QUARK Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! (busy week, time to do some catch-up) Greetings great and dishonourable Q.U.A.R.K. It is with great humility that I address you. Meddling superheroes destroyed my VIPER base and the Council of Thirty (Those miserable dogs) have sent it's assassins to silence me. How do I recover my lost honour? How do I reconcile with the Serpent? Humblly yours The Sinister Samurai Dear Sinister Samurai, Your best chance to get back in good standing with His Scaliness is to track down the supermeddler who has been the biggest thorn in VIPER's side and bring them in- dead or alive, whichever is the most practical. But don't just go gunning for the dogooder unprepared; dig up as much as you can on their strengths and weakness and put together a solid plan of action. Bad probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Felicitations, my good Q.U.A.R.K. : As a soon-to-be world conqueror of refinement and impeccable breeding, I find myself faced with an intolerable affront to my dignity which I would be grateful (and generous) for your help in eliminating. The recent culmination of a three year project by my team of hired, and frankly woefully overpriced scientists, was the successful bestowal of great superpowers upon myself, specifically the power to transform into a mighty being of solidified ionic energy. While this energy form has proven to be as capable as I was promised, its destructive power is such that to safely handle mundane items, not to mention articulate commands (my energy form is mute), I must resume human form. I was understandably offended to discover that the process of transformation completely atomizes any garments I may be wearing, which do not reintegrate when I resume my human shape. This is of course an unacceptable humiliation to a man of manners. The inept techno-cretins I hired were unable to correct the problem or to devise any material that could withstand the transformation, and so of course are now small piles of ash in the dustbin outside my headquarters. (An outcome you would be wise to remember.) I come to you now to request your assistance in devising a solution to my condition, or a stratagem by which I may avoid compromising my dignity in the eyes of my enemies and underlings. Your compensation shall be commeasurate with your success, or your failure. Awaiting your response, I remain Yours Sovereignly, Baron Ion Dear Esteemed Baron Ion, I know of several underworld costumers who specialize in cliental whose powers have drawbacks similar to those you discribed. Contact information is being sent to you as you read this and I can assure you they will be able to resolve your problem. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K., I am a fairly experienced super-henchman. I use my massive strength to bust open bank vaults and punch heros into orbit for my employers. It's fun work and the pay is nice. My problem is this: a girl. I like this spooky ghost-controlling super-babe who wears nothing but leather. everytime I see her I drop a wall on my foot. But I am sure she only sees me as a "dumb brick'. I have a post-graduate degree in ornitholgy but because I can throw an aircraft carrier across the Hudson, everyone thinks I am an idiot. What can I do? Thanks, Mad Angus MacCray Dear Mad Angus, The female of the species very often has that effect on the male (if it wouldn't get me in trouble with HR, there's this cutie in Customer Service with a nice set of chips who...er, nevermind). If you get the chance to meet her outside work, you should be be able to win her over if you just be yourself. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Quark - I've recently completed my on-line degree in "Completely Unlikely Nuclear Physics". With the job market being the way it is, I've had to take a part-time job within an established firm. Just last week I was working day-shift when the do-gooders ran in. Most of my co-workers ran screaming, but I was grabbed by my section leader and told to man the self-destruct system. How can I, the smartest person ever to step foot in the door, be expected to sacrifice myself for my no-neck, butt-licking supervisor? James Pedeaston, Super Genius Dear Mr. Pedeaston, It sucks being a working stiff (take it from my second cousin, who worked as a sewage overflow management system ). If you can't start a profitable business of your own using your degree, consider selling prepaid legal insurance. It's a service in huge demand and you can rake in a ton of cash from each client (especially those involved in supercrime). I've kept a comfortable lifestyle despite my recent demotion by selling policies on the side, and I highly recommend you give it a try. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 Re: I need advice... Dear Q.U.A.R.K. Hi. I'm a hero in the local "hero scene" - but, well, there's this girl that I like. She, uh, well, she's intelligent, charming, witty, beautiful, witty... and it turns out we have alot in common. She's also horribly evil. But, well, I can't stop thinking about her. And I don't think it's mind control either. What should I do? How do I break the ice? All I know is that between the red leather, whip, and lasso, I'm having trouble keeping my mind on my work whenever I have to deal with her. Sincerely: Frustrated Sidekick in Vibora Dear Frustrated, Your best course of action is to turn to the darkside. Not only will you have a better shot at scoring with that hot little vixen, I can assure you you'll have alot more fun being a villain. I look forward to seeing you at this year's Baddest Of The Bad Beach Brawl. