Legion of Stupor-Heroes

[William Bushway]

Okay, we've heard the gaming horror-stories, worst moments, etc. Now it's time for everyone to post the Worst Character Concept they've ever seen. I'll roll out my old standard as example, one I first shared with the world back in 2001 on the Hero Mailing List:

 

I may as well share the Worst Character Concept Ever, submitted to me by a prospective player in a Champions game was going to run (but never got off the ground):

 

The Superlative (Invincible, Indestructible, etc.) Hammer-Wheel.

 

The Invincible Hammer-Wheel's power is that he has hammers for hands and wheels for feet. Or it could have been wheels for hands and hammers for feet. The player himself wasn't sure, but my mental picture of the character is a man with monster-truck wheels plugged into where is arms should be, who drives up to villains and kicks them with his sledgehammer feet.

 

Here's basically how the conversation went:

 

Player: I hear you're running a superhero game. Can I play?

Me: Sure. Do you have a character concept in mind?

Player: The Invincible Hammer-Wheel!

Me: Uh... (keep in mind this was to be a "serious" supers game)

Player: He has hammers for hands and wheels for feet! Or, wheels for hands and hammers for feet. I haven't decided.

Me: And how did he come by these "powers?"

Player: He was born that way.

Me: Must have been rough on his folks...

Player: He was raised by farm implements.

Me: ...and his motivation for doing good?

Player: He lives in the woods.

 

So whenever people bring up their "worst concept" horror-stories, all I have to say is;

 

"The Invincible Hammer-Wheel.

He has hammers for hands and wheels for feet.

He was born that way.

He was raised by farm implements.

He lives in the woods."

[Enforcer84]

That's not really fair setting the bar so high.

 

My wors that I saw was basically all the powers of the X-Men in a four foot tall anthropamorphic cat. With Psychic Claws.

 

To be fair my brother was in the 5th grade at the time.

[McCoy]

Jezabele, a martial-artist/egoist/energy projector, a pyrokinetic whose hobby was burning churches.

 

"And you want her to play a hero in this campagine?"

 

"Something wrong with that?"

[Lord Mhoram]

He's got hammers for hands and wheels for feet raised by farm Implements and living in the woods. She's a martial artist with who hobby is burning churches with pyrokenesis.

They Fight Crime.

 

(ducks)

 

 

 

Couldn't resist, on a suggestion from my wife.

[William Bushway]

Originally posted by Enforcer84

That's not really fair setting the bar so high.

 

Honestly, that campaign was doomed from the start. The other (marginally less awful) character concepts I recieved were:

 

Batman.. with Guns. Years later when I first saw the Harbinger of Justice, this guy's concept immediately came to mind.

 

Japanese demon dressed in full Kabuki costume with flame powers and a cursed katana. No background or heroic motivation, but a damn cool sketch (player in question was an artist). I came across the sketch a while ago, and planned to use it for a writeup of Kagutsuchi, who would have been a Susano Orbatos clone from Masamune's Shirow's Orion. However, I seem to have lost the sketch again

 

Guy with a glove that could launch time-delay explosive "bombs." This was the video-game geek's contribution.

 

Powered-armor guy, basically a man-sized Valkyrie from the Robotech cartoon. This from the Battletech nut.

 

The funniest part was that I'd pre-planned to have the characters meet up with trying to take on a super-powered arsonist who was holding the city hostage. I can't imagine how these characters would've saved the Mayor from the burning City Council building...

[GenreFiend]

Kitchen Appliance Man

 

Robotic character who's body was a refrigerator. Shot out high-speed, rapid-fire ice cubes. Always announced to his foes (in a bad French accent, even though the character was not French) "I.... am KITCHEN APPLIANCE MAN!"

[Rage]

Originally posted by William Bushway

Honestly, that campaign was doomed from the start. The other (marginally less awful) character concepts I recieved were:

 

Batman.. with Guns. Years later when I first saw the Harbinger of Justice, this guy's concept immediately came to mind.

 

Japanese demon dressed in full Kabuki costume with flame powers and a cursed katana. No background or heroic motivation, but a damn cool sketch (player in question was an artist). I came across the sketch a while ago, and planned to use it for a writeup of Kagutsuchi, who would have been a Susano Orbatos clone from Masamune's Shirow's Orion. However, I seem to have lost the sketch again

 

Guy with a glove that could launch time-delay explosive "bombs." This was the video-game geek's contribution.

