Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

[Trebuchet]

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source:

 

HASAKE, SYRIA—When archaeologist Edward Whitson joined a Penn State University dig in Hasake last year, he did so to participate in the excavation of a Late Bronze Age settlement rich in pottery shards and clay figurines. Whitson had hoped to determine whether the items contained within the site were primarily Persian or Assyrian in origin.

 

Instead, he found himself fleeing giant flying demon-cats as he ran through the temple's cavernous halls, jumping from ledge to ledge while locked in a desperate struggle for his life and soul for what seemed like the thousandth time in his 27-year career.

 

"All I wanted to do was study the settlement's remarkably well-preserved kiln," said the 58-year-old Whitson, carefully recoiling the rope he had just used to clamber out of a pit filled with giant rats. "I didn't want to be chased by yet another accursed manifestation of an ancient god-king's wrath."

 

Over the course of his career, Whitson has been frequently lauded by colleagues for his thorough, methodical examinations of ancient peoples. He has also been chased by the snake-bodied ophidian women of Al'lat in Israel, hunted down by Mayan coyote specters manifested out of lost time and shadow in the Yucatan, and hounded by the Arctic-sky-filling Walrus Bone Woman of the early Inuits.

 

"It's true, I've got to stop reading the inscriptions on ancient door seals out loud," Whitson said. "I also need to quit dusting off medallions set into strange sarcophagi, allowing the light to hit them for the first time in centuries. And replacing the jewels that have fallen from the foreheads of ancient frog-deity statues—that's just bad archaeological practice."

 

Whitson added that he hopes one day to excavate an ancient Egyptian monastery or marketplace without hearing the ear-splitting shrieks of the undead while being swarmed by green-glowing carnivorous stink beetles.

 

"I realize I'm entering grounds that are considered sacred to these people," Whitson said. "But that doesn't mean I deserve to be pelted with poison-tipped darts shot from cavern walls. A simple 'Do Not Enter' sign in hieroglyphics would suffice."

 

Turning to the subject of his latest incident at a dig site in Peru, Whitson maintains he was not at fault for summoning the forces of evil.

 

"I was just idly rearranging flint sickle blades that had already been catalogued. Apparently, I spelled out the true name of a long-dead god-priest," Whitson said. "Can't a man even clean up his work area without inadvertently conjuring up a pack of lightning-breathing ocelots?"

 

Making matters worse, such encounters have had little to no scientific value.

 

"It's always, 'I will drink your soul' or 'I will chew the flesh from your bones' with these hellish apparitions," Whitson said. "When I ask them if that means the ancient Etruscans did, in fact, add copper to their mixing clay to make their urns more sturdy, they don't even seem to hear me."

 

Worn down by nearly three decades of peril, Whitson said he plans to move off the front lines to become a museum curator or in-office researcher.

 

"It's unfortunate," Whitson said. "Nothing quite compares to being out in the field on an actual dig. But the reality is, I'm really starting to hate almost getting killed all the time."

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38680

 

I figured this fit best in the Pulp Hero forum.

[L. Marcus]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

. . . Def'nit'ly a well-developed case of Weirdness Magnet.

 

I'd enjoy playing this guy.

[Trebuchet]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

My favorite line: "Can't a man even clean up his work area without inadvertently conjuring up a pack of lightning-breathing ocelots?"

 

[Kharis2000]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Hmmm... 1... 2... 3... 4... I count at least a half-dozen scenario ideas in one article. Thanks!

[lemming]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

"It's true, I've got to stop reading the inscriptions on ancient door seals out loud," Whitson said. "I also need to quit dusting off medallions set into strange sarcophagi, allowing the light to hit them for the first time in centuries. And replacing the jewels that have fallen from the foreheads of ancient frog-deity statues—that's just bad archaeological practice."

 

KS: Archaeological Hygiene: 11-

[Hermit]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Someone has GOT to write this guy up

[McCoy]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Psych Limit: OCD; clean freak. Must constantly clean, dust, polish, repair and rearrange.

 

Maybe the ocelots will take care of the rats.

[Nolgroth]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Someone has GOT to write this guy up

I think as many people as possible should write him up. It would be interesting to see other people's takes on this concept.

[Nolgroth]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Here is a rough draft.

