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Luke Skywalker finally makes it to 'Tosche Station' to pickup power converters
 

Tomorrow is my PET scan, to find out if I’m fine or so very terribly horribly not. To say I am anxious about the latter possibility is an extreme understatement. To help, my subconscious has been serenading me with Freddy Mercury singing “Who Wants to Live Forever?” for the past three days. 
 
Me. That’s who. Me. I do. 

Dear Santa, 
You didn’t get me the thesaurus I asked for and now I’m mad. You made me really mad. I’m mad at you.

Pariah => <= Archer

I got arrested at the airport.
 
Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

This just in:  A man has been stealing wheels off of local police cars.
 
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.
 
Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!"
 
St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showed up as Charlton Heston's version of himself, while Charlton Heston dressed up as an ape. Ruth Bader Ginsburg came as Hermione Granger. (Although she insisted that she was dressed as the book character, not the movie character, which explained the teeth.)
 
There were also some great couple's costumes. Alex Trebek and Sean Connery dressed up as each other and re-enacted bits from the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches. The Wright brothers dressed up as the Super Mario Brothers. Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds came as Captain Kirk and Mister Spock. Prince dressed up as Dave Chappelle's version of Rick James and David Bowie came as "Super Freakonomics."
 
Naturally, everyone was looking for the guest of honor. If anyone would have a fantastic costume, it would be Jesus. However, try as they might, no one could figure out Jesus' costume among the multitudes of party guests. There were, of course, plenty of people who dressed as Jesus, and some wondered if Jesus had gone full meta. He didn't, but as it turned out Charlie Chaplin did dress up as Jesus and placed third in the Jesus Look-a-Like contest.
 
Finally, as the party was drawing to a close, it was time for everyone to unmask. Joan of Arc was the one dressed as Bigfoot. Alan Turing was Predator. Richard Pryor was the Burning Bush. Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, who had long since made up and become the best of friends, were the unicorn. Eventually there was only one costume left.
 
As Jesus pulled off the Matt Damon mask, everyone realized that Christ was Bourne on Christmas Day.

The Smartest Teen In London

A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.
 
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
 
They go back to his place and jump into bed. After a long while, he rolls over, lights up a cigarette, and asks her, “So… you finish?”
 
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
 
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first.
 
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
 
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
 
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
 
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
 
“No. I’m Swedish.”

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
 
 

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
 
 

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
 
Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.