 

Powered-armor guy, basically a man-sized Valkyrie from the Robotech cartoon. This from the Battletech nut.

 

The funniest part was that I'd pre-planned to have the characters meet up with trying to take on a super-powered arsonist who was holding the city hostage. I can't imagine how these characters would've saved the Mayor from the burning City Council building...

 

Im sure Wheel Man could have burnt rubber to save the day, hammering his way into our hearts

[Doug McCrae]

Big Ed, Lord of Chance

 

Origin: A radioactive slot machine fell on him.

Power: Super-luck. Something like 30-40d6 of Luck. That was his only power. The GM interpreted it generously, rolling for it fairly frequently. For example, Big Ed could find the villains secret HQ by throwing a dart at a map.

Weakness: Confined to a wheel chair. (I think he'd been crippled by the slot machine impact.)

 

Adam Apples

 

Secret identity: Spider-man. Yep, that's right. His hero name was 'Adam Apples', but in every day life he was known as 'Spider-man'. Spider-man was the goalkeeper for Berwick Rangers (a very minor British soccer team).

Power: Turns into kit form when he says 'Split!' (he was an android).

Weapons: Ear-o-rangs - Like Batarangs but with a human ear motif instead of a bat's wing.

Sidekicks: Adam Apples has a marsupial-like pouch which is home to a family of ninja kangaroos who fight for him.

Weakness: No feet. Adam Apples hovers a few inches above the ground.

 

In fairness, Adam Apples was not intended to be a serious character and never saw actual play.

[GenreFiend]

Ladies and Gentlemen:

 

I think we may have a winner....... Adam Apples!

[Guest Celt]

As long as I never ever see another Jukebox Hero.

[Trebuchet]

I don't have anything as egregious as you all, but I do have a female player friend who played a "vampire" cleverly named Vampyr. A vampire that:

 

1) Wasn't effected at all by sunlight

2) Wasn't effected at all by holy items

3) Didn't need to drink blood

4) Had a soul

5) Didn't need to be invited into dwellings

 

As near as I can tell, this character was a vampire only because he dressed in black. (And what does that say about the late great Johnny Cash?)

[Dr. Anomaly]

The most unplayable concept I ever had from a player was this:

 

An alien gladiator/cop (okay so far, sort of) sentenced to do time on Earth for bucking "the system" in the name of Justice instead of Law (seen that done before).

 

Problems:

 

*Character does not know any Terran language, has no Telepathy or translation device, and does not INTEND to learn an Earth language during the game. ("He's a proud warrior of a proud people. There's no way he'd stoop to speaking any tongue of such a backward, primitive world.")

 

*Character has NO concept of the right/wrong or social customs of any Terran society, but will act by his own code of ethics, law, and morality. ("He's a warrior from a very advanced, old civilization. There's no way he'd let his actions be bound by the primitive belief systems of these backward people.")

 

*Character is an obvious alien with no way to maintain a secret identity -- 7 feet tall, looking rather like the Predator sans mask, outrageous skin color, doesn't wear clothing, only weapons. ("He wouldn't maintain a secret identity -- there's no reason to. Besides, he's a proud warrior -- there's no way he'd hide or conceal his identity. And that's cowardly and dishonorable, anyway.")

 

As near as I can tell, the character would have wandered around dispensing his brand of "justice" without any thought of or worry about the consequences. I couldn't pin the player down on just what this character's concept of "justice" and "right and wrong" would be, either.

 

I explained (at great length) to the player why this character concept would not work. He would not work PERIOD, let alone be able to be a member of a team. After several long moments of intense thought, the player responded:

 

"Okay, I see the problem. What if I made him only 6'10" tall instead of 7" tall?"

 

After I got over my shock at his "solution" to what HE perceived to be "the problem", I just started repeating "No!" for the rest of the evening.

 

That wasn't a day that made my top ten.

[Lightray]

The Amazing Panther-Fern!

 

This was actually Villains & Vigilantes, not Champions, but this character surely belongs here. And he was mine...

