Samuraiko

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
This is my job, in gaming terms.
 
Michelle
aka
Samuraiko
 
chonjurer's D&D Help Desk
 
The New Guy sits down at the cubicle, this being his first day on the job. He is excited to be helping thousands of D&D players across the globe. It feels so magical being here. A figure approaches, the mentor who will train him.
 
chonjurer: Ahhh, you must be the new guy. So are ya excited?
New Guy: This is great. I can’t wait to get started.
chonjurer: Yeah, Yeah. They all say that. Wait until you talk to about 1000 of these people and we will see. Alrighty then, lets get started.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
New Guy: What are you doing?
chonjurer: Always put them on hold at the beginning of the call. Lets them know who is in charge. You can’t show weakness to the average gamer. Once they smell fear, they have you! Ok, now we are ready. (Hits Talk Button) Thank you for holding. Please Hold. (Hits Hold button).
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and continues reading. 10 minutes later hits talk button.*
 
chonjurer: Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #1: Ok, I am having a problem with my group. They seem to be killing all my monsters. They are just pushing me around. My latest effort was to send 4 Tarrasques at them. They keep critical hitting them once they are swallowed and…
chonjurer: Ok, Ok. Hold on a moment sir. Do you have a Monster Manual or Dungeon Masters Guide?
Customer #1: Ummm, yes.
chonjurer: Ok Sir, I think I have found your problem. It sounds like the issue is you haven’t read them. Knowing the rules gives you a framework to actually running the game. It sounds like your players are doing that for you. I can’t really help you though with your lack of backbone. I suggest some Self-Help courses. See how that goes, and give us a call back. *Click*
New Guy: Umm… the way you… so does that…
chonjurer: Happen a lot. Yeah. We call them Leapers then Panickers. They never read the rules and their friends eat them alive.
 
*In the distance there is an anguished scream*
 
chonjurer: Poor Arturick. By the gods.
New Guy: What is wrong with him?
chonjurer: He got ‘promoted’ to Forgotten Realms support. It’s rough because you also have to answer questions on using the novels in your game. Buddy, after you deal with 100 callers asking about how to make their characters like Elminster or Drizz’t, you are ready to take anyone’s head off with a shovel.
New Guy: Who is that guy way over there in the corner. Why are there cobwebs all over him?
chonjurer: That is Roele. He does Legacy Birthright Support. Hasn’t had a call in years. They keep him there just in case. We have an office pool that costs $5 to enter. The bet is when the spiders will eat him. Well then, next caller.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
chonjurer: Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #2: I WANT A PROBLEM FIXED!!! I rolled up a Ranger and played him up to 20th level. I have +25/+20/+15/+10 to attack. My sister rolls up a Cleric and she has comparable combat ability with a +19/+14/+8 and can cast spells. THERE IS NO CLASS BALANCE!!! RANGERS SUCK!!! I sat down and calculated the feats, skills, and bonuses. They don’t stack up to other classes. I rolled up a far better…
 
*chonjurer hits the mute button *
 
chonjurer: Ugghhh. These are the worst kind. No matter what it is… it sucks. This guy could be given a Vorpal Sword by his DM, and he will still say it sucks. (Hits Talk Button). Ok Sir, if you read your DMG, then you realize that the DM can customize the core rules. In D&D terminology we call them "House Rules". You will need to talk to your DM…
Customer #2: THIS SUCKS!!! THEY SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN…
chonjurer: Please hold while I concur with my supervisor.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
New Guy: What if he has a valid point?
chonjurer (dripping in sarcasm): Oh they all have ‘valid’ points and can design the game better. Believe me, the average gamer is never right in matters of fact. Only opinion. Newbie, we just can’t let the floodgates open. The hyperinflation of abilities and bonuses will end D20 as we know it. We'll end up with D100, or worse… turn into FASA.
New Guy: I see your point.
chonjurer: Hey, look lively. The Supervisor is coming.
Jenny: Good Morning!!! What a wonderful day!!! How are things going chonjurer? Difficult caller?
chonjurer: Your standard rules whiner. You know, the everything sucks type. I can’t seem to talk him down. Listen to this…
Jenny: Boy he is a one sad kitten. Well he isn’t going to ruin my day. Let me talk to him. (Gets on phone). Sir, I really understand your point of view but won’t changing the rules make your sister feel bad. What about other people who play Clerics. A cleric is hard enough as it is to role-play…
Customer #2: SHE IS A PACIFISTIC CLERIC OF SUNE AND STILL MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!!!!!!
Jenny: Well Sir, I would really like to be helpful to your problem, really, but this a Forgotten Realms issue, let me transfer you too one of our highly trained…
Customer #2: NO… PLEASE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! NO TRANSFERS!!!
Jenny: (Smiles Evilly) You have yourself a wonderful, special day now… (click).
 
