Jokes

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

 

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

 

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

 

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

 

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

My apologies in advance to people from Kentucky and Mexico for the following joke:

 

A Kentucky couple, both true rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this . The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican,

and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

Okay, here's a few from elseforum:

 

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "Hell" and you say "Ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for

breakfast..... "Aw Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK..! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man...?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios......

 

----------------------------------------

Friday Oct 20 2006

 

Bombs Away...

 

During World War II there was an undeclared mock war carried on between the fighter and bomber squadrons scattered over the English countryside. A pilot from a fighter squadron made a run on a rival airfield flying a vintage biplane trainer. His bomb load consisted of a well stacked sack of manure.

 

The next day a reprisal raid was launched by the bomber group, and their representative flew an antiquated trainer. Everyone scattered-anticipating a reprisal in kind; but instead a typewritten note leafed its way to the ground. The note read:

 

“We regret to inform you your commanding officer fell to his death on our airfield yesterday while carrying out a bombing mission. We share your grief and await the arrival of a representative to claim the body.”

 

----------------------------------------

Thursday Oct 19 2006

 

Stand By Your Man

 

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health

started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

 

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

"I think you're bad luck."

 

----------------------------------------

Wednesday Oct 18 2006

 

A trucker, who has been out on the road for three weeks, stops at a brothel. He hands the madam £500 and says: ‘I want your ugliest woman and a Spam sandwich.’ The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for £500 you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal,’ she says. The trucker replies: Listen lady, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.’

 

----------------------------------------

Tuesday Oct 17 2006

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height:

 

Dear Dogs and Cats,

 

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other

dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in

the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming

your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the

slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating

me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I

fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry

about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure

your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they

sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other

stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking

tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to

maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by

some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw

under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the

same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --

canine or feline attendance is not required.

 

The proper order is kiss me, "THEN" go smell the other dog or cat's rear

end. I cannot stress this enough!

 

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door:

 

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

 

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

(That's why they call it fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who

is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

 

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

 

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He

could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned

craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist

shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"

 

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"

 

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got

closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of

the gators?"

 

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Had to steal this one from Readers Digest, as it fits me so well:

 

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, only it's in alphabetical order as it should be.

[secretID]

Re: Jokes

 

How do you give a woman an orgasm?

 

Who cares?

 

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of

course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the

window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

 

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll

have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much

your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they

saw the damage that was done: gl ass was all over the place, and a

broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that

broke my window?"

 

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband

replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a

thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a

moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for

the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least

I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

 

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every

country in the world," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will

always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's

your wish, genie?"

 

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been

with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex

with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you

know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're

right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the

same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the

rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and

looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your

husband?"

 

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 

"No Kidding," he said."Thirty-five years old..... and both of

you still believe in genies?"

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

I used to have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

 

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned by eating it?

 

I told her no, the problem stemmed from the fact I'd been sitting in the street licking myself between my legs and a car hit me.

[AliceTheOwl]

Re: Jokes

 

How do you give a woman an orgasm?

 

Who cares?

[secretID]

Re: Jokes

 

All in jest. To make up for it:

Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?

 

So men can understand them.

 

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

How many lawyer jokes are there?

 

Three - the rest are true stories.

 

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

>> A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th

>> wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

>> Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and

>> said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being

>> faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a

>> wish."

>>

>> "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said

>> the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof two tickets for

>> the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

>>

>> Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:

>> "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will

>> never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife

>> 30 years younger than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply

>> disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

>>

>> So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof ... the husband became 92

>> years old.

>>

>> The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should

>> remember fairies are female.

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

 

 

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

 

He never heard the shot....

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Internetaholics Anonymous

 

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned

about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end

online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror

lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked

downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides

support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help

you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases,

interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured,"

you most certainly can recover.

 

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do

you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll

receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation,

hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping

about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

 

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a

problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery

is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

[tomd1969]

Re: Jokes

 

On a related note, am I the only one who finds it ironic that the Center for Internet Addication Recovery has a web-site with a mailing list, a blog, and a podcast? Isn't that like holding an AA meeting in the local pub and having a few beers while you're there?

 

http://www.netaddiction.com

[proditor]

Re: Jokes

 

A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He called the number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes.

 

The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the shotgun for?"

 

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Dear Abby,

 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what

could be a crucial decision.

 

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

 

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My

wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask

their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know

them."

 

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always

walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has

gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I

once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was and she went

berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I

checking up on her.

 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down

I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and

I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley

Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could

get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that

moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on

my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

Thanks,

 

Bob.

