death tribble

You know you're a Bond villain when...

Our Shadowrun game, which just started. Duke is the human Arcane Investigator. Viking is a Troll Physical Adept. Ulvar is a dwarf street samurai. We are escorting a wageslave for extraction out of the building... our group is not very subtle, but we're trying... we had a plan this time!
 
Duke (arcane detective): Is this the same guard we bribed?
GM: He does not look like the same guy.
Duke: crud. I cast invisibility on myself and go around him to start picking the mag-lock.
Viking: "Hey bro, how's it going?"
Guard: "Okay. Why are you back here?"
Ulvar: "We're kind of lost. Where's the soycaf place?"
Guard: *points* Over there.
Ulvar: "Uh... can you show me where?"
Guard: *points* Right there.
Ulvar: "Yeah, I'm kind of bad with directions..."
Guard: *points* It's literally right there. You can see it from here.
Duke: Just knock him out or something. We are so bad at this.
Viking: Pulls his helmet, styled like one out of the trids, with spaces for his large horns, out of his coat and puts it on.
Guard: "What are you..."
*headbutt* *unconciousness*
Duke:  "..and there goes all of our chances at subtlety. The helmet? Really?"
Viking: "Hey, I really like this helmet. It looks cool."

In a home grown Fantasy game, we were a very unbalanced party of 5 magic users and one fighter played by my firend who was hired as my guy's bodyguard.
After convincing the fighter to touch a rune covered monolith and him transforming into a caribou I fired a force spell off which broke his hip so the monk (yeah, monks were magical) could catch him.  Note that the transformation ripped all his clothes off.  So, after dispelling the transformation and mostly healing up his broken hip my friend says "Wait, I wake naked, surrounded by mages, and my butt hurts?"  Our DM sprayed half the table with the soda he was drinking.
 
In a DnD game our party encounters a pitch-black portal which the elf wizard wants to go through.  My axe wielding monk (spent the feat) thinks this is a bad idea and convinces her to stick her staff through first.
DM tells her to make a magic save which she does successfully, only losing about 90% of her HP as her staff disintegrates.  Turning to the monk she asks "Other than that, what's the worst that could happen?"

The shadowrunners were an ork/troll group. Against stereotype, they specialized in stealth, subtlety, bluff, illusion, deception and misdirection.
 
Cast of characters: 
Dent: ork, rat shaman
No-Step: ork, snake shaman, healer
Byte Force: ork, decker, chemist
Eye Spy: ork, rigger, drones, paramedic
Audacity Jane: ork, combat, stealth, security systems
Happy Jack: troll, combat, disguise, negotiator
Universal Brotherhood ("UB"): a charitable fringe religious organization; secretly controlled by insect spirits
The Octagon: the UB's large, iconic chapterhouse in Seattle
 
Universal Brotherhood - What's worse than a real attack?
 
Eye Spy: "I wish we could just drop a bomb on the Octagon and be done with it."
Happy Jack: "Figuratively speaking, I'd like to do just that."
Audacity Jane: "I'm on board ... except for that figurative part."
 
Happy Jack: "The UB has to be expecting another attack. And Lone Star has to be expecting another attack on the UB too. Let's show them what they expect."
No-Step: "Make them overreact to a perceived threat? What does that get us?"
Audacity Jane: "A Lone Star SWAT team running headfirst into a pack of flesh form insect spirits...."
 
Byte Force: "Jane, do you think you could get onto the Octagon's roof and get something into their ventilation system intake?"
Audacity Jane: "Probably. What did you have in mind?"
Byte Force: "Mercaptans."
Eye Spy: "That sounds too large and aquatic to fit in a ventilation system."
Byte Force: "It's a gas. In low doses its non-toxic."
Audacity Jane: "You want to use a much larger dose."
Byte Force: "No. I'm going to use it to make them think there's a dangerous amount of a different gas in the building ... natural gas."
 
Happy Jack: "Jane, when you're putting the mercaptans in the vents, can you drop some noisemakers down in there too?"
Audacity Jane: "Sure."
Byte Force: "That's not going to start a fire. Mercaptans, by themselves, aren't flammable."
Happy Jack: "I'm not trying to start a fire. But when Lone Star and the fire department arrive on the scene, I want them to be convinced that somebody's shooting inside."
No-Step: "They're not going to go charging into an active shooter situation."
Happy Jack: "If they think there's an active shooter on site, they're not going to leave until they do a room-to-room sweep of the building. If there's a gas leak, the fire department's not going to leave until there's a room-to-room sweep of the building."
Dent: "You want them to find the hive."
Eye Spy: "Knowing our luck, they'll have enough clout to keep them from entering the building."
Happy Jack: "They may be able to hide the hive, but they won't be able to hide the cover-up."
 
Byte Force: "I'm going to monitor Lone Star and the fire department. If the UB manages to keep them out of their hive, they're going to have to pull some major strings."
Dent: "Thank you for telling us what we already know, Captain Obvious."
Byte Force: "And if we know who the UB has their hooks in, those may be their human form insect spirits."
Audacity Jane: "You're so sweet. You're getting me a hit list for my birthday."
 
When it was time to start the "incident" at the Octagon, Byte Force triggered a couple bursts of autofire and a few shotgun blasts, then followed it up by releasing one of the canisters of mercaptans.
 
Dent: "That was kind of pathetic for gunfire. Didn't Jane put a lot of noisemakers in the vents?"
Byte Force: "I'm saving most of them for later."
Audacity Jane: "What are you expecting later?"
Happy Jack: "A bigger audience."
 
