Christopher

Never go to a mad scientist's garage sale.

Lions and Tribors and Weres, Oh My.
 
Going cross-country between Phandalin and Tribor. We're busy looting the orc's encampment when our lookout notices the ground in the gulley has just churned up, and something strongly resembling a shark's fin briefly surfaced.

Lamech: Uh-oh. I strongly suggest that anybody that's seen the movie Tremors get up on the rock with me.
GM: Now you know why those Orc's were camped in among the rocks, instead of on open ground.

GM: Your lookout fires off his best spell - he grew up with his granny telling him that halflings are a Land Shark's favourite meat. Well, Land Sharks and Ankhegs, anyway.



We now discover that Land Sharks can not only burrow, they can jump, when it leaps from the bottom of the ravine up onto our cleric, Thorn.

Lamech: So it's just done a Free Willy on him.
Kavorog: Yup. Leap... Squish.

Evidentially Elethandiel never saw Tremors, or Free Willy, since the dragonborn tries to attack it in hand-to-hand, and is promptly mauled. The rest of us are retreating higher onto the rocks and using every ranged attack we have - which isn't many, since we used most of them against the orcs a few minutes earlier. Kavorog HAS seen both movies, but attacks anyway, since he wants to beat it into submission and turn it into his personal riding beast. By the time the creature succumbs - and it only succumbs because everybody was rolling maximum damage - the party is mauled half to death, or half crushed, or mauled and crushed and currently underneath the Land Shark's massive body.

Thorn: Oh my f**king God. *casts Channel Divinity on the idiot dragonborn underneath the Land Shark*
Elethandiel: ...... Ow.

GM: And in 500 years there'll be protests outside LandWorld, complaining about the treatment of the poor captive Land Sharks.

There's also a pride of lions that show up in the middle of the night, but we let them enjoy their meal of dead land shark in peace. The huge bipedal figure that turns up thereafter, muttering in Orcish, is potentially more of a threat. Kavorog decides to light it up with Dancing Lights, because he's an idiot.

GM: It's an Ettin.
Lamech: Oh f**k, a two-headed giant????
GM: The muttering was the clue - it's arguing with itself.

Lamech: At least it doesn't know where the magic came from.
Kavorog: 'Where da pretty light come from?'
Lamech: 'Me smash fairies - grab, grab'

The lions attack while it's distracted. Mufasa instantly gets cut in half and decapitated.

Lamech: The King is dead, long live the King. But since this will be funny if it actually works ... *moves closer to cast Reduce on the giant*

The rest of us snipe, and Kavorog uses the Dancing Lights and Prestidigitation to create a glowing humanoid figure dancing around yelling "Hey! Listen!"

The lions, wisely, flee, which sucks for us, but at least the Ettin still can't tell where half the attacks are coming from, and blunders right into the middle of the kill zone.

GM: The Ettin clips you with its club.... It's a Grazing Mace.
All: *groan*
Urlon: Can we all get Inspiration Points for having to listen to that?

The next day, we find a destroyed Orc camp with wild boars eating the bodies.

Lamech: Kill the pigs!
GM: You typical anti-authoritarian gnome.

GM: The injured and furious boars stand upright and turn to a more humanoid form.
Lamech: Oh, f**k.
Urlon: Wereboars!
Lamech: Could be worse - could be weeaboos.

Elethandiel: What happens now?
Kavorog: We drag you to the nearest hospital.
Urlon: Or temple.
Kavorog: For weeks of treatment.
Lamech: Pigsbane enemas.

This is probably a good time to risk using that magical Bloodsword we picked up, since only magic and silver hurts Lycanthropes. The sword is a Sword of Vengeance, which forces its user to attack anybody that hurts the weirder. Regardless of how many other targets are around. And the circumstances of the attack. And objects viciously if the bearer tries to use any other weapon. Whoops.

On the other hand, Kavorog is also a bit busy right now, trying to drag his idiot cousin Elethandiel back to the rest of the party, so the Sword of Vengeance is out of play for the moment.

Lamech: Web! And now set them on fire.
Urlon: What did we just say about forest fires?!
GM: You really want me to sic Smokey the Werebear on you?

Peanut Gallery: Yay, long pig! Don't forget to harvest the meat!
Lamech: I intend to - evil bacon tastes better.
Peanut Gallery: Better yet capture one live and turn it into a pet to bite anyone that annoys you then come back later for some fresh bacon.

One of the were-boars runs off, with Elethandiel in pursuit - so, entirely in character for boars, she turns and charges the dragonborn.

Thorn: Everybody charge shouting! Maybe we can scare it off!
Lamech: SAUSAAAAGGGEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Thorn is very annoyed with Elethandiel, since he is after all now infected with lycanthropy, and running off after a were-boar is a very good way to end up joining them. Plus, we have other concerns.

GM: A glowing figure of an anthropomorphic bear in a Rangers hat, carrying a shovel and a roll of toilet paper, emerges from the river.
Urlon: Toilet paper?
GM: Yes - what do bears do in the woods? It glares at Lamech and Kavorog.
Lamech: Uh-oh.

Lamech and Kavorog rush to put out the forest fire we just started, but still get cursed with an injunction against starting fires. The clerics in the party gape, then laugh at this intervention by a divine entity.

Various quests for Murder-hobos Inc. And again, this is about half of the quotable quotes this session - I can only type so fast.

Dirty Franz OoC: Apparently the banshee likes pretty things, so Ewen is probably safe. Dirty Franz definitely isn’t.

Heather: We’re in the wilderness?
Salazar: Yes – we just had a random encounter, remember?
Dirty Franz OoC: I suppose, given the overall state of the place, that we just might have encountered an owlbear in the pub.

Salazar: Before meeting Dirty Franz I used to think that story about wizards creating owlbears was bullshit. Now, it’s all too believable.

Heather: There’s some dragon-headed thing coming.
Dirty Franz: He looks familiar.
Jurgen: No, your familiar is a rat.

Stro Vah Qo’s player: What was my character’s name again?
Ewen’s player: Bubbles the Wonder Lizard.

Dirty Franz: *rolls a 1 or Arcana check* Dirty Franz heard that banshees are allergic to ducks.
Salazar: … What????... I need to learn to stop listening to Franz.

GM: Apparently the banshee lives in a gazebo.
Dirty Franz OoC: We’re not high enough level for gazebos!

Dirty Franz: That guy said the banshee likes pretty things. Dirty Franz volunteers Ewen to go in first.
Heather: Aye.
Salazar: Yeah, alright.

Banshee: Foolish Mortals! Don-
Jurgen: Yeah yeah, we get the idea, here’s the deal-
Heather: *slaps hand over Jurgen’s mouth*
Banshee: Don’t you know it is death to seek me out!
Stro: No, I’m not deaf.
Salazar: Heather, you keep Jurgen silent, I’ll do Stro.

Ewen: We have a gift for you.
Banshee: … you have my interest. Go on.
Ewen: This beautiful comb for your hair.
Jurgen: I didn’t know she had a rabbit.
Heather: What?
Jurgen: Her hare.
Heather: .... *sigh*
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz likes rabbits. I hug them and pet them.
Jurgen: But they keep dying?
Dirty Franz: Tell me about the rabbits, Jurge.

The Banshee suitably charmed, we head off on the next quest – investigating reports of zombies at Old Owl Well.

Heather: Franz, stop trying to create Random Encounters.
Ewen: He’s just inventing the long-form spell for Summon Monster.
Dirty Franz OoC: It involves strapping pork chops to yourself and wandering around going ‘yoohoo, free dinner’

Salazar: Old Owl Well? Eh. We should the Orcs keep it.
Heather: But it’s zombies, not orcs. Different kind of greenskin.

The party start arguing among themselves about who should ‘volunteer’ to scout ahead in the zombie camp. They eventually turn around to find Franz playing with his My Little Ponies again.

Heather: Franz. Franz. We only stopped for five minutes. Put the ponies away and help us scout this pavilion.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz’s rat has already gone ahead.
Heather: ….
Salazar: It’s a sad day when OUR wizard is smarter than the rest of us.
Heather: OK. That’s good thinking Franz, I respect that. But I’d respect you more if you had a bath.
Salazar: He had a bath. It just didn’t take.

Heather accosts the returning rat and demands a sitrep.

Salazar: Hey! Leave my emergency rations alone!

Salazar: Wait – it was the rat’s idea, wasn’t it?
Dirty Franz: *stroking the hair of one of his ponies*
Salazar OoC: Well, as long as it’s Fluttershy or Luna.
Dirty Franz OoC: G3.5 ponies.
Salazar: *flinch*

Despite the reports, the pavilion is actually occupied by skeletons.

Salazar: Hey godbotherer – mind asking them what I did to piss them off? I can’t use a melon-baller on skeletons.
Jurgen: You bought a melon-baller. With intent.

Salazar: Back in Sharsmouth some of the rich families use cedar oil to keep their ancestor’s bodies intact.
Heather: Back up north we use whiskey and wandering around in the snow.
Salazar: I meant the bodies of the dead.
Heather: Back home you sometimes wish you were dead.

Some of us go up to the front, while Salazar and the others sneak around the back of the pavilion and lift up the edge.

Heather: Hey! Who’s in there!
Necromancer: Who’s there?
Stro: I am!
Heather: He is!
Dirty Franz: And so is Dirty Franz, apparently.

Salazar takes one look inside tent, notices that every skeleton is prominently stamped with the Sharsmouth Necromancers guild marks, and hurries back around frantically waving his hands to abort the attack.

Heather: Don’t you know who Bahamas is? He’s the most important dragon ever. And he can totally hang ten.
Stro: … I will stab you.

Necromancer: TK-118, fetch these people some tea.
Salazar: Ah, bone china.

GM: The necromancer is a jolly kind of person.
Heather: ‘I like killing things and resurrecting their bodies! What do you do?”
Ewen: Just the first one.

Heather’s player: I’m sorry, I couldn’t see Weldun’s hand gestures past Drhoz’s afro.
Dirty Franz’s player: Sorry.
Heather’s Player: *currently shaved bald* Yes, go ahead and apologise for your gorgeous hair.

Necromancer: So what are you doing out here anyway?
Heather: Hang on, I've got a list.. oh for fucks sake, Franz wrote this down. Hang on a tad, this might take some interpretation.

Necromancer: I don’t suppose you could ask the Banshee a question for me?
Jurgen: I think we already outstayed our welcome there.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz thinks she was sweet on Ewen.
Salazar: There’s taking one for the team, and then there’s that.
Ewen: And given my powers are positive energy based, I don’t think it would work out.

The Necromancer offers an ancient, oversized gold ring as a bribe for the banshee. Ewen finds this amusing.

Heather: Ewen, I’m putting my veto down now. You’re not marrying the banshee. It’s not because she’s a ghost, it’s because she’s a f**king elf.

The inscription is complicated, too.

Salazar: If it’s 'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul' we’re leaving

GM: You misread the inscription – it’s not a Ring of Protection, it’s a Ring of Prophylaxis.
Dirty Franz: Left out the quote marks. It’s a Ring of ‘Protection’.
Salazar: Sharsmouth wizards use them whenever they summon Succubi.
Ewen: ‘Wear Me Well In The South’

We head back to the Banshee’s hut.

Heather: I pre-emptively tackle Jurgen.

Ewen: An archaeologist working at ruins to the south has heard of your great knowledge.
Dirty Franz: And beauty.
Heather: *calling from well back where she’s holding Jurgen down* But he’s really shy!
Jurgen: I’m just enjoying the body contact.

The Banshee is pleased by the gift of the ring, and the question about the ruined tower, since they remind her of happier times.

Heather: That’s the first time I’ve seen somebody get introspective over a cockring.

Salazar: I thought it was a Ring of Protection the moment he said it was oversized.
Heather: I was thinking lizardfolk. But it was the wrong lizard.

To the fury of any true archeologists, Franz and Ewen stroll around the ruins turning over random blocks of masonry, to see if they can find anything the necromancer missed. We both roll exceptionally well.

GM: *rolls on some tables* F***. You.

GM: You hear Dirty Franz scream as the ground caves in underneath him.
Salazar: Wait for the splash, wait for the splash!

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz has found a dungeon.
Heather: How far down is he?
Salazar: Hang on *drops rock down the hole* Wait for the Ow.
Dirty Franz: ……. Ow.
Salazar: Right – divide the time delay by two and deduct Franz’s height.

Dirty Franz: Naked flame, confined space, and Dirty Franz – not a good combination.
Heather: Thank god you specified naked flame.

Jurgen: Congratulations, Franz, you’ve managed to find an empty room.
Heather: But if there is anything down here we’re going to take it. Well done Franz! Good Boy! Good Boy!
Jurgen: Do not encourage the Franz.

Dirty Franz: If the corridor is level there must be something down there, under the rubble.
Salazar: Do I look like a digger? I’m over five foot and I don’t have a beard.

Only SOME of the doors down here are rusted solid.

GM: The first thing you notice is the smell.
Jurgen: We’ve got Franz with us. We don’t notice.
GM: It smells worse than Franz.
Stro: Oh god.
Jurgen: Did Franz just fart?
Dirty Franz: *speculatively sniffing his own armpits*

The room beyond is filled with a foul green mist.

Jurgen: I light a torch and throw it in.
GM: WHOOMPH!
Salazar: I’ve heard diggers talk about firedamp, I’m already dodging.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz didn’t do it!

GM: There is the screeching of multiple creatures before they notice the door is open.
Dirty Franz: And the roof is on fire.
GM: And the roof is on fire.
Salazar OoC: OK, so who DIDN’T have the song run through their head?
GM: You rush through to attack.
Heather: Oh no we don’t – this is not how it’s going down.
Jurgen: Let THEM come through the chokepoint.

GM: The creatures look like big green humanoid bats.
Heather: They’re adorable!
Ewen: That have been beaten with a shovel.
Heather: They’re adorable!
Salazar: Oh good, they have eyes. *pulls out melon-baller* OK fellas! Who’s first?