[Trebuchet]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Not bad, but I'd give him either a higher DEX or more BODY (or both) to explain how he's survived all those archaeological mishaps. Lightning-breathing ocelots (which would be a good name for a rock group) can be nasty.

 

More Unluck than 1d6 would seem appropriate.

 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to nolgroth again." Arrgh! Stop being so clever!

[Lawnmower Boy]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

The point isn't that he is unlucky, or strong or dextrous or has OCD.

The point is, he's a whiner. The other archaeologists never complain about this. Look, take a deep breath, step back, and accept. It is part of the job. Why do you think you had to take that Methods and Techniques seminar on bullwhip fighting in grad school?

Geez.

[Nolgroth]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

The point isn't that he is unlucky, or strong or dextrous or has OCD.

The point is, he's a whiner. The other archaeologists never complain about this. Look, take a deep breath, step back, and accept. It is part of the job. Why do you think you had to take that Methods and Techniques seminar on bullwhip fighting in grad school?

Geez.

I would SO love to go to that grad school.

[Nolgroth]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Not bad' date=' but I'd give him either a higher DEX or more BODY (or both) to explain how he's survived all those archaeological mishaps. Lightning-breathing ocelots (which would be a good name for a rock group) can be nasty.[/quote']One of the reasons his Running and Jumping were bought up. I could boost him to a 50/50 point character and that should make all the difference in buying up defensive abilities.

 

More Unluck than 1d6 would seem appropriate.

Well, being a normal and surviving all this time, I didn't want to laden him with too much negativity. Besides, he was a rough draft done at 3 AM this morning. I can fix him up once I get all the suggestions I can.

 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to nolgroth again." Arrgh! Stop being so clever!

Well garsh.

[Hermit]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

 

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to nolgroth again." Arrgh! Stop being so clever!

 

Got him for you, Treb

And for me too, come to think of it.

[Nolgroth]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

Per the suggestions here (thanks Treb) here is the slightly "higher powered" version of Prof. Whitson. I've also included the two variant HDC files for you HERO Designer users. Edit, hack, modify to your hearts' content.

 

[Narratio]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

You can see this guy joining the annual archaeologist convention and being sniggered at by all the cool archaeologists. Here's Dr. Grant talking about facing down a real T-Rex's dueling with 'raptors etc. Meanwhile Jones is throwing down his usual army of Thuggee's and psycho-Nazi's stories plus the big rolling stones, falling from aircraft etc and all this guy can talk about is ocelots.

 

If they had lasers in their heads it'd be okay... but nope.

[FenrisUlf]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source:

 

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38680

 

I figured this fit best in the Pulp Hero forum.

 

It'd work in the Champs forum, too, when one considers all the archaeologists who get turned into heroes, monsters, or villains by an artifact at their latest dig.

[Twilight]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

You can see this guy joining the annual archaeologist convention and being sniggered at by all the cool archaeologists. Here's Dr. Grant talking about facing down a real T-Rex's dueling with 'raptors etc. Meanwhile Jones is throwing down his usual army of Thuggee's and psycho-Nazi's stories plus the big rolling stones, falling from aircraft etc and all this guy can talk about is ocelots.

 

If they had lasers in their heads it'd be okay... but nope.

 

You forgot Mrs O'Connel and her tales of accidentally summoned mummies and such.

 

Also, Dr. Grant wasn't an archeologist. He was a paleontologist. One studies ancient civilizations the other studies fossils and such. Big difference.

[Lawnmower Boy]

Re: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

 

You forgot Mrs O'Connel and her tales of accidentally summoned mummies and such.

 

Also, Dr. Grant wasn't an archeologist. He was a paleontologist. One studies ancient civilizations the other studies fossils and such. Big difference.

 

Maybe not an archaeological conference, but the Learneds, for sure. Every day at 5PM, right after the last paper is given to a few earnest grad students, there's Dr. Smith the physicist talking about overthrowing a galactic empire in his space-battleship and being back in time to slip his grant proposal into NSERC under the wire. Dr. Grant explains how dealing with a herd of brontosauri rampaging across campus before they can do any real damage (the educationi building gone? Oh, that's just ...terrible) can really change minds on the tenure review committee. For real credit, wait until the football team has been smushed, 'cuz even a team of walk-ons wouldn't let themselves get beat 50-14 by Ottawa for Pete's sake.

And then, since the rule is that everyone at the table buys a round and tells a story, you have to hear about freakin' ocelots.