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Re: Jokes

 

Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

 

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

 

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

 

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

 

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

 

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

 

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

 

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

 

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

 

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

 

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

 

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

 

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

 

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

 

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

 

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

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Re: Jokes

 

Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex

 

Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

Good chocolate is easy to find.

You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

With chocolate size doesn't matter.

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Re: Jokes

 

The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:

 

The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."

 

The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."

 

The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."

 

The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."

 

 

Even more scary:

 

A Pfc with a badge.

 

A 2nd lieutenent with a map.

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Re: Jokes

 

Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.

 

 

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

 

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

 

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

 

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

 

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

 

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

 

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

 

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

 

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

 

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

 

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

 

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

 

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

 

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

 

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.

 

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

 

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

 

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

 

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

 

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

 

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

 

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

 

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

 

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

 

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

 

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

 

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

 

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

 

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

 

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

 

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

 

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

 

HAPPY: Paid too much.

 

WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.

 

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

 

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ****.

 

WILL GO FAR: Related to management.

 

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

 

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

 

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.

 

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

 

DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

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Re: Jokes

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord

said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will

grant you one wish.

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I

want."

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required

to reach the bottom of the Pacific ! The concrete and steel it would take."

 

"I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly

things.

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think

would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time.

 

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to

know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the

silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',

and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge ?"

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Guest Schwarzwald

Re: Jokes

 

Why do (insert any group you don't like here) take a bucket of sh-t to their weddings? To keep the flies off the bride!

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Re: Jokes

 

Corporate lessons:

 

Corporate Lesson 1

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

 

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson 2

 

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

 

 

 

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson 3

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"

says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Piña Coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

 

 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson 4

 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:

"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

 

 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

 

 

 

Corporate Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

 

 

 

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Re: Jokes

 

After being interviewed by the school principal, the prospective teacher said, "Let me make sure I've got this right: you want me to take a room full of kids, fill them with a love for learning, instill pride in their ethnicity, maintain a safe environment, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, check their heads for lice, censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons, raise their self esteem, teach them patriotism, citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, how to apply for a job, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure they all pass mandatory state exams (even those who don't attend regularly or finish assignments), give every student an equal education (regardless of mental or physical handicaps), communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, email, and report card, provide many of my own supplies since you have no budget to do so, and all on a salary that qualifies my family for food stamps? You expect me to do all this and then you expect me to not pray?!"

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Re: Jokes

 

The local university was seeking someone to fill the position of Dean. Their exhaustive search narrowed the prostective candidates down to three people; a professor of psychology, a professor of mathematics, and a professor of law.

 

The chairman of the board decided that all of their credentials were effectively equal. The deciding factor would be what kind of people they were. So, hwe invited each of the applicants into his office, one at a time, to answer a simple question.

 

"So," the chairman said to the psychologist,"What is one plus one?"

 

"Well, you see," the psychologist told him," the concept of 'one' can mean many things to many people. Therefore we must attempt to ascertain the environmental and geneological influences exherted upon these "ones" in order to determine the probably outcome of their being in such proximity to one another."

 

"Thank you." the chairman said. "You may wait outside."

 

The second applicant, the mathmatician, was let in next. After being seated and straightening his tie, the chairman posed the same question to the mathmatician that he had asked the psychologist.

 

"What is one plus one?"

 

"Well," the mathmatician explained," that all depends upon whether the values you are using are absolute, or if they have been rounded in some way. You see, were the values of a positive, whole number 'one' added to the value of an identical, whole positive number "one', the value would of course be two. However, if the numbers used are not being used precisely, as in the case of having been rounded, then a theoretical value of 'one point five', which could conceivably be rounded to one, added to an identical value of 'one point five', could, in fact, yeild a result of 'three'."

 

"Thank you." the chairman told him."That will be all."

 

Finally the third applicant, the lawyer, was brought into the room. He sat down, just as the other two had done, and awaited the question.

 

"What is one plus one?" the chairman asked.

 

The lawyer looked intently into the chairman's eyes. Then he rose, and closed the office door. He unplugged the phone. He took the time to carefully examine the office to make sure there were no hidden microphones. He lowered the blinds on the windows. When all of this was done, he leeeeeeeaned over the desk, and he whispered to the chairman.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"How much do you want it to be?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

 

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

 

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!

 

" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

 

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

 

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

 

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

 

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

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Re: Jokes

 

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

 

"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"

 

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."

 

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

 

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a heart."

 

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

 

Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

 

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

 

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

 

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"

 

"Is Dorothy here?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Cowboy movie phrases that will never sound the same once you’ve seen Brokeback Mountain: “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!†“Give me a stiff one, barkeep!†“Don’t fret--I’ve been in tight spots before.†“Howdy, pardner.†“You stay here while I sneak around from behind.†“Saddle sore.†“Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, real slow-like.†“Let’s mount up!†“Nice spread ya got there!†“Ride ’em, cowboy!â€

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Re: Jokes

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could

barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,

they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they

just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought

to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went

through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to

another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they

went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was

almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned

that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next

intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on

through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,

did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?

You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said,

"Oh Crap! Am I driving?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the

years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a

week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one

looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know

we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your

name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please

tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least

three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Medical Advancements.....

 

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is considered a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Re: Jokes

 

Punny Reading

 

"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

 

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

 

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

 

"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit

(illustrated by Betty Wont)

 

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

 

"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

 

"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

 

"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While

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Re: Jokes

 

Medical Advancements.....

 

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is considered a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

You realize that this is not really a joke right?

 

http://www.herogames.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37778

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