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QUARK Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Welcome back, your Most Sinister Synthetic Intelligence. While your absence (and that of "Uncle Lou") from the boards was keenly felt in certain quarters, it did have a beneficial effect - at least here at the Space Academy. Apparently, the illicit imports of SSM issues into the Academy were the only thing keeping those Nosey Parker weasels of the Contraband Confiscation Unit in business, so when you and "Uncle Lou" vanished quicker than a Tribble in a Klingon transporter and the deliveries of SSM stopped, the rationale for their existence vanished as well, so the Academy top brass put the CCU on the unemployment line. With luck, you should be able to reestablish your customer base as well as picking up an entire class' worth of new subscribers in the process in a fair- ly short time. Looking forward to renewing my subscription, Major Tom , AKA Dirty Tom Rackham, Slave Driver and Pirate Scourge of the Spaceways Dear Major Tom, With the timely return of Uncle Lou, the free flow of contraband goodies into the Academy should start anew very soon. Happy to hear you're renewing, don't miss the excussive fold out of Viperia in this year's swimsuit issue. Bad Probability, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Funksaw Posted February 14, 2005 Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! I don't know. Your advice intrigues me, but, well, I'm just not evil by nature. And, well, the truth is, I wouldn't know how to start being evil. What if being evil doesn't work out? Worse, what if it doesn't work out and she's not interested in me at all? Also - uh... if she leaves perfume scented clues for you to follow, is that flirting or trying to lure me into a deathtrap? Is trying to lure someone into a deathtrap a kind of flirting? Frustrated in Vibora Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torch Posted February 14, 2005 Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Burning, I recommend you think twice about applying open flame to the likes of Moore and Falwell unless a) you and your boyfriend can withstand the massive explosion that will result and there are atleast two elite teams of superheroes within the blast radius. As for your steamy romance (pun intentional), an asbestos suit for him is your best bet. Bad Probability, QUARK: I was busy kidnapping Versace and "encouraging" him to design my new gown for the celebrity roast. This was a lot of fun. Note to self: look into possibility of a haute couterrorist sideline. Unfortunately, I was so intrigued by fashion that I failed to read your advice until after the roast. The resulting fireball warmed the cockles of my ... well, it warmed a lot of cockles come to think of it. Luckily, Cool Ice monitors your advice column and had his asbestos suit. By the way ... WHAT KIND OF ADVICE IS THAT? I realize you're not a biologic, but let me tell you that an ASBESTOS SUIT puts a real damper on romance. Sheesh. Sorry for yelling. I have it out of my system now. Cool Ice is a wuss. If he can't take the heat .... So I'm looking for a new flame. How does a scantily clad supervillianess go about these things? Ishta V'han doesn't seem to have these problems. I intend to corrupt some goody goody (but not tooo good) hero type. They tend to wash more and have the requisite number of body parts. The corruption needs to be subtle. So subtle that he doesn't realize the path he's on until it's too late and he's thoroughly tainted. I'm sure your working relationship with Uncle Lou has given you insight into the procedure. By the way, that hot air based explosion was something! Can you recommend two more catalysts for a repeat? Steamed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steriaca Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! To The Extemed Mr. Q.U.A.R.K., From the Desk Of Mister Reginal Wicked, Dear Mr. Q.U.A.R.K., I have been on the look out for kidnaping vareous superpowered heroiens. There are a few witch have caught my eye. But I do have a problem. It is with my motive of operations. Since I use the theam of "silent movie melodrama villian", I am haveing a hard time thinking up deathtraps beyond the lumber saw and train tracks. And thoes will not work when my chosen victoms can bounce bullets off there skin. What deathtraps do you recomend which would still fit well with my motive of operation? Your fiendish friend, Mr. Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper. P.S: If anyone needs any normal females for vareous evil things, contact me. I have a whearhouse full, and I can't buzzsaw them all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major Tom Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! I don't know. Your advice intrigues me, but, well, I'm just not evil by nature. And, well, the truth is, I wouldn't know how to start being evil. What if being evil doesn't work out? Worse, what if it doesn't work out and she's not interested in me at all? Also - uh... if she leaves perfume scented clues for you to follow, is that flirting or trying to lure me into a deathtrap? Is trying to lure someone into a deathtrap a kind of flirting? Frustrated in Vibora About the deathtrap bit: I'd say yeah, that's a form of flirting -- just look at how often Catwoman managed to get Batman and the Boy Blunder into one of her deathtraps (and that in spite of the fact that she had a serious case of the hots for him). As to the first part of your post, while I don't know what QUARK would suggest, my advice to you would be to start out as slowly and as inconspicously as possible. A good way to start would be to check out the local businesses that specialize in leather attire and certain other, ah, "accoutrements". If your nosy teammates should ask you about your purchases, you can always tell them that you're preparing for an undercover job (which would be true, for the most part, and you'd really be messing with the mind of any mental- ist on your team) and that you have to dress the part. Once that hurdle's been jumped, the next step would be to somehow arrange an encounter with the girl of your dreams, and see where things go from there. Major Tom Evil Advice Contributor Wanna-Be Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major