Rails

From our old friend Bunneh:
 
A young Irish girl ran away from home. Some years later she returned and threw herself at her father's feet. "Forgive me, da', for I've brought shame to the family name. To survive, I became a prostitute!"
 
"You're no child o' mine!" the father angrily shouts.
 
"But da', I became very good at what I did, and I saved all me money to bring home to you. Look, I've brought you 10,000 pounds!"
 
Father stares at the money and, amazed, asks "What did you say you became?"
 
"A prostitute," the girl answers tearfully.
 
"Oh, come into my arms my darling girl! For a minute there, I thought you'd said 'Protestant'!"

What's wrong with a good warthog?
 

An oldie, but a goodie... and sadly more appropriate than ever.
 
Air Force One has a mechanical problem and crashes in a remote field.  By the time the first responders arrive, they discover that the farmer who owns the field has already buried everybody.
 
"They were all dead?" asks one of the firemen.
 
"Ayup," says the farmer.
 
"Even the president?"
 
The farmer strokes his chin.  "Well, he kept saying he was still alive... but you know what a liar he is..."

*Red Glare*

I hear you have the neighbour's baby as well and think in the future they should get married. It's a... 
...rock it ship.

Q: How do you get a baby to sleep on a spaceship?
 
 
 

From last night's FH game. The players are laying low for the day, keeping a low profile before planned nighttime shenanigans.
 
Barbarian: "I'm going to the library to continue my research*."
Ranger: "I thought we were laying low?"
Barbarian: "...It's the library."
Knight: "I wouldn't think to look for her there."
Ranger: "Good point."
 
* It's a running gag that the barbarian is far smarter than she lets on.
 
 
Another running gag is that the Barbarian and the Priest have this odd will-they-won't-they quasi-romance thing going on. At one point the players are talking about an incident a few sessions back when they got captured and tortured.
 
Barbarian: "That was so awesome! The torture wasn't even that bad."
[blank stares]
Barbarian: "I'm not saying I'm into being tortured..."
Priest: [grabs pen & paper] "Just making a few notes for later."
 
 
The Priest always jokes that he doesn't need to carry a weapon because "I have a Barbarian."
GM: "You have all been summoned to appear before the Grand Prince. As before, you have to leave your weapons outside."
Priest: [jerks a thumb at the Barbarian] "So you want her to stay out here?"
 
 
One of the PCs is Welsh:
Barbarian: "I don't know how they do things back in Welshland..."
Welshman: "Welshland?!?!"
Barbarian: "Whatever..."
A few minutes later...
Priest: "He's from some place called Welshlandia."
Welshman: "[sigh]"

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
 
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
 
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
 
The robot slaps the son.
 
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
 
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
 
Son says, "Toy Story."
 
The robot slaps the son.
 
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching a dirty movie."
 
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."
 
The robot slaps the father.
 
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
 
The robot slaps the mother.
 
Anyway, robot for sale.

If you're not on Captain America's side...you're probably on the wrong side.

It gets worse. If you try to gather too many crows into one place you might be charged with attempted murder.

His mate.  He's hen-pecked.  :-)

Best part of last nights episode.  The Lego Batman Preview.
 
"Who spells woman with a K?"

Oh, man.  If the Cardinals play Toronto this year, StL should pull out some blue unis.  :-)

Heard this one recently, might apply to other states but it did make me laugh....
 
 
MOTHER NATURE: "You cannot have all four seasons in a single week!"
 
THE STATE OF OHIO: "Hold my beer..."

Sure is a shame when people throw away a perfectly good Supergirl like that.

But is it more than she can Handel?

So Trump issued a gag order of the National Parks Service and USDA to not use Twitter, contact the press, or communicate to the public. 
Badlands National Parks Service spent the rest of the day tweeting Climate Change Data - until it was shut down. And then the scientists tweeted on personal accounts.
 
 
Today it seems that both departments have said that they won't be withholding information from the public (as far as I've read)
Long story short so to speak.
 
 
Mostly I mention it for this cartoon.
If this breaks discussion rules I'll delete it.
 
 
 

When a noted cardiologist died, the hospital threw him a lavish funeral. Behind the casket at the funeral was a huge heart covered in roses. When the ceremony was over, the heart opened right down the middle. The casket rolled inside, and the heart closed, sealing the doctor inside.
 
