BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 Q: Okay, we have padded walls, a few bottles of Thorizine, and a paper bag for hyper-ventilating.... what's with that look you are giving me? A: Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he has a hobby to drive his wife nuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 A: Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he has a hobby to drive his wife nuts. Q - My wife's obsession with scrapbooking is driving me insane. What can I do? A - Yes, I just went there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 A - Yes, I just went there. Q: Does this bus go to The Infernal City of Dis? A: Santa Claus is raising the dead! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asperion Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 Q: Does this bus go to The Infernal City of Dis? A: Santa Claus is raising the dead! Q: What makes you think that Santa Claus is actually Hades? A: Ho Ho Ho with a bottle of rum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 17, 2013 Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 Q: Is that Santa in a pirate hat with an eye-patch? A: If only it were always so easy to get away with putting a rabid badger in the dean's file cabinet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 17, 2013 Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 A: If only it were always so easy to get away with putting a rabid badger in the dean's file cabinet. Q: "I go away on vacation and when I come back there's a dead animal in my filing cabinet and all my papers are gone! Who did this?" A: And that's why they call it Xmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 18, 2013 Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 A: And that's why they call it Xmas. Q - They cant spel wrds lngr than four ltrs? A - I have a fine Italian sports car capable of traveling at speeds up to one hundred eighty-five miles per hour. Sadly, my driver's license has been revoked, so I no longer use it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 19, 2013 Report Share Posted December 19, 2013 A - I have a fine Italian sports car capable of traveling at speeds up to one hundred eighty-five miles per hour. Sadly, my driver's license has been revoked, so I no longer use it. Q: What's the worst thing about being Joe Walsh? A: If I were Vice-President, what would I do? Hey, pretty much anything I wanted to! Cancer and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asperion Posted December 19, 2013 Report Share Posted December 19, 2013 Q: What's the worst thing about being Joe Walsh? A: If I were Vice-President, what would I do? Hey, pretty much anything I wanted to! Q: What is the most invisible position in the American government? A: The newest Christmas star: Harley Claus! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 19, 2013 Report Share Posted December 19, 2013 Q: What happens when Santa divorces his wife for Joker's former sidekick?A: Hrm. The sign did say 'Beware of Eldritch Horror.' So I have no sympathy for you what-so-ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 20, 2013 Report Share Posted December 20, 2013 A: Hrm. The sign did say 'Beware of Eldritch Horror.' So I have no sympathy for you what-so-ever. Q: I'm turning into an aquatic lizard thing with murderous urges and an incredible desire for raw lobster! Why didn't you tell me not to go to Innsmouth? A: The lack of a Reset Button on the Universe is, at this particular moment, vaguely alarming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 20, 2013 Report Share Posted December 20, 2013 Q: Did you just see a fat woman in pink spandex and a purple tutu pass by on a neon-green Segway? A: The real question is, "Why would you want to?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted December 20, 2013 Report Share Posted December 20, 2013 A: The real question is, "Why would you want to?" Q: Can you get atomic energy by rubbing two blocks of plutonium together? A: It's a cool, blue glow, but it's over in an eyeblink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 20, 2013 Report Share Posted December 20, 2013 A: It's a cool, blue glow, but it's over in an eyeblink. Q: What does it look like when someone is hit with a phaser set to Disintegrate? A: I will probably never have to buy one of your fancy heaters. You keep giving them to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asperion Posted December 20, 2013 Report Share Posted December 20, 2013 Q: What does it look like when someone is hit with a phaser set to Disintegrate? A: I will probably never have to buy one of your fancy heaters. You keep giving them to me. Q: What is the chief complaint about the Human Torch? A: All rise for: The Living Tribunal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 21, 2013 Report Share Posted December 21, 2013 A: All rise for: The Living Tribunal. Q: My case won't be heard by the ghosts of the 1932 Supreme Court? I was so hoping that dead judges would view me more favorably? A: In Chicago, the dead don't just vote. They pull Jury Duty too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 21, 2013 Report Share Posted December 21, 2013 Q: Our jurors are dying like flies. Maybe we need better security? A: And you wonder why I refuse to come to your house for dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 21, 2013 Report Share Posted December 21, 2013 A: And you wonder why I refuse to come to your house for dinner. Q: And what wine do you think I should serve with escargot, bearing in mind that escargot are snails? A: It may be rancid yak fat, but you have to admit it's very well-prepared rancid yak fat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted December 21, 2013 Report Share Posted December 21, 2013 A: It may be rancid yak fat, but you have to admit it's very well-prepared rancid yak fat. Q: I appreciate the break from muktuk, but this isn't quite what I had in mind ... what is this? A: It's where glucophages go to die. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 22, 2013 Report Share Posted December 22, 2013 Q: I wonder what we should do with this bad batch of insulin? Give it to homeless diabetics and then blame the pharmaceutical company? A: Now that I know what's in it, I wish I didn't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 22, 2013 Report Share Posted December 22, 2013 A: Now that I know what's in it, I wish I didn't know. Q: You look hungry. Want a hot dog? A: Get the fiance out of the way and the whole thing will be fixed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueCloud2k2 Posted December 23, 2013 Report Share Posted December 23, 2013 Q: Why is it even with my new 60' super-wide-screen HDTV I still can't see the game when my betrothed is standing in front of me screaming at me? A: That really will cost you an arm and a leg. Don't worry, I have plenty of anesthetic and I've yet to have a customer die on the table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 23, 2013 Report Share Posted December 23, 2013 A: That really will cost you an arm and a leg. Don't worry, I have plenty of anesthetic and I've yet to have a customer die on the table. Q - What's the going rate for two prosthetic limbs? A - That's the worst news I've heard all week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Hopcroft Posted December 24, 2013 Report Share Posted December 24, 2013 A - That's the worst news I've heard all week. Q: We did all our Christmas shopping at Target this year. Is that why our bank account is overdrawn fourteen million dollars on all these charges from Antigua? A: It's fine that I ripped you off because the way I spend money is much more beneficial to the economy than the way you spend money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 24, 2013 Report Share Posted December 24, 2013 A: It's fine that I ripped you off because the way I spend money is much more beneficial to the economy than the way you spend money. Q - What is standard operating procedure for every politician? A - Although it's been said many times, many ways, happy Solstice to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.