A Robert E. Howard moment.....

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

True....bears thought. I still like my list though. Especially Professor Michael Kirowan. REH's horror stuff was top shelf, and every bit as good if not better then his Horses and Sorcery stuff.

 

~Rex

[Mister E]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Horcery, horsery, or horsorcery?

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Heh......Horses and Sorcery.....a subdivision of the Swords and Sorcery genre of Fantasy literature which is further divided before hand into about a bazillion other Mid-Genre's (high, low, gothic, etc etc etc .....) Horses and Sorcery is a polite way of saying, Gritty Badass Fantasy, as perpetrated by the likes of Robert E. Howard, Glenn Cook, Robert Adams, Fritz Lieber, and of course Clark Ashton Smith. A lot of the newer writers out there are liking to use the term a lot, in an attempt to balance out their works against the background of the likes of Robert E. Howard......

 

The term Horses and Sorcery of course, we all owe to this vision, of our good buddy Gath of Baal, courtesy of Frank Frazzetta. If Frank can't depict your Sorcery game with one of his paintings, you are playing, Smurfs, Adventures of the Poofy......

 

 

~Rex.....Even likes the Death Dealer books but those of course belong in another thread.

[Mister E]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Wait... when was Conan a slave? Or' date=' should I say... when did REH say Conan was a slave?[/quote']

 

El Ingenioso Bàrbaro Rey Konahn de Simaria :

http://www.thecimmerian.com/?p=3371

 

The film starts in the northern mountains of Brythunia. There, a tiny backwards village lies, far away from the rest of the world. The Simarians are a comfy folk living on the northern border, originally founded by a small community of luddites shunning the civilized wonders of Brythunia for a more “honest” rural life. Using distorted and piecemeal information gathered from drunk adventurers and senile folklorists, they model themselves after the Cimmerians, though their society leaves a lot to be desired in terms of accuracy. They worship Krumm, a mashup of Cimmerian and Nordic mythology whitewashed into a benevolent deity to suit their drippy ideals. Not actually knowing how to make proper swords, they use simple casting techniques to create attractive but impractical replicas: since they rarely meet other people, they never actually test their weapons in combat. This is the tribe of Konahn. Young Konahn has a happy childhood with his nice dad and hot mother, with no bandits or dangerous beasts to contend with, and no feudal lords to oppress them.

 

However, Konahn’s life is torn apart when the Riders of Thulsa Doom come. Thulsa Doom was originally Jamsh’el Jon, a Kushite scribe working for a minor Stygian priest, who started to get delusions of grandeur, and changed his name to that of the famed Thurian-era sorcerer. It wasn’t until he made a laughable attempt to usurp Thoth-Amon that he was banished, though the ineptitude of his actions were so amusing, Thoth-Amon let him live. He travels around the little kingdoms of the Corinthian Marches, where he joins up with Rexor and Thorgrim, and their band of “Vanir.” They are Gundermen, but a bit touched in the head, and pretend to be Vanir warriors — Rexor with a ludicrous triple axe, and Thorgrim with an infeasibly huge hammer. At some point, Doom discovers an ancient tome of great sorcerous power: he can barely understand most of it, but learns a few interesting parlour tricks like mesmerism, snake-charming and the illusion of turning into a snake. They try in vain to find communities to enslave using this power, but even the most tiny villages put up too much of a fight – until they learn of the Simarian village in the north.

 

Mother and father fight valiantly, but even their replica swords are not enough to fight against the LARPVanir’s slightly better made replicas. Father is killed by some mangy dogs, and Doom hypnotises Konahn’s mother before decapitating her in the first and last display of fighting prowess he ever achieves. Konahn and his fellow Simarian children are then taken to a mill way in the Corinthian Marches: ostensibly it’s a grain mill, but in fact it’s a great exercise in futility to break spirit and increase strength for heavy labour (Quite why the slavemaster didn’t take them to an actual grain mill to maximise profits is unknown, but likely due to his unholy crossbreeding between a Zamorian imbecile and a she-ape that escaped from a Hyrkanian circus). Fed on a high-protein diet, Konahn’s muscles and mass balloon, and he is bought for a local fight pit. Even though he has no combat training, the fighters he is pitted against are similarly unexperienced, and are even sorrier fighters than he is. Against such useless opponents, Konahn cannot help but rise through the ranks. He then is taken to “The Far East”… which turns out to be the Eastern side of the desolate northern Corinthian marches, trained by “War Masters,” a crowd of Khitanophile wargamers presenting themselves as experts. Eventually they release Konahn, not because he became too strong, but because they heard their father was coming and wouldn’t take kindly to their use of his lunas.

