Drhoz

Selversgard - Events of the Year #4
 
It has been a harsh Winter, with a lot of snow, and life has been hard for many. But Spring has now arrived, and with it, planting and the beginnings of the working year. Floating ice damaged several of the piers, which the current floodwaters haven't helped with. Blake is still Mayor (until the Spring equinox) and has steered the council into putting some good timbers aside for the repair work. Arram’s discovery of those ancient cisterns near town has got the interest of the council - Blake would like Arram and the usual troubleshooters to go investigate, in the hope that there will be at least one noteworthy positive in his tenure as Mayor.
 
Shev: I keep wondering why they send the school teacher out for this kind of thing, then I remember he’s probably one of the most powerful spellcasters in Selversgard.
Gonno OoC: No doubt the cisterns were discovered decades ago, and put into the ‘To Do’ list. 
Arram OoC: And their wives are getting a bit too friendly with the schoolteacher, let’s get him out of town for a bit.
Shev OoC: They want to find out what 18 Charisma looks like under the hood.
 
Gonno’s daughter Ionia has very sharp teeth, to the point that Shev provides a teething aid used by Ysoki infants - thick leather on the end of a stick, dipped in honey.
 
Shev: Let me know the first time she escapes her bassinet.
Gonno: *alarmed expression*
 
Arram: Anyway, thank you for letting us borrow your husband, we’re going to drop him in a cistern.
Galiante: He’ll be fine, especially if you drop him on his head.
Gonno: *amused snort*
Arram: I love this woman. In a purely platonic manner.
 
The site of the first cistern is overgrown with Redvine, a particularly vicious albeit natural plant with two-inch thorns. Further in there’s wild roses, even more refractory than the redvine, but in the middle is a marble statue of a naked elven girl. It looks like it was set up as a fountain, once.
 
Skave: Stop staring, Gonno, you’re married!
 
Skave, investigating the statue for whatever mechanism ran the pump, discovers that the whole thing rotates to reveal an inspection hatch for the cistern, which is over 100ft across. That’s enormous, considering none of us are aware of any ancient settlements anywhere near Selversgard that would have required that much water. Skave uses his recently booklearned knowledge of architecture to figure out this cistern is likely Thassalonian.
 
Skave: Amazing! Selversgard must have been built upon the ruins of an ancient Thassalonian Civilization!
Arram: Most of *Varisia* is built on the ruins of an ancient Thassalonian civilization.  
 
We descend into the tank.
 
Gonno OoC: So on top of having real jobs we’re apparently also part-time plumbers.
Skave OoC: If we go through a pipe and end up in a kingdom of mushrooms, I’m out of here.
 
The only pipe we can actually see is the one leading up to the fountain, although there’s also a larger barred opening in the floor that probably leads to the other cisterns. The entire place is weirdly pristine - there’s nothing organic down here at all.
 
Gonno: Hmm. (remind me, can Gelatinous Cubes squeeze through bars?)
GM: Indeed they can.
 
It’s just as well Arram lobs a glowing stone ahead of us as we inspect the connecting pipes - there is indeed a transparent ooze filling the pipe, and creeping in our direction. A certain amount of cursing ensues - so many of us have Darkvision that we didn’t bother bringing torches. 
 
Peanut Gallery: All villager mobs must carry torches and pitchforks! It’s mandatory!
 
It doesn’t help that Shev’s musket keeps misfiring on the second shot. 
 
The Gelatinous Cube had also eaten a few coins and something that Skave confidently announces is a Gelatinous Cube egg, until he gets a closer look and realises it’s the thorax of a very very big ant. Maybe there was something to those rumours last year. We advance down the tunnel, carefully probing ahead with ten foot poles and glowing rocks. The next cistern is partly collapsed. Unfortunately the first three people that climb up from the connecting tunnel fail their perception checks and blunder into the snare lines of a giant black widow spider. There’s another dead giant ant here too. They might be coming through the hole in the wall. And the grate underneath the third cistern is covered with some kind of papery substance. Miya drills through it, and gets a faceful of some foul-smelling powder in her face in response. It’s ant frass. 
 
This is a problem - drowning out the nest will poison the cisterns, even if we could somehow set up a flume to refill the tanks without being swarmed. 

 

Gonno OoC: You have to wonder why people become adventurers, when you can make 500gp a year with a real job, AND get to sleep in a proper bed every night
Shev OoC: Because you can make that in an hour as an adventurer. All the money you need to set yourself up for life is a few miles away, and all you need is a shovel!
Arram OoC: And a few friends with a propensity for violence.
Shev OoC: And if you play your cards right you’ll have fewer friends when you come back!
 
That morbid observation leads to a discussion of the rapidly approaching old age of the Ysoki, and the various ways the denizens of Golarion can avoid a final interview with the Goddess of Death.
 
Recently Dead Druid:  You know, I remember the last few times I was here.
Psychopomp: What, really?
RDD: Yeah. Isn’t that moon getting closer?
Psychopomp: Wait, WHAT???
RDD: *runs off to get reincarnated while the psychopomp is looking the other way* Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop
 
If we do have to go into the ant nest, maybe we should go in through the midden - if we smell bad enough maybe the ants will just dump us in the midden again rather than try and kill us. We end up using the collapsed wall in the second cistern. The chamber we enter has large supporting hollow pillars, a gravel floor, and three very large and aggressive ants. 
 

 
The hollow pillars are part of the ant’s air conditioning system. What a pity none of us know Cloudkill. 
 
Arram: The first lesson at wizard school is that you have to be in the front line to use your area-effect spells.
Miya: The drawback is that you go down if someone sneezes on you.
Arram: You play a dangerous game before you get to the whole ‘phenomenal cosmic power’ thing.
Miya: ’How did you get to be an old wizard? ‘By not adventuring, obviously’
 
The next chamber has four ants. Hopefully this isn’t a pattern forming. One of them is carrying a humanoid leg, wearing an elaborate boot. Unfortunately, once we finish off the ants and investigate, we’re attacked by the giant Assassin Bug disguised as the trash heap. We decide to retreat to Selversgard, recover, and re-equip with stuff more appropriate to the situation.
 
Arram: Pity we’re too far from Alkenstar to get the best weapons.
Shev: Which?
Miya and Arram: Flamethrowers.
Shev: OK, appropriate, but we’ve got a flamethrower right here *gestures at Arram* but he’s running out of juice.
Miya: So do the ones from Alkenstar.
 
Miya, as well as being poisoned by the ant frass, has also contracted a rather debilitating illness known to the locals as Red Ache. Gonno has some healing knowledge, and offers to have a stab at it.
 
Miya: Please Do Not Stab Anything
 
We really need to find a solution to the ant problem that won’t leave us with a poisoned cistern. 
 
Miya: I’m really tempted to send off for that flamethrower now. F***ing Ants!!!
 
Nobody recognises the leg, or the sandal, and nobody has heard of any missing persons in the area. At least our discovery proves that while those lumberjacks last year may have been drunk, they weren’t imagining the giant ants. When we heal up we return to the ant nest, and proceed with caution, only attacking ants when we outnumber them - not a sentence that gets said often. We discover that the ant with the leg emerged from natural caverns, which raises some alarming possibilities about the owner of the leg, although the crazy cave-dwelling elves aren’t usually seen this close to the surface. 
 
The ants are also fungus farmers, cultivating Fly Agarics the size of people, among other things.
 
Miya: Nobody set the place on fire.
Gonno OoC: I also wonder where we’re going to get a reindeer big enough.
Miya: ... what? Oh. OH. OH GOD NO. We’ll ask the druids. 
 
The big mushroom is also a Shrieker - something to avoid unless we want to be swarmed by giant ants. The chamber beyond has more ants than adventurers, but fortunately the connecting tunnel is so narrow we can pick them off one by one as they come through. But THESE giant ant soldiers can spray formic acid. Vok the giant riding rat ducks. Unfortunately Shev was riding him at the time. 
 
Skave: Hold back, Gonno, we’ve deployed the meat shield.
Arram: Yes, giant rats are good for that.
Skave: I was talking about Shev, Vok is more important.
Miya: You can tell they’re brothers, can’t you?
Shev: … at least I don’t blow myself up on a regular basis. 
 
This chamber is evidently the nursery - larvae and pupae.
 
Arram: What’s the generation time of an ant?
Miya: 14-15 minutes.
Arram: What????
 
Skave scouts ahead, and returns at speed - he’s found the royal chamber and the remaining ants. 
 
Skave’s player: Boy, am I glad I’m the Utility character.
Shev’s player: Yeah - now be of utility. 
 
Which might be considered a bit harsh, given Skave HAS been of more utility so far - Shev is not doing well with his attacks today. Arram Enlarges himself with one of Skave’s potions, leans forward over the melee, and toasts most of the ants. We’re also quite fortunate that the Queen focuses most of her attacks on Vok, but then the giant riding rat is the largest enemy close to her - at least until Arram gets in range.
 
Miya: You keep punching women in the face today, Gonno, what will your wife say?
Shev: That she was a b**** and deserved it?
 
Skave finds the skeleton of a dwarf in the garbage heap - the actual garbage heap, not the giant Assassin Bug from earlier. Given how intact the remains are, they presumably fed him to their larvae. His armour is intact too - Adamantium chainmail. 
 
Skave: If we’re careful undoing the links, brother, maybe we can get two chain shirts out of it. 
Arram: Ha! Good luck undoing adamantine links!
GM: You don’t have the tools to work Adamantium.
Skave: We don’t have the tools HERE.
 
He had a magical cube in his bag. It’s charged with Divination magic.
 
Shev: At least it’s not Conjuration. No chance of summoning the weird skinny guy with all the nails in his head. 
 

Pathfinder - Selversgard - Pt.12
 
4713AR
 
Shev has expanded his first business and now has a fellow Ysoki in his employ running a regular package run along the Skull River, taking advantage of the all-terrain nature of the riding rats that he has been breeding. He has also established a hunting lodge about half a day’s trek out of town to tend to the forest and hopefully host the occasional hunt for out-of-town worthies.
 
Shev’s player: There’s more than one way to read that last bit.
Gonno’s player: The Most Dangerous Game
GM: No, around here the Most Dangerous Game is the Tarrasque.
 
Arram is just on his way home one evening when he hears screams down the street, from the Yellow House, Selversgard’s brothel. The owner of the business, an elven sorceress, is helping one of her employees out of the building.
 
Sennsa-Auel: Oh thank goodness - I’ve driven it off, but can you get Mara to Mother Maybell?
Arram: What happened?
Sennsa-Auel: A ghost, if you can believe it. A f***ing ghost!
 
The wounds are certainly weird, and a wandering ghost is also very weird - as Selversgard’s only magical healer (aside from Remilda), Mother Maybell the Pharasman priestess is the closest thing we have to an authority on the undead. She suspects the ghost has a touch that causes flesh to tear itself apart.
 
Krigor, the current mayor, is just as baffled as everybody else. Why the heck would Selversgard have a ghost? Unless it’s because they’ve opened the Tolland Manor for the first time in years. There’s no sign of the John that was in the room with Mara - one Jesse Garund. Jesse is married, so his wife isn’t going to be happy when she finds out what he’s been up to during the evening. Doesn’t explain why some kind of ghost bride would take an interest in his extracurriculars, though. 
 
Remilda: You should get Shev, he hunts *anything*
 
Skave has some information - he’s been looking into the fall of the Tolland family. Their downfall began when their eldest daughter Emilia took her own life 40 years ago, rather than go ahead with an arranged marriage to an old mining magnate from Magnimar. It’s certainly a recipe for a ghost. Apparently she stabbed herself repeatedly on the morning of her wedding, in her room. Of course, there were no actual witnesses. And the room was locked. 
 
It would seem we have to investigate a 40 year old death. At least Krigor was captain of the militia at the time, and Gonno had been living in the town for decades. 
 
Miya: I believe you call that ‘being a suspect’
GM: Gonno is many things but ‘fitting through that window’ is not one of them.
Shev: I keep forgetting how old you people all are.
Skave: I’m going to go get as much holy water as I can carry.
Shev: You’ll have to wake Mother Maybell again.
 
Both Krigor and Gonno accepted the version of events they’d been given at the time, being unwilling to pry into the tragedy. This, in retrospect, was probably a mistake, especially if the ghost of Emilia is floating around. We should also check that Jesse Garund actually made it home. We’re met at the door by Liz Garund, who is about 8 ½ months pregnant.
 
Shev: Let’s not give her any shocks.
 
Jesse is not home yet - Liz was expecting him home from the pub an hour ago. She is distressed to hear that there was an attack, although we spare her the details such as where it happened. Shev panics a bit when Liz needs help, but after what happened to his sister-in-law that’s not surprising.
 
Shev blows his Vok-summoning whistle - we need to find the missing farmer, on a cold, moonless, windy night. Apparently he ran off into the woods, through one of the many gaps in the town’s palisade.
 
Shev: Of course they haven’t finished the palisade, they want to leave Selversgard room to expand - BUT THEN NEVER EXPAND. I’m getting very very tired of council meetings.
 
Vok and Shev track him down to where he is huddled shivering, under a bush.
 
Jesse: Shev? That you?
Shev: Let’s get you some pants and get you back to your wife - and no, I have no interest in telling your wife where you were. Do you need to ride Vok?
Jesse: I can’t ride your rat! I don’t have any pants!
Arram: Terrible manners to rub your junk on another man’s rat.
 
Shev also intends to order proper boots for everybody in town. Jesse has no idea why the ghost of Emilia Tolland is out and about.
 
Jesse: There haven’t been any Tollands in 30 years?
Arram: Famously, ghosts are of dead people.
 
Jesse has a few more details about the Tollands - the mother died of the Blue Plague shortly after the death of her daughter, and the father died of a heart attack while seeking a new and younger bride. There was a persistent rumour that he was ‘exerting himself’ with the young women at the time. Jesse also says that he was ‘exerting himself’ with Mara when the ghost appeared, moaned, and he fled in unreasoning terror.
 
Shev has heard that the ghosts of those who died in terror can inflict that terror on other people.
 
Arram: That’s not what I read into it when he said moaned. I just thought ‘coward’.
Shev: Okay. OK. I keep forgetting that it’s always sex with you hairless ones.
 
It’s also weird that the ghost was driven off by Madam Senn’s magic missiles. We can only speculate that neither Mara or Jesse were actually the ghost’s target. We’re going to have to check the family crypt - after we consult Mother Maybell.
 
Shev: She’s just going to have to live with being woken up.
Mother Maybell: At four AM?
Shev: Take it up with your goddess.
Mother Maybell: I do. Regularly.
 