Byte Force: "I have a cell phone line set up. It's going to track back to the Octagon."
Lone Star operator: "Lone Star emergency line. Please state the nature of your emergency."
Happy Jack: "Hello?" (muffled gunfire could be heard sporadically in the background) "Can you send some police?"
Lone Star operator: "What is your name and location?"
Happy Jack: "I'm Toby." (a young girl could be heard in the background) "I'm in the Octagon."
Lone Star operator: "What's happening, Toby?"
Happy Jack / Toby: "There's a bunch of shooting and people yelling." (pause) "And I heard some people scream, but that's stopped now."
Lone Star operator: "There's a report of a gas leak at the Octagon. Do you smell gas?"
Toby: "It smells funny, but not like somebody farted."
Lone Star operator: "..."
 
Happy Jack had "Toby" stay on the line for a dozen minutes or so until the cell phone's "battery died".
 
No-Step: "Is there any reason you dropped so many specific details?"
Happy Jack: "Lone Star is going to want to find Toby and his little sister. If they can't find him, they're going to want to search the room with the black and gold doors ... that's the Inner Chamber where the queens live."
Eye Spy: "How do you know that?"
Happy Jack: "In the background material that the investigative reporters put together. The one reporter described the doors when he raided the Octagon with some Shadowrunners."
Eye Spy: "You actually read the background material [the GM] gave us?"
 
The UB personnel were trying to keep Lone Star from entering the Octagon....
 
Eye Spy: "They're saying that the attackers already fled the building."
Byte Force triggered the noisemakers to fire a several more shotgun blasts and a few SMG bursts.
Eye Spy: "They now look like they just swallowed a shoe."
 
Later, the UB tried a new tactic. The team heard some additional gunshots (that they hadn't caused) followed by...
 
Eye Spy: "They're saying that the security guards killed all of the attackers ... and ... Drek! They're bringing out some dead bodies. Where did they get those?"
Audacity Jane: "That's brilliantly ruthless. They must have killed some of their own members to get the corpses."
Happy Jack: "That plays into our hands."
Dent: "How?"
Happy Jack: "Instead of appearing to be the sympathetic victims of outside persecution, they now look like they're killing themselves with internal strife."
Byte Force: "Let's see if we can inspire a repeat performance." (triggered more noisemaker shotgun blasts)
 
Finally, Galen Walker, a human form insect spirit and the nominal leader of the UB, put in an appearance....
 
No-Step: "He's staying next to the building, inside the magickal ward."
Dent: "He's worried about us sending more spirits to kill him."
Audacity Jane: "He's got the right idea, but he's worried about the wrong thing...."
Jane fired her sniper rifle, and Byte Force simultaneously triggered the remaining noisemakers. Therefore, the sounds of gunfire erupted from the Octagon almost at the same moment that Galen Walker's head blew open.
No-Step: "Congratulations Jane. I think that's going to be the most played video segment on national news this evening."
 
Byte Force: "I managed to unscramble the Lone Star transmissions. In one of the transmissions, the Lone Star chief is telling the SWAT captain on the scene that the crisis has been completely resolved ... several minutes before Jane turned Galen's brain into a fine red mist."
Happy Jack: "Let's sell both the encrypted and decrypted versions of that transmission to Ares Global Entertainment. After that, we can anonymously send them to the other networks and let them know that Ares already has them."
No-Step: "I'm sure you have some terribly clever reason for doing that, but would you care to explain it to the rest of us?"
Happy Jack: "Ares owns Knight Errant. Knight Errant competes with Lone Star for municipal police contracts. Therefore, Ares will pay good money to make Lone Star look incompetent."
Dent: "Why aren't we selling it to the rest of them?"
Happy Jack: "It's not worth as much. But by telling them Ares already has it, that means they'll broadcast quickly in order to scoop them."
Dent: "Can't we prove that Lone Star is being controlled by the UB?"
Happy Jack: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
Dent: "What?"
Happy Jack: "The radio transmission only proves the chief royally fragged up. It doesn't prove that he was influenced by the UB."
Eye Spy: "So he gets away with it."
Happy Jack: "Not exactly. His 'incompetence' could cost Lone Star hundreds of millions of nuyen. They won't be forgiving about that."
Eye Spy: "But he still gets away without people knowing what really happened."
Happy Jack: "It's the best way to guarantee he gets creamed. If he's accused of being corrupted by the UB, he can always defend himself by saying he made a mistake. If he's accused of incompetence, what's he going to do? Excuse his decision by claiming he was corrupt?"
 
Anonymous tip to the media: The attackers killed by the Universal Brotherhood security guards all appear to be Universal Brotherhood members. [attachment: Universal Brotherhood Seattle membership list] This violence bears a striking resemblance to the fighting between the Universal Brotherhood chapterhouses in Gilroy, CFS and San Martin, CFS, in which the San Martin chapterhouse was completely destroyed.
 
No-Step: "Did anyone actually prove that the violence in CFS was due to a conflict between the chapterhouses? I thought the dead reporters just speculated that was what happened."
Happy Jack: "You're worried about proof? I intend to make the UB waste resources keeping some hungry young reporters from digging through the evidence."
No-Step: "Don't you think the UB will just kill them too?"
Happy Jack: "If a bunch of hungry young reporters start dying while investigating the same story, that's going to look like a cover-up. The media loves to report on those."
 
Eye Spy: "Won't the UB eventually track these anonymous tips back to us?"
Byte Force: "I've been leaving some indications that Detective Bambra is the source. They won't even begin looking for us until they kill him."
Audacity Jane: "Aww ... you're actually making me start to like the scapegoat."

