Lawnmower Boy

Qantan: Australian Richard Branson-type. Archconservative, powered armour, helicarrier base, needs to have a talk with somebody about Tom Abbott. Swagman: 100% Irish ancestry from 100% Irish ancestors who 100% migrated from 100% Ireland; magic user with deep connections to the Outback in spite of being 100% from 100% Ireland. Totally not denying anything, and that's just a tan, you stuck-up Pommie b*st*rd, now feel the wrath of my 100% Irish killstick. Firster: The early days of the First Fleet were rough, which is why his ancestor was picked out of the common rabble to be a trusty. They say that his ancestor was a gentleman, fallen into the criminal class for reasons out of his control. Of course, they also say that he was a jailhouse snitch with a bad imitation of a "posh" accident. Never mind that, though, because after five generations of sending their children to the best English boarding schools, the accent is the least of the family's concern. Keeping the dungeon under their Sydney mansion secret --now that's a top priority. Firster read a few comics in his youth, and one of the things he decided was that the Hellfire Club was a good idea, but kind of lame, in practice. His version of the Hellfire Club, now that's happening. Whether the demon he deals with is the same as the one his ancestor first appeased, now that's an open question.

So, let's see: i) Crazy lineups at all open checkstands; ii) "Please Use Next Checkstand" signs at Customer Service. Is there, perhaps, and I am just throwing this question out in idle curiosity, some clearer way for us to intimate that the one manager and four cashiers you can see are all that are available, and that maybe now is not the time to lineup at customer service to get a refund on the wrong size of Rice Krispies you bought? The question is perhaps more pressing in that I left my (busy) checkstand to walk over and tell you that there would be no-one at Customer Service for about half an hour, and your response was, "But I need to do a return!" Because, and let me be perfectly clear about this, I know you need to do a return. I had a feeling that was the case. I understand. People need to do a lot of things that I wish they could do. They need to run into MacDonalds or the DMV, get through to a live operator at the cable company, book an appointment with a specialist, get across the bridge in less than twenty minutes. Those are all important things that they should be able to do! But, sometimes, you can't. And if I had to guess what time that might be, I might guess that it was at peak hours. And, moreover, I would guess that, say, the traffic lined up twenty blocks behind the bridge would be some kind of clue that this isn't going to take twenty minutes. Therefore, I have a proposal. Don't try to use these facilities at peak hours. Or, be prepared to wait, at peak hours. Or, even, and I know this is crazy, consider just how important your errand actually is.

Cost-plus! Cost-plus! Cost-plus! It's the battle cry of a new religion.

Other police had shot walls before. Therefore, it is impossible to determine whether this particular officer killed this wall.

This is dumb and you should feel bad. The solution isn't bigger guns. It's high-techier guns. With autonomous, network-targeting, decentred, disruptive game-changing Internet of Things iAwesomeness.

I don't have a very good track record of predicting Rich's plot twists, so I'll just say that I'd rather not see this come down to a buffing/debuffing contest. I want more Belkar!

[something about Aquaman fans] Roy does look cool, and I have high hopes for his anti-spellcaster feat, but he really does seem to fall short in some key areas. though a Protection from Evil would help vs. vampiric powers, and a Ring of +20 Leaping versus the High Priest of Hel's flight advantage. Hint hint.

I know that people do this a lot and it comes over precious, but I still need to say that Jared was never one of my heroes.

Three Washington state firefighters were killed yesterday in the Stickpin fire, now 37,000 acres on the upper Kettle River, within 6km of Grand Forks and approaching, with nothing but sunny and hot in the forecast. The firefighter base at Midway is being described as a virtual army camp, but there's just more fire than hands to fight it. I'm beginning to think there's something to this whole "global warming" thing. (And I wish Hermit had used his psychic powers to see this coming.)

This kind of cynicism is ruining everything for everyone.

