Pariah

He shows up with Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and Jack Frost, and the five of them beat the [redacted] out of you. New Topic: What famous superheroes gave up for Lent.

"What is the Science and Society Project, and why do I have a 0/30 on it?" (Actual student e-mail, except the original was in ALL CAPS.)

Turns out that's not ketchup.... (Alternately: Everyone in the restaurant is starring at you because she's screaming.)

That's what she said, isn't it?

Toadstools and sauerkraut (with arsenic sauce)

What's with all of these cubes? Where are all the d20's?

Q - She slapped you three days ago, and you've still got a hand-shaped red mark on your face! What did you day to her? A - You're the smartest person I know. Of course, I don't get out much.

This time next year we'll be looking at our yesterdays Seeing how far we've come from here All of our fears are the history of future days Climb the mountain, touch the skyline If you know that change is constant You'll find it's nothing new Don't be surprised when you realize It's happened to you There's a storm on the horizon It's coming here to stay It's a one-way ride through the silicon sky Oblivion days The road is clear down the neverending motorway From the brink of fleeting time Along the banks of the river turning night to day Climb the mountain, touch the skyline If you know that change is constant You'll find it's nothing new Don't be surprised when you realize It's happened to you There's a storm on the horizon It's coming here to stay It's a suicide dive through the hurricane's eye Oblivion days This time next year we'll be looking at our yesterdays Seeing how far we've come from here The sound you'll hear cross the ocean land of far away Climb the mountain, touch the skyline When you know that change is constant You'll find it's nothing new Don't be surprised when the compromise Is all about you You can read it in the headlines It's close in every way When the holes in the sky just multiply Oblivion days You're standing at the crossroads So far from hallowed ground Where the high road ends just around the bend In a flash of sight and sound There's a storm on the horizon It's coming here to stay It's a one-way ride through the silicon sky Oblivion days

A three-decker toadstool and sauerkraut sandwich, with arsenic sauce.

Sorry, but cats are pointless.

Q - Why are you dressed like a strawberry? A - The burning is a bit of a problem, yes.

♪ ♫ One of these things is not like the others... ♫ ♪

You go around bragging that "Mine is nine and three-quarters inches". New Topic: Spring is on the way! How will Foxbat be celebrating the change of seasons?

Why a latrine, Professor?

Sometimes I look at student work, and I can't help but ask myself, "Who tied this kid's shoes for school this morning?"

But only after exchanging vows.

There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium, And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium. There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. Isn't that interesting? I knew you would! I hope you're all taking notes, because there's gonna be a short quiz next period. There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium, And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium, And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium. And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium, Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium. There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium, And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium, And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium. These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard, And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered.

When I hear people saying 'YOLO', I usually start humming the theme to "You Only Live Twice". Nobody ever gets the joke.

I once read about a teacher who attached a Burger King job application to a student's exam. Definitely not professional, but tempting. I also saw a picture of a test where the student had answered a problem with #YOLO. The teacher responded with #minimumwage.

Better yet: Apparently, you can buy this from Amazon.

Yes, and yes. And it's two Things, actually.

"Power Girl In the Garden of Earthly Delights" by Hieronymus Bosch

That's kinda my thing.

Q - What's today's air quality rating look like? A - Two young children, each screaming louder than the other.