Mother Maybell consults the books and diaries left to her by her predecessor, although his handwriting leaves something to be desired. Apparently Emilia’s family had the officiating cleric attempt to Raise Emilia from the dead, but she refused the call. Maybell even has the cleric’s account, but his handwriting was just as bad. It would appear the mining magnate was Chelish - no wonder the girl didn’t want to marry an Asmodean. But he DID note a force of Disruption on the Tolland house, but couldn’t identify it.
 
Arram: I can’t see an Asmodean cleric getting very far with bad handwriting. 
Miya: Imagine the Contracts. 
Maybell: Oh, I see what happened  - this is a copy. *sigh*
 
Apparently the priest in question is now one of the High Priests of Asmodeus in the capital of Cheliax - Mother Maybell has exchanged letters with him in the past.
But none of this explains why Emilia would come back NOW. We borrow the key to the old burial ground crypts. Of course none of us are equipped to face down a ghost - there’s a blanch Skave can make that will suitably enchant a weapon, but he needs Ghost Salt first to make it.
 
Shev: So first I need to take out this ghost, before I can take out this ghost. 
Arram: Right.
 
That probably explains why half of us completely botch the Perception checks at the crypt - we’re all glancing around so nervously we don’t actually see anything. We certainly don’t see the three Ghouls and a Ghast that burst out of the overgrowth and attack. Given their stench, speed, and paralysing bites, this could well be the end of us. Happily Skave stabs one right through the eye with his rapier, and Gonno literally punches one of their heads off. After the third ghoul gets killed the ghast runs off, despite the fact half of us are already paralysed.
 
Of course this MIGHT explain why Emilia is active - the ghouls have been disturbing the graves. At least there isn't some necromancer from the Twilight Academy in the crypt, and Emilia’s remains appear intact, apart from the stab wounds to her belly. Her mother’s body is not here - she would have been cremated as a plague victim. Her father is still here, as is his gold pocket watch. Nobody has been looting the bodies. We lock up the crypt.
 
 We’ll still have to hunt down the ghast - easier than it might be, given its horrendous stink.

AAAAAAAGH! NOOOOO!

Pathfinder: In Hell Bright Shadow - The Millionaire Waltz
 


 
While the rest of the party's outfits for the party are pretty elaborate, Terzo’s Red Death costume is the most elaborate at the entire Masque, but he’s prepared for any questions.
 
Terzo: I thought it was appropriate, given the venue, unless you think there’s already a monster lurking in the basement?
 
This rather barbed joke is, of course, aimed at Barzillai Thrune, but it does trigger some rather alarming conjectures in Civilla, particularly about what might have happened to Shensen, Kintargo’s opera diva who has been missing since the takeover.
 
Terzo’s player: How many feet in a mile?
Civilla’s player: I don’t f***ing know?!
Rajira’s player (and the only actual American in the group): I’m sorry, I don’t speak Obsolete. 
 
Terzo: We might not have a specific reason to be here but I wouldn't object if, say, Thrune falls down the stairs and breaks his neck.
Ayva: Oh look, he’s coming down the main staircase to make an announcement. I cast Grease.
Rajira: Let’s not do that because if you do they’ll crucify you and I’m not going to stop them.
Ayva: Oh Rajira, I thought you liked me.
Rajira: If they crucify you, we’ll have to rescue you and I might get killed.
Ayva: Ah, there it is.
 
We bring some of those potions of invisibility with us. It’ll help with our sneaking around, if any of the dotarri seems particularly observant.
 
Terzo: And we might have to get out in a hurry if it all goes Terzo-shaped.
 
We get to work mingling, picking up rumours, and sidling off to explore the off-limits parts of the Opera House while our other party members distract people with entertaining anecdotes and the like. And try to locate our allies in the crowd, since it seems half the attendees turned up in the same costumes. Rajira soon locates Lady Docur, although she’s as much a rival as an ally since they’re both spymasters. Terzo spots Vendalfek at the refreshments table, magically disguised as a drunken halfling and helping himself to platefuls of food. Ayva finds the Archbaroness, who is not pretending to be anything other than the frighteningly powerful woman she actually is. Civilla, with her plus-one, spots Captain Sargaeta and HIS plus-one nipping into one of the private booths upstairs.
 
Civilla: Huh. Well, that could be funny. For the dance. 
Ayva: Ooh, a Doubles!
 
The four of them on the dancefloor is certainly a great opportunity to whisper messages to each other and set up the next stage of Civilla’s masterplan for the evening. Terzo provides distraction by expounding at length about the future of Kintargo opera to a circle of partygoers.
 
Terzo: Because of course*Thrune’s announcement will be that he’s reopening the opera.
 
Ayva and Rajira are exploring the off-limits areas above the stage, and are rather surprised there are no guards around - it’s an obvious spot to snipe from. They do find a cache of various magical healing supplies, however. The underground areas will probably be rather more difficult to explore without being noticed, but Ayva and Rajira can be very sneaky indeed.
 
Civilla does get a bit of a shock at 10PM, when Thrune comes out onto the stage where she and the others were dancing.
 
Ayva: Hark, yon scary douche.
Civilla: Well, douche.
 
Thrune: Good evening, honoured guests, and citizens of Kintargo, and welcome to the Ruby Masquerade. I am glad that everyone has begun in earnest. Tonight, I shall make my first announcement short: I must thank all of Kintargo for bearing with me during my transition as lord mayor, and can finally announce that the worst is behind us - Effective tomorrow morning, Kintargo may return to it's former glory, as the city curfew will be no more!
Crowd: *Rousing cheers* 
PCs: *privately waiting for the other shoe to drop*
Thrune: I will be making one more announcement during the Unmasking ceremony at Midnight. I am sure that you will all be greatly surprised and delighted by the news I will be giving you all... But until then, I would like to ask any willing participants to come up onto the stage and perform in a classic Chellish competition: The Dance of the Damned!
 
Civilla rightly suspects that NOT participating will reflect badly on us, even if it IS a hell-themed dance-off. Terzo requires some encouragement - his own religious beliefs mean he wants little to do with devils, even if they’re merely dance judges with ornamental pitchforks.
 
Civilla: Terzo, come along - you might not be as spry as you once were but surely you remember this much.
Terzo: That’s not the problem - I have religious objections to the entire theme.
Civilla: *hisses* You have religious objections? I’m a follower of the f***ing Redeemer Queen. SUCK IT UP!
 
Civilla and Avya both last to the end of the dance contest, partly thanks to Ayva’s sorcerer-level Charisma. Thrune is not entirely pleased with this result. By the rules of the ‘Dance of the Damned’ that makes them the ‘Saviours’ and Thrune was clearly expecting everybody to be eliminated by poor dancing and fatigue so ‘Lord Asmodeus could feast well’. Plus, now Thrune has to split the prize - a gold and ruby crown - between two people.
 
Civilla: I saw her dance, she clearly out-performed me.
Thrune: Very well *crowning Ayva*  I'll keep my eye on you for the rest of the night.
 
(the MASSIVE XP reward is also welcome - nice to see a challenge that actually requires social Skills)
 
As well as various things we’ve already resolved (or as actually responsible for) we do hear a very odd rumor after the dance-off. Somebody saw a blue dragon with a pentagram carved on its chest perched on the roof of the opera house last night. That sounds like the kind of devil-binding Asmodeans do (and that was done to the real Nox).
Despite Thrune’s increased attention, Ayva manages to sneak away again, and among other things finds the room that Thrune’s been using as a bedroom, at least until very recently. One feature is a life-sized statue of an elven woman, holding a scimitar in a position of horrified defense. She looks familiar. We’ve found out what happened to Shemsen. We have a few ways to get the petrified diva out of here - one option is turning her into a tattoo. Of course we’ll still have to de-petrify her. 
 
Civilla: Give me four days…….Two days……..One day and I’ll make an option that’ll work twice.
 
Civilla: I’ve just had a nasty thought - he’s not sleeping in that room anymore but the statue is still there. Time for Nox to make her appearance.
 
We pass off that miniature painting of our fake Nox to our agents in the Opera House, to hide behind a curtain somewhere out of the way. Rajira also discovers one of the ways Thrune is preventing any exploration of the underground levels - six hellhounds on patrol. Happily, even they can’t spot Rajira when she’s about her business. 
 
Everybody hurries back to the main hall in time for the unmasking - Civilla and Ayva are invited to join Barzillai on stage.
 
Civilla: … Of course we are.
 
This could be very bad - he IS an Inquisitor, Civilla is carrying a concealed weapon, and Thrune already has reasons to dislike her even before the unmasking and realises who she actually is.
 
GM: Everybody make Sense Motive checks.
All: f**********.

Thrune: And thus we come to the conclusion of tonight’s festivities. I would like to thank each and every one of you for making the Ruby Masquerade a night to truly remember.
 
Thrune’s dottari guards have blocked all the exits. Others are leading a chained woman up onto the stage. A woman that looks very like Nox. The Ghosts of Kintargo and our various allies have a sudden premonition that the manure is about to hit the windmill.
 
Civilla has made more than one compact during her rise to power, and one of those deals was made after she and Ayva originally created the fake Nox. That contract was made with the Bone Devil Cizmerkis, who had been responsible for the binding of Nox to House Thrune.
 
"In return for a boon no later than one year that does not violate Civila's ethics or morals, the Bone Devil known as Cizmerkis shall provide and maintain absolute confidentiality on the following items. The Contract that he held with Nox. The disposition of Nox's Soul. The contract detailed herein.”  
But when you make a deal with a devil, they’re eventually going to collect. She hears a voice in her head.
 
Cizmerkis: Ah, good, you’re in a perfect position to strike. I’m calling in that favor now. The Thrune has angered me, and I would like to cause a bit of Chaos… Kill him.
 
Civilla’s thoughts race through every possible reading of the contract, and whether this is a valid boon for the devil to claim. Killing Thrune in front of 300 witnesses might reflect badly on House Alazario, for one thing. 
 
Civilla: … F***.
 
Thrune: We have reached a turning point, all of us in Kintargo, and from this night onward, the city will look to what occurred this evening as a rallying point. A point where the city’s true villains were revealed, and it's true heroes were forced to save the day. A point where the so-called Ghosts of Kintargo showed their true colors—the colors of blood, of betrayal, and of death! Thank you, loyal sacrifices of Kintargo, for offering yourselves as the martyrs this city so desperately needs!
Civilla: DISPEL MAGIC - THRUNE.
 
The spell strips off just one of the dogbotherer’s many protections. He whirls on her in surprise and outrage.
 
Thrune: BETRAYER!
 
 
 
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Bright Shadow : Hammer To Fall
 
When you’re living in an authoritarian state run by the literal forces of Hell, you soon learn to watch your words carefully. Kintargo might be wildly permissive compared to the rest of Chelliax, and being of Good alignment isn’t illegal (yet), and being a worshipper of one of the Good gods isn’t illegal (yet), but since Barzillai Thrune arrived and declared he was now in charge, the authorities don’t need much excuse to arrest you, torture you (with fire), Infernally Heal you (more fire), repeat the process until you’ve incriminated all your friends and family members (repeat applications of fire) and if you’ve been a suitably large nuisance Maledict you and send your soul to Hell (see above). 
 
Even if you’re somebody that puts their duty to their heart before their duty to their country - which shouldn’t be difficult when the country is Chelliax - there is the very real threat that actually acting on any of that will not only get you horribly killed but also everybody you care about, even if they weren’t involved. So, to protect them, you drop any contact with them, and don’t do anything that could threaten them. Of course, this is an entirely desirable outcome as far as the Chellish government is concerned, and one reason Terzo drinks more than is healthy for him.
 
But then you get somebody doing something so egregious he annoys a good chunk of the population, and suddenly there’s no shortage of people with similar points of view. And that’s why, in the months after Barzillai Thrune shut down the opera, there’s a highly motivated rebellion brewing in Kintargo, and why Terzo, his friends, and large number of the rebellion’s operatives, are currently attending a masquerade ball announced by Thrune, at the Kintargo Opera House.
 
Terzo: Hopefully he won’t have a Zone of Truth set up at the door and ask everybody if they’re acting against the government of Chelliax.
 
On the other hand, our various teams of ninjas and socialites have the opera house so thoroughly mapped we even know where the secret rooms are. And we also have that secret base under the coffee shop with the shrine to Calistria that will boost our will saves against hypothetical Zones of Truth or similar compulsions. And if they're checking people for sword canes it won’t help them either, since Civilla has a sword parasol. It Shrinks to accessory-sized too. Civilla is taking Shimza as their plus-one, although the effects of the of Sex Change Elixir they’ve both been taking have likely been interesting, given that there’s no real visible change in either of them.
 
The rebellion has confirmed that Barzillai has ordered the construction of chambers beneath the opera house, some of which almost certainly connect to the endless caverns that run beneath the continent. This is a bit odd - House Thrune is more likely to build connections to the depths of Hell rather than the depths of the Underworld. 
 
Since our rebellion is crafted around being completely unnoticed right up until it’s time to stab Thrune in the neck, we pass a number of secrecy checks without much difficulty.
 
GM: *sigh* you have one of your Tengu in place as a security guard. SOMEHOW. AND you have a copy of the skeleton key that opens most of the doors in the building.
Civilla: Oh nonono, it’s not a Tengu, it’s the Dire Corby. It’s HER.
Avya: We’re all going to die.
Rajira: Who needs a murder of crows when we can just have a murder.
 
Rumour has it that Thrune will make an appearance at the end of the Ruby Masquerade and announce a lifting of some of the restrictions he’s placed on the city.
 
Terzo: A velvet glove around the iron fist.
 
Civilla nonetheless passes on word to the various rebellion cells to hold back on any troublemaking for the time being - if Thrune thinks the rumour is actually working, he’ll be doubly surprised by the aforementioned neck-stabbing.
 
Terzo is going to the Masque in a ludicrously over-the-top Red Death costume. He looks completely ridiculous, given his build compared to that of the famous opera character, but it will hopefully come as a great shock to Thrune’s dottari that, like the character, Terzo is actually an accomplished fencer. 
 

 
Civilla has also created a Costume Bureau, a Wondrous Item that can generate four complete outfits a day. 
 
Civilla: You CANNOT go to the ball like that - here, put this on. 
 
Although the outfits disintegrate after 24 hours.
 
Civilla: I’m doing better than Cinderella’s fairy godmother anyway. Actually that’s not a bad retirement option, maybe I’ll be a fairy godmother for a while.
 