*In the distance a phone rings and there is an anguished scream*
 
chonjurer: SORRY!!! Hey thanks for the assist Jenny. This is the New Guy.
Jenny: Nice to meet you. Remember Mr. Newbie, Be friendly, nice, and all will be fine. I have to check on the others. Bye Now.
New Guy: She scares me.
chonjurer: Don’t worry about it. Jenny’s cool. Only be scared when you get your Pink Slip with smiley faces on it. Onto the next call.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
chonjurer: Look at this article. Nice supplements on Dwarves. Boy I can see the calls on this template already… people need to stop taking this stuff as if it is "mandatory canon". You would swear that the word optional isn’t in the English language.
New Guy: It seems you get nothing but complainers and people that don’t use common sense?
chonjurer: Boy you catch on quick. (Hits Talk Button) Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #3 (Hysterical): I‘m having major problems!!! I am in the middle of my gaming session and I am trying to calculate XP. I was on the phone with someone named Josh and he explained CR to me. I just can’t figure this out!!!
chonjurer: Okay Sir, let me ask you something. Do all the appliances in your house flash 12:00am?
Customer #3 (Sobbing): Yes.
chonjurer: Okay Sir. Please Hold. (Presses Hold and tosses headset down). Oh boy. We have a 12 o’clock Flasher. He can’t set any of his appliances and can’t figure out directions. There is no possible way for a 12 o’clock Flasher to calculate XP for a gaming group. If he has already talked to Josh, gone though the "baby-steps" of CR, then we are in big trouble. I have seen people eat their headsets trying to get these guys to calculate XP.
New Guy: What are you going to do?
chonjurer: The only thing I can. (Puts headset on and Presses Talk Button). Okay Sir, do you happen to have a small child nearby… you do!!! Great!!!! Put them on!!!
Hi, what is your name? Jessica? Hey that is a wonderful name. Jessica, your Daddy is trying to calculate XP for your gaming group. Could you look at his encounter sheet… yeah… that is right… yep… adjust for the levels and divide by the number of players. Very Good.!!
Ok this is what I want you to do. I want you to tell your Daddy to give you the Books. Yes. I want you to take over running his gaming group. Tell your daddy he should go out an buy "Pokemon Cards". Yes. That is Gaming for Mommies and Daddies. No I don’t need to talk to him. Have a nice day now… *click*
chonjurer: Phew. That was a close call. Whoa. Hey I need a break. Why don’t you take over for a few…..be right back.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
New Guy: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
This is my job, in gaming terms.
 
Michelle
aka
Samuraiko
 
chonjurer's D&D Help Desk
 
The New Guy sits down at the cubicle, this being his first day on the job. He is excited to be helping thousands of D&D players across the globe. It feels so magical being here. A figure approaches, the mentor who will train him.
 
chonjurer: Ahhh, you must be the new guy. So are ya excited?
New Guy: This is great. I can’t wait to get started.
chonjurer: Yeah, Yeah. They all say that. Wait until you talk to about 1000 of these people and we will see. Alrighty then, lets get started.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
New Guy: What are you doing?
chonjurer: Always put them on hold at the beginning of the call. Lets them know who is in charge. You can’t show weakness to the average gamer. Once they smell fear, they have you! Ok, now we are ready. (Hits Talk Button) Thank you for holding. Please Hold. (Hits Hold button).
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and continues reading. 10 minutes later hits talk button.*
 
chonjurer: Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #1: Ok, I am having a problem with my group. They seem to be killing all my monsters. They are just pushing me around. My latest effort was to send 4 Tarrasques at them. They keep critical hitting them once they are swallowed and…
chonjurer: Ok, Ok. Hold on a moment sir. Do you have a Monster Manual or Dungeon Masters Guide?
Customer #1: Ummm, yes.
chonjurer: Ok Sir, I think I have found your problem. It sounds like the issue is you haven’t read them. Knowing the rules gives you a framework to actually running the game. It sounds like your players are doing that for you. I can’t really help you though with your lack of backbone. I suggest some Self-Help courses. See how that goes, and give us a call back. *Click*
New Guy: Umm… the way you… so does that…
chonjurer: Happen a lot. Yeah. We call them Leapers then Panickers. They never read the rules and their friends eat them alive.
 
*In the distance there is an anguished scream*
 
chonjurer: Poor Arturick. By the gods.
New Guy: What is wrong with him?
chonjurer: He got ‘promoted’ to Forgotten Realms support. It’s rough because you also have to answer questions on using the novels in your game. Buddy, after you deal with 100 callers asking about how to make their characters like Elminster or Drizz’t, you are ready to take anyone’s head off with a shovel.
New Guy: Who is that guy way over there in the corner. Why are there cobwebs all over him?
chonjurer: That is Roele. He does Legacy Birthright Support. Hasn’t had a call in years. They keep him there just in case. We have an office pool that costs $5 to enter. The bet is when the spiders will eat him. Well then, next caller.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
chonjurer: Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #2: I WANT A PROBLEM FIXED!!! I rolled up a Ranger and played him up to 20th level. I have +25/+20/+15/+10 to attack. My sister rolls up a Cleric and she has comparable combat ability with a +19/+14/+8 and can cast spells. THERE IS NO CLASS BALANCE!!! RANGERS SUCK!!! I sat down and calculated the feats, skills, and bonuses. They don’t stack up to other classes. I rolled up a far better…
 
