Narf the Mouse Posted May 15, 2012 Report Share Posted May 15, 2012 Re: Jokes ...Well...If it's got a base, presumably that would affect the height, so long as the flagpole was on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted May 16, 2012 Report Share Posted May 16, 2012 Re: Jokes The entire Star Wars series should have been told in four movies altogether. No more, no less. After all, as they always say, "May the fours be with you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 29, 2012 Report Share Posted May 29, 2012 Re: Jokes I just saw a guy driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!" I think it was Farmer Geddon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted May 29, 2012 Report Share Posted May 29, 2012 Re: Jokes I think I can post this now: If a worker at a chop shop hangs himself, would that make him a dangling modifier? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted May 29, 2012 Report Share Posted May 29, 2012 Re: Jokes I think I can post this now: If a worker at a chop shop hangs himself, would that make him a dangling modifier? If, afterwards, he was frozen, would he then be a past parter-cicle? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Re: Jokes Q: What shape is useful for removing curses? A: A hexagon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Re: Jokes Q: What shape is useful for removing curses? A: A hexagon. ...Hold still, this won't hurt a bit...*Reaches for a mallot* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Re: Jokes Q: What shape is useful for removing curses? A: A hexagon. I can't decide whether that joke is more awful or awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Re: Jokes My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Re: Jokes There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Re: Jokes She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Re: Jokes some might find this funnier than i did, and I'm sure posted before. [TABLE] [TR] [TD]This is TOO good! Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here! Read on: You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............. [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Re: Jokes There was another great variation of that routine where there were three bands scheduled to be on the stage: The Who, The Band, and Yes. At the end, teh frustrated stage manager asked hte promoter to write down the names of the acts, to which he replied, "If I could write, I wouldn't be stealing someone else's routine!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Celt Posted June 9, 2012 Report Share Posted June 9, 2012 Re: Jokes A philosophy professor asked his students just one question for their final exam. The question was : How are you going to make me believe that this chair in front of you is invisible? It took the students an hour to finish writing their answer, except for one lazy student who only took five seconds. After that day. the results are posted. The lazy student got the highest score. His answer was : What chair? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted June 10, 2012 Report Share Posted June 10, 2012 Re: Jokes A philosophy professor asked his students just one question for their final exam. The question was : How are you going to make me believe that this chair in front of you is invisible? It took the students an hour to finish writing their answer, except for one lazy student who only took five seconds. After that day. the results are posted. The lazy student got the highest score. His answer was : What chair? "Prove I haven't." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 10, 2012 Report Share Posted June 10, 2012 Re: Jokes Q - Did you hear about the fortune teller who discovered the secret to earthly joy? A - She's a happy medium. Q - Did you hear about the 4' 10" (122 cm) fortune teller who escaped from jail? A - She's a small medium at large. (Just finished reading A Wrinkle in Time, hence the inspiration for the first joke. ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 12, 2012 Report Share Posted June 12, 2012 Re: Jokes Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, the fairy godmother appeared. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrosshairCollie Posted June 14, 2012 Report Share Posted June 14, 2012 Re: Jokes I want to see a gym that's only open on Sunday Mornings called Jehovah's Fitness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Re: Jokes Q - What's the average body temperature of a tauntaun? A - Luke warm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Re: Jokes Q - What's the average body temperature of a tauntaun? A - Luke warm. that is hilarious and bad at the same time. would rep you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McCoy Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Re: Jokes that is hilarious and bad at the same time. would rep you. The bad part is that is a reference to a movie that came out over 30 years ago, and we got it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Re: Jokes The bad part is that is a reference to a movie that came out over 30 years ago' date=' and we got it![/quote'] How is that bad? I say that if you can still remember things from 30 years ago, you're doing pretty darn well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McCoy Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Re: Jokes The bad part is I remember a thirty year old movie well enough to get a joke, then spend half an hour looking for my car keys before I remember I'm not supposed to drive anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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