Rajira is coming in a scandalously sheer outfit dripping with rubies. Shimza and Civilla’s outfits are matching mirror-images. Although a Dispel Magic would be unfortunate, since it would dispel the Glamour and the actual clothing. Luster (Civilla’s Homunculus) has an exact match of Civilla’s outfit, which is cute right up until the homunculus smiles - all the way back to the ears. Vino (her Capuchin Familiar) is wearing a matching waistcoat.  Ayva’s outfit might not display the same level of wealth, but does reflect her position in the social strata appropriately.
Everybody that attends the ball in an exceptional outfit has an advantage going in.
 
Civilla: MERELY exceptional??
 
Apparently Barzillai will be leading the Dance of the Damned an hour after the 300 or so guests are let in. And after the unmasking at midnight he’ll be making an announcement about the future of the city. Surprisingly, it looks like there’s representatives from most walks of life. Whilst quite a few of our allies are supposed to be dead or otherwise keeping a very low profile, we ensure Captain Sargaeta and his plus-one; the halfling Laria Longroad; Mialari Docur (founder of Lady Docur’s School for Girls and spymaster); and Archbaroness Eldonna Aulamaxa are also in the crowd - if the situation does hit the fan we’ll need help holding Thrune down for the neckstabbing. The fairy dragon Vendalfek is also attending, in a snazzy waistcoat, but nobody can see him since he’s invisible. It’s not like he’d miss a party.
 
Among the changes Thrune has made to the public levels are taking out all the seating, replacing the statue of the Opera’s founder with one of himself, various vainglorious painting of himself or literal hellscapes, a shrine to Asmodeus, three caged cockatrices hanging over the crowd, and no paintings of Queen Abrogail II. That last bit is very odd, given Thrune’s own proclamations.
 
Proclamation the Second   All places of public business must display in a position of prominence within the first room accessible from the building’s primary entrance a portrait of Her Infernal Majestrix Queen Abrogail II. Said portrait must measure no less than 11×17 inches.  
Terzo: Hmm. ‘A Rule for thee, but not for me’.
Ayva: I think he’s got us on a technicality.
Terzo: True - I don’t suppose the Opera House counts as a place of business, after he closed it. 
Civilla: It’s exactly the level of sophistry that we operate at, so we’ll leave it alone.
 
It certainly doesn’t seem wise to provoke Her Infernal Majestrix - she became the Queen under unusual circumstances - if you count her father Infrexus drowning in a country with no shortage of high-level clerics who can cast Raise Dead as unusual. But be that as it may, removing the statues and pre-existing paintings is just another attempt to destroy Kintargo’s history, probably, after the Redactors and whatever weird circumstance altered the memories even of very long-lived individuals that were actually around for events that nobody can seem to recall anymore. It is, after all, very odd that nobody seems to know how Kintargo and the surrounding area actually became part of Chelliax.
 
Civilla: My family are rather invested in the question of what happened to Kintargo’s history. In fact that was my first thought when I heard Thrune was digging - *he knows something*.
 
Terzo: Anybody want to place a bet on him dropping the cockatrices into the crowd at the climax of the night?
Rajira: Probably not, but it won’t mean we won't.
 

Having converted the minotaurs into wedding attire, the troubleshooters of Selversgard turn back towards the village. Shev travels far ahead, no doubt out of his excitement about the upcoming wedding, leaving the rest of us at something of a disadvantage when the weather takes a turn for the worse.
 
Miya: How do we know it’s a bad storm? The Treants have f***ed off into a cave.
GM: Can I get a Survival check from somebody?
Arram: You COULD but Shev isn’t here.
 
We huddle under an overhang without even the benefit of a giant riding rat to huddle against. At least Prestidigitation and Ember Pots get us warm and dry-ish, so we won’t be reenacting any Jack London stories. 
 
Shev’s player: ?
Gonno’s player: To Build A Fire. A short story about someone who repeatedly fails his Survival checks. 
 
A conversation is had about adventurers, and exactly what kind of mental damage makes running off to clear out a nest of vampires sound like a good idea.
 
Skave: At least contracting vampirism might solve the problem of my 30 year lifespan? How am I supposed to get anything done in three decades, is what I want to know.
Gonno: *tactfully not mentioning that he has a potential lifespan of hundreds of years* You could always take a run at the Starstone.
Arram: As I understand it, if you survive it you either become a god or the servant of a god. Is that the kind of immortality you actually want?
Gonno OoC: I’m picturing exactly what kind of principles Skave The God would embody. Unnecessarily Large Explosions, probably. He’d get on well with Nethys at least.
 
Miya’s pregnancy has started to show - since she’s non-human, there’s a chance of complications. At least she’s told her husband about them.
 
Miya: There’s a non-zero chance of kits instead of babies.
 
We hear somebody yelling for help out in the torrential rain - after some mental calculations about the odds of a second Leucrotta lurking in the woods around here, we investigate. 
 
Gonno: Hopefully not another idiot wizard from the Twilight Academy.
Arram: Well I’m good, I’m a sorcerer from the Twilight Academy.
Gonno OoC: Somebody needs to investigate the water supply at the Academy, because at the rate that their students go mad, wander off into the woods, or express other antisocial behaviour, I suspect the lead pipes are corroding
Miya OoC: There is likely an eldritch horror in the Attic and the basement, the lunch lady is a lich and the whole thing can be described as Creepy Spooky Haunted and Hydrocolonic.

There’s two human men, one of whom has carelessly misplaced an arm, being carried by the other. Both need immediate medical aid.
 
Arram: Anything following you we need to know about?
Chist: I.. I think we got away from it?
Arram: Just in case you didn’t, what was ‘it’?
 
Alveson and his less-mangled friend are from the Order of the Nail - Hell-knights. Hopefully they don't notice the way Gonno tenses up, since there’s no way the hell-knights have forgotten about his wife who escaped Cheliax, and the Order of the Nail are one of the most hard-line of the lot.
 
Arram OoC: They’re basically everybody that’s ever played a paladin wrong. 
 
Apparently the Hell-knights were out here to open a Gate, so they could escort a pair of Devils back to their base. This is nothing particularly unusual for Hell-knights, but it wasn’t the devils they expected that came through. 
 
Chist: There were four of them - they were humanoid. But blue.
Arram and Skave: ….
Chist: And covered in chains!
Arram: I was just about to ask that. 
Miya: Welp, we’re stuffed.
 
It’s hardly surprising that four Chain Devils was two much for two hell-knights.
 
Chist: It wasn’t just the two of us, we came out here with five others.
All: ….
Chist: I think the mage got three of them with a Flame Blast.
Arram: Yes yes, very good, it’s just that I believe Chain Devils have Regeneration.
 
At least the Gate closed after the remaining Clive Barker ripoff ripped off his various limbs. Leaving an open doorway to Hell seems like a bad thing. Going after four Chain Devils would also be a bad thing. We decamp in a hurry, but note as we leave that the still-ambulatory Hell-knight has a glowing rune painted on his chest.  Apparently that was part of the Gate-opening ritual. 
 
Arram: Well. That’s not good.
 
None of us have the Erase spell to sever the connection. And while Miya will happily flay the skin off him ( ‘Create Treasure Map’ as Skave puts it ) we don’t know if the rune connects his body or his lifeforce to the gate. It’s likely that killing him wlll sever the connection, but messing with the connection will likely kill him even if we don’t want to. And it’s possible the devils can use the rune to track Chist down, and possibly use him to force the Gate open again.
 
Miya: It’s probably quicker to go home.
Chist: Where’s home?
Miya: Thattaway. Or thataway? Give me a second.
Arram: Selversgard.
Chist: I haven't heard of it.
Arram: It’s small. Small enough that four chain devils could kill everybody there.
 
It’s a ten-day trip south to reach the Order of the Nail’s keep. Although if we can get back to the boats we left on the riverbank on the trip down, we can go downriver much faster than on foot. Very much faster, given what the weather is likely doing to the river’s flow.
 
Arram: Shev is probably going overland back to Selversgard anyway, on the All-terrain Rat Express.
 
The problem is finding where we left the boats, in horrendous weather, at night, while trying to avoid pursuit. We recamp. After force feeding him some healing potions, Alveron comes to, and confirms that the head wizard with their party screwed up, and opened the gate into a Chain Devil slave camp.
 
Skave: …. Well, that’s the worst possible wrong number.
Arram: I feel beholden to suggest mounting a rescue mission. But that is well outside our capabilities.
Miya: So we’re going to leave that to the Hell Knights who screwed up in the first place.
Alveson: That’s fair, that’s really quite fair.
 
Alveson also confirms that the rune is connected to the gate.
 
Alveson: Well, we can resolve that. But it will require a sharp knife and a great deal of pain for my colleague here.
Miya: Oh good, the sensible solution works.
Arram: Hold still, I’m just going to do some Subdual Damage on you with this blunt instrument.
Alveson: Ah, no, that won’t work. He needs to be conscious to will away the connection as we physically sever it.
Skave: … how big is this rune again?
GM: Most of his chest. 
All: … 
Miya: Well, I suppose we could use Arram’s Acid Splash, but either way this is going to SUCK. 
 
Skave has to do the flaying. At least Chist is tied down and gagged as the Ysoki peels off his skin, piece by piece. He even stays conscious for the entire procedure, which takes nine rounds. No doubt because Skave’s paw is shaking a bit. 
 
Skave: You are *exceptionally* lucky you ran into me. 
All: ….
Skave: …Us, I mean Us.

At least the procedure seems to have worked, and when the sun rises we can hurry to the boats. Alveson isn’t going to be much use, sans spellbook and arm, but at least Chist can use that magical boar spear we found, and we still have the spellbook we found in the Leucrotta lair.
 
Arram: Oh gods, that thing - I warn you, the contents have a particular… flavour. Probably all necromancy, and we’re pretty sure it’s bound in human skin.
 
Arram: If that necromancer’s spellbook had Erase in it I’m going to be very embarrassed.
 
When we reach the boats, something is sitting on one of the boats combing her hair.
 
Miya: Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae…
GM: It’s Fae.
Arram: Morning
Naiad: Oh! Good morning! Are these yours?
Arram: Yes, actually.
Naiad: I hope you don’t mind - I was merely using one as a place to sit.
Arram: Not a problem - but you might want to make yourself scarce. There’s a bunch of chain devils on the loose, and some of us have already run afoul of them.
Naiad: Oh, that is NOT good.
Arram: Quite. You might want to let everybody that needs to, know.
 
The Naiad leaves, without turning its Beguiling Aura on Arram or the rest of us.
 
Skave: Well, I’ve learned something - Arram has to be gay.
Miya OoC: He’s a sorcerer, his Charisma is ungodly high.
Arram: It’s all werewolves or Fae around here and personally I’d rather deal with the Fae.
Miya: Fae, werewolves or big f***ing spiders.
 
We leave a message for Shev in a waterproof sack, phrased ambiguously enough that the Chain Devils won’t immediately know which way we went, or that Selversgard is upriver, in case Shev comes looking for us when we don’t turn up. Unfortunately we’re attacked by a giant fish while we travel downstream.
 

 
Skave: *shakes Arram* SET IT ON FIRE, SET IT ON FIRE!
 
Miya gets engulfed.
 
Miya: Tell my husband I love him! Assuming I actually die!
 
Of course this about when Shev catches up with us, and sees us finally subduing the monstrous stickleback.
 
Shev: Pull that on board, that’s good eating!
Arram: Good luck with that, it’s bigger than the boat! Also it’s eaten most of Miya’s arm, we should probably do something about that.
 
We camp on the far side of the river to make things more difficult for the Chain Devils, just in case. Shev also has a camp oven that doesn’t produce smoke or light, which is also helpful in our current situation. For some reason the forest on this side of the river has been replaced with fens - fortunately we can find a dry hollow to camp in.
 
Skave: Keep an eye out for leeches… I need them for alchemy ingredients.
Gonno: Hopefully we’re all smart enough to avoid throat leeches.
 
And Shev never sleeps on the ground anyway - he has two hanging tents with excellent camouflage. Hopefully we won’t wake up with the rest of us dead.
 
Shev’s player: Won’t be the first time I’ve slept through combat.
 
Once again, the party is fortunate that Vokk the Giant Riding Rat is a light sleeper - something is happening near the boats.
 
Shev: Animal companions exist to show us up.
Shev: I’m pretty sure a gunshot is a suitable alarm, but I don’t want to wake the others up if I don’t have to. 
 
It’s a giant dragonfly nymph, settling itself to ambush us in the morning. Shev returns to the camp to prepare breakfast - we can deal with it in the morning. 
 
Shev: Welcome to camping in this forest.
Miya: Giant insects, arachnids, and Fae, oh my!
Shev (upbeat):  Don’t forget the werewolves!
 
Rather more problematic is that something eats half the giant nymph before dawn - and Shev didn’t see or hear what did it. (interesting fact -aquatic insect nymphs are called naiads)
 
Shev: Well, whatever it was it only ate half of it, so it’s not hungry.
 
The rest of the trip to the lake and the Hellknight keep is uneventful - Shev rides Vok in the river while the rest of us continue in the boat. Arrival at the keep is uneventful too - nobody challenges us as we approach. In fact the entire keep is still and silent. This is ominous. The boot sticking out under a bush is more so. It probably wasn’t the bush that beat the boot owner's head in. 
 
Arram: It might be a Whomping Wisteria
 
Whatever did it left all his gear here, including magical armour. And Chist identifies the body as one of the full Hell-knights. He didn’t even have his weapon out.
 
Skave OoC: Preliminary cause of death… murder-hoboes.
Miya OoC: But we’re murder-hoboes!
 
No we’re not - we haven't even looted the corpse yet. Around the corner some unfortunate woman has been pinned to the wall by multiple primitive javelins. And the portcullis has been jammed open with a man-sized boulder. Alveson identifies her as the head mage at the keep.
 
Arram: I’m really hoping whoever did this isn’t here anymore, to be honest. Can we make sure we move anything that’s been spilled on the floor? So we have a clear run for the door if we have to.
 
Neither Chist or Alveson recognise the make of the javelins, so it probably wasn't some group the Hell-knights annoyed recently. Perhaps some Orc warparty out of the Cinderlands? On the other hand, Miya recalls that the nearby town of Biston had a major problems with an infestation of Troglodytes recently, and there is certainly a smell in the keep that Vok does NOT like. Alveson finds the body of his brother among the dead, and is understandably distressed. 
 
We attempt to clear the portcullis - and hear rustling in the bushes. Shev takes aim.
 
Miya: Do we want to call out a warning? ‘Show yourselves or be considered bandits’
 
The warning is somewhat pointless - Troglodytes don’t speak Common. They speak Draconic.
 