When this happened, one of the mourners broke out in hysterical, uncontrolled laughter. He laughed out loud for several minutes while the other people at the funeral watched uncomfortably. After a while, he regained his composure enough to speak.
 
"I'm sorry," he explained, "but I was just thinking ahead to my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."
 
That's when the proctologist fainted.

One quote from the beginning that I forgot:
 
Circe:  (reading a news article about PRIMUS honoring the hero team for their hard work over the past year)  Why are they giving us an award?  Do they hate us?
 
(Player paranoia is a funny thing.  Thus far in this campaign, I don't think I've had a villain team attack the team once during an awards ceremony in their honor, and they've had several.  One heroine was even knighted by a foreign government for nearly sacrificing her life stopping a nuke from hitting their capital.  Nobody attacked or disrupted the ceremony.  I guess the takeaway is, players are never happy.)
 
On with the show.  Red shows the heroes some pictures of the people who have been flying around in the jet, from security cameras at each airport.
 
GM:  ...one guy looks young and is completely bald; one is big and bulky, with wavy black hair and a pornstache...
Maker:  Did you say 'pornstache'? 
 
Shadowboxer makes an intuitive leap.
 
Shadowboxer:  When was the jet in Montreal?
Red:  December 11.  Left the 18th.
Shadowboxer:  Was that the same time as the attack on the Mechanon base in Canada?
GM:  Maaaaaybe.
 
Looking at the notes Red found in the jet, Maker realizes that someone is modifying the same gravity lens idea that she investigated at the Mechanon base.  Which makes it very likely the people Red is trying to catch up with are the Heavy Metals. 
 
GM:  To clarify, don't confuse the Heavy Metals with Road Kill, whose lead singer is named Heavy Metal. They Heavy Metals aren't a band.
Honey Badger:  And yet, I'll bet they still sing better than Road Kill.
 
UNTIL lets the heroes know that the main thing taken from the Mechanon base is one of his repair/rebuild units.  Also that a quantity of adamantium was stolen for a metallurgy lab at Millennium City University, and the guts from an old Mechanon shell at the MC Science Museum.
 
Malarky:  So, they're going to build their own Mechanon?
Lt. Roe:  Rhodium's not stupid enough to do something like that.  Thus far, they've been pretty smart and careful.
Shadowboxer:  They'll at least make sure it has a switch, for Good and Evil. 
Lt. Roe:  Besides, they don't have access to the kind of resources Mechanon has.  We think they've already built a robot, a scaled-down version of Mechanon.  Probably programmed to be loyal to them.
Pops:  (heavy sarcasm)  Perfectly safe, I'm sure.  I don't see any way that can go wrong.
 
The heroes contact the PRIMUS base as well as UNTIL to warn both organizations.
 
Honey Badger: (to Red) I'll bet you don't want to meet the Colonel...
Red:  Why would you say that?  I've heard that Col. Hardin is a consummate professional, and I look forward to working with him.
Honey Badger:  ...
Maker:  Remember, dear.  Red doesn't have a sense of humor.  At all.
 
Meanwhile, the company Malarky works at in his secret ID is EcoOp (a clean energy, environmentally friendly company), and his work computer (specially tricked out with its own firewall and anti-hacking stuff) sends him a text that someone is trying to hack in.  Backtracking the hack, he discovers that the hacker spent most of his/her time looking at info on EcoOp's solar cells, and then started nosing around into other stuff before running into Malarky's enhanced security.
GM:  As you're tracing what the hacker did, you notice that someone just placed a relatively large order for the exact solar cells the hacker was looking at.  Are you going to interfere with it in any way?
Malarky:  Nope.  Let the sale go through.  It's more money for the people who pay my salary.  Who's paying for it, and where's it being shipped?
GM:  The order came from Montgomery International, and it's to be next-day shipped to an address in Chelsea.
Pops:  Next day delivery?  Who is this, Amazon?
 
They check out the delivery address, with is a disused warehouse.
 
GM:  There's a new looking sign out front:  Monty Haul Cartage.  "Transporting your Treasures Securely."
 
Inside, they find three hired guns (a female bodybuilder, an ex-con, and a former military guy).  Also a parked, empty refrigerated truck.  Circe reads the bodybuilder's mind. 
 
