mattingly Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 Cancer, BoloOfEarth, Ockham's Spoon and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 2 Report Share Posted February 2 Funny, even if a little close to home right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted February 3 Report Share Posted February 3 right now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 I had a contractor out to get a quote on repairing a chimney damaged in a recent storm. I joked with him, "I don't know how much chimneys cost exactly, but I hope this one is going to be on the house." He replied, "Actually, it's going through the roof." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 Conversation overheard in a restaurant: Man: "So, do you have any children?" Woman: "Yes, I have one that's just under two." Man: "I know how many one is." mattingly and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 Me: "Dude, I'm bored. Text me some good jokes." Him: "Not now. I'm busy with my girlfriend." Me: "Awesome! Send me some more!" Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 “I'm busy with your girlfriend too." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 A young married couple are buying their first house together and the mortgage broker has offered them mutual life insurance polices. "What’s this?" asks the wife. Husband: "Oh it’s nothing really, we pay twenty bucks a month and if one of us dies for whatever reason then the mortgage gets paid off in full. It’s quite a common policy." Wife: "So if I die you get the house mortgage free?" Husband: "Yes, and of course vice versa, if I die you get it mortgage free." Wife: "Never mind that, if I die, you get the house. and then what, would you re-marry?" Husband: "Well that’s very hypothetical question, but I’m still a young man so I guess so." Wife: "Would you move your new bride into our house?" Husband: "Well it would be fully paid off, and it’s a very nice house, so that would seem sensible." Wife (through gritted teeth): "Would you and your new bride sleep in our marital bed?" Husband: "Well, it is an orthopaedic mattress and you know I have a bad back, so yes, definitely." Wife (now getting visibly angry): "And would you let her drive my car?" Husband: "Well I suppose so, otherwise it would just be sat there in the driveway doing nothing." Wife (now absolutely furious) : "Hmmrph! And I suppose you would also let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "Certainly not! She’s left handed." Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 There was an ancient musical instrument called the Egyptian horn, but almost nobody alive today has ever seen or heard one. It's a toot uncommon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted February 4 Report Share Posted February 4 This joke might belong in All Things Creepy... Spoiler Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 5 Report Share Posted February 5 Yes, this should have gone to the creepy thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 5 Report Share Posted February 5 Why did the chicken go to the gym? To work on his pecks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 5 Report Share Posted February 5 Today I had the nastiest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had. I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout slikmar, Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slikmar Posted February 5 Report Share Posted February 5 1 hour ago, Bazza said: Today I had the nastiest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had. I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout I seem to get that person every time. Extremely sarcastic and annoying, then they follow me out and home. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted February 6 Report Share Posted February 6 (edited) 7 hours ago, Bazza said: Today I had the nastiest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had. I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout 5 hours ago, slikmar said: I seem to get that person every time. Extremely sarcastic and annoying, then they follow me out and home. Only semi-related, but let me tell you about a race I ran in high school track. True story. I was running the mile relay, in the second position for our team, because I really wasn't all that good. For those not familiar with the mile relay, the starting runners run once around the track each holding a baton. When they get all the way around, they pass their batons to the next runners on their teams, who then run around the track to pass the batons to the third runners, who run around the track to pass the batons to the last runners, who make the final lap around the track. So after the first set of runners start out, I take my position and wait for my teammate to come back around and pass me our baton. As they're coming up, I can see that our team's runner is just barely ahead of the other team's runner. So as soon as I grab the baton, I take off at my fastest. And I can hear the "crunch, crunch, crunch" of footsteps right behind me. So I push harder, but dang it, I can hear he's still right there, on my tail. I keep pushing myself faster than I'd ever run before, with that "crunch, crunch, crunch" of footsteps right behind me all the way. I get back around, pass my baton to the next runner