Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Here's what I have so far on my character, Nemesis. Constructive criticism is welcome. If I'm on the wrong thread, sorry about that. lol Background Story: The Cartiers were an American success story. Thomas was a successful businessman, heading a mutlinational conglomerate. His wife, Martha, was a renowned surgeon. They had three children, all very bright, ambitious children. Their oldest child, Emily, was a gymnast considered by many to be a front runner to make the US Olympic team. Thomas, Jr. showed a great scientific potential at a young age. Bruce was a talented artist, despite being only ten years old. They were the social elite of Newport City, until their world was destroyed. The Cartiers were celebrating Emily’s 15th birthday with a small dinner at an exclusive Italian restaurant. All the Cartiers were in attendance, as was their butler, Pierre, at Emily’s request. It was a pleasant dinner that turned frighteningly wrong. The cake had just been brought out when several men walked in, calmly lifted automatic weapons and started firing. If that wasn’t bad enough, several men appeared from a back room and returned the fire. Screams filled the restaurant as patrons were caught in the crossfire, including the Cartiers. Emily felt a flash of pain in her lower back as she dove under the table, taking her youngest brother Bruce with her. She was horrified to see his surprised expression, wide open vacant eyes and the blood covering his shirt. She gritted her teeth as the gunfire continued, laying perfectly still and weeping over her brother’s body as she saw her family fall to the ground, dead. She was still laying with Bruce, crying, when the police arrived to clean up the carnage. While Emily was laying in the hospital, in traction, Pierre’s brother Andres visited her, giving her someone to share her grief with. Someone who understood the pain she was going through. Emily had no family left, neither did Andres. It was in the hospital that she looked Andres in the eye and swore she wouldn’t rest until her family was avenged and Newport City was safe for other families. Emily wasn’t able to attend her parents’ funeral due to her injuries, which was yet another reason in her mind to avenge them. She was released in a wheelchair for the reading of her parents’ will. At the reading, it was discovered that in the event of the Cartier parents’ death, Pierre would become the children’s legal guardian, Andres being named if Pierre wasn’t able to do so. Thus formed a relationship that has endured to the present day. She was another month in the hospital with daily therapy before being released. The Olympic hopeful walked out of the hospital on crutches, with both legs in braces. What the public didn’t know, and would never find out, is that her doctor sympathized with her dilemma and had lost someone to mob violence when he was younger, so he’d made sure her records showed that she didn’t respond to the physical therapy as had been hoped. The fact of the matter was that she’d shown remarkable progress, exhibiting a determination that wouldn’t be denied. With Andres shielding her from outside interference, Emily retired to her family’s penthouse to begin preparing herself for her mission. She’d been taking martial arts since a young age as a means of defending herself and helping with her conditioning and she continued her training in the martial arts and gymnastics on her own, working steadily for six hours a day. The rest of her time, she spent studying many subjects that would help her. Forensics, criminology, security systems, chemistry and many other subjects, bringing to bear a keen intelligence and an ability to focus that most had overlooked in her due to her athletic ability. Finally, she decided that she’d learned all she could on her own, so she set out to find the finest teachers in the world to gain the benefit of their expertise. She disguised herself, using false names, as she sought the tutelage of the best the world had to offer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Skaramine Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis VERY cool. I like her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis VERY cool. I like her. Thanks. She's still a work in progress. I'm working on some vignettes of her time with various experts before getting her into a costume. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Do NOT get on her bad side. She does sound somewhat familiar though.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doug McCrae Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Liked the Batman ref. This thread should really be in Champions, I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Liked the Batman ref. This thread should really be in Champions, I think. I posted here without thinking. Sorry, when I think of the boards, I think of NGD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Rachel, you can (and perhaps should) ask Ben to move this to Champions. Just a suggestion. Anyway, cool writeup, I like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Rachel' date=' you can (and perhaps should) ask Ben to move this to Champions. Just a suggestion. Anyway, cool writeup, I like it.[/quote'] Okay. I'll PM him. Thanks. Sorry about the clutter, guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Skaramine Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Okay. I'll PM him. Thanks. Sorry about the clutter, guys. Not clutter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Worldmaker Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Do NOT get on her bad side. She does sound somewhat familiar though.... She was the Batman of the Guardians Universe for a long time, and hopefully will be again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Ah, so it's autobiographical. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis She was the Batman of the Guardians Universe for a long time' date=' and hopefully will be again.[/quote'] That's why I'm trying to write the best background I possibly can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Very cool, I gues Kara did look grim and avenging in her dark colors Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Very cool' date=' I gues Kara did look grim and avenging in her dark colors [/quote'] No, she was busy giggling at Conan the Destroyer. lol That was all me, with some input from Worldmaker. I've got two of the three vignettes with her experts done. Still trying to think of a good way to do the vignette in the ninja temple in Japan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis The finished vignettes: The jungles of Nicaragua – The air was hot and heavy, pressing in on the people in the makeshift camp. Sweat plastered her shirt to her back as she finished putting the automatic rifle together before whipping the blindfold off and taking aim at a nearby tree. There was a satisfying click as the hammer fell on the empty chamber. Pedro looked at her and grinned around his big cigar, his strong yellowed teeth showing prominently. “You put together every gun we have blindfolded. You can arm and disarm bombs faster than Jorge. You even taught us a thing or two about sneaking around. I can’t teach you any more,†he paused thoughtfully. “Join us. It will be a glorious revolution!