Christougher

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.  Gopher, Netscape with frames, the first Browser Wars.  Searching for pages with AltaVista, pop-up windows self-replicating, trying to uninstall RealPlayer.  All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.  Time to die."

He would have mentioned the squirrels, but he can't count that high.
 
 

My mother is 4'9" tall but absolutely fearless when approaching strangers.  The other day we're walking through the parking lot and there is this pickup truck in the handicapped parking spot with no handicap tags.  There is a guy sitting in the drivers seat, so my mother goes up to him and says
"Sir, this is a handicap spot.  My neighbor is handicapped and it makes it very difficult for her when people take the handicap spots.  You can't park here."
The guy says "I'm not parked, I'm just stopped."
My mother looks him right in the eye and says "Oh, I'm sorry.  I see your handicap is mental."

FTFY.
 
Now, who's old enough to get that?

Alligrateor

A young woman is seeing her boyfriend for the last time before leaving for a six month internship in Venice. She asks him, "Would you like me to bring home something for you?"
 
"Yeah," he replies. "Can you bring me home an Italian girl?"
 
"Excuse me?"
 
"I've always thought that Italian girls were super hot," he continues. "So if you could bring one home with you, I think the three of us could have a lot of fun together."
 
"Okay," she says, "if that's what you really want."
 
So she leaves for Venice the next morning, and the months fly by. The internship is a rousing success. She returns home, and her boyfriend picks her up from the airport. As they're driving home, has asks her, "So, before you left, you asked if there was anything I wanted you to bring back with you...."
 
"I remember," she says, nodding her head.
 
"And...?"
 
"Well, I tried my hardest to do exactly what you asked me to do," she said. "But it's going to be at least another month before I find out whether it's a girl." 

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!
 

This is the day that dads are celebrated by getting roasted everywhere. 

I never finish anything.

I have a black belt in Partial Arts. 

Finally, a petition I would sign!
 

I was running a sci fi game, setting based on the Master of Orion computer games.  The Antareans had almost extincted the Humans before vanishing, so things were rebuilding from near-zero but climbing quickly.  Recovery and growth was teh constant goal, and the PCs were an elite special operations crew.    They had enough hometime to see the effects of advancement - a crewmember with a prosthetic arm was transplanted a cloned arm, the farmer planted a field of the new high yield grain, etc.  
 
Targetted genetic sequencing was discovered, a way to repair flaws or weaknesses (as 10 XP of bonus CHA) was announced, and one character's special needs daughter was approached to be an early adopter.  PC said no, and that was mildly surprising but understandable.  The discovery goes mainstream and the military wants all its soldiers to benefit from the improvement, so of course, they want to start with their elite special operations crew.
 
Except that they all refused, to the point of resigning from service.  I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't backtrack orfix things.  It killed the campaign.
 
Chris.

I was running a sci fi game, setting based on the Master of Orion computer games.  The Antareans had almost extincted the Humans before vanishing, so things were rebuilding from near-zero but climbing quickly.  Recovery and growth was teh constant goal, and the PCs were an elite special operations crew.    They had enough hometime to see the effects of advancement - a crewmember with a prosthetic arm was transplanted a cloned arm, the farmer planted a field of the new high yield grain, etc.  
 
Targetted genetic sequencing was discovered, a way to repair flaws or weaknesses (as 10 XP of bonus CHA) was announced, and one character's special needs daughter was approached to be an early adopter.  PC said no, and that was mildly surprising but understandable.  The discovery goes mainstream and the military wants all its soldiers to benefit from the improvement, so of course, they want to start with their elite special operations crew.
 
Except that they all refused, to the point of resigning from service.  I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't backtrack orfix things.  It killed the campaign.
 
Chris.

There is a Waldo. You didn't find him? 

I’m so old I remember when “old school” was just “school”. 

Possibly similar circumstance.  Trailer park had three rows for mobile homes when an ordinace passed requiring them to have actual street names for mail delivery.  Owner dutifully ordered and installed three street signs for "Bureacrats", "Cause", and "Expense".  
 
Chris.
 

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit.
 
That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other.
 
Sign/if/I/can't.
 
 

I got a job at ComCast and completed the training, which is great because now I can fix my own cable.  That might seem extreme, but it was faster than being on hold with customer service.

From out Sunday D&D 5e game.
We solve the puzzle and walk through a portal into what appears to the the plane of law.  Around us are Monodrones, a few duodrones, and a couple of tri-drones. They bid us to halt, and because of the helmet, Caira was wearing, she hears, that Until the agreement is set, none shall pass. We hand them a notepad and a pencil. The agreement was that a follower of Bahamut and a follower of Tiamat had to walk through this area together.  Arjahn is a 17th level Paladin of Bahamut, and Caira is a follower, almost a priestess of Bahamut (but took sorceress instead).  The two of them walking in the lead, look at each other and shrug.  Next in line, Kotulich our ranger and Keros,  our Rogue, simultaneously pull out  Tiamat holy symbols that they have kept since the third session of this campaign, when we fought Tiamat cultists in Baldur's gate,  back in their first level. They have been hiding and keeping these for just such an emergency for more than a couple of years real time.  Arjahn and Caira look back at them in shock, and the Monodrones form up into ranks on either side, and the Tri-drones command them to escort us to the second portal, when is activated. Arjahn and Caira are quite wroth, but will not cause a scene until we get home. Keros and Kotulich just smile and march behind The two Bahamut followers.