 

The Simarian spends about a day in the wilderness, though it seems more like a month to the the casual observer. Chased by wild dogs, he comes across the “Atlantean Tomb,” and finds the “Atlantean Sword”: not an actual tomb, it is the remnants of an old museum where history enthusiasts and their protesting families would go to see a display of an Acheronian King. Taking the tin sword, he meets a harlot whose trick is to pretend to be an evil witch, complete with fake fangs and shimmering firework effect, which is a popular fetish in the northern marches. He is told he will find Doom in Zamora — conveniently nearby. Soon he meets Subotai, a “Hyrkanian Archer” who is actually the result of a Turanian rake’s dalliance with a Zamorian dancing girl and thus has little actual Hyrkanian archery skill; and Valeria, a celebrity impersonator who turns up to parties as the famed Red Brotherhood she-pirate.

 

They soon come to the Chadizar, “city” of wickedness, a devious Zamorian noble’s attempt to divert trade from the much grander Shadizar via the confusion over the name. They learn about the Cult of Shet — not in any way affiliated with the Cult of Set –which was created by Thulsa Doom. After their slave trade failed when it emerged that for all their impressive musculature their slaves weren’t actually any use for extended labour, Doom and the LARPVanir abandon it. After a number of failed ventures, they construct a complicated and ingenious — for them — scam, promising spiritual enlightenment and happiness in exchange for worshippers’ lunas, goods and property. They are astonished to learn that it works, and soon they have hundreds of gullible idiots giving them all their possessions for empty words and fakery.

 

Soon, the Gang of Three infiltrate one of the cult’s strongholds, which is defended about as well as could be imagined for such a two-bit operation. Unfortunately, they come upon Doom’s pet snake, which he kept heavily sedated for his own safety. Somehow the half-comatose snake is a deadly threat to the three, and they are forced to kill it. They capture The Eye of the Serpent, a big piece of glass, and luckily enough the old nobleman they sell it to is as uneducated as they are in determining the value of jewelry, and he gives them an enormous sum in exchange. Eventually, they are caught by “King” Osric of Ophir, really a mad old coot whose Seneschal is a horse and whose High Constable is a sugar bowl, who managed to con himself into a modest mansion styled into a lavish castle. He tasks them with rescuing his “daughter,” really just a temple girl who caught his eye.

 

Konahn then meets Akiro, a Khitan scoundrel claiming to be a mighty wizard, who hides out at a demon-haunted set of mounds, since he is too stupid to know the danger of the place and far too confident in his powers. Soon he arrives at the Mountain of Power, a Zamorian tomb Doom happened upon, bringing his horde of empty-headed worshippers made even more empty-headed through drugs and suggestion. Konahn infiltrates the priesthood, only to be captured by Rexor and Thorgrim. After an embarrassing amount of torture and crying, Doom orders Konahn to be crucified on the Tree of Woe.

 

Dying from heat exhaustion, Konahn imagines he is being pecked at by a vulture, when in fact it is a crag martin, which he heroically decapitates with his teeth. Soon Subotai saves him, but it requires ludicrous magic and sacrifice to revive Konahn (which turns out to be smoke and mirrors by Akiro to make himself feel important.) The gang go to the Mountain of Power, and crash Doom’s orgiastic feast, just has he’s doing his “turn into a snake” routine. Thorgrim manages to collapse an ancient support column with a wayward tap, which he naturally attributes to his mighty hammer instead of the column’s state of repair. As they escape, Doom uses a hypnotised snake as an arrow to shoot Valeria. Continuing the mashup of Cimmerian/Nordic religion, Konahn burns Valeria on a pyre.

 

Doom and his cronies lead a small army of fellow Vanir enthusiasts — mostly men too stupid, sickly, ungainly or incompetent to serve in a real army — to steal back the girl. The four dispatch the army using a mix of rudimentary traps and the army’s own idiocy. Eventually, it is Rexor vs Konahn: Rexor is about to land the killing blow, when the reflection of Konahn’s replica Atlantean sword blinds him. Imagining Valeria returning to save him, Konahn is able to overcome the still half-blind Rexor, breaking his father’s poorly-made sword in the process, killing him. That night, Konahn comes to Doom. Doom attempts to hypnotise him, but Konahn is too stupid to be hypnotised, and cuts off Doom’s head with some difficulty. He hurls Doom’s head down the steps, and the Cult sheepishly starts to depart.