Supremo
 
From Brazil comes Supremo, master of Martial arts football ! (Soccer to the Yanks amongst us). See the masked footballer Supremo kick a football at people and take them out or take them down. Watch as he dives and weaves avoding return fire. Howl in dismay as he blatently dives so that his team mates can get a clear shot at you. Snarl in fury at his good looks that get the girls and the merchandise deals whilst still taking performance enhancing drugs. Be at least satisfied that no major club in the world will employ him due to his drug taking; or the bets he makes to fix games; or the fact that he is corrupting youth with his antics.

Shadowrun 2070A : Goth Rockers
The Shadowrun campaign in which Ripper associates with a geriatric misogynist elf, an Orc Santa, Shirley Temple, and a fox, continues (the other campaign in which he associates with rather more professional individuals missed a session) The scene opens in the graveyard where we wasted so much time last session. The GM has helpfully added a large encarmine fish to the map.

Dr. Rubicante: Th-that's a giant fish.
Ripper K: very *eats it*
Dr. Rubicante: That is literally a red herring, isn't it.
Ripper K: yup - lets make lutefisk
Dr. Rubicante: At least it's good for your heart.
GM: Yes. that is literally a Red Herring.
Dr. Rubicante: IS IT THE GRAVEYARD BOSSFIGHT
GM: YES. YOU FIGHT A GIANT VAMPIRE FISH AT THE END OF THE ADVENTURE
Dr. Rubicante: THIS IS THE SIXTH WEIRDEST THING I'VE DONE (Your mother is number one.)

So around to the home of one of the surviving members of JetBlack's band - one Marli. She lives as a recluse in an impressively gothic mansion.

Dr. Rubicante: I like this place. You don't really get architecture like this anymore.
Shirley Temple: If she has a butler called igor I vote we leave
Dr. Rubicante: Probably best we don't eat anything she offers.

It also has impressive Astral security, which doesn't help our case when we politely ask if we can come in and talk to her.

Intercom: ...Uh huh.. and I'm going to assume that the Watcher spirit you just sent to test my wards was a courtesy? Tell me exactly what you want, or Drek off.

Dr. Rubicante: Maybe we can leave Ryleigh there to guard the cars. He can be our eye in the sky too. What do you say, Fox?
Ryleigh: Do I look like I want to go in there? You'll probably get eaten by some paracritter. Have fun!
Dr. Rubicante: Y'all know that does look like it'd house a paracritter or two.

Inside, the house is just as haunted looking as on the outside. Ancient looking fireplaces, furniture that seems to be from the 18th century, cobwebs in the corners.. either this place was specifically modelled to look like this by someone with an amazing attention to detail, or this might just be the real damn thing. When we enter, we're greeted by a holographic projection. It's Marli, looking just as she did in her publicity photos 20 years ago. Ripper completely assumes this is the Real Marli and doesn't even realise it's a projection.

Dr. Rubicante bows his head graciously and enters the sitting room, giving it a look around. He traces a finger over a wooden armrest to see if it was dusty before taking a seat. He didn't want to get his suit dusty, after all.

Dr. Rubicante: Is there a rocking chair by a fireplace?
Ripper K: *whispers to the Doc* She's looking fabulous, isn't she?
Dr. Rubicante: Absolutely beautiful, despite her age.

Externalised Misogynist that he is, the Doc assumed Ripper was talking about the house.

Ripper explains how the team were hired to recover the disc, and our client claimed it was stolen, but given who had it, and what happened afterward, we're beginning to think we were lied to.

Marli: Shame what happened to K-Spot, really... We've been able to cure most cancers for years now, but.. he was just one of the unlucky ones.
Dr. Rubicante: K-Spot?
Ripper K: *winces sympathetically* I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm afraid that his son got into even worse trouble. Which is why we came to you - we need to know just how much trouble we're in for getting involved.
Marli: So Little Kerwin tried to sell it off on the black market? Why didn't he come to me? I would have helped him..
Ripper K: If we'd gotten to him sooner, ma'am, I'd have told him as much.
Marli: ...you mean..

Ripper K nods sadly, Marla sits, dejected, and stares at the floor for a few moments, seeming to collect herself. "The disk. you still have it?"

Ripper K: *nods* but we have to warn you - a dozen people have died over this already. Hundreds of thousands of nuyen changed hands. And the assassins didn't even try to negotiate first - they just came in shooting. But since it looks like JetBlack meant the disc to get to his old friends...
Marli: Can you play it for me, just for old time's sake?
Ripper K: That shouldn't be a problem, should it?
Marli: *smiles* Not from your commlink. Please. My studio is this way.

And then we get led to the basement.

Dr. Rubicante: La vie en rose, Inception style

Her studio is small, but exceptionally well equipped. The soundproof room has a production quality editing suite and a few comfortable chairs.

Dr. Rubicante: Anyone know how to use this stuff?
Shirley Temple: I can tell you how much it costs, sweetie, and what an input roughly looks like but that's about it

Marli: Oh my.. You don't have the encryption keys, do you..? a shame.. well.. let me see what I can do about it.
Ripper K: (holy sh*t! is there a paranoia skill i should be checking right now?)
GM: I know. Perhaps that should give you an idea of how much she knows about the disc?

Dozens of knobs and sliders across the editing board begin to move of their own accord. The low quality audio becomes clearer, though not perfectly so. you sense that she is a master at this. You can really feel the emotion in the music now. it's some truly beautiful Rock. Ripper K listens to the music and almost purrs

Dr. Rubicante: You know, I wasn't too keen on this band back in the 50s, but it's growing on me 20 years later.

Ripper K is hoping like hell Fox will give us warning if Marli's summoned a killteam

Marli: Ah yes.. I remember these sessions. Carrion Studios, right? These were not long before he died... I used to have the full recording myself, but it got lost in the second crash.. I always regretted not having backups.
Dr. Rubicante: You're telling me. I lost my third Harry Potter blog in that crash.