Troglodyte: *in Draconic* This is our land now.
Arram: We WERE here to ally with the Hell-knights to fight devils.
Troglodyte: FIGHT devils? They SUMMON devils!
Arram: Yeah sometimes it doesn’t go to plan.
Troglodyte: You side with Hellknights?
Arram: Yeah, these two, at least - I like them.
Troglodyte: KILL THEM ALL
Shev: I don’t speak Draconic but the tone suggests ‘Talks have broken down’.
 
After the fight, which we survive and they don’t, we search the corpses and find a few lucky talismans their shaman gave them.
 
Gonno: I don’t think they worked.
 
Although we don’t have any reason to feel smug about our victory - we don’t know how many troglodytes the Hell-knights managed to kill before they were overwhelmed.
 
Shev: I actually got a second shot off before it misfired!
Miya: Clearly Erastil is pleased with you.
 
Miya: And now we have to deal with the Chain Devils by ourselves.
 
At least it’s only a day more travel to the lakeside fishing town of Biston. It has a population of over 200.
 
Gonno: If I knew we were coming to the big city I’d have got a shopping list from the wife.
 
There are quite a few Hell-knights at their building in the town - it appears they are mustering. That’s helpful - maybe they’re in the mood for a snipe hunt. Their leader Esteria receives Chist and Alveson’s report, and invites all of us up to her office, a small and tasteful room (the shrine to Asmodeus in one corner notwithstanding).
 
Esteria: Leave your rat in the stables, they’ll feed and water it.
Shev: Are they familiar with giant riding rats?
Esteria: They’d better be.
 
Apparently Biston and the outpost haven't been the only targets of troglodyte attacks in the area. She really can’t spare the men to deal with chain devils as well, even though she acknowledges we really aren’t equipped to deal with one, let alone four. On the other hand, if we help her with the troglodyte issue… at least she has a map of the tunnels the hero Biston used to attack the troglodytes from behind, back before he had the town named after him.  Vok can confirm that the tunnel only smells slightly of Troggies. On the other hand, it also smells of Something Else. We head in anyway - we have the advantage of Darkvision that the Hellknights don't. Hopefully we won’t be down here too long - our friends and family might start wondering where we are by the end of the second week. 
 
Before we find any cave dwelling lizard-types, we find a 60ft deep pit, lined with spikes, and including a noteworthy number of naked impaled dwarves. 
 
Arram: How long have they been there?
GM: Well, they’re not… 
Arram: Liquified?
 
It is possible the dwarves slid down the shaft we descended, and straight into the pit trap, but that wouldn’t explain why they’re naked. 
 
Arram: Hey Shev, we need you to climb down this hole full of naked dwarves.
Shev: Fffffffffff-
Arram: Don’t worry, they’re dead.
 


Miya: To be fair we haven’t actually *checked* they’re dead.
 
They are dead, but they’re not dwarves. They might be some other subterranean race, like the sadistic Dero.
 
Gonno OoC:  Richard Sharpe Shaver’s paranoid schizophrenia has a lot to answer for. 
 
It’s also not clear who or why somebody cut their throats and dumped them in the pit.
 
Shev: We’re here to kill trogs, let's go kill trogs. 
 
We find some trogs - guarding the ends of a rope bridge. Each has a gong.
 
Arram: The monk can bullrush one, and when the other one hits the gong you can fire your gun to cover the noise.
 
Gonno does, indeed, run up and push the first Troglodyte into the chasm. The rest of the party use a variety of ranged attacks, of the quieter variety. We are now in position to launch a sneak attack on a village of troglodyte non-combatants.
 
Gonno OoC: And here was me thinking we WEREN’T playing murder-hoboes.
 
Unfortunately, Gonno and Miya, both completely fail to notice that the party is being snuck up on from behind. Despite being at the back of the party precisely to stop this sort of thing happening. 
 
Miya OoC: I’m definitely going to retire and raise kids, things keep trying to eat me. 
 
Gonno doesn’t even notice Miya has been dragged off until a second tentacle wraps around his own neck. Fortunately the rest of the party actually glance over their shoulders and save the pair, without actually alerting the troglodytes with the sound of combat, or wheezing after the Oread and Foxmaid are released. Sneaking closer, we overhear the troglodyte leadership having some kind of argument with drow. This is a perfect opportunity for Arram to cast Web over the entrance to the chamber, and yell, in Draconic, “Our objectives are achieved! Slay the rest of the Troglodytes!”. 
 
GM: Well, you’ve done something very smart
Miya’s player: Are you sure you’re talking about the right game?
 
The drow and troglodytes promptly start murdering each other. We wait to see who survives - the drow priestess is a contender by the look of it. Although she probably wasn’t *planning* on killing one of her own compatriots with an area effect spell, but he was male and who knows with drow.
 
Arram’s player: We’ve just made the GM roll attacks against his own NPCs for 30 minutes.
Shev’s player: Sorry not sorry.
 
Killing a member of her own party was probably a tactical error, since the Troggie king follows up by cutting her in half. He’s also bright enough to start wondering why the supposed drow treachery was yelled in his language, and spots us waiting for more free XP. Still, now it’s 6-to-1 odds in our favour. 
 
Gonno OoC: Although after watching him bisect that elf, we probably shouldn’t have closed to melee range.
 
We find some documents proving the drow were conspiring to use the troglodytes as an organised threat to civilisations on the surface. Also evidence that quite a few drow have been through here. Miya has Arram leave a note - written in Draconic, in the drow’s handwriting, pinned to the late king’s eyesocket “Death to those that betray the Drow”.
 
Unfortunately we then have to sneak back out past the troglodyte village. 
 
Miya: We pick up the sorcerer and leg it.
 
After all these detours, we finally start heading home towards Selversgard.
 
Skave: Brother. This had better be the best wedding ever.
 
It’s also a relief that the chain devils haven’t found Selversgard, but we have a lot to tell the mayor and militia anyway, and a lot of apologies for everybody that's been worried about us. Certainly nothing really major happens for the next nine months, apart from the setting up of a Warrenguard by the ratfolk. 
 
Arram: The first I’m doing after we report to the Mayor is collapse into the bed for 24 hours, after all that bulls***t.
GM: Shev, would you care to make a Diplomacy roll?
Shev: I CAN but it’ll be abysmal.
GM: Would you prefer your brother address the Council?
Shev: He’s just as bad!
 
Although one discovery the ratfolk make while excavating is a hidden tunnel connecting the sewer, a hidden dock north of town, and the boarded-up Tolland Manor in the middle of Selversgard owned by a now extinct family. The rumours of a haunt are one reason it hasn’t been reoccupied. A bigger mystery is who would need a smuggling tunnel - Selversgard has no tariffs. 
 
To everybody’s surprise, Gonno & Galiante are already expecting a second child. Apparently, despite being a tiefling and a part-elemental, they are really compatible. Miya’s sister-in-law  moves in as a nanny for her & Falx’s apparently human son.
 
Gonno: If you ever want privacy again I know where a house is going unused.
 
Alternatively, we can use Tolland Manor as a proper school building - Arram is certainly willing and able to pay the requisite 5000gp to refurbish it, and it's not like potential undead are going to worry somebody who thinks the Twilight Academy is a fine educational institution. Arram is now one of Selversgard’s most eligible bachelors (certainly since the other PCs are all married now) which may explain why that teenager we rescued two years back is inexpertly trying to seduce him. 
 
Skave is a father again as well - but tragically his wife didn’t survive the birth. Even magical healing can only go so far. He’s emotionally ill-equipped to deal with this. So now he has three ratlings to raise, and a wet nurse to find.
 
GM: Miya might be able to do it.
Miya: I have seen rat teeth, so no. Especially if I have to deal with fox teeth as well.
 
Shev finds a bride as well, although is at a loss about what to do next - as far as social adjustment goes he’s not much better than his brother.
 
Miya: I’m afraid my perspective isn’t going to be very useful.
 
All these new children and new marriages (especially to forceful wives like the ratwoman Ranger Cidi) are good reasons to reduce the amount of stabbing gribbly-monster-stabbing we’ve been doing. What do we look like, adventurers?
 
Miya: Something has tried to kill me *every year*.
 
Miya sets up a dojo to train up the Selversgard Militia, but trying to get the council to actually fund the militia is like squeezing blood from a stone. At least we have all that loot from the troglodyte and drow incident to sell, and supply a proper armory and probably pay for a militia too. And maybe if we promote more business connections with the cities downriver, we might have an economy large enough to support actual taxation.
 

Having converted the minotaurs into wedding attire, the troubleshooters of Selversgard turn back towards the village. Shev travels far ahead, no doubt out of his excitement about the upcoming wedding, leaving the rest of us at something of a disadvantage when the weather takes a turn for the worse.
 
Miya: How do we know it’s a bad storm? The Treants have f***ed off into a cave.
GM: Can I get a Survival check from somebody?
Arram: You COULD but Shev isn’t here.
 
We huddle under an overhang without even the benefit of a giant riding rat to huddle against. At least Prestidigitation and Ember Pots get us warm and dry-ish, so we won’t be reenacting any Jack London stories. 
 
Shev’s player: ?
Gonno’s player: To Build A Fire. A short story about someone who repeatedly fails his Survival checks. 
 
A conversation is had about adventurers, and exactly what kind of mental damage makes running off to clear out a nest of vampires sound like a good idea.
 
Skave: At least contracting vampirism might solve the problem of my 30 year lifespan? How am I supposed to get anything done in three decades, is what I want to know.
Gonno: *tactfully not mentioning that he has a potential lifespan of hundreds of years* You could always take a run at the Starstone.
Arram: As I understand it, if you survive it you either become a god or the servant of a god. Is that the kind of immortality you actually want?
Gonno OoC: I’m picturing exactly what kind of principles Skave The God would embody. Unnecessarily Large Explosions, probably. He’d get on well with Nethys at least.
 
Miya’s pregnancy has started to show - since she’s non-human, there’s a chance of complications. At least she’s told her husband about them.
 
Miya: There’s a non-zero chance of kits instead of babies.
 
We hear somebody yelling for help out in the torrential rain - after some mental calculations about the odds of a second Leucrotta lurking in the woods around here, we investigate. 
 
Gonno: Hopefully not another idiot wizard from the Twilight Academy.
Arram: Well I’m good, I’m a sorcerer from the Twilight Academy.
Gonno OoC: Somebody needs to investigate the water supply at the Academy, because at the rate that their students go mad, wander off into the woods, or express other antisocial behaviour, I suspect the lead pipes are corroding
Miya OoC: There is likely an eldritch horror in the Attic and the basement, the lunch lady is a lich and the whole thing can be described as Creepy Spooky Haunted and Hydrocolonic.

There’s two human men, one of whom has carelessly misplaced an arm, being carried by the other. Both need immediate medical aid.
 
Arram: Anything following you we need to know about?
Chist: I.. I think we got away from it?
Arram: Just in case you didn’t, what was ‘it’?
 
Alveson and his less-mangled friend are from the Order of the Nail - Hell-knights. Hopefully they don't notice the way Gonno tenses up, since there’s no way the hell-knights have forgotten about his wife who escaped Cheliax, and the Order of the Nail are one of the most hard-line of the lot.
 
Arram OoC: They’re basically everybody that’s ever played a paladin wrong. 
 
Apparently the Hell-knights were out here to open a Gate, so they could escort a pair of Devils back to their base. This is nothing particularly unusual for Hell-knights, but it wasn’t the devils they expected that came through. 
 
Chist: There were four of them - they were humanoid. But blue.
Arram and Skave: ….
Chist: And covered in chains!
Arram: I was just about to ask that. 
Miya: Welp, we’re stuffed.
 
It’s hardly surprising that four Chain Devils was two much for two hell-knights.
 
Chist: It wasn’t just the two of us, we came out here with five others.
All: ….
Chist: I think the mage got three of them with a Flame Blast.
Arram: Yes yes, very good, it’s just that I believe Chain Devils have Regeneration.
 
At least the Gate closed after the remaining Clive Barker ripoff ripped off his various limbs. Leaving an open doorway to Hell seems like a bad thing. Going after four Chain Devils would also be a bad thing. We decamp in a hurry, but note as we leave that the still-ambulatory Hell-knight has a glowing rune painted on his chest.  Apparently that was part of the Gate-opening ritual. 
 
Arram: Well. That’s not good.
 
None of us have the Erase spell to sever the connection. And while Miya will happily flay the skin off him ( ‘Create Treasure Map’ as Skave puts it ) we don’t know if the rune connects his body or his lifeforce to the gate. It’s likely that killing him wlll sever the connection, but messing with the connection will likely kill him even if we don’t want to. And it’s possible the devils can use the rune to track Chist down, and possibly use him to force the Gate open again.
 
Miya: It’s probably quicker to go home.
Chist: Where’s home?
Miya: Thattaway. Or thataway? Give me a second.
Arram: Selversgard.
Chist: I haven't heard of it.
Arram: It’s small. Small enough that four chain devils could kill everybody there.
 
It’s a ten-day trip south to reach the Order of the Nail’s keep. Although if we can get back to the boats we left on the riverbank on the trip down, we can go downriver much faster than on foot. Very much faster, given what the weather is likely doing to the river’s flow.
 
Arram: Shev is probably going overland back to Selversgard anyway, on the All-terrain Rat Express.
 
The problem is finding where we left the boats, in horrendous weather, at night, while trying to avoid pursuit. We recamp. After force feeding him some healing potions, Alveron comes to, and confirms that the head wizard with their party screwed up, and opened the gate into a Chain Devil slave camp.
 
Skave: …. Well, that’s the worst possible wrong number.
Arram: I feel beholden to suggest mounting a rescue mission. But that is well outside our capabilities.
Miya: So we’re going to leave that to the Hell Knights who screwed up in the first place.
Alveson: That’s fair, that’s really quite fair.
 
Alveson also confirms that the rune is connected to the gate.
 
Alveson: Well, we can resolve that. But it will require a sharp knife and a great deal of pain for my colleague here.
Miya: Oh good, the sensible solution works.
Arram: Hold still, I’m just going to do some Subdual Damage on you with this blunt instrument.
Alveson: Ah, no, that won’t work. He needs to be conscious to will away the connection as we physically sever it.
Skave: … how big is this rune again?
GM: Most of his chest. 
All: … 
Miya: Well, I suppose we could use Arram’s Acid Splash, but either way this is going to SUCK. 
 
Skave has to do the flaying. At least Chist is tied down and gagged as the Ysoki peels off his skin, piece by piece. He even stays conscious for the entire procedure, which takes nine rounds. No doubt because Skave’s paw is shaking a bit. 
 