GM:  She was hired to guard the warehouse and receive a shipment.  When it arrives, they're to load it into the truck, sweep for bugs, make a call, and then leave.  They're not supposed to look into the boxes, but she's planning to.  Doesn't want to find out she signed for drugs or a dead body.'
Circe:  Why a refrigerated truck?
Honey Badger:  Camouflage.
GM:  Yep.  Everyone uses plain old panel trucks.  They're instantly suspicious.
 
Malarky:  Why did they come to Boston?  They could have ordered the solar cells and had them shipped anywhere.  What else do they need for that gravity lens idea?
GM:  Framework, electronics, the gravity manipulators...
Malarky:  The gravity manipulators - anyone in town make those?
GM:  As a matter of fact, Dyna-Tech, the company who did most of the parts for the new UNTIL Grav-SLeds, has a small factory on the west side of Boston.
Circe:  So they're probably going to break into Dyna-Tech while we're waiting across town for the shipment to arrive.
Red:  Why do that before they have the solar cells?  Why not just wait for the shipment, and then hit Dyna-Tech.  After all, a bird in the hand... damn it, now I'm doing it.
The shipment is delivered, loaded into the truck, call made, and the guards take off.  Malarky teleports into the refrigerated truck, tags a crate with a magical beacon, and teleports back out.
 
Circe:  When are they going to get here? 
Honey Badger:  Why would they all show up, just to drive a truck away?
Circe:  I don't want all of them.  Just two or three, so we can whittle down their numbers.
GM:  After an hour or so, nobody has showed up.  It appears they didn't read the script.
 
Malarky:  Maybe nobody's going to drive it off.  Maybe they'll just teleport in, and then teleport away with the goods.
GM:  Funny you should mention that.  Your magical beacon is suddenly sending a signal from somewhere other than the warehouse.
Malarky:  I hate it when the bad guys get smart.
 
They track it to another refrigerated truck, in Roxbury (several klicks away).
 
GM:  It's heading in the general direction of the airport, but not directly.  It's taking a circuitous route.
Shadowboxer:  Maybe the guy that hired the driver said, "For an extra hundred bucks, can you hit all the Pokemon Go stops in town?
Malarky:  I want a Pikachu!
 
The heroes / players don't know it, but one of the Heavy Metals spotted them tailing the truck.  Thinking they might lure the heroes out of town, Rhodium sends the pilot out to the plane after the solar cells are loaded up, with orders to take off and fly elsewhere.  But the heroes have other ideas.
Malarky:  I'm not so worried about the solar cells.  But it looks like they're drugging the pilot to get her cooperation.  So after she closes up the jet, Pops can teleport in and teleport her to the PRIMUS base for safekeeping.
Red:  Want me to stay with her at the PRIMUS base?
Malarky:  No, I think we'll need your help against the Heavy Metals.  We don't have a lot of front-line fighters.  Just Honey Badger and Shadowboxer.  The rest of us are more like support.
Pops:  Wait, I thought he was the guest star in our comic book.  Are we actually the guest stars in his comic book?
 
Shadowboxer:  How big is the Dyna-Tech factory?  Pretty big?
GM:  Well, it's not too big.  It's big enough to, say, fit on a standard battle map at a scale of one hex = 2 meters.
 
So the heroes are keeping a close eye on the Dyna-Tech facility and gearing up to take on the Heavy Metals and their Mechanon Junior, with the aid of Rhode Island Red, an UNTIL strike force, a Silver Avenger, and a PRIMUS assault team.  Plus, Dyna-Tech has four guards in sets of TURTLE Armor.  Should be a cake walk for the good guys, right? 
 
Of course, villains have Hunteds too.  Especially those who dare to steal from Mechanon, trash a base of his, and build their own lackey in his image.  Heh, heh, heh.

Continuing the events of Metal Mayhem (part 1):
 
Shadowboxer (driving a cab in secret ID) discovers he's being followed by a guy who keeps checking an old military compass clipped to his motorcycle handlebars.  Through trial and error, he and Malarky discover that the compass is magically detecting the mind link the team uses constantly (even in secret ID).  Checking the guy while he's sleeping, Malarky discovers that the guy has both a divination and an evocation spell on him.  Specifically, one spell to detect telepathic contact, and another to trigger hellfire.
 
