Jokes

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

HOW TO START A FIGHT

 

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

And then the fight started...

________________________________

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

 

I said, "Dust."

 

And then the fight started...

________________________________

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

And then the fight started...

______________________________

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

 

And then the fight started...

________________________________

 

I rear-ended a car this morning... the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

 

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

 

That's how the fight started.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

 

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

 

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

 

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

 

Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Our Government at work!

 

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, announced that it is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

 

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

I dropped my laptop in the ocean. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

I dropped my laptop in the ocean. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.

Sure it wasn't a HP

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

Meanwhile' date=' the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.[/quote']

 

I must say, while the statements were amusing, the Park Service is part of the Department of the Interior. That's right, the Department of the Interior is responsible for the great outdoors.

My father was a park ranger.

And a aerospace engineer.

And in the Air Farce.

No, not all at the same time.

 

So, Yellowstone National Park joke:

How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear?

 

Climb a tree.

If it climbs the tree to get you, it's a brown bear.

If it knocks the tree down to get you, it's a grizzly.

 

----------

 

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:

 

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.

We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Shadow Hawk again.

 

Somebody get this guy for me, huh?

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Somebody get this guy for me' date=' huh?[/quote']

 

Done and done.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Judge: "You have been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

Man in back row: "You jerk!"

 

Judge: "You have been charged with also beating your mother-in-law with a hammer."

 

Man: "Jerk!"

 

Judge: "That's enough out of you, back there. One more outburst and I'll hold you in contempt!"

 

 

Man: "I've been that man's neighbor for 20 years, and every time I wanted to borrow a hammer, he told me he didn't have one!"

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Titanic + Sixth Sense = "Icy Dead People"

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Titanic + Sixth Sense = "Icy Dead People"

Need to spread rep.

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Titanic + Sixth Sense = "Icy Dead People"

 

You do know you now have a civic responsibility to cross-post this in the Genre Crossovers thread, don't you?

 

Repped when possible. Try being mediocre for a while so we can catch up, huh?

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Only half-joking?

 

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

 

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Two facts most people don't seem to know about that hot coffee incident:

 

1) The coffee served by McDonalds (in that area, at least) at that time was 40 degrees F hotter than standard - Enough to cause severe burns within seconds, rather than merely being painful.

2) The McDonalds lawyers were insufferably rude.

 

Common Sense is all well and good, but Facts are better.

[McCoy]

Re: Jokes

 

Two facts most people don't seem to know about that hot coffee incident:

 

1) The coffee served by McDonalds (in that area, at least) at that time was 40 degrees F hotter than standard - Enough to cause severe burns within seconds, rather than merely being painful.

2) The McDonalds lawyers were insufferably rude.

 

Common Sense is all well and good, but Facts are better.

3) The woman maimed by the hot coffee (her burns required surgery) got a fraction of the awarded settlement, the exact amount is the subject of a non-disclosure agreement.

[Ockham's Spoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A man walks into an ice cream shop.

 

"Give me a double dip chocolate ice cream cone." he says.

 

The shop owner tells him "I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate."

 

"Okay, then just give me a single scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cone." he responds.

 

The shop owner tells him "Sir, we don't have any chocolate ice cream at all."

 

"Oh, all right. Then give me some chocolate ice cream in a cup."

 

The owner says "Do you see the 'straw' in strawberry ice cream?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you see the 'van' in the vanilla ice cream?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you see the 'frick' in the chocolate ice cream?"

 

"There is no 'frick' in chocolate ice cream!"

 

"That's what I have been trying to tell you!"

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Personally, I'd write to Playboy.

 

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off

an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

 

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in

the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many

products the company produced:

soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

 

"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

 

"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"

======

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

Police now suspect foul play in the recent demise of Common Sense. The coroner's report suggests he died of poison, slowly administered over a long time.

 

Police are looking for suspects matching the following descriptions:

 

People who start rumors by distorting facts, such as by describing second degree burns requiring skin grafts and extensive medical treatment as if someone had merely experienced a momentary discomfort

 

People who spread such rumors without investigating the facts

 

Lucius Alexander

 

In lieu of common sense, I have a palindromedary. Which is closer than what most people seem to be using.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

A friend of mine had been drinkning a lot of break fluid. I was worried that he might get addicted, but he told me he could stop at any time.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

My son wanted a spider for his birthday. I went to the pet store, but they were $50! Forget that. I knew I could get one cheaper on the web.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

I'm starting a new job in Seoul next week. It seemed like a good Korea move.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid; then I was petrified.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Police have been hunting the "knitting needle nutter," who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.