Marli: I assume you're Shadowrunners, then?
Dr. Rubicante: We were simply at the right place in the wrong time.
Ripper K: Given the amount of nuyen the other parties were throwing around, i'm starting to think we were the discount special. Oh right, that reminds me? Do you have any idea why the music was on an old format like this? It was sheer fluke the eldster here had some old tech that would run it.
Marli: It really depends on your.. employer. As for the disc, JetBlack always had a love for the little-used formats. Provided a little extra security. Do you know who hired you?
Dr. Rubicante: Can't say we do. We were told that he was a some sentimental sap and that's all we know. A lotta blood spilled over a little sentimentality, if'n you ask me.
Ripper K: The middleman did want to know who the thief was - but if there was no thief I don't know how to read that. Either the middleman had been lied to as well, or he was a very convincing liar himself, and was giving himself plausible deniabilty if Kerwin 'vanished' So you can see why we're concerned - this was supposed to be a straight-forward, low-risk recovery job
Marli: Hrm. I'm not sure how much danger you're in. And I'm not sure whether you'll be out of it even if you just give me the disk, or give it to your employer.
Ripper K: That's what we were afraid of. And if we don't get paid, we can't even afford to flee town.
Marli: Look.. I think I might.. might, mind you - Know someone who can help with this. If you leave me a number I can get in touch with you and you can lay low for a day or two, I'll see what I can do. I believe those recordings should be available to the world. JetBlack's been dead for twenty years, after all.. I don't think he'll mind much anymore.
Dr. Rubicante: The world could use some more good music. I'm tired of Dwarfstep and Orc rap.

OoC shenanigans while the players assemble for the second half of the session. Ripper films the elf showering, and sells footage to internet preverts.

Shirley Temple: but but.....we are internet perves
Ripper K: that'll be 20 bucks then
Shirley Temple: no comprenday americano
Ripper K: 50 nuyen then. Inflation.

Updating a player on events so far.

Ripper K: We went to see Marli, she eventually let us in, doesn't know how much trouble we're in, and claims she doesn't have decryption on the disc. We pretended we didn't either and that it was sheer fluke the geriatric elf has a disc reader so the club doesn't get any backlash
Dr. Rubicante: My attic is a trove of mysteries and sexual confusion.

Ripper K: It's certainly starting to look like we have to take the disc to the client. Anybody suggest how we can do that without another killteam shooting us all in the head? Somewhere nice and public, I suggest - with no long lines of sight mages or snipers can use and plenty of escape routes for us.
Dr. Rubicante: Mask! Mask everyday!
Ryleigh: How about a café vis-a-vis a Knight Errant HQ?
Ripper K: nice - unless, of course, the client just tells the cops we were involved in the explosion at the junkyard. Of course, we could always tape the hand-off, and incriminate him back... but frankly, i think our reputation is going to be f**ked anyway.

We get a call on the disposable phone. The voice on the line is deep. male. and Obviously Processed.

Voice: Good Evening. I have heard from a friend that you have an item that I may be interested in. I also am aware that you are currently under contract to give this item to someone else. Before you do that, I would like to provide a counter-offer. I am quite certain that I can provide a better offer for the item in question, and indeed, ensure your safety for returning it, if you will just agree to hear me out.

Ryleigh sends an text message to be displayed on the other's commlinks.

Ryleigh: If he takes care of the previous client, he can be our new client.
Ripper K: This sounds like a highly desirable offer, Mr Johnson - Naturally, given the incidental expences that the item has already incurred, such a counter offer will need to be commensurate, although the security bonus you mentioned will be taken into account.
Voice: I am willing to offer you Twenty-Four thousand Nuyen for the item. Plus our assurance that this matter will not impact future employment opportunities, and a guarantee of safety from repercussions of this particular deal.
I am aware that the item is indeed worth much, much more than that to the right buyers, but the price of safety in the 6th world is.. high.
Ripper K: A very generous offer, Mr Johnson - do you have a preferred locale for the hand-off? Or shall we arrange a suitably secure area ourselves?

Ryleigh sends another text message.

Ryleigh: It kind of sounds too good to be true...
Dr. Rubicante: Ask him for more. I need to repaint the porch or the home-owners committee will be on my ass.
Ripper K: *on text* nods - we may have to ensure a MAD policy, with back-up blackmail. *out loud* Shush, Dealer, the grown-ups are talking
Voice: We do indeed have a drop location. You will be met by another team who will handle the exchange, and provide protection if required. The address is as follows...
Ripper K: .... feeling of Doom rising...
Dr. Rubicante: I'm going to spend some gold to upgrade my security to "Luxury".

The new Mr Johnson wants to meet at the JetBlack memorial

Dr. Rubicante: Odin's glorious beard- that place again!
Ripper K: Welp... at least the gravestones will make for good cover. That custodian is going to be pissed though
Dr. Rubicante: I'm going to buy grenades. Lots of grenades.

Dr. Rubicante: Rigby? Grenades. No, no, I haven't gone senile yet. I want to know if you can get me flashbangs, smoke bombs or concussive grenades. I swear I'm not going to go on a warpath today.
GM: 'You need how many grenades? *tonight?

We meet at the cemetery in the small hours before dawn, with due caution. The other team, of some five people, is already there.