Skave: You are *exceptionally* lucky you ran into me. 
All: ….
Skave: …Us, I mean Us.

At least the procedure seems to have worked, and when the sun rises we can hurry to the boats. Alveson isn’t going to be much use, sans spellbook and arm, but at least Chist can use that magical boar spear we found, and we still have the spellbook we found in the Leucrotta lair.
 
Arram: Oh gods, that thing - I warn you, the contents have a particular… flavour. Probably all necromancy, and we’re pretty sure it’s bound in human skin.
 
Arram: If that necromancer’s spellbook had Erase in it I’m going to be very embarrassed.
 
When we reach the boats, something is sitting on one of the boats combing her hair.
 
Miya: Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae, Don’t be Fae…
GM: It’s Fae.
Arram: Morning
Naiad: Oh! Good morning! Are these yours?
Arram: Yes, actually.
Naiad: I hope you don’t mind - I was merely using one as a place to sit.
Arram: Not a problem - but you might want to make yourself scarce. There’s a bunch of chain devils on the loose, and some of us have already run afoul of them.
Naiad: Oh, that is NOT good.
Arram: Quite. You might want to let everybody that needs to, know.
 
The Naiad leaves, without turning its Beguiling Aura on Arram or the rest of us.
 
Skave: Well, I’ve learned something - Arram has to be gay.
Miya OoC: He’s a sorcerer, his Charisma is ungodly high.
Arram: It’s all werewolves or Fae around here and personally I’d rather deal with the Fae.
Miya: Fae, werewolves or big f***ing spiders.
 
We leave a message for Shev in a waterproof sack, phrased ambiguously enough that the Chain Devils won’t immediately know which way we went, or that Selversgard is upriver, in case Shev comes looking for us when we don’t turn up. Unfortunately we’re attacked by a giant fish while we travel downstream.
 

 
Skave: *shakes Arram* SET IT ON FIRE, SET IT ON FIRE!
 
Miya gets engulfed.
 
Miya: Tell my husband I love him! Assuming I actually die!
 
Of course this about when Shev catches up with us, and sees us finally subduing the monstrous stickleback.
 
Shev: Pull that on board, that’s good eating!
Arram: Good luck with that, it’s bigger than the boat! Also it’s eaten most of Miya’s arm, we should probably do something about that.
 
We camp on the far side of the river to make things more difficult for the Chain Devils, just in case. Shev also has a camp oven that doesn’t produce smoke or light, which is also helpful in our current situation. For some reason the forest on this side of the river has been replaced with fens - fortunately we can find a dry hollow to camp in.
 
Skave: Keep an eye out for leeches… I need them for alchemy ingredients.
Gonno: Hopefully we’re all smart enough to avoid throat leeches.
 
And Shev never sleeps on the ground anyway - he has two hanging tents with excellent camouflage. Hopefully we won’t wake up with the rest of us dead.
 
Shev’s player: Won’t be the first time I’ve slept through combat.
 
Once again, the party is fortunate that Vokk the Giant Riding Rat is a light sleeper - something is happening near the boats.
 
Shev: Animal companions exist to show us up.
Shev: I’m pretty sure a gunshot is a suitable alarm, but I don’t want to wake the others up if I don’t have to. 
 
It’s a giant dragonfly nymph, settling itself to ambush us in the morning. Shev returns to the camp to prepare breakfast - we can deal with it in the morning. 
 
Shev: Welcome to camping in this forest.
Miya: Giant insects, arachnids, and Fae, oh my!
Shev (upbeat):  Don’t forget the werewolves!
 
Rather more problematic is that something eats half the giant nymph before dawn - and Shev didn’t see or hear what did it. (interesting fact -aquatic insect nymphs are called naiads)
 
Shev: Well, whatever it was it only ate half of it, so it’s not hungry.
 
The rest of the trip to the lake and the Hellknight keep is uneventful - Shev rides Vok in the river while the rest of us continue in the boat. Arrival at the keep is uneventful too - nobody challenges us as we approach. In fact the entire keep is still and silent. This is ominous. The boot sticking out under a bush is more so. It probably wasn’t the bush that beat the boot owner's head in. 
 
Arram: It might be a Whomping Wisteria
 
Whatever did it left all his gear here, including magical armour. And Chist identifies the body as one of the full Hell-knights. He didn’t even have his weapon out.
 
Skave OoC: Preliminary cause of death… murder-hoboes.
Miya OoC: But we’re murder-hoboes!
 
No we’re not - we haven't even looted the corpse yet. Around the corner some unfortunate woman has been pinned to the wall by multiple primitive javelins. And the portcullis has been jammed open with a man-sized boulder. Alveson identifies her as the head mage at the keep.
 
Arram: I’m really hoping whoever did this isn’t here anymore, to be honest. Can we make sure we move anything that’s been spilled on the floor? So we have a clear run for the door if we have to.
 
Neither Chist or Alveson recognise the make of the javelins, so it probably wasn't some group the Hell-knights annoyed recently. Perhaps some Orc warparty out of the Cinderlands? On the other hand, Miya recalls that the nearby town of Biston had a major problems with an infestation of Troglodytes recently, and there is certainly a smell in the keep that Vok does NOT like. Alveson finds the body of his brother among the dead, and is understandably distressed. 
 
We attempt to clear the portcullis - and hear rustling in the bushes. Shev takes aim.
 
Miya: Do we want to call out a warning? ‘Show yourselves or be considered bandits’
 
The warning is somewhat pointless - Troglodytes don’t speak Common. They speak Draconic.
 
Troglodyte: *in Draconic* This is our land now.
Arram: We WERE here to ally with the Hell-knights to fight devils.
Troglodyte: FIGHT devils? They SUMMON devils!
Arram: Yeah sometimes it doesn’t go to plan.
Troglodyte: You side with Hellknights?
Arram: Yeah, these two, at least - I like them.
Troglodyte: KILL THEM ALL
Shev: I don’t speak Draconic but the tone suggests ‘Talks have broken down’.
 
After the fight, which we survive and they don’t, we search the corpses and find a few lucky talismans their shaman gave them.
 
Gonno: I don’t think they worked.
 
Although we don’t have any reason to feel smug about our victory - we don’t know how many troglodytes the Hell-knights managed to kill before they were overwhelmed.
 
Shev: I actually got a second shot off before it misfired!
Miya: Clearly Erastil is pleased with you.
 
Miya: And now we have to deal with the Chain Devils by ourselves.
 
At least it’s only a day more travel to the lakeside fishing town of Biston. It has a population of over 200.
 
Gonno: If I knew we were coming to the big city I’d have got a shopping list from the wife.
 
There are quite a few Hell-knights at their building in the town - it appears they are mustering. That’s helpful - maybe they’re in the mood for a snipe hunt. Their leader Esteria receives Chist and Alveson’s report, and invites all of us up to her office, a small and tasteful room (the shrine to Asmodeus in one corner notwithstanding).
 
Esteria: Leave your rat in the stables, they’ll feed and water it.
Shev: Are they familiar with giant riding rats?
Esteria: They’d better be.
 
Apparently Biston and the outpost haven't been the only targets of troglodyte attacks in the area. She really can’t spare the men to deal with chain devils as well, even though she acknowledges we really aren’t equipped to deal with one, let alone four. On the other hand, if we help her with the troglodyte issue… at least she has a map of the tunnels the hero Biston used to attack the troglodytes from behind, back before he had the town named after him.  Vok can confirm that the tunnel only smells slightly of Troggies. On the other hand, it also smells of Something Else. We head in anyway - we have the advantage of Darkvision that the Hellknights don't. Hopefully we won’t be down here too long - our friends and family might start wondering where we are by the end of the second week. 
 
Before we find any cave dwelling lizard-types, we find a 60ft deep pit, lined with spikes, and including a noteworthy number of naked impaled dwarves. 
 
Arram: How long have they been there?
GM: Well, they’re not… 
Arram: Liquified?
 
It is possible the dwarves slid down the shaft we descended, and straight into the pit trap, but that wouldn’t explain why they’re naked. 
 
Arram: Hey Shev, we need you to climb down this hole full of naked dwarves.
Shev: Fffffffffff-
Arram: Don’t worry, they’re dead.
 


Miya: To be fair we haven’t actually *checked* they’re dead.
 
They are dead, but they’re not dwarves. They might be some other subterranean race, like the sadistic Dero.
 
Gonno OoC:  Richard Sharpe Shaver’s paranoid schizophrenia has a lot to answer for. 
 
It’s also not clear who or why somebody cut their throats and dumped them in the pit.
 
Shev: We’re here to kill trogs, let's go kill trogs. 
 
We find some trogs - guarding the ends of a rope bridge. Each has a gong.
 
Arram: The monk can bullrush one, and when the other one hits the gong you can fire your gun to cover the noise.
 
Gonno does, indeed, run up and push the first Troglodyte into the chasm. The rest of the party use a variety of ranged attacks, of the quieter variety. We are now in position to launch a sneak attack on a village of troglodyte non-combatants.
 
Gonno OoC: And here was me thinking we WEREN’T playing murder-hoboes.
 
Unfortunately, Gonno and Miya, both completely fail to notice that the party is being snuck up on from behind. Despite being at the back of the party precisely to stop this sort of thing happening. 
 
Miya OoC: I’m definitely going to retire and raise kids, things keep trying to eat me. 
 
Gonno doesn’t even notice Miya has been dragged off until a second tentacle wraps around his own neck. Fortunately the rest of the party actually glance over their shoulders and save the pair, without actually alerting the troglodytes with the sound of combat, or wheezing after the Oread and Foxmaid are released. Sneaking closer, we overhear the troglodyte leadership having some kind of argument with drow. This is a perfect opportunity for Arram to cast Web over the entrance to the chamber, and yell, in Draconic, “Our objectives are achieved! Slay the rest of the Troglodytes!”. 
 
GM: Well, you’ve done something very smart
Miya’s player: Are you sure you’re talking about the right game?
 
The drow and troglodytes promptly start murdering each other. We wait to see who survives - the drow priestess is a contender by the look of it. Although she probably wasn’t *planning* on killing one of her own compatriots with an area effect spell, but he was male and who knows with drow.
 
Arram’s player: We’ve just made the GM roll attacks against his own NPCs for 30 minutes.
Shev’s player: Sorry not sorry.
 
Killing a member of her own party was probably a tactical error, since the Troggie king follows up by cutting her in half. He’s also bright enough to start wondering why the supposed drow treachery was yelled in his language, and spots us waiting for more free XP. Still, now it’s 6-to-1 odds in our favour. 
 
Gonno OoC: Although after watching him bisect that elf, we probably shouldn’t have closed to melee range.
 
We find some documents proving the drow were conspiring to use the troglodytes as an organised threat to civilisations on the surface. Also evidence that quite a few drow have been through here. Miya has Arram leave a note - written in Draconic, in the drow’s handwriting, pinned to the late king’s eyesocket “Death to those that betray the Drow”.
 
Unfortunately we then have to sneak back out past the troglodyte village. 
 
Miya: We pick up the sorcerer and leg it.
 
After all these detours, we finally start heading home towards Selversgard.
 
Skave: Brother. This had better be the best wedding ever.
 
It’s also a relief that the chain devils haven’t found Selversgard, but we have a lot to tell the mayor and militia anyway, and a lot of apologies for everybody that's been worried about us. Certainly nothing really major happens for the next nine months, apart from the setting up of a Warrenguard by the ratfolk. 
 
Arram: The first I’m doing after we report to the Mayor is collapse into the bed for 24 hours, after all that bulls***t.
GM: Shev, would you care to make a Diplomacy roll?
Shev: I CAN but it’ll be abysmal.
GM: Would you prefer your brother address the Council?
Shev: He’s just as bad!
 
Although one discovery the ratfolk make while excavating is a hidden tunnel connecting the sewer, a hidden dock north of town, and the boarded-up Tolland Manor in the middle of Selversgard owned by a now extinct family. The rumours of a haunt are one reason it hasn’t been reoccupied. A bigger mystery is who would need a smuggling tunnel - Selversgard has no tariffs. 
 
To everybody’s surprise, Gonno & Galiante are already expecting a second child. Apparently, despite being a tiefling and a part-elemental, they are really compatible. Miya’s sister-in-law  moves in as a nanny for her & Falx’s apparently human son.
 
Gonno: If you ever want privacy again I know where a house is going unused.
 
Alternatively, we can use Tolland Manor as a proper school building - Arram is certainly willing and able to pay the requisite 5000gp to refurbish it, and it's not like potential undead are going to worry somebody who thinks the Twilight Academy is a fine educational institution. Arram is now one of Selversgard’s most eligible bachelors (certainly since the other PCs are all married now) which may explain why that teenager we rescued two years back is inexpertly trying to seduce him. 
 
Skave is a father again as well - but tragically his wife didn’t survive the birth. Even magical healing can only go so far. He’s emotionally ill-equipped to deal with this. So now he has three ratlings to raise, and a wet nurse to find.
 
GM: Miya might be able to do it.
Miya: I have seen rat teeth, so no. Especially if I have to deal with fox teeth as well.
 
Shev finds a bride as well, although is at a loss about what to do next - as far as social adjustment goes he’s not much better than his brother.
 
Miya: I’m afraid my perspective isn’t going to be very useful.
 
All these new children and new marriages (especially to forceful wives like the ratwoman Ranger Cidi) are good reasons to reduce the amount of stabbing gribbly-monster-stabbing we’ve been doing. What do we look like, adventurers?
 
Miya: Something has tried to kill me *every year*.
 
Miya sets up a dojo to train up the Selversgard Militia, but trying to get the council to actually fund the militia is like squeezing blood from a stone. At least we have all that loot from the troglodyte and drow incident to sell, and supply a proper armory and probably pay for a militia too. And maybe if we promote more business connections with the cities downriver, we might have an economy large enough to support actual taxation.
 

Pathfinder : Hell's Bright Shadow - Runing Up That Hill
 
Ayva and Civilla have combined their art and magic skills to create a painted construct version of Nox, Thrune’s late bodyguard. In a move that will no doubt infuriate Thrune when he finds out, the fake Nox is clearly now ‘redeemed’ and a follower of the good gods, in the form of less black leather. There’s also the advantage that the painted version is mostly unkillable.
 
Civilla: ‘We killed the traitor! Wait, she’s back’
Ayva: It could be a hundred years later and the painted version will still be protecting this city. I love that. 
 
They can even hide her inside a separate painted locket.
 
It’s probably just as well that Terzo isn’t around for some of his colleagues' discussions, such as their thoughts about a blood bank run by vampires.
 
Rajira: Bloooood.
Ayva: It’s the currency of the soul.
 
