Ockham's Spoon

Actually heard this on NPR
 
How accurate is economic forecasting?  Let's just say that some people argue that economic forecasting makes astrology look respectable.

I checked through a few editions, and the qualifier that Universal Translator only enables one to speak or write a language "crudely" seems to appear in 5th edition. 4th edition version just says that, yeah, you can speak, read and write any language you encounter. (With a few qualifiers such as physical ability to "speak" in the mode presented). So one solution is just to use 4th edition. (I'm not checking previous editions.)
 
OK, so you're stuck with a particular edition and you don't want to say the Rules As Written for that edition are pointlessly limiting. Steve Long gave another way out in 5e by deriving Talents from standard Powers and Skills. Officially, Universal Translator consists of two Detects: Detect Meaning of Speech [10 points] + Detect Meaning of Text [10 points]. Except thi9s is wrong. BY RAW, a basic Detect only registers the presence and intensity of some object or quality. Detect Meaning of Speech will only tell you that yup, that's speech and it has more or less meaning. You need Discriminatory, at the very least. And you would also need Transmit in order to speak back.
 
So let's "correct" the derivation, while conserving the final cost, by treating it this way: Detect Meaning of Speech (3 points -- pretty specialized), Discriminatory (+5 points), Transmit (+2 points); + Detect Meaning of Text (3 points), Descriminatory (+5 points), Transmit (+2 points). Though by RAW you could reduce the cost to 15, because you can add a second class of entity to a Detect for a flat +5 points without needing to re-purchase all the added modifiers.
 
To Detect and Transmit the finer shades of meaning implied by true mastery of a language, add Analyze. For the verion of UT that conserves existing point values that pushes the final cost to 30 points. Using the two-categories hack, the final cost drops back to 20 points.
 
You'll still have to make a PER Roll to comprehend or communicate in the language, but getting a better roll for this single Enhanced Sense costs only 1 point per +1. Buy +3 and I think it's fair to say you'now effectively have 4 points of fluency in any language you enounter.
 
If you're *really* persnickety, add +2 points for "Sense", so you can use it without needing a half-Phase action. But I think you can bring the whole thing in at 25 points.
 
Dean Shomshak

Take-your-child-to-work-day, and everyone is mingling and have a nice time until my 5-year-old pipes up "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"

The contestants may struggle at first, but I think eventually they'll come around. 

With the writers' strike going, we may end up with a lot of unscripted reality TV.  Here's a pitch for a new reality TV show:
A show in the vein of The Amazing Race in which Flat Earthers try to travel to the edge of the world

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Pass it on.

If I don't recognize it, I answer it as fast as possible, with a vaguely-mechanical, incorrectly-inflected pseudo computer generated tenor:
 
"Thank you for waiting.  We are experiencing higher-than-normal call volume.   Your call is very important to us.  Please, stand by....."
 
If they don't hang up before I finish, I repeat it every fifteen seconds until they do.
 
It's the little things that bring me joy, really.
 
 
 

A man and his dog walk into a bar in New York.
The bartender tells the man, he can stay but the dog has to go. Man says that his dog can talk and should be allowed to stay.
"Okay, if the dog can really talk, prove it."
The man turns to his dog and says "What is on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog.
"And how would you describe sandpaper?" the man asks.
"Rough!"  says the dog.
"And who was the greatest baseball player ever?" the man asks.
"Ruth!" says the dog.
The bartender has had enough of their BS and throws both the man and dog out of the bar onto the street.
The dog turns to the man, lying on the street, and says “Dimaggio maybe?”

Flight attendant: "Coffee or tea?"
 
Me: "Herbal tea. Chamomile, if you have it."
 
Flight attendant: "Wrong. It's coffee." 

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 

At least 20 years.

Quote from a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park on why it is hard to design a garbage bin that the bears can't break into:
 
"There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."