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NGD Scenes from a Hat


Hermit

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NT: Subtle signs your child's high school Civics teacher is out of her mind.

Her references to the Pull My Finger Party, Trial by Wombat, her traditional Thanksgiving turkey with ballot box stuffing, the emancipation of glaives, Benedict Arnold Cumberbatch, that the crime is called treason when trees do it and arson when a***s do it, that the French and Indian War ended in 1769 with a compromise massive 69-fest in Bangalore (hence that meaning of "69") and unending testimonials about how John Blutarsky was America's greatest statesman of the Twentieth Century.

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Oliver Cromwell, Magneto, Brainiac, and Rat Fink take down Charles II, Dr. Strange, Little Lotta, and the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers at Worcester, drowning most of them in a vat of Worcestershire sauce.

 

NT: Really, really bad choices for the opening theme music for your next favorite superhero movie.

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NT: Really, really bad choices for the opening theme music for your next favorite superhero movie.

 

"Poisoning Pigeons In The Park" by Tom Lehrer.

 

 

New Topic: Fun things to do with pigeons besides poisoning them. (Difficulty: Nothing fatal.)

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  • 2 weeks later...

New Topic: Fun things to do with pigeons besides poisoning them. (Difficulty: Nothing fatal.)

Take them for all they're worth like the master con artist you are.

 

NT: Subtle signs trying to con Old Widow McGillicudy out of her life's savings was not the smartest thing you have ever done in your criminal career.

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NT: Subtle signs trying to con Old Widow McGillicudy out of her life's savings was not the smartest thing you have ever done in your criminal career.

 

You come to realize, just half a second too late, that Old Widow McGillucudy's considerable life savings was earned in the firearms and munitions market.  :bmk:

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NT: Subtle signs trying to con Old Widow McGillicudy out of her life's savings was not the smartest thing you have ever done in your criminal career.

Old Widow McGillicudy's sons are called Razor Face, The Axe Man, and Double Nitro. And the other two are still serving time.

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NT: Subtle signs trying to con Old Widow McGillicudy out of her life's savings was not the smartest thing you have ever done in your criminal career.

 

Her life's savings amount to a pair of "granny panties", a wad of pre-chewed bubble-gum, and a Justin Bieber CD.

 

NT:  What actually happened to Old Widow McGillicudy's late husband?

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NT:  What actually happened to Old Widow McGillicudy's late husband?

 

He was pressed into service aboard a pirate ship, eventually rising to the rank of first mate.  He then took over the ship and became extremely wealthy.  He's been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia.

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NT: Other problems the widow of the Lord of Moria has.

 

Heating bills. Seriously, do you have any idea how expensive it is to heat a cave that size?

 

New Topic:  Arthur and Ford have just triggered the Infinite Improbability Drive, and against all adds, have ended up in another book.  Hijinks naturally ensued. Describe where they are and what happened.   

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New Topic:  Arthur and Ford have just triggered the Infinite Improbability Drive, and against all adds, have ended up in another book.  Hijinks naturally ensued. Describe where they are and what happened.

Fifty Shades of Gandalf the Grey

 

With a Balrog.

 

:angst:

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New Topic:  Arthur and Ford have just triggered the Infinite Improbability Drive, and against all adds, have ended up in another book.  Hijinks naturally ensued. Describe where they are and what happened.   

Unexpectedly, giving Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters to Great A'Tuin (the Giant Star Turtle) turns out to be a very bad idea.

 

A VERY bad idea....

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New Topic:  Arthur and Ford have just triggered the Infinite Improbability Drive, and against all adds, have ended up in another book.  Hijinks naturally ensued. Describe where they are and what happened.

The title is Caco Phony...

 

... in which they find themselves emcee'ing the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest. In the final round, the entry from Andorra, a ménage à trois of two rabid were-gerbils and a vampiric transgendered Pyrenean desman, seem to have garnered the crowd support to win the title, when four inhuman armies teleport onto the scene to destroy all of Earth: the Daleks, the Borg, the Trisolians, and the Hollywood motion picture establishment.

 

The invaders begin by consuming the panel of celebrity judges, but the revolting carnage made by the Hollywooders is so hideous that Marvin the Paranoid Android leaps to the fore, and pours out an impassioned monologue that unites the other three invading races into a campaign to destroy the movie establishment down to the last quark of subsentient dreck. The Master of Hollywood, a vast amorphous thing resembling the love-child of Dick Cheney and Kim Jong Un permanently locked in the throes of suffering a burning bowel movement, manifests and energizes his mind-deadening minion hordes into fighting back with infinite quantities of the distillation of insipid brain death. The battle is excessively long, visually spectacular, unspeakably self-indulgent, and profoundly pointless, as befits a co-production by James Cameron, George Lucas, and Peter Jackson. Ultimately, the alien invaders win by luring the film people into the Sarlacc's gullet, enticing them into following steaming trails of rancid jackal vomit, screenplay concepts clearly derived from 1950s TV sitcoms, and three-dollar bills. When the extermination is complete, the conquerors reflect on the planet that gave rise to Hollywood in the first place and recoil in horror, realizing that even greater degeneracy looms nearby (those Andorrans are lookin' pretty tough). Off they go into another dimension, where they all ultimately become three more all-graphics-no-substance NPC races in Borderlands 2. Douglas Adams being safely dead, he gets to bask safely dead in the light of victory and has a valid reason to avoid responding to allegations of sexual harassment episodes that happened between 2006 and 2014.

 

NT: More signs Cancer really needs to have his medication adjusted.

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