How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

[Cygnia]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Yansuf:

Silly question, but do players ever act in a way just to watch a GM squirm? (I'm probably being oversensitive, but my concern is piped up pretty high; In any case, I'm not talking to him tonight, absolutely. Not until the sun comes up, definitely.)

 

-SC

 

You're not being oversensitive. And sadly, the answer is yes.

 

My late ex-BF was in a game with such a problem player. Hardcore "badass" assassin/martial artist only into combat and killing.

 

The group has subdued a minor villain/henchman while being filmed by a news crew.

 

Problem Player: Using my paramedics skill, I slit his tendons subtly, then kill him.

 

GM: You're being FILMED!

 

PP: I kill them too.

 

Needless to say, PP was kicked out soon after.

 

You may not want to do it, but as a GM you will NEED to talk to this guy. I do suggest talking to the others in the group first, but for your own esteem and position of authority as a GM, you need lay it on the line here. No more hiding behind the Geek Social Fallacies.

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Cygnia:

Thanks, I think I suffer from most of the GSF (How did I let this happen to me??)

I guess I have to just go over and assert some umm... GM authority.

(Please don't let anything scary/bad come out of this!... This is like how stalker movies start...)

 

-SC

[Vondy]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Oh gads' date=' I do have to talk to him directly don't I?[/quote']

 

Sadly, yes. If you don't it festers and gets worse. But do it when your calm and have thought it through.

 

Sadistic and misogynistic? Wow' date=' I never thought about it that way, and that's really, really... creepy.[/quote']

 

I stand by the assessment, but those are the absolute last words I'd use when discussing it with him. It could be latent and he could just be a maladjusted putz with poor social skills (pardon my language). Those terms could be incendiary. The goal is to change how he interacts with you for the better so you can run your game, not fix his soul.

 

I hope he's not acting this way because I'm y'know not the "normal GM-type..."

 

I hope not too. Its possible, of course, but I wouldn't get too wound up about facts you don't have in evidence. Its possible he doesn't have a clue he's being rude and inconsiderate. And preferable. But if he is doing it on purpose... at least you know what knot to use.

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Vondy:

Thanks for the calming words.

I of course would never use the words "sadistic" or "misogynistic," but I've never heard anyone spell it out like that before, it's kind of... well... alarming.

 

-SC

[Tasha]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Tasha:

Silly question, but do players ever act in a way just to watch a GM squirm? (I'm probably being oversensitive, but my concern is piped up pretty high; In any case, I'm not talking to him tonight, absolutely. Not until the sun comes up, definitely.)

 

-SC

 

There are players (and people) who do stuff to get a rise out of someone. So it is possible that he is doing this to make you squirm. Just another reason to talk to him

[Cygnia]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Do you have a trusted friend/relative that you can have nearby when you have "the talk"? Vondy may be right in the fact that this guy may be genuinely clueless in how he comes across. Take some time to decompress and figure out what you want to say in neutral language beforehand.

 

But if your instincts are still telling you that this guy is bad news afterwards: Kick him out. Your table, your rules.

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Actually, one of my BFF's is in the game, and she lives pretty close. Maybe I should just call her. Otherwise, I am SO not sleeping tonight.

 

-SC

[sinanju]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

I don't care about how it works. I have this problem in my game, too, sometimes this is an example of "The character works great in a written comic book, but just shouldn't be played in a game." For the Wolverine types, this is my general assessment. They need a hook like "Loves Another Member of the Team" or "My secret masters won't let me leave the area of these people" But "Character Does Not bathe?"

 

If I were the other PC's, I would be like "You stink! Get out!"

 

Yeah, whenever I run a game, the first two rules on the "How to build a PC" handout are:

 

1. No silly characters.

2. Characters must be willing and able to work and play well together.

 

I don't care what your character concept is, if you are unable or unwilling to work with the other characters, you can't play it. If your "loner" is willing to unbend enough to work with the other PCs, that's fine. If he's so loner-y (or psychotic or unhygenic) that the other PCs would refuse to associate with him, that's not okay.

[Trebuchet]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

He's doing what he's doing because of how I... wow, that's more Nightmare Fuel for me...

I've talked with the other ladies, and they don't seem to be as worked up about it (at least not that they'll admit).