[transmetahuman]

Re: Jokes

 

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

 

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

 

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says:

"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Subject: Halloween Party

>

>

>

>A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible

>headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted

>husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some

>aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be

>spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

>

>The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain;

>and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as

>much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd

>have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't

>around.

>

>She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the

>dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here

>and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather

>seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to

>this new babe who had just arrived.

>

>She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

>Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off

>they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before

>unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away

>and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his

>behavior.

>

>She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had

>been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time

>when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

>

>He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I

>met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and

>played poker all evening.

>

>But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to sure

>had a real good time!"

[alexraccoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend Common Sense. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life is not always fair and maybe it was my fault.

His health began to deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place and lost ground when parents attacked teachers for disciplining their unruly children and when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a sticking plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant. He finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement through the courts.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and his son Reason. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. He is survived by three stepbrothers I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.

[NestorDRod]

Re: Jokes

 

It's not in season, but I can't trust my Swiss Cheese brain to remember to post it at the right time, and for all I know, someone's already added it to this list, but what the heck, here it comes: The Only Good Irish Joke I Have Ever Heard.

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all walk into a pub and sit down at the bar. Each orders a pint of Guinness, and as if to compound the improbability of it all, a fly lands on each pint of Guinness .

 

The Englishman makes a disgusted face and pushes the pint away.

 

The Scotsman shrugs, plucks the fly off the foam, and drinks the Guinness down.

 

The Irishman grabs the fly and holds it over the glass, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YE BASTUHD! SPIT IT OUT!"

 

[Lucius]

No Joke

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend Common Sense. ....... He finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement through the courts.

 

Common Sense will be much missed.

 

If he were still here, he'd be pointing out the errors in his obituary. For example, he would resent the implication that awarding a settlement to a woman who sufferred THIRD DEGREE BURNS requiring a period of HOSPITALIZATION and treatment with SKIN GRAFTS was anything other than just and reasonable. No, although already badly wounded our friend Common Sense was present and conscious in that courtrom. Common Sense had been severely hurt by the morons who thought it was a brilliant idea to serve coffee not only far too hot to drink, but hot enough to be (obviously) insanely dangerous to handle; but what killed him off were the people afterwards who took the case out of context and distorted it out of recognition, essentially making up a story about a woman who sufferred a perhaps severe but definitely brief discomfort and got a windfall for it, rather than a severe injury requiring medical attention.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

The palindromedary comments that, like Elvis, reports of Common Sense keep cropping up....

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

Common Sense was also grieviously wounded when McDonalds refused to cover the woman's $20K medical costs, thus forcing her to sue them. And the $2 million court settlement was reduced to $640K on appeal, which McDonalds also refused to pay. They eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

 

Sorry -- we now return you to your regularly scheduled humor.

[bigdamnhero]

Re: Jokes

 

A friend of mine who has a lot of dealing with the US Department Of Energy sent me this. You may, if you wish, substitute the name of your own personal favorite bureaucracy.

 

Why DOE Is So Dysfunctional

 

Why there is so little thinking outside of the box at DOE?

 

Put 5 apes in a room. Hang a banana from the ceiling and place a ladder underneath the banana. The banana is only reachable by climbing the ladder. Set it up so any time an ape starts to climb the ladder, the whole room is sprayed with ice cold water. In a short time, all the apes will learn not to climb the ladder.

 

Now take one ape out and replace him with another one, No. 6, and disable the sprayer. The new ape (No. 6) will start to climb the ladder and will be attacked unmercifully by the other four apes. He will have no idea why he was attacked.

 

Replace another old ape with a new one. The same thing will happen, with ape No. 6 doing the most hitting. Continue this pattern until all the old apes have been replaced.

 

Now all of the apes will stay off of the ladder, attack any ape that attempts to, and have absolutely no idea why they are doing it. This is how department policy and culture is formed and explains why it is so hard to change anything at DOE.

[Cybernaut]

Re: Jokes

 

A friend of mine told me this one a long, long time ago...

 

A truck driver was having a couple drinks at a roadside bar when he felt nature calling. As he was finishing his business in the bathroom, he spied a white box mounted on the wall next to the condom machine with a coin slot and a hole in the front panel , as well as a picture of a hot blonde wearing only a men's work shirt and a suggestive smile. Written above the young woman's picture in block letters was "LET ME BE YOUR WIFE, 25 CENTS." The trucker then reaches into his pocket for a quarter...

 

About a minute later, the bartender hears a blood curtling scream from the men's room and finds the trucker curled up in a fetal position on floor. The bartender asked, "Hey buddy, you okay? What happen?"

 

The trucker groaned, "That 'Let me be your wife' machine of yours..."

 

"What about it? Did it malfunction or something?"

 

"I don't know," The trucker replied. "I sure didn't expect it to sew a button on my ."