Tom Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Major Tom, With the timely return of Uncle Lou, the free flow of contraband goodies into the Academy should start anew very soon. Happy to hear you're renewing, don't miss the excussive fold out of Viperia in this year's swimsuit issue. Bad Probability, Just as long as it's not another fake issue like the one featuring a certain self- made albino. I still have nightmares about that one... Major Tom P.S.: Is the word in your last sentence supposed to be "exclusive" or "excess- ive" with regards to the upcoming fold-out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caris Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Greeting Q.U.A.R.K., I would like to discuss a business proposition with you. I am fascinated by artificial life forms such as yourself. In particular I'm wanting to research how a being such as yourself interact with Necromantic magic such as my own. Would you be willing to replicate your code (minus any "memories" you may have) into a media that I could upload to an isolated computer system to experiment on. I'd be willing to share the fruits of my research with you. In particular, I'd be willing to create a charm that would allow you to transfer your essence into and out of a host body for those times when you would like to experience the joys of the flesh or you would find such a body useful. Respectfully yours, Caris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 18, 2005 Report Share Posted February 18, 2005 Hiya QUARK-dude... I perchanced into a spaceport bar lately, and set something I recently found up on the bar to contemplate its workings... It's a half-meter long, 40kg, 6-barreled rotary-firing autocannon... Anyway, the bartender got all upset with me... I explained that it wasn't loaded, but she still made me take it away, because it wan't in a holster... The next day, after going through the anguish of getting a custom holster for it, I went back, and she made me take it away again, even through it was in a holster like she said she wanted the day before...!!! What can I do to get revenge...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major Tom Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! To The Extemed Mr. Q.U.A.R.K., From the Desk Of Mister Reginal Wicked, Dear Mr. Q.U.A.R.K., I have been on the look out for kidnaping vareous superpowered heroiens. There are a few witch have caught my eye. But I do have a problem. It is with my motive of operations. Since I use the theam of "silent movie melodrama villian", I am haveing a hard time thinking up deathtraps beyond the lumber saw and train tracks. And thoes will not work when my chosen victoms can bounce bullets off there skin. What deathtraps do you recomend which would still fit well with my motive of operation? Your fiendish friend, Mr. Wicked, Profesinal Kidnaper. P.S: If anyone needs any normal females for vareous evil things, contact me. I have a whearhouse full, and I can't buzzsaw them all. Mr. Wicked: With regards to your deathtrap dilemma, I have the following sug- gestion for you. If by any chance you can count amongst your circle of friends any mad inventors or weaponsmiths, try contracting one of them to build an improved buzzsaw deathtrap for you -- one made entirely out of Adamantium (or, if said inventor/weaponsmith is really good, Neutronium). Your victim might be able to bounce bullets off her skin, but let's just see her try to bounce an indestructible sawblade off her hide (heh-heh-heh)! Now, about that warehouse inventory problem of yours, it just so happens I know of a couple of Orion slave traders who would be more than happy to take it off your hands -- for an eminently fair price, of course (not to mention my "finder's fee"). From what I understand, they're trying to get into the "exotic import" business, if you take my meaning. Major Tom Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Funksaw Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: Hiya QUARK-dude... I perchanced into a spaceport bar lately, and set something I recently found up on the bar to contemplate its workings... It's a half-meter long, 40kg, 6-barreled rotary-firing autocannon... Anyway, the bartender got all upset with me... I explained that it wasn't loaded, but she still made me take it away, because it wan't in a holster... The next day, after going through the anguish of getting a custom holster for it, I went back, and she made me take it away again, even through it was in a holster like she said she wanted the day before...!!! What can I do to get revenge...? Forbid her to drink in your gun shop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: Hiya QUARK-dude... Forbid her to drink in your gun shop? But I don't *have* a gun shop... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: Hiya QUARK-dude... But I don't *have* a gun shop... Would "Shoot her with the autocannon" be too obvious? Or is there some reason you can't do that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: Hiya QUARK-dude... Would "Shoot her with the autocannon" be too obvious? Or is there some reason you can't do that? But I don't have ammo for the autocannon, just the autocannon... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Funksaw Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: Hiya QUARK-dude... But I don't have ammo for the autocannon' date=' just the autocannon...