Gaming is supposed to be fun, for player and GM alike. If a player makes you uncomfortable, that's not your fault. I've known two psychologically abusive GM/players over the 30+ years I've been role-playing; I won't play with either of them in any capacity whatsoever. Even if it's just a matter of this guy not understanding what you want in your game, that's a problem for the long-term success of your campaign.

 

I get the impression you're fairly young? If that's the case, don't let your youth make you assume you're overreacting. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

[novi]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Silly question' date=' but do players ever act in a way just to watch a GM squirm?[/quote']

 

Yes. It's a well established part of male social interaction. Thankfully, most of us have learned to use it sparingly and only in in proper company.

 

On the other hand, GMs will do things just to make a player squirm, too. We actually did it a couple times to a former friend and player. I'd say we regret it and miss him, but he's a 130% match on the GSF test, so we don't.

 

I want to suggest that you hit him with a scenario that combat can't solve and he can't ignore, but it sounds like he might be the type of person who can't grok that concept. It also sounds like he would take it poorly if he faced a foe who is better than him at combat, especially when that opponent doesn't kill him afterward.

 

So you're stuck talking to him in real life. The least desirable of options, but the only one certain to get the message across.

 

Lastly, welcome to the boards. We always appreciate new members.

Stick around here and you'll be fine, but watch out for the NGD. Thar' be unsavory folk and bunnehs there.

[Odraude]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

(quoted post deleted by member)

 

Hmmm what kind of beers? I enjoy Newcastle ale though I am more of a hard liquor kinda guy

 

Well from both a GM and relationship standpoint, I think this guy is pretty bonkers and mayhaps you should steer clear of him. Talk to Harry about this. I think he will understand. He sounds like a stage 3 creep. Be careful.

[AmadanNaBriona]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

If his actions are intended to attract your attention, you might want to consider them in that light.

 

Best case: He's a smart ironic kinky type who is somewhat bored by the game but likes to watch your reactions when he's given the chance to push a few buttons, and he's mainly playing because it's a chance to interact with you.

 

Worst case: He's trying to get you interested in him by depictions of graphic sex, violence, and misogyny. Be aware.

 

Don't think me judgmental. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'm one of the more outlandish characters on these here boards, quite open about my rather scandalous life. We haven't heard enough data to make any meaningful calls on his intentions, but do be smart.

 

(The good news is, if he's actually one of the self aware types, if you end up dating he'll probably become a much more involved player)

 

The Fool

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

I'm really sorry, I made a really bad post last night.

It's been deleted.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I broke so many of my own rules.

I swore, used IRL names and was generally really, really stupid!

Please don't ban me! I promise I won't do anything like this again!

Again, REALLY REALLY SORRY!

[Vondy]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

I'm really sorry, I made a really bad post last night.

It's been deleted.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I broke so many of my own rules.

I swore, used IRL names and was generally really, really stupid!

Please don't ban me! I promise I won't do anything like this again!

Again, REALLY REALLY SORRY!

 

You don't have anything to worry about. While vulgar expletives are against forum rules, your post was essentially inoccuous. We've had far, far worse pass without much comment. Especially down in the boards' nether regions. It largely a question of context and degree. I don't think anyone would report what you wrote to a moderator. And even if they did, the moderators have an infraction system. Aside from a few felonious posting practices the worst that would happen would be a mail asking you to change the post, or be given a warning. Usually bans come after multiple warnings. Its good that you have rules you try to post by. It means your thinking about good board citizenship (and personal privacy, esp. for a woman). We learn by making an error now and again. Its part of being human. Wait until you see a famewar erupt over some obscure piece of system minutiae. One of my rules is "don't drink and deride."

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Vondy:

Thank you!!

I sent you a PM if you have a chance.

I really try to keep rules, especially on-line.

I still can't believe I did this.

I pretty much announced the WORST thing I could do to everyone.

Why do I do things like this??

[Vondy]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Vondy:

Thank you!!

I sent you a PM if you have a chance.

 

I had a chance and took it. Check your Inbox.

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Vondy:

Thank you so much!

 

It means your thinking about good board citizenship (and personal privacy' date=' esp. for a woman). [/quote']

 

Sorry, I was reading your mail a bit more carefully (took a shower so I'm at least clean and freaking out now).