Ripper K: Evening. I sincerely hope you're the people I'm supposed to meet, because I don't want another night like the last one.
Other Team's Apparent Leader: Evening. My name's Risa. Apologies for the location. My employer thought it was appropriate, given the circumstances. Do you have the recording?
Ripper K: *nods* And we'll be glad to get it off our hands. This was NOT a satisfying job.
Dr. Rubicante: A whole lot of running around, dead ends and bullets fired. Not my idea of a good time. We'd very much like for this job to end.
Risa: Good. It needs to go back where it belongs. You see, I represent JetBlack’s interests. Those recordings were given to a friend of his before he died—he never meant for them to be available to the public.
Ripper K: Actually, that's the best news I've heard in days

Risa: If you’ve made any copies, you’ll destroy them. If they ever see the light of day, we’ll know where they came from, and believe me, you do not want the people I represent as your enemies. I apologise for the thinly veiled threat, but my employer wishes to make perfectly sure you are aware of the terms.

Ripper K reaches into his jacket for the disc.

Ripper K: Incidentally... I don't suppose you know why that other team turned up and just started killing people? Seems like a good way for the disc to be accidentally destroyed. In fact, it damn near was.
Dr. Rubicante: Didn't you say... that you represent Jet Black's interests? ...Is your employer Jet Black?

One of the NPCs fails a rather important composure check.

JetBlack: ..H..how? how could you possibly have..

Ripper K jaw drops when he recognises the voice. Other than his skin looking a lot paler, he hasn't changed at all in the last 20 years.

Ryleigh: Someone has skills other than entertainment, it would appear.
GM: Also, f**k you for making me make that composure check.
Shirley Temple: the entire situation screamed "NOT DEAD"
Dr. Rubicante: We're both fans of vocal processing, aren't we, Mr. Black? *taps his own flaming hologram skullmask for emphasis.* The way you spoke on the phone however... the cadence of your voice reminded me of the passion in your song.Well, that, and c'mon, we're meeting in your 'grave'. And the threats?
Ripper K: Ve- Dealer, please, shut up! We're very sorry we caused you all this trouble, sir. We honestly believed we were recovering stolen property.
Dr. Rubicante: Ripper, I very rarely get excited. We're in the presence of a celebrity. Allow me to have my moment of delight.

GM: Blip. Blip. Blipblipblip. The drone sensors light up.
Ryleigh: we have company?
Dr. Rubicante: Ah... of course.
Ryleigh: Contacts at 6 o'clock.
Dr. Rubicante: Mr. Black, it was lovely to meet you, but perhaps we should get to that escape you promised.

Dr. Rubicante practically cackles as he rotates his shoulders, his voice shuddering excitedly.

Dr. Rubicante: Oooh, a bad run! I agree with my large friend here... you lot should run. We'll cover your escape so you can pay us some other day.

But JetBlack and his team instead take up firing positions of their own. Ryleigh gets to work using his drones and Matrix skills to ID, tag, and confuse the hostiles.

Ripper K: flood their HUDs with 'win a free iPhone' ads

Ripper insists we shoot to wound.

Ripper K: Until they start shooting back in earnest, anyway.

Ryleigh sends everyone a updated map with enemy locations, as well as telling them 'pineapple' is the code word for the flashbang grenades his drones will be dropping.

Dr. Rubicante: Mmm. Pineapples. I could go for a piña colada after this, if only those still existed.

Hogfather is suddenly feeling really dumb, having climbed onto the church roof for overwatch over the meet ... and not having brought a rifle. Still, he's a very good shot with a sidearm.

Hogfather: Ah, F**k it. BANG
GM: Aiming for the obvious mage, as is standard practice.
Ripper K: *snickers* and we can thank the Fox for highlighting the mage with a big glowy arrow on the TacNet

Now we find out why Risa and JetBlack didn't leave. And why JetBlack still looks so young. They run past us at superhuman speed, towards the still-unsuspecting hostiles.

Dr. Rubicante: Ahh!! What's he doing there!? XD
GM: These two move BLISTERINGLY fast. faster than you can even see Auged.
Dr. Rubicante: THEY'RE VAMPIRES.
GM: NO SH*T
Ryleigh: aren't vampires supposed to sparkle?
Ripper K: f**k, I was f**king right about this graveyard!
Dr. Rubicante: TOO MUCH DARK SHADOWS, AHHHH.
Shirley Temple: the advantage of the virus, bloodly long lived
GM: Risa has her manhunter at the shaman's temple before he can even blink. POW
Ryleigh OoC: let's rename the campaign '50 shades of JetBlack'

Ripper is calling the number given to us by the original Johnson, just in case. After all, if he's with the other team, shooting him now will solve a lot of problems.

GM: though it IS ringing. are you sure you want to have a conversation in combat?
Ripper K: wasn't going to - was just going to let it ring
GM: "Do you have my disc?" "Oh yeah BANG BANG Sorry, Just kind of in the middle of somthing.. we've taken a better offer!"

Ripper's desire to reduce fatalities proves increasingly unachievable, especially after the Doc starts spell-slinging.

Dr. Rubicante: My bad. Magic is hard to control!
Ripper K: *wince* Well, our intentions were good. See you in hell.
Dr. Rubicante: If there's one thing I regret, it's not shacking up with Lofwyr.

The carnage continues as JetBlack's team makes short work of the hostiles.

Ripper K: *whispers to Vell and Shirley* Well, I'm glad we decided NOT to atack these guys...
Dr. Rubicante: No kidding.

Ryleigh: I could go for a slice of pineapple right about now!
Dr. Rubicante:* closes his eyes.*
Ripper K: I hope it doesn't set the vampires on fire or something

Dr. Rubicante: Rigger on Rigger action!

GM: "Fuck this shit!"
The enemy decker withdraws from combat. smart cookie. knows when he's outnumbered. and outmatched.
Dr. Rubicante: XD Shoot the running guy! HE HAS EXPENSIVE GEAR!!

