Nevelon Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 Re: Jokes And when Americans use an ethnicity in these' date=' it's Scott.[/quote'] a case in point: Why do Scotts wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 12, 2011 Report Share Posted October 12, 2011 Re: Jokes As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Mackinder Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes And when Americans use an ethnicity in these' date=' it's Scott.[/quote'] Scott who? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Scott who? Norman Scott, US Navy Admiral, Medal of Honor winner, WW2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nevelon Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Great Scott! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes We've probably all heard some versions of Star Trek light bulb jokes. And I don't mean the kind the Klingons tell about Organians. Some classics I've heard How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Light bulb jokes are illogical. How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. How many Orions does it take to change a light bulb? That's what slaves are for. There are a couple that, as far as I know, no one heard before I told them How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? That depends. How many of his relatives can he get on your payroll for changing it? How many Humans does it take to change a light bulb? One to get angry and curse at the old light bulb for going out, one to change the light bulb, and one to process the paperwork. Lucius Alexander How many palindromedaries does it take to change a light bulb? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Varient Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes... How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? NONE! Klingons do not fear the dark! What do Klingons do with a Klingon who changes a light bulb? Execute him for Cowardice. What do Klingons do with a burned out light bulb? Execute it for Failure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Afterbeing away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a littlegift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a$50.00 bottle. “That’sa bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. Growingannoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim,“is I’d like to see something really cheap.” The clerk handed him a mirror Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Afterbeing away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a littlegift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a$50.00 bottle. “That’sa bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. Growingannoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim,“is I’d like to see something really cheap.” The clerk handed him a mirror Perfect. Gift wrap this mirror and attach a card saying "I wanted you to see the most beautiful thing in the world to me." Lucius Alexander The palindromedary has never married, but I have Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Re: Jokes Perfect. Gift wrap this mirror and attach a card saying "I wanted you to see the most beautiful thing in the world to me." Lucius Alexander The palindromedary has never married, but I have That is as good an answer as this: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Re: Jokes Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Re: Jokes After that one, these will seem inconsequential: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up womans’ leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs. Of course, I posted them anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Re: Jokes Found this in the local newspaper: The bartender says "We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here." A neutrino walks into a bar. Lucius Alexander A man and a palindromedary walk into a bar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Re: Jokes Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes. The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.” The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.” The fourth, a New York surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 15, 2011 Report Share Posted October 15, 2011 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted October 16, 2011 Report Share Posted October 16, 2011 Re: Jokes I actually named my first cat Havoc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted October 16, 2011 Report Share Posted October 16, 2011 Re: Jokes and then you let loose the Dogs of War? how cruel of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Re: Jokes My Dad used to have a dog that would habitually leave messes next to the foot of his bed. Dad would step in the poo and yell, "Dammit!" It became the dog's de facto name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McCoy Posted October 17, 2011 Report Share Posted October 17, 2011 Re: Jokes I actually named my first cat Havoc. Number two son had a cat named Havoc. Was the Alpha for several years, once saw him stand down two full grown coyotes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 21, 2011 Report Share Posted October 21, 2011 Re: Jokes If Will Smith committed a crime, would he leave fresh prints at the scene? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Re: Jokes Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted October 28, 2011 Report Share Posted October 28, 2011 Re: Jokes Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them? What am I if I lie awake wondering what paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs wonder about? Lucius Alexander Probably a palindromedary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 Re: Jokes What am I if I lie awake wondering what paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs wonder about? In need of stronger medications, would be my guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 Re: Jokes I usually don't post videos here, but since this is a short clip from a sitcom. It seemed appropriate here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 Re: Jokes Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the dogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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