*chonjurer hits the mute button *
 
chonjurer: Ugghhh. These are the worst kind. No matter what it is… it sucks. This guy could be given a Vorpal Sword by his DM, and he will still say it sucks. (Hits Talk Button). Ok Sir, if you read your DMG, then you realize that the DM can customize the core rules. In D&D terminology we call them "House Rules". You will need to talk to your DM…
Customer #2: THIS SUCKS!!! THEY SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN…
chonjurer: Please hold while I concur with my supervisor.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
New Guy: What if he has a valid point?
chonjurer (dripping in sarcasm): Oh they all have ‘valid’ points and can design the game better. Believe me, the average gamer is never right in matters of fact. Only opinion. Newbie, we just can’t let the floodgates open. The hyperinflation of abilities and bonuses will end D20 as we know it. We'll end up with D100, or worse… turn into FASA.
New Guy: I see your point.
chonjurer: Hey, look lively. The Supervisor is coming.
Jenny: Good Morning!!! What a wonderful day!!! How are things going chonjurer? Difficult caller?
chonjurer: Your standard rules whiner. You know, the everything sucks type. I can’t seem to talk him down. Listen to this…
Jenny: Boy he is a one sad kitten. Well he isn’t going to ruin my day. Let me talk to him. (Gets on phone). Sir, I really understand your point of view but won’t changing the rules make your sister feel bad. What about other people who play Clerics. A cleric is hard enough as it is to role-play…
Customer #2: SHE IS A PACIFISTIC CLERIC OF SUNE AND STILL MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!!!!!!
Jenny: Well Sir, I would really like to be helpful to your problem, really, but this a Forgotten Realms issue, let me transfer you too one of our highly trained…
Customer #2: NO… PLEASE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! NO TRANSFERS!!!
Jenny: (Smiles Evilly) You have yourself a wonderful, special day now… (click).
 
*In the distance a phone rings and there is an anguished scream*
 
chonjurer: SORRY!!! Hey thanks for the assist Jenny. This is the New Guy.
Jenny: Nice to meet you. Remember Mr. Newbie, Be friendly, nice, and all will be fine. I have to check on the others. Bye Now.
New Guy: She scares me.
chonjurer: Don’t worry about it. Jenny’s cool. Only be scared when you get your Pink Slip with smiley faces on it. Onto the next call.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
chonjurer: Look at this article. Nice supplements on Dwarves. Boy I can see the calls on this template already… people need to stop taking this stuff as if it is "mandatory canon". You would swear that the word optional isn’t in the English language.
New Guy: It seems you get nothing but complainers and people that don’t use common sense?
chonjurer: Boy you catch on quick. (Hits Talk Button) Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #3 (Hysterical): I‘m having major problems!!! I am in the middle of my gaming session and I am trying to calculate XP. I was on the phone with someone named Josh and he explained CR to me. I just can’t figure this out!!!
chonjurer: Okay Sir, let me ask you something. Do all the appliances in your house flash 12:00am?
Customer #3 (Sobbing): Yes.
chonjurer: Okay Sir. Please Hold. (Presses Hold and tosses headset down). Oh boy. We have a 12 o’clock Flasher. He can’t set any of his appliances and can’t figure out directions. There is no possible way for a 12 o’clock Flasher to calculate XP for a gaming group. If he has already talked to Josh, gone though the "baby-steps" of CR, then we are in big trouble. I have seen people eat their headsets trying to get these guys to calculate XP.
New Guy: What are you going to do?
chonjurer: The only thing I can. (Puts headset on and Presses Talk Button). Okay Sir, do you happen to have a small child nearby… you do!!! Great!!!! Put them on!!!
Hi, what is your name? Jessica? Hey that is a wonderful name. Jessica, your Daddy is trying to calculate XP for your gaming group. Could you look at his encounter sheet… yeah… that is right… yep… adjust for the levels and divide by the number of players. Very Good.!!
Ok this is what I want you to do. I want you to tell your Daddy to give you the Books. Yes. I want you to take over running his gaming group. Tell your daddy he should go out an buy "Pokemon Cards". Yes. That is Gaming for Mommies and Daddies. No I don’t need to talk to him. Have a nice day now… *click*
chonjurer: Phew. That was a close call. Whoa. Hey I need a break. Why don’t you take over for a few…..be right back.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
New Guy: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
This is my job, in gaming terms.
 