GM: Err.. I mean.. Just the Street Samurai is left.
Shirley Temple: big slab of beef of very little brains?
Ripper K: I'm tempted to just go punch him out *bounces up and down* let me, go on, let me
Dr. Rubicante: Knock his block off, buddy.

Ripper K gets and starts strolling forward, visibly cracking my knuckles and peeling off his shirt

Dr. Rubicante: Ohhh!
GM: ...You were wearing a SHIRT?
Ripper K: it was a chilly night
Dr. Rubicante: XD For the express purpose of stripping?
Ripper K: *nipples go sproing* yup

Dr. Rubicante turns to face the back of the running rigger and points a finger at him.

Dr. Rubicante: Now we don't want anyone blabbing about Mr. Jet, do we? Stupefy!

Black Crusade - The Four of Excuteria, Reversed
Not the best session I've ever run. In fact, pretty dreadful - I've been too overworked, sleep-deprived, and ill to concentrate, and squandered the opportunity provided by the setting, and forgot to include half the stuff I wanted to.

Crash-landed on the sweltering jungle planet of Cauldron, with some 100 klicks to cover, on foot, to the Imperial encampment at Fort Night. Naturally, it'll take two week to get there.

Skerrit's reading of the cards conflicts with the bearings taken by the two tech-priests.

Archimedes: If we get him to do an augury, what's going to happen – he's going to admit he was wrong? I wouldn't.
Daniels: I see this will be a problem, later.

Of course, there's going to be the food and water problem too. At least they know enough not to drink straight from the many streams in the jungle, and boil it first in a convenient multipurpose container.

GM: The infantryman's helmet – shitting in it one day, eating from it later.

The fact that nobody bought a compass, or long distance radio, or survival kit, does cause some acrimony. Archimedes' minion at least HAD a helmet.

Daniels: Consider this a lesson in preparedness – only your minion was prepared. She deserves a raise.
Archimedes: Hey – I equipped her – therefore I was the prepared one.

Then they get attacked by a giant scuttling ambush predator. Not that they're overly worried - even this early in the campaign, merely mortal monsters aren't that much of a threat (something that is becoming a little frustrating to me as a GM). Plus, they can take it apart for useful bones, exoskeletal parts, meat...

Digna: We're calmly discussing the benefits of this thing attacking us as we level weapons.

The one that had circled around to attack the group from the other direction doesn't do any better. The group can now carry water in the beasts' remains.

Skerrit: Two bladders full.
Daniels: More – all those redundant organs.

Two tech-priests, one with a power axe and the other a servo-arm, makes sort work of most engineering problems enroute, too. A daughter cyclone spun off from the perpetual tempest over Cauldron's only ocean doesn't do more than force them to hole up for a few days, either. At least the remains of a Tallarn scout patrol gives them momentary pause, although the only body is the skeletal remains of one of the troopers, tied to a tree-trunk. Digna suspects Eldar activity - Chaotic troops would have used him in a ritual, and Orks just killed him.

Archimedes: Why would Eldar leave somebody tied to tree?
GM: Sadism.

It's true - the Dark Eldar have excellent theological reasons for being total pricks. It probably explains that missile that shot them down, too. Digna gets to work repairing the buggies, with enthusiasm.

Daniels: For her it was more of a religious-slash-sexual experience.
Digna: I neither conform nor deny.

Digna OoC: So, who has Operate: Surface Vehicle?
Eniek: Operate What?
Digna: Neither do I.
Eniek: This is what got us into trouble in the first place.

Shortly thereafter, they get attacked by pirahna bees.

Daniels: This planet has such potential.

But even Archimedes' bodyguard has subdermal armour, so they all close up their armour, wrap cloth around the bodyguard's head, and co-ordinate movement telepathically. I REALLY should have planned some bigger threats for this session. At least they have a radio now, and can get in contact with Fort Night, and the officer in charge - one Major Dennis Bloodnok.

Daniels: This is Lord-Captain Daniels of the Obsidian Resolve.
Bloodnok: What a memory you have!
Daniels: We were shot down by unknown forces.
Bloodnok: Why would you do a silly thing like that for?

At the camp, exhausted soldiers sit around playing cards or lie about in canvas baths trying to deal with the terrible heat. And the terrible explosions from the Major's quarters.

Bloodnok: Somebody open a window!

Bloodnok: Come in, join me in a chota peg... amasec? Wine? Sherry?.... you didn't bring *anything*?

Bloodnok has an impressive array of medals for someone so obviously incompetent.

Archimedes: I wonder how much he paid for those
Daniels: Girl scouts, ribbon tying...

Digna: The Major's condition – is it contagious?
Adjutant Sinjhiz Thing: Ah, no, he was invalided here after an artillery barrage on his position – A tea urn fell on his head.

Understandably, this whole experience has so irritated the heretics that they just want to leave - even if they fail to have all these soldiers moved to Sinophia, they don't much care anymore.

Bloodnok: Free feel to drop in any time... bring drinks.

Daniels: The gears of the bureaucracy are turning.
GM: They grind slow and exceeding small.
Daniels: But they're greased well.
GM: With the blood of Imperial citizens.

And the way Cauldron wrecks technology makes the presence of Imperial forces worse than useless.

Daniels: The only reason to place Imperial Troops here would be to benefit the orks if they every arrive.

The heretics avoid getting involved when the Dark Eldar slavers attack, despite the appeals of General Eidelberger. This will probably come back to bite them on the arse, later.

GM: Amazingly, Bloodnok survives
Digna: Typical.
GM: They found him under a table in the NAAFI.

GM: What are you spend your XP on?
Digna OoC: Charm. Now I must continue to interact with organic components, I must optimise my interface routines.