GM: The creatures make their plans in Abyssal.
Ewen: I’m Celestial.
Jurgen: I speak Infernal.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz speaks Common and Murder-hobo.

GM: Did you Grease this side of the door, or the far side?
Salazar: The far side – Franz is repugnant, not retarded.
GM: As you kill them they melt into a foul green mist.
Salazar: I’m upset – I could have got a good price for a fiend’s eyeball.

A combination of the chokepoint, Franz’s Grease and Web spells, Stro’s Thunderwave, and Salazar’s threat with the melon-baller, completely turns the tables and we now outnumber the surviving fiends.

Salazar: I skate across the grease into the room, grapple one, and use Action Surge to scoop out its eyeball.

GM: The fiends are fleeing. They might be evil but they were at home here!

Dirty Franz: *waves his heavy metal walking stick, charges through the doorway, roaring* FOR SHARSMOUTH! *slips on his own Grease spell and goes arse over tits*
Heather: Well, that was a thing that happened.

Stro’s player: I keep forgetting all my magic.
Heather: ‘Oh wait, I’m a dragon!’
Dirty Franz OoC: No existential angst for him.

The fiend Salazar has grappled tries to wriggle free.

Salazar: Oh no you don’t! You’re still mine for ten minutes and it’s playtime! *slams the fiends head repeatedly into the wall, because there’s an eyeball in his melon-baller that he wants to keep, and keeps the eyeball in the tool even as he chases the fiend down to finish it off.* I am the KING of Egg and Spoon Races!
GM: The eye survives intact even as the rest of the creature dissolves.
Salazar: You have to remove them alive.

Heather: Hey, Franz, you OK?
Dirty Franz: ….. ow.
Heather: Gimme your hand, you daft bugger, I’ll pull you out.

Salazar: Anybody know how to preserve an eyeball?
Dirty Franz: *points to eyepatch* Dirty Franz wishes he did.
Salazar: I’m got a replacement for you.
Dirty Franz: … Dirty Franz has reservations about this plan.
GM: You can’t do that.
Salazar: Oh come on, it’s a classic trope – a man gets the eye of a lecher and keeps looking a women, another gets the hand of a thief and keeps finding his friends wallets in his pockets...
Ewen: And Franz gets the eye of a stinky demon.
Jurgen: So no-one will notice.

Heather: When I cast Turn Fiends will it turn Franz’s eyeball too?
Jurgen: And make it spin around in his head?

Salazar: Look at it this way, Franz, you’ll be able to see in the dark and look after the Mistress better.
Dirty Franz: … Dirty Franz likes being helpful.

There are larger, more intelligent fiends down here too.

Jurgen: So, prepared to die?
Bearded Devil: Interloper! How dare you intrude in our temple!
Jurgen: Pretty easily thank you. Now shut up and die.

Jurgen: Single thrust, up under the arm.
GM: I’m going to take that to heart.

Dirty Franz: *Enlarges Heather*
Heather: Today is a good day to be a GIANT WOMAN
Dirty Franz: *singing* All I wanna do, is see you turn into, a giant, woman, GIANT WOMAN



It’s a tough fight, but the fiend’s Barbed Devil leader retreats to the altar, as the rest of us converge at speed.

Heather: You have made a grave tactical error, Mister Demon.

Alas, none of them are facing the right direction see that Franz is stripping off as he runs.

Salazar: That’s strange - my instincts are telling me there’s a Presence behind me… but they’re also warning me not to look.

But there is method to Franz’s madness – he’s using the clothing as extra padding as it makes a flying tackle on the Barbed Devil. Unfortunately it’s not enough padding and Franz is forcibly reminded that getting intimate with a rabid porcupine is never a good idea.

Dirty Franz: ……….. owie.

Ewen: So, since you have the last healing spell, do you want to save the wizard? He might smell, but he’s ours. Bear in mind that I’ll kill you if you don’t.

GM: The Barbed Devil tries to drag itself towards the altar –
Stro: No it doesn’t. If it so much as twitches we’d freak.
Heather: There are adventurers that would allow it one last breath – WE ARE NOT THOSE ADVENTURERS.

Heather: I am tired. And enormous.
Purrdence, from the Peanut Gallery: *starts to snicker*
Weldun: Goddamn you, Purrdence, the Smut Field is back. .

Ewen: If it HAD managed to summon a Horned Devil I’d have said Fuck This Noise and run.
Salazar: Tim Curry has come for me, Ima leave.

The big guy is always faster than and smarter than he looks.

we can't all have the powers of the ancient gods some of us need to improvise

Full moon on Christmas Last one was in 1977; next one will be in 2034.
 
"Sorry, wrong number!" Guess where the call originated.

Charles Edward Zuccarelli was born and raised in New York City.  He used to daydream about someday having amazing superpowers, being able to fly and rescue damsels in distress. Knocking out the villains and seeing them carted away for prosecution and justice!
 
But he was an shy introvert, and the bullies at his school nicknamed him Chuckie, after the murderous doll from the movies.  He used to be ridiculed and degraded on a regular basis.
 
One Friday after school, he was running home from school, chased by the bullies when he tripped and fell.  They grabbed him and took him to an old abandoned park and pushed him into an old sewer line.  They hung out at the entrance and wouldn't let him out.
 
Realising he wouldn't be able to push his way through the gang he headed further into the sewers hoping to find another way out.  He wandered for hours and thought he was really lost when he saw a light up ahead.  Thinking it was sunlight coming through a grate that he might be able to get through he ran towards it. What he found instead was a nest full of eggs, eggs that were glowing green. Looking around frightfully, he noticed a large white alligator, possibly the mother and she had huge white eyes, she didn't move and he figured she was waiting for an opportunity to attack.  One of the eggs started wriggling, it broke open and a baby alligator came out.  Still Momma didn't move, then another broke out and the two tiny gators started to fight.  Fascinated, Chuck watched them and the one killed the other and started to feed on it. In horror he saw it grow before his eyes.  
 
Looking at the eggs again he noticed that there was only one egg left and its green glowing was fading away, the one gator went over to mom and curled up against her.  Chuck had a thought, this could be worth some thing if he could figure out what to do with it.  He grabbed the remaining egg, and some of the nest and stuffed it into his backpack.  He heard a noise behind him, looking back he saw that Momma was awake now, he ran as fast as he could back the way he'd come.
 
Eventually he made his way back to where he had been pushed in, the bullies were gone now, bored with waiting for him to try and come out.
 
He went home with his prize and tried to figure out what to do next.  He googled how to care for the egg and settled for keeping it warm with his lamp stand light.  Then he Googled what to feed an alligator so he could be prepared for when it broke out.  
 
Later that night the baby was hatched, it was so cute and its white skin was offset by its green eyes. Chuck fed the gator and decided he was going to raise it himself. He tried to keep its existence a secret but mom's know when their children are up to something!  She found him and forbid him to keep the creature, it had been a week and he had been feeding it mice.  As if knowing that it would be turned over to some one else that night the baby gator died. Chuck was heartbroken and the baby died in his arms, something strange happened as it passed away, an energy passed between them and Chuck felt different somehow, stronger...
 
When next the bullies picked on him one of then, Richard the ringleader actually punched him in the chest, the strange energy had started to transform Chuck, he hardly felt the blow and Richard hurt his hand.  Over the next few weeks Chuck started getting muscles and taller, at 17 it was like he had finally reached puberty and was growing into what he always dreamed of.  The bullies no longer picked on him, he started defending other kids from them and girls even started to show an interest in him, this was the life!!
 
Chuck is finishing high school and planning on where his future will take him, he thinks that with his new strength and nigh invulnerability he should try out for the Champions, but he probably needs to show them what he can do for them to accept him, that afternoon he is witness to a battle between Witchcraft and some DEMON agents, she is handling them easily when another one comes around the corner, she doesn't see him and he prepares to attack from behind (the churl) Chuck roars and jumps in front of the agent to save Witchcraft, the energy blast is ineffective against his scaly skin, wait?? Scaly?? When did that happen??
 
In horror he sees a reflection of himself and he has grown to about 7 feet tall, has green and white scaly skin and of all things an Alligator head.  At first, Witchcraft thinks he is an enemy and prepares a spell to take him out, then she notices the DEMON agent at the feet of this being.  Instead she cuts a spell of intention and learns of his noble attitude, she invites him to come join her and the other heroes.
 
He takes the name of Gatorade,,,

The Nile Crocodile
 
Sophon B. Ekhead was your average egyptian archeologist, suffering from average derision of his lastname, who stumbeled over your average egyptian artifact that granted him superpowers.
 
Granted who he got his powers from - Sobek - is not exactly your run of the nile god: He is asociated with such conflicting factors as the Nile Crocodile, the pharaonic mandate, fertility, military prowes and protection from the dangers of the nile.
 
What Sophon made out of the power is also not quite usual. Not really a person to throw physical might around and not willing to bite peoples heads of (and robots taste so artificial), he equipped himself with a self made utility belt.
However his inventiveness did not include a good name.
 
Why he runs around shirtless and with shorts? Well he claims that Sobek mandates this as a requirement for the powers. But in reality he is just trying to get female atention. God of fertility and all that....

Ok try this.

As a Villain: If you're going to be bad, be good at it!!!       

The Majestic Potoobear, and Things To Do With Small Rodents
From the longer-running D&D campaign - Off to Tribor and the Temple of Elemental Pains-in-the-Arse

GM: Those Aarakocra are still following you, discreetly.
Lamech: Circling like vultures.

We're crossing the hills on the most direct route possible, and spot a wolf ahead of us.

GM: It's dropping markers every few minutes.
Kerak: ... You mean peeing.
GM: .... Yes.

It's the druid's assistant, making sure we don't get lost. What a shame he didn't notice the monster encounter he lead us straight into.

Lamech: Well, that's what comes of spending an hour following a Shitzu.

Kavorog failed to notice the ambush either.

Lamech: Too busy thinking about the Blue Knight, were you?
Kavorog: Dat Ass!

GM: The orc longbows target the unarmoured dragonborn!
Kavorog: Unarmed? Pff.
Lamech: It's the boob window.

Still, after a hard battle, we prevail for long enough to consider looting the bodies.

Kerak: Should we really pick that sword up? The Orc said it needed to drink the gnome's blood.
Lamech: Reasonable grounds for suspicion, I believe is the legal term.
Kerak: A bit dodgy, in the colloquial.


And from the more recently started one. This session was such non-stop wit and filthy jokes that I missed recording at least half of them.

Learning the spell Web

Salazar: Yes, Dirty Franz covers everything in sticky white stuff.
Ewen: And I promptly set myself on fire.
Salazar OoC: One of my characters in the other game learned the legendary Bukkake Missile.

Salazar: I might be nastier than the tiefling, but I AM human.
Heather: Eh, jury's still out on that.

The Dirty Franz Guide to Schools of Magic

Salazar: Abjuration - Dirty Frank smells so bad things go away
Heather: Conjuration - Dirty Franz smells so bad he attracts wild animals. Divination - Dirty Franz gets so high on his own stink he can see into the f**king future.
Salazar: Enchantment - People keep Dirty Franz around for some reason. We think this is why.
Heather: Evocation - I AM the boomstick !
Ewen: Dirty Franz smells OFFENSIVELY bad
Heather: Illusion - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps OTHER people's perception of reality. Necromancy - Smells so bad even the dead get up and walk away.
Ewen: Or the dead assume he's already a Lich and do what he says.
Heather: Transmutation - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps reality.

Heather: I can suddenly talk to animals!.... I'm one step closer to becoming a Disney Princess.

Dirty Franz: We found evidence he was going to kidnap us.... And killed him first.
Jurgen: Sequence of events is important. But not in this case.
Ewen: Maybe in court.

Heather speaks to some rats on the far side of a door.

Heather: My time has come.... Squeak! SQUEAK SQUEAK! SQUEAKUM!
Rat: Where is my master?
Heather: I'm your new master!
Rat: You don't sound like a wizard.
Heather: ... That's because I'm a wizard's apprentice!

The room is a wizard's lab and library - the rat peers at us from among the alchemical equipment.

Jurgen: Nobody insult the rat, he has a retort ready.
All: *groan*
Salazar: ... My fault, I listened.

GM: Dirty Franz has it made - all the wizard's spellbooks and scrolls are here.
Salazar: Can Franz even read?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz always on lookout for soft paper.

Rat: I have a bit of an issue here - you killed my master.
Ewen: Well he was being a bit of a d**k.

The bigger problem is that with the wizard dead, the rat familiar will soon dissipate back into the realms of plot convenience.

Heather: So, does anybody know the Find Familiar spell?
Dirty Franz: *holds up hand*
Heather: Yes, what is it Franz? Do you need to go to the toilet? Lie down? Sleep?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz knows Familiar spell.
Heather: Why am I not surprised you talk to vermin.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz had gerbil once. His name was Lemmiwinks.
All: ....
Ewen's player: Now where have I heard that name before.... Oh god.
Salazar OoC : And moving swiftly on!!! Right now!
Dirty Franz: I kept him in my Dimensional Pocket.
Ewen: Argghhhh!
Heather: OK, I want to know... But I'm afraid to ask.

Salazar: I know some people that will pay good coin for an invisibility potion. Back at the Academy.
Heather: Oh?
Salazar: Yes. Professors, mostly.
Heather: ... 😧
Dirty Franz: They have to avoid the students somehow.
Salazar: 'Avoid'?

Dirty Franz OoC: Spider Climb will be a useful Buff.
Heather OoC: Useful for you too.
Dirty Franz OoC: Yes, you can wake up in the middle of the night to find Franz clinging to the ceiling, watching you.
Heather: .... Go back to sleep.
Ewen: If I ever wake up to something like that, I'm setting the ceiling on fire.

Salazar: You know Heather, if you really want to learn how to be a Princess, you have to master the art of gargling walnuts.
Heather: That sounds difficult. Do you do it with water?
Salazar: Generally no.
Heather: Is it really worth learning?
Salazar: You'll find it invaluable on your wedding night.
Heather: Why do people keep going on about my wedding night? I thought I'd be too busy f**king to need all this other stuff.