Michelle
aka
Samuraiko
 
chonjurer's D&D Help Desk
 
The New Guy sits down at the cubicle, this being his first day on the job. He is excited to be helping thousands of D&D players across the globe. It feels so magical being here. A figure approaches, the mentor who will train him.
 
chonjurer: Ahhh, you must be the new guy. So are ya excited?
New Guy: This is great. I can’t wait to get started.
chonjurer: Yeah, Yeah. They all say that. Wait until you talk to about 1000 of these people and we will see. Alrighty then, lets get started.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
New Guy: What are you doing?
chonjurer: Always put them on hold at the beginning of the call. Lets them know who is in charge. You can’t show weakness to the average gamer. Once they smell fear, they have you! Ok, now we are ready. (Hits Talk Button) Thank you for holding. Please Hold. (Hits Hold button).
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and continues reading. 10 minutes later hits talk button.*
 
chonjurer: Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #1: Ok, I am having a problem with my group. They seem to be killing all my monsters. They are just pushing me around. My latest effort was to send 4 Tarrasques at them. They keep critical hitting them once they are swallowed and…
chonjurer: Ok, Ok. Hold on a moment sir. Do you have a Monster Manual or Dungeon Masters Guide?
Customer #1: Ummm, yes.
chonjurer: Ok Sir, I think I have found your problem. It sounds like the issue is you haven’t read them. Knowing the rules gives you a framework to actually running the game. It sounds like your players are doing that for you. I can’t really help you though with your lack of backbone. I suggest some Self-Help courses. See how that goes, and give us a call back. *Click*
New Guy: Umm… the way you… so does that…
chonjurer: Happen a lot. Yeah. We call them Leapers then Panickers. They never read the rules and their friends eat them alive.
 
*In the distance there is an anguished scream*
 
chonjurer: Poor Arturick. By the gods.
New Guy: What is wrong with him?
chonjurer: He got ‘promoted’ to Forgotten Realms support. It’s rough because you also have to answer questions on using the novels in your game. Buddy, after you deal with 100 callers asking about how to make their characters like Elminster or Drizz’t, you are ready to take anyone’s head off with a shovel.
New Guy: Who is that guy way over there in the corner. Why are there cobwebs all over him?
chonjurer: That is Roele. He does Legacy Birthright Support. Hasn’t had a call in years. They keep him there just in case. We have an office pool that costs $5 to enter. The bet is when the spiders will eat him. Well then, next caller.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
chonjurer: Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #2: I WANT A PROBLEM FIXED!!! I rolled up a Ranger and played him up to 20th level. I have +25/+20/+15/+10 to attack. My sister rolls up a Cleric and she has comparable combat ability with a +19/+14/+8 and can cast spells. THERE IS NO CLASS BALANCE!!! RANGERS SUCK!!! I sat down and calculated the feats, skills, and bonuses. They don’t stack up to other classes. I rolled up a far better…
 
*chonjurer hits the mute button *
 
chonjurer: Ugghhh. These are the worst kind. No matter what it is… it sucks. This guy could be given a Vorpal Sword by his DM, and he will still say it sucks. (Hits Talk Button). Ok Sir, if you read your DMG, then you realize that the DM can customize the core rules. In D&D terminology we call them "House Rules". You will need to talk to your DM…
Customer #2: THIS SUCKS!!! THEY SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN…
chonjurer: Please hold while I concur with my supervisor.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
New Guy: What if he has a valid point?
chonjurer (dripping in sarcasm): Oh they all have ‘valid’ points and can design the game better. Believe me, the average gamer is never right in matters of fact. Only opinion. Newbie, we just can’t let the floodgates open. The hyperinflation of abilities and bonuses will end D20 as we know it. We'll end up with D100, or worse… turn into FASA.
New Guy: I see your point.
chonjurer: Hey, look lively. The Supervisor is coming.
Jenny: Good Morning!!! What a wonderful day!!! How are things going chonjurer? Difficult caller?
chonjurer: Your standard rules whiner. You know, the everything sucks type. I can’t seem to talk him down. Listen to this…
Jenny: Boy he is a one sad kitten. Well he isn’t going to ruin my day. Let me talk to him. (Gets on phone). Sir, I really understand your point of view but won’t changing the rules make your sister feel bad. What about other people who play Clerics. A cleric is hard enough as it is to role-play…
Customer #2: SHE IS A PACIFISTIC CLERIC OF SUNE AND STILL MORE POWERFUL THAN ME!!!!!!
Jenny: Well Sir, I would really like to be helpful to your problem, really, but this a Forgotten Realms issue, let me transfer you too one of our highly trained…
Customer #2: NO… PLEASE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! NO TRANSFERS!!!
Jenny: (Smiles Evilly) You have yourself a wonderful, special day now… (click).
 
*In the distance a phone rings and there is an anguished scream*
 
chonjurer: SORRY!!! Hey thanks for the assist Jenny. This is the New Guy.
Jenny: Nice to meet you. Remember Mr. Newbie, Be friendly, nice, and all will be fine. I have to check on the others. Bye Now.
New Guy: She scares me.
chonjurer: Don’t worry about it. Jenny’s cool. Only be scared when you get your Pink Slip with smiley faces on it. Onto the next call.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
chonjurer: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.
 
