Pariah

The other day I was talking to my wife about an article. It claimed that men used about 10,000 words each day on average, while women used about 20,000 words a day. She said, "That's because we always have to say everything twice, because you knuckleheads are never listening the first time." To which I said, "What?"

"Did . . . not see that coming . . . ."

Victor and his cadre were just wrapping up their meeting when the sounds of a scuffle erupted outside. Before they could make the door, a tall, broad-shouldered man let himself in, accompanied by several others in combat gear. "Kaufmann!", Victor exclaimed. "That's 'President-for-Life-and-de facto-Ruler-of-the-Civilized-World Kaufmann', if you please." "What do you want?" "The same thing you want. To save the word from the coming invasion. The way I see it, we can really help each other." "A 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend' scenario?" Magneto suggested. "Just so." "Except that you have no friends," White Adam retorted. "You have enemies, and you have subordinates." "Quibble, quibble. It goes with the position, I'm afraid. You'd do the same, were our places reversed." "It would be a twisted world indeed where our positions were reversed," Victor said. "But you're here. Say what you have to say, so we can show you out and get on with saving the world." "Such hostility," the Golden Avenger replied. "Relax, Victor. I'm not here to threaten you or to disrupt your operations. I'm here to save your butts. Next time, show a little gratitude." "I'm not staying here to listen to this," Adam said, turning to leave. "Stay," Victor entreated him. "Let's hear him out. So, what are your intentions, Kaufmann?" "It's simple, really, You don't want Istvatha V'han taking over the world. I don't want her taking over the world either. We have a common goal. There's no reason not to combine our resources to achieve that goal." "So, we help you drive the Empress away, and then you betray us when it's all over? Is that it?" "What betrayal? We work together to dive the Empress away. That's it. After that, I go back to ruling the world cleanly and efficiently like I have for the past 20 years, and you go back to trying to stop me, like you've been doing for the past 20 years. That's all." "And what do you have to contribute?" "Manpower." He smiled a brief smile of satisfaction. "It's like the ancient Egyptians said: There's nothing you can't accomplish when you have vision, determination, and an inexhaustible supply of expendable labor." Adam cringed visibly. "So your contribution is to send millions of men and women to their deaths?" "V'han is coming. Millions of deaths are a statistical inevitability at this point. The only questions are who is going to die, and what are they going to be doing when it happens? Who would you rather have dying in droves, soldiers or civilians?" All manner of debate broke out over this. Kaufmann let them go for a few moments, then decided it was time to rein them in. "Look," he nearly shouted." You don't like me, you don't trust me, some of you probably even want to kill me. Fine. But the important thing right now is this: Do you want to kill me more than you want to stop the Empress? I doubt it. So let's get past the name-calling and get down to saving the world. It'll be easier with your help, but I'll do it without you if I have to." "Fine," Victor acquiesced. "Let's see what your troop numbers look like...." Option (Ally): Golden Avenger and P.R.I.M.U.S.

Praise indeed. Thank you!

He was interrupted by the knock at his door. "Director Rogers?" "Mary, come in. What is it?" "I am . . . concerned." "About the upcoming war for Earth?" "Yes. I've scouted the opposition, as you requested." "Yes, I read your report. Very thorough." "Even with Istvatha V'han's forces backing us up, we'll be hard pressed to defeat the Resistance. Von Doom, White Adam, Lestrange, Magneto, and Mechanon are all formidable fighters. And Lady Shiva brings an expertise in combat nearly equal to your own. I'm not thrilled at our chances." He scowled. "So, you're a master tactician now?" "No, of course not," she replied. "I would never presume to usurp your role, or your position. But I do have a gift of Wisdom, and it tells me the odds are not in our favor." "That's only because you don't have all the information. Come with me." He led her out of his office and across the base to a small building that looked like a storage shed. Inside, he opened a hidden panel and summoned an elevator. Down they rode together in silence . . . a hundred meters, two hundred, three hundred. At last the doors opened. Inside a glass enclosure stood an unconscious female form. Mary looked on in wonder. "Is that . . .?" Rogers nodded. "When the Kryptonian became unavailable to us, the Empress commanded me to oversee this project. She is a homunculus, cultivated from both human and Kryptonian DNA. She is nearly as powerful as he was. As powerful as you are, in many ways." "And she is loyal to the Empress?" "Completely. It's been programmed into her personality. She is, in many ways, the perfect weapon." She stared silently for moment. He watched her carefully, looking for any kind of reaction. At length, she spoke. "With her power on our side, we cannot lose," she concluded. "The Empress will be pleased when we deliver her this Earth." "Indeed she will." Option (Second Dragon): Galatea, Justice League Unlimited

Oh, I'm well aware. I have a plan. Well, I have at least 12% of a plan.

Spades it is!

"This paper reminds me of the anion formed by fluorine: F-."

Student: "Why did you give me an 'F' on this assignment?" Teacher: "Because I couldn't give you a 'G'."

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy, she'll beat you of she's able. The Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.

Malfunction

Paradise City has green grass and pretty girls. I was reading the other day on the internet (so it must be true!) that Kenny Loggins was actually the fifth choice to sing "Danger Zone" in Top Gun after two groups and to solo artists declined. So, an I Challenge You! Two-fer: Toto vs. REO Speedwagon Bryan Adams vs. Corey Hart

Q: Why are you trying to teach partial differential equations to a kid watching Looney Tunes? A: The triple integral of yo' mama.

The inevitable upcoming reboot of Knight Rider. Dropped a curling stone right on Glorious Leader's head. Knocked some sense into him.

Justin Timberlake

The Bog! The Bog!! MY EYES!!!!! Bears vs. Lions

I think I still need two Options and the Card. It may be Monday before I get that done.

Detergent-scented projectile vomiting, more likely.

Where's the "groan" button...?

Ralph's redeeming quality was that he was a genuinely good person. What he lacked in skill or competence, he made up in heart. Hence, Greatest American Hero. If that's not going to be the case with the reboot, then I can think of no good reason to watch it. I guess we'll see.

...primarily because Death Tribble, one of.the financial backers for the film, demanded 150% of the gross. I have to read the contract more carefully next time.

The worst thing about a war is the silence between the battles, Victor thought to himself. He'd been in the room with Mechanon for almost an hour, during which time the mechanical hero hadn't made a sound. It was unnerving. In defiance of the silence, Victor spoke to himself. "We have five of the most powerful heroes on Earth leading the defense of our planet." He waited for a response, received none. "Five should be enough, shouldn't it?" With that, he thought he saw Mechanon move. He looked more carefully. He couldn't be sure. If it had moved, it had done so almost imperceptibly. "What, do you think we need one more?" No response. "You think we need one more." Nothing. "All right, we'll get one more." Option (Protagonist): Lady Shiva

Insect

Or, if we want to irritate Starlord.... FOURTRAN