tkdguy Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Re: Jokes Okay, I'm going to have to spoiler this information because I'm not supposed to let outsiders know about this. But I can't keep it to myself anymore. I just have to be careful, or the Inquisition will be coming after me. :fear: This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are. AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Created by boiling the HELL out of it. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy) MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.) PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas: There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
death tribble Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Re: Jokes As a Catholic I have reported the person above to the Office of the Inquisition. No-one was expecting that. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Re: Jokes As a Catholic I have reported the person above to the Office of the Inquisition. No-one was expecting that. I thought you'd be Anglican. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Re: Jokes Nah, the market was already cornered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Re: Jokes As a former Catholic*, I can safely say that you're all going to Hell for reading that. * I knew too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted December 19, 2012 Report Share Posted December 19, 2012 Re: Jokes Opus Dei has sent an albino monk to assasinate all who read that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Re: Jokes A paralegal sent me these today I've heard most, but not all. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on. SteveZilla 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maccabe Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Re: Jokes Whats the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A lawyer can remove his wing-tips SteveZilla 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Re: Jokes A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" --- One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer. "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man. "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!" "Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Re: Jokes I tried to catch some fog. I mist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Re: Jokes This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Re: Jokes I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Re: Jokes What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Re: Jokes England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted December 25, 2012 Report Share Posted December 25, 2012 Re: Jokes Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwiggins Posted December 28, 2012 Report Share Posted December 28, 2012 Re: Jokes Woman texts her husband.. Her: Windows froze Him: Pour warm water on it Her: Computer completly screwed now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 Re: Jokes Most people don't realize that Windows is actually an acronym: Will Install Needless Data Over Whole System Macintosh is an acronym, too: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 Re: Jokes Most people don't realize that Windows is actually an acronym: Will Install Needless Data Over Whole System Macintosh is an acronym, too: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs I thought the joke was just "Windows" (or the uptodate version "Windows 8") & the Mac joke had truthiness before Mac OS X. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Mhoram Posted December 31, 2012 Report Share Posted December 31, 2012 Re: Jokes Rick Astley will lend you any Disney movie but one. He's never going to give you Up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Re: Jokes Just last night, I was at a restaurant, and there was a sign in the restroom that said "Employees Must Wash Hands." I waited for nearly a half-hour. No employee showed up to wash my hands. Even when I tracked one down and insisted, they did it begrudgingly, and let's just say, it was a less-than-thorough job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Re: Jokes Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings at Starbuck's this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Re: Jokes Revenge is sweet Revenge is a dish best served cold therefore Revenge is Ice-cream! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Re: Jokes Mmmmm. Sweet, sweet revenge. (Maybe not when it's -14°C, outside, though.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 Re: Jokes What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 Re: Jokes Joseph never felt secure in his marraige, as Mary kept yelling her ex-boyfriend's name during sex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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