Ayva: ‘This one must be a diabetic, it’s quite nice.’
Rajira: ‘Very Sweet.’
 
Apparently this week we have to deal with the mountain fortress in the Menador Gap, one of the main passes between Kintargo and the bulk of the Chellish Empire - the most important pass now the Glorious Reclamation elsewhere in Chelliax is causing major international problems.
 
Terzo: How much do you want to bet they've improved their security protocols after that time we walked into the prison and walked out with all the prisoners.
Rajira: It’s hard to improve your security when you don’t know what went wrong.
 
Leaving nobody alive behind you (and more then once, no bodies either) is helpful that way.
 
GM: I need to send you some more images for NPC standees, the pawn package was missing some.
Rajira’s player: … oh, P. A. W. N. 
Terzo’s player: I was wondering.
Rajira’s player: Hey, I‘m Calistrian, we’re open-minded.
 
Our ally Raxus discovered something rather interesting about the keep - apparently the dwarven engineers that built the place included a self-destruct mechanism in case the pass had to be sealed completely. The Silver Ravens intended to use the mechanism, or an Earthquake spell, and weren’t particularly concerned by the subsequent loss of life since the keep is currently held by troops loyal to House Thrune. Lictor Octavio Sabinus, formerly of the Hellknight Order of the Torrent, points out that even a spell of that magnitude might not destroy the fortress, and might kill or destroy valuable prisoners, magical items, or information. And anyway, leaving any survivors is out-of-character of the Ghosts of Kintargo.

Terzo: I regret to say my first question is ‘how many taverns are there between Kintargo and the mountains’, because I can’t carry that much booze.
 
Fortunately the rebellion has enough funds and allies now that Terzo can acquire a second carriage and footmen we can actually trust. 
 
The current commander of the keep is one Lucian Thrune, who is not exactly pleased about being way out here, although it does keep him out of harm's way of the Glorious Reclamation, and rumour says he isn’t getting much sleep due to understandable stress.
 
Civilla: Interesting, interesting
Ayva: I can hear the evil laughter from here, Civilla
Rajira: I don’t suppose you have any dream magic?
Civilla: Funny you should mention that…
 
Lucien also has a pet wyvern that he raised from an egg. And they’re pretty scrupulous about only letting merchants with the proper papers, known agents of Thrune, and members of the Church of Asmodeus, into the keep and through the pass. The best idea we can come up with to get inside the keep and not be watched too closely is if we pretend to be retainers of House Thrune, there to collect a high-value prisoner on behalf of Lord Inquisitor Barzillai. Lucian Thrune might well have questions, but we can honestly say that the Inquisitor isn’t going to tell his minions anything they don’t need to know.
 
Civilla: ‘We don’t know the name of the prisoner, we don't know who is delivering them, our orders are simply to collect the prisoner and return to Kintargo.’
 
Of course we’ll have to have suitable uniforms, paperwork, and repaint one of the carriages.
 
Terzo OoC: So, anybody know the nearest chop shop?
Ayva OoC: Yes, the local butcher does a good line in sausages.
 
Fortunately, even when he rolls a Nat 1, Terzo’s Diplomacy is high enough that he clears the Ears of the City check and confirms that the soldiers in the Keep have heard all kinds of rumours about Nox - that she’s variously been killed, on a secret mission for House Thrune, or that she turned traitor, was captured, and welded into her own armour. We might still be able to use the fake Nox as a decoy.
 
Keep Soldier: Hail travelers! I must inform you that passage through the Gap is currently restricted! State your business!
‘Sergeant’ Rajira : *salutes* Soldiers of Thrune! Here to collect a prisoner! *holds up forged letters*
Keep Soldier: Enter for inspection! Open the gate!
Rajira: Come on you slovenly lot! And don’t embarrass me!
 
Ayva (not entirely out of character): It’s not that we mind the city being put under an iron boot, we just object to it not being OUR iron boot.
 
There are eight armed soldiers in the courtyard, and Lucian Thrune.
 
Ayva: Fortunately this courtyard is the exact right size and shape for a Fireball. 
 
Lucian doesn’t look like he’s slept in days. Rajira salutes and bows, explains why we’re supposedly here, and hands over the documents, which drip with all the dire penalties one might expect for anybody impeding the mission.
 
GM: *sigh* and like so many of the NPCs in this adventure Lucian does not have a Sense Motive skill.
 
Lucian directs us to the common rooms for now. Apparently he has some kind of minor genie servant, by the name of Zorumar, who doesn’t look very happy about being at Lucian Thrune’s beck and call, or being ordered to provide us with food and refreshments. 
 
‘Sergeant’ Rajira: Line up, you lot and look grateful!
Ayva: We are grateful for the slop we are about to receive!
‘Corporal’ Civilla: That might offend our hosts.
Ayva: Sir! Sorry Sir!
‘Sergeant’ Rajira: I’m a sergeant, I work for a living.
 
At least Zorumar appreciates our thanks, and even apologises that he can’t provide more than Created Food And Water for now. Rajira dismisses the rest of us and Terzo sidles off to join the nearest card game. Rajira and Civilla get one of the guest rooms - the rest of our party will be staying in the barracks. Apparently Zorumar cooks all the food for the keep, and does the cleaning, and is forbidden from using any of his magic apart from Create Food and Water. That does suggest one ‘in’ for us - if Sergeant Rajira orders us to help with the cleaning rather than stand around like soldiers with too much time on their hands, we’ll get a good look around. Instead, Civilla plans to send the fake Nox out to look around the fortress - she’s a very sneaky painting. And, after all, ‘Nox’ will be making a dramatic appearance as the keep is destroyed, anyway. 
 
Civilla has her Homunculus to scout out the keep while Terzo keeps the garrison amused with a singalong, but it couldn't find the self-destruct. Although there was a whole bit with the wyvern scaring the pants off Civilla when she was looking through the eyes of her homunculus and it got within licking distance...
 
Instead, we take advantage of Lucian Thrune’s massive sleep debt - it would seem he’s been hitting the Mwangian Marching Powder hard. One Sleep spell from Terzo cancels all the effects of the Insomnia Powder, and the commander promptly passes out. Rajira helpfully gives him an ear exam with a six-inch dagger.
 
Then we made friends with his captive Genie, who does know where the self-destruct is.
 
Terzo OoC: So as usual we identified and recruited everybody that was here under duress, and are preparing to murder everybody else
Rajira OoC: Yup. Civilla even talked the Genie into rescuing the two halflings in the cells when he leaves.
 
Civilla: Unfortunately none of us are dwarves, although Terzo might pass. 
Terzo: Alas, I brought wine, not ale.
 
The route to the Big Red Button has statues, which is about as likely to instill paranoia as a hall lined with suits of armour. There’s also pretty clear evidence that the dwarves set this place to their own tastes, so it’s just as well that we know enough about other religions (despite Chellish laws) to fake it. Unfortunately the security systems can also detect Evil, which means they take considerable interest in some of the party members. 
 
Terzo: Well, clearly they’re faulty, none of my friends are Evil.
Civilla: You KNOW some of us are selfish. You KNOW this.
Terzo OoC: And Denial is not just a river in Osirion.
Ayva OoC: Yes, it runs through some other countries too.
 
Although it turns out the actual problem is some of the equipment Rajira is using. Civilla conceals her true Alignment as a matter of course. Rajira hurriedly changes what she reads as.
 
Archon: WHY HAVE YOU COME
Rajira: To destroy this structure
Civilla: *headdesk* Because the gates have been taken by the enemy - forces loyal to Asmodeus.
 
Civilla: They’re ARCHONS, they probably aren’t even aware that Cheliax exists, that’s Prime Material Plane business.
 
Archon: So the time has come to destroy the keep. Make sure you set the timer correctly. 
Civilla: Right, how do we do that, exactly?
 
It’s also fortunate that Civilla’s insatiable appetite for book-learning included Dwarven Runes and engineering.
 
Civilla: This is arcane. In the normal sense, not the magical one, I mean. They’ve used fifteen different versions of the word for ‘chain’ and every different version for ‘crank’!
Terzo: Knowing dwarves, this probably wasn’t innuendo?
Ayva: Not unless they had a really intense fetish for technobabble.
 
It’s also pretty important that we know which timekeeping system the builders used - not a simple question. Hopefully we’ve set it to go off in 20 minutes. Even more hopefully, the garrison don’t stop us from leaving. Happily, it’s not like we had to fight our way out again. We can very easily claim to have received new orders by Shadow Eagle. 
 
Civilla: They kinda want us to leave anyway.
Terzo: Surely my singing wasn’t that bad.
Ayva: I would never tell you that.
 
We’re watching from a safe distance as the ground starts to shake, the building starts to crumble, and the mountain pass collapses into impassable rubble.
 
GM: For once, you guys are the load-bearing boss.
 
Terzo: I am feeling a bit guilty about that - these guys were just soldiers. It’s not like they were torturers or redactors.
Civilla: If they didn’t get out when the building started shaking it’s their own damn fault.
Rajira: You fight for Cheliax, you get the horns.
 
A few of the rank-and-file were fast enough to get out. The wyvern flies in circles over the wreckage, looking for its master.
 
Rajira: That’s the one I feel bad about, it’s just an animal.
Civilla: Rajira, Rajira, don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be at it all day.
 
Zorumar, as promised, has left the halfling prisoners near our disguised carriage, and a generous gift for freeing him - a magic carpet. The halflings would no doubt prefer to escape to freedom, but it is unfortunately probably safer for them to stay with us, and act as Civilla’s slaves, which is the usual fate of halflings in the Chellish empire. But destroying the keep is very clear evidence that there is an organized conspiracy against Barzillai Thrune. He might well take the rumours seriously, now. Especially when we have our fake Nox drag some of the survivors out of the rubble, saying only “I’m sorry, but it had to be done”. There’s also the factor that our rebellion contacts and cells are so thoroughly established around Kintargo that it’s our influence, and not Thrune’s jackbooted thugs, that’s keeping the streets quiet. In fact a good number of his street patrols are actually on our side.
 
Civilla: Most rebellions fail because they launch their takeover before they have the populace on their side. We are not going to make that mistake.
 
Barzillai Thrune: It’s quiet. Too quiet. *distant boom* What was that? 
Minion: Uh… that was our only access to reinforcements. 
 

we've a had a bunch of missed sessions and the Cthulhu campaign collapsed for want of regularly available players. I WAS going to be playing in a 40K campaign where we were intending to play a team of rogue repairmen, but my wife put her foot down. I'll be posting more tonight, though

Fixing the cisterns is going to be a major engineering problem.
 
Gonno: Possibly we should hire some dwarves.
Shev: That's racist. Assuming Dwarves would be the best engineers available.
Miya: Quite. I've met some very capable elves.
Shev: Excuse me, we’re RIGHT HERE.
 
Certainly, the ratboi Skave has some good ideas regarding the first cistern. And the Ysoki probably have a cousin they can get in to draw up the blueprints. 
 
Shev: I’ll make sure any blueprints Skave draws up are kept away from any open flames.
GM: I don’t think he drew them on flashpaper.
Shev: You’ll be amazed what a trace of sulphur infused in the paper will do.
 
Kaegor, the head of the town militia, is elected the next mayor. He’s a retired fighter.
 
A joyous occasion! Miya’s wedding day! To the most eligible bachelor in town, Falx Vandruber, miller and grinder.
 
GM: So you take his surname?
Miya: Since I didn’t have one, yes!
 
Gonno makes sure to have a proper marriage bed carved in time for the wedding, so they can be carried into their house on it. He’s going to be busy - there’s four other marriages on the same day.
 
Shev: But not me. I’m starting to get some funny looks from the colony. I’m 19! I thought I’d met someone but they kept turning into a human every month. 
All: ….
Miya: I think I missed something. 
 
Skave has two ratlings now, though. Shev believes the reason that he isn’t married yet is because he’s an insufficiently good catch as a husband. Since he’s a follower of the god Erastil, he decides that the obvious solution is to hunt something suitably impressive - like a griffon. Gonno, who got his wife simply by being a nice guy, refrains from comment. Apparently, according to our friendly neighborhood dryad, there’s griffons nesting on some cliffs 5 days walk south of Selversgard that have been causing some problems. We’ll probably have to take silver, since we’re traveling during the full moon and werewolves are known from the area. Admittedly Gonno doesn’t have to worry about lycanthropy, since technically he isn’t a humanoid. It’s the same reason Enlarge Person didn’t work on him in the ant nest.
 
Arram: Tieflings make good werewolf hunters. Not much good if you're fighting Smokey the Were-bear though.
Shev: I don’t want to hear about bringing any of the eggs home to raise - they’re intelligent creatures and some of the gods consider that slavery.
Arram: A bit ironic given you plan on killing them
Shev: The gods can be funny that way.
 
Shev: If you see any unusual trees on the trip, DON’T TOUCH THEM. They’re probably dryad homes.
Miya: So don’t go around feeling up any dryads, Gonno, your wife will be annoyed.
Shev: It’s just occurred to me that the neighborhood dryad might be slightly pissed with me that I’m trying to find a mate (that isn’t her) and she’s sending me down there to die.
 
Arram also points out that griffons are sufficiently vengeful that any survivors will certainly follow us back to Selversgard.
 
Arram: In fact I’m pretty sure all the leonine creatures are sapients - although some of them are d***ks.
Miya: Nobody cares if you kill a Manticore.
 
Arram: It’s also a bad idea to pick a fight with anything powerful enough to generate a sorcerer bloodline.
 
So, it would seem the griffon idea is a bad one, although crossed wires are understandable when it comes to what a dryad considers ‘causing problems’. Perhaps they were using a dryad’s tree as a scratching post. She does suggest an alternate target - a minotaur. Those are certainly problematic.
 
Shev: When a minotaur has a problem, they make it everybody’s problem. 
 
Just in case the minotaur has a briar maze rather than anything more traditional, Shev makes sure that Gonno brings his tree felling gear. Both of them already carry chalk. 
 
Shev’s player: And not Arram’s maze-clearing method - we’re saving that as a last resort. You know, I’ve got a mage character that can’t start forest fires?
Arram: Then what even is the point?
 
Unfortunately our chosen path will require a large detour around a completely overgrown valley.
 
Skave: We can always make our own path.
Arram: Your opinions regarding anything fire-related do not count.
Miya: He only set the crops on fire once.
Arram: And Me Twice.
 
Gonno, bringing up the rear of the march, thinks he spots something running across the track behind us. Quadrupedal, he thinks, but not at all sure. Shev can’t find any tracks, which is odd, since his tracking skills are sufficient to find tracks on bare rock.
 