 

The epilogue shows a bearded Konahn seated on a throne, with Akiro’s dialogue. Then the camera zooms out a bit, and we find that Konahn is actually in a small cell in an asylum. King Conan and Publius peer through the small window. Publius remarks “It is indeed noble of you to grant asylum to such a poor deluded soul, sire! A lesser monarch would merely throw him into a dungeon to rule the rats and bones.” Conan replies “Well, can you blame him for abandoning his dull, bloodless reality and leaping into the delusion of kingship and glory? Let the man dream: what harm can he do? After all, no sane man could mistake the dotard in there for Conan the Cimmerian.”

 

But THAT… is another story!

 

DA DA DA DUN, DA-DA, DA, DA DA DA DUN, DA-DA, DA…

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Nice find there Mister E. We rank that, highly in the "It was good for a chuckle." ratings.

 

~Rex

[Mister E]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Nice find there Mister E. We rank that, highly in the "It was good for a chuckle." ratings.

 

~Rex

 

Yeah, it's choice, all right. "Jamsh’el Jon"...

 

I actually like the movie a whole lot. Watched it the other day. The director's cut is superior.

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Just wanted to point out, the Robert E. Howard collected material that's been popping up on the book store shelves in all the Barnes and Nobel's etc......Moves FAST. I actually had a long conversation at my local Barnes and Nobel, with a bunch of younger folk (2nd sign of getting old is when you refer to people half your age as young folk or kids, heh), that turned into a 25 person round robin pseudo book club meeting, heh, about Who REH was, the fact that he isn't some new guy, and just HOW MUCH, the man wrote in his brief time on the earth.

 

Maybe it's just because my background has always been book heavy, but I was a little shocked, that a lot of those kids thought that the Conan stuff STARTED with the Arnold movie, and went forward from there. A bunch didn't even know about the comics or the Magazine even, much less the novels, and the pastiche novels, and the differences between the re-edited format's and the original presentations and just how much of a difference that stuff makes in the actual presentation of the story. All in all it was a rather interesting experience.

 

And.....Sailor Steve Costigan was a BIG hit with the Navy kids that were there.

 

~Rex

[Susano]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Which is why I pre-order all of mine via Amazon. Don't wan't to run the risk of missing the latest volume.

[Captain Obvious]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

But that way you don't get to use your grognard powers to inspire the next generation....

[Susano]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

But that way you don't get to use your grognard powers to inspire the next generation....

 

The Borders near me is pretty dead with that regard. I actually don't go in it much any more.

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

For me it was worth it to hear a 14 year old kid tell his Mom that Solomon Kane was WAY cooler then Drizzit could EVER be and didn't need a pansie Cat Statue to do all his work for him. and told his little brother that the Puritan would "Kick the ever livin Crap out of Wolverine.."

 

Priceless.

 

~Rex

[Susano]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

For me it was worth it to hear a 14 year old kid tell his Mom that Solomon Kane was WAY cooler then Drizzit could EVER be and didn't need a pansie Cat Statue to do all his work for him. and told his little brother that the Puritan would "Kick the ever livin Crap out of Wolverine.."

 

Priceless.

 

~Rex

 

Not sure about the latter there... but Drizzle is scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to swords and sorcery heroes. Heck, the Justicar outclasses him in every way, and his books are a heck of a lot funnier!

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

The Justicar stuff is a better read for sure. As for Kane vs Wolverine ...... Solomon Kane radiates more cool and awesome and" Best there is at what he does" then Wolverine could scrape together out of his entire comics run, and THAT'S, just standing there in a dark corner of the room, adjusting his hat. Besides. Wolverine would not be the first "Thing that heals itself, is nigh indestructible, and has claws" That Kane has put down.

 

~Rex

[Susano]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

The Justicar stuff is a better read for sure. As for Kane vs Wolverine ...... Solomon Kane radiates more cool and awesome and" Best there is at what he does" then Wolverine could scrape together out of his entire comics run, and THAT'S, just standing there in a dark corner of the room, adjusting his hat. Besides. Wolverine would not be the first "Thing that heals itself, is nigh indestructible, and has claws" That Kane has put down.

 

~Rex

 

The problem is that it's apples and oranges. Solomon Kane is a top-notch pulp hero who's an (in)famous swordsman from the 16th-17th century. Wolverine is an over-done Bronze/Iron-age super-hero from the 20th-21st. At one point I liked Logan... until Marvel decided he was their cash cow and stuck him in everything... the writers decided to give the fanboys what they wanted and had Wolverine reach a power level (and body count) that was just stupid.