Heather: I suspect Franz will be getting a lot of use out of the ability to see through his familiar's eyes.
GM: And the rat will be doing a lot of covering its own eyes and screaming.
Rat: Brain Bleach! Brain Bleach!
Heather: Why is it that it's the teifling and the warlock that make me LEAST uncomfortable?
Salazar: Because humans are scum.

Heather: Why are they still using copper coins? Haven't they heard of inflation?

We also find a roomful of bugbears 'demeaning' a goblin.

GM: I'm sparing you the details.
Dirty Franz OoC: You forget what kind of party this is. The goblin failed his Anal Circumference test, did he?

Salazar: Wait... You said the bugbears are busy 'demeaning' the goblin? Exactly how much armour are they wearing?
GM: ..... f**k.

GM: The bugbear is very angry and swings both morningstars.
Dirty Franz OoC: 'Both'?
GM: *sigh* Alright, all three morningstars.

Salazar: OK - I unarmed-attack the bugbear *does 23 points of damage*And now I have him grappled... By the 'morningstar'.
Bugbear: *screams*
Salazar OoC: Well, the rules say grapple controls his movement XD

Jurgen makes swift work of another bugbear.

Ewen: And every hit was to the junk.
GM: And the bugbear is dead.
Dirty Franz OoC: And converted to Judaism.
Heather: I can't believe you did all that slashing damage to his 'morningstar'.

Salazar finishes off the first bugbear.

GM: *sigh*and you have a trophy.
Salazar: And now I can say to the next person that annoys me 'The last person who annoyed me, I tore his dick off.'

Salazar: Now how am I ever expected to top this?
Heather: For gods sake man, stop waving that thing around!

Salazar has a conversation with the goblin.

Salazar: Get to Charsmouth, and ask around the docks for Slippery Eli. The person, not the sex act.
Heather: What??
Salazar: If he gets to Charsmouth alive and delivers this letter, he's got a job. Eli's always after fresh talent. And if he can survive five minutes with bugbears without getting his neck snapped, he's obviously got potential.

There's also a set of slave cages, and a pile of discarded clothes. Dirty Franz gets to work on his annual change of wardrobe.

GM: It's not just the current prisoner's clothes. It's quite a large pile.
Dirty Franz OoC: That's OK, I'll go for the layered look.
Heather: The big dress suits you.

We find out that the rest of the slaves have been sold to Orcs at Cragsmoor Castle.

Salazar: Well, it's always nice to have a target.
GM: I had a chapter full of side quests to get you to this point!
Heather: I know, we were just killing time a bar and we accidentally their entire base.

Slave: They killed my husband because he defied them!
Ewen: *shrug* And we killed the entire gang because they defied us.
Heather: We crawled up their arse so hard they died.

GM: Whoever is behind this calls themselves the Black Spider.
Ewen: Hang about, let me check my notes - there's at least 56 criminal organisations that use that as their name. Or variants.
Heather: The Ebon Spider.
Ewen: And the Bleak Spider.
Dirty Franz: The dyslexic one.

After this profitable hour of bloodshed and mayhem, it's time to patch up any minor injuries and prepare our excuses for why we murdered a dozen people after one of them tried to pick a fight

Salazar: Yup, that's healing magic alright - takes away the hurt, leaves the pain.
Ewen: I think I've got the hang of this.
Heather: You'd better, I remember what happened to that cat.
Ewen: Don't worry, I haven't blown up anything for weeks.
Heather: You haven't used Heal in over a week!

Salazar: I'm trying to come up with some way of saying 'Don't worry, we're not planning on killing anybody else tonight and we're leaving in the morning'

Heather: He was going to kidnap us, and we killed him.
Sildar: What???
Heather: Think of us as violently protective bodyguards.
Sildar: Albrecht? I can't believe this! He's a member of the Lord's Alliance!
Heather: Why not, they're all a bunch of dicks anyway. Unlike the nobility up north, they'll backstab you in the front.
Salazar: Or if they do backstab you will give you a reach-around as they do.

GM: Eventually word gets around that you've effectively wiped out the biggest threat in town.
Ewen: Is it because I'm sitting in the bar itemising the huge pile of loot?
Dirty Franz: That and the big pyramid of heads.

A party ensues. Heather gets Hella Drunk.

Ewen: I don't know how to put livers back together.

All the shopkeepers that would have hired us to deal with the Red Brands turn up with spontaneous gifts.

Heather OoC: I don't know what to do - I'm so many sheets to the wind that people are just turning up and giving me money.
Salazar: If you're dancing and people are throwing money at you, you're supposed to start taking clothes off.

Salazar considers ways to top the Morningstar incident.

Salazar: Hey, shopkeeper, do you have any melon-ballers?

Heather: Franz... Hey. Franz. I get where you're coming from, man. I worship Sune, but you worship the God of Filth. And I only party some of the time, but you stink around the clock!
Dirty Franz: *hunched over his My Little Pony figures at one of the tables, and looking more and more nervous as Heather goes on*
Salazar: Hey, Franz! Why don't you and I go upstairs for a party with these lovely ladies!
GM: You realise that the moment Franz sees the bath, you're going to have to Grapple him?
Salazar: Yup!
Heather: You don't understand, he's carrying out his priestly duties!
Salazar: Scrub away, ladies, scrub away!

Salazar: You realise that to worship Sune properly, you have to help Franz find his inner beauty? So grab a sponge.
Ewen: 'On a stick, I'm not a monster'

Heather grabs the most handsome man in the bar and drags him upstairs.

Ewen: Wait - I think that's me.
Heather: *yoink*

Ewen gets a membership offer from the Zhentarim, a secret society of evil mercenaries and the like.

Salazar: And it's not me who gets the offer. Because I'm busy.
Heather: 'You're far too silly to join our super-serious dark and edgy organisation!'
Ewen: Instead they approach the warlock who visibly glowing with positive energy. 'You're a warlock, right?' '.... Yes?'
Heather OoC: 'The rules are that's you're not allowed to smile, so turn that smile upside-down'

Ewen OoC: And because I glanced at the GMs laptop at the wrong moment and saw the thing about joining the Harpers, I'm going to try and join them, too XD *rolls a Natural 20* I like the sound of your organisation and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Salazar: I think we're going to be in town for a few days, so I'm putting up some notices - 'Rugged Man-About-Town Seeks Halfling Size Queen'

And they're still trying to get Franz clean, despite Franz's efforts.

Ewen: Go down to the blacksmith, see if you can borrow his wire brush.

Ewen ALSO gets a membership offer to the Order of the Gauntlet. It's becoming obvious why Albrecht managed to be a traitor - the various conspiracies are too incompetent to notice that they're all trying to recruit the same guy.

Salazar: This is going to make for an interesting coat-of-arms some day.
Ewen: I'm sure that these offers were supposed to go to different characters, but this is hilarious.
Heather: 'Excuse me, you seem to be the only one who's not completely blitzed'.

GM: There's a bounty on Orcs.
Salazar: Whoop-de-f**king-do.
GM: They're threatening economic stability in the region.
Salazar: Ah, that's different - now I've got a reason to kill them. Society only survives thanks to enlightened self-interest.

Sildar also approaches Ewen, to ask if Heather will be interested in joining the Lord's Alliance.

Dirty Franz OoC: Assuming Sildar didn't see her table-dancing last night.

Dirty Franz: I think the Red Brands are recruiting.
Heather: 'Will you people fuck off and let me count my money!!!!'

Heather: What happened last night?
Salazar: You got to see Franz naked.
Dirty Franz OoC: And Ewen had to chew his own arm off for some reason.
Ewen: And I joined two public and two secret organisations. Explanations later.

Heather: Odd they'd accept me after I ran away from my parents.
Ewen: Well, the head of the Lord's Alliance in Neverwinter is the Adventurer King - he probably considers it a glowing recommendation.
Salazar: Aren't they still pressuring him to get married? *eyes Heather speculatively*
Heather: Isn't he like, 40?
Ewen: 50, now.
Salazar: But still vital.

GM: I'm still impressed that this entire session has been one combat.
Ewen: And looting.
Dirty Franz: And table-dancing.
Salazar: And Dirty Franz had a bath.
Dirty Franz OoC: You remember the Peanuts character Pigpen, and the way the cloud would reform around him over a few panels?
Salazar: That's a shitty use of Prestidigitation. You realise the next attempt to get you clean will involve exorcism, right?

Heather has new plate armour.

Dirty Franz: Hope you've got a gambason on under that.
Heather: What? You people try wearing bare metal next to your nips. That stuff chafes.
Salazar: Well, there goes my fantasy for night.
Heather: And then there's those girls that wear chain mail against the skin - SOMETHING'S going to get pinched. Now shut up, I'm going to go do cartwheels in my new armour. *fails the DEX check, rolls to bottom of hill* I'm fine, my new armour protected me. Also, it's not grass stains, it's the green blood of my enemies. Ewen, bring my dinner down here.

Random Encounter!

Heather: Owlbears have an INT of 3.
GM: It's the Majestic Potoo-bear.
Ewen: Hard to take seriously as its mauling you to death.



It's also difficult to take it seriously when it's held to the ground with Evard's Naughty Tentacles and on fire.

Salazar: We eat tonight!

My brother once told me the followign story:
The romans were at war again, and both armies were on other sides of a river.
The enemy crossed 1/3 of thier army. The romans attacked in full force and wiped that 1/3 out. Romans: "It was a gloroious day where our igenuity prevailed".
Then the romans crossed 1/3 of thier army. The enemy attack in force and wiped that 1/3 out as well. Romans: "How dare these dastardly barbarians use such a malicious, dishonobrale tactic!"

Col. Drake ends his meeting with the heroes.

Drake:  If you'll excuse me, I don't want to be late for my corned beef hash.
Nexus:  But aren't you concerned that you may be the next...
Honey Badger:  (to Nexus)  Wait, wait!  This is important.  (to Drake)  Corned beef hash?  How can I get put in here?
 
Maker leaves a pair of stolen VIPER drones, in Stealth mode, to keep watch over the prison.  Late that night, they notify her that sirens are going off in the prison.
 
Maker:  Did they see anybody fly up?  Or run across the prison yard?
GM:  Nope.
Maker:  So what did they detect?
Circe:  Sirens going WOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooo...
 
She hacks into the prison security cameras and sees Drake's cell door torn open, and Heracles dragging Drake out of his cell by the arm.  Across the way stands Zeus, with various other New Gods scattered across the cell block.  The cameras don't have audio, but they can see that Zeus is saying something, and the prisoners in the cells are banging on the bars of their cells and shouting.
 
Honey Badger:  They're probably shouting "Attica!  Attica!"
 
GM:  You've heard of a kangaroo court?  This is a kangaroo court martial.
 
Pops: (looking at the seven New Gods on the game map and knowing that the hero team, without Malarky that week, is down to six members)  Y'know, the guy's a bit of a jerk.  Do we really need to save him?
 
Pops:  Malarky's mass stone skin spell saved my a** last time.  Not to mention we won't have his luck spell.*  Guys, we're screwed.
 
*Brief aside - Malarky has a spell that grants 5d6 Luck to all the members of the team for a handful of minutes.  The way I've been handling that is having the players each roll 5d6 at the start of the combat, and count BODY.  That is the number of +1s they can apply to to-hit and skill rolls during the combat if they fall short of success.  They also get one re-roll of a to-hit or skill roll for every 6 rolled.  I do the same if any of their opponents happen to have any dice of Luck.
 
GM:  You also notice that all of the New Gods are standing ready, as if expecting you to teleport in.  (pause)  Athena may have had a vision that Just Cause would show up.
 
The team opts to appear on the third-level walkway right by Athena, planning to take out the mentalist quick.  The mentalist with Danger Sense, and extra DCV levels based on her DS roll, which can bring her up to an 11 DCV.  Not every hero attacks her, but every attack against her at the start of the fight does miss.  Including Circe's telekinetic blast, for which she rolled a critical failure (18) and accidentally hits Pops, CON-stunning him.
 
Maker:  Noooo!  Not only does Malarky not being here mean that we don't have any Luck!  Him being gone gave us Unluck!
 
The GM's dice, however, were mostly on fire.
 
GM:  Artemis doesn't like Circe's mental attacks, so she's taking a shot at her.  With range mods from all the way across the cell block and Circe's partial cover from people in the way, even with all levels on OCV Artemis only has a 9 or less to hit.  (rolls)  Huh.  8.  I guess the gods don't like you today.
 
Once he recovers from being Stunned, Pops teleports Drake into a cell in another section of the building, denying Zeus the chance to lightning bolt his original self.  Zeus sends Artemis to search for Drake, so Pops teleports to Drake and Megascale teleports both himself and Drake to the PRIMUS base in Boston.
 
Pops:  How fast can you scramble an assault team?  I think we're gonna need one.
 
Ares jumps up and grabs Shadowboxer, who responds by using his shadows (Extra Limbs) to grab Ares.  The two begin squeezing each other, but Ares simply laughs. 
 
Ares:  You will not win this battle, mortal!
 
I counted the dice in front of Shadowboxer's player each time Ares squeezed ("That's 8d6 for his 40 STR, plus 5d6 for his Super-Push, minus 4d6 for your Damage Negation..."  "That's 10d6 for his 50 STR..."  "That's 12d6 for his 60 STR...") but the player wasn't noticing, so finally I say it point-blank.
 
GM:  You notice that he's getting stronger the more you do physical damage to him.  Probably Absorption of some kind.
Shadowboxer:  Yeah, I kinda realized that a little late.
 
Shadowboxer falls unconscious.
Ares:  (looking down at Shadowboxer with a smirk)  Puny mortal.
 
Nexus hits Hermes with enough OCV drains to reduce him to 1 OCV.
 
GM:  At this point, Hermes can't even hit himself.
 
