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Re: Jokes

 

OLD FRED

 

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good.

Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.

 

The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his

last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places

it in his jacket pocket..

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's

wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.

"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at

it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

 

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

=====

 

BEAUTIFUL

 

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was

sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful.

Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she

stayed by his side.

 

A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

 

She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

 

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off.

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Original Jokes

 

I came up with this years ago - it is probably the best original joke I will ever think up in my lifetime. I was just prompted to use it in another thread, but it really belongs here.

 

Have you seen the Amish website?

 

Lucius Alexander

 

 

 

"Neither have they” says the palindromedary.

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Re: Original Jokes

 

I came up with this years ago - it is probably the best original joke I will ever think up in my lifetime. I was just prompted to use it in another thread' date=' but it really belongs here.[/quote']

 

How do you do that "spoiler button" thing?

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Re: Jokes

 

"Doctor, I think I may be losing my hearing."

 

"Can you describe the symptoms?"

 

"They're a yellow cartoon family; what does that have to do with my case?"

 

--

 

"Hey Joe, can you smell burning?"

"I'm dyslexic. I can't even smell my own name."

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Re: Jokes

 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock

in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........

 

The man gets up and goes to the door

where a drunken stranger, standing in the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

>>

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three

o'clock in the morning."

>>

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some

drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

>>

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not.

It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

>>

His wife said, "Don't you remember about three

months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you

should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

>>

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets

dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello! Are you still there?"

>>

"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still

need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

>>

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

>>

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

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Re: Jokes

 

Why God made Mums

 

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!!

 

 

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

 

 

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

 

 

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the

world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

string, I think.

 

 

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1.We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

 

 

What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

 

 

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on

beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to

chores?

 

 

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

 

 

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

ball.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

 

 

What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause

that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

 

 

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

 

 

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

 

 

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of

that.

2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it

and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

her head.

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Re: Jokes

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and

this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what

the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be

institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

want a room with or without a view?"

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Re: Jokes

 

>Every woman loves a sensitive guy!

>

>A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving

>together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his

>apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled

>with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the

>bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully

>placed in rows covering the entire wall!

>

>

>It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them

>and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into

>organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

>medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,

>enormous bears running all the way ! along t he top shelf. She found it

>strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of

>Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite

>impressed by his sensitive side.

>

>They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she

>finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe

>he could be the future father my children?"

>

>She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

>They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in

>his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's

>clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds

>with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

>

>After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

>they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,

>gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

>

>The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her

>eyes, and says:

>

>"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf".................

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Re: Jokes

 

Things To Do When Jehovah Witnesses Visit You

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.

 

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.

 

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

 

4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

 

5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.

 

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.

 

7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

 

8. Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

 

9. Guys - part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

 

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

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Re: Jokes

 

Communication

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

 

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

 

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

 

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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Re: Jokes

 

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom, because it more accurately reflects its political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Re: Jokes

 

Don't know if this one was told yet, if so I apologize.

 

A ventriloquist visits a farm, and the farmer is showing him around. When he sees a dog by the house, he figures he'll have a little fun with the farmer. So he leans down and asks the dog, "So, how do you like living on this farm?"

 

Then he throws his voice so it sounds like the dog says, "Oh, it's pretty good, lots of chickens to chase, the master gives me a bone now and then. I can't complain."

 

The farmer is amazed, and the ventriloquist walks up to a horse standing by the barn. "And how about you? How's the farmer treat you?" Again throwing his voice, he makes the horse say, "Welllll, I get plenty of hay and a nice wash every week. It would be nice to get to run in the field more, though."

 

The farmer is standing there dumfounded as the ventriloquist heads over to a cow. "How about you, Bossie?" And the cow 'says', "Other than the farmer's cold hands when he milks me, it's pretty nice here."

 

At this point the farmer runs up to the ventriloquist, grabs his arm, and says, "Don't believe the sheep. They're all stinkin' liars."

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Re: Jokes

 

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows up with his attorney.

 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ed. "How about a demonstration?"

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

 

Ed says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

 

Ed removes his glass eye and bites it.

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Ed says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

 

The auditor can tell Ed isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ed's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ed asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ed told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

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Re: Jokes

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked th priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

>

> "Of course. What may I do for you?"

>

> "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well

over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

>

> Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?

Under your robes perhaps?"

>

> "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not

lie."

>

> "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

 

> The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

> "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to

declare."

>

> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do

you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

>

> "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on

a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

> "Next!"

 

 

 

 

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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Re: Jokes

 

How about a military joke?

 

Private Jones was assigned to the Marine induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

 

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

 

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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Re: Jokes

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they

do to make their days interesting. Well, for example,

the other day I went into town and went into a shop.

 

I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came

out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

 

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about

giving a senior citizen a break?"

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket

 

I called him a Nazi; he glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn tires.

 

I suggested he should try stool softeners to improve

his attitude

 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the

windshield with the first.

 

I offered him a hemorrhoid suppository, suggesting it

might help him fit his head in there. He started

writing a third ticket

 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused

him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

 

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm

retired.

 

It's important at my age.

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Re: Jokes

 

Cross-posting from the Batman/Captain America thread:

 

At the end of the night a US Marine leaves a bar.

 

Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

 

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?"

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Re: Jokes

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you

really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you

informed,the definition for each is listed below ....

 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,

being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping

your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

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Re: Jokes

 

As a salute to the Amish:

 

An Amish man and his son were riding in their horse-drawn buggy up a long, narrow one-lane road, when they had to stop because of a BMW coming the other way. There was no way for either vehicle to pass the other. Either the car or the buggy would have to back up several miles to let the other through.

 

The Amish man said, "You need to back up, please, so we can continue our journey."

 

The BMW driver said, "Screw that, YOU back up!"

 

The Amish man got out of his buggy, walked up to the BMW while rolling up his sleeves, and said in a deadly calm voice, "Back up, or I will be forced to do something that I truly do not wish to do."

 

The BMW driver was freaked and began backing up the road.

 

As the Amish man got back into his buggy, his son (also a bit in shock) asked, "If he had not backed up, Father, what was it you would have done that you did not wish to do?"

 

The Amish man shrugged. "Back up several miles."

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Re: Jokes

 

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

 

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

 

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

 

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

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Re: Jokes

 

The secretary in a mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver -- a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children's song "I'm a Little Teapot." Seeing this, a child psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary's desk: "Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder."

 

 

A woman was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted. "Do you know what they say?" "I'm afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway." " 'Cheap, but good.' "

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Re: Jokes

 

Alex's joke reminded me of a joke I posted two years ago in the "Clean Joke" thread:

 

A former Navy man is at a party and talking to the wife of a Navy officer. She shows him her necklace, which is made of little semaphore flags. "Isn't it great? It says, "I love you" in semaphore!"

 

Now, the former Navy man is a bit rusty on his semaphore, but he knows that there's no semaphore flag for "love." So he scribbles down a description of the flags to check afterward.

 

When he gets home, he looks up the flags in an old manual. They actually read, "Request permission to lay alongside."

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