*chonjurer flips open Dragon magazine and begins reading*
 
chonjurer: Look at this article. Nice supplements on Dwarves. Boy I can see the calls on this template already… people need to stop taking this stuff as if it is "mandatory canon". You would swear that the word optional isn’t in the English language.
New Guy: It seems you get nothing but complainers and people that don’t use common sense?
chonjurer: Boy you catch on quick. (Hits Talk Button) Ok, thanks for holding. How can I help you?
Customer #3 (Hysterical): I‘m having major problems!!! I am in the middle of my gaming session and I am trying to calculate XP. I was on the phone with someone named Josh and he explained CR to me. I just can’t figure this out!!!
chonjurer: Okay Sir, let me ask you something. Do all the appliances in your house flash 12:00am?
Customer #3 (Sobbing): Yes.
chonjurer: Okay Sir. Please Hold. (Presses Hold and tosses headset down). Oh boy. We have a 12 o’clock Flasher. He can’t set any of his appliances and can’t figure out directions. There is no possible way for a 12 o’clock Flasher to calculate XP for a gaming group. If he has already talked to Josh, gone though the "baby-steps" of CR, then we are in big trouble. I have seen people eat their headsets trying to get these guys to calculate XP.
New Guy: What are you going to do?
chonjurer: The only thing I can. (Puts headset on and Presses Talk Button). Okay Sir, do you happen to have a small child nearby… you do!!! Great!!!! Put them on!!!
Hi, what is your name? Jessica? Hey that is a wonderful name. Jessica, your Daddy is trying to calculate XP for your gaming group. Could you look at his encounter sheet… yeah… that is right… yep… adjust for the levels and divide by the number of players. Very Good.!!
Ok this is what I want you to do. I want you to tell your Daddy to give you the Books. Yes. I want you to take over running his gaming group. Tell your daddy he should go out an buy "Pokemon Cards". Yes. That is Gaming for Mommies and Daddies. No I don’t need to talk to him. Have a nice day now… *click*
chonjurer: Phew. That was a close call. Whoa. Hey I need a break. Why don’t you take over for a few…..be right back.
 
*Phone Rings*
 
New Guy: Thank you for calling D&D Help Desk. Your call is very important to us. Please hold until one of our qualified specialists can help you.

Re: Musings on Random Musings
 
Let's talk about Will-Power...

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 

 
Also from the Fantasy Hero game:
The party is fighting a group of undead Orcs, all the hth types are engaged.
 
Mage: Should I cast a fireball guys?
Most everyone: Cast away, we can take it.
Mage: (Rolls a total of 2 on 2d6 rka, AER)
Me; Well, at least my armor is now dry.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Lessee.
 
"Well, I could either go with you, or resume operations of my illegal medical bay Casino... okay Captain, I'm going on the mission"
 
"Look, if you convince me that I should be on the same side as the other Yehat, we will have the smallest Civil War EVER, as I will have to hunt down the one other Yehat crew member and fight with him to the death..."
 
"And now for an interesting insight into the Yehat mind; Watson is now convinced that he and the other Yehat on this ship are right and honourable, and the other 8 billion are all in the wrong."
 
"Civil War? Ah... the good old days."
 
"Right. Blow up the Ur-Quan dreadnaught and we can leave, rapidly."
 
"We should just surrender; there's no way we're winning."
 
"If we manage to disable the sublight drives we could just run away from it in real space indefinately. They'll give up and go home."
"Yes, but possibly not for eight months."
 
"I shut down all non-essential systems and hit the Dreadnaught with everything we've got."
"NOT THE LIGHTS!"
 
"Captain? You know that gigantic Precursor Hybrid Battleship?"
"Yes?"
"I've lost it."
(FWOOMP)
"Captain?"
"Yes?"
"I've found it."
(click, click, clatter of dice)
"No, sorry, my mistake."
 
"Hey, maybe we could capture the Dreadnaught and use all it's stuff to go back down to Valour and refit our ship?"
"Amazing how quickly your levels of confidence change."
 
 
"This fight has taken an hour and a half. And we're just getting into the second minute of game time."

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
More quotes from some of Steve's games at DieCon5 (thanks for the first batch, Tim)
 
Champions
 
Situation: Kinetic was chasing a Viper hovercraft and was hit by a lucky blaster shot. It didn't *quite* knock him out, but very close. After he clears his head, he makes a perception roll.
 
GM: You think you see it waaaaaaaaay over there.
 
Kinetic: (on radio to rest of team) Uh, yeah, I lost them.
 
******************
 
Fantasy Hero
 
GM: Being Heroes bold and true, you cannot resist this adventure, i.e., plot hook.
 
******************
 
Situation: A rat is on Drago's shoulder, biting through his armor.
 
Severin: Hold still, friend Drago!
 