Infuriated at losing his chance to off Col. Drake and seeing how much of a pain Nexus is going to be, Zeus decides to blast her with a lightning bolt.  Again, the GM's dice are on fire (or super-charged as the case may be).
 
GM:  (rolls straight 4d6 RKA)  That's... ouch.  20 BODY and... 60 STUN.  (This gets 5 BODY past her rED and one-shot KO's Nexus)
 
Ares and Athena had taken Honey Badger down, so this leaves just Circe and Maker standing. 
 
Zeus:  Surrender, now, and I will let you live.  You leave, we leave.
Circe:  Go ahead, then.  Leave.
Zeus:  Do you surrender?  Know that if you or any of your comrades attack us, we will show you no mercy.
Circe:  Since when have you shown mercy?
Zeus:  I'm showing it now.  You're still alive, aren't you?  And as an act of good faith on your part... (points at Maker)  show yourself.
Maker:  (OOC)  I have my cloak field on!  I'm invisible!  Does he even know where I am?
GM:  He's pointing right at you.  So apparently, yes.
Maker:  (IC)  Why should I show myself?  So you can attack me?
Zeus:  I can attack you now. 
 
The two remaining heroines reluctantly agree, and the New Gods leave.  When Pops returns, he takes Nexus to the hospital.  Not surprisingly, the players were not happy with the outcome.
 
Pops:  We lost.  For the first time, we lost.
GM:  Not completely.  You kept the New Gods from killing Col. Drake, which was the only reason Zeus himself was there in the first place.
Pops:  We still lost.

Some quotes from last night's Champions game (hero team name is Just Cause):
 
Someone has been breaking into houses, homeless shelters, and orphanages to leave presents -- all are Just Cause action figures, with a tag reading "Just Cause You've Been Good!".  Keep in mind that my players have gotten extremely paranoid over the years.
 
GM:  X-rays of the dolls, er, action figures reveal nothing dangerous inside. No dangerous chemicals, toxins, or biological agents on either the dolls, clothing, or packages.  No magic detected either.  They're actually Barbie dolls and GI Joes with the heads replaced by ones that actually look similar to each of you.  Oh, and any Honey Badger action figures have patches of fake fur glued onto the body at various places.  But as far as any of you can tell, they're completely safe.
Nexus:  Why are you such an evil bastard?
 
Maker:  I'd like to see the data on where [gifts were found] on a map.  Maybe drawing out a pentagram over Boston?  Or a clown face/symbol?
GM:  Excellent idea.  As you put the points on a map, you see that they form a set of curved wings, plus a head with two pointy ears...
Honey Badger:  Like a fox?
GM:  Yeah, exactly like a fox.  Remember how you let Foxbat and his people go after capturing Dr. Pisces?  This is just his way of saying thanks, and giving you guys some free positive PR.  (pause)  Why are you guys so paranoid?
Nexus:  Years of gaming with you.
 
GM:  I said there were no dangerous chemicals.  You do, however, detects some benign chemical compounds on the action figure's torsos.  The formula works out to match the type of ink that only shows up under UV light.  When you shine a UV light on their backs, you can read "Life Member: Foxbat Fan Club".  Oh, and every Nexus action figure has the foxbat logo lovingly hand-painted across her chest.
 
The prior week, the heroes defeated a group of vampires, one of whom was a French diplomat and the others were employees at the Boston consulate.  All vampires were basically left in the sunlight to turn to ashes, and those ashes turned over to PRIMUS.  The heroes then learn that the French government demanded the return of the remains of their diplomat and citizens.
 
Honey Badger:  You keep sending us vampires, we'll keep sending you ashes.
 
Shadowboxer:  Did anybody mix any cigar ashes in with the vampire ashes?
 
Maker's Chinese tiger-mom sets her up on a date with the Chinese-American son of a friend.
 
Dr. Hu Cheng:  You go on date with him.  He's good boy.  Very smart.
Maker:  Gee, Mom, did you pick out where we're going to dinner?
Dr. Hu:  Of course not!  He call you, he pick restaurant. 
Maker:  Are you going to be sitting across the street to make sure the date goes well?
Dr. Hu:  (pause)  You go on date with him!  He's good boy!
 
He calls Li (Maker's secret ID).
Guan:  Hi, this is Guan Xiu.  (OOC)  It's spelled G-u-a-n X-i-u.  I'm not sure how that's supposed to be pronounced, so I'm going with "Juan Shoe".  Gotta love random name generators.
Shadowboxer:  (OOC)  Is his middle name "Red"?
GM:  (OOC)  Juan Red Shoe?  Aaargh!
 
Guan:  From everything your mother has told me, you seem like a fascinating woman.
Maker:  Wait, did my mom tell me anything about him?
GM:  Heck, she probably gave you a dossier on him.  You have everything on his work history and education.
Shadowboxer:  His report cards from middle school...
Circe:  What part he had in the 3rd grade school play...
 
Guan:  Please don't be offended, but to tell the truth, you mother scares me a little.
Maker:  You're not alone there.
 
Maker:  You know, this guy is probably going to turn out to be a supervillain in disguise.
 
Honey Badger's budding romance with Pop Tart hits a few bumps as she gets stressed and irritable about her upcoming final exams. 
 
Honey Badger:  Honey Badger don't care.  Just smile and offer her something to eat.
 
Another news item is on the New Gods breaking a man out of prison, so the players are discussing the New Gods.
 
Circe: (to Honey Badger)  Maybe if you're lucky, Aphrodite will show up.
Honey Badger:  Nah, Honey Badger doesn't care about her.  Honey Badger's girlfriend is hot, and named after a sweet breakfast treat.  It doesn't get much better than that.
 
After the prison break, PRIMUS briefs the heroes on the full history of the New Gods, who are android bioforms imprinted with the memories and personalities of various Cadmus personnel.
 
PRIMUS Det. Garrett:  The New Gods were created by Project: Cadmus, a paramilitary group that sought to overthrow the US government and replace it with military rule.  Actually, the New Gods are just Cadmus' superpowered muscle, not the ones in charge.  Their leader, former US Army Col. Antony Drake, was caught by the Millennium City Protectors about ten years ago and is currently serving time in prison.  All the New Gods were captured, deactivated, and disassembled.  Apparently, though, someone recently made a new batch.
 
So the heroes are a bit confused when a known Cadmus trooper, Stewart Fowler, is found dead in an alleyway, with one of Artemis' arrows sticking out of the back of his neck.
 
Circe:  What was he doing there?
GM:  You could try reading his mind to find out, but all you'll get is "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh".
 
Honey Badger makes an incredible smell PER roll and finds some odd reddish grains of sand stuck in the treads of Fowler's shoes.  (These later turn out to be of extraterrestrial origin.)
 
GM:  They smell odd to you, like a mix of that orange bathroom spray and diesel exhaust.
HB:  What you're saying is, they smell like shitrus.
 
Nexus tries to talk to Fowler's spirit, but he's not being cooperative.
 
Fowler:  Fowler, Stewart.  Lieutenant.  Serial number 365658288.
Nexus:  You do know you're dead, right?
Fowler:  Doesn't matter.  Col. Drake doesn't hold with capes.
Nexus:  But I'm not wearing a cape.  Well, I do wear a hoodie, so I guess that's close.
 
Nexus' player fails two Conversation rolls, so I'm forcing her to play out the questioning.  Because of the team's mind link, I'm allowing the other players to feed her some questions and comments.
 
Nexus:  What's up with the sand in your shoes?  Were you in another dimension recently?
Fowler:  Ha!  You can't make me tell you anything about our new base!
 
Nexus:  Why would the New Gods have killed you?
Fowler:  Maybe because they're a**holes.  I mean, Zeus won't break Col. Drake out of prison.  Heck, Zeus has Col. Drake's mind engrams.  They're practically brothers!
 
Nexus eventually convinces the spirit to take Just Cause to the portal where he accessed the other dimension, but they discover that someone has already stripped out all the equipment, leaving only bare wires hanging down.
 
Maker:  Is there any way I can use that to reverse-engineer the portal technology?
GM:  Imagine you find a car.  You pop the hood to find that someone has removed the entire engine, leaving behind a few hose connections, wires, and the linkage to the drivetrain.  Do you think you could rebuild the engine from that?
Maker:  Guess not.
 
The heroes learn the names and home cities of a few other staunch Cadmus loyalists, and finds all of them dead, apparently killed at the hands of New Gods.  So they go to the prison where Col. Drake is incarcerated to have a talk with him.  But Circe is afraid to use her telepathy on him.
 
Circe:  What if they have psionic detectors?  They'll lock me up.
Shadowboxer:  This isn't Stronghold, or a PRIMUS base. 
GM:  Still, you never know.  Only one way to find out.
Circe:  (to Maker)  Is there any way you can build a device to check whether they have psionic detectors?
GM:  You mean a psionic detector detector?
 
Maker builds one, and scans the prison -- failing her first PER roll.
GM:  You're pretty sure there are no psionic detectors there.
She tries again, and fails again.
GM:  You're very confident that there are no psionic detectors anywhere on the prison grounds.
 
She makes try #3, and still fails her PER roll.
GM:  You are absolutely positive there are no psionic detectors.  Circe is completely safe!  (aside to Shadowboxer)  There actually aren't any psionic detectors in the prison, but it's fun to make her sweat.
 
Col. Drake proves less than helpful when asked questions by Nexus, Maker, and Honey Badger, but Circe is snooping into his surface thoughts.
 
Nexus:  Why would Zeus be ordering the deaths of troopers loyal to you?  He has your mind after all.
Drake:  (aloud)  I'm afraid I can't help you there.
Drake:  (thinking)  Zeus?  We never built a Zeus.  Must be something new.  But with my mind?  I mean, sure, we made a copy of my mind to be downloaded into a New God body in case I died or was killed.  But someone would have to be an idiot to do that with me still alive.  The bioform would see me as a threat...
 
(to be continued)

Taco shop owners mock burglars caught on camera
 

Geminids this weekend. Wear a helmet!

That fits well to a previous Idea a had way back, just a small adaption for the pupeteer part was nessesary:
 
A few Heroes and many villains use fear as one of thier primary tools. And what could be more fearfull then the Grim Reaper itself? While this isn't the actually grim reaper (if he even exists), this is a close second.
 
At some point in an alternate future the Trinity of Destruction - Urzanel, Azranel and Enranel - was fused back into the single* blade they originally were. A weapon capable of cutting life, machine and magic equally effortlessly, without the need of learning how to override it's limiting targetting ability. However even thier combined might prooved insufficient to overcome a great evil. So the then wielder of it* - a Grand grand daughter of Armin - travelled back in time to make sure it would not come to pass again.
 
For her the sword(s) manifested as the oddest weapon so far - a giant reaper puppet that she controls via strings:
Each wielder of the 3 blades suffered from the weapon influencing thier personality. But only for her this conflict is directly obvious in the real world. When activating her power she somehow "splits" off part of her personality from the rest. That split part takes on the form of the reaper and is affected by the swords influence exclusively. The strings controlling it are a manifestation of the struggle between the original personality and the influence of the blades.
 
Oddly enough the re-fused blade is overlooked by the other 3 blades. In turn it* wants to destroy all 3. Along with the rest of the universe. Then the rest of the Multiverse. Then all other multiverses in all other timelines. Then time itself. Then several things that are even more fundamental then time, timelines and Verses, that humans have no words for yet.
Yes, this blade was split appart for a reason. And one can only hope it* is split up again soon, before it get's a host not ready for it....
 
 
*The weapon lacks a name. It somehow destroys any name given to it that is more precise then "it" (including any descriptive naming), the second it is named by it. You can still use the word or phrase. In fact you can use that as the swords name again once. Just the fact that you refered to the weapon as such is "lost" from reality the moment you do so.

Well, cladistically speaking, humans ARE fish - highly derived, air-breathing tetrapod, bony fish.

D&D 5th Ed. - AKA Shadowrun With The Serial Numbers Filed Off
 
The Shadowrun game imploded because we've executed or refuse to work for certain essential NPCs, and because everybody had interesting backstories they weren't getting to use. Instead we're playing D&D 5th Ed., and The Lost Mine of Phandelver, the same adventure two of us have already played. Most of us are good enough to ignore player knowledge, but knowing this group of players the plot will go off the rails within minutes anyway. At least we have an appropriate backdrop - a ferocious lightning storm.

Ewen's player: I'm still waiting for the lightning to flash behind me as I gesture dramatically.

A party of deeply suspect and eccentric individuals has been hired to escort supplies to a mining camp.
 
 
Heather McKnight - Paladin, who got sick of waiting for a knight in shining armour and set out to find one of her own.
Ewen Douglas - Batman to Heather
Dirty Franz - Hobo and cart driver
Jurgen - Muscle. Mercenary Swordman & Enforcer
Salazar - Rogue legbreaker, tiefling  

Me: So apart from the tiefling, we're all human?
Ewen: Well, I glow in the dark sometimes, but it's only obvious at night.

On why people are nastier when they have online anonymity

Ewen's player: People don't get punched in the face as often, so they keep doing it

GM: You're in a 20x20 room. There's an orc guarding a cake. You want the cake - what do you do? Just kidding...
Heather: I was all ready to start roleplaying to that! Are you starting your campaign on a lie?

Heather: I'm not going anywhere with someone that smells like you!
Dirty Franz: .... Dirty Franz smells better than the donkeys...
Salazar: Very slightly.
Heather: Go drive the cart over there, downwind. Oh god, the wind changed.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz can drive the cart behind you.
Heather: You are a very intelligent man.
Dirty Franz: *attempts a nervous smile*
Heather: Now look at that, what a smile, a smile that could crack glass. .... that smile will haunt my dreams tonight.

Dirty Franz: It's not garbage night tonight, Dirty Franz can take all your stuff.
Heather: And apparently we're paying you in potato peels.
Dirty Franz: I had a potato once...