Shipping the survivors to Sinophia gives them an opportunity to divert the 'seriously wounded' off for human sacrifice and Warp-tainted experimentation.

GM: Most of the diseases are easy enough to treat. Take two of these and call a medic. Some of the Cauldron infections are more serious. If your knees turn green, take two of these and call a priest.

Daniels: We need to dedicate the binding chamber to Slaanesh.
Digna: Doable – we still have some Barry White records.

They have more livestock on board, too - the Tanabean Dragoons have there heavier mounts with them.

Digna: They're often referred to as pink fluffy unicorns – because the wool gets stained with the blood of their enemies.

At this point Eniek uses Fleshcrafting to 'improve' all the heretics. Slaanesh is so pleased with the extremes he goes to that he/she throws in a bunch of additional 'gifts' - hermaphroditism, in the case of Digna. Its true that tech-priest anatomy is rarely as symmetrical as the original biological template, but her single breast may raise some questions.

Eniek: It's more efficient – you can sling your weapon across your chest more easily.

Digna, on the grounds that he insisting all the troops get moved off Cauldron prevented further damage to sacred machinery, insists on getting full body conversion cybernetics from her colleagues in the Mechanicum. And after a staggering number of increasingly unliikely dice rolls, gets it.

Eniek: You beat with purchasing power everything I did with rituals!

GM: Will you get a pair of etheric beam locators?
Digna: Nah - I'll get one, so they'll balance out.

And while Digna adjusts to her new wholly artificial and superhuman body, and Eniek cleans up the remains of all those troopers used as spare parts in the fleshcrafting ritual, he gets a visitor - a daemonic presence possessing one of the husks. It can't pass the wards around the ritual site, but it seems rather determined to acquire that mirror shard they acquired earlier. After a few threats and promises from the daemon, Eniek recalls some of the rumours about Erasmus Haarlock, and tests his theory.

Eniek: The Traveller Returns
The Daemon of the Mirror: *froths into incandescent rage, the possessed blackly flaming corpse melting into a puddle of corruption*
Eniek: Hmm. Interesting.

Well, at least this is one possibly reason to hunt down those other fragments of mirror...
 

The shadowrunners were an ork/troll group. Against stereotype, they specialized in stealth, subtlety, bluff, illusion, deception and misdirection.
 
Cast of characters: 
Dent: ork, rat shaman
No-Step / Gomi No ShuShu: ork, snake shaman, healer
Byte Force: ork, decker, chemist
Eye Spy: ork, rigger, drones, paramedic
Audacity Jane: ork, combat, stealth, security systems
Happy Jack: troll, combat, disguise, negotiator
Universal Brotherhood ("UB"): a charitable fringe religious organization; secretly controlled by insect sprits
 
Universal Brotherhood - The Saga Continues
 
For their next attack, the team chose the Universal Brotherhood chapterhouse in Auburn, which was controlled by termite spirits.
 
Audacity Jane: "When we attack the Auburn chapterhouse, let's break into one of the top floors."
Eye Spy: "Why? Isn't the hive in the basement?"
Audacity Jane: "We can take the elevator straight to the basement ... and nobody will expect us to break into the third or fourth floor when everything important is in the basement."
No-Step: "There's a difference between 'nobody will expect it' and 'it's a good idea'."
 
Byte Force: "I don't want to use cell phone jammers for this attack. If UB security is smart, they'll be listening for those by now and use them to trigger alarms."
Audacity Jane: "That's going to put us on a really tight timetable. Lone Star has a much better response rate in Auburn than Redmond."
Byte Force: "Don't worry about that. I have another way to slow them down."
Eye Spy: "Any time one of you says 'don't worry about that,' you make the rest of us worry more."
Byte Force: "Lone Star is going to get bombarded with several 'officer down' and 'officer needs assistance' calls at the same time you enter the chapterhouse. I think those will take priority over any calls from the UB."
 
Audacity Jane: "I can override the elevator controls, so nobody can use it but us. But that won't stop the UB guards from coming down the stairs behind us."
Happy Jack: "That's easy. We can use a paint grenade to slow down the reinforcements."
Audacity Jane: "How is a paint grenade going to do that?"
Byte Force: "I've taken the paint out of several of them and replaced it with lubricant."
Dent: "Won't that make them get downstairs even faster?"
 
As the team battled the flesh form and true form termite spirits in the basement...
 
Dent: "This building can't be worth very much ... it's infested with termites."
 
After killing the queen, Jack put a few flesh forms into body bags and dragged them into the elevator. No-Step, on the other hand, hid a few noisemakers around the basement.
 
Dent: "Is that your idea of helping?"
No-Step: "If we fire these off after we take the elevator back to the third floor, the remaining guards will be too busy storming the basement to look for us there."
 
After the raid, the Universal Brotherhood was forced to perform more spin control. The team, on the other hand was perfectly willing to provide anonymous tips to investigative reporters.
 
Anonymous tip: The Universal Brotherhood blamed the first attack on a homeless, mentally disturbed troll. They're blaming the second attack on a hate group. However, the Universal Brotherhood's security guards at both chapterhouses were taken out by narcojet darts and neurostun gas. That seems rather sophisticated for a homeless troll, and it seems like a soft touch for a hate group.
 
Anonymous tip: Have you checked out the ammo that the Universal Brotherhood security guards use? Their machine pistols are loaded with armor piercing discarding sabot rounds. How does a non-profit charity group get the legal clearance to use those?
 
In order to get the megacorps in on the action, it was time to start selling flesh forms to the megacorps "procurement specialists."
 