on our team, and stumble off the track, too wiped out to even watch the rest of the race. Our coach comes up to me, puts his arm around my shoulders, and says, "That was incredible! That's the fastest I've ever seen you run!" He chuckles. "Too bad you didn't need to run that hard." Apparently, when the other team went to pass the baton, they dropped it. By the time their runner picked it up and started running, he was waaaay behind me. I was hearing my own footsteps and was trying to outrun... myself. Edited February 6 by BoloOfEarth Pariah, wcw43921 and slikmar 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 6 Report Share Posted February 6 Want to hear a good pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 6 Report Share Posted February 6 A man on a bicycle is stopped at the US-Mexico border by Border Patrol. The border agent asks what is in the backpack he's wearing. “Uh, sand”, the bicyclist responds. The agent asks to look inside and sure enough it appears to be full of sand. “Dump it out” the agent insists. So he dumps out the contents of the backpack on the road and the agent searches through the sand looking for contraband. Finding nothing but sand, he allows the biker to pass into Mexico. The next day the biker comes to the border again. The same agent asks about the backpack. “It’s just sand”, says the biker. The agent, who refuses to be fooled, tells him to dump it out. Again he searches through the sand finding nothing. “Sir, you’re going to dump the sand every single day. I’m not letting you through without checking. I don’t care how many times you come here, you’re dumping the sand every single time”. “No problem” says the biker. Sure enough, they go through this ritual day after day, month after month, year after year. Until one day, the biker stops coming. One day after work, the agent sees the biker at a bar. “I know you”, says the agent.”You’re the guy who brought sand across the border every day”. “Yep. That’s me” says the biker. “You gotta tell me, buddy, why did you bring sand across the border every day”? “Sand?, the biker replies. “I was selling stolen bicycles!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7 Report Share Posted February 7 Is the earth flat? Well, it’s 70% water and non-carbonated. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 7 Report Share Posted February 7 A man goes to his doctor and says he is deeply depressed. His job stresses him out and he sees no hope for the future. The doctor asks him if he's in a relationship and the man says he is. The doctor says, “That’s very positive. There are times when I feel like you do. On those days, when I get back from work, I cuddle my wife and we make love all night, it really helps. See how that goes for you and come back to see me next week. “ The man trudged out of the office. A week later the man returns. He looks happy and relaxed, very different from how he looked when he was last there. The doctor says “You look much better, did you take my advice?” The man says “I certainly did and may I say you have a very lovely home.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 7 Report Share Posted February 7 6 hours ago, Bazza said: Is the earth flat? Well, it’s 70% water and non-carbonated. According to NOAA's Pacific Marine Environmental Laboratory, the Earth's oceans have a carbonate ion concentration of about 0.002 mol/L. So technically not entirely non-carbonated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 7 Report Share Posted February 7 But basically, ‘flat’, like flat lemonade. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 8 Report Share Posted February 8 Is an adoption agency a secondhand goods store? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted February 8 Report Share Posted February 8 Two statues, a male and female, stood in Central Park for 50 yrs. One day a fairy came along and granted them 24 hrs to be human. POOF!! Off the dashed into the bushes!!! There’s a lot of brush shacking and grunting and huffing!!! Six hours later the male comes out, ”Phew, I’m getting tired!” The female says, “Hey, we’ve only got 18 hrs, get back in here and handle business!” So, off he goes again and there’s bushes shaking, dirt flying, huffing, puffing and screaming going on. 12 hrs later, the male comes crawling out, grabbing dirt and can no longer stand! “I, just can’t go anymore, you’re killing me!” The female says, “Look, be a man! We’ve only 6 hrs left and we’re back on that perch forever!” The male, looks up at the perch looks back at the female, wipes his brow, looks up again, and back. Then he says, “Alright, but this time, I’LL hold the pigeons and YOU sh!t on them!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 9 Report Share Posted February 9 A man tells his Rabbi, "I want to live forever. What can I do?" The Rabbi tells him, "The answer is simple. Just get a job working in the fast food industry." The man is taken aback. "It's really that simple? That would let me live forever?" "No," the Rabbi says. "But the desire to do so will vanish pretty quickly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 10 Report Share Posted February 10 I asked for Tom Hanks autograph but was disappointed when all it said was “T Hanks”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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