Bazza Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 “May I have the last dance?” ”You just did.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 21 minutes ago, Bazza said: “Can I ask you a question?” “You just have.” I like to say "apparently". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 Spider: "May I ask why you're so afraid of me?" Human: "Well, all the reasons I had before have been replaced by the fact that you can talk...." mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 This is true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 26 Report Share Posted March 26 8 hours ago, Bazza said: 5 vowels, 8 consonants, a comma, and an exclamation mark appeared in court today. They’re due to be sentenced some time next month. The tongue twister world champion was arrested. The police say he'll get a tough sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 I just read that if a hermit crab finds a new shell that is too large for it, it will wait for other crabs who need new shells to gather around and then they will organize themselves by size and trade shells until they all have a new home. It is kind of sad that hermit crabs have a better housing market than we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 27 Report Share Posted March 27 Boss: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 28 Report Share Posted March 28 It takes guts to be an organ donor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted March 29 Report Share Posted March 29 I used to be addicted to soap but now I’m clean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 31 Report Share Posted March 31 A man who says "I'm sorry" when he knows he's wrong is honest. A man who says "I'm sorry" when he's not sure he's wrong is prudent. A man who says "I'm sorry" when he knows he's right is married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted April 1 Report Share Posted April 1 A guy goes into a bar early one day. The bartender looks up and says "Sorry, we don't open for half an hour yet." The guys says "Oh, sorry. Do you mind if I just sit in here to wait until you do open?" "I guess that would be alright." the bartender says. "Can I get you something to drink while you're waiting?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 2 Report Share Posted April 2 A woman in her late forties starts taking swimming lessons. When her friends ask about her new interest, she says, "My son is dating a girl who's a little insecure. She likes to ask him things like, 'If your Mom and I both fell into the water, who would you save first?' I just want him not to have to worry about that." Her son, meanwhile, is having one of those days with his girlfriend. Sure enough, she asks him, "If your Mom and I both fell into the water, who would you save first?" He replies, "It's not an issue, sweetheart. My Mom is learning how to swim." She's frustrated. "No, you have to choose! You have to jump in and save one of us!" He just shakes his head. "Well, then I'm afraid you're probably going to die." Now she's furious. "What? How can you say that?" "Because I don't know how to swim, and I know Mom is going to save me before she saves you." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted April 3 Report Share Posted April 3 Is it just me that feels like the English language is mocking us with the way the word 'phonetic' is spelled? Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 3 Report Share Posted April 3 13 hours ago, Pariah said: A woman in her late forties starts taking swimming lessons. When her friends ask about her new interest, she says, "My son is dating a girl who's a little insecure. She likes to ask him things like, 'If your Mom and I both fell into the water, who would you save first?' I just want him not to have to worry about that." Her son, meanwhile, is having one of those days with his girlfriend. Sure enough, she asks him, "If your Mom and I both fell into the water, who would you save first?" He replies, "It's not an issue, sweetheart. My Mom is learning how to swim." She's frustrated. "No, you have to choose! You have to jump in and save one of us!" He just shakes his head. "Well, then I'm afraid you're probably going to die." Now she's furious. "What? How can you say that?" "Because I don't know how to swim, and I know Mom is going to save me before she saves you." I like the implied threat in the last statement: "before she saves you". How long is "before she saves you" and ""you're probably going to die"? Is Mom going to save her son first then straight away save his girlfriend, or wait... And as she is the person who is forcing her boyfriend's mum to learn to swim in the first place, I don't think Mom is going to look favourably on her. So yeah, odds are pretty good, she's going to drown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 3 Report Share Posted April 3 Q: Why are there pyramids in Egypt? Spoiler A: Because they were too heavy for the British to pick up and put into their museums. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 3 Report Share Posted April 3 This is true and not a joke. slikmar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 6 Report Share Posted April 6 If you make a flute out of a corn cob, you'll never have to worry about reading sheet music again. You can just play by ear. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 6 Report Share Posted April 6 Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 7 Report Share Posted April 7 A Jesuit, Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along the road debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit, walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder and said, so where are you thinking of sending the kid for school? Hermit, Cancer and Pariah 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 7 Report Share Posted April 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted April 7 Report Share Posted April 7 9 hours ago, Bazza said: A Jesuit, Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along the road debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit, walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder and said, so where are you thinking of sending the kid for school? I need to send a link to this one to my colleagues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 7 Report Share Posted April 7 Send a link to the YouTube video above as lithe joke is the second comment to that video, posted by “buntug”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 10 Report Share Posted April 10 My biology professor asked me what the function of carbohydrates was, but apparently "filling the deep well of sadness within me" was not the correct answer. tkdguy, Ockham's Spoon, wcw43921 and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 10 Report Share Posted April 10 How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? Spoiler None, they can't get up that high. How do you know that there's a soprano at your door? Spoiler They can't find the key and they have no idea where to come in. Hermit, mattingly and L. Marcus 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 12 Report Share Posted April 12 (edited) A joke from back in the day: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway? O.J. Simpson drives a slow white Bronco. John Elway is a slow white Bronco. Edited April 12 by Pariah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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