Umm, how to put this, have I made it obvious that I'm a girl?

(I try to make gender-neutral statements, it's one of my anti-stalking rules)

I mean, internet anonymity and all, I could be guy, right?

I mean, guys probably do things like this too, right?

(totally not fishing for something to salvage my ruined ego)

 

-SC

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Odraude:

I sent you a PM, please check it!

(Sorry, don't know what else to say...)

 

AmadannaBriona:

Umm, thanks for the reply.

I have very, very little relationship experience.

I'm pretty quiet, frankly timid, and freak out easily.

Not quite the package that guys are looking for (plus you know, I'm not smoking hot or anything).

 

 

I think I might

Ok I don't know what to do at this point.

Frankly, I'm considering putting the game on hiatus.

But that seems unfair to my players just for my own craziness.

:cue inner frustration:

 

-SC

[Vondy]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Vondy:

Thank you so much!

 

Sorry, I was reading your mail a bit more carefully (took a shower so I'm at least clean and freaking out now).

Umm, how to put this, have I made it obvious that I'm a girl?

(I try to make gender-neutral statements, it's one of my anti-stalking rules)

I mean, internet anonymity and all, I could be guy, right?

I mean, guys probably do things like this too, right?

(totally not fishing for something to salvage my ruined ego)

 

-SC

 

Based on deductive reading I drew the presumptive conclusion you are female, unmarried, and relatively young. You could, of course, be a sock puppet for a man, but in general people tend to conflate and distort more than they completely fabricate entire personas*. Unless a poster gives me reason for dubiety, and over time you become more finely attuned to the signs, I take their board persona being their prima facie identity until proven otherwise. You can't suspect and investigate everyone as a practical concern: only so many hours in a day.

 

You'll note a lot of us do know eachothers names, genders, marital status, ethnic backgrounds, faiths, politics, and ages, and sometimes we slip up and refer to eachother by name. And many of us do share personal details because of the unique nature of the community, but overall, being a young woman, you probably shouldn't put your full name on internet forums, or share where you live, or details that could locate you. You should set a level of privacy you are comfortable with.

 

And, even though I am relatively open about who I am, I don't include my players' names out of respect for their privacy and reputation. Also, if someone wants a relationship that goes past the boards (email, texting, skype or whatnot) I usu. prefer to speak to them via skype first. Its easier to verify the vital statistics and general personality of who you are dealing with that way.

 

*We, of course, did have Kara-Rachel-Gate a few years back: Fred Bittick, a guy in his thirties who had created two sock-puppets "hot married lesbians" and took those identities into PBEM games and personal correspondence with some of the posters here. He even made on of his sock-puppets "deaf" as an excuse to communicate via text rather than having to come up with a voice. Within a few weeks many of us were dubious and exchanged mails about it, but proof is another question. When Fred was finally unmasked he and his sock puppets hit the banned list. Welcome to the Hero Boards Soap Opera.

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Based on deductive reading I drew the presumptive conclusion you are female' date=' unmarried, and relatively young. You could, of course, be a sock puppet for a man, but in general people tend to conflate and distort more than they completely fabricate entire personas*. Unless a poster gives me reason for dubiety, and over time you become more finely attuned to the signs, I take their board persona being their prima facie identity [i']until proven otherwise[/i]. You can't suspect and investigate everyone as a practical concern: only so many hours in a day.

 

You'll note a lot of us do know eachothers names, genders, marital status, ethic backgrounds, faiths, politics, and ages, and sometimes we slip up and refer to eachother by name. And many of us do share personal details because of the unique nature of the community, but overall, being a young woman, you probably shouldn't put your full name on internet forums, or share where you live, or details that could locate you. You should set a level of privacy you are comfortable with.

 

And, even though I am relatively open about who I am, I don't include my players' names out of respect for their privacy and reputation. Also, if someone wants a relationship that goes past the boards (email, texting, skype or whatnot) I usu. prefer to speak to them via skype first. Its easier to verify the vital statistics and general personality of who you are dealing with that way.