Drago:
 
Severin: :skewers rat:
 
Drago: :whew:
 
-Later-
 
Situation: A harpy is attacking Severin.
 
Drago: I throw a dagger at the harpy!
 
Severin: Wait, friend Drago! This is completely different than what happened five minutes ago.
 
Drago: :throws dagger: :hits harpy:
 
Severin: I never doubted you.
 
******************
 
Situation: The party is being attacked by an animated bunch of scrolls that have formed into a humanoid shape.
 
Severin: :jumps on a cabinet and thrusts his torch into the creature:
 
GM: It bursts into flame. The entire creature is now on fire!
 
Severin: :flourishes sword: Ha HA!
 
Drago: Great. You turned it from a paper golem into a fire elemental.
 
******************
 
And finally,
 
GM: Okay, you all take full damage - unless of course, you have some sort of force field whose special effect is affecting evil magic from demons...
 
SCUBA Hero: (who has a character that is utterly inappropriate for such a construct) :raises hand:
 
GM: :bonks SCUBA on the head with an empty water bottle:

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
PC#1: She has mind control.
PC#2: Doesn't all women?
Me: Yeah, it's bought with a Focus....Obvious....usually Inaccessible.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Actual quote... if not really from an RPG... but it bodes well!
 
My best friend from college is out on the deck grilling as his four year old son, Christopher, "helps" by attacking the furniture with a little plastic sword.
 
P: Ok... I'm almost done. Why don't you go wash your hands, Christopher.
 
C: (very simply) No, I'm not going to go wash my hands.
 
P: (sternly) Don't argue with me. I want you to wash your hands.
 
C: (turning to look at him with very serious look on his face...) Little kids argue! Big four year olds... with swords... do not argue!

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Just finished our Ebberon game tonight (going on to Starwars...episode 3 addicted me again...need to get it out of my system...)
 
Rundown of our last mis-adventure leading up to these points...
 
We were after a vampire at the behest of the guy that refered to us as "discreet" (earlier post...) and had cought up to his coach driven by his sister. In our normal "discreet" manner our Warforged fighter Hammer decided it would be a good idea to fire his crossbow at the lady driving the carrage since we were suposed to be attacking it.
 
This was at about 240 yards...of course he missed and the carrage started running...
 
Adam (me): "Way to go and prove how 'discreet' we can be Hammer..."
 
A few rounds later I 'stopped' the carrage with a web spell anchoring the horse team to the ground... Refering to the lady driving the carrage (she had hit us with a fireball earlier and killed hammer's horse)
 
Hammer: Well, at least she was strapped in! (refering to the web spell...she failed her save)
 
After deliberating over what would happen to the coach, the DM and several Warhammer players nearby (after a very fun conversation) decided that after the running poles were dragged into the ground by the horses tripping (full gallop with that web crap gumming up their legs) the coach was a total write off. The girl driving got turned into a jelly-like substance when she took a header with several hundred pounds of wooden coach riding HER into the ground, and the vampire inside (in his coffin...no seatbelt ) was flung bodily out through the roof.
 
Hammer: Well, she's gone...
Adam: (in refrence to airship jargon) Please make sure your baggage is SECURELY tied down in the over head bins!
 
Finally, finishing the adventure (we took like a month off from roleplaying due to a string of stuff causing us to miss games...)
 
We take over the airship the Vampire is hiding on, and direct it to go back to Sharn (where we started) when we get attacked by pirates and they (for various reasons) end up ramming us. Well, after we get off the ship we see that the wreckage is almost directly over a paraid celebrating the long years of service people like the guy who told us to go do this whole thing have given to the peoples of Breiland.
 
Hammer and Adam: "Uh oh..."
 
We chase the vampire onto a Lightning Rail (think train) and, while searching for the Vampire run into a fellow Artificer of House Cannith (Orlin) and his Warforged Scout (Sledge).
 
GM: You get to talking with Orlin du'Cannith and he goes on about how he's meeting his Intelligence contact in Sharn (*insert name here*...same guy who got us on this 'adventure').
 
Adam (Me): "You wouldn't happen to be Cyran intelligence. Would you?"
Orlin: "Why yes. How did you know?" (I had been acused of being Cyran intelligence when we were told to go do track the vampire...though we were being blackmailed...)
(Me to GM): I hate you.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
From Sunday's D&D game. Two of the players were present, two were out, so the previously drunk dwarf and the "I love acrobats" elf were doing the adventuring today. The other elf and the human were "doing other stuff."
 
The dwarf & elf were trying to recruit allies during their investigation. When asked why they were attacked earlier...
 
 
Dwarf: I bought them a round of drinks, so I don't remember....
 
Player 1: Why can't you be on my side?
Player 2: Because you're usually wrong.
 
When they were being questioned by the constable.
 
Constable: I was told you killed Johnny.
Elf: (Looking at the dwarf) We killed somebody?
Dwarf: [Oops look on his face]
 
Our classic misspeak:
Dwarf: I'm going to drink off some of the brew.
 