Skave: Great, we’re being followed by a ghost.
Shev: Worse, a ghost-pirate-ninja
Skave: THAT’S WORSE.
 
Unfortunately Gonno and Arram, on the middle watch, think it’s a perfectly fine idea to wander off after a mysterious voice calling Gonno’s name in the middle of the night. Luckily for the party, Vok, the riding rat, is unaffected by the Mass Suggestion spell, and his squealing wakes up everybody else. 
 
Skave: I throw my pillow at Vok.
 
The rather horrendous badger-headed deer-thing waiting to devour Gonno and Arram attempts to do so. Gonno does not fare well, and if it wasn’t for Vok he would now be quite dead. As it is, he’s only mostly dead. Fortunately for him, the creature opts to retreat when everybody else comes after it. Unfortunately, it promptly turns around to attack everybody that doesn’t stop to help Gonno. Miya goes down. 
 
Gonno OoC: Well, look on the bright side, if we do manage to kill this thing we don’t have to go after the minotaur. 
 
The creature is rather shocked to learn what Shev’s blackpowder weapon can do - presumably it’s never seen one before. It retreats again. Unfortunately the musket misfires on the second shot AGAIN. Miya and Gonno get dragged back to the campsite before the monster returns. Arram recognises it as a Leucrotta. Leucrottas are reputed to be unholy hybrids of hyenas and a demon lord, can lure people away with mimicry, and can bite through steel. It only knew Gonno’s name because somebody asked Gonno if he saw anything, when it was stalking us earlier.
 
Skave spends the rest of the day giving Gonno and Miya what medical aid he can provide. As far as we know, Leucrotta don’t have Regeneration, so it’s probably out there licking its wounds. Shev wants to track it down and finish it off as soon as Gonno and Miya are up to fighting again. Fortunately for us, our collective sneakery is better than its perception, and we have it cornered in a small cave. 
 
Gonno tries to punch it in the face - unwise with something that can bite through steel - but between Shev’s duckfoot pistol and Arram’s sorcerous pryomania the creature is not a problem for long. It has a well-chewed spellbook among the debris in its lair. The symbol on the cover is that of the evil god Norgorber, and unsurprisingly the cover is made from human leather. 
 
Gonno: No wonder the beast was chewing on it.
 
The number of deranged and evil wizards in the woods around Selversgard DOES seem disproportionately high. You have to wonder why they keep wandering off and getting themselves killed.
 
Shev: Dude, the Twilight Academy is JUST OVER THERE.
GM: Is it any wonder you keep running into wizards like this?
Arram: Lot of weirdos at that school. That said I can probably sneak in there if we ever need to - get my Illuminati robes.
 
We also find an IOUN stone - an orange pyramidal form, which is promptly orbiting Shev’s head.
 
Shev: What’s it do?
Arram: I’m tempted to say it’s the cursed one.
 
It’s cracked, so the only thing the stone can do is grant Prestidigitation.
 
Skave: Otherwise known as Least Wish.
Shev: AKA Spell Not On My List - gimme!
 
Unfortunately the monster won’t make a suitable trophy for Shev.
 
Shev: Leucrottas are Ugly As F***
Arram: But if you kill a Minotaur and hang its head on the wall it just looks like you killed a cow.
 
Further on, we encounter a foul-smelling, oily pit, with a truly gigantic oak tree overhanging the hole. It smells like several million years of death. That’s because it’s petroleum.
 
Skave: Shev, can you get me a sample?
Tree: I have no objection…. ….  but I doubt … it will be of use for you.
All: ….
Tree: *turning to look at Shev* Greetings … …  little one. 
 
According to the treant, the stuff is poisoning the local vegetation. He’d quite like the stuff neutralized, but that requires Skave’s alchemical knowledge. The treant moves off as the Ysoki works. Shev thinks a treant would be very useful for turning over the soil, if they could be persuaded to stay near town.
 
Miya: It might be worth keeping in mind what our village is known for. Asking a treant to hang around a lumber town might be in bad taste.
GM: It’s a purely natural material.
Shev: So’s Arsenic.
 
Unfortunately, since it’s natural, there’s no magical solution to neutralize it. It might be valuable to certain alchemists, but that would attract more humanoids to the deep woods. 
 
Shev: Your best bet is to find an Earth Elemental to help you.
Miya: That or find a wizard who knows Fireball.
Shev: NO.
 
We promise to get the druids involved, and he tells us where to find the minotaur.
 
Treant: As far as I know… …. … there is only one.
Shev: oh GOOD. Arram, how good are you at NOT using fire?
Treant: *waves slowly goodbye* Watch out…. For the sprites….
 
The sprites are actually inclined to help us - the Minotaur kidnapped their chief’s daughter, in order to pressure their shaman to make magical items for them. The entire sprite community have to go collecting material components. The one talking to us has a list - but it’s almost too small for us to read. And it’s in Sylvan. Happily, Arram can read Sylvan and has glasses to magnify it with. The Minotaur has been stocking up on healing potions. Unfortunately, the Minotaur has built his labyrinth in a cave. It would appear the dryad's little bird friends aren’t a very reliable information source. Happily, Vok can track by scent, which makes navigating the maze much more easy. Upon coming up to a door, Skave unlocks it, then steps back. Unhappily, nobody detects the giant Solifugid hiding behind it.
 
Miya: It looks like what spiders have nightmares about!
Skave: This is why I let other people open the doors!
Gonno OoC: No wonder the Minotaur needs all those healing potions, with these things wandering about.
Miya OoC: It was behind a locked door, I think we can assume he knew it was there.
 
At least if we die we’re all guaranteed a pretty good afterlife, should we die down here. Even followers of Asmodeus go to hell and get trained out of silly ideas like ‘free will’. In much the same way the Bessemer Process removes impurities from iron.
 
Arram: A fear of death is highly suspicious.
Miya: Spoken like a true inquisitor.
 
While we’re patching ourselves up, the Minotaur is sneaking up on us in the dark, holding a very large crossbow.
 
Arram: COW!!!!!
Miya: Finally, something intelligent that isn’t a bug *feints*
 
The Minotaur flees back into its maze, wounded. This could be very bad, if it’s heading off to kill the sprite hostage.
 
Skave: Get back here and fight, you overgrown hamburger!
 
Unfortunately it turns out the treant and the sprites were as badly misinformed as the dryad - there’s a second Minotaur.
 
Skave: …. It’s right behind me, isn’t it.
 
The little alchemist is violently gored. And that Minotaur goes violently berserk when it sees what we’ve done to the first.
 
Gonno OoC: Look on the bright side, Shev, you won't have to get married because it looks like you’ll be adopting your brother’s kids. 
 
Vok nearly bites the thing’s head off.
 
Arram: Which is pretty darn impressive - there’s a lot of neck on a minotaur. Well done that Vorpal Rat.
 
Skave manages to scramble out of the way of the Minotaur’s battleaxe. Gonno gets swatted with the battleaxe instead, and Miya gets gored in the face.
 
GM: Well, if you’re ever in the market for face jewelry, you won’t need to get your tongue pierced.
 
The second minotaur goes down.
 
Miya: Your future wife better be AMAZING - you have a matching set.
Shev: At least Mrs Brisby. 
GM: Of course what you’re actually saying with that tongue injury is GMAHHUHMUHmuh
 
At least the sprite chief is grateful that we rescued his daughter and shaman.
 
Shev: I need a trophy from the minotaurs as a bride price.
Sprite: Ah, you’re trying to bribe someone to be your mate - that’s fine.
Shev: … Well he’s not wrong.
Sprite: We cannot move Minotaurs.
Arram: I’d be impressed if you could.
 
They CAN expertly skin the two minotaurs, and sew up the holes we left in the hides - Shev is going to have two extremely creepy cowskull-topped cloaks for his wedding. At least we don’t have to go back into the maze - we triggered the first trap and attracted the minotaurs' attention.
 

"Any more foreshadowing and we'll be in for a ****ing solar eclipse."

Playing D&D 5e
 
My halfling character had been lost for decades in the astral planes with a handful of cantrips and no companionship. So he kept his clothing together with Mending spells and kept himself clean, and otherwise amused himself, with Prestidigitation. And he built up decades' worth of unrealized comedic potential which spews forth in a somewhat uncontrollable fashion.
 
After coming back to the prime material plane, he teamed up with several others for adventures including a female Firblog druid (who is being played a first time rpg player). As something of an OCD habit, he uses Prestidigitation to clean himself and his companions anytime the story indicates they might have gotten dirty.
 
Our travels brought us to an abandoned temple where we encountered some rather large spiders (of course everything is rather large from my perspective but that's neither here nor there). After killing a number of spiders, we located an intact egg sac and determined we'd likely have time to get it back to town and sell it before the spiders hatch. But the egg sac was up high on a wall and the firblog was the only one tall enough to reach it...but she refused because she's scared of spiders and touching the egg sac is icky.
 
But through a lot of cajoling, we convinced her to take down the egg sac and drop it in  my backpack.
 
As soon as it was done, the player turned to me with a horrified look on her face and pleaded, "Prestidigitate my hands! Prestidigitate my hands!"
 
Without missing a beat, I cast Prestidigitation and told her that her hands are now purple (the spell is highly versatile and besides cleaning things can make change colors).
 
The player gets this even more horrified look on her face as she realizes that not only are her hands now purple but her hands are still dirty from touching the egg sac.
 
"Clean my hands! Clean my hands!"
 
"Oh, okay, I can do that," in an innocent tone of voice and I clean her hands.
 
"My. Hands. Are. Purple!", very unclear whether this is in character or not.
 
"Well, you know, the color only lasts for an hour. Here, let me," and I cast Prestidigitation again. "Now your hands smell like apples."
 
"I don't want my hands to smell like apples!"
 

(OOC) "If J. R. R. Tolkien were DMing a game for, say, the cast of Monty Python, I imagine it would go something like this."

"I may be a miser, but I'm always happy to pay a compliment."

"Oh my gosh, it's the Dungeon of Friendship!"
 
"Maybe the real prisoners are the friends we made along the way."

Gonno OoC: You have to wonder why people become adventurers, when you can make 500gp a year with a real job, AND get to sleep in a proper bed every night
Shev OoC: Because you can make that in an hour as an adventurer. All the money you need to set yourself up for life is a few miles away, and all you need is a shovel!
Arram OoC: And a few friends with a propensity for violence.
Shev OoC: And if you play your cards right you’ll have fewer friends when you come back!
 
That morbid observation leads to a discussion of the rapidly approaching old age of the Ysoki, and the various ways the denizens of Golarion can avoid a final interview with the Goddess of Death.
 
Recently Dead Druid:  You know, I remember the last few times I was here.
Psychopomp: What, really?
RDD: Yeah. Isn’t that moon getting closer?
Psychopomp: Wait, WHAT???
RDD: *runs off to get reincarnated while the psychopomp is looking the other way* Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop
 
If we do have to go into the ant nest, maybe we should go in through the midden - if we smell bad enough maybe the ants will just dump us in the midden again rather than try and kill us. We end up using the collapsed wall in the second cistern. The chamber we enter has large supporting hollow pillars, a gravel floor, and three very large and aggressive ants. 
 

 
The hollow pillars are part of the ant’s air conditioning system. What a pity none of us know Cloudkill. 
 
Arram: The first lesson at wizard school is that you have to be in the front line to use your area-effect spells.
Miya: The drawback is that you go down if someone sneezes on you.
Arram: You play a dangerous game before you get to the whole ‘phenomenal cosmic power’ thing.
Miya: ’How did you get to be an old wizard? ‘By not adventuring, obviously’
 
The next chamber has four ants. Hopefully this isn’t a pattern forming. One of them is carrying a humanoid leg, wearing an elaborate boot. Unfortunately, once we finish off the ants and investigate, we’re attacked by the giant Assassin Bug disguised as the trash heap. We decide to retreat to Selversgard, recover, and re-equip with stuff more appropriate to the situation.
 
Arram: Pity we’re too far from Alkenstar to get the best weapons.
Shev: Which?
Miya and Arram: Flamethrowers.
Shev: OK, appropriate, but we’ve got a flamethrower right here *gestures at Arram* but he’s running out of juice.
Miya: So do the ones from Alkenstar.
 
Miya, as well as being poisoned by the ant frass, has also contracted a rather debilitating illness known to the locals as Red Ache. Gonno has some healing knowledge, and offers to have a stab at it.
 
Miya: Please Do Not Stab Anything
 
We really need to find a solution to the ant problem that won’t leave us with a poisoned cistern. 
 
Miya: I’m really tempted to send off for that flamethrower now. F***ing Ants!!!
 
Nobody recognises the leg, or the sandal, and nobody has heard of any missing persons in the area. At least our discovery proves that while those lumberjacks last year may have been drunk, they weren’t imagining the giant ants. When we heal up we return to the ant nest, and proceed with caution, only attacking ants when we outnumber them - not a sentence that gets said often. We discover that the ant with the leg emerged from natural caverns, which raises some alarming possibilities about the owner of the leg, although the crazy cave-dwelling elves aren’t usually seen this close to the surface. 
 
The ants are also fungus farmers, cultivating Fly Agarics the size of people, among other things.
 
Miya: Nobody set the place on fire.
Gonno OoC: I also wonder where we’re going to get a reindeer big enough.
Miya: ... what? Oh. OH. OH GOD NO. We’ll ask the druids. 
 
The big mushroom is also a Shrieker - something to avoid unless we want to be swarmed by giant ants. The chamber beyond has more ants than adventurers, but fortunately the connecting tunnel is so narrow we can pick them off one by one as they come through. But THESE giant ant soldiers can spray formic acid. Vok the giant riding rat ducks. Unfortunately Shev was riding him at the time. 
 
Skave: Hold back, Gonno, we’ve deployed the meat shield.
Arram: Yes, giant rats are good for that.
Skave: I was talking about Shev, Vok is more important.
Miya: You can tell they’re brothers, can’t you?
Shev: … at least I don’t blow myself up on a regular basis. 
 
This chamber is evidently the nursery - larvae and pupae.
 
Arram: What’s the generation time of an ant?
Miya: 14-15 minutes.
Arram: What????
 
Skave scouts ahead, and returns at speed - he’s found the royal chamber and the remaining ants. 
 
Skave’s player: Boy, am I glad I’m the Utility character.
Shev’s player: Yeah - now be of utility. 
 
Which might be considered a bit harsh, given Skave HAS been of more utility so far - Shev is not doing well with his attacks today. Arram Enlarges himself with one of Skave’s potions, leans forward over the melee, and toasts most of the ants. We’re also quite fortunate that the Queen focuses most of her attacks on Vok, but then the giant riding rat is the largest enemy close to her - at least until Arram gets in range.
 
