The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

[Shadowsoul]

(Note. The numbers here are not in any way based on research, no corrections please).

 

Scene opens.

 

Hitler is sitting in his office. He is studying a map of Russia which has been marked with German and Russian army units.

 

Two high ranking Staff Officers enter the office. One holds a sheaf of papers. Both look extremely nervous.

 

The Staff Officers salute smartly and say in unison. "Hail, mine Fuhrer!"

 

Hitler salutes. "You are here, Gut. We must send more men into Russia. The slavic scum are on the run."

 

The 1st Staff Officer replies, he is clearly terrified. "There are no more men to spare, Mine Fuhrer."

 

Hitler's eyes bulge and his face begins to turn purple. "What? You dare to say that the glorious army of the Third Reich is exhausted? Who is responsible for this?"

 

1st Staff Officer. "Mine Fuhrer! It is because of all of these spy plots, weird inventions and occult machinations. We have lost thousands of men and untold amounts of materiel to such endeavours."

 

He motions the 2nd Staff Officer forward.

 

2nd Staff Officer. Takes a deep breath. "Mine Fuhrer! We have lost more men to enemy agents and escaping prisoners of war than we did during the conquests of France, Belgium, Chekoslovakia and Greece put together. For example, more than four hundred men are believed to have perished in engagements with a single American Archaeologist!"

 

He taps one of his documents and begins to read from it. "32 men lost from driving over the edges of cliffs. 121 men shot. 3 men strangled with a whip. 19 men killed by poisonous snakes. 28 men who lost their souls to the Arc of the Covenant ..."

 

The 1st Staff Officer interrupts. "That was one of our many failed occult adventures Mine Fuhrer. I always advised against them."

 

Hitler is far from appeased. "Just how many men could the Third Reich have lost to my extremely important investigations into the Occult? Any one of which could have resulted in complete victory!"

 

2nd Staff Officer. Pulls out a larger list and begins to read while the 1st Staff Officer edges away from him. "711 killed by test subjects or enemy action as a direct result of 5 different attempts to create super soldiers from Vampires and a further 102 lost to a single attempt to do the same with Werewolves. Exactly 1300 lost to Demonic action; causes of death include - being sucked into a Hell Dimension, being possessed, death from actual battles with Demons and Devils, death from being sacrificed to Evil Powers, death from engagements with Allied Agents attempting to prevent our experiments .."

 

Hitler motions for him to move on to the next item.

 

2nd Staff Officer. Clears his throat. "322 men, two battleships, one U-boat and an extremely unlucky Messerschmitt, devoured by Great Cthulhu. Another battleship was destroyed by Dagon and our U-boat Malevolence was dragged down into the lightless depths by Leviathan, all hands were lost."

 

He looks at the next sub-list. "19 men, 5 attack dogs and a pet monkey which had been taught the Party's salute were eaten by dinosaurs in the dark caverns of the Inner Earth. 7 men on the same expedition fell into a volcano. 27 of the remaining members of the expedition are believed to have perished in battle, though the lone survivor was too insane to explain who they were fighting."

 

He continues. "12 men killed by Yetis and 40 more murdered by supposedly peaceful Taoist monks. 352 drowned in the sunken city of Mu and 217 destroyed by energy weapons in Atlantis. An entire regiment which had been converted in Zombies was wiped out by some kind of holy weapon, possibly the Grail. 16 men dead from enemy action after the failed attempt to graft the Spear of Longinus onto Goebbels right arm. 891 dead in the invasion of the Moon, which also cost us immense amounts of resources that had to be diverted from the Western Front."

 

1st Staff Officer. Cannot resist adding. "It is not just men we lack! We are bankrupt Mine Fuhrer! We have no more resources to make the weapons of war."

 

2nd Staff Officer. "Half a tank Division was smashed to pieces by King Kong, the other half was later melted by the firebreath of Godzilla. Both losses the result of failures to harness to creatures to the war effort. 3 Stukas and 5 Messerschmitts were turned into bats by the rogue sorcerer Rasputin after he fell out with his handlers..."

 

So many veins are throbbing in Hitler's head that it seems as though a heart attack is imminent. "So, the Occultists have failed. Execute everyone responsible."

 

2nd Staff Officer. Goes white. "W-wait, Mine Fuhrer. Our many spy organisations and research divisions have also caused immense losses. Not to mention the many deaths caused by the plots of the dastardly Allies."

 

He quickly thumbs through his paperwork until he finds another file. "980 men lost when secret bases exploded. 435 lost when experimental aircraft failed. 33 men thrown out of planes by enemy agents. 42 men lost in a single incident involving an attempt to steal a jetpack from an American inventor. 517 confirmed as being killed by Allied agents attempting to infiltrate our bases. 111 men killed protecting you from failed assassination attempts by Allied and Russian agents, that included 7 men poisoned by a venom stained hearthrug sent to you by a platoon of the British Home Guard who had heard that you bite the carpet when enraged. 9895 men killed directly by elite commando units fielded by the Allies, the indirect losses are beyond counting."

 

Hitler. Holds up a shaking hand. "Just how many elite units do the wretched Allies have?"

 

1st Staff Officer. "We are not entirely sure, Mine Fuhrer. But we estimate that around 20% of the Allied forces consists of commandoes, special forces, kill squads, espionage units, secret agents, suicide squads, 'heroes' and assorted irregulars. By 'irregulars' I don't mean resistance groups but civilian agents such as inventors, detectives, magicians, adventurers, professors, scientists and wielders of unusual technology, superheroes, two fisted action heroes, square jawed action heroes, reluctant action heroes and plucky animal sidekicks."

