mattingly Posted October 8, 2012 Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Re: Jokes Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen.” Husband texts back: “Pour some luke warm water over it." Wife texts back: “Computer completely buggered now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Re: Jokes Husband texts back: "Still works better than Apple Maps." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted October 30, 2012 Report Share Posted October 30, 2012 Re: Jokes A gynecologist decided the he hated his job. So he went to the local community college and signed up for a auto repair class. When he got the resaults for the final exam he saw that he had gotten 150%. so he called the teacher to see if there was some kind of mistake. The teacher said "Taking the engine apart was 50% of the grade and you did it perfactly. Putting the engine back togethor was 50% of the grade and you did it perfectly. I gave you extra credit because... you did it all through the tailpipe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted November 2, 2012 Report Share Posted November 2, 2012 Re: Jokes I bought the 4 disk collectors edition of 'Prometheus' the other day. It includes a 3D Blu-Ray, a DVD, a Digital Copy, and something called "UV Ultra Violet - Your Movies in the Cloud". So far, I've shied away from anything "Cloud", like Cloud Storage. It just seems a bit too ... Nimbulous to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aylwin13 Posted November 3, 2012 Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 Re: Jokes There is this magician on a cruise ship, and every night he performs a show. After a couple of nights, the captain's parrot, who is always in attendance, has caught on to many of the tricks. He then begins to heckle the magician during the show by yelling out what's really going on. "It's in his sleeve, it's under his hat, his assistant has it." Well one night during the show, the ship hits an iceberg, and the only two survivors are the magician and the parrot, and both of them end up on the same piece of drift wood. For days they do nothing but eye each other angrily without speaking. Until one day the parrot looks at the magician and says "Okay, I give... where's the boat?" - As told by John Fox on the Bob and Tom Show Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 Re: Jokes A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 Re: Jokes Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 Re: Jokes A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 Re: Jokes After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 Re: Jokes Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide and seek. I’ll be it.” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting, “One . . . two . . . three . . . .” Pascal takes off to find a place to hide. Newton, on the other hand, takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 100 cm x 100 cm square on the ground. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not, here I come!” Einstein immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him and says, “I found you, Newton!” Newton replies, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 Re: Jokes Q: What do you call a tooth suspended in 1.00 L of water? A: A one molar solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 Re: Jokes Don't make me close this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted November 17, 2012 Report Share Posted November 17, 2012 Re: Jokes A guy was concerned about his wife’s emotional swings, sohe bought her a mood ring. When she was in a good mood, it glowed green. When she was in a bad mood... It left a big red lump in the middle of his forehead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvilDrPuma Posted November 18, 2012 Report Share Posted November 18, 2012 Re: Jokes A local orchestra leader was struck by lightning. They say he would have been killed if he weren't such a poor conductor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted November 18, 2012 Report Share Posted November 18, 2012 Re: Jokes Q - What's the best thing to do with dead chemists? A - Barium. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted December 15, 2012 Report Share Posted December 15, 2012 Re: Jokes One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person. The bartender replied that if you go into the closet there is a genie that will grant one wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said their was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks, but instead, got 1,000,000 ducks. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I asked your f###ing genie for 1,000,000 bucks but i got 1,000,000 ducks. "No duh", replied the bartender, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted December 15, 2012 Report Share Posted December 15, 2012 Re: Jokes Here is the complete joke that K was telling J in the beginning of the movie Men in Black Be aware it is dirty. So a man and a woman decided to take in a movie one night, and it just so happens that on that same night a farmer has decided to sneak in one of his roosters (or cocks) from his farm. After getting their snacks the couple head into the darkened auditorium, which is nearly full there are only two seats left, and they happen to be next to the farmer and the rooster which he has concealed in his pants. Midway through the movie he rooster pokes his head out of the farmer's zipper and begins to peck and eat the woman's popcorn. She notices and nudges her husband, "Honey, look what this guy's cock is doing!" Her husband replies, "Ah, don't pay it no mind, if you've seen one you've seen 'em all!" So she looks over at her husband and says, " Yeah, but Honey, this one's eating my popcorn!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 15, 2012 Report Share Posted December 15, 2012 Re: Jokes If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, does it not follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged , models deposed, or dry cleaners depressed? Even more, bed makers could be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, software engineers detested, underwear manufacturers debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a different note though, perhaps we can hope that some politicians will be devoted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyper-Man Posted December 16, 2012 Report Share Posted December 16, 2012 Re: Jokes Don't make me close this thread. Look, it's an immoderate moderator! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted December 16, 2012 Report Share Posted December 16, 2012 Re: Jokes musical composers will eventually decompose. And on that note.... When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted December 16, 2012 Report Share Posted December 16, 2012 Re: Jokes Arnold Schwarzennegger agreed to play one of the great composers in a new biography. "I'll be Bach." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted December 16, 2012 Report Share Posted December 16, 2012 Re: Jokes Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, "BACH, BACH, BACH..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted December 17, 2012 Report Share Posted December 17, 2012 Re: Jokes Just wanted you to know my TRAVEL plans for this coming year-- I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyper-Man Posted December 17, 2012 Report Share Posted December 17, 2012 Re: Jokes Soon you may be in Ept. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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