 

The Amazing Panther-Fern!

 

All the powers of a panther! And of a fern!

 

I could turn into a panther. Or a fern. Or a really big fern, which could thwap people with my fronds. And I could glide, as a potted fern, on my fronds.

 

And I could talk to plants.

 

I did not have a human form. My secret identity was the potted plant on the city desk of the city newspaper.

 

Stupid #@$&*@% random power generation games.

 

The other PC was Psycho-Woman. Who was not psychotic (or, wasn't supposed to be), but had "psycho-disks" on her, um, chest. That she twirled. To hypnotize people.

 

We fought crime!

 

oy. so embarrassed...

[CrosshairCollie]

Well ... my wife is prepping for a Champs game. We have one guy who likes oddball characters. His favorite is the psionic who sees through other's eyes, thereby staying completely away from the fight. However, for this game, he wanted a takeoff of Arthur Dent from the Hitchhiker's Guide.

 

So I did it. And it's scary. (Fear Towel-Lin Kung Fu!)

 

Beyond that ... lessee. The guy who had 5s in all stats, with campaign-maximum stats bought via foci (each stat had a different focus, at that), all Unbreakable Personal OIFs. All powers were Focussed. All skills were Focussed. Take away his foci, and the guy becomes a frickin' vegetable or something. And the conversation for getting the character background was something like, "So where did he get all these magic items?" "He found them." "Where?" "I dunno. He just did."

[Zed-F]

One oddball character in terms of design I came across, I can't remember the name, but I'll call him "Stat-man". A robotic sort of character with no powers or skills that I can recall, pretty much nothing but Primary Characteristics, not even extra Figured Cha. This was a 100+150 game under the 4e rules, and he had something ludicrous like 40+ DEX, 50+ STR, 30+ CON, and so on. Designed to be a combat monster, of course, but because he had no powers or skills to speak of, he was quite bland and didn't look like he'd be terribly effective; I don't even recall that he had a movement power beyond his base 6" of Running. The odd thing about it was how insistent this guy was that the "only" way to build a character was to buy primary stats through the wazoo. I might be misremembering some of the character details but I definitely recall that part. Anyway, he had an obscene CV compared to the campaign average, but I expected he would get a bit of an education the first time he came across an opponent with an AOE attack...

 

But undoubtedly the worst character anyone ever brought to a game was a guy called Boot-Stomp. Pretty unremarkable grungy-rebel sort of fellow with one (unexplained, presumably mutant) ability: to cause a giant-sized Doc Martin boot to appear over someone's head, falling on them and squishing them for 20d6 damage. (Campaign average attacks were in the 8-12d6 range.) IIRC this was in 3e so base END cost was 1 per 5 AP, and he took x2 END cost on it, so he could only do it once or maybe twice before being totally wasted. I'm not sure what the guy intended to do the rest of the time.

[McCoy]

Originally posted by Zed-F

But undoubtedly the worst character anyone ever brought to a game was a guy called Boot-Stomp. Pretty unremarkable grungy-rebel sort of fellow with one (unexplained, presumably mutant) ability: to cause a giant-sized Doc Martin boot to appear over someone's head, falling on them and squishing them for 20d6 damage. (Campaign average attacks were in the 8-12d6 range.) IIRC this was in 3e so base END cost was 1 per 5 AP, and he took x2 END cost on it, so he could only do it once or maybe twice before being totally wasted. I'm not sure what the guy intended to do the rest of the time.

Character never fully written up, much less played. Dorothy Gale from Wizard of Oz. Focused teleportation, luck, whines until she gets her way. But had an indirect AoE EB, 1 daily charge, could drop a three bedroom ranch house on someone.

[Brandi]

I was not in this game, but my husband was.

 

Guy came in with a character who was a 14-year-old girl with the sole superpower of causing lust in all observers. Straight women would turn rugmuncher for her.

 

The character was quickly vetoed. Shortly thereafter, the guy was kicked out of the campaign group, and personally I find myself uncomfortable being within 5' of him for more than a few minutes.

[TechnoViking]

Once I had a guy want to play a homeless man, whose superhero outfit was trashbags and rubber hoses. His only power was a massive AOF radius COM drain.