Circe:  What you're saying is, if I try to tromp through his noggin, his head will explode.
GM:  It's just a hypothesis Malarky came up with.  You'd better test it.  Y'know, for science.  (evil grin)
 
The team's PR guy, T.J. O'Roarke contacts Nexus.  (And special mad props to death tribble for creating the idea of Rhode Island Red.)
 
T.J.:  There's a superhero from Rhode Island who's checking in with you guys.  Normally, I'd call Honey Badger in to talk to him, but in this case I don't think it's a wise idea.
Nexus:  Why not?  Who is this guy?
T.J.:  He's called Red.  Specifically, Rhode Island Red.
Pops:  Rhode Island Red?!  What is he, a giant chicken?
GM:  (shows players a picture of the character, who is indeed a chicken-man)
Pops:  Yeah, best not call Honey Badger.  He'll show up with barbecue sauce.
T.J.:  It's generally bad PR when one hero eats another hero for lunch.
 
GM reads the bit from death tribble describing Red.
 
GM:  (dramatic voice)  Who will Cry Fowl and stand firm against injustice?  In a world of danger you need someone who will not chicken out.  When others have flown the coop he remains steadfast.  The Battling Bantam, the Resourceful Rooster, the Courageous Cockerel, behold!  Rhode Island Red!  (pause)  I have to admit, I didn't write that, or come up with the character idea.
Maker:  You just loved the puns too much.
GM:  Yep!
 
Pops:  He's probably into cockfighting.
GM:  He does practice Kung Fu.  Well, a variation.  He calls it Cock Fu.
Nexus:  No.  You didn't just go there.
GM:  I did.
 
Red:  (while tilting his head and bobbing it back and forth repeatedly)  I'm investigating the kidnapping AWK! of pilot Lauren Hamilton and the theft of a Bombardier Global 6000 jet from Pegasus Air in Providence on December 1st.  Since then, I've tracked it to Millennium City, Montreal, Chicago, AWK!  back to Millennium City, and now to Boston...
Nexus:  Is he really doing that?  The squawking and head thing?
GM:  Yes, he is.  Kinda has to.  It's not a costume.  He's a man-chicken.
Pops:  You need to stand up and do the wings too.  Get the full effect.
 
Nexus:  (OOC) Does he lay giant eggs?
GM:  (sarcastic)  Yeah, giant rooster eggs.
Malarky:  He's a rooster, not a hen.
Nexus:  Oh.  Yeah.  Right.  Never mind.
 
Red:  This is the first time I've actually caught up to the jet.  I found some papers when I snuck in last night...
Nexus:  Wait, you snuck into the jet?  How?
Red:  (mildly offended)  I have skills.  I am a private eye.
Nexus:  I just thought you'd kinda stand out.
Red:  I did it early in the morning when nobody was around.  (pause)  I always get up early.
 
It should be noted that the chicken puns ("winging it", "ran afowl", etc.) were flying fast and furious all night. 
 
Malarky:  (makes EGO roll by a lot)  It should be noted that Malarky, master of tomfoolery and pranks, is keeping a totally straight face and not cracking any jokes at all.
 
The papers have doodles of circuit diagrams and equations. 
Nexus:  We'll want to show these to Maker.  She's our tech guru.
Honey Badger:  (OOC)  Will you be able to read that chickenscratch?
Maker:  (to HB)  Are you through yet?
Honey Badger:  (grin)  Nope.  I got a million of 'em.  I can do this all night.
 
Red explains that the people who hired the plane and pilot, and then absconded with them, are likely drugging the pilot to make her cooperate.
Malarky:  That's kind of a chickenshit move.
GM:  Really?  I thought you weren't going to go there.
Malarky:  Sorry.  I'm weak.
 
The players learn some of Red's abilities.
 
GM:  He has a Crow of Justice.  Adds to his PRE, gives him a 10d6 Presence Attack.
Pops:  Holy crap!  That would make anyone run away.
Shadowboxer:  But really, would you want to take the chance of getting beaten up by a chicken?  Think what it would do to your rep.
 
(more to come)

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
 
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." 
 
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." 
 
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
 
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'
 
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

A day that will live in infamy, truly.