Ockham's Spoon

A traveling salesman walks up the driveway and knocks on the door.
After a while the door opens and a little boy, about 9, stands with a glass of whisky in one hand and a cigar in the other.
The salesman says “Oh, hi. is you mommy or daddy home?”
Little boy looks at his whisky and his cigar and says, “Does it look like it?”

My doctor tells me that there are health risks associated with cured meats, but I'm not sure I believe that.  I mean, they have to be better for me than diseased meats.

My doctor tells me that there are health risks associated with cured meats, but I'm not sure I believe that.  I mean, they have to be better for me than diseased meats.

It is sad that China is taking back the pandas from the Washington DC zoo, but you have to think the pandas will be glad to get out of DC before the 2024 presidential election really heats up.

It is sad that China is taking back the pandas from the Washington DC zoo, but you have to think the pandas will be glad to get out of DC before the 2024 presidential election really heats up.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."
 
Great saying for perspective in life.
 
Horrible way to find out you were adopted. 

A cop is driving around in his police cruiser one afternoon, when he sees a car up ahead that's going significantly slower than the rest of the traffic. Other drivers are swerving around them, honking their horns, and swearing.
Realizing that this was a terrible hazard for everyone involved, he gets behind the slow driver, and flips on his lights.
The driver immediately pulls over, and the cop walks up to the window, and discovers that the driver is a little white-haired old woman. He looks further into the car and sees three more small elderly female passengers.
He asks the usual, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No, sir. I don't.”
“Mam, you were only going 25 miles an hour.”
“But I thought that was the speed limit!” , she points to a large black and white road sign not far away.
The officer just chuckles a bit, shakes his head, and says, “Mam…that's not a speed limit sign, you are on ROUTE 25.” They both have a good laugh. He takes one last look around the car before he leaves, and notices the other old ladies are all wide eyed and terrified. “Mam, are they okay?”
“Oh, they'll be fine. We just got off of route 125!”

Pro tip: Don't try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

Pro tip: Don't try to catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

Three of my favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Two nuns are in a car when the Devil jumps on the front of their vehicle. Sister Mary, alarmed by this, brings the car to a stop. She turns to Sister Bernadette and says,
“Quickly sister, show him your cross!”
Sister Bernadette leans her head out of the window and screams,
“Oy! Get off our f**king car!”

Far Side collection -- Hell

Two hillbillies were in a diner one day when a young lady at the next table started having some difficulty.
 
"Looks ta me like she's chokin'," the first hillbilly said. "Are ya chokin', miss?" She nodded her head "Yes". 
 
"Kin ya breathe?" the other hillbilly asked. She shook her head "No". He turned to his friend and said, "She says she cain't breathe."
 
Then the first hillbilly calmly stood up, walked around behind the young lady, pulled down her pants, and licked her right butt cheek with his tongue. She was so shocked that she experienced a spasm that dislodged the food from her throat. The hillbilly pulled her pants back up and returned to his table.
 
Then the second hillbilly said, "Ya know, I done heard about that there Hind-Lick Maneuver before, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."