Ockham's Spoon

It would explain why we never saw anything outside the bar.

A man was having an affair with his secretary when they fell asleep at her home one night. They didn't wake up until about 8:00. As he slipped into his clothes, he asked his mistress to take his shoes outside and drag them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she did as he asked. He thanked her, kissed her good night, and drove home.
 
When the man arrived home, his wife was livid. "Where have you been all this time?" she demanded.
 
He said, "Okay, I'll tell you the truth. My secretary and I have been having an affair. I was over at her house, and we fell asleep."
 
His wife took one look at his shoes and yelled, "Liar! You've been playing golf, haven't you?"

"Coward" should really mean "to move in the direction of a cow"

My friend said, "My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"

Me: Cats. Cats love fish.

ROBBER: Everybody lie down!

ME: [exhausted] Oh, thank god!
 

Husband: I saw a garbage disposal that's rated for bones.

Me: Like, what kind? Finger, femur… there's a big difference.
 
Him:
 
Him: …or chicken.
 
Me: Ohhh… that's probably what they mean.

Him: *stares*

Me: This is probably a "there's two kinds of people" moment.

Who says characteristics are 8 across the board? I always assumed 10 aqcross the board since 1981, and I disregard 6e, because I don't use it. I do like Christopher R. Taylor's use of STR mins to be able to apply extra DC's with. That's a rather elegant solution. I have seen a lot of 6 foot _ spears being used with round shields, one handed (and thn two handed, as the fighting was quite dynamic).  
 
 

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, then it could probably use a little more time in the microwave.

Recently had a conversation about inherently 'evil' races likes orcs, and the topic has certainly popped up on these boards, so this seemed apropos:
 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."
The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

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