†She reached into her pack and withdrew a bundle wrapped in plastic, then tossed it to Pedro as she shouldered the pack and walked away without a backward glance. The streets of Paris – The night air was cool and damp, fog shrouding the streets, streetlights looking like small moons, their nimbus only showing their location without lighting the way. The dark shadow ahead of her walked along, unaware of her presence. Her Mossad trainer had given her a mission to kill this man, an international terrorist. She crept along behind, keeping her distance, every sense alert. She lost him when he rounded a corner and hurried to catch up. He was gone. A frown appeared on her face as she glanced around, moving forward stealthily. She turned to look over her shoulder to feel the cold barrel of a gun press against her forehead and the unmistakable sound of a hammer being drawn back. “Bang! You’re dead!†the man said with a thick French accent. “Now, cherie, tell me what you did wrong.†She sighed in frustration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enforcer84 Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis perhaps one of the ninja, while not on job, see her in action (don't know if that's possible at this point or not, but anywhoo) and, after giving their aid, offer to take her to the temple. Perhaps they recognize her from the news (if her family was that well known) or its an individual who is enchanted by her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis perhaps one of the ninja' date=' while not on job, see her in action (don't know if that's possible at this point or not, but anywhoo) and, after giving their aid, offer to take her to the temple. Perhaps they recognize her from the news (if her family was that well known) or its an individual who is enchanted by her.[/quote'] I doubt the recognition factor would work, but one of the other ideas might do it. I'll give it some thought. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Okay. I'll PM him. Thanks. Sorry about the clutter, guys. As Skaramine (I almost wrote MS!) said, not clutter, just saying is all, since I also think you'd get some other good comments there that you wouldn't here - a lot of the more hardcore gamers don't seem to come here much if ever. I like the additional background stuff you've just posted, too. At least there's one vague point of overlap with the Nemesis I wrote (Latin America) - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis As Skaramine (I almost wrote MS!) said, not clutter, just saying is all, since I also think you'd get some other good comments there that you wouldn't here - a lot of the more hardcore gamers don't seem to come here much if ever. I like the additional background stuff you've just posted, too. At least there's one vague point of overlap with the Nemesis I wrote (Latin America) - The idea is she travelled all over the world to find the best to train her so she'd be ready to clean up a very corrupt town. Thanks for the feedback. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Some of the other subjects I believe she should ahve studies include: Physics (for gadgets and knowledge on the natural world, tempreture, velocity etc), Philosophy (ethics, logic and I reckon she'll need this)**, economics (if she is running her family business empire). ** What is Philosophy? The study of philosophy develops analytical rigour and the ability to criticise and reason logically. It allows you to apply these skills to many contemporary and historical schools of thought and individual thinkers, and to questions on such subjects as the fundamental nature of reality, the nature, possibility and limits of knowledge, the nature and grounds of moral judgements, the nature of the mind and its relation to the body, and the fundamental principles of language, science, religion, art and literature. And a suggestion: under a assumed name she goes on a pilgramage to the Shaolin Temple in China. They she learns an ancient martial art. Why do they help her is up to them, they have their reasons, and possibily to help her find peace after all is said and done. During any combat she will need an inner focus and time clock that is boosted by spiritually and peace she learns from the temple. It will allow her to kick *ss and take names all that better. She would still avenge them and "hate" the crimials who took away her family but when she needs to find peace...she can, because of the Temple training. Otherwise I reckon the passion will eat her up and become uncontrolled and she will end up torturing herself. Her vengence needs to be clear, something she can tap into when she needs to, but also to "let go" in situations when it is inappropriate (eg State dinners...and you know they will take advantage). All my 2 cents, take what you want and discard the rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zornwil Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Rachel, what sort of feedback are you looking for? Narrative or write-up or - ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawksmoor Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Wow!! Rachel? Ever think of joining the darkside? I am putting together a Badboys/girls game where you get to be a VILLIAN! Anyway I like the vignettes, it reminds me of my Seraph write ups. Ryan is going to have a hard job ahead of him I am certain. Hawksmoor -BTW I think YOU will get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Skaramine Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Wow!! Rachel? Ever think of joining the darkside? I am putting together a Badboys/girls game where you get to be a VILLIAN! Anyway I like the vignettes, it reminds me of my Seraph write ups. Ryan is going to have a hard job ahead of him I am certain. Hawksmoor -BTW I think YOU will get it. Where can I see the Seraph write-ups? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aylwin13 Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Rachel, I really like this stuff. The background is an homage to the Dark Knight, but the story and character are still your own. I liked the vignettes, and really wished there was more. I particularly liked the passage about the streetlights in the fog. Very descriptive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 Re: Nemesis Rachel' date=' what sort of feedback are you looking for? Narrative or write-up or - ?[/quote'] Just feedback in general. Does it suck? Is there a way to make it better? Constructive criticism is always welcome. I won't be working on the actual character sheet until (hopefully) she gets accepted into the game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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