Miya: You keep punching women in the face today, Gonno, what will your wife say?
Shev: That she was a b**** and deserved it?
 
Skave finds the skeleton of a dwarf in the garbage heap - the actual garbage heap, not the giant Assassin Bug from earlier. Given how intact the remains are, they presumably fed him to their larvae. His armour is intact too - Adamantium chainmail. 
 
Skave: If we’re careful undoing the links, brother, maybe we can get two chain shirts out of it. 
Arram: Ha! Good luck undoing adamantine links!
GM: You don’t have the tools to work Adamantium.
Skave: We don’t have the tools HERE.
 
He had a magical cube in his bag. It’s charged with Divination magic.
 
Shev: At least it’s not Conjuration. No chance of summoning the weird skinny guy with all the nails in his head. 
 

Gonno OoC: You have to wonder why people become adventurers, when you can make 500gp a year with a real job, AND get to sleep in a proper bed every night
Shev OoC: Because you can make that in an hour as an adventurer. All the money you need to set yourself up for life is a few miles away, and all you need is a shovel!
Arram OoC: And a few friends with a propensity for violence.
Shev OoC: And if you play your cards right you’ll have fewer friends when you come back!
 
That morbid observation leads to a discussion of the rapidly approaching old age of the Ysoki, and the various ways the denizens of Golarion can avoid a final interview with the Goddess of Death.
 
Recently Dead Druid:  You know, I remember the last few times I was here.
Psychopomp: What, really?
RDD: Yeah. Isn’t that moon getting closer?
Psychopomp: Wait, WHAT???
RDD: *runs off to get reincarnated while the psychopomp is looking the other way* Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop
 
If we do have to go into the ant nest, maybe we should go in through the midden - if we smell bad enough maybe the ants will just dump us in the midden again rather than try and kill us. We end up using the collapsed wall in the second cistern. The chamber we enter has large supporting hollow pillars, a gravel floor, and three very large and aggressive ants. 
 

 
The hollow pillars are part of the ant’s air conditioning system. What a pity none of us know Cloudkill. 
 
Arram: The first lesson at wizard school is that you have to be in the front line to use your area-effect spells.
Miya: The drawback is that you go down if someone sneezes on you.
Arram: You play a dangerous game before you get to the whole ‘phenomenal cosmic power’ thing.
Miya: ’How did you get to be an old wizard? ‘By not adventuring, obviously’
 
The next chamber has four ants. Hopefully this isn’t a pattern forming. One of them is carrying a humanoid leg, wearing an elaborate boot. Unfortunately, once we finish off the ants and investigate, we’re attacked by the giant Assassin Bug disguised as the trash heap. We decide to retreat to Selversgard, recover, and re-equip with stuff more appropriate to the situation.
 
Arram: Pity we’re too far from Alkenstar to get the best weapons.
Shev: Which?
Miya and Arram: Flamethrowers.
Shev: OK, appropriate, but we’ve got a flamethrower right here *gestures at Arram* but he’s running out of juice.
Miya: So do the ones from Alkenstar.
 
Miya, as well as being poisoned by the ant frass, has also contracted a rather debilitating illness known to the locals as Red Ache. Gonno has some healing knowledge, and offers to have a stab at it.
 
Miya: Please Do Not Stab Anything
 
We really need to find a solution to the ant problem that won’t leave us with a poisoned cistern. 
 
Miya: I’m really tempted to send off for that flamethrower now. F***ing Ants!!!
 
Nobody recognises the leg, or the sandal, and nobody has heard of any missing persons in the area. At least our discovery proves that while those lumberjacks last year may have been drunk, they weren’t imagining the giant ants. When we heal up we return to the ant nest, and proceed with caution, only attacking ants when we outnumber them - not a sentence that gets said often. We discover that the ant with the leg emerged from natural caverns, which raises some alarming possibilities about the owner of the leg, although the crazy cave-dwelling elves aren’t usually seen this close to the surface. 
 
The ants are also fungus farmers, cultivating Fly Agarics the size of people, among other things.
 
Miya: Nobody set the place on fire.
Gonno OoC: I also wonder where we’re going to get a reindeer big enough.
Miya: ... what? Oh. OH. OH GOD NO. We’ll ask the druids. 
 
The big mushroom is also a Shrieker - something to avoid unless we want to be swarmed by giant ants. The chamber beyond has more ants than adventurers, but fortunately the connecting tunnel is so narrow we can pick them off one by one as they come through. But THESE giant ant soldiers can spray formic acid. Vok the giant riding rat ducks. Unfortunately Shev was riding him at the time. 
 
Skave: Hold back, Gonno, we’ve deployed the meat shield.
Arram: Yes, giant rats are good for that.
Skave: I was talking about Shev, Vok is more important.
Miya: You can tell they’re brothers, can’t you?
Shev: … at least I don’t blow myself up on a regular basis. 
 
This chamber is evidently the nursery - larvae and pupae.
 
Arram: What’s the generation time of an ant?
Miya: 14-15 minutes.
Arram: What????
 
Skave scouts ahead, and returns at speed - he’s found the royal chamber and the remaining ants. 
 
Skave’s player: Boy, am I glad I’m the Utility character.
Shev’s player: Yeah - now be of utility. 
 
Which might be considered a bit harsh, given Skave HAS been of more utility so far - Shev is not doing well with his attacks today. Arram Enlarges himself with one of Skave’s potions, leans forward over the melee, and toasts most of the ants. We’re also quite fortunate that the Queen focuses most of her attacks on Vok, but then the giant riding rat is the largest enemy close to her - at least until Arram gets in range.
 
Miya: You keep punching women in the face today, Gonno, what will your wife say?
Shev: That she was a b**** and deserved it?
 
Skave finds the skeleton of a dwarf in the garbage heap - the actual garbage heap, not the giant Assassin Bug from earlier. Given how intact the remains are, they presumably fed him to their larvae. His armour is intact too - Adamantium chainmail. 
 
Skave: If we’re careful undoing the links, brother, maybe we can get two chain shirts out of it. 
Arram: Ha! Good luck undoing adamantine links!
GM: You don’t have the tools to work Adamantium.
Skave: We don’t have the tools HERE.
 
He had a magical cube in his bag. It’s charged with Divination magic.
 
Shev: At least it’s not Conjuration. No chance of summoning the weird skinny guy with all the nails in his head. 
 

Jrska: I really don't think any attempt to reform her will go the way the spirits hope. She'd enjoy the highlight reel of her life too much, reject anything that might actually give her pause, and strengthen her resolve to Do It All More And Harder
 
Vitus: That would get ugly fast. Vitus would not react well to the suggestion that his current angry misery is entirely the result of his own life choices. 
 
Hero Shrew wouldn't take Christmas Past well. He was born in a cage. Assuming that Spirit takes the hint and leaves before it gets its head punched off, he'd probably use the Present to come up with a nice shopping list for his friends and acquaintances, and the Future might actually give him a much-needed prod to be more thoughtful in future. 
 
Zero would probably be too paranoid that somebody knows his secret identity for any life lesson to actually sink in. 
 
Ripper K would demand a version with Muppets.
 
Felix 'Bubbles' Bethke would be more interested in how this spirit summoning was actually done, although the archetypes its drawing on are obvious enough. After that he'd probably want to figure out why somebody sicced it on him. Doesn't seem a very effective way to remove a shadowrunner from play  
 
Terzo Porcinus: Would probably feel considerable regret that he hasn't acted for the good of Kintargo before now, and his rather closeted private life might be the source of some pain, but a glimpse of how the rebellion will go will be worth it. Hopefully it isn't his head on a pike somewhere as a traitor. 
 
Gonno hasn't lived long enough or had any effects beyond his village to interest any Yuletide spirits. The only thing that might concern him is how the life of his rival develops - if it continues on its current path things might get very bad. Possibly he'll need to steer them onto a healthier one rather than just ignore them.
 
ROVER might accidentally shoot them a few times but the only lasting result i can see is the robot getting a few seasonal MIDI files and flashing Christmas lights installed during his next upgrade. Set on an annual timer, of course. 

JRSKA would be livid - her OnlyFans is one of her more amusing pastimes. When she catches up with whoever is responsible, the results will only be pretty to other Slaanesh cultists.
 
R.O.V.E.R isn't really equipped to understand social media, but it would certain affect the operations of his counterpart S.P.O.T - social media is one of the data sources that AI uses to select ROVER's next target.
 
Vitus : "And you're wasting my precious time with this *why*?"
 
 
Hero Shrew: "Oh, I thought our PR rep had locked me out of the team's social media accounts again. Huh."
 
Ripper K(and for that matter Felix Bethke) : Who's loosing the most money and how much can they pay us to fix it?
 
Zero: "Have you any idea what it's like to be a telepath in the same room as an addict going through withdrawal? Now multiply that by 10 million."
 

JRSKA would be livid - her OnlyFans is one of her more amusing pastimes. When she catches up with whoever is responsible, the results will only be pretty to other Slaanesh cultists.
 
R.O.V.E.R isn't really equipped to understand social media, but it would certain affect the operations of his counterpart S.P.O.T - social media is one of the data sources that AI uses to select ROVER's next target.
 
Vitus : "And you're wasting my precious time with this *why*?"
 
 
Hero Shrew: "Oh, I thought our PR rep had locked me out of the team's social media accounts again. Huh."
 
Ripper K(and for that matter Felix Bethke) : Who's loosing the most money and how much can they pay us to fix it?
 
Zero: "Have you any idea what it's like to be a telepath in the same room as an addict going through withdrawal? Now multiply that by 10 million."
 

Jrska: I really don't think any attempt to reform her will go the way the spirits hope. She'd enjoy the highlight reel of her life too much, reject anything that might actually give her pause, and strengthen her resolve to Do It All More And Harder
 
Vitus: That would get ugly fast. Vitus would not react well to the suggestion that his current angry misery is entirely the result of his own life choices. 
 
Hero Shrew wouldn't take Christmas Past well. He was born in a cage. Assuming that Spirit takes the hint and leaves before it gets its head punched off, he'd probably use the Present to come up with a nice shopping list for his friends and acquaintances, and the Future might actually give him a much-needed prod to be more thoughtful in future. 
 
Zero would probably be too paranoid that somebody knows his secret identity for any life lesson to actually sink in. 
 
Ripper K would demand a version with Muppets.
 
Felix 'Bubbles' Bethke would be more interested in how this spirit summoning was actually done, although the archetypes its drawing on are obvious enough. After that he'd probably want to figure out why somebody sicced it on him. Doesn't seem a very effective way to remove a shadowrunner from play  
 
Terzo Porcinus: Would probably feel considerable regret that he hasn't acted for the good of Kintargo before now, and his rather closeted private life might be the source of some pain, but a glimpse of how the rebellion will go will be worth it. Hopefully it isn't his head on a pike somewhere as a traitor. 
 
Gonno hasn't lived long enough or had any effects beyond his village to interest any Yuletide spirits. The only thing that might concern him is how the life of his rival develops - if it continues on its current path things might get very bad. Possibly he'll need to steer them onto a healthier one rather than just ignore them.
 
ROVER might accidentally shoot them a few times but the only lasting result i can see is the robot getting a few seasonal MIDI files and flashing Christmas lights installed during his next upgrade. Set on an annual timer, of course. 

Queensfist: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ii think I'm supposed to burn joss sticks for the ghosts? I texted Auntie Jen and . . Oh, she's texted back already. Joss sticks, Moon, and . . . I haven't learned these characters yet."
 
Demigoblin: "Here. Okay, they're just classical. It says, "Hi, Bruce: Please tell Charlotte that she needs to offer lucky money to the spirits, and she has a packet in the bottom drawer of her Taylor Swift shrine."
 
Queensfist: "Did she --I never --How did she know? --It's not a shrine, it's a bureau! Anyone want to help out with the offering?"
 
Maid of Gold: [Whispering] "It's totally a shrine."
 
Fairchild: "First rule of messing with spirits is you don't mess with spirits unless you know what you're doing. Or, if you're too lazy to do your homework, you copy off someone who does. I'd like to say that that's me, but I didn't do the homework, either. You're on your own, girl."
 
Carnadine: "Ooh, they're from the future. That's like, the hood! Well, not my hood, 'cuz they're pretty chipper for spirits from my dark, postapocalyptic future, where there is only Muppet Christmas Carol. Should I say "dark"? It's pretty loaded. I mean, it's okay for me to say it, but. . . Anyway, we should probably find out how to avoid whatever apocalypse is about to happen this time. And then fix it with SCIENCE!"
 
Twelve: "Magic is only a bougie mystification of science to serve the interests of the  oligarchy . . . Gotcha!"
 
Maid of Gold: "Hey! I was just going to give you the tiniest little wedgie. So what's your bright idea?"
 
Twelve: "Work with good people to make the world a better place? Or is that not enough snark for you, Dora? Spirits, I mean, not people. I mean, spirits are people, too!"
 
Demogoblin: "I'll help you with the offering, Charlotte."
 
Maid of Gold: [Eyeroll].
 
 
 
 

Recently, we did the 40th anniversary episode for the campaign. More recently, the 100th episode for one of our newest supergroups. However, this past Saturday, we did the 600th episode for our earliest, and continually running, supergroup. It featured every hero of that group for the past 40 years, against Dr. Destroyer. Total supers, including cameos of which there were plenty, came out to 18 superheroes. Woo! It was a rousing success, complete with a 3 minute video I created (which came out to be the 250th video created for our Champions campaign), and an actual map of Paris the players used to save the city.

R.O.V.E.R would only enter it in pursuit of somebody on his target list, since his programming respects private property except in cases of pursuit, but things would rapidly get out of hand on the other side, without radio contact to SPOT to keep him out of program loops and edge cases. AmigaOS is probably not the best computer language to run a robot bounty hunter off. 
 
Vitus : If there access to more magic-friendly universes through the door, then you wouldn't see Vitus for dust. He might not even hang around long enough to tell his erstwhile teammates what he really thinks of them and their dimension. 
 
Hero Shrew: If they have an all-you-eat menu then it's not going to open into Edge City past tonight. 
 
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/0d1db61f-eda1-4aab-9ae9-6481477613b5
 
Ripper K(and for that matter Felix Bethke) : NOPE. That's a magical working that’s WAY above their pay grade. Of course if somebody was willing to pay triple rate, with danger money and expenses, they'd consider investigating. 
 
Zero: Might stick his head in and telepathise everybody nearby just to confirm it isn't an interdimensional invasion gate