Happy Jack: "No-Step, you get to adopt a new identity and sell the flesh forms to the corps."
No-Step: "Why am I getting this job?"
Happy Jack: "Most of the megacorps who deal in biotech are Japanese owned. Those guys are notoriously biased against metahumans. You can disguise yourself as an overweight human. I'm three meters tall. I can only disguise myself as another troll."
 
No-Step adopted the alternate identity of Gomi No ShuShu, human, American-born, of Japanese descent.
 
Gomi No ShuShu: (to a prospective client) "I understand you're generally in the market for biological samples. Would you be in the market for samples of a previously unknown paranormal animal?"
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "First, you would need to persuade me that you had discovered a paranormal species that we're not already in possession of."
Gomi No ShuShu: (showing the buyer a picture of the flesh form insect spirit) "This is what my associates killed. We believe that it's a paranormal species, rather than genetic engineered. However, I suspect you would be interested in it either way."
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "Does it have anything that would make it commercially valuable?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "Security applications. It was being used to guard the sensitive areas in a building."
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "What size sample did your people get?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "Two nearly-complete bodies. And they've been kept refrigerated."
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "Nearly complete?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "There's a few bullet holes in each."
 
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "I can't authorize a very large payment, since this could still turn out to be worthless."
Gomi No ShuShu: "My associates said they would accept a modest payment for these preliminary samples."
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "Preliminary samples...?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "They're confident that you'll want to purchase a live sample later, and they intend to charge a much higher price for that."
Yamametsu procurement specialist: "They have a live sample?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "They know where to get one."
 
Afterwards...
 
Happy Jack: "Good work No-Step. Now you just need to sell some to MCT, Renraku and Shiawase." (long pause) "And you also need to sell the mostly-human flesh forms to Saeder Krupp."
No-Step: "Nobody is going to think that the mostly-human ones are paranormal animals."
Happy Jack: "Of course not. That's why you're selling them as examples of a new form of bioware."
Dent: "That's risky. Ripping off Saeder Krupp is a good way to get on Lofwyr's bad side."
Happy Jack: "Lofwyr's been around at least since the 4th Age. I'm going to bet he knows exactly what a flesh form is. This is my way of sending him a message."
Dent: "If he ever sees it."
Happy Jack: "Lofwyr's the micromanager from hell. He'll find out about it."
 
Unsurprisingly, a couple weeks after Saeder Krupp bought the specimens (for 5,000 nuyen apiece), No-Step / Gomi No ShuShu received a voice mail from a Saeder Krupp fixer. Byte Force set up an untraceable call.
 
Han Brackhaus of Saeder Krupp: "I am willing to pay 10,000 nuyen to learn where you acquired the specimens you sold us."
Gomi No ShuShu: "Let me discuss your offer with my associate."
No-Step put Brackhaus on hold and had a quick discussion with Happy Jack.
Gomi No ShuShu: "My associate tells me that if all you want is the location of those three specimens, he will provide it for free ... and he will refund 10,000 nuyen of the 15,000 nuyen deposit you paid me."
Hans Brackhaus: "That's a ... surprising offer."
Gomi No ShuShu: "However, if you want to know every location where he personally  encountered 'specimens' like that, he will keep the deposit and require an additional 35,000 nuyen. If you want you want his list of suspected locations, it will cost 250,000."
Hans Brackhaus: "Why would I consider paying that much for suspected locations?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "Based on his sampling, he says that he's 95% confident that over 50% of them have specimens at that location."
Hans Brackhaus: "That's still a large amount of money for 'suspected' locations."
Gomi No ShuShu: "It's a large number of suspected locations."
Hans Brackhaus: (long pause) "How large?"
Gomi No ShuShu: "A three digit number."
Hans Brackhaus: "I ... I'll need to get back in touch."

Puppy isn't sure about this hugging stuff
 

 
And kitty is certain he doesn't like it.
 

HE'S CLEANING HIS LITTLE PAWS!

 
 
He looks like a powder puff.
*sigh* I need to watch Mark Anthony and the Kitten again.

More Mongols because.
 

There seems to be a competition to see which government can be the most barbaric.
 
https://newmatilda.com/2015/04/30/wa-government-deregisters-worlds-oldest-collection-rock-art-sacred-site

Seasonal golf joke.
 
Foursome of friends out on the links. Unfortunately, one of them is (1) a bad golfer, (2) a bad sport, and (3) has an uncontrollable and loud "potty mouth".
 
On one hole, he plunks his drive into a fairway bunker. "<Combination scatological blasphemous reference involving sexual perversions and multiple layers of obscenity>, I missed!" he screams, and storms down the fairway.
 
His next shot, he manages a neat iron shot that picks the ball out of the bunker successfully, but on the other end it plops into the creek near the green. "<Combination scatological blasphemous reference involving sexual perversions and multiple layers of obscenity>, I missed!" he screams again, even louder.
 
With a drop and an easy chip, he gets onto the green and has a fifteen-foot putt remaining. His attempt at the putt lips off the rim of the cup. "<Combination scatological blasphemous reference involving sexual perversions and multiple layers of obscenity>, I missed!" he screams, louder than ever.
 
Out of the clear blue sky comes a bolt of lightning that strikes another member of the foursome, vaporizing that golfer and leaving nothing but smoking golf spikes.
 
From the sky booms a deep voice: "<COMBINATION SCATOLOGICAL BLASPHEMOUS REFERENCE INVOLVING SEXUAL PERVERSIONS AND MULTIPLE LAYERS OF OBSCENITY>, I MISSED!"

"That time Picard had a needle, but no thread, so he couldn't make it sew." - Wil Wheaton
 
https://twitter.com/wilw/status/592717574800056322

Related:
 

 
"Well, I guess you need classical training for a line like that."