BoloOfEarth

Thanks to Rich McGee and I agree that Duke Bushido was the real winner. Also he is a coward making up some excuse about his phone just so he wouldn't have to pick an image! 😃
 
Sorry if this is a bit boring or convential of an image and I hope it hasn't been used previously, I just wanted to get something up fast to keep things going.

Power Master
 
They called themselves The Three Champions--three friends who, on a camping trip in the American Northwest, discovered deep inside a cave an altar with three different colored triangular gems which conferred tremendous powers and abilities to whoever wielded them.  They fought crime, saved lives, helped clean up after natural and man-made disasters--all with a smile and a few kind words for their admirers.  People called them heroes.  Life was good.
 
Then came The Hellfather, who after many years of planning and superhero-inflicted setbacks, was finally ready to make the Earth into his own infernal paradise.  The Three Champions stopped him, apparently once and for all--but it was not without cost.  Two of the Three gave their lives to contain the blast of the Inferno Bomb, which consumed them along with The Hellfather.  The surviving member was so distraught that he gave up superheroics--or so everyone thought.
 
Actually, he had no intention of retiring.  He went into seclusion, where he trained himself to use his powers more effectively--and more forcefully.  And when The Hellfather returned--as he knew he would--he was there to stop him, and beat him within a millimeter of his life.  Ignoring the cheers of the public and the protests of the authorities, he took off without a word--and without a smile as well.
 
As The Power Master, he continues to fight crime, save lives, help those who need it--but it's not fun anymore.  He doesn't smile, doesn't hang out with the public, doesn't make appearances for charity like he did with The Three Champions.  He just charges in, takes care of business, and departs as quickly as he left.  And if you're a supervillain or anyone else who's inclined to hurt innocents or cause harm for its own sake-your affairs had better be in order.

Seven figures?  I'm guessing Santa wasn't grumpy, sleepy, sneezy, dopey, bashful, or Doc, either.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
 
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
 
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
 
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
 
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
 
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
 
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
 
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
 
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
 
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
 
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
 
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
 
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
 
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
 
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached the end.
 
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door, he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound…
 
…but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
 
“What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back.
 
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.”
 
“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.
 
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
 
“Is that when you swore?”
 
“No, Father.” said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
 
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again.
 
“Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
 
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest.
 
“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
 
“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest.
 
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
 
The Priest sighed and shook his head. “You missed the putt, didn’t you?” 

The Pogo Copter.
 

 

-- merged --
 
 
I assume one of the snipers got him before he was finished.

You find that you've been moved to Albuquerque.

I threw an Asian down the stairs. It was Wong on so many levels. 

I blame Foxbat. Why did he take it? Why does he do anything? That guy's mind is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him.

It goes farther than debasement.  Even past desubbasement.

I'm expecting a strongly-worded letter to their supplier that it was supposed to be "Deck the Halls". 

Warden:  Your turn, Johnny.  The priest you requested has arrived.
"Priest" (actually one of Johnny's gang members):  Are you ready, my son?
Johnny:  I'm ready if you are, father.
"Priest" (opens Bible to show Johnny it's hollowed out and holds the ammo drum for a Tommy gun):  Dominus obiscum.  Nabisco. Es spiritu sanctum.
Prisoner #1:  So long, Johnny.  (passes Johnny part of a Tommy gun)
"Priest":  They gustuvus.  Me gustuvus.  You gustuvus.  We missed the bus.  They missed the bus.
Prisoner #2:  Be brave, Johnny (passes him another part of a Tommy gun)
"Priest":  When's the next bus?  
Johnny:  Always, Nails.
"Priest":  Summa cum laude.  Magna cum laude.  The radios go loudy.
Prisoner #3:  Good luck, Johnny (passes him another part of a Tommy gun)
"Priest":  Semper fidelis.  Hi fidelis.
Johnny (having a hard time assembling the gun):  Why didn't I take shop?
"Priest":   Post meridian.  Ante meridian.  Uncle merdian.  All the little meridians.
Prisoner #4:  Goodbye, Johnny (passes him another part to a Tommy gun)
Johnny:  Bye, Rock.
"Priest":   The Magna Carta.  Master charge-a.
Prisoner #5:  Spit in his eye, Johnny (passes him final part to a Tommy gun)
"Priest":  Doom vitalis.  Lots of vitalis.  (passes Johnny the ammo drum)
Warden:  Do you have any last words, Johnny?  (turns around to face Johnny)
Johnny (racks a round into the Tommy gun's chamber and points it at the warden)
Warden (raises hands):  Well said!

Fakthulhu
 
Want to know why people who play Call of Cthulhu and Dungeons and Dragons should not be allowed to go into genetic engineering or be allowed near wish machines ?
You do ?
Well let me introduce you to Fakthulhu.
The body of a barbarian warrior and the head of the Great Old One. It is a monster of destruction and banned in 17 States of the Union. Yeah that's right the most liberal ones.

"My Lord, the ship appears to be deserted."
 
"How can that be? They're hiding."
 
"Yes sir. But the bridge seems to be run by computer. It is the only thing speaking."
 
"Speaking? Let me hear."
 
"Nine ... eight ... seven ... six ... five ... "
 
"GET OUT! GET OUT OF THERE! GET OUT!"
 
"... one ..."

"Jack-Jack has powers?!"
 
"We know! Fight now, talk later!" 

"May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."  ~ Irish toast.
 
"Bread, eggs, milk, cinnamon, and vanilla, topped with maple syrup."  ~ French toast.

Adding to the NPCs as Nothere and Cancer have done:
 
The Loudmouthed Jerk
 
Trevor Nelson is the guy you find in practically every workplace; in line at the QuikShop; sitting a table over in the restaurant; or in the seat next to you on a four-hour flight. He lives by the maxim, "The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease," and figures that the squeakier you are, the more grease you get. 
 
As the only son of a successful and semi-famous trial lawyer, Trevor grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth, and thus he feels entitled to whatever he wants.  In his mind, others exist mainly to serve him and he's not afraid to let them know this.  Heaven forbid that you make a mistake while serving him.  He will insist on speaking to your boss and demanding (in a loud and condescending voice) that you be fired and he gets whatever he wants for free.
 
Unfortunately, between his dad's connections and his own (Trevor is a high-ranking VP at a local bank), he has enough pull to make others' lives miserable if he really wants.  And since he doesn't see the point of making empty threats, Trevor really will call a company's CEO trying to get a low-level employee fired.  (Well, he'll have his secretary make the call since that's what they're there for; he'll just get on the line long enough to make sure the deed gets done.)
 
 
 
 
QUOTE:  "In this world there's movers, and there's losers.  I'm a mover.  You're a loser.  It's as simple as that.  Now bring me my order.  Chop chop."

Tiamat…you’ve changed…here, eat a Snickers. Feel better? 

Why did the middle-aged chicken cross the road?
 
 

One night a woman awakens in the middle of the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on a robe and goes downstairs. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa. 
 
"Hey, honey, are you all right?" she asks.
 
He closes his eyes and sighs deeply. "I was just thinking of when we first met. It was twenty years ago tonight."
 
The woman is shocked. She can't believe he still remembers the date. 
 
"I was 18, and you were just 15."
 
"I remember," she says softly.
 
He is quiet for a minute, like the words aren't coming easily. "So you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?"
 
"I do," she says, blushing at the memory.
 
"Your father pointed a weapon at me and told me that if I didn't marry you, he'd make sure I spent the next twenty years in prison." 
 
"I remember that too," she says softly.
 
He takes a deep breath, his voice cracking as he finally speaks. "I would've gotten out today."

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!"