Random Television Quotes

[Pariah]

"If I had told her the whole truth, it would have destroyed her belief in the strength and wisdom of our caste. Delenn does not walk in the same world that you and I walk in. She does not see the same world that you and I see. In her world, we are better than we are. We care more than we care. We act towards each other with compassion. I much prefer her world to that of my own and I will not allow anything to threaten that "

[Michael Hopcroft]

"Ruby, do you take this Gem to have and to hold, on this and every other planet in the universe!?"
"I DO!!"
"And Sapphire, do you-"
"Yes."

"*whispering* You didn't let me finish."
"I'm just very excited."
"Then by the power vested in me by the state of Delmarva, I now pronounce you... Garnet!"

[Pariah]

"Oh, Amy! What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the lovechild of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I've watched it thirty-six times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene which I can only watch when it's still light out, but I defy you to find a story problem. Here's my jaw. Drop it."

 

"All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same."

 

"Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand; Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip."

 

"No, I do. And if he weren't in the movie the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up, and all died. Just like they did.

 

[ jaw drops ]

 

"Let me close that for you."

[Pariah]

"Science and learning in general were the preserve of the privileged few. The vast population of this city [Alexandria] had not the vaguest notion of the great discoveries being made within these walls. How could they? The new findings were not explained or popularized. The progress made here benefited them little. Science was not part of their lives. The discoveries in mechanics, say, or steam technology mainly were applied to the perfection of weapons, to the encouragement of superstition, to the amusement of kings. Scientists never seemed to grasp the enormous potential of machines to free people from arduous and repetitive labor. The intellectual achievements of antiquity had few practical applications. Science never captured the imagination of the multitude. There was no counterbalance to stagnation, to pessimism, to the most abject surrender to mysticism. So when, at long last, the mob came to burn the place down, there was nobody to stop them." 

[Michael Hopcroft]

"I don't want to rule the Universe -- I want to see it."

 

'"Aren't you going to say "It's bigger on the inside than the outside"? Everyone else does."

 

"HARRY SULLIVAN IS AN IMBECILE!"

[Pariah]

Students, faculty, admin, parents, district personnel I've never seen before that make eight times more money than me:

 

First off, please excuse me for reading this speech. I had to handwrite it. I sat down to type it, but my district computer has Windows 98 on it and couldn't handle the text file. And of course, the printer was jammed because my coworkers hate productivity. So I wrote it out.

 

Anyways, to the admin, I enjoyed your subjective evaluations, random drop-ins, and faculty meetings that were less effective than a Shop-Vac on the Titanic. I will never forget your attempt at a Fortnite dance during an assembly in an attempt to appeal to the children. It both embarrassed us and educated us on the warning signs of a seizure. I do appreciate your support reducing my class size down to a manageable 35 students, although adding a class and taking away my planning was ... not ideal. At least it did make an extra $500 a month to cover my new psychiatric expenses.

 

To the parents, I enjoyed all the time I had for self-reflection while I waited for you to show up to a parent-teacher conference that you never attended. I understand that work sometimes can keep you late. But just know that your child ratted you out, as they always do. The matinee showing of Endgame is not a job. Your condescending e-mails would have brought me several sleepless nights had I not observed your dozens of typos and a return e-mail of CreedFanCutie@hotmail.com. 

 

To the students, I love you all. I'm sorry, I read that wrong. I love Lysol. Umm ... can you wash your hands once in a while? Also, when I hand you a paper for your parents to sign, and you bring it back to me an hour later, unless your father is Marty McFly, it's still forgery. It's illegal. Don't do it. On a side note, before graduation I added all your pencils you guys borrowed and never returned to your obligations list, and each of you now owe me $379 before you get your diploma today.

 

To the fellow teachers, I hope one day the state realizes your true worth and gives you that pay raise you deserve ... mainly so you will stop asking me if I want to buy your essential oils.

 

As you all leave this auditorium today, I want you to reflect on life. I want you to look forward to the future, and please, please do me a favor and pick up your trash because I have a second job as a janitor here and would like to get home at a reasonable hour. Stranger Things is out, which ironically enough, students, the upside-down world is the only way in which your 69 will ever become a 96 overnight.

 

Class of 2019, what I'm trying to say is reach for the stars. Go out and make a career for yourself, and whatever you do, if it pays more than $40,000 a year, please hire me.

 

Thank you.

[Pariah]

"So long, screwy! See ya in Saint Louie!"