 

Mike

[Phraze]

Worst character in one of my Champions games was pretty average, probably. He was called DeadEye. He had this super rifle with a kewl scope and tons of levels. While the other heroes were getting down and dirty with the bad guys, he would lurk on a rooftop a couple miles away and play Charles Whitman. Can't remember if he had N-Ray Vision for when the characters went indoors. I allowed the character, because I knew the character wouldn't last long. He was just no fun. He played exactly once.

And the worst name for a character I ever ran across was in V&V. A guy in one of my games ran a dude with a metal body who could fire organic bullets from his fingertips. He called the guy BWOD (Bulkish Weapon Of Destruction). When I had trouble pronouncing it, he helpfully amended it... to Bwando.

[Magmarock]

The Red White and Blue Buckeroo

 

(Said with a southern or Texan accent)

 

Red cowboy shirt, blue pants and boots, white hat and white underwear on the outside of his pants. Used a whip as his main weapon.

 

'Nuff siad.

[CrosshairCollie]

Oh, if bad NAMES are legal on this thread, I have a couple more candidates.

 

Stretching powers ... decent character build, actually had a background, had the whole elastic powers thing going. "Okay, what's the codename?" "Captain Condom." "..."

 

A height-impaired psionic ... dubbed the Mental Midget. He didn't quite grasp what that *meant* ...

 

A female character with feline powers with a name I really can't say on this forum ... fill in the blanks yourselves ... two words, first was 'Power', it was alliterative ...

 

Oy.

[Ghost who Walks]

Originally posted by Trebuchet

As near as I can tell, this character was a vampire only because he dressed in black. (And what does that say about the late great Johnny Cash?)

The Man in Black shall live forever!

 

The worst conception I recall, I did myself. Was about 15 years ago, for another superhero game called Superworld.

 

Japanese electrician named Sulu

Recieved his powers upon waking from a coma, with amnesia

 

Powers:

A gadget pool (Gun, jetpack, forcefield)

Duplication, could create 5 of himself.

and a little martial arts.

 

 

Ont the first scenario he went on a little gem called "Return of the Elokians, in a book called HAVOC), he found out he was getting his ass kicked by the oppostion.

 

So he turned into kamikaze hero. He would duplicate (also duplicating the gadget pool), take off in his jetpack, and do a move through the villain. Repeat as necessary.

 

If I did him today, he would have regeneration. As it was, 1 duplicate died, and the others were hospitalized.

 

Not that I GM, everytime the heroes visit a graveyard, they see one of his graves...

[CrosshairCollie]

*laughs* Thanks for reminding me! This one's from a friend of mine from college days, telling me about an old game of his, where someone created a character named Warhead. Pretty simple power structure ...

 

Duplication (4 duplicates). The duplicates had:

A squidload of Superleap, and

A no-range killing explosion, both with one charge each.

 

Basically, he'd split off his duplicates, then they'd leap at someone, land, and explode, dying messily. Of course, after a couple of games, they realized that dead duplicates STAYED dead ... so the explosions became personally immune, and the duplicates would spend their next phases running for their lives back to the original.

[Lord Liaden]

I don't think I can quite compete with you guys; the one that comes to mind was actually a decent power set (if a little too lethal for my game), just a really bizarre background and lame name:

 

The player came with a character who was essentially a walking blob of napalm. Stretching and Damage Reduction representing a gelatinous body. He could set himself on fire at will (Damage Shield) and would Stretch out to Grab opponents.

 

This guy was once an Elvis impersonator before a breakdown in the stage pyrotechnics doused him in inflammable chemicals, triggering his transformation. Name: Hunk'a Burnin' Love.

[OddHat]

"Worm-E!"

 

OK, what are his powers?

 

"He's an inteligent, flying, invulnerable worm!"

 

Um...

 

"He got his powers in an experiment where worms were injected with Kryptonian blood! And he's a vampire!"

 

Um...

 

"He only drinks the blood of evil! He hunts supervillains for their super-evil blood! And he'll spend his experience points to add multipower slots based on the powers of the villains he drinks from!"

 

No.

 

"He's only two inches long, and communicates by carving words into objects using his heat vision! He has eyes!"

 

No.

 

"He..."

 

Shut up.