished as well, so the Academy top brass put the CCU on the unemployment line. With luck, you should be able to reestablish your customer base as well as picking up an entire class' worth of new subscribers in the process in a fair- ly short time. Looking forward to renewing my subscription, Major Tom , AKA Dirty Tom Rackham, Slave Driver and Pirate Scourge of the Spaceways Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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