 

And, if you really get down to it... based on what either side has been shown to do, in their respective titles, Solomon Kane looses.

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Just saying. Kane, has killed the unkillable far many more times then Wolverine every has. Come to think of it, Kane, has strangled an intangible Ghost. Wolverine, can't even beat his own kid.

 

~Rex

[Burrito Boy]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Just wanted to point out, the Robert E. Howard collected material that's been popping up on the book store shelves in all the Barnes and Nobel's etc......Moves FAST. I actually had a long conversation at my local Barnes and Nobel, with a bunch of younger folk (2nd sign of getting old is when you refer to people half your age as young folk or kids, heh), that turned into a 25 person round robin pseudo book club meeting, heh, about Who REH was, the fact that he isn't some new guy, and just HOW MUCH, the man wrote in his brief time on the earth.

 

Maybe it's just because my background has always been book heavy, but I was a little shocked, that a lot of those kids thought that the Conan stuff STARTED with the Arnold movie, and went forward from there. A bunch didn't even know about the comics or the Magazine even, much less the novels, and the pastiche novels, and the differences between the re-edited format's and the original presentations and just how much of a difference that stuff makes in the actual presentation of the story. All in all it was a rather interesting experience.

 

And.....Sailor Steve Costigan was a BIG hit with the Navy kids that were there.

 

~Rex

 

Kids these days.

 

 

For me it was worth it to hear a 14 year old kid tell his Mom that Solomon Kane was WAY cooler then Drizzit could EVER be and didn't need a pansie Cat Statue to do all his work for him. and told his little brother that the Puritan would "Kick the ever livin Crap out of Wolverine.."

 

Priceless.

 

~Rex

 

Then again, there may be hope.

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

There's always hope right? At least so long as the book gets a reprint, heh.

 

~Rex

[DusterBoy]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

What's this about Drizzt and a cat statue?

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

We try and ignore such, pale fanboyish creations in a cool REH thread.

 

~Rex

[Burrito Boy]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

We try and ignore such, pale fanboyish creations in a cool REH thread.

 

~Rex

 

You tell him!

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

I've always considered R.A. Salvatore to be a perfectly acceptable entry level Fantasy Writer. But REH.....could spin out more story in a short prose, then what Salvatore could construe in 6 books.

 

~Rex

[Susano]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

The one R.A. Salvatore I've read I felt to be utter crap, so I pretty much have discounted him as someone worth mentioning.

 

Paul Kidd on the other hand....

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Paul Kidd is good stuff .......As for Salvatore, I admit to actually having enjoyed the first Crystal Shard book, then, it all went to crap after that, and even though I found the first book amusing and somewhat entertaining, I would hesitate to call it good. It just reminded me of a DnD game for the most part during a time I couldn't get anything resembling any Role Playing game together.

 

~Rex

[Drhoz]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

Paul Kidd is good stuff .......As for Salvatore' date=' I admit to actually having enjoyed the first Crystal Shard book, then, it all went to crap after that, and even though I found the first book amusing and somewhat entertaining, I would hesitate to call it good. It just reminded me of a DnD game for the most part during a time I couldn't get anything resembling any Role Playing game together.[/quote']

 

As I understand it Kidd's ending to Queen of the Demonweb Pits enraged the Dark Elf & Salvatore fans, because it became canon... which implies that the rest of it was too

 

But yes, Kidd is good stuff. Fun and silly and epic and characterful.

[RexMundi]

Re: A Robert E. Howard moment.....

 

And that's a key component. Well Components. Fun, Epic, Characterful. Something sorely lacking in the majority of schlock writers today. You'll notice, even with the bland 2d DnD Fantasy, in order to regenerate interest, they've gone two directions. 1. Reprint the Old Good Stuff. The Dark Sun novels for instance, and 2. Hire Writers like Beyers to write NEW stuff (His Red Wizards stuff was top notch)....

 

So that good old fashioned Great Fantasy style is still around. Unfortunently, it gets buried in the fanboy drek, and a word of thanks always needs to be sent out to the publishing houses for continuing the great works of REH and others so we don't Lose that material in the morass of Necroporn and Fantasaporn (He at least when Playboy published the old War of the Powers Stuff the Fantasaporn was Great Fantasy as well....).....

 

~Rex