Player 1: What did I do to you?
GM: Tell bad jokes.
 
On why the PCs are in the small village:
Elf: I've heard of nice bad things.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
This ones' from a Champions game I ran a few years ago...
 
The characters had gone to see a concert by one of the oldest rock bands still around, the Standing Stones (basically the campaign world's analogue to the Rolling Stones). Early on, they get gouged for ticket prices, and people comment.
 
It turns out that the Standing Stones are secretly a group of black-magic creatures; the lead singer is basically a Death Knight, the drummer is basically a Liche, the lead guitarist is an animated Wood Golem (created as a guard) and the bassist is a Vampire.
 
A harrowing fight ensues, during which the Standing Stones almost kill Mockingbird, one of the team's heroines and a very well-loved character. Her fiancee goes basically bananas, and while usually the heroes capture villians, this time Starfire, the plasma-projecting flying energy blaster, just has a total freak-out, and systematically destroyes the Standing Stones, one by one.
 
And looking at the carnage of their remains, strewn about the stage in front of thousands of horrified fans, Silk, the little blonde martial artist with the spirit of an Eastern Gold Dragon bound into her (basically looking like Buffy in a costume) says this...
 
"Gee...*toes at a bit of smouldering remains of what had minutes before been the worlds most widely-know rock band*...if they know it was going to be their last show...they could have charged more"
 
________
 
 
Okay, different game, same player. Our characters are all high-school students who have recently found out that we have been granted super-powers by ancient Gods. The aforementioned player's character is named Michael, and hes a football player...and the most popular boy in our grade...and hes smart...and hes also a nice guy (which makes people secretly hate him even more, especially Eric the nerd whom nobody notices when Michael's around).
 
Michael is the only one of us with a car, so hes picking people up so that we can go outside of town and practice with our new powers. He arrives at the home of Indira, who was raised in California, but whose parents immigrated to the US from India.
 
Indira drags Michael inside to meet her mother, thinking that this will somehow defuse her mothers temper, if she gets to meet the boy with the car. Apparently it didnt work out as well as shed hoped...and Michael didnt really help, but you gotta give the guy credit for guts, when the following exchange takes place...
 
Indiras mother: Very well....I agree to allow my daughter to accompany you in your car....BUT!...if you impregnate my daughter, i shall call down a thousand thousand curses upon you!
 
Michael *looks thoughtful for a half second*: ....Thats fair.

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
It turns out I'm sardonic. Who knew?

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
From our current Champs campaign:
 
We had a player obsessed with Castlevania. He was playing the next-to-last Belmont. Due to years of inbreeding, the Belmonts were none too bright. Fortunately, all the vampires had been killed generations ago. Vincent Belmont had joined the group after quitting his Starbucks job. After a marginally successful mission, he decided to treat the group to dinner at his favorite resturant, The Golden Duck (a medieval theme resturant.)
 
As the night progressed, Vincent became drunker and more embarassing. Finally, they pick him off the floor and appologize to the waitress, who says:
 
"'tis expected. I have worked here but a fortnight, and thrice hath he chundered."
 
For some reason, this is our most quoted line OOG. Mostly at Rudy's on Elm St. After Terror has had her 8 Magnars.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Caleb: (darkness manipulator, takes double effect from light based attacks and suceptable to same) "I use My TK with an Area Effect One Hex to pull all the pins on the VIPER guy's grenades."
 
Me: "You're sure?"
 
Caleb:"Yep"
 
Me: "OK..... go ahead and roll your power skill then roll to hit"
 
Caleb: "3 and 3 and 4..... a 10 hits?"
 
Me: "For a One Hex Area Effect? Yes."
 
Caleb: *grins big* "I bet THAT gets through his force field AND armor"
 
I start rollong dice and tallying up the points.... look at the combat record sheet
 
Me: "You are stunned and take 13 Body"
 
Caleb: "WHAT?"
 
Me: "What kind of grenades has VIPER been using the past 3 missions?"
 
Caleb: "Flash Grena- oh crap."

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
J: (breaking out of character in mid sentence)... eh, No wonder these taste stale! (picks up cookie package) They have a date on 'em. It's last year.
 
Rest of us: EEEWWW!! AAAGG!! HAHAAHAHA!!
 
B: Where'd you get them?
 
J: Well, I was at the garden store to get some soil...

Some Recent Winners From My Group
 
Good cop, PSYCHO cop
 
The players have stopped a hit raid against a particular mafioso named Jimmy the Shark. They have Jimmy and are questioning him to find out who might have sent the hit team. The two heroes are a scrapper type and a pistolero type (who is on his first mission with this super team). The conversation goes like this, in what should have been a "Good Cop/Bad Cop" play:
 
Scrapper: Tell us what we want to know!
 
Jimmy the Shark: No
 
Pistolero: Can I shoot him?
 
Scrapper (obviously thinking this is a ploy): Sure.
 