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz will make sure cart is nice and clean for pretty lady.
Heather: *still holding nose* You're a good man, Franz, a good man *pats Franz on shoulder*
Dirty Franz : And then put shirt back on again.
Heather: *snatches hand back*
Jurgen: You touched him, your problem.

GM: You're halfway to Phandalin when the smell you've been dealing with changes.
Heather: Oh god, the wind changed.
GM: There's a dead horse in the road.

Heather: *to Jurgen* You need plate armour. It's nothing personal, it's just... not plate. Plus I suspect you're not noble. Or a knight.
Salazar: *snickers*

And just like the last time I played this scenario, it's an ambush by goblins. Who get ambushed by us.

Ewen: Congratulations! You get to be on fire.

Heather: Cop this, ya gobshite! *misses* Fooking Hell!

Jurgen: *comes back out of bushes, goblin brains dripping of his war-pick*
Dirty Franz: If you keep picking it, it'll never heal.

Dirty Franz's contribution was hurling a bag of flour into the bushes, which missed.

Heather: Who threw that bomb?
Dirty Franz: *holds up hand cautiously*
Heather: Are you some kind of alchemist?
Dirty Franz: ... just flour...
Salazar: So you smell bad AND you're weird.

Off to rescue our employer.

Heather: I can make food for us - oh, wait, no I can't, until next level.
Dirty Franz: *waits until everybody is looking at him and flashes his filthy coat open, revealing bags of flour and assorted cooking implements on hooks* Dirty Franz is wizard of the kitchen.
Heather: You're one creepy but effective individual! Glad to have you on board. And downwind.

Heather: I want you out in front, you daft bastard.
Jurgen: That sounds awfully like putting me out in front to be attacked.
Salazar: I'll bring up the rear, behind Heather.
Heather: Pervert.

Salazar: Saw a trap once that yanked your hand in, held it there, and stabbed you with poison. Poor bastard. Took him three hours to die.

Salazar: I tend to shun bright lights. Except when I don't, and then it's a hooded lantern right in their face.

Heather: Stealthy people advance, non-stealthy people to the left. *steers Franz by his shoulders off into cover*

The goblin guards don't know what hit them, despite Heather lobbing a glowing stone into the cave mouth to get their attention.

Salazar: I retrieve my dagger.
Dirty Franz OoC: From the one you pinned to the wall by the head.

Salazar: I know I've got a bag of ball bearings here...
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz has three.
Salazar: *gives Franz a baffled look*
Dirty Franz OoC: At the very least a bagful of ball bearings to the face will really slow someone down.
Salazar OoC: Yeah, but you get a penalty. I'm used to sneaky tricks like that.

Salazar: Wait, I've got TWO crowbars?
Heather OoC: You can Double Freeman.

The bugbear isn't going to know what hit him either, since we manage to completely infiltrate the cave without anybody noticing us ghosting past.

Dirty Frank OoC: No big exclamation marks appear.

GM: Two of your characters are Stealth-based.
Heather: I nearly did too.
Weldun: Wait... we stopped playing Shadowrun and we all made shadowrunners?

Salazar: So.. a club is a stick, and a mace is a stick with a bad attitude... and a morningstar is a stick on the way to a BDSM party.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz has a rock.
Heather: Good for you!
Dirty Franz: ... it's a shiny rock.

Ewen: Is this the first bugbear in history that doesn't have minions?
Dirty Franz OoC: He DID
Heather OoC: But he just finished yelling at them and telling them to get back to work.
Salazar: Intelligence check for the minions, to see if they come back.

Salazar OoC: Dirty Franz better do something more useful than throwing a flour bomb, or he's going to find himself with his throat cut.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz still has his shiny rock *casts Tasha's Hideous Laughter*
Bugbear: *fall helpless with laughter and is swiftly exterminated*
Salazar: Wait, what just happened?
Ewen: It was the wizard.
All: What??? *turn to stare at Franz*
Dirty Franz: *looks nervous and carefully stows his shiny rock back under his filthy coat*
Salazar: That's a wizard? Wait, I thought wizards were all 'I HAVE ROBES AND AM MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU BECAUSE I HAVE A TINY PENIS!'

Heather: *mimicking the Bugbear* COME BACK AND LOOK AT ME!
Dirty Franz OoC: How does a tiny Scots woman mimic a bugbear?
Ewen OoC: Lots of Scotch.
Salazar OoC: She's an unholy blend of two redheads - Merida and Princess Fiona.

GM: The stores are the usual food, supplies -
Dirty Franz OoC: Elf porn, lingerie...

GM: .. and a tiny statuette of a frog, with golden eyes.
Dirty Franz Ooc: It's the Hypnotoad
All: WHOoooOOooooOOOoooooMMMMM

Dirty Franz stays as far away from the falling water as possible.

Heather: I'm not even remotely surprised.

Salazar: Simple rule, Franz - If the moon is full, it's time to have a bath.
Ewen: 'I must destroy the moon!'
All: MOOOOOON!

Ewen uses Prestidigitation to dry out the slick wet cliff-face.

Salazar: Prestidigitation - also known as 'Least Wish'

GM: There are a dozen unwashed goblins around a cooking fire.
Salazar: I wonder why they make the distinction between washed and unwashed.
Ewen: Occasionally they fall in the river.

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz has idea *giggles* Have you ever thrown flour onto a fire?
Salazar: Yes. You get a snuffed out fire a burned bread smell.
Dirty Franz: *sags*

Salazar: Jurgen, you remember that time at the bar? With the six goblins hiding behind a table? *runs up, lifts the table high in the air, and hits them with it*

Interrogating the captive.

Salazar: I should have taken 'gagged Common' as my second language. I've heard it enough.

Potential new characters, such the dwarf that might be joining the party.

Ewen: 'Beardfist Fistbeard, the greatest of dwarfs'

We've just rescued one of our fellow employees from a cave full of goblins, without the goblins even noticing us going in and out.

Dirty Franz: Maybe they're used to their bugbear boss launching into hysterical laughter for no reason.

GM: Well, I'm not hitting you with a Gelatinous Cube in the middle of the wilderness.
Dirty Franz: Didn't you know? Gelatinous Cubes are migratory. Every year they ooze down to Mexico and gather on mountaintops. Then the next year they fly back.
Heather: I think you're confusing them with birds.
Jurgen: No, that's monarch butterflies.
Salazar: Wait, what?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz is about to have a random encounter with monarch butterflies.

Me: I've never actually seen any episodes of Jem and the Holograms.
Heather: That's truly outrageous.

GM: Suddenly, Gnolls!
Dirty Franz: Noels? What's Noel's? I don't know any Noels.
Heather: Positions!
Salazar: Lying down in the back of the cart because I'm a lazy bastard.
Heather: ... up front sitting next to Franz. Unwisely.
Ewen: Swinging my legs off the back of the cart.

GM: A arrow flies past the front of your head!... and a second one flies past the back.
Dirty Franz: The Gelatinous Cubes are migrating fast this year.

GM: Don't worry Drhoz, these are the bad kind of gnolls.
Salazar's player: So, Vitus' kind of people?
Me: Eh, Vitus considers himself a perfectly agreeable person.
Salazar's player: That doesn't make it true.

GM: And the gnoll archers target....
Ewen: The really dangerous one that just cut somebody's head off.
Jurgen: True.
Salazar: I'm just nasty and vicious *repeatedly backstabbing a gnoll*

Heather: That one's busy stabbing the donkey.
Dirty Franz OoC: Just as long as he isn't Muffin the Mule.

Heather: I'm going to throw a javelin at one! Which just goes to show I have no sense of pattern recognition.

She actually manages to hit with it repeatedly.

Dirty Franz: It's your lucky javelin.
Heather: I'm going to call it Stabby!

Dirty Franz consistently fails to hit the closest gnoll.

Dirty Franz OoC: Possibly the gnoll keeps recoiling from the smell.

GM: In the pockets of the gnolls...
Ewen: .. we find 49 dead monks.
Heather: It's what they use for currency.
Jurgen: Snacks.

There's only a few rooms available in Phandalin.

Salazar: Bags not doubling with Franz.

Innkeeper: I'm not a dwarf, I'm just short.
Heather: It's ok, I'm 5ft 2 myself.
Dirty Franz: Pretty lady will always be big in Dirty Franz's eyes.
Heather: .. Thanks, Franz... that's.. phrasing.

There's a paper notice nailed to a post, seeking experienced adventurers and healers.

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz always on lookout for scraps of paper.

Salazar: Here's my test for experience. I stab you once. If you survive you're hired. If you die I loot your corpse.

Before long, Heather is table dancing in the pub. Salazar relaxes with his feet up on a table.

Salazar: Things are looking up.

Heather introduces the party to the dragonborn Strun Bah Qu, who's looking for a party to join.

Heather: And that one out in the yard playing with the donkey is Franz.
Jurgen: Franz! Stop that!

Troublemakers in cheaply died red leather.

Dirty Franz: Probably leaves pink marks on his arms and legs as he moves.

Drunken Red Brand lout: Oi! You big Kobold! Get out of here before you get a sword stuck in your throat!
Heather OoC: Wow. He really wants a blowjob. We've walked into the most violent gay bar in town.

Salazar throws a knife to pin the lout's arm to something.

Ewen: Like his arm, to his other arm.

Dirty Franz: Problem with their leather armour is they didn't soak it in urine long enough. Franz will help.

The lout survives Ewen's first spell.

Heather: Wow, maybe they are actually tough.
Dirty Franz OoC: Up until we showed up, they were probably the biggest thugs in town.

Salazar: That's why Dirty Franz is so poor - he spends all his money on My Little Pony memorabilia.
GM: You should see his Rarity body pillow.

The Red Brand louts retreat to get reinforcements and swearing revenge.

Ewen: Thank you for this information.
Salazar: I recover my knife and follow them.

Heather drags the original lout out of the pub and throws him in the horse trough.

Heather: When you fish him out, Franz, try to give yourself a bit of a wash.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz is allergic to water.
Heather: Ah, but this isn't water - it's magical cleaning grease!
Ewen: I can always clean him with Prestidigitation. Hang about, you have Prestidigitation, Franz - what's your excuse?
Dirty Franz: ... Dirty Franz is not a godly man.

Salazar waits for them to leave the ruined mansion, and heads in to rob them blind while they're out. The others wait for them to come back to the pub, and lurk at a nice steep slope with Grease Spells, Area of Effect fire spells, and so on.

Ewen: We can grease the alley, let them all slide down into the horse trough.
Dirty Franz: And then Strun can Thunderwave them back up again.

Heather: What does the guy in the horse trough look like?
Dirty Franz: Well, his armour is pink now.

Heather poses as him and lures the louts into our ambush. It works as well as we could have hoped.

Heather: Proceed with the murderizing.
Dirty Franz: You could always strip them naked and paddle them through town.
Heather: Yeah, but that sounds like work.

Strun : And then I Sacred Flame them.
Heather: It's a useful spell, we find.
Ewen: I've got a lot of mileage out of that one.

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz and his donkey will put out the fire. *unzips*
Heather: Good ma- oh god, put it away!

Salazar finds evidence of monsters at the mansion.

Salazar: I'm backing out - I'm not here for a fight. I'm here to loot!
Ewen OoC: But if this were a computer game it'd be 'hit Save, BANZAI!!!!!!!!'

Salazar does run into an invisible mage. Who proceeds to slip on Salazar's ball bearings, fall down a flight of stairs, and get punched to death by Salazar waiting at the bottom.

Ewen: His Concentration Lobe is over there now.
Dirty Franz: That's funny, he had a large Bump of Attentiveness.

Salazar: And that's why it sometimes pays to let a party member go off by themselves.
Ewen: Yes, they come back with fun stories and cool stuff.
Salazar: I bring presents.
Heather: Nice! And these guys had chain mail.
Salazar: Sweet! They had a pet.
Dirty Franz: What kind of pet?
Salazar: I dunno. It was big, it was purple, it had one eye. I didn't hang around.

Heather: Are you evil?
Salazar: I like to think of myself as differently motivated.

At least Heather can still detect certain kind of monster, even if she can't Detect Evil. The thing in the mansion basement is certainly that kind of monster. It's also been digging a trench.

Ewen: It's digging for China.
Dirty Frank: Dirty Frank is aficionado of fine porcelian.
Heather: Well, we can't let anybody do evil home renovations around here, it'll lower the house values.

GM: How long did it take you to pick up all those ball bearings?
Heather: You know what would make it quicker? Cantrip! And it looks like he had a 'can-trip' of his own.
Salazar: *facepalm*

Eye Monster: (Telepathically) Interlopers! Why are you here? You are not Red Brand!
Heather: I bring these fools to you, master!
Salazar: Well, THAT'S a good way to get yourself shanked.

The eye monster isn't fooled by Heather's bull-shitting. It doesn't like it. It doesn't like getting a scimitar driven through it's single eye into the brain, either.

Salazar: Eh, I still think it was my noogie that weakened it.

Treasure includes a longsword that Ewen wants checked for magic. He waves it at Dirty Franz.

Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz already has long sword.... at least, that what Franz's woman-friend back in city said...
Heather: Oh gods...
Salazar: I did not need to hear that!

GM: In this world wizards started putting labels on their potions.
Dirty Franz: Started after those child protection laws came into effect. Potion bottles all come with child-proof tops these days.

The party proceeds to wipe out everything else in the ruined manorhouse, with minor conversational asides about such things as Heather's strap-on sword.

Salazar: And if she hits you with that, you're really fucked.

A fourth mage gets slaughtered before he realises what's happening. Jurgen decapitates him with a simultaneous scimitar scissor strike.

Heather: We went in there to back him up against a wizard, and found them standing around a red water feature.
Salazar: OK, the scissor action I understand, but what was the last hit for?
Strun : Style.

And we find a letter indicating that the Red Brands or their mage allies knew we were coming.

Heather: 'you know that group of murder-hoboes that are about to arrive in town? Maybe you should kidnap them.'

It's always nice to have retroactive justification for pre-emptive self-defence.