[/quote'] If you owned a gunshop, you wouldn't have this problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steriaca Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Mr. Wicked: With regards to your deathtrap dilemma, I have the following sug- gestion for you. If by any chance you can count amongst your circle of friends any mad inventors or weaponsmiths, try contracting one of them to build an improved buzzsaw deathtrap for you -- one made entirely out of Adamantium (or, if said inventor/weaponsmith is really good, Neutronium). Your victim might be able to bounce bullets off her skin, but let's just see her try to bounce an indestructible sawblade off her hide (heh-heh-heh)! Now, about that warehouse inventory problem of yours, it just so happens I know of a couple of Orion slave traders who would be more than happy to take it off your hands -- for an eminently fair price, of course (not to mention my "finder's fee"). From what I understand, they're trying to get into the "exotic import" business, if you take my meaning. Major Tom Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large To Major Tom, From Mr. Reginal Wicked. Dear Major Tom, I aprecate the offer of clearing my wairhouse. I have to be extremly cairful, since during my last buisness transaction over in Hudson City, I atracted the atention of one Hairbringer, who happened to reduce my henchman workforce by a third. As for the specality buzzsaw, unforcently the only mad scientist I know of is a certan mad tinker oven in Milimimum City, and even thoe I have relocated there since what happened in Hudson, I have yet to make contacts with the local underworld. Prehaps the clasic flooding room would do the trick. There is no real mess, and most superheroiens still need to breath. All I need now is to find a good hairstylest and 18th centery style dress for her to wear once I aduct her. Yours truly, Mr. Reginal Wicked, profesinal kidnaper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steriaca Posted February 19, 2005 Report Share Posted February 19, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Dear Q.U.A.R.K., I am not what you consider a villian. I am an extradimentinal travler, who just hapens to be passing by in your part of the multiverse. My problem is, whenever I take control of the local sentient beings in order to build the device I need to cross the dimentinal devide, the mystic protectors of this dimention always shows up and forces me off the planet. Don't thay know I mean them no harm? I would build the device myself, but I lack the arms. Signed, On Behaps Of The Great Eye, A Thral Of The Great Eye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major Tom Posted February 20, 2005 Report Share Posted February 20, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! To Major Tom, From Mr. Reginal Wicked. Dear Major Tom, I aprecate the offer of clearing my wairhouse. I have to be extremly cairful, since during my last buisness transaction over in Hudson City, I atracted the atention of one Hairbringer, who happened to reduce my henchman workforce by a third. As for the specality buzzsaw, unforcently the only mad scientist I know of is a certan mad tinker oven in Milimimum City, and even thoe I have relocated there since what happened in Hudson, I have yet to make contacts with the local underworld. Prehaps the clasic flooding room would do the trick. There is no real mess, and most superheroiens still need to breath. All I need now is to find a good hairstylest and 18th centery style dress for her to wear once I aduct her. Yours truly, Mr. Reginal Wicked, profesinal kidnaper. Mr. Wicked: I know what you mean about the Harbinger. Talk about your really serious party poopers... One of my professional aquaintances, a fellow named Richaal, told me about a recent incident in which some of his men (considering where he and his crew are from, I use the word "men" rather loosely, if you know what I mean) were visiting Hudson City to find some "volunteers" for the good Captain's "compulsory servitude" program, and had the misfortune to run into the Harbinger. In spite of having the advantage in both numbers and fire- power, the Harbinger still managed to frag them faster than you could say "Mack Bolan". Let me tell you, Uncle Sam's MIBs had one hellacious time covering up the "out-of-town" nature of Captain Richaal's employees. Needless to say, Hudson City tops my list of places I don't want to be found in (alive or dead). Now, about your flooding room idea, let me say that it's not a bad idea, and you're right about most superheroines needing to breathe. Just remember: you don't necessarily need to use water in that particular deathtrap. As a certain white-faced Clown Prince of Crime once demonstrated, you can "drown" some- one in gas just as easily. The only drawback to using either gas or water is that your victim might not have to breathe at all. If you're feeling particularly mean-spirited, though, you could always use uranium hexaflouride gas. That stuff'll eat through anything (except Nickel, Adamantium, or Neutronium). Major Tom Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large P.S.: Don't you mean the 19th Century? You are a Victorian-era themed professional kidnapper, aren't you?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 20, 2005 Report Share Posted February 20, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! If you're feeling particularly mean-spirited' date=' though, you could always use uranium hexaflouride gas. That stuff'll eat through [i']anything[/i] (except Nickel, Adamantium, or Neutronium). Wot about Interwoven 3d fabric of buckyfiber..? Within a cladding of Borazon..? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Major Tom Posted February 20, 2005 Report Share Posted February 20, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! Wot about Interwoven 3d fabric of buckyfiber..? Within a cladding of Borazon..? I've never heard of any of that stuff, so I couldn't tell you what would happen to it. Major Tom Aspiring Evil Advice Contributor At Large Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxiekins Posted February 20, 2005 Report Share Posted February 20, 2005 Re: (In Character) The Q.U.A.R.K. Column begins anew! I've never heard of any of that stuff' date=' so I couldn't tell you what would happen to it.[/quote'] Oh... *contemplating* Ya know where I can find some Uranium Hexaflouride...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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