It's true. The King of Ivory doesn't deal. His lieutenants, on the other hand, are putting themselves out there. Specifically, it was Varakes Archlich. (When the boss promoted himself to King of Death, a space opened up in the hierachy for someone who'd been slaving away unrecognised for 70,000 years.) Who contacted Professor Paradigm through a mutual friend. (Noatar the Empyrean has no idea why you're looking at him that way.) Now, I had ideas about where this was going. All these great answers have completely up-ended them. See, the thing is, my setting is Tatammy High, a magnet school for superpowered kids in the Philadelphia school system. (Well, a secret magnet programme within a regular high school, but never mind.) Professor Paradigm, learning of this, did the only moonbat-insane thing you could possibly do in a situation like that. He got a job at Tatammy as a drama teacher, with a group of young supercriminals as one of his classes. (No offence, LL. I takes my inspiration where I finds it.) High school cliques. What would we do without them? And now we have a mystery to solve, because the gauntlet was sabotaged in the school, by someone with access to the campus. Who? Is one of the superkids actually a manifestation of Auralia? Is someone communing with the Blue Gods? Or Therakiel? There's any number of kids with time travel hooks. Does one of them have a connection with Captain Chronos? And can our heroes find the culpirt before a certain, raging drama teacher/supevillain does? And what will the School Board say?

A Blue god, hunh? Hmm. Okay. But let's assume for a moment that Kibern is still a bit astral-y. Where is he hiding Auralia? Also, who sabotaged Paradigm's gauntlet? (I've actually been inspired with an answer to this question that I like, but I'm open to other ones.)

So here's the scene: Professor Paradigm has a deal with Takofanes: The King of Ivory will help Professor Paradigm recover the mysterious Auralia, the sword with which Takofanes was killed (twice) in the Turakian Age. In return, the Mad Mentor will apply "destructive testing" on the First Light of Morning. Professor Paradigm gains insight into the secrets of the universe, while Auralia is removed from the scene, allowing Takofanes to once again rule the world. It's a win-win-win! Unfortunately for Paradigm, the moment his gauntlets close over Auralia's hilt, the sword simply disappears. So the question I'm putting to you guys, in hopes of better answers than the ones I've come up with, is: who is behind this, and where did Auralia go?

The Hoppi-Copter http://airandspace.si.edu/collections/artifact.cfm?object=nasm_A19520054000

Yeah, but I've got the Internet, now.

Hee. You're old, Herbert. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pNQYHvhnms

Eh. What's it ever done for me?

As far as we understand schizophrenia, it is a disease of mental dysfunction, like being drunk, or, perhaps, in a dream state. We don't attribute rationality because the ability to reason through circumstances isn't any more present than the ability to stop fidgeting. To the extent that schizophrenics present a rationale for their behaviour, it is of a piece with trying to rationalise "events" in a dream. Executing someone for a crime arising purely from schizophrenia is like executing a chloroformed sentry for dereliction of duty. Now, that being said, it is more than likely that mass-murdering schizophrenics have something else going on in there. I believe the current trend is a dual diagnosis. That is, a schizophrenic who is also suffering from manic depressive disorder is more likely to commit mass murder, although of course these are very rare events. Then you've got your triple diagnosis --either one of the rarer physically-rooted mental disorders, or one of the personality disorders that may be dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Its the last that make everyone queasy. We don't let alcoholics off on the grounds that their drinking is "self-medicating!" And, yet ...they are. If mental illness were easy to deal with --well, we wouldn't have things like the Aurora shooting to start with.

I miss charms. i'm sure I'll get over it, but I miss them.

Windows 10 is very pretty, and the Jedi struck me as elitest, obscurantist exploiters even before they tried to overthrow my beloved Chancellor Emperor, so I'm good, thanks.

She is, indeed. And I'm sure she's a perfectly fine actor. She's just not Jessica Alba.

If you reach up through the bottom door, sometimes you can get at the things inside. Scrunch down and under to really get your hand up its guts. And while you're doing that, get your buddies to start it rocking, for exta leverage!

Woo-hoo! The Fantastic Four relaunch! It's my favouritest comic book of all time, finally re-imagined the way I've always wanted it to be! As camera-friendly, sexy young people,* only not too sexy, to save money for . . . special effects or something! It's by that studio that's done such a good job of all the other Fantastic Fours! It's coming out the week after the August long weekend, when all the big summer blockbusters are often sometimes also still playing in large markets somewhere! It's only a week after the season's Adam Sandler vehicle! It has .. that guy! And that girl! And Doctor Doom. Maybe. And it's by a director who made an interesting movie once! The trailers and stuff have been all sepia, just like Sucker Punch! And speaking of trailers, there haven't been any to over-expose the product in, like, forever! Which is good! Because reasons! (And if that already wasn't enough to make you super-love the new movie ["super" is a pun! {Two layers of parenthenses, I'm so excited! No, three!}], it gave me a reason to say 'because reasons'!) ...There. See? People are excited. *No offence to Kate Mara, who is clearly qualified to be a movie actress due to the way that she has come up from a hardscrabble, working class family of NFL team owners, and has previously played That Pretty Girl in Iron Man 2. But Jessica Alba she ain't.

