Well, after 2+ years of part-time employment (and job-hunting for full-time) I have been offered full-time employment with the City of Boise. More money, 40 hrs a week, all the bennies (and they are city gov't type bennies).
And the call came today, on my 27th wedding anniversary. It's been a pretty damn good day today.
Even if they're really attractive, you should never ask a photographer to step into a dark room with you to see what develops. The answer is almost always negative.
(I know, it's a terrible pun--bad enough to make you shutter.)
Three executives (from different beer companies) at an international brewers convention decide to hit the bar
The man from Budweiser orders a cold glass of Budweiser.
The VP from Miller Brewing orders a bottle of Miller Lite.
And the executive from Guinness orders a glass of Coke.
"Aren't you going to order a pint of Guinness?" asked the executive from Budweiser.
"I was," the executive from Guinness replied, "but I figured if you two weren't having a beer, I shouldn't have one either."
A devout man prays to God one day. "Please, God, let me win the lottery. I promise to use the money to help others."
He doesn't win that week, so he prays again. "God, I'm imploring you to let me win the lottery. Think of all the good I could do to help Your children!"
After he again fails to win, he kneels and prays, "I'm imploring you, Lord, please let me win..."
At this point, a booming voice from above interrupts him. "AT LEAST MEET ME HALF WAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
Going cross-country between Phandalin and Tribor. We're busy looting the orc's encampment when our lookout notices the ground in the gulley has just churned up, and something strongly resembling a shark's fin briefly surfaced.
Lamech: Uh-oh. I strongly suggest that anybody that's seen the movie Tremors get up on the rock with me. GM: Now you know why those Orc's were camped in among the rocks, instead of on open ground.
GM: Your lookout fires off his best spell - he grew up with his granny telling him that halflings are a Land Shark's favourite meat. Well, Land Sharks and Ankhegs, anyway.
We now discover that Land Sharks can not only burrow, they can jump, when it leaps from the bottom of the ravine up onto our cleric, Thorn.
Lamech: So it's just done a Free Willy on him. Kavorog: Yup. Leap... Squish.
Evidentially Elethandiel never saw Tremors, or Free Willy, since the dragonborn tries to attack it in hand-to-hand, and is promptly mauled. The rest of us are retreating higher onto the rocks and using every ranged attack we have - which isn't many, since we used most of them against the orcs a few minutes earlier. Kavorog HAS seen both movies, but attacks anyway, since he wants to beat it into submission and turn it into his personal riding beast. By the time the creature succumbs - and it only succumbs because everybody was rolling maximum damage - the party is mauled half to death, or half crushed, or mauled and crushed and currently underneath the Land Shark's massive body.
Thorn: Oh my f**king God. *casts Channel Divinity on the idiot dragonborn underneath the Land Shark* Elethandiel: ...... Ow.
GM: And in 500 years there'll be protests outside LandWorld, complaining about the treatment of the poor captive Land Sharks.
There's also a pride of lions that show up in the middle of the night, but we let them enjoy their meal of dead land shark in peace. The huge bipedal figure that turns up thereafter, muttering in Orcish, is potentially more of a threat. Kavorog decides to light it up with Dancing Lights, because he's an idiot.
GM: It's an Ettin. Lamech: Oh f**k, a two-headed giant???? GM: The muttering was the clue - it's arguing with itself.
Lamech: At least it doesn't know where the magic came from. Kavorog: 'Where da pretty light come from?' Lamech: 'Me smash fairies - grab, grab'
The lions attack while it's distracted. Mufasa instantly gets cut in half and decapitated.
Lamech: The King is dead, long live the King. But since this will be funny if it actually works ... *moves closer to cast Reduce on the giant*
The rest of us snipe, and Kavorog uses the Dancing Lights and Prestidigitation to create a glowing humanoid figure dancing around yelling "Hey! Listen!"
The lions, wisely, flee, which sucks for us, but at least the Ettin still can't tell where half the attacks are coming from, and blunders right into the middle of the kill zone.
GM: The Ettin clips you with its club.... It's a Grazing Mace. All: *groan* Urlon: Can we all get Inspiration Points for having to listen to that?
The next day, we find a destroyed Orc camp with wild boars eating the bodies.
Lamech: Kill the pigs! GM: You typical anti-authoritarian gnome.
GM: The injured and furious boars stand upright and turn to a more humanoid form. Lamech: Oh, f**k. Urlon: Wereboars! Lamech: Could be worse - could be weeaboos.
Elethandiel: What happens now? Kavorog: We drag you to the nearest hospital. Urlon: Or temple. Kavorog: For weeks of treatment. Lamech: Pigsbane enemas.
This is probably a good time to risk using that magical Bloodsword we picked up, since only magic and silver hurts Lycanthropes. The sword is a Sword of Vengeance, which forces its user to attack anybody that hurts the weirder. Regardless of how many other targets are around. And the circumstances of the attack. And objects viciously if the bearer tries to use any other weapon. Whoops.
On the other hand, Kavorog is also a bit busy right now, trying to drag his idiot cousin Elethandiel back to the rest of the party, so the Sword of Vengeance is out of play for the moment.
Lamech: Web! And now set them on fire. Urlon: What did we just say about forest fires?! GM: You really want me to sic Smokey the Werebear on you?
Peanut Gallery: Yay, long pig! Don't forget to harvest the meat! Lamech: I intend to - evil bacon tastes better. Peanut Gallery: Better yet capture one live and turn it into a pet to bite anyone that annoys you then come back later for some fresh bacon.
One of the were-boars runs off, with Elethandiel in pursuit - so, entirely in character for boars, she turns and charges the dragonborn.
Thorn: Everybody charge shouting! Maybe we can scare it off! Lamech: SAUSAAAAGGGEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Thorn is very annoyed with Elethandiel, since he is after all now infected with lycanthropy, and running off after a were-boar is a very good way to end up joining them. Plus, we have other concerns.
GM: A glowing figure of an anthropomorphic bear in a Rangers hat, carrying a shovel and a roll of toilet paper, emerges from the river. Urlon: Toilet paper? GM: Yes - what do bears do in the woods? It glares at Lamech and Kavorog. Lamech: Uh-oh.
Lamech and Kavorog rush to put out the forest fire we just started, but still get cursed with an injunction against starting fires. The clerics in the party gape, then laugh at this intervention by a divine entity.
My wife is doing a series at church on the founding of America, of course that means Pilgrims. As she's researching, she keeps finding new things related to what she's looking at and trying to figure out the why for that event.
"I can't believe this. I've just got to pick a time and stop. Did you know the Pilgrims spent time in Holland before coming to America?"
"Yes, I did."
"Do you know why they left?"
"No."
"This happened, and this happened. And Holland and Spain were coming to the end of their peace treaty. War might have broken out. Now, that war happened because of this and this. And that all happened because of the Spanish Inquisition!"