D&D 5th Ed. - Dealing With A Dragon
 
One final (as I've said so many times so far) loose end at the village of Phandalin, before we can head off to the simple pleasures of the Temple of Elemental Evil. The loose end in question is the green dragon Venomfang, who Lamech conned into moving house to Wyvern's Tor. Unfortunately, word has come to us that he's not only been scouting the entire region, but he seems to be building an alliance with the surviving hobgoblins from the Cragsmoor ruins. This is disastrous - such an alliance would completely dominate the trade route to the east. He's going to have to go.

How, then, to kill a dragon?

Kerak: Are there enough locals that we can use some as red shirts?
GM: Yes
Kerak: Sacrificing minions - is there nothing it cannot do?

Kerak: Well, there is something we can do with those Red Brand prisoners. Pump them full of opiates and stake them out for the dragon to eat.
Urlon: NO.

It's true the prisoners are going to be hanged for extortion, etc. Some of the PCs object, on the grounds that the death penalty isn't warranted on this case anyway.

Lamech: Wait, we're only hanging people for murder now? When did that happen?

Urlon: We've got enough troops here now the dragon won't be stupid enough to attack us.
Lamech: Excuse me? *Adolescent* dragon. Young, dumb, and full of cu-
GM: Yes yes, we get the idea.

Various interested parties and troops from Waterdeep have been arriving at the village, now the little matter of the Lost Mine of Phandelver has been resolved. If they weren't going to be any good to us by turning up wen we needed them, perhaps they can be of use now?

Kerak: If you could send some troops with us.
Urlon: Archers would be good.
Sildar Hallwinter of Waterdeep: Yes, well, if I had an army we could destroy the castle, burn down the forest, and wipe out the threat that way.
Lamech: Ahem - Druids present.
Urlon: Rangers too.

Kerak: As long as the Cragmoor ruins are there they'll keep attracting hobgoblins and orcs to live in them.
Urlon: I don't mind.
Sildar: I know YOU don't. Incidentally, the village headsman has asked if you can stop punching any half-orcs that get in your way.

Urlon: I've been leading the group, I suppose.
Lamech: And I've been providing comic relief.

Perhaps we can reduce tensions in Phandalin by getting our half-orc allies to take over the Cragsmoor ruins instead? It is a prime location, after all. This seems acceptable, as do our attempts to weasel every volunteer, potions of poison resistance, dwarven sappers etc from everybody that owes us a favour.

GM: The troops are camping out at what they're already calling Hobshead Cross - that intersection where you kept putting hobgoblin heads on stakes.

Kavorog: I can keep secrets.
Lamech: Yes, we know - we still haven't found out exactly what you did to that kobold.

How to kill the dragon without facing the pointy and poisonous end? Lure him into a pit trap by posing as dragon cultists again, and yelling that a Xorn is eating his hoard?

Druid: Green dragons can breath underwater, but as far as I know they can't breath under dirt. So your plan has some merit.

Kerak brings up the drugged-prisoner-as-bait idea again.

Druid: Or you can just stuff them with poison. Are you serious?
Kerak: Sure. It saves you on the cost of an execution, and kills the dragon. Problem solved.
Druid: Well, it's ecologically sound, but DOES violate the tenets of Good.
Elethandiel: Or we can just go berserk and try to kill it.
Lamech: Well, you can go in first.

Urlon: The treasure we leave there as bait could be used to rebuild the town.
Kerak: Dude, I'm a dwarf, I know, it hurts.
Urlon: Well, we could leave it in there a hundred years and come back for it after the dragon's dead.
Kerak: True, we'll both live that long.

Lamech: I suggest building a deadfall trap, and once the lintel or whatever lands on its neck we shove every sword and spear we have up his clacker.
Kerak: Works for me.

Assistant Druid: Owl for you, sir.
Kerak: Hedwig?

Our party heads out to Tor, where our scouts report odd activity.

Half-orc Scout: There's a bunch of humans camped out there.
Kerak: Are they wearing cloaks and dragon masks?
Half-orc Scout: Funny you should say that.
Kerak: Fuuuuuuu-
Lamech: Oh fuck, it's the real dragon cultists.

Our half-orc allies circle around to attack from the flank, while we don our dragon cult costumes and march right in.

Kerak: Why doesn't your leader come out to meet us.
Cultist: Our doings take place in darkness, brother - if you ARE our brother.
Kerak: Look around you. The place is deserted. Who will see?
Lamech: *gestures to the dwarf to lean over, and slaps him across the head* Please excuse the acolyte - he imagines he knows our brotherhood better than his actual knowledge warrants. I'm sure our brothers of the scale know the tactical dangers of the area - despite it being attacked before. *gestures to the bloodstains from our previous visit, but fails his bluff*
Cultist: Wait. Here.
Kerak: When the cultist is facing the other way I slap Lamech back.
Lamech: That's fair.

Lamech is told to enter the cave. Kerak and Thorn bluster, but he turns to them - and away from the cultist - and gives the hand signal for 'One Minute'

Cult Leader: *using the Command spell* WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?
Lamech: *thankfully passing his save* SWORN BROTHER OF THE SCALE *starts as if reacting to the compulsion* Rude!

And then the PCs and half-orcs attack. Happily, this works, and we even manage to take some alive. How we'll spin this when Venomfang gets back from hunting remains to be seen...

Lamech: Right - first things first. Thorn, plant a symbol of your Order of the Gauntlet on that dead cult leader over there. Now, let's wake up the first one.... Hi there. We're going to have to ask you some questions, but we've got a problem. People tell me enhanced interrogation is an evil act. So what we're going to do, is that us three are going out for a bit, and Kavarog here is going to show you what he did to that kobold.
Kavorog: *leers* Keep the dragon mask on.

Despite all the screaming, the cultist doesn't crack.

Lamech: Ah well. Gag him and tie him up, then wake up the next one. Hi there. Let me introduce you to my friend with the axe here. He calls it Moses. Can you guess why?
Cultist: .... no?
Lamech: Because it's going to part you like the Red Sea.

This doesn't work either. Fortunately, cultist three promptly blabs how the real cultists had been forewarned about our duplicity, and had been preparing to capture us for Lord Venomfang.

Lamech: Fool! Your own cult leaders were the traitors! You! Brother Thorn! Search that body for proof!
Thorn: Ah, this is a symbol of the Order of the Gauntlet!

The cultist has now been successful convinced that his own friends were the actual traitors, and that they were intending to lure Venomfang into a trap. He also explains how they were supposed to signal to Venomfang once they had captured us. We get him to do so, and warn him he better have a good excuse for his stupidity when the dragon arrives.

Unfortunately for us, Venomfang is no fool, and sends in more minions to confirm that THIS isn't a trap. A blue dragonborn knight (the one the Many Arrows orcs were themselves hunting), and a small army of normal and winged kobolds.

Lamech: Venomfang has obviously been networking furiously for the last few weeks.

Most of us fail to notice that this dragonborn is unusually draconic in his features. He is, in fact, a half-dragon.

Kavorog: I'm too busy looking at his butt.

Even after the Blue Knight get his kobolds to carry out all our carefully arranged loot from the cave, and bring out the bound and gagged prisoners, we still try to get him down here to walk under the deadfall. Perhaps Kavorog can lure the other scaley stud into the cave, and thereby prove it's safe? He does so, although his seduction efforts are risible, and Venomfang lands on the Tor, but still doesn't enter the cave.

Lamech: Now that Lord Venomfang is here you might want to tuck it into your pants for a bit.

Our triple-crossed cultist attempts to beg for his life, and gets decapitated by Venomfang, who goes on to use the others as glove puppets.

Lamech: Well, they were going to get executed anyway, getting eaten by the dragon is just karma.

Our druid ally, lurking in the woods, realises that the plan is falling apart, and attempts to entangle the dragon in rapidly growing vines etc. He evades it, and the fight is on!

Lamech attempts a Sleep spell against the dragon, which doesn't work. Kavorog tries the same against the Blue Knight, who had just pushed Kav into the ravine while yelling "It's a trap!"

GM: So you're trying to Sleep the knight, or sleep WITH the knight?
Kavorog: ..... either, or.

Kavorog: I attempt to grapple the Blue Knight.
Lamech: I bet you do.

Lamech: Maybe we can polymorph him? I knew a cleric that polymorphed himself once. Wilfric the Obese. He fell down a well and became a Deep Fat Friar.
All: *pause in mid battle to stare at Lamech in utter disgust*

The Druid, in desperation, summons lightning and ice storms to try and take the dragon and half-dragon down, despite the risk of collateral slaughter.

Lamech: Fair enough. I'M in cover anyway.
Urlon: Pity about the two dragonborn.

Kavorog: If the half-dragon survives the next round I'm going to heroically save him.
Lamech: Hurt/Comfort slashfic, is it?

The dragon and half-dragon get away, despite the PCs efforts to ensure they don't become recurring villains, and Kavorog's efforts to ensure the half-dragon hottie doesn't actually die.

Lamech: Well, we should send a message to Phandalin 'Um, we didn't manage to kill the dragon, it's your problem now'.

GM: Rangers can track elementals, although how you track Earth Elementals escapes me.
Lamech: Seismometers.

Black Crusade : The Sixteenth Arcana
 
Moored in the Ragged Helix asteroid belt, the Obsidian Resolve is undergoing extensive repairs - but being hereteks and madmen the PCs aren't going to be satisfied with mere nuts and bolts. Instead, Digna wants to use Warpcraft to cannibalise other ships.

Digna: I need your help with a ritual.
Eniek: What ritual?
Digna: I don't think the ritual exists yet.
Eniek: You have my attention.
Digna: I want to take the Obsidian Resolve to a starship graveyard, and 'fleshcraft' the parts to turn our ship into a Cruiser.
Eniek: You had my attention. Now you have my interest.

Eniek: I'm fine with all of you being dedicated to Slaneesh, I'd rather not live a ship altered to suit same.
GM: Indeed. You don't want a ship that will suddenly decide to ***** ** **** ****** **** the people in the corridors.
Digna: Even if they'd enjoy it.

Skerrit is absent this session - he's still recovering from the broken spine and fractured pelvis Jrska gave him, while Eniek was busy reading the Liber Ex Mortis they stole from the Inquisition's archives. It turns out to be a detailed study of the Chaos God of Decay and Rebirth, Nurgle. Eniek is a bit annoyed about this - there's no point fleshcrafting on a planetary scale if 90 percent of the population succumbs to hideous disease and necrosis immediately after.

Digna: Eniek was busy doing this while I was plowing Jrska. And she was plowing me.
Daniels: ....
GM: There was much agriculture going on.
Digna: It was a nice agricultural exchange.

Eniek: I need a population to experiment on.
Digna: We just picked up 7000 slaves.
Eniek: Do you need all of them?

They do manage to stop most of the crew from being lured away to the fleshpots of the Helix, also a few members of the crew do bring a few doxies back on board, and end up a conjoined bubbling pink slime plastered over three walls of a cargo deck antechamber.

GM: You're not quite sure what they were doing, but evidently they enjoyed it.
Daniels: Is this one of Eniek's experiments?
Digna: We should ask.
Daniels: Is this yours? No? Do you want them?
Eniek: Eh - I don't like people's sloppy seconds.

Despite their existing talent at Warpcraft, they decide to consult an expert in combining the Warp with technology - to whit, a Warsmith of the Iron Warriors traitor marine legion, who happens to be at the Ragged Helix trying to acquire supplies, and who is being frustrated by the way the Slaaneshi lords of the Helix keep getting distracted. Worse, Digna acquired half the stuff he was after first, since she has Jrska's favour.

Digna: First come, first served. And I came first.

Digna: Who's on your shit list? I need a message delivered, and I don't mind if the reply comes back with his body.

They send the petty officer that should have prevented the pink slime incident. Digna accurately predicts the meeting - the Warsmith grabbing the messenger by the throat and bellowing something about Digna's audacity, while the unfortunate individual croaks out something about Digna sending a gift with her request for a meeting. The gift is some of the gene-seed they acquired from the space marines on Scintilla. Extremely valuable, since it's uncorrupted by Chaos, and most progenoid glands that get to the Ragged Helix end up on somebody's dinner plate as a delicacy (much to the fury of the traitor legions).

Digna dresses her best for the meeting.

Digna: It's still red Mechanicus robes. Just nothing else. And they're a bit see-through.

Daniels: 'Damn, she's built.'
GM: Space Marines don't care about that.
Digna's player: No, no, no, she's BUILT. Nine levels of the Best Quality Machine Trait.

Warsmith: May I enquire as to the scale of you project?
Eniek: Capital.
Warsmith: *blinkenlights*
Digna: Thanks. I love nailing a description with one word.

Digna also has other goods to trade - six more Progenoid Glands

GM: His enhanced eyebrows climb off the top of his head.

Eniek wants to show off his own project - that space marine librarian that he turned into a living anatomical mural.

GM: 'Moisturise me! Moisturise me!'

Eniek: I can wake him up if you want.

Next up, acquiring everything they need, and trying to prevent the Warp from horrendously twisting the end result, or infecting the Obsidian Resolve's cogitator cores, engines, and bridge.

Eniek: The ship's soul, heart and mind.
Daniels: You're treating the ship like it's alive.
Digna: We have to, for this ritual to work.

One complication - even the wreckage of ships is in short supply at the moment. Jrska and her colleagues are on something of a shipbuilding spree, as part of their plans to carve up large swathes of the Calixis Sector. And the wreckage they do head out to cannibalise is already being towed by a Khornate raider fleet. The Khornate leader attempts to scare the PCs off, and escalates to a challenge. Natural Eniek, who is the kind of combat monster GMs dread, is delighted by this.

Digna: This is Digna. One lawn-chair to the arena. I repeat - one lawn-chair to the arena.

The Khornate champion, who at some point had most of his lower face burnt down to the bone, is accompanied by a retinue of berserkers. Half the Obsidian Resolve's crew turns up to watch Eniek curbstomp them.