Can't think of a way this could go wrong. Nope, not possible 1.. Rip: "YOU. KNOW. WHAT. TIME. IT. IS? S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y SATURDAY NIGHT! SATURDAY NIGHT!" Captain Singularity: "Oh, jeez, Rip. Tone it down a bit. We're trying to play Settlers of Cataan here." Rip: "I can't believe this. You're playing board games. At home. On a Saturday night. [Guitarr riff.] Saturday night. S-A-" The Ultimate Hacker: "We can spell, thanks very much. Look. This is the way we like to relax." Rip: "Okay, a sausage fest, I get it. Nothing wrong with that. Except this is the wrong kind of sausage fest, don't get me wrong, but I'm not seeing no. . . But enough about my interesting experiences. don't you guys have the Beach Bums poster in the common area? Don't you want to meet girls? How can you do that if you're not putting yourself out there. Look, I have a plan. It's a bit out there, but heare me out. It involves a blow-up doll, an issue of Playboy, wearing bras on your heads, and me looking like Kelly LeBrock, which, you know, I've always want to try swinging that way --Oh, no, you're not turning my sound volume down. Don't touch that mouse. I can still text you! Don't turn off the screen, there could be alerts! I . . . darn it! 2. SONJA: "Warning, warning, base security compromised." Boogie Beast: "That's unpossible. Our security, like, r0xx0rs." SONJA: "Perhaps you should have listened to me when I warned you about hiring "Mr. Doctor I. A. M. A. S. Upervillain" to repair the downstairs pluymbing." Bro Down: "Heh heh heh. My 'Ten Things You Can't Flush Down the Toilet' Youtube has a hundred thousand views!" SONJA: "And you should feel proud. Nevertheless, I believe now would be a good time to declare an alpha emergency and recall the team reservists." So Hot: "You're just overreacting again. Most plumbers wear black cowls under fedoras, are over seven feet tall and have glowing red eyes." SONJA: "No. They. Don't. And even you would have figured that out if you hadn't stared right down the barrel of his hypno gun when he asked you if you wanted to see something totally perved out, you--" The Tequila Gilla: "Hey, what was that shudder? Are, we, like, having an earthquake?" SONJA: "I should imagine that that was the hyperdrives kicking in." Boogie Beat; "Woo-hoo! The Justice Homies are going to space!" 3. Cypher-Lambda 14: "We'll try this again. First, see this very small, toy cow, to which I am gesturing holographically? This cow is very small. See the cow out the window? That cow is far away. Very small; far away. Very small, far away." Ripped Justice: "I don't get it." 4. The Bartender Who Has No Name At That Place Where All the Superheroes Hang Out: "Gonna nurse those beers forever?" Mr. Incredible: "Uhm, no. We'll have another round for the table. Uhm, coffee this time." The Bartender, etc. "So, like four hours ago? Why don't you guys just go back to your headquarters?" Mr. Incredible: "Restraining order." 5. Reveille's at 5AM on the dot. 6. Superdude: "Oh my God, oh my God, the Immigration's just buzzed up. They'll be here in five minutes! Where did I leave those toothbrushes?" Amazing Woman: "Toothbrushes?" Superdude: "It's in this book." He waves a copy of The Dummy's Guide to Marrying a Foreigner. "If we share toothbrushes, it means that our relationship is legitimate!" Amazing Woman: "What? God? The Black Camry and I don't share toothbrushes. That's gross. And shouldn't you be reading about adopting foreigners?" "Superdude: "I couldn't find that one on Amazon. Here's the toothbrushes! Now we have to all brush with ours, for, you know, DNA. . . " Bat 66: "Relax, old chum. They want to see that all the alleged members of the household have toothbrushes. We just need to wear them down and-- Memorex: "Ahem. Why is my toothbrush the only one that's not electric?" Superdude: "Well, you don't actually have teeth to brush. . ." [behind his back, Amazing Woman rolls her eyes dramatically and shrugs her shoulders in the 'Now you've done it' manoeuvre.] Memorex: "Oh, just because I don't have mastication capabilities I'm a second class citizen now. . ."