Jokes

[Pariah]

You know what was a more useful invention than the first telephone?

 

The second telephone.

[Pariah]

A pair of grandmothers, who were also tuba players, decided to start performing together. They decided to wear yellow outfits and to call themselves Tuba Nanas.

[Pariah]

A man is drinking in a bar when he realizes that it's 1:30 in the morning. "Crap," he says, "I'd better get home before my wife kills me."

 

So he gets up off his stool and immediately falls to the ground.

 

"Wow," he says, "I'd better sober up. Bartender, I need coffee. Lots of it."

 

He spends the next half hour drinking coffee and decides to try again. Once again, he falls to the ground.

 

At this point the bar is closing, so he has no choice but to crawl all the way home. He finally makes it, gets in the house, and crawls in bed next to his wife.

 

The next morning his wife wakes him up and asks, "So, did you have a nice time at the bar?"

 

"Yeah," the man says, thinking she'd been sound asleep when he got back. "I just had a couple of drinks and then came straight home."

 

"Oh, I'll bet you did," she says.

 

"Why," he asks nervously. "What are you talking about about?"

 

"The bar called this morning," she says. "You left your wheelchair there, you dummy."

[Pariah]

My neighbor called the police last night because I was playing Pink Floyd too loud.

 

They arrested him.

[Bazza]

Last seen on the dark side of the moon 

[Pariah]

Not suffering from brain damage, at least.

[wcw43921]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a chemical engineer and a structural engineer?

A: Ask them to pronounce unionized.

[mattingly]

Q: What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A: A mechanical engineer makes weapons. A civil engineer makes targets. 

 

[Lord Liaden]

No offense meant, Dave, but I have to admit, that last one hits a little different after the events of the last two years.

[Pariah]

Q: What's the difference between a chemical engineering major and a marketing major?

 

A: The chemical engineering major learned how to make things for profit and the benefit of society, while the marketing major had a girlfriend. 

[Pariah]

What did Elvis do with his defective guitar?

 

Spoiler

Return to Fender.

 

[Ockham's Spoon]

A woman with 7 children, all named Chris, both boys and girls, was interviewed by a TV station as a local interest piece.

 

Interviewer: "Why did you name all your children Chris?"

 

Woman: "It's easier that way.  When I want them all to come, I can just yell 'Chris, get over here!'  When its time for bed, I can just say 'Chris, bedtime!'  I only have to say anything once, so its quicker, you know."

 

Interviewer: "Well, what if you only want to call one of them?  What do you do then?"

 

Woman: "Oh, that's easy.  I just call them by their last name."

[Pariah]

Him: "They don't make Mom Tarts. They only make Pop Tarts. Why is that, do you suppose?"

 

Her: "Because of the pastryarchy." 

[Pariah]

Michael Che reading Caitlin Clark's jokes on SNL:

 

 

[Bazza]

colleague 1: I’m just stuck in traffic sorry

colleague 2: Did you use a solvent to unstick your car?

[Pariah]

Waiter: "How would.you like your steak?"

 

Me: "Like winning an argument with my wife."

 

Waiter: "Rare it is, sir."

 

...and that's why I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. 

[Bazza]

Lady P isn’t that bad surely? 

[Pariah]

No, absolutely not. It's just a joke.

[Bazza]

Phew. Sigh of relief. 

[Bazza]

WHAT DOES A THESAURUS EAT FOR BREAKFAST? A SYNONYM ROLL

[Pariah]

Just like Grammar used to make.

[Bazza]

And Grandpa ate. 

[Pariah]

Father: "You should just become a cop."

 

Daughter: "I don't want to do that."

 

Father: "Why not? All the guys you chase are criminals and reprobates. You might as well get paid for it." 

[Bazza]

Daughter: But dad, can’t date them too. Workplace romances are frowned upon. 

[Pariah]

The average Imperial Stormtrooper is 5 feet eleven inches tall.

 

But the average metric Stormtrooper is 180 centimeters tall.