Digna: Ladies! Gentlemen! And those of us blessed with a certain gift of Slaneesh! In the blue corner, our very own Ghost In the Flesh! In the red corner, Sargim Baak of the Iron Skulls! And now, without any further ado - the match between the Enigmatic Eniek and Barbeque Baak!

Despite the fact Baak was a khornate space marine armed with with a deamonically infused weapon, Eniek takes him apart. And does the same to the retinue of berserkers, who go berserk. This is great news for Digna - the buckets of gore splashed around the place will make the perfect finishing touch to that sword she's been forging.

Eniek: And now I walk back to the lawn-chair and finish my drink.

The ritual itself proceeds without incident, mostly because of the precautions the heretics took to prevent any passing deamons taking an interest, but does leave the ship haunted by the 1001 people they sacrificed to fuel the transformation. Their screaming faces leer out of walls and bulkheads all over the ship, and move when the crew aren't looking.

Digna: *waves* Aren't you a little cutie? Shame we got rid of you.

And as Digna's player puts it "So here she is, in all her Glory. Like an interstellar ghoul, she has feasted on the ship-flesh on the fallen and been reborn to sow terror and discord among the mewling masses of the Corpse-God."

The bulk of the adventure started with Pop Tart contacting Honey Badger about something that was most likely beyond Snak Attak!'s capabilities.  (Snak Attak! is a group of Boston College students, some with low-level powers and some with no real powers at all, who patrol the BC area to reduce crime and protect other BC students.) 
 
Two BC students (Geoff Weaver and Melanie Wong) have been missing for most of a week, both last seen at Great Scott, a bar/club popular with BC students.  Whopper and Twizzler asked around and found out Weaver left with a "Goth chick," while Wong was last seen with a "scary Goth guy."  Nerds hacked the traffic cameras and saw all four of them leaving the bar in a dark BMW, but the license plate on it that night was registered to an Escalade.  He tried tracking it via other traffic cameras but lost it around Beacon and Mass.  The teen heroes were having no success getting further on it until this morning when some guy (not matching the Goth guy's description) flagged down an ambulance and handed over Melissa Wong, unconscious and near death.
 
Honey Badger:  (to Circe)  You're coming with me to the hospital.  If she's still unconscious, we may need you to tiptoe through her tulips.  (to Malarky)  If the hospital doesn't want to cooperate with us, you may need to hack into their records.
Malarky:  Invasion of mental privacy.  Illegally accessing HIPAA records.  The offenses just keep racking up, don't they?
 
Honey Badger:  What takes this outside your ability?
Pop Tart:  She was almost completely drained of blood and had a series of puncture wounds on her neck.  In pairs.
Honey Badger:  Ah.  Vampires.  Got it.
 
Since Honey Badger is the only member of Just Cause who actually went through the official rigamarole needed to work directly with the BPD and PRIMUS, the cop at Wong's room will only let him in, not Circe.
 
Cop:  I'm sorry, but those are the rules.
Circe:  That's okay.  I can wait here.
(She stands at the doorway, so the officer closes the door to Wong's room)
Circe:  Humph.  (OOC)  Fine, I go down the hall and pretend to talk on my cell phone, while I establish a Mind Scan link to the girl.
 
Honey Badger smells something that's mildly familiar but he can't quite place it.  Eventually he tracks it to the closet in the room, where they've bagged the clothing that Wong was wearing when she was found.  (GM Note:  I realized after the fact that these should have been taken by the police.  Mea culpa.)
 
GM:  It's Sybaris by Antonio Puig.  A Spanish cologne.
HB:  How did the ambulance driver describe the guy that flagged him down and dropped her off?
GM:  Swarthy complexion.  Long dark hair.  In the EMT's eloquent words, his accent was "Spanish-ish".
HB:  By any chance, would I have smelled this cologne before on, say, Jaguar?
 
Circe's read of the girl's mind is not clear due to her being kept drugged most of the time after she was grabbed.  However, she does catch glimpses of several vampires feeding on her, and a vague look at the room she's in, plus a brief bit where the swarthy guy leaned over her and whispered, "Don't worry, I'll get you out of here."
 
Not finding a local seller of Sybaris, the heroes have Malarky go into the company's online orders database...
 
Malarky:  "Internet crimes - that's an oldie but a goodie"
 
...but the most recent one they find shipped to the Boston area was before Jaguar's disappearance.  They do, however, use the company's shipping records to Millennium City, along with Circe's knowledge from the girl's memory of what the guy looked like, to tease out a likely secret ID for Jaguar.  From that, they find his flight into Boston several days ago, as well as his initial flight from Millennium City to Buenos Aires.
 
GM:  I didn't even write up notes on any possible ways for you guys to track down the vampires.  I figured, no matter what I came up with, you'd find some other way.  So why bother?
 
After a few dead ends, they figure out the identity of the Goth guy - a French national named Jean-Paul working at the Consul General for France in Boston.
 
Malarky:  Oh, great.  A diplomat. 
GM:  Are you hacking into the consulate computers to try and find out more about him?
Malarky:  Not quite yet.  I don't want to add "international incident" to my resume.
 
Eventually, they figure out that Jean-Paul is one of several consulate employees living at a place on Beacon Street.  I give them the map and they pull up the Google satellite view.
 
Nexus:  That part looks like a tower.  What is the place, a mansion?
GM:  Good guess.  It's called the Residences at Hooper Mansion.  They live in Unit 4, on this floor.  (points to street view on screen)  But on your recon, you see that all the curtains are closed.
Pops:  There's a surprise.
Malarky:  Yeah, those curtains will be coming down, first thing.
 
They figure out the boss vampire is Danielle du Coudray, a diplomat at the consulate.  Finally hacking into the consulate computers, Malarky learns that she came to Boston with 7 other French nationals, several of whom live with her at the Beacon street mansion.
 
Malarky:  Seven of them?!  What did they need Jaguar for?
Honey Badger:  Someone has to run errands during the day.
 
The players opt to go in sooner rather than later, planning a late afternoon assault.  Shadowboxer does his normal peek-through-shadows recon of the place to find where all the bad guys are located, and they settle on a plan:  Honey Badger will bash through the big bay window on the north side with Maker while the rest of the team teleports into the bedroom where Geoff Weaver is currently serving as a snack for a pair of vampires.
 
Malarky:  He should be able to open that all up... unless they have something on the other side of those curtains.
GM:  You mean like a sheet of armored steel, followed by another set of curtains on the inside?  (pause) Just, y'know, as an example.
 
Still, HB manages to do enough damage to open a fairly large hole in the armored steel and stands right in the middle of the sunlit area.  The two vampires he surprised quickly retreat to the sides of the room still in shadow.
 
HB:  What're you gonna do now, boys?  Come into the light to get me?
Vampires:  (pull out blaster pistols and take aim at him)
HB:  Guns?!  What are vampires doing with guns?!
 
The rest of the team teleports into the "feeding room" and begin taking out the two vampires there.  Mlle. du Coudray figures out that HB is a distraction and that the other heroes are probably rescuing the innocent, so she heads there, arriving about the same time that Pops teleports one of the lesser vampires outside.
 
GM:  With the thick stone walls and steel over the windows, you probably don't hear the vampire scream.  (rolls twin 6's on the vampire's 2d6 Susceptibility to direct sunlight)
Malarky:  I think we might have heard that scream.
du Coudray:  (in French, pointing at Pops)  Kill him!
Pops:  What?! I'm nothing to worry about!
Malarky:  I think you just made a whole lot of new friends.
 
 
Despite Pops being rendered unconscious, the heroes manage to literally take out all the vampires (leaving them in the sun to turn to ash) and render Jaguar unconscious to try and break du Coudray's mind control of him.  Circe uses her mental powers.
 
GM:  If you don't affect both human and animal minds, subtract 15 points.
Circe:  Wow, that's a lot!
GM:  Oh, wait, that's right.  He doesn't have any mental defense right now. 
Circe:  Why not?
GM:  The big bad drained it all away.  She has a magical item.  Malarky or Nexus can detect it.  It's called the Ruby of Rapture.
Malarky:  That's going to disappear before PRIMUS gets here.
GM:  Remember, you can't use it regularly unless you pay points for it. 
Malarky:  I'll get the points.
 
After Honey Badger takes a few selfies with a posed Jaguar, they call PRIMUS to sweep up the vampires.
 
Det. Williams:  (points to ash piles)  So, these are the vampires? 
Honey Badger:  Yep.
Det. Williams:  (to a pile of ash)  Looks like you need a bit higher SPF.

And now for last night's game.
 
The news items included a recap of last week's adventure; information on the disappearance of Jaguar, who had formed a new Champions team after the prior one disappeared in the Cross-Rip; the murder of a Saudi oil billionaire and the theft of his submersible yacht; and CLOWN disrupting the Millennium City Thanksgiving Parade and Black Friday sales.
 
Shadowboxer:  (OOC, pointing to a picture of the stolen submersible yacht)  That's cool, where did you get that?
GM:  (OOC)  Online; search for "Lover's Deep."  It's an actual vehicle.  Costs about $300,000 a night to rent, though.  (pause)  But I thought Lover's Deep didn't really fit for a supervillain vehicle so I changed it to Emerald Deep.
 
CLOWN disrupted the Thanksgiving Parade by dive-bombing it with live turkeys.  (Thankfully, each had a tiny parachute.)
 
Circe:  Nice to know CLOWN likes WKRP in Cincinnati.
 
The heroes made a perfunctory check into Jaguar's disappearance, since Honey Badger and Jaguar have a Rivarly.  But the actual adventure started with Shadowboxer (in his secret ID as PI Jack Black) getting hired to investigate a child's kidnapping, then dealing with some deviltry I had pulled on Nexus.  I apologize in advance for the long setup info.
 
Her backstory included her brother Mateus disappearing when he was a kid, and her mage father being unable to locate him.  Her father more recently disappeared, right after the Cross-Rip, following a lead on Mateus. 
 
I don't know if I posted about it before, but several months ago Nexus (who can see and speak with spirits) being lured by a ghost into going into an apartment, supposedly to save the ghost's daughter but she actually stepped through a portal to another dimension.  There, she met Charles Aching, a denizen of Drhoz's Call of Cthulhu campaign who in my campaign was responsible for giving Heavy Metal lyrics that allowed Road Kill to unwittingly summon mythos creatures to Earth.  He offered her a deal:  procure an item for him, in exchange for which he would bring her brother back home safe and sound.  The conditions were that she wasn't allowed to tell anybody about the deal, nor try to steal back the item nor assist in any way in taking it from him.  To my extreme surprise, she said yes. 
 
Since I had been positive she wouldn't make a deal with a demonstrably evil individual, I had run her encounter with him in front of the other players even though going to another dimension had broken her Mind Link with the rest of the team, since Nexus had allowed Circe to use Telepathy to replay her memories before.  So the players all knew she was compromised, but their characters didn't (though her lame reason for the Mind Link getting cut was enough to make Circe suspicious).  This was aggravated when Nexus mentioned Charles Aching when they were enroute to meet Paddy McGinty, and expressed way too much interest in McGinty's collection of books.  (She was to bring Aching an ancient tome that explained some of how the Great Old Ones were initially exiled from Earth.)
 
After the heroes found McGinty's book collection wrapped in oilskins and hidden behind the stones in the wall of the well behind the house he had left them, Nexus stole the book and returned to the apartment where she again stepped through to the other dimension to complete her deal with Aching.
 
Aching:   (sipping tea while jazz music plays on a wind-up Victorla) Ah, Isabela.  So good of you to come.  I see you've completed your part of the bargain. (She hands him the book, which he passes through a metal hoop causing it to disappear.)
Nexus:  Now, my brother.
Aching:  Of course.  Would you like some tea?
Nexus:  No thanks.  I don't want to have to pee and miss part of the spell.
 
Aching leads her back to a stone altar and stone slab set up with elements necessary for a powerful spell.
 
Aching:  The world Mateus ended up at has powerful barriers to prevent departure.  It will require similarly powerful elements to breach those barriers.  (claps his hands three times, and a bit later a star vampire floats up carrying a small girl bound with wire and gagged with tape)
Nexus:  (to both the GM and Aching)  You bastard.
 
Nexus rightly objects to the girl's potential sacrifice, so Aching offers some alternatives.
 
Aching:  You could simply release me from my part of the deal.  I assured you that you would be free to leave unharmed.  Of course, I'll keep the book.
Nexus:  Not really liking that option.  I want my brother back.
Aching:  Instead of the Blood of an Innocent, I could use the Blood of a Hero, Freely Given.  Specifically, yours.  (grins evilly)
Nexus:  I repeat.  You bastard.  Fine, we'll do that.  But I want all of my blood back that's not used in the ritual.
Aching:  (smiling slyly)  We'll amend our agreement to specify that the ritual to return your brother will use your blood, and that I will then turn over the cup with your blood to you after the ritual is complete.  Are there any other conditions you wish imposed?
Nexus:  I think that pretty much covers it.
Shadowboxer:  *cough*the girl*cough*
Nexus:  Oh, yeah.  And I'm taking the girl with me too.
Aching:  (still smiling smugly)  Of course, we'll add that to the agreement.
Nexus:  Wait, it won't take all my blood, will it?
Aching:  (laughs)  No, a few ounces should suffice.
 
He uses a ritual knife to cut Nexus' arm, collecting several ounces of her blood in a stone cup.  ("It is a rather lengthy and involved ritual.")  Sheathing that knife, he begins chanting and gesturing.  He then pulls out a (second) ritual knife, dipping it into the cup and using her blood to trace runes engraved in the stone slab as well as draw other symbols on the slab.  After a minute a portal appears, showing Mateus walking through a forest, and Nexus can sees a web of fine lines across it.  As the ritual progresses, lines light up and disappear.  Once the last one is gone, Aching gestures strongly and the portal passes over Mateus, causing him to appear on the stone slab (rather confused).
 