 

*We, of course, did have Kara-Rachel-Gate a few years back: Fred Bittick, a guy in his thirties who had created two sock-puppets "hot married lesbians" and took those identities into PBEM games and personal correspondence with some of the posters here. He even made on of his sock-puppets "deaf" as an excuse to communicate via text rather than having to come up with a voice. Within a few weeks many of us were dubious and exchanged mails about it, but proof is another question. When Fred was finally unmasked he and his sock puppets hit the banned list. Welcome to the Hero Boards Soap Opera.

 

Oh. Oh, god you're really experienced at this then...

(Feel slightly less bad that my attempts at gender-anonymity weren't entirely obvious..., although I might as well have posted my life story it seems like...)

I hope you don't mind that I seem a bit hesitant on-line, it's just that you hear all of these really scary stories about internet-crazies.

One of my friends had a REALLY bad experience with someone that she met via a MMORPG, so I'm kind of skittish (although I guess I'm not as ninja-like disguising as I had hoped...)

Your story about the guy with the "sock puppets" kind of both disturbs and saddens me in a way. I don't want to be judgemental, but why would someone do that? I mean, sure if you want to say that you're a girl when you're not, that's fine but there's a line. I don't know, I'm always hoping to be as un-transparent as possible (although it looks like that's ANOTHER thing I'm not good at...)

 

-SC

[Supreme Serpent]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

No worries SimComm. Everything gets easier with time and practice.

 

If you want some more anonymity, a gender-neutral avatar pic would probably be good. Also, it's generally a good idea to re-read your post before hitting "Submit Reply" and see if there's things that should be changed or omitted.

[SimComm]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

Supreme Serpent:

Thanks!

I guess the Avatar picture wasn't a good way to do it.

(I just really like the picture; FYI she's a lot cuter than me, so don't get any ideas! )

But at this point I guess it's sort of too late, as I've effectively "shown my goods" to the internet.

 

Re-reading posts would be a good idea too...

Uh, besides my extreme drunken insanity last night, is there a post you're referring to?

 

-SC

[Vondy]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

I hope you don't mind that I seem a bit hesitant on-line' date=' it's just that you hear all of these really scary stories about internet-crazies.[/quote']

 

I don't mind at all. I have two daughters. Your safety must come first. You are participating in the community on terms you are comfortable with. You are under no obligation whatsoever to go outside that comfort zone.

 

One of my friends had a REALLY bad experience with someone that she met via a MMORPG' date=' so I'm kind of skittish (although I guess I'm not as ninja-like disguising as I had hoped...)[/quote']

 

When you are new to any situation (male of female) you should take it slow, ease into the waters, and get a feel for the personalities you are dealing with. The board itself allows for levels of privacy in that we have public forums and private messages you can leverage. You may feel more comfortable with some posters than others.

 

Your story about the guy with the "sock puppets" kind of both disturbs and saddens me in a way. I don't want to be judgemental' date=' but why would someone do that? I mean, sure if you want to say that you're a girl when you're not, that's fine but there's a line.[/quote']

 

Some people are callow, manipulative, and even a little bit cruel. Its another reason to verify who you are dealing with before taking a forum relationship off boards.

[greenbriar]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

If a blow up does occur, and the person leaves the game, please remember it's not your fault.I've been gaming with the same group for 20 years. recently we allowed a new person in and found our gaming styles incompatable. we tried seeing if the person would change . when this didn't happen he was booted out.

[CourtFool]

Re: How to make the Loner feel not so Lonely?

 

This really sounds like a player issue rather than a character issue. Believe me, I understand wanting to avoid confrontation. In my opinion, based on the information provided, this situation is not going to get better. Better to end it sooner on some-what friendly terms than let it fester to the point you are calling the police.

 

I suggest you e-mail him and state that the two of you simply have different playing styles and expectations which are incompatible. Sorry for any inconvenience. Good luck.

 

There really is no reason to go any further. Once faced with being booted out, he may demand to know 'why' or that he will change. Stick to your guns. A second chance only gives him the opportunity to gain ammunition against you. He will try to get the others on 'his side'.

 

To me, this really comes down to he makes you uncomfortable. This is suppose to be something you enjoy. You would not continue hanging out with someone who made you uncomfortable, why tolerate it in a role playing context? And by 'uncomfortable' I mean more than isolated incidences which do happen.