Pistolero: OK. *shoots Jimmy in the head*

Re: A Thread for Random Musings
 
Apparently in Las Vegas, "celebrate Cinco de Mayo" means "everyone get in their cars, cram together on the road at the same time, drive like morons, and cause accidents every other mile."
 
Well, that's every day in Las Vegas, but this day it seemed more so.
 
JG

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Backstory:
at the game I run, the team Mentalist, Foxfire, is Hunted by PSI and Stalked by Menton (She's a mentalist with 20 com, he wants her to be his wife-without him taking over her mind.)
2 sessions ago, The team had a run in with part of PSI. Mindslayer and Torment were cptured. (A mentalist and an Android on the team helps)
At the end of last session, the Mnetalist got home to find a message from the Psyciatric Ward the two were being held at. (The mentalist thought the two had been brainwashed. So they had been put there, not prison) The message said that they had been released and the charges dropped, JUST LIKE SHE ASKED. (she hadn't)
Foxfire called the police and asked if they had ordered the release. They hadn't. As she is explaining what is happening to the Sgt. on the phone, Mindslayer turns herself in. She doesn't know WHY she has to turn her self in, but she knows she has commited these crimes and should be arrested.
An envelope is dropped thru Foxfire's mail slot. SHE CALLS The Entire Team OVer, before she opens the letter.
Letter:
My Dear,
Anything that puts a crimp in PSI's plans s more than welcome by me. So I thought I would help you out.
Alejandro Meddinni (I'm going by memory so it is spelled wrong)
 
Player: (looks at me) I Hate You!

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
From my Champions game, The Outsiders are facing down Black Paladin and his new girlfriend. The following exchange takes place....
 
Black Paladin(Me): " It has come too far to be thwarted by you knights of this new age now. I will not be stopped...not this time. "
 
Surgical Steel(Player): " Oh.....all our villains say that.....and where are they now? "
 
Black Paladin(Me): " At large? "

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Modifying an storyline from a Silver Knight fanfic with some characters and situation moved around:
 
The scenario revolves around two super teams: the Silver Knights and the Claw (super team arm of FIST, ie a VIPER analogue). Nova of the Silver Knights had fallen in love with the secret ID of one of the Claw's members: Lasher. When she found out she went livid and nearly killed him but the two made up when she realized how deeply he felt about her. A secret affair went on for over a year even as the two teams clashed repeatedly.
 
Finally, one of FIST's major commanders Deathstorm (and heavy weight super) launched a scheme to blackmail the world through a nuclear strike. With the gloves off, the Silver Knights strike only to be defeated. When the deadline passes, Deathstorm decides to launch. Lasher decides to side with the Knights and frees them. In the battle, it's found out that Deathstorm's armor will send the final command and he needs to be taken out to stop the missiles from exploding. DS is pretty much unstoppable and scatters the team to the winds. Just before he can kill Nova, Lasher attacks Deathstorm with a lethal strike only to be mortally wounded. In a huge explosion, DS and his armor are destroyed and the world is saved.
 
As Lasher is dying, Nova cradles the man in her arms and both are crying as they are overcome with grief. He starts to lament that he was so selfish and only cared about himself.
 
"Sssshh.." Nova whispered as she stroked his burned face. "Don't talk like that my love. You're a hero, you saved the whole world."
 
A shaking hand coated with blood reached up to caressed Nova's cheek while a smile touched his lips despite the pain and tears. "I just wanted to save *you*."

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
The fantasy party's co-leader to the rookie mage on his first adventure...
 
"That's very impressive, Chryss. Dropping a giant in one shot is very, very good. But next time, lets actually see if thy're hostile beofre we open fire."
 
And that's when the Giant's big dragon buddy shows up and asks to know what's going on.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...
 
Last Saturday, our party had just literally been through Hell and come out in Shangri-La. We found ourselves in a Buddhist monastery. For some inane gnomish reason, I thought the monks should have loud red-orange robes, but the GM described them as dull brownish orange.
Windows 3000 Sux Man (me): Brown? What's the matter with scarlet?
Quantum: I don't know, and frankly I don't give a damn.

Re: Crime Doesn't Pay
 
Running joke. We started a dungeon crawl recently. My character, an elf mage told the other party members that he was going to make his name on this dungeon. That he would make it his own.
 
So they wrote up a "Deed" for him.
 
We find a secret door, follow a rough hewen, narrow passage to a room with a wooden throne and an advanced Ghast. He cackles and tells us how glad he is to finally have "visitors" after so long.
 
Althian (My mage): Okay this room will not do for a throne room. *Turns to dwarven mage* Get your people on widening that hallway at the very least.

Crime Doesn't Pay
 
This is an old one, actually, but I'm new to the boards...
 
We were fighting a supervillain who turned out to have been my characters Economics professor before he mutated. In the middle of combat, I hit him with "OH, yeah? Well, if you're so good at economics, how come you don't know Crime Doesn't PAY!!?"