Mateus:  Izzy!  (hugs her)  You got me back!  I couldn't get past the barriers!  How did you do it?
Nexus:  Wait, how did you recognize me? 
Mateus:  Dad showed me a picture of you.  You're even more beautiful in person.  (hugs her again)
Nexus:  (glaring at Aching, who just smiles)  Dad was there too?
Mateus:  Of course.  He's still trapped there.  Whatever spell you did, let's start a new one so we can get him back.
Nexus:  I only made a deal to get you back.  I didn't know Dad was there.
Aching:  Perhaps we can make another deal...
Nexus:  (Expletives deleted)
 
Aching:  I'm sure you and your brother have much to catch up on, so I'll send you on your way.  (opens a portal for them to go home, with the little girl in tow)
 
After the Nexus re-establishes contact with her teammates and, deal complete, can explain what happened, she allows Circe to read her mind and replay her more recent encounter with Aching. 
 
Shadowboxer:  Wait, which book did you hand over to him?  (to the GM) Did I recognize it as one of the books from the well?
GM:  Yes.  It was the Liber Noctis Aeterae.  It explained how the Great Old Ones were exiled from Earth.
Circe:  Ah.  Yeah, for someone to bring them back it would help to know how they got sent away in the first place.
Shadowboxer:  (to Malarky)  We are putting some protections on the remaining books, right the **** now.
 
[Edited to include post-game quotes]
 
After Nexus' player had left, Malarky was thinking about her encounter with Aching.  After making a few skill rolls:
 
GM:  You realize that Aching very smoothly and carefully changed her demand to have all of her remaining blood returned to her, to specifying that the cup with its contents be turned over to her. 
Malarky:  Crap.  The knife...
GM:  Actually two knives.  Thinking back over that memory, you saw him sheath the knife he used to cut her arm on his right side, but during the spell pulled a ritual knife from a sheath on his left side to dip into the cup.  Granted, he doesn't have enough blood to do truly evil things to her, but he has enough to make her life miserable when he wants.
 
(to be continued)

Before I get into last night's game, some quotes from the week before:
 
During some pre-game discussion of the Jessica Jones show on Netfllix, the player of the team's mentalist had this to say:
 
Circe:  (OOC) After watching that show, now I know why everyone thinks mentalists are pure evil.
 
The week's Heronet.Herald news had a recap of the prior adventure.
 
News article:  "Honey Badger would not give further details, except for one cryptic comment that 'DEMON doesn't have cool hats.'"
Honey Badger:  (pouting that he hadn't gotten a headgear trophy from the prior adventure)  Well, they don't.
 
Another article was about an environmental group's research ship sinking, and the Coast Guard revealing it this was no accident as several bodies recovered from the wreck had been shot.  Two of the heroes do some preliminary investigation, including diving on the wreck (with the Coast Guard's okay), and then ask Malarky to hack into the environmental group's computer files.
Malarky:  The more I hang around with heroes, the more criminal I become.
 
Noting that the shipwreck doesn't include the 3-man submersible that was part of the ship's manifest, Maker and Honey Badger go to the last location where the ship's scientists were in contact with their home base.  Maker sends an ROV down and finds an extensive dump site of toxic chemicals and radioactive waste, along with the submersible lying on the seafloor nearby.  From the state of the dump site and the submersible, it appears someone also dropped a bunch of depth charges on the site to make it impossible to identify who did the initial dumping.  Honey Badger offers to go down and check out the sub first-hand.
 
Maker:  But what about all the radioactivity and toxic waste?  Oh, never mind, that's right.  Honey Badger don't care.
 
Honey Badger not only doesn't find any bodies in the sub; it appears that something clawed its way through the hatch, from inside the sub.
 
Malarky:  So, what they're looking at is a supervillain group's origin story.
 
The weekly news also included an item on the hero team raiding a warehouse where the New Gods (androids with the appearances and powers of various Greek gods) had taken a kidnapped scientist.  This event hadn't happened in-game (yet).  The news item included a quote from Circe.
 
Circe:  "Hey, Apollo's head was lying there when we popped in!"  Yeah, I could see me saying that.
 
The actual adventure started out right after the heroes had raided the warehouse and were investigating.  The kidnapped scientist (a 41 year-old expert in nanotechnology at MIT) was found unconscious and, when awoken, insisted he was an 18 year-old freshman at SoCal and that it was 1992.  Circe goes into his head and, in his mindscape, discovers all of his memories are badly faded and water-damaged, and the place smells like a not-so-pleasant beach.
 
Circe:  I guess what we're looking for is an aquatic mentalist. 
Pops:  Shouldn't be too many of those around.
GM:  More like, none.  Well, other than Aquaman types who can mentally control fish.  But the scientist is decidedly not a fish.
 
Since two of the news items featured the Foxbat Force (the cowled crusader's newly-formed supervillain team), the heroes suspect they're somehow involved.
 
Circe:  Does Foxbat have a mentalist on his team?
GM:  Garble.  And even though you've never encountered him or any victims of his powers, you're pretty sure from what you know of him that if he were involved, you'd be finding the scientist's memories all jumbled and mixed up instead of faded.
Shadowboxer:  Garble - the only person to whom Foxbat's Master Plan makes sense.
 
At the warehouse, they also find shattered pieces of glass lying on the floor that appear to have come from a fishbowl.  Picking up one of the pieces, Nexus has a vision from the POV inside the fishbowl, apparently being carried into the warehouse though she doesn't see any hands holding it.  She sees Apollo, the scientist, and four mercenary soldiers who serve as ground troops for the New Gods, all doing normal things, when suddenly they all clutch their heads in pain.  The scientist and soldiers fall unconscious, and then Apollo stops and stands stock still for about a minute, before walking over to the table and begins working at removing his own head.
 
Nexus:  Wait, he's cutting off his own head?
GM:  No, removing it.  With tools.  Unscrewing and stuff.  Remember, he's an android.
Nexus:  Still, ewwww...
 
Apollo also dumps the contents of the fishbowl into a larger glassteel globe, with the vision's POV likewise changing to inside the globe.
 
Pops:  It's a mentalist goldfish, isn't it?  We're going to have to fight a mentalist goldfish.
Honey Badger:  You mean I'm getting sushi?  (grins and licks his lips)
Malarky:  Y'know, I'm not sure about the ethics of eating a hyperintelligent fish.  That might actually be okay.
 
Eventually, Apollo resists enough that he's mind-blasted to unconsciousness, and then the tools float up on their own and complete the work.  After the detached head falls off, the globe floats up and mounts itself atop Apollo's former body.  The body then picks up the fishbowl and chucks it at the floor, shattering it and ending the vision.
 
Maker:  Well, at least we know what happened to Apollo's body.
Shadowboxer:  A mentalist with Apollo's light powers.  That's just great.
Nexus:  You're pretty tough.
Shadowboxer:  Not against light I'm not.  (Note:  most of his defenses don't apply against light powers.)
Nexus:  Oh, yeah.  Ouch.
 
Through a fashion model friend, Circe learns that local fashion designer Candice Wu has had a "stroke" with loss of memory similar to the scientist (but only the past year or so).  This happened the day after the warehouse incident.  A check of her mind reveals the same mental signature - faded and water-damaged memories, fishy smell.
 
GM:  Ms. Wu works primarily with 3D-printed clothing.
Maker:  (who also works with 3D printing)  Wait, can we get into her studio and check out her printer?  It should have its most recent jobs in memory.  Maybe we can find out what was printed.
Malarky:  So, we're doing some B&E?  (shakes his head)  The crimes are just piling up.
Circe:  (waves hand dismissively)  I know her professionally.  I'm sure she'd give me permission if she still remembered me.
 
What was printed was an aquatic-themed costume, in bright orange and purple, with brass-colored bracers, boots, and abdomen piece.  I show them a picture of Dr. Pisces.
 
GM: Hey, he needed a costume.
Circe:  He stole Candice Wu's skills at fashion design and came up with that?  (pause)  It's probably a good thing she lost her memories.
 
One of the news items had reported two of Foxbat's minions (Harmonious Fist and Exoskeleton Man) stealing a weapon-capable Predator drone and portable control gear from a USAF base, which seems a bit more hard-core than Foxbat's normal modus operandi.  So when Foxbat and Batfox break into a Millennium City University lab and steal a sample of weaponized version of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) taken from one of Dr. Destroyer's labs to try and find a counteragent, the heroes worry that perhaps he's being mind controlled.  Perhaps by a hyperintelligent fish riding an android body.  It's nice when the players are all on the right page, isn't it?
 
Dr. Ellis:  The samples were all kept in a special vault, to which I had the only key.  It was built to withstand even Grond.
Honey Badger:  So how the heck did Foxbat get in?
Dr. Ellis:  Take a look.  (leads heroes into the lab to reveal the vault door has been reduced to powder, and a ping-pong ball lying in the pile)
Malarky:  (after Maker inspects the ball and figures out it could project vibrations at variable frequencies)  Resonance.  He found the precise resonant frequency for the vault door.  Brilliant.
Honey Badger:  Brilliant?  This is Foxbat we're talking about.
Pops:  Yeah.  Now we know he's being mind-controlled.
 
During the lab breakin, Foxbat insisted he was stealing a mind control drug.
 
Foxbat:  With this, I will take my rightful place as President of the United States.  Maybe even the world!  All will be mine!  Perhaps I'll even have enough power to... dare I say it?... get the rights to the Fantastic Four returned to Marvel Studios!
 
After discussing and rejecting various ways they can track down Foxbat, Nexus decides to bite the bullet.

Nexus:  Okay, I guess there's no other way.  I'll send him a message through his fan club, offering to go on a date with him.
Circe:  Are we really that desperate?
Honey Badger:  She does go for bad boys.
Nexus:  (OOC) Hey, Nexus hasn't done that.
Honey Badger:  (OOC) Yet.  All of your prior characters did
Nexus:  (OOC)  Not all of them.  That one dated a PRIMUS agent.
Honey Badger:  (OOC)  But didn't Shamrock also get lucky with her?
Nexus:  (OOC)  Oh, yeah.  I forgot about that.
 
Her posting on his fan club website gets her two responses.
 
Foxbat email:  While I'd love to meet you and discuss my many fine qualities, I'm currently rather tied up in another project.  Perhaps we can get together for dinner next week?  In the meantime, I'll send a signed photograph and a commemorative ping-pong ball.
Nexus:  That man is all humility.
Batfox email:  You'd better stay away from my Foxy, you shameless hussy, or I'll use my Batfox Paws to rearrange your face!
Circe:  Looks like you've acquired a new Hunted, Nexus.
 
When the photo and ball arrive at Just Cause's public office, Maker discovers that the ball is actually a recording device and projector of some sort.
Playing the recording, they see various members of Foxbat Force in a large (100m long) room whose metal walls have evenly-spaced indents.  There's a slight rocking motion.  Exoskeleton Man and Dot are working on the Predator drone, mounting missiles that apparently contain the deadly virus.  It is apparent that Foxbat recorded the scene in secret, then palms the ball to turn it off. 
 
Maker:  The indents in the walls - can I calculate how long and tall they are?  Are they roughly as long as a shipping container?
GM:  They're exactly the same size as a standard shipping container.  Good job.
 
The covert recording of Foxbat Force ends, replaced by a scene from the pilot episode of Firefly. 
 
Honey Badger:  He must have recorded over his favorite episode.
 
The heroes get access to the records of all container ships coming into Boston harbor over the past few weeks, and mention of the SS Nate Fillion catches their eye.  They go to the docks and Shadowboxer decides to use his Clairsentience to take a peek and listen from the shadows.  I lay out the map and begin placing all the characters on it.  Dr. Pisces, Foxbat, Batfox, Dot, Exoskeleton Man, Harmonious Fist, Static Man... and four Foxbots.
 
Pops:  Man, that's a lot of guys to fight. 
GM:  Don't worry.  The Foxbots serve one main function.  (turns to Shadowboxer)  You hear the following:
Foxbat:  Soon, we'll be ready to launch and can disperse the mind control drug over Boston! 
Foxbot 1 (Froederick):  Great plan, boss!
Foxbot 2 (Freddo):  Couldn't have come up with anything better myself!
Foxbot 3 (Frederika):  Wow, he's handsome and brilliant!  (swoons)
Foxbot 4 (Derf):  Are you sure that's a good idea, boss? 
Foxbat:  (sighs)  Open up, Derf.
Foxbot 4's abdomen opens and Foxbat makes some adjustments.  Once he's done:
Foxbot 4 (Derf):  Amazing plan, boss.  Where do you come up with them?  (rolls eyes once Foxbat's back is turned)
 
The heroes teleport in and the fight is joined.  The dice seemed to know that Foxbat Force's heart really wasn't into the fight, because the battle was decidedly one-sided.  Nexus stayed invisible the entire time, robbing Batfox of the opportunity to use a stink-paint pellet (3d6 Drain Striking Appearance) on her.  Once Dr. Pisces is taken out, Foxbat shoots himself with a ball that boosts his Ego enough to allow him to break free of Dr. Pisces' mind control, then orders Foxbat Force to stand down.  The heroes graciously allow Foxbat and his people to leave before calling in PRIMUS.
 
PRIMUS Lt. Det. Williams:  Let me get this straight.  You guys had Foxbat captured, dead to rights, but you let him go because... he said a goldfish made him do it?
Malarky:  I think it's more of a puffer fish.  Or maybe a beta.  (OOC)  It's hard to tell from the picture.  (IC)  It got mutated by radioactivity and toxic waste, so we're not sure what it was originally.
Williams:  Still... a fish?!
Malarky:  It's not that much stranger than some of the other stuff we've faced.
Williams:  (shrugs, turns to his men)  Okay, take this... fish into custody.  (shakes his head as he walks away)
Malarky:  (to Williams' partner Melissa Garrett)  I'm not kidding.  The fish really can do nasty mental stuff.
Garrett:  Don't worry, I'll make sure we put it under psionic protocols. 
Honey Badger:  Wait, don't I get to eat it?

after reading the thread " a superteam with a phantom zone device " I came up with
one man's super-hero is another's vigilante menace