 

Hitler. "Mine Gott! Has no one thought to try and recover our losses?"

 

2nd Staff Officer. "Oh yes, Mine Fuhrer. Ah, here is the list. 40 men MIA after they were sent into the future to try and kidnap Elvis and hold him to ransom in return for much needed war supplies. 214 men phased out of existence by a device intended to steal the French fleet before the Britisher scum could sink it to prevent it from falling into our hands..."

 

Hitler. "Enough! Get out! Do not come back until Stalingrad has fallen."

 

Staff Officers. Salute and back out of the door as fast as possible without actually running.

 

Hitler. Leaps out of his chair and begins foaming at the mouth, screaming incoherently until he collapses on the floor and begins chewing at the carpet.

 

Scene ends.

 

(Further additions to the various lists are welcome).

[Mr. R]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

LOL!!!! Bumped just to keep it going. And repped.

[assault]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

LOL.

 

Unfortunately the casualty figures given are rather trivial compared to those suffered on the Eastern Front. The losses in material are pretty serious though...

 

Repped.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

I liked it .

 

But, in reality, Hitler had highly variable enthusiasm as regards Big & Flashy Technology; but was very uninterested in relics, the occult or religious matters (other than his belief in his / Germany's "Great Destiny", yadda, yadda, yadda ...).

 

Himmler was always the go-to Nazi for that sort of thing.

[Badger]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

I liked it .

 

But, in reality, Hitler had highly variable enthusiasm as regards Big & Flashy Technology; but was very uninterested in relics, the occult or religious matters (other than his belief in his / Germany's "Great Destiny", yadda, yadda, yadda ...).

 

Himmler was always the go-to Nazi for that sort of thing.

 

Uh-oh in alternate world Nazi Germany. Himmler is gonna get the firing squad special.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

Uh-oh in alternate world Nazi Germany. Himmler is gonna get the firing squad special.

 

IF he is very very lucky.

[kahuna's bro]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

one thing tho godzilla coudnt have destroyed nazi eqipment

besides the fact that japan was allied with the nazis it has been established that godzilla was given his powers as a eresultof mutation following the 1954 atomic bomb test on bikini island durin wwII he was a surviving dinosaur

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

one thing tho godzilla coudnt have destroyed nazi eqipment

besides the fact that japan was allied with the nazis it has been established that godzilla was given his powers as a eresultof mutation following the 1954 atomic bomb test on bikini island durin wwII he was a surviving dinosaur

 

Time travel, dude.

 

Consider all the weird face-offs that both Godzilla AND the Nazis have ever been in. It is probably inevitable that, sooner or later, The Big G makes at least a cameo appearance in ww2.

[Tom-C]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

Awesome stuff! While it's not a lot, let's not forget the 2 expeditions to darkest Africa to bring back gorillas for experiments and gold. Approximately 40 soldiers, 3 scientists and 1 rover boat lost to various causes including: mauling by lion, eaten by crocodiles, boat lost over a waterfall and others trampled by elephants called by a self-proclaimed 'Lord of the Apes'.

[Clonus]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

Then there was that tunnel they drilled from Morocco to South America when it collapsed...ow.

[Badger]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

one thing tho godzilla coudnt have destroyed nazi eqipment

besides the fact that japan was allied with the nazis it has been established that godzilla was given his powers as a eresultof mutation following the 1954 atomic bomb test on bikini island durin wwII he was a surviving dinosaur

 

One flaw- you assume Godzilla is allied to Japan. Maybe it is just his summer home.

[Badger]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

Oh and dont forget the deaths of 1086 men at the hands of an American baby they were sent to capture. I think the baby's name was Chuck Norris.

[Lawnmower Boy]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

I liked it .

 

But, in reality, Hitler had highly variable enthusiasm as regards Big & Flashy Technology; but was very uninterested in relics, the occult or religious matters (other than his belief in his / Germany's "Great Destiny", yadda, yadda, yadda ...).

 

Himmler was always the go-to Nazi for that sort of thing.

 

Staff Officer 1: "So that's it. Adolf's out. No funding. We might as well go home and pack some long underwear. Go east, young man!"

Staff Officer 2: "Not so fast. There's still Himmler."

SO1: "You're going to get anywhere with him. He's into magic."

SO2: "So? Torque the proposal, and we're good to go."

SO1: "I don't get it."

SO2: "Instead of infusing objects of unspeakable science with aetheric energies, we're offering the souls of sacrificial maidens in a blasphemous cult. You say "potato," I say 'sanity-blasting Elder Races.'"

SO1: "Wait a minute. I've read your proposal. We don't need sacrificial maidens to call forth the great ones of strange aeons to walk the Earth."

SO2: "Oh, I beg to differ. Here, I'll write in a requirement for sacrificial hung body builders for you."

SO1: "Oh, you scamp. You'll do anything to have a chance at tampering with things men weren't meant to know."

SO2: "And sacrificial maidens. Don't forget the maidens. Now. I believe that the Reichsfuerher SS is waiting for us?"

SO1: "After you, my dear boy!"

[Alverant]

Re: The Real Reason That The Nazi War Effort Failed

 

Don't forget about the resources used to further mechanize their air force with robotic clones of their flying ace Otto Pilot.