Bazza

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
THE PRICE OF A BRAIN
 
Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill.
 
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
 
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
 
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
 
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
 
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
Bazza dons a cheerleading costume and gets out the pom-poms
 
[cheer]
Death Tribble is our friend
He's the very best of them [high kick, left leg]
See him scream, see him shout
See him here, or there about [high kick, right leg]
 
Goooooooo Death Tribble
[/cheer]

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
 
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
 

 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
 
 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
 
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
 
 
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
 
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
 
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
The Dog
 

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
 
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
 

 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
 
 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
 
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
 
 
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
 
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
 
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
The Dog
 

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
 
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
 

 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
 
 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
 
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
 
 
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
 
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
 
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
The Dog
 

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
 
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
 

 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
 
 
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
 
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
 
 
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
 
 
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
 
 
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
 
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
The Dog
 

Re: Musings on Random Musings
 

 
 
So... you're saying you like to fork yourself?
 
 

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
It's funny coz it's gibberish
English Having Signs, Some Speaking Also!
Sometimes in foreign countries the proprieters of hotels, stores and resturants attempt to post signage or use english in other ways to encourage patronage by english-speaking tourists. Not always are their attempts at english altogether successful.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such things please do not read notice.
 
In Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
 
In a Roman doctors office: Specialist in women and other diseases.
 
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
 
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driver is then going alphabetically by national order.
 
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
 
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
 
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktail for ladies with nuts.
 
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.
 
In a Yugaslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
 
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
 
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian, and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
 
In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers: Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
 
On the menu of a Swiss resturant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
 
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
 
In Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
 
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
 
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit because is big rush we will excecute customers in strict rotation.
 
A sign posted in Germanies Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
 
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
I just had to post this for posterity.
 
playing around with a graphing calculator I came up with this. The expression is: cos x^2 > 0. the graph produces a wonderful image attached (as best as I can get). If anyone can produce a better image, post it please.
 
edit: I've just squared the circle. :shocked:
 
edit no #2: So how much is this effect worth as an advantage to energy blast area effect? A ranged killing attack area effect?
 
(And tan r^2 >0 produces a similar but different enough image as well.)

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
An oldie but a goodie
 
Indian Chief
 
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
 
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
 
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's going to be a very cold winter."
 
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
 
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
 
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
New element identified
 
A major research institution announced recently the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".
 
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by forces called "morons" which in turn are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called "peons".
 
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. It can, however, be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.
 
A minute amount of Administratium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take more than 4 days.
 
Administratium has a normal half life of 3 years; it does not decay, but undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
 
In fact, Administratium's mass actually increases over time, since each reorganisation causes some of the morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
 
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that new Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain high concentration. This hypothetical level of concentration is referred to as "Critical Morass".
 
You will know it when you see it.

Re: A Thread for Random Mooings
 
Well here is goes

Moo are You
 
I woke up in on the Interstate
A farmer knew my name
He said "You can go sleep in the barn tonight
If you can get up and Moo away"
 
I staggered back to the manger
And the breeze blew on my back
I remember throwin' punches around
And preachin' from my haystack
 
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo?
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo?
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo?
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo
 
I took the tractor back out of the farm
Back to the inn Cow Singer
I felt a little like a dying sheep
With a streak of Debra Winger []
 
I stretched back and glanced around
And looked back my busy day
Eleven hours at Ragin' Bec's farm
God, there's got to be better way
 
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo?
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo?
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo?
Moo are you?
Moo, Moo, Moo, Moo
 
I know there's a place you farmed
Where milk falls from the teets
My heart is like a broken bottle
A seeping hole that can't be filled
 
I spit out like sour milk
Yet still recieve your kiss
How can I measure up to anyone now
After such a Moo as this?

Re: A Thread for Random Mooings
 

......zzzzaaaaaaaaaaaa

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
 
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
 
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
 
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
 
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "now can I have my beer
and my sandwich, please?"
 
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
 
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
 
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him
about the incredible talking duck.
 
"Marvellous," says the ringmaster, "get him to come see me."
 
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,
"Hey,Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
 
"Yeah," says the duck, "sounds great, where is it?"
 
"At the circus" says the bartender.
 
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
 
"That's right," replies the bartender.
 
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With
the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
 
"That's right!" says the bartender.
 
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f**k do they want with a
plasterer?"

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 

Never the less, this is a personal matter that is none of the forums business.

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
for all the "older" friends I've got
 
I don't know why I didn't think of this before.
 
 
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they hit 55. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. . . . . No nursing home for me!
 
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
 
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
 
Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
 
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
 
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
 
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
 
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
 
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
 
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
 
"So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"

Re: The Last Word
 
Welcome to MY post padding thread. My tax is 50% of all posts and 95% of your Rep.
 
PAY UP!!!
 
Oh, and cheese rules.

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 

Re: The Last Word
 
Welcome to MY post padding thread. My tax is 50% of all posts and 95% of your Rep.
 
PAY UP!!!
 
Oh, and cheese rules.

Re: The Last Word
 
best phrase: Blink 182 is the best band ever

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
This Free Trade Agreement between the US/Aus applies to ideas doesn't it? if so this should be tabled as part of Australia's contribution to American culture: lockup your boss day
 

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 

Ok, I won't. Mightybec on the other hand, wants to know...  

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
dino
 

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 
Thanks. Don't know where it came from, but I woke up and thought, "Iron Squid".

Re